


Raindrops In The Desert

by Diamond_Raven



Category: Original Work
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Aftercare, Anxiety, BDSM, Bondage, Collars, Cum Play, Depression, Dom/sub Play, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Gentle Dom, Healing, Kink Negotiation, Light breath play, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor suicidal ideation, Original Fiction, Past Child Abuse, Self-Esteem Issues, Sex Toys, Subspace, Touch-Starved, fuck machine, non-graphic reference to past non-con/bad BDSM practices, selective mutism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-30
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2020-05-31 07:19:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 40
Words: 230,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19421152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diamond_Raven/pseuds/Diamond_Raven
Summary: After years of bad experiences with doms, Scott decides to stop having sex. Unfortunately, his attempt at celibacy only succeeds in frustrating himself and his detective partner Ryan, who happens to be a dom. When Ryan offers to be Scott’s dom, the arrangement seems like a good solution to Scott’s problem. What neither of them are counting on is falling in love.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. Copyright © 2019 by Diamond_Raven. All rights reserved. This story is free of charge and is not available on any other platforms.  
> 2\. I've tagged all the major themes but I don't provide trigger warnings for minor events. Feel free to email me if you'd like to ask whether specific things take place in this story or not.  
> 

Scott doesn’t notice his gun is missing until he’s already at work. He follows his usual routine when he gets to his desk; puts his coffee on his own desk, puts Ryan’s on his desk, sits down and turns on his computer. He vaguely registers that something feels weird when he sits down, but it’s not until he glances down that he realizes what’s wrong.

He’s wearing his gun belt and his holster…but there’s no gun. The holster’s empty.

Blinking, he stares down at the empty holster, hoping he’s imagining things. His gun has to be in the holster. That’s where the gun lives 24 hours a day, unless it’s in his hands. It’s a habit that’s been drilled into him over the past ten years.

The gun needs to be in the holster or in his hands, nowhere else.

And now, the gun is definitely not in the holster and it’s not in his hands.

Shit!

His hands automatically touch his waist, feeling around as if the gun somehow jumped out of its holster and attached itself to another part of his pants. But all that’s there is his badge, clipped to his waistband. Staring down at it, he confirms that yes, that’s his gold colored badge cheerfully glinting up at him, but there’s no gun anywhere.

The first thought is that somebody must have stolen his gun. But when? He definitely had his gun—in its holster—on his drive home yesterday. He remembers because he hadn’t been paying attention when he’d gotten into his car and the seat belt had gotten tangled on the holster, which is something that always happens when his brain is somewhere else.

He’d driven home, taken off the belt and his badge and put both into his bedside table drawer, like he does every single day when he comes home from work. Except he’d been distracted the entire time…and when he remembers why he’d been so distracted and what he’d done in the hours after that, everything comes flooding back and he knows exactly where his gun is.

Shit. Shit, shit, shit! Panic starts to overwhelm him and he can barely breathe.

“Morning, Scotty.”

Scott barely registers the sound of Ryan greeting him as his partner takes off his jacket and throws it over the back of his chair. Before Ryan sits down, Scott’s eyes zero in on Ryan’s gun in his holster. Ryan’s gun is exactly where it should be. His own gun is definitely not where it should be.

Fear is making his heart race and his hands are shaking. Shit!

There’s the sound of Ryan sitting down and he’s reaching for the coffee with one hand and turning on his computer with the other.

“Did Dr. Ishikura send us the autopsy results yet?” He asks, letting out a yawn as he stares at his computer screen and scrubs a hand through his hair.

With his eyes glued to his desk, Scott can’t even begin to think about Ryan’s question. Instead, he has to concentrate on not passing out.

Horrible images are streaming through his mind. The idiot he gave his gun to could be out there right now, killing somebody. Or the idiot could leave it lying around and a kid could grab it and shot themselves or somebody else.

He has to get his gun back. He has to get his gun back right now! But how? He can’t just go up to the idiot’s apartment, bang on his door and demand his gun back. The guy probably wouldn’t even open the door.

His stomach twists and he’s sweating. He has to report this. In fact, he should have started filling out the paperwork five minutes ago, instead of sitting here panicking. But paperwork means having to admit what a stupid slut he is and it’ll cost him his job.

But what choice does he have?! The idiot could be planning to kill somebody right now. In fact, he could have done it already.

Shifting in his chair, he notices his ass is really damn sore and his desk chair isn’t very comfortable. Well, good. He deserves the discomfort. He also deserves to lose his job, his friends and everything else good in his life. That’s what he gets for being a dumb slut.

“Hello? Planet Earth is calling Scotty Jenkins. Anybody home over there?”

Scott manages to tear his eyes off his desk and stares at Ryan, who’s frowning at him. “You okay? You look like you’re gonna pass out. You feeling sick? Want me to drive you home?”

Scott opens his mouth, but he can’t seem to make the words come out. He just keeps gaping at Ryan. Somehow, he’s desperately hoping his partner will read his mind, come up with a perfect solution and Scott’s gun will be back in his holster, nobody will have gotten hurt or killed, and Scott will still have his job.

But that’s not what happens.

Ryan’s looking more concerned, his eyes searching Scott’s face. Finally, he stands up. “Okay, car. Now. Come on.”

It’s on the tip of Scott’s tongue to tell Ryan that this isn’t a car-worthy issue. Discussions in the car are only for very serious issues. But then it dawns on him that he’s an idiot. Obviously this counts as a very serious issue! God, he’s a such a stupid whore!

Standing up, he numbly follows Ryan out into the parking lot and they climb into the backseat of Ryan’s car, slam the doors shut behind them and slouch down so people passing by won’t notice them. Even though the seats are softer than his desk chair, his ass still isn’t happy sitting down, but he pushes aside the discomfort. It’s what he deserves.

“Okay, start talking. What’s wrong?”

That’s when it hits Scott. He needs Ryan’s help to fix this—he can’t even string two sentence together in his head, never mind come up with a good plan—but that means telling Ryan what happened. And then their friendship and partnership will be over. There’s no way Ryan will want to stay with Scott once he learns what a dumb slut he is.

“Scotty, you’re freaking me out. Did we screw something up? Did somebody die?”

Scott manages to let out an ugly, strangled laugh. “I did and I’m about to.”

“What?”

“I…” He can’t seem to make the words come, but he has to. Damn it, he should already be finished filling out the paperwork and a team should be heading to the idiot’s apartment to get his gun back. He’s wasting time and endangering people’s lives because he’s a useless idiot. Come on, Jenkins! This was your stupid mistake, now own up to it and do the right thing. “I screwed up. I really, really screwed up.”

“Okay. When did we screw up?”

“No, not ‘we’. Just me. _I_ screwed up. It’s got nothing to do with work.”

“What did you do?”

“I…gave my gun to somebody.” There. Now it’s out in the open.

“You let somebody play with your gun? What are you—a rookie? You know that’s against policy. Jesus, after all these years, you’d think the whole novelty would have worn off for you.” Ryan snorts. “But we’ve all been there, right? And anyway, it was unloaded so no big deal. Did they damage it?”

And the situation is turning into crap again. “No. I mean I _gave_ my gun to somebody. I literally handed my gun to somebody. They have it now, not me. That’s—that’s the problem.”

There’s silence from beside him. Ryan shifts and Scott knows without looking at him that Ryan’s staring at him incredulously. There goes four years of friendship and partnership. There goes Scott’s career and life. But he can’t stay silent about this. It wouldn’t be right and he couldn’t live with himself if he did.

“What the fuck do you mean you _gave_ your gun to somebody?!”

Scott closes his eyes. “It means exactly what it sounds like. I was an idiot and gave my gun to somebody.”

There’s silence. Then Ryan starts laughing and punches his shoulder. “Oh, that was good! Damn, you got me going, Jenkins!”

Ryan’s laughter is making Scott’s panic grow thicker in his throat and his hands are shaking. “It’s not a fucking joke, Harris! I’m in trouble, real trouble and if you aren’t gonna help me, then I gotta go fill out paperwork because somebody’s gonna get killed while I’m sitting here!”

Abruptly, Ryan stops laughing. “You’re serious?” He sounds stunned.

Scott sits there.

“Jenkins, look at me.”

That’s one thing Scott definitely can’t do. He’ll fill out the paperwork, he’ll look the Captain and everybody else in the face while he’s being fired, but he can’t face Ryan.

Ryan grabs his arm in a tight grip. “Jenkins, look at me right now. I fucking mean it.”

With difficulty, Scott forces himself to open his eyes and look at Ryan, staring into his shocked face.

“You’re serious? You’re really fucking serious? You lost your gun?”

In response, Scott pulls his gun belt around until the empty holster is sitting in his lap.

Ryan’s staring down at it, looking stunned. “You—fuck! You really _lost_ your gun? How—when the fuck did this happen?! You had it last night when you went home. I saw it.”

Scott can tell Ryan’s really upset because he rarely swears, unless things are very intense. “I didn’t lose it,” he mumbles quietly, still feeling numb. “I gave it to somebody.”

Ryan frowns. “Why? I—why the fuck would you do that?! Were you drunk?”

Not technically, no. Mentally compromised yes, but not drunk. But he’d compromised himself, so he’s still to blame. “No. I just…it was a messed up situation. I put myself into a stupid situation last night, I made one stupid decision after another and then I gave my gun to this person.”

“Did they threaten you? Did they hurt you? Jesus, why didn’t you—”

Well, Scott did get hurt, but only in ways that he’d agreed to, so that doesn’t count. “No, nothing like that. It was my fault, not theirs.”

“What the fuck does that _mean?!_ ”

And that’s something Scott can’t—won’t—answer, so he falls silent again.

Ryan tolerates his silence for a few seconds, then keeps trying. “Is it gambling? You owed somebody money and you gave them your gun to pay off debts? Why the hell didn’t you come to me?”

Jesus, this is getting worse by the second. “It doesn’t have anything to do with money. It’s not like that. Yes, it’s my fault, but it’s nothing long term. I’m never gonna do it again, so that’s not an issue. But I’m terrified that the person’s gonna do something with my gun and somebody’s gonna get hurt.”

Ryan stares at him, looking stunned and also disappointed. “I can’t believe this. You’ve never been stupid. Never.”

Scott lets out another ugly laugh. “Oh, I’ve been plenty stupid. I just haven’t told you about it cause this is a new level of stupid that I haven’t reached before. My other displays of stupidity had nothing to do with work or you, so I didn’t tell you about them.”

In his 33 years of life, he’s done plenty of things that were stupider than this, but none of them had ever threatened the lives of other people. His own, yes. Plenty of times. But not other people’s.

“Okay. Okay, okay, okay. Shit. We have to fix this.”

We? Scott stares at him. “This has nothing to do with you and you aren’t gonna get involved.”

“I—”

“No. I’m gonna fill out paperwork, a team’s gonna go get my gun back, I’m gonna lose my job and be humiliated, but that’s what I deserve. I’m not dragging you down with me.”

Ryan smacks him hard on the arm. “Okay, first—you’re gonna stop that.”

“Stop what? I’m—”

“You’re acting like you killed somebody. That hasn’t happened.”

His panic is making his throat tight and it brings with it some anger. “It could be happening right now!”

“Which is why we have to focus on getting your gun back as fast as possible instead of sitting around, pretending that your life’s already over!”

Scott stares at him, a small ray of hope is pushing through his panic. “You—you’re really gonna help me?”

Ryan stares at him incredulously. “You’re being a special kind of stupid today, huh? Come on, get in the front seat and tell me where your gun is.”

“We’re going now?”

“Yes, obviously! Hurry up.” Reaching past Scott, Ryan yanks on the door handle and starts shoving Scott to get out of the car.

Feeling numb, Scott slides out and gets into the passenger seat.

The driver’s side door clicks open and Ryan climbs in and starts the car. Scott stares at Ryan without really seeing him.

Maybe Ryan notices his stare because he glances at him and frowns. “Put on your seatbelt, Scotty. Now.”

The order manages to penetrate his numb haze a bit. Reaching up with a numb hand, Scott fumbles for the belt, pulls it down and clicks it in, the empty holster still sitting on his lap, mocking him.

“Where does the person live?” Ryan demands.

Scott stares at Ryan, who glances at him as he backs out of the parking spot. “Scotty, come on! Get your brain moving. I need an address and we need to come up with a plan.”

“It’s—it’s on Phibbs.”

“Phibbs and what?”

“Phibbs and Second.” He’s mildly impressed with himself that he remembers the address. The years he’d spent driving around as a beat cop have permanently drilled the city’s layout into his head, which is nice. Useful. Maybe that’s a skill he can put on his resume when he tries to get a new job.

“Okay. So now we need a plan. To do that, I need to know what happened.”

Shit. Scott starts feeling panicked again. The panic had faded a bit when it had become clear that Ryan was supporting him and helping him, but he’d completely forgotten about the fact that he hadn’t told Ryan any of the details.

All of his earlier fears come flooding back. He can’t tell Ryan. He just can’t. He’ll survive losing his job and losing the respect of his co-workers and he’ll even survive losing Ryan’s friendship, but he won’t survive having Ryan hate him because he’s a disgusting slut. “I…can’t tell you how it happened,” he mumbles, his lips numb.

Ryan slams his hand on the steering wheel as they slow down for a red light. “I’m not going in blind and neither are you! You need to give me something or we’re gonna get fucking killed. Is it a guy?”

“What?”

“The person you gave your gun to. Is it a guy?”

Oh, definitely. His sore ass won’t let him forget that any time soon. “Yeah.”

“Have you seen the inside of his place?”

Well, the bedroom. Remembering the musty smell of the mattress that his face had been pressed into, he feels even more disgusted with himself. But thinking about the apartment keeps him a bit more focused. “Yeah. I remember the layout.”

“How many people is he living with? Any kids in there?”

“No. I didn’t notice any kids stuff. I think he lives by himself.”

“Okay, good. Now for the million dollar question: why the _fuck_ did you give him your gun?!”

And that’s the one question Scott can’t make himself answer. It’s not fear, but humiliation that keeps the words stuck in his throat. He can’t bear the thought of Ryan knowing what a disgusting whore he is. “I can’t tell you that.”

Ryan hits the steering wheel again. “You gotta give me something, Jenkins. Jesus! I can’t go in there blind.”

“I’ll go in.”

Ryan snorts. “You can barely get full sentences out of your mouth. You’re not going in there. Besides, if he recognizes you, he’s probably not gonna open the door and I don’t wanna bust his door down. I can talk my way in, take control, get the gun and be on my way.”

When Scott realizes that Ryan’s planning on taking this huge risk by himself, his numbness evaporates. “You’re an idiot if you think I’m gonna let you go in there without backup!”

“You can stay in the hallway and I’ll keep the door open, but you’re staying out of sight until things go south.” Ryan shots him a strained grin. “It’ll be like old times. Talking our way in, confiscating stuff people shouldn’t have. Huh? It might even be fun. We can compare and contrast how our old teams used to do things.”

Scott can’t believe the idiot isn’t taking this seriously. “This isn’t the same and we’re not in vice anymore. We don’t even have a warrant!”

“You really wanna get a warrant for this, huh? It’ll be fine. I still remember the drill. He won’t get a good look at my face, I’ll have him on the floor in no time, he’ll hand over the gun and then I’ll be gone.”

This is crazy. “You’re not putting your life at risk for me!”

“I put my life at risk for you every damn day. This isn’t any different. If we don’t do this, your career is over. I won’t let one stupid decision ruin your career and if this blows up in our faces, I’d rather be by your side than standing on the sidelines. We can both find new jobs if we have to.”

“You can’t—”

“It’s done, Jenkins. We’re done discussing it. You made a decision last night and I’m making one right now. I’m accepting the decision you made last night—without knowing any of the fucking details—and you’re gonna accept mine. Tell me the layout of the apartment.”

* * *

Concentrating on the task ahead of them lets Ryan avoid thinking about what Scott had done. He still can’t believe that Scott would hand over his gun to somebody without his life being threatened.

He’s known Scott for four years and if anything, Scott’s never been stupid or impulsive. He’d had some anger issues when they’d started working together, but Scott had calmed down a lot over the last few years. He’s smart, doesn’t take anybody’s shit and he follows the rules as much as anybody does. Every cop learns early on which rules are the ones you follow all the time and which ones can be bent a little to make people’s lives better. But there’s a difference between embellishing the arrest record for a man who beats his wife so he stays locked up for a few days longer than necessary so she has more time to move out, versus giving some random person a gun.

Those two things aren’t in the same universe and he can’t wrap his head around the fact that Scott had done something this stupid. Ryan dismisses one option after another and he can’t come up with a plausible situation where Scott would willingly hand over his gun to somebody.

But here they are.

Once they arrive at the address, they scope out the entrance, make a plan and park around the corner. They dig through the box of spare clothes in Ryan’s trunk—always useful if they’re going to interview witnesses in different parts of town where certain clothes make people view them with suspicion right off the bat—and pull on hooded sweaters, hats and their sunglasses.

They might look ridiculous, but that’s better than being recognized later.

It takes a few minutes of waiting out front until somebody comes out of the apartment building and they can slip through the door and head upstairs. Scott confirms which apartment door it is, then he takes Ryan’s gun and badge from him and hangs back, as they’d discussed.

Keeping his face down, Ryan knocks on the apartment door. He can hear the sounds of somebody shuffling across the floor from inside the apartment and Ryan prepares himself.

“Who is it?” A man’s gravelly voice comes through the door.

“I have a delivery for Ben Larson,” Ryan calls through the door, his tone a mixture of polite customer service and the bored drawl of somebody who says these lines all day.

“What is it?”

Ryan struggles not to roll his eyes. Typical. The greedy son of a bitch has decided he might be ‘Ben Larson’ if the package contents sound expensive enough. It’s sad but useful that people never change. “I’m not sure, sir. There’s ‘fragile’ stickers on the box.”

Just as he’d suspected would happen, the door opens a crack and an overweight middle-aged man, reeking of cigarette smoke peers at him suspiciously. “I’ll take it.”

Ryan is even more confused than before. He’s seen Scott take down violent people who were in much better shape than this guy. It’s impossible that this guy physically overpowered Scott, so Ryan still doesn’t understand why the hell Scott gave him the gun.

But it’s time to focus. He can see both of the man’s hands and he’s unarmed and eager to collect what he’s pretending is his package. “You’re Ben Larson?”

“Yeah. Gimme the—”

That’s when Ryan shoves his shoulder into the door, opening it enough to get inside. Keeping his face low so the man won’t see too much of his face, Ryan grabs the man’s arms, spins him around and kicks him in the back of the knees. The man drops to his knees with a thud.

“Ow! What the fuck?!”

Ryan shoves him down onto his stomach, pinning his arms behind his back and keeping his face pressed to the floor. Keeping one foot on the floor for balance, he digs his other knee into the man’s back.

The man is struggling as much as he can. “What the fuck? Get the fuck off me! I’m gonna call the cops!”

“This won’t take long and the less you struggle, the easier it’ll be for you. You took a gun from somebody last night and I want it back.”

“What?!” The man screeches, wriggling uselessly in Ryan’s grip.

Ryan digs his knee in harder and increases his pressure on the man’s hands. “Pay attention. You took a gun from somebody last night and I want it back.”

“Is this about the blond bitch? The slut said I could keep it!”

Anger runs through Ryan and he twists the man’s hands to make them burn a bit. “Watch your mouth. And no, he didn’t say you could keep it.”

“I asked him and he didn’t say no, so that’s the same thing!”

“I don’t think you understand how conversations are supposed to go. Just because somebody doesn’t say ‘no’ doesn’t mean it’s a ‘yes’.”

“I didn’t do nothing to him that he didn’t want! I asked him if I can be rough and the dumb slut didn’t say anything. That’s as good as him saying yes!”

Ryan struggles not to snort. “Rough? There’s no way you bested him in a fight, you idiot.”

“Fight?! What the fuck are you talking about? He was here to get fucked, not fight. And there wasn’t no miscommunication about that. Bitch was drooling and got on his knees as soon as I opened the door. I didn’t do nothing that he didn’t want!”

A cold shudder runs down Ryan’s back. One of his most plausible theories had been that Scott had been drunk and the man had tricked him into giving him his gun and then refused to give it back, but the man’s words are painting a scenario that’s much, much worse.

Did Scott have _sex_ with this man?

Ryan doesn’t know much about his partner’s sex life since it’s one area they rarely discuss. They’re both openly gay, but they never talk about the people they’re seeing or who they find attractive. But even if this guy were Scott’s type, something about the situation is giving him a really bad feeling in his gut. In any case, Ryan doesn’t want to dig into Scott’s personal business any more than he already has. He’d agreed to help Scott get his gun back, that’s it. “I wanna know about the gun.”

“I’m gonna call the cops and they’re gonna throw your ass into jail for life, you stupid motherfucker!”

“This is gonna be over a whole lot faster if you start telling me what I wanna know.”

The man sighs with annoyance, which turns into a whimper of pain when Ryan twists his arms. “Ow, ow, ow! Okay, okay! Ease up and I’ll talk!”

Ryan loosens the pressure a bit, but not much.

The man lets out an annoyed sound, but finally starts talking. “I didn’t make him suck it, okay? I wanna make that clear. I fucked him, then I noticed he brought his gun and I thought it would be sexy, so I asked him to suck on it and he did. I didn’t force him to! I even reminded him it was loaded _two times_ and he just kept drooling and whining like a horny bitch, so it’s not my fault. I reminded him _twice!_ Then I asked him if I could keep it and he just stared at me and he left. That’s all that happened, I swear!”

Ryan’s so stunned that he nearly lets up on the pressure he’s using to keep the man on the floor.


	2. Chapter 2

The second Ryan comes around the corner, Scott straightens up from his slouch against the wall. Ryan barely glances at him, he just holds out Scott’s gun.

Relief floods through Scott and he grabs the gun, feeling like Ryan had just handed him his life on a silver platter. “Oh, thank God! Harris, I—”

Ryan brushes past him. “Don’t talk, just get in the car.”

Scott blinks at Ryan’s brusque attitude, but hurries after him, shoving his gun into his holster and vowing to himself that none of this will ever happen again. Once they’re in the car and Scott’s taken off his hooded sweater, he’s waiting for Ryan to start the car, but Ryan’s just sitting there.

“Ehm…we shouldn’t just sit here. You know that.”

Abruptly, Ryan starts the car, jerks it into traffic and they drive around. Scott has no idea where they’re going and when Ryan’s done a few circles around nearby blocks in random order, he thinks maybe Ryan doesn’t either.

Finally, Ryan turns into a gravel parking lot, stops the car and kills the engine. He’s sitting there, his face pale but blank.

“Harris? What’s wrong? Did the guy get a look at your face?”

No response.

“Come on, talk to me. Did something go—”

“You let a stranger put a fucking loaded gun into your mouth?!”

All the color drains from Scott’s face as shame runs through him. Damn it! He’d overheard muffled talking coming from the apartment but he hadn’t even considered that the man would tell Ryan any details of what happened last night. _Especially_ that part. “I—”

“How could you be so stupid?!”

Ryan’s anger and the use of that specific word brings back memories from last night. Apparently, everybody thinks he’s a stupid slut these days. It’s true, but it still hurts. “I already know I’m a stupid slut. The guy told me enough times last night and I tell myself that every single day, so I don’t need you joining in. Just cause it’s true doesn’t mean you have to be cruel.”

Ryan closes his eyes, looking upset and leans his head back against his seat. “I didn’t call you a slut.”

“Well, you might as well have, cause it’s true.”

There’s silence from Ryan’s side of the car for a while. Ryan opens and closes his mouth multiple times, as if he doesn’t know what to say or how to say it. Finally, he seems to find some words.

“He could have killed you, Scotty,” Ryan whispers. He opens his eyes and stares at Scott, looking scared. “Do you understand that? If his finger had slipped on the trigger or if he was a psycho, he could have pulled the trigger and killed you.”

Scott makes a face. “I know. I didn’t think about that when it was happening. I was just happy to be doing it. Hence—stupid slut.”

“Happy doing what?”

That’s when Scott has to look out the window. “I don’t wanna talk about that.”

“Well, we aren’t moving from this spot until you do.”

That pisses Scott off, but he still can’t face Ryan. “It’s none of your business! I—”

“None of my business?! I just—”

“I know you just broke about five different laws to get me my gun back, and believe me, I’m grateful. But that doesn’t mean I don’t deserve any privacy. Helping me was your choice.”

Ryan’s staring at the back of his head. Scott can feel it without even looking at him.

“That’s not why I wanna know. You’re one of the most important people in my life and I just found out that you’re hurting yourself and putting yourself into insanely dangerous situations. That’s not normal behavior, Scotty. I’m scared and worried sick over you and I wanna help you.”

“I didn’t hurt myself. I’m fine.”

“He raped you and could have killed you. Nobody would be ‘fine’ after that.”

That’s when Scott gets annoyed again. Ryan’s making all kinds of dumb assumptions about the situation and it’s pissing Scott off. “He didn’t rape me.”

“He—”

“No! I’m the one who told him I was willing to do anything and he asked me if I wanted to do different things and I couldn’t answer. The guy isn’t a fucking mind reader. But I know that I get like that and I still…I still go anyway. I’m the one who puts myself into situations like that, so it’s my fault.”

“What the hell do you mean you couldn’t answer?! If he gagged you then he should have made sure you had non-verbal safewords. And why the hell didn’t you set any hard limits?! He’s a stranger!”

Scott blinks. It’s bizarre to hear words like ‘hard limits’ and ‘safewords’ coming from Ryan. It’s bizarre having those words being spoken out loud at all. But all of that’s irrelevant. Scott knows what those words mean, but the doms he meets up with never ask him about those things and that’s just how things go. They’re the doms, they’re in charge and if they don’t bring up using safewords, Scott has no right to insist on it. That’s how things work. Ryan probably doesn’t know that because he has no idea what he’s talking about.

But anyway, that’s all irrelevant.

“None of that matters. What he did, what I did, what he didn’t do, what I didn’t do; it doesn’t matter. Because I’m done. This has been a huge wake-up call for me—or my rock bottom moment—and I’m done with it. Trust me, I’m done being stupid.”

Ryan’s silent for a while. Then: “Scotty, look at me. Please.”

He doesn’t sound mad anymore, just upset, so Scott looks at him. Ryan’s eyes are filled with pain. “Please talk to me.”

Scott sighs. He just wants this damn day to be over. “Why? I already told you I’m not gonna do it again. In fact, I’ve decided: I’m not having sex with anybody ever again. It’s drastic, but it’s the only way I won’t end up in stupid situations like that again. I know it freaked you out—hell, it freaked me out. But it’s done, I promise.”

* * *

Scott had been hopeful that Ryan would let the whole thing go. Scott’s fine, he got his gun back, nobody else got hurt, so he’s prepared to put this out of his mind, like he does with any of his other nighttime sessions that go sideways. But the whole thing really _had_ scared the crap out of him and he’s definitely learned his lesson. From now on, it’ll be him and his right or left hand. That’s it. People don’t die from not having sex with other people. He’ll be fine.

Including other people always leads to a mess and the messes have been getting worse and worse over time, culminating in Scott letting somebody stick his loaded gun into his mouth. So it’s definitely time to call it quits.

Unfortunately, Ryan refuses to let the issue go.

Two days later, Scott’s driving them back to the station after they’d canvassed a neighborhood for witnesses. He’s feeling pretty good because they found a couple of witnesses who gave them a good lead on their newest case, but Ryan’s been pre-occupied since the whole gun fiasco and was absolutely useless today.

“So, I’m just curious,” Scott says as he’s making a left turn onto the street the station’s on.

“Hmm?”

“Are you always gonna repeat your questions three times from now on, or is it just something new you were trying out today? And am I always gonna have to remind you to take your ID out at every single house _and_ help you hold it right side up, or do you think you might eventually remember to do it on your own? It’s a big step, I know, but I think it’s an important one for any rookie to master.” He throws a grin Ryan’s way as he finishes his turn.

Ryan sighs. “Sorry. I’ve been distracted.”

“No shit. What’s distracting you?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe the fact that two days ago, I found out my best friend regularly engages in really dangerous sexual situations with strangers, including letting somebody put a loaded gun into his mouth. That’s been weighing on me a bit, so I fucking apologize if I’m a bit distracted.”

That sucks the humor out of the situation. Thankfully, they’re at the station so Scott concentrates on parking the car. Once he’s turned the engine off, he leans back in his seat. “I don’t wanna talk about it, but I hate that it’s bothering you so much. So if—”

“ _Bothering_ me? You think it _bothers_ me?! You forgetting to buy our morning sandwiches when it’s your turn bothers me. You deliberately not picking up the damn phone when you can see it’s Cap calling because you know he’s gonna yell at us and he’ll call me when you don’t pick up—that bothers me. But you doing things that could get you killed or hurt—that’s going way beyond _bothering_ me. It’s in a whole other category and you’re an idiot if you don’t see that.”

“I already told you I won’t do that again.”

“The gun thing? Oh, good! One of my five million concerns has been addressed. Thank you, Detective Jenkins. My life is now a bed of fucking roses.”

Scott lets out an annoyed sigh. “I mean: I’m done with the whole thing. I’m not gonna have sex with anybody ever again. That’s the best way to guarantee that I don’t get into those situations.”

Ryan stares at him incredulously. “No. The best way to avoid dangerous sexual situations is not getting into any dangerous sexual situations. There’s plenty of non-dangerous sexual situations that you can get yourself into all you want.”

“It’s…not that simple.”

“Why?”

“Because I…” Jesus. He really doesn’t want to have this conversation, but he hates that he’s worried Ryan so much and he really needs him to understand why Scott’s serious about his decision and why it’s the best decision. “Because I like having…a specific kind of sex. I can have the regular kind, but it doesn’t…feel the same. Besides, sometimes the regular kind can turn into the specific kind and I get really stupid in those situations and I can’t…make good decisions.”

“You’re a sub.”

Scott blinks. It takes him a second to understand what Ryan had said. It’s not a word he’s ever heard spoken out loud. He sees it on the videos he watches and he put it on his profile on the anonymous BDSM hookup site he’s been using, but he’s never heard anybody call him that in real life.

And what’s even stranger is hearing Ryan say that word.

His sex life and other parts of his life are always supposed to remain separate. That’s how Scott’s operated for over a decade, ever since he’d stumbled across _those_ videos and accidentally discovered what sexual practices he’s into. His sexual world is full of darkness and shameful things. His other world is full of light and good people. They both make him feel good in different ways, but Ryan is _not_ part of his sexual world and Scott doesn’t want any crossing over.

“No, I’m not,” he says, trying to sound dismissive rather than panicked.

Ryan sighs softly. “I’m not stupid. You’ve tried talking circles around it, but I know what you’re talking about. Besides, the things your last so-called ‘dom’—and I think it’s an insult to doms everywhere to even call that asshole a dom—said and the things you said only lead to one of two conclusions. You’ve either gone through some kind of sexual trauma in your past and you dissociate when you’re having sex, or you’re a sub and you go into subspace and that’s why you can’t make decisions or talk properly. I see it all the time. In either case, I think it’s a problem you gotta fix, Scotty. Shoving it to the side isn’t gonna fix it.”

Scott blinks again. His worlds are colliding and he doesn’t like that. He’s not surprised that Ryan’s been paying attention and has carefully evaluated every one of his poorly chosen words and caught his attempts at being vague. After all, that’s what they spend their entire work days doing. But it doesn’t answer the much more urgent question. Most people know what a dom and sub are, but Scott thinks most people wouldn’t know some of the more technical terms, which Ryan’s using so naturally. Scott’s been doing this stuff for ten years and he doesn’t know what ‘subspace’ means, so why the hell is Ryan using that word? “How do you know these things?”

“What things?”

“You’re talking about these things like you know what it all means. Things like ‘hard limits’ and ‘safewords’ and ‘subspace’. How do you know these things?”

Ryan sighs softly. “Because I’m a dom.”

That’s when a rush of anger overcomes him because everything makes sense. Fuck Harris and his stupid fucking jokes. “Fuck you, Harris!”

Yanking the key out of the ignition, Scott unclicks his seatbelt and shoves his way out the door, slamming it shut behind him as he marches towards the station. For once, the seatbelt had cooperated with him and not gotten tangled on his holster, which is a small blessing.

Out of all the stupid things for Harris to say! Fucking asshole.

“Hey! Scotty, wait!”

Scott whirls around and glares at him as Ryan jogs up to him. “You know this isn’t something I want you making fun of,” he hisses under his breath. “It’s a serious problem and I don’t need your help with it, but I also don’t need you making fun of me.”

Ryan holds up his hands. “I wasn’t making fun of you, I swear.”

Yeah, right. Scott scoffs and turns away, heading into the station. He ignores Ryan for the rest of the day, only answering him if he asks work-related questions.

* * *

Ryan can’t believe it’s taken him two days to put the pieces together. From a detective perspective, that’s embarrassing. From a dom perspective, that’s even more embarrassing.

He blames it on the shock he was in after he’d gotten Scott his gun back. It isn’t the sex part that had numbed him with fear, or the fact that Scott had gone to that asshole in the first place, but just the fact that Scott had put himself into a situation where somebody could have easily killed him and Scott would have just _let them_ that makes his head spin.

The fear had clogged his mind until the shock had started to wear off and logic had returned.

Scott isn’t dumb and Ryan desperately hopes that this really was a wake-up call for him. On the other hand—what can Ryan really do to stop him? They’re best friends, but Ryan isn’t in charge of Scott’s life. If Scott’s doing dangerous things during his personal time, all Ryan can do is express his concerns and plead for him to re-consider.

Once he’d come to that sad but logical conclusion, he’d started thinking about the rest of the mess and he’d realized there were so many things bothering him.

Why the hell would Scott let a complete stranger fuck him and why would Scott tell him beforehand that he could do whatever he wanted to him? Why would Scott want that kind of an arrangement? If he just wanted sex, there’s no reason to open himself up to such danger.

Why did Scott—who Ryan’s seen beat the shit out of two people at the same time—not fight back when somebody raped him and put a loaded gun into his mouth?

It’s true that shock can often paralyzes rape victims—he’s seen that enough during his years of being a cop—but the way that asshole had described the situation didn’t make it seem like Scott had been paralyzed with fear.

_“Bitch was drooling and got on his knees as soon as I opened the door.”_

There’s something so specific about that situation and the behavior that Scott had supposedly displayed. Ryan’s seen people act like that before and it takes him a while to remember exactly why that behavior sounds so familiar.

He’s seen it from subs during scenes.

In fact, if he adds in all the other little facts—Scott was non-verbal, Scott made poor decisions during the scene, Scott told the man ahead of time that he was willing to do anything—it all becomes clear very quickly.

Scott’s a sub.

A sub who doesn’t have a regular dom. A sub who’s been craving a good scene like a drug addict seeks their next high. A sub who doesn’t seem to know or care about how healthy dom-sub relationships are supposed to work and puts himself into horrifically dangerous and abusive situations as a result.

The second Ryan understands what’s going on, adrenaline floods through him. He’s overcome with an intense need to find Scott, pull him into his arms and take care of him properly. He’ll give Scott what he needs, what he wants. He’ll make it so good for him. He’ll satisfy that deep craving that Scott will never be able to satisfy with vanilla sex. He can picture Scott naked, on his knees, his hands cuffed behind his back, sucking Ryan’s cock with a blissed-out look on his face and—

—Stop, stop, stop!

Jesus fucking Christ, Harris! _Stop!_

What the hell is he _doing?!_

His heart’s racing and he blinks hard, pushing those mental thoughts out of his head. It’s one thing to fantasize about a stranger, but fantasizing about his best friend when he’s going through a difficult situation is rude and very disrespectful to Scott.

Scott’s made it clear throughout the entire situation that he didn’t want Ryan knowing any of this. If Scott hadn’t given his gun to that asshole, then Ryan would have never found out about any of it and Scott would have probably never told Ryan. It’s clear this is something Scott isn’t comfortable discussing and didn’t even want Ryan knowing. Just because Ryan stumbled onto the truth doesn’t mean he has the right to take advantage of what he’s learned.

It’s sad to realize that Scott’s never trusted him enough to tell him about things like that—but really, Ryan’s being a hypocrite. He’s never told Scott that he’s a dom, has he? Why the hell would Scott tell him about being a sub? There’s no way Scott could have guessed that Ryan would understand.

No, Ryan needs to get himself out of Scott’s business. The fact that he’s a dom and Scott’s a sub isn’t any more relevant than the fact that they’re both gay. It doesn’t mean anything and Ryan has no right to fantasize about Scott.

All Ryan can do is keep urging Scott to try to find healthier sexual alternatives. And those alternatives will _not_ involve being a selfish asshole and trying to push Scott into letting Ryan be his dom.

Because that’s not going to happen. It _can’t_ happen.

Ryan’s learned the hard way that he falls in love fast and hard with a sub if they see each other more than a handful of times. His heart doesn’t care if the sub is married to somebody else or if the sub clearly doesn’t want anything from him except to be dominated for a few hours.

Being with experienced subs who know exactly what they want helps somewhat. With many of them, it’s obvious that they don’t really care about him, but they only care about what he can do for them. He has a cock and hands that can give them what they want and he has a mouth that can say the words they want to hear.

The beauty of dealing with subs who know exactly what they need is that they can usually do a few good scenes after negotiations without doing any warmup or getting-to-know-you sessions. It limits the number of times that Ryan sees each sub, and that decreases his emotional involvement and keeps him happy. So the subs stay happy, he stays happy and everything’s fine.

Unfortunately, only doing a few sessions with Scott would probably make things worse, rather than better. Scott’s been through traumatic situations and it would take a while until Scott really starts feeling comfortable. It would also take a while until Ryan would stop fearing that he’d accidentally do something to hurt Scott, and staying in that mindset wouldn’t allow him to truly enjoy himself. So doing multiple sessions would be necessary if he wanted to enjoy himself…

…but that’s the point where his feelings usually start to deepen. And the whole point of Ryan offering himself up to Scott would be because Ryan’s a safe choice. Somebody who Scott should feel comfortable with and willing to explore new things with. The last thing Scott needs is to deal with a clingy dom who falls in love with him.

So in conclusion: Ryan being Scott’s dom isn’t an option. It will never be an option.

And Ryan will just have to learn to accept that. He needs to be a supportive friend and that’s it. He needs to encourage Scott to go to therapy or talk to an experienced dom—not necessarily Ryan—who will tell him how healthy BDSM relationships are supposed to work or he needs to encourage Scott to start socializing with other BDSM individuals in a healthy way.

But before any of that, there’s one thing that’s still bothering Ryan. He hates the idea that Scott thinks he’d lied to him when he’d told Scott about being a dom. He hates that Scott believes Ryan was making fun of him and doesn’t understand what Scott’s going through. Well, Ryan’s sure he doesn’t understand the full extent of what Scott’s dealing with, but he hates that Scott think Ryan was making fun of him for being a sub.

* * *

The next day, they get the trace evidence results for one of their cases and they’re off to a park on the other side of the city. Apparently, the soil on the victim’s boots had come from that park specifically. It’s always exciting to get a really good lead, but Ryan’s impacting Scott’s good mood, which sucks.

In between looking at where he’s supposed to be driving, Ryan keeps looking over at Scott with a stupid look on his face and it’s annoying. Scott knows this is related to their argument yesterday and he’s sick and tired of this whole subject. “Quit looking at me like that.”

“I know you think I was making fun of you when I told you I was a dom, and I really wasn’t. Believe me—I know how difficult and embarrassing this is for you. I won’t pretend to know what you’ve been through, but I know how hard it can be to tell somebody that you’re into BDSM. It’s why I never told you I was a dom. I thought telling you that I’m a dom would let you know that I understand a little of what’s going on. I’m sorry that you thought I was making fun of you, but I really wasn’t.”

Groaning, Scott thumps his head against the backrest of his seat. “Why can’t you just let this go? I’m tired of your bullshit.”

Ryan smack his hand on the steering wheel. “It’s not bullshit! I wanna help you, Scotty. I can’t see inside your head, but I’ve dealt with all types of subs. I’ve been doing this for a while and I take it seriously. I can help you find some resources in the community and get you on a healthier path.”

Scott lets out annoyed sigh. He doesn’t know why Ryan’s working so hard just to make fun of him, but it’s getting really annoying. “Just stop! Stop with this fucking act! I’m sick and tired of it. You’ve had your fun and you earned it after what you did to get my gun back, but we’re even now.”

“This isn’t an act! I’m really—”

Scott scoffs and glares at him. “Oh, yeah, you’re really a dom. Uh huh. Yeah. And I’m Santa Claus. Listen, I’m not an idiot. I’m stupid when it comes to sex, but not in the real world. Just because you looked up a bunch of words on some BDSM website doesn’t mean I believe this bullshit. I know you’re just trying to use it to satisfy your curiosity over my fucked up sex life. It’s not gonna work.”

Ryan frowns and looks annoyed. “I wouldn’t do that and you know it. You know me better than that. If I’m making fun of you, I don’t hide it. You _know_ that.”

“Then why are you saying stupid shit?”

“It’s not stupid shit! That’s what I’m trying to tell you! I really _am_ a dom. It’s got nothing to do with you. The fact that we both happen to be part of the same sexual—I don’t know—circle? Lifestyle? It’s just a coincidence. Just like both of us being gay is just a coincidence. But I wanted to tell you because I wanna help you. Lots of subs have really bad experiences and that sucks. It especially sucks if one of them is my friend who I care about a lot. I’m not trying to make fun of you.”

The idiot isn’t understanding that Scott knows he’s lying. He _knows._ “You’re not a dom, Harris.”

“How the hell do you know that? We never talk about our sex lives, so how the hell would you know? I had no idea you were a—”

Scott’s losing his patience. “You’re not a dom because I know you don’t like hurting and humiliating people.”

Abruptly, Ryan pulls the car into a store parking lot and puts it in park. Then he looks at Scott. He looks angry but also sad. “It’s way more complicated than that. If somebody enjoys some pain or humiliation mixed in with sex and it’s the type of pain and humiliation that I don’t mind being involved in, then I’m happy to do it. That’s the whole point! It’s about doing things that make both people feel good, not just—”

Scott needs this conversation to stop. “Just stop! Stop talking about this! I told you: I’m done with it. I’m not gonna have sex with strangers anymore, so you don’t have to worry. Let’s just try to move on with life, okay?”

“You don’t have to stop—”

Scott closes his eyes. He’s exhausted. “Ryan, just stop. Please? I’ve had a shit week and I just wanna forget about this. Let’s just get to the park before it rains.”

Ryan’s staring at him, which is only making things worse.

“Please? This is me, begging you as a friend to stop. I can’t keep talking about this. I’m not in a good place in my head and if you keep pushing me about this, it’s gonna make it worse. Please, just stop.”

Ryan’s quiet for a while. Finally, he sighs softly. “Only on one condition.”

“What?”

“You acknowledge that you understand that I’m here for you. Whatever you need, whenever you need it, I’m here. You’re important to me and I care about you and if you’d like some help, then I’m here.”

Taking a deep breath, Scott nods. That actually does make him feel better. He doubts he’ll need Ryan’s help with this issue—since deciding to be celibate has solved the whole problem—but it does mean a lot to him that Ryan cares. “Okay, I got it.”

“Promise?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. Let’s go to the park.”


	3. Chapter 3

A month later, things have turned to complete shit.

Well, not all things. Ryan hasn’t brought up anything related to sex, so that’s good. But Scott’s new life direction—not having sex with people—isn’t working out as well as he’d hoped. He’s spent decades masturbating and that’s always been an enjoyable activity so he thought he’d be fine.

But he’s not.

He doesn’t feel right in his skin. He’s anxious, irritable and he knows he’s driving Ryan and everybody else around him crazy. It had taken him days to understand why he was still so wound up and irritable despite masturbating regularly and it hadn’t occurred to him until recently that this whole situation has very little to do with sex.

He loves having the special kind of sex he’d been having, despite how dangerous it had been. Once he’d discovered how good it could make him feel, he’d known he’d never be satisfied with regular sex and he’d always be thinking about what he’s missing out on. It’s annoying and sad that he won’t get to have that special kind of sex again just because it’s too dangerous. That’s the smart choice to make, but it still sucks.

But that’s actually the smaller part of his problem.

Now that he’s stopped having sex with strangers, he’s gone back to spending a lot of time on his own and it’s reminding him of all those months he’d spend suffering after his parents had died with only his depression for company. Those feelings are returning and that dark sadness is creeping around him again, which also brings on a ton of anxiety. He doesn’t want to head down that dark path again, but what choice does he have? He can’t keep putting himself into situations where he’s letting strangers do horrible things to him that might get him killed.

Unfortunately, the whole situation quickly sends him spiraling downwards on a familiar dark path. The anxiety and sadness fuel the mild irritation until it’s grown into full-blown anger, which leads to a cruel circle. The angrier he gets, the less time other people want to spend with him. It’s easy to blame them for it and shut himself away even more, which makes the sadness grow and that provides more fuel for the anger.

It’s a vicious downward spiral that Scott’s very familiar with and he hates that he’s rapidly heading towards that same darkness again.

He’d been so proud of himself when he’d gotten promoted to detective and also joined that BDSM website four years ago. Being able to have the kind of sex he needs, combined with meeting Ryan and being in the calmer environment of being a detective rather than a vice cop had slowly calmed that anger until it had faded away.

The last four years had felt so good. His bar might be set low, but that doesn’t matter. The last time he’d felt this happy had been before his parents’ death. His anxiety had stopped constantly bothering him and his periods of sadness would only happen once every few weeks and they’d only last for a day or two as opposed to the long stretches he’d experienced before. He’d always known the anonymous sex he was having wasn’t healthy or safe, but it had allowed him to walk on that razor thin line of happiness he’d found in the ocean of darkness he’d been drowning in.

And now, all of that progress seems to be fading away and his little line of happiness is sinking into the darkness. It’s ironic that one of the solutions that had saved his life four years ago—joining that BDSM website and having sex with strangers—has turned out not to be a solution at all, and instead, it was a demon in disguise. If he goes back to that, then the only question is when it’ll kill him, not if.

He makes sure he keeps going to work so that he’s spending at least a few hours each day around other people. That way, his brain has less time to focus on his loneliness and conjure up cruel thoughts and taunt him about being a pathetic whore who nobody wants. He’s exercising a lot too because that keeps his brain tired and keeps the anger and anxiety weaker. Unfortunately, he’s back to barely being able to sleep and he’s started using the sleeping meds that he’d stopped having to take two years ago, but at least he’s managing to sleep a few hours each night.

He’s toying with the idea of giving other meds a try again, but none of them had helped the last time he’d tried, no matter how insistent the doctors had been that they would help with his crippling anxiety and severe depression. The meds had either turned him into a useless zombie or a hyper-energized nut case and didn’t allow him to do his job properly. Well, he can’t do his job properly in the current state he’s in either, but he can manage a little better than on the meds.

He’s quickly heading towards another life of loneliness and Scott spends most of his nights lying in bed, in the apartment he hates, letting himself cry and desperately wishing his brain would just fix itself and let him be happy not being around people.

The pace of his downward decline is also scaring him. He needs to find a solution before his brain completely grinds to a stop. Once it hits that stage, it’ll take him months—like it had last time—to break free again, and maybe this time he won’t be able to.

Time isn’t on his side, but he thinks he can do it. He’s older than he was back then and if he really can’t figure something out, he might listen to some of Ryan’s advice or see a therapist. He can’t imagine actually telling Ryan or a therapist—or anybody else—the details of his sexual history, but he’ll cross that bridge when it comes to it. Seeing a therapist had saved his life after he’d nearly starved to death in his parents’ empty home and he can’t get to that point again.

But actually going to see a therapist somehow never makes it on his to-do list. He always ends up getting annoyed at something or his anxiety grabs hold of something and that’ll distract him until it’s time to go back to work.

* * *

They’re heading to the morgue after Dr. Ishikura had emailed them to let them know an autopsy they’d been waiting on is done. As usual, irritation is clawing at Scott’s throat and making his body tense. He doesn’t want to go the fucking morgue and listen to the fucking doctor tell him about the fucking autopsy. But he doesn’t have a choice.

At the very least, Scott’s hoping that Dr. Ishikura will just launch into her report and then they can get out of there, but no such luck.

When they come in, the Doctor looks up from her computer. “Oh, there you are. Heather, please get me the Mitchell file for the detectives.”

Scott’s already annoyed. If she knew they were coming, why the hell couldn’t she have the file ready for them? He leans against the wall next to her computer and taps his foot. The motion calms some of his irritation, but not all of it.

Ryan’s chatting with the Doctor, but Scott can’t be bothered to pay attention to their conversation.

Ishikura’s new assistant pulls a file out of the pile on her own desk and hurries over. “Here you go, Dr. Ishikura.”

Ishikura glances at the file. “That’s the morgue copy. The detectives get the duplicate copy. The papers without the official stamps, remember?”

“Oh, right! Sorry.”

Scott glares after Heather as she hurries back to the pile. “Good job learning the basics of your job.” He smiles sarcastically as she comes back with—hopefully—the right file.

He’s reaching out to take the file, when Ryan stomps on his foot, hard. “Ow! Fuck! Harris, what the hell’s wrong with you?”

That’s when Dr. Ishikura gets out of her chair. Despite being a foot shorter than him and twenty years older, Scott can’t help but feel a bit intimidated by her glare. “Detective, if you’re going to treat my employees rudely and use language like that in my morgue, you have to leave.”

Scott scoffs and the anger burns brighter, eager for a fight. “Just do your damn job and tell us what’s in the report.”

Her eyes flash and Scott knows he’s gone too far, but he doesn’t care. “Get out of my morgue, Detective Jenkins. Now.”

He opens his mouth to tell her she has no right to throw him out of the morgue, except he realizes she does. He also realizes he’s got three people glaring at him and that he’s being a complete jerk. Being an asshole feels so good, but he knows it’s not appropriate. Turning, he heads out through the sliding glass doors and paces around, fidgeting and trying to calm the irritation that always seems to be boiling near the surface of his skin these days. The longer he stays out there, the more guilty he feels over lashing out at people who don’t have anything to do with his personal problems and were just doing their jobs.

Ten minutes later, Ryan comes out. He stops in the hallway and stares at Scott without saying a word.

Sighing, Scott already knows what he has to do. Taking a deep breath, he heads back into the morgue and cautiously approaches the doctor and Heather at the desk. “Dr. Ishikura?”

She barely glances up. “Yes?”

“I want to apologize for my behavior.” Then he addresses Heather directly. “I’m sorry for being rude. I’m having a bit of a rough day but I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. I’m sorry.”

Heather gives him a small smile. “Thank you for the apology.”

Then it’s time to apologize to Dr. Ishikura. “I’m sorry, ma’am. I was rude and disrespectful and that’s not appropriate.”

She gives him a long look. “Whatever’s bothering you, you need to get it figured out, Scotty. Either that, or you need to try way harder to leave your personal problems at home.”

“I’ve just been having a bit of a hard day—”

“You’ve been rude and aggressive for weeks now. If it were a one-time thing, we’d all brush it off. But it’s getting worse and your behavior’s unprofessional. I don’t want a repeat of what we were dealing with four years ago, Detective.”

That hurts. “I don’t either, ma’am. I’m sorry.”

She stares at him. “Fix it ASAP.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

When he comes back out into the hallway, Ryan’s leaning against the wall, leafing through the file. “You apologized?”

“Yeah.”

“I told you that this new celibacy idea of yours wouldn’t work,” Ryan says quietly, his eyes staying on the file.

Scott rolls his eyes. Yay for Ryan and his all-knowing brain. Asshole. “Just shut up about it. What’s in the file?”

Ryan shuts the folder. “No, I’m not gonna shut up about it. You’re being an ass to everybody around you and this isn’t a long term solution.”

Scott’s temper flares and he clenches his jaw. Fuck Ryan and his fucking calm tone of voice and his fucking condescending words. That tiny voice in Scott’s head points out that Ryan’s not being condescending. In fact, he’s only saying these things because he cares about Scott, but Scott viciously squashes that voice because being angry is better than feeling guilty and sad. “You agreed to keep your nose out of my business until I want you involved.”

“You’re being an asshole to me every single day, so that makes it my business.”

“No, it doesn’t. I’ll figure things out. I realize it’s taking me a little while, but I’ll fix it myself.”

Ryan just keeps staring at him, so Scott rips the folder out of his hand and opens it to start reading.

* * *

Scott’s driving Ryan crazy. It’s gotten to the point where Ryan’s completely stopped focusing on trying to find a way to help Scott with his sub-related issue because Scott just really needs to get laid.

Ryan thinks Scott’s frustration right now is purely a result of not having sex because he can’t think of what else the problem might be. While many people can live perfectly happy, productive lives when they’re not regularly having sex, it seems that Scotty Jenkins is definitely not one of these people. And that’s fine. But it’s clear that whatever Scott’s trying to replace sex with isn’t working.

It wouldn’t be a problem if Scott weren’t making everybody’s life hell, especially his own. Ryan hates seeing him unhappy and he also hates having to deal with an angry, rude jerk all day. It had been tough enough dealing with it four years ago, but Scott’s determination to change and his fast improvement had made it worthwhile. Maybe that’s why this backwards slide is especially irritating to witness. Ryan knows Scott deserves so much better than this and he’s capable of a lot more than this and it’s pissing Ryan off to see Scott reverting back to his old ways so quickly.

Up to now, he’s given Scott space and time to figure himself out. Ryan’s reminded himself a million times that it’s Scott’s life and if Scott wanted Ryan’s input, he’d ask for it. So he’d kept his mouth shut and tried being understanding. There are so many solutions to Scott’s problem that are just sitting there, right on the tip of Ryan’s tongue but he’s forced himself to stay quiet.

He desperately wants to ask Scott if he’d ever considered using toys when he’s by himself. Ryan would happily give him a boxful of his own toys if Scott doesn’t feel comfortable ordering his own. He also wants to suggest that if Scott doesn’t think a vanilla sexual relationship will help, then Ryan can help him re-enter the BDSM community in a healthy way. He could take Scott to a social gathering to meet people or to the BDSM club he used to frequent and set him up with some of the doms Ryan had trained with. They’d treat Scott well.

The idea of Scott being with other doms makes his gut clench with jealousy, but that’s irrelevant. He can’t be Scott’s dom. That’s not a situation that can happen. But Scott’s his best friend and if Ryan can help him find a dom who will treat him right, then he’ll do that.

Except he’s not doing that because Scott’s made it clear that he doesn’t want Ryan’s help, so Ryan’s still keeping his mouth shut.

* * *

Pushing through the doors of the station, Scott hoists his gym bag up over his shoulder and drags himself towards his car. He’s sore, he’s tired and he’s still pissed off at the world. It would probably be better if he joined a gym that’s away from the station, which would allow him to meet new people. Spending nearly all day at the station—first for work, then at the gym facilities—isn’t good, but he can’t justify paying for an expensive gym membership when he’s got a perfectly good gym to use at the station. Obviously, he doesn’t deserve an expensive gym membership. He’s not worth that kind of money.

Unlocking his car, he opens the door and throws his bag into the passenger seat and shuts the door.

His phone starts to ring, sending a surge of annoyance through him. Who the fuck is calling him when his stupid phone is in his stupid fucking bag and he has to go digging for it?!

Most of the people who he normally keeps in semi-regular contact with have stopped trying to contact him when they’d realized his bad mood seems to be permanent. Even people he’d known for years—like Tyrell Johnson, who’s on the vice team Scott used to be part off—have stopped trying.

Tyrell had sent him a text just yesterday, telling him to contact him if he needs help or when he’d calmed down, but he wasn’t going to deal with Scott’s bad attitude anymore. Given that Tyrell has a bit of a temper himself _and_ he’d spent years dealing with Scott when he’d still been stuck in his old aggressive phase, he must be behaving pretty badly, but Scott just doesn’t care. Like in the old days, feeling angry and lashing out at the world makes him feel a little bit better when nothing else does.

Unzipping the bag, he rummages around for his phone. As soon as he looks at the call display and sees it’s Ryan, he debates not picking it up. But if Ryan’s calling to tell him he’s not coming to work tomorrow or something about a case, Scott needs to know. Picking up the phone, he struggles not to snap out a rude greeting. “Yeah?” It’s not polite, but that’s the best he can do.

“What are you doing?”

“I was at the gym.”

“Again? You went last night and the night before. You might as well move into the station.”

Scott lets out an annoyed sigh. He wants to punch Ryan, his car and everything around him. “Since when is my schedule your business?”

“Don’t be stupid and quit being rude. You can’t keep this up, Jenkins. You’re half asleep at work and when you’re awake, you’re being a rude dick. Are you still taking the sleeping meds?”

“Why are you calling me? Movie night’s not done yet. Did you dis-invite yourself too cause you’re being an annoying ass?”

Every second Wednesday is usually movie nights, which is a tradition Ryan and his mom, Claire, had started when Ryan had been a young boy. When Ryan had discovered that Scott shares his and Claire’s love for movies, Scott had received an open invitation to join them. They usually go out for dinner together and then head to the movie theater, taking turns picking what they want to see. If Ryan’s busy, Scott usually still goes with Claire without needing an invitation.

The only time one of them skips movie nights when they’re not busy with work is if they’re having a bad day—or in Scott’s case, a bad month—and it’s standard procedure for the annoyed person not to attend movie night so they don’t piss off everybody else. It’s a policy they’d implemented four years ago when Scott’s anger had still been his semi-constant companion.

Obeying the rules they’d set up, Scott has dis-invited himself from their last movie night and also this current one. Having been forced to miss movie nights because of his own stupid problems has made him even more annoyed. Going to movie nights is one of the very few social things he does and having lost that is making him even more miserable. He loves going to movie nights, and the way Claire had made him a part of her life had done wonders for Scott’s mental health. Missing movie nights is hard enough, but it’s what he deserves.

Ryan sighs loudly, letting Scott know how annoyed he is. “The movie’s already done, which you’d know if you bothered keeping an eye on the time when you’re busy killing yourself with gym equipment.”

Scott really just wants to hang up the phone, except Ryan will just call back, or he’ll be annoyed with Scott tomorrow. Well, even more annoyed than normal. “The stupid sleeping meds stopped working. I don’t wanna take anything stronger so I’m drinking some stupid tea and exercising even more. It helps me sleep.” Sort of. A little bit. Not really.

He’s desperate for this conversation to be over. He’s exhausted, but he also feels nauseous.

Eating has become a tiresome battle that he’s slowly losing. The pattern is sadly familiar. He’s not as hungry as he should be—considering how much exercise he’s doing—and even if he tries forcing himself to eat, his stomach rebels and he feels sick. He can’t win. He feels sick whether he eats or starves.

To make matters worse, his anxiety is making the act of getting food hell.

He’ll open the fridge and his brain will either be empty and he’ll stand there forever like a robot that had its batteries removed or his anxiety will scream that every item he touches is wrong, wrong, wrong and he shouldn’t eat it. Going to fast food joints has the same result. He either stares at the menu blankly and can’t even process what the items on the menu are, never mind choosing what he wants to eat; or his anxiety tells him whatever he wants to eat is wrong, he doesn’t deserve to eat it, or a million other reasons that ultimately lead to him walking back out.

Those are all very bad signs. When his anxiety and depression get to a point where they’re so easily controlling his life and Scott’s stopped fighting back, it means the downward spiral is speeding up. He’s getting really scared that one day, that voice will focus its attention on the gun that’s always close to Scott and he’ll believe the voice when it tells him that the best course of action would be to use it on himself.

Not taking his gun home isn’t an option because it’s departmental policy and he needs his gun if he and Ryan are called to a scene early in the morning. And asking Ryan to keep his gun for him would lead to all sorts of questions that Scott can’t bear answering.

He’s running out of time, but he can’t focus enough to think about solutions anymore. His brain is too busy being tired, angry or screaming at him that he doesn’t deserve to eat food.

Ryan’s snort of disbelief tells him he knows Scott’s explanation about the tea is bullshit. “Right, cause you sleepwalking through the entire day is completely fucking normal and a sign that some stupid tea is the answer to your problems. Jenkins, you need to get laid. You need a million other things too, but I think that’ll help you feel good enough that you can relax a bit and that’ll allow you to focus on what you need long term.”

“Harris, stop it. I told you—”

“I don’t give a shit what you told me! I’m done with that. I’m done giving you space or caring that it’s your life and your decision. You’re making a dumb decision and it’s hurting you and everybody around you, so I’m gonna keep trying to talk some sense into you until it gets through that thick skull of yours. You’re pushing everybody away but you’re not walking yourself towards a solution, you’re just stuck in the mud, spinning your wheels but you aren’t letting anybody else help and that’s dumb. This celibacy thing _isn’t working_. You know it isn’t. You need physical contact with another human being and sex is the fastest way for you to get that.”

Scott slumps against his seat and closes his eyes. He’s tired and sad and he just wants to feel normal again. Well, as normal as he’d felt when he’d gone to those anonymous hook-ups. That’s become his new normal and he’d been very happy with that. But the gun incident had really scared the shit out of him. He’d deleted his profile on the BDSM site and he doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to meet up with a stranger for sex ever again, so he’s stuck. “I don’t wanna have sex with strangers,” he mumbles, feeling close to tears. “It’s dangerous and—”

“And you’re scared. Well, anybody who went through what you did would be. I’m not saying you have to have sex with strangers.”

That’s when the annoyance comes back because Ryan’s acting like Scott has other options, but he doesn’t. At least, not good ones. “I don’t have time for a relationship and I don’t wanna deal with that. Besides, who the fuck will hang out with me when I’m being an ass? And nobody’s gonna wanna date me if it’s clear that I just wanna use them for sex.”

“You’re missing the obvious solution, Jenkins.”

“There aren’t any other options, you idiot! Except the one I’m doing now. I just have to calm down. Maybe I’ll try yoga or something.” One thing that’s not on the list yet is seeing a therapist because he’s really not ready to tell a therapist the things he or she will want to know in order to help him.

Then Ryan turns everything on its head. “Or I could fuck you and you’d get the best of both worlds.”

That’s when Scott hangs up on him and throws his phone onto the dashboard. Fuck Harris and his stupid jokes.

* * *

Ryan’s eyes widen the second he hears what he’d just said. Shit. That was definitely _not_ what he wanted to say! He wanted to suggest the sex toys and the club!

Damn it!

It’s not a surprise when Scott hangs up on him and Ryan tries calling him back to apologize, but Scott isn’t picking up the phone.

It’s no mystery why those stupid words had popped out of his mouth. Just the idea of helping Scott release all that pent-up sexual frustration is hot because Scott’s hot and they’ve always gotten along great, so there’s no reason to think that sex between them would be anything but great. Ryan’s had friends with benefits before and it always went well. As long as he’s not in a dom role during sex, he has a much easier time keeping his emotions in check and just enjoying himself.

But none of that matters. Sex is a very sensitive topic for Scott right now and it’s easy to understand why he would think Ryan’s joking. If there’s any topic that Scott has no sense of humor about these days, it’s sex. Despite the fact that Ryan wasn’t joking, he should have been more tactful. Dropping that suggestion into the conversation like it’s a casual throw-away comment was rude.

When Scott’s phone switches to voicemail, Ryan hangs up and calls back again, desperate to apologize.

* * *

Glaring at his steering wheel as Ryan’s stupid joke runs through his head, Scott turns his car on and drives home.

Unfortunately, he can’t get Ryan’s words out of his head. Because he’s stupid and horny, the first thing he’d felt when Ryan had suggested it was relief. It really would be the perfect solution. He’s never done the whole friends-with-benefits thing before, but Scott’s really good at having meaningless sex with no strings attached. Well, maybe he’s not really _good_ at it—as recent evidence would suggest—but he can do it.

But none of that matters because obviously, Ryan was joking.

As he drives, his phone keeps ringing. It’s always Ryan, so when he’s stopped at a red light, Scott switches off the ringer.

By the time he’s home, taken off his gun belt, badge and clothes, showered and checked his phone before going to bed, he’s missed seven phone calls and gotten fifteen texts, all from Ryan. He doesn’t read any of them and he’s too angry to even bother going to the fridge to see if he can win the battle to eat tonight. Instead, he curls up in bed, angry, sad and his stomach aching from hunger.

* * *

No matter how many times Ryan tries calling him or texting him, Scott doesn’t reply. Ryan’s on the verge of driving over to Scott’s place, but then he realizes that’ll probably make things worse. He needs to wait until tomorrow and hopefully Scott will have calmed down enough so Ryan can apologize and explain the situation. Then he’ll leave things in Scott’s hands.

* * *

The next morning, Ryan’s waiting for him in the parking lot. Scott tries to be quick, but as soon as his door is open, Ryan stands in the open car door, blocking his way out. Great. “Move. We have work to do.”

“I just wanna say two things and then I promise, I won’t bring it up again.”

Scott glares at him. “I don’t wanna hear more of your bullshit.”

“It’s not bullshit.”

Scoffing, Scott tries pushing past him to get out, but Ryan’s planted himself in the door and he’s not budging. Scott doesn’t want to turn this into a physical fight and he also refuses to climb out through the passenger side…and he knows that Ryan knows that. So he lets out a sigh that lets Ryan know how annoyed he is. “Okay, say your two things.”

“Look at me. Please.”

“You’re driving me crazy, Harris.”

“Look at me so you can see that I’m being serious.”

With another loud sigh, Scott turns his head and stares at Ryan. On a weird note, it’s beneficial that they’re both almost the same height, since Scott doesn’t have to expend extra energy to look into his eyes. Ryan doesn’t deserve Scott’s extra energy, the stupid fucking bullshit joker.

To his surprise, he can tell Ryan has his serious face on. He’s terrible at pulling pranks on people because he always gets too excited and can’t keep the smile off his face.

But there’s no trace of a smile on his face now.

“First, I wanna say I’m sorry. My offer wasn’t a joke, but I shouldn’t have thrown it at you like that. I know you’re stressed and dealing with a lot, and that wasn’t respectful. So I’m sorry.”

Scott glares at him, but doesn’t respond. The apology is appreciated, but he’s bracing himself for whatever else Ryan wants to say.

“Second, I’ve had friends with benefits in the past. It worked really well and I know it could work well with us too. It wouldn’t be serious, it wouldn’t get weird and nothing would change between us except that we can have sex regularly and that might take the edge off for you until you sort things out.”

Scott knows now that Ryan’s being serious, but that makes it worse. “I’m not a charity case,” he snaps.

“Of course not! It wouldn’t be charity, you dumbass. It would be me helping a friend who I care about a lot. And by the way, there would be good times involved for me too. It’s not like I’d be suffering.”

One part of Scott wants to jump on this lifeline that Ryan is throwing him. Having sex again would fulfill his need for intimacy and human contact, and it would help him feel better, but another part of him can’t believe that he’d need to resort to such drastic measures. “I’m not ready for that.”

Ryan gives him a long look and Scott meets his gaze. Maybe the fact that Scott’s responding calmly lets Ryan know that he’s serious. “Okay. The offer’s on the table.”

“How…” He can’t believe he’s actually going to ask this question.

“How what?”

“How long’s the offer gonna be on the table?”

“Until I meet somebody I’m serious about. But I’m not looking right now, so it’ll be good for a while. But Jenkins…”

Scott sighs, feeling like shit. “I know, I know. I don’t have a while to sort this out. But just let me …just let me think. Please.”

“Okay. Come on, I got us breakfast.”

* * *

“Have you lost your mind?!”

Scott’s heart is racing and he doesn’t know whether to punch something or cry. Unfortunately, either of those reactions would just make the situation worse. The last time Cap had yelled at him had been three years ago and Scott had vowed to make that the last. He can’t believe he’s fallen so far, so quickly.

“I…was out of line, sir.”

Captain Ramirez stares at him incredulously. “Out of line?! You deliberately violated a suspect’s rights. That’s not just out of line, that’s an offence I can fire you for!”

Scott swallows hard, feeling shaky. He can’t believe he’s stumbling from one stupid situation into another these days, and they’re always his fault. “Sir—”

“No, you’re done talking. Your attitude has been crap for weeks and I don’t even know how many complaints I gotten. I’ve talked to you about it twice already and there’s been no improvement. But now you’re on a whole other level. If Harris hadn’t gone in there and put a stop to your stupidity, I would absolutely be firing you.”

“I would have let him call his lawyer, sir. I swear.”

“Really?! When were you planning on letting him do that? After another two hours? A week later? A year later? You know the rules and you know why they exist! If he wants a lawyer, he gets his phone call. End of story.”

Scott feels like shit. The whole experience had been surreal and he’d felt like he was standing outside of his body, watching himself making a mess. He’d let his temper control the entire interrogation and it had started out giving him good results. But once the guy had asked to call his lawyer, Scott’s temper had kept right on going and he’d gone along for the ride. He hasn’t let his temper get away from him like that in years and it’s never been this bad, even during his worst years. Ryan had been yelling at him through his ear piece, but Scott had reached up and taken it out. Eventually Ryan had come in and put a stop to the disaster.

Captain Ramirez points a finger at him. “You better be thanking Harris for the rest of your life, because he’s the only reason this situation didn’t completely blow up in our faces.”

Clenching his jaw and feeling miserable, Scott just nods numbly. “Yes, sir.”

The Captain stares at him for a long moment, then drops into his chair with a heavy sigh. “Scotty, you’ve been doing so well in the last few years. You’ve proven that you could move past the behavioral issues you had in your early years in this department and we both agreed to leave that in the past, as long as you stayed on the right path.”

Ramirez’s soft, disappointed words are much worse than the yelling and Scott wants to cry.

The older man looks worried but also terribly disappointed. “I don’t know what’s caused this sudden backwards slide, but you need to sort it out. The department has therapists you can see, free of charge. You know that. We have resources available to help you, but you need to make use of them.”

“Yes, sir.”

The Captain tilts his head. “Do you even realize how bad this is? This isn’t just a behavioral problem. You could have jeopardized this entire investigation. I know you, and I know you couldn’t live with yourself if you had to call Andrew’s parents and explain to them that their son’s killer is going to get off just because you made a stupid mistake during the interrogation. Not to mention that you’d have destroyed months of work that Ryan, you and everybody else around here did.”

His disappointment is rapidly replaced with fear. He’d been so focused on how angry and disappointed Cap was in him that he hadn’t even stopped to consider what a huge mess this could have led to. This isn’t the same as Scott allowing strangers to hurt him, which wouldn’t result in innocent people being swept up in the aftermath. This is something completely different.

He can’t keep going down this path. He’s already hurt the people closest to him and he was about to hurt people who have nothing to do with the situation. It’s time for drastic measures.

But Captain Ramirez isn’t done yet. “I’m writing you up for your attitude problems, and legally I have to inform you that the reprimand will go on your permanent record, but you know that already. I hope you realize what a huge favor I’m doing for you. I can’t emphasize strongly enough that it’s only because of Harris that I’m not firing you.”

“Yes, sir. I understand that.”

The Captain gives him a very hard look. “This is your last chance. If I get one more complaint about your attitude—no matter how minor—it’s gonna go straight on your record again, and if you pull another stunt like this, I’m gonna make sure you’re out of here. I’m not gonna have somebody like that in my department, no matter how much time I’ve invested in you.”

That’s when shame crawls over him and he feels even worse. “I’ll fix this, sir. I promise.”

“Good. You’re dismissed.”

* * *

Everybody’s understandably mad at him, but the person he’s most concerned about is Ryan. And Ryan’s livid. When Ryan gets very angry, he just gets quiet and treats the person he’s mad at like they’re nothing more than a work acquaintance who he can’t stand being around and only interacts with when he has to.

Sitting down at his desk, he glances across at Ryan. As he’d predicted, Ryan’s typing on his computer, ignoring Scott’s presence.

“I’m sorry,” Scott says quietly. “I know I fucked up really, really bad. This is the second time you’ve saved my career and I don’t deserve it, but thank you. Whatever I do for the rest of the time I’m wearing my badge, I have you to thank for it, so thank you. And I’m really, really sorry.”

Then he stops talking because he knows Ryan won’t acknowledge him.

Wordlessly, Scott stands up and takes a stack of waiting reports off Ryan’s desk. They’re all tedious forms that they both hate filling out, but Scott adds the pile on top of his own. He has no idea if he can salvage his friendship with Ryan, but this is the least he can do.

They spend the rest of the day in near silence. Scott keeps his questions strictly work related and Ryan answers them in a monotone voice, not even making eye contact with him. But Scott just keeps his eyes on his desk and completes report after report.


	4. Chapter 4

Ryan can’t believe how quickly Scott’s spiraled downwards. Not having sex for a month might be unusual for some people, but he remembers they’ve had some really busy stretches at work where they’d barely had the energy to get through their days. He doubts Scott had been having sex during those stretches and those sometimes last a few weeks. They’re exhausting but once things calm down, Scott’s always bounced back quickly.

The fact that Scott’s behavior has changed so rapidly in just a month makes Ryan suspect that having sex is just a small part of Scott’s problem.

He’s never pried into his partner’s personal life very much. Scott hates talking about his past and always seems to get anxious when the subject comes up, so Ryan’s avoided prying into it. Scott had lost both his parents in car accident when he was 19 and that would mess anybody up, but Ryan had always assumed Scott was getting help somewhere else. But maybe he hadn’t been? Maybe something else has given Scott a bandage to cover up whatever he’s been dealing with and now that’s been torn off?

Ryan knows how much it can hurt a sub if they lose a dom, but he’s reasonably sure Scott’s never had a regular dom before. At least, not one who’s treated him well. Scott doesn’t seem to know even basic BDSM etiquette and isn’t comfortable with the terminology Ryan had used, so whatever so-called dom he’s been with in the past is an asshole anyway.

Ryan finds himself constantly flashing back to how things had been four years ago when he’d first started working with Scott. He tries to see if his own behavior has changed in a way that could explain Scott’s backwards slide, but he can’t think of anything.

He’s always treated Scott with respect, but he’s never allowed Scott to treat him like crap. His behavior towards Scott hasn’t changed very much over the last four years. It’s been Scott whose behavior has changed and Ryan just kept things consistent because that’s what his mom had advised him to do and it had worked wonders. There are certain lines Ryan had drawn in the sand when they’d first started working together and he’s not moving those lines, despite Scott being his best friend.

He’d had his doubts that things would work out between them when Cap had promoted Scott and paired him with Ryan. They hadn’t ever moved in the same social circles and they’d barely known each other back then, but what Ryan had known about him hadn’t impressed him. He remembers being really annoyed when Captain Ramirez had told him he’d wanted to pair him up with Scott—

“You wanted to see me Captain?”

Cap had looked up from his desk and given Ryan a smile and gestured at his chair. “Come in, Ryan. Have a seat.”

Ryan had sat down, curious about what Cap wanted. He’d known he hadn’t been in trouble.

“How well do you know Scott Jenkins? From vice?”

Ryan had frowned, having to search through his memory to recall the person who fit that name. “The blond guy? On Simpson’s team?”

“Yes, that’s the one. I’m considering promoting him to detective.”

Ryan had struggled to maintain a polite smile on his face. He’d only seen Jenkins a handful of times, mostly at the nearby bar and the guy was always loud and aggressive. They’d never done more than greet each other in passing, since Ryan would always socialize with his partner, Calloway, or his former vice team members, and Jenkins would always be with Tyrell Johnson and the rest of his own vice team.

“What does that have to do with me, sir?”

Captain Ramirez had given him a tight smile, as if he’d known his next words wouldn’t make Ryan happy. “Jenkins has some behavioral issues but he’s smart, very detail oriented and I think a change in scenery would help him settle down a bit. Calloway’s retiring so you’ll need a new partner anyway. I’d like to stick the two of you together.”

Ryan’s first instinct had been to make a face, but he’d caught himself just in time. “Me and Jenkins?”

“Yep. You were on vice so you understand that culture, that mentality. But you’ve done two years with Calloway and I’m really happy with the way you’ve adjusted. I think you and Jenkins would get along well and you could show him the ropes.”

“What if he doesn’t like the ropes I’m showing him?”

Cap had smiled knowingly. “I’m gonna keep an eye on him. If he steps out of line, I’ll deal with it. And if things really don’t work out between the two of you, then I’ll re-assign him. But I have a good feeling about this. Jenkins has potential, he just needs to be in the right environment.”

Things hadn’t started off well. Scott had been an aggressive ball of anger and he’d been so accustomed to the rougher environment of being on vice that the adjustment had been difficult for him. But like Cap had predicted, Ryan’s previous experience had allowed him to help Scott understand how things worked in the detective world: a lot more combing through endless stacks of documents and a lot less door busting.

To Ryan’s pleasant surprise, Scott had calmed down relatively quickly. He seemed to enjoy the quieter atmosphere of being a detective and once they’d realized that they were both movie buffs, a friendship had quickly developed between them. Scott’s anger had slowly faded away, he’d started smiling more and generally looked way happier with the world and himself.

And now they’re back to square one. Something had managed to undo four years of progress in just a month and Ryan hates that. He really doesn’t miss those days when he had to watch Scott like a hawk and step in when he’d see that Scott was about to lose his temper and step over the line, like he did today during the interrogation.

What’s bothering Ryan most of all is that he’s worried sick over Scott. He doesn’t know where Scott’s anger had come from four years ago or how long he’d been struggling with it, but this rapid backwards slide is worrying him. He can see Scott’s exhausted and Ryan spends way too much time staring at Scott’s body not to have noticed that he’s losing weight. He rarely finishes his breakfast or lunch and there’s an empty look in his eyes that scares the shit out of Ryan.

He has no idea what’s going on in Scott’s head or what he needs to say to make things better for him. But at the end of the day, he’s supporting him as much as Scott is allowing him to and he’s given Scott options. Even though this interrogation fuck-up really pissed Ryan off, he still wants to help Scott.

But unfortunately, he can’t do that unless Scott accepts his help. Ryan’s really hoping this interrogation situation is the kick Scott needs to finally start accepting help. There’s really not much further Scott can fall and that’s terrifying.

* * *

The shock of how far he’s fallen keeps Scott quiet and numb for a few days. He keeps his conversations with Ryan strictly work-related and buys breakfast and lunch for both of them each day, always asking Ryan what he’d like to eat and buying it without complaining.

When they’re driving back to the station from a new crime scene, Ryan surprises him by saying something that’s not work-related while he’s waiting to make a left turn. “So I’m gonna forgive you.”

Scott stares at him, feeling the first bit of hope he’s felt in days. “Really?”

There’s a break in traffic and Ryan makes the turn. “Yeah. You’re not stupid and I can tell this was the wakeup call you needed. We salvaged the case, things are moving forward and there’s no point in staying mad at you. So I’m forgiving you and we’re gonna move on.”

Letting out a long breath, Scott leans back against his seat and closes his eyes. “Thank you. I don’t deserve it, but thank you.”

“I know you don’t. But I don’t wanna lose what we have. But this really is your last chance, Jenkins. After this, I’m done. I’m not helping you or covering for you if you mess up like that again.”

“Okay.”

“Couple more things.”

“Okay…”

“You’re doing my reports for the rest of the month.”

“Okay.”

“And you’re buying me breakfast and lunch for the rest of the month and I get to pick what I wanna eat.”

“Deal.”

“And my offer’s still on the table.”

Scott’s eyes fly open and he stares at Ryan. “Seriously?”

“Yep.”

It’s shameful, but a rush of want runs through Scott. God, does he want. He just really, really wants to have sex with a human being again, and not have it go south.

“I…” He has no idea how to say what he wants to say without coming across as desperate or rude. He really is desperate, but Ryan’s given him nothing but good things in the last few weeks and Scott doesn’t want to take advantage of that. “Are you sure?”

“Yep.”

“Okay. Uh…when’s a good time for you?”

“Not right now. I’m still a bit mad and I don’t wanna do this when I’m mad. I need a few more days.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll let you know.”

“Okay.” As Ryan turns the car into the station parking lot, Scott feels overwhelmed with what a good friend Ryan is and how lucky he is to have him in his life. “Ryan?”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t know what I’d do without you. I just want you to know that.”

“Well, when you’re not being an idiot then I’m usually really happy to have you around too, so it’s not one-sided.”

Scott manages a small smile. “I promise to try a lot harder not to be an idiot from now on.”

Ryan glances at him and gives him the first smile Scott’s gotten from him in days. “Good. And we’ll see if a good fucking will help you with that goal.”

That makes embarrassment rush through Scott and he’s blushing. Judging from Ryan’s laughter as he gets out of the car and heads towards the station, he knows exactly what effect his words had on Scott.

* * *

Two days later, they’re back to normal, as far as their working and personal relationship goes. Ryan’s not mad at him anymore and Scott…Scott’s shock has worn off and he’s back to feeling antsy. But he’s trying much harder than before to keep his irritation to himself.

He’s really getting annoyed at himself. This is his problem and he can’t keep taking it out on everybody else around him. The root of his various personal issues aren’t his fault, but the fact that he’s always let his fear prevent him from seeking healthy solutions is definitely his fault.

It’s definitely time for him to find some solutions. But getting his anxiety to agree that he deserves those solutions is another matter.

Eating and sleeping are a lost cause, but what Scott struggles with even more is the constant loneliness. While he’s masturbating at home, he can make himself feel good for short periods of time and that’s wonderful. He loves sucking on his fingers and fucking himself with his fingers, but once he’s done, those good feelings rapidly fade. Unfortunately, he usually feels even worse afterwards because his mouth and ass are both empty and that reminds him that he’s alone and not worthy of anybody’s love.

Since that horrible feeling is contributing to his sadness and in turn, fueling his anger at the world, Scott thinks that’s something he needs to tackle. The porn videos he used to watch often featured people using toys on themselves, and that gives Scott an idea. He can’t sleep with a dildo in his mouth, but falling asleep with something in his ass would probably help keep those dark feelings at bay and help him sleep better.

The second he considers buying a plug for himself, his anxiety starts screeching at him; reminding him that he doesn’t deserve to give himself such a present and also, he’s a needy, pathetic whore for needing something like that. His thoughts go back and forth, until he finally comes up with a good enough argument:

Ryan has been suffering due to Scott’s bad mood, and that’s not fair. Ryan has nothing to do with Scott’s various problems and he deserves a lot better than that. The fact that Scott doesn’t deserve to feel better is irrelevant. Ryan’s the important person in this situation.

That’s something his anxiety can’t argue with, and Scott eagerly orders the plug before his anxiety can change his mind again.

It arrives two days later and for the first time in years, Scott’s looking forward to getting into bed in his apartment. He doesn’t even bother getting himself off first, he just gets himself open enough to slide the plug in.

And oh—it’s just as good as he’d hoped it would be. Lying on his stomach, Scott clenches his ass around the plug and he feels so wonderfully full and loved. Closing his eyes, he smiles as joy radiates through him for the first time in weeks. He knows it’s stupid and pathetic to feel like this just because a silicone toy is wedged up his ass, but he’s okay with that. He’s stupid and pathetic in general, so nothing’s changed there.

But what does change is that Scott’s anxiety stays quiet for the rest of the night and he manages to fall asleep and stay asleep for three full hours, which is a nice new record.

Unfortunately, he can’t wear the plug all the time, and taking it out in the mornings before going to work leaves him feeling empty and sad all over again. He debates wearing it while he’s at work, but his anxiety quickly shoots down that idea, reminding him how pathetic he already is and needing to wear a sex toy to get through his day is ridiculous. There’s also the potential of somebody figuring out he’s wearing it, and Scott wouldn’t survive that humiliation. So sadly, he can only wear it at night, but it really helps.

No matter how lonely and sad he gets during the day, his ass is always full at night and he no longer feels alone and unloved. He knows that’s pathetic—and it’s proving all those assholes right who spent years calling him a disgusting whore who’s only good for fucking—and it’s not a healthy long term solution, but it’s a big improvement. He loves feeling the plug in his ass and clenching down on it. Best of all, the plug won’t ever hurt him or leave him, so Scott’s very fond of his new friend.

But sadly, the plug doesn’t solve everything. Scott’s still craving physical contact and his anxiety often reminds him how pitiful it is that Scott’s only source of love comes from a sex toy. Yes, he and Ryan are doing fine again, but that’s not the same thing. Scott’s still desperate to have sex with another person, but now that he’s on the right track, Ryan will hopefully follow through on his promise and give Scott what he’s so desperate for.

But hoping is all Scott is doing about Ryan’s promise. He doesn’t want to push Ryan and risk annoying him into changing his mind. Scott’s sure that Ryan will eventually change his mind—who the hell would actually want to have sex with him unless they can do whatever they want with him and treat him like trash?—but he’s still hoping for the best.

With the plug’s help and using his desire to be a better person for Ryan, Scott also works harder at being a kinder person to the other people around him. Some days, his only motivation to do it is to keep Ryan happy and give Ryan what he deserves, but Scott will use whatever motivation he can get.

To accomplish this, he works much harder at keeping his temper in check. If his knee-jerk reaction to somebody greeting him or engaging him in normal conversation is to snap at them, he clenches his jaw, takes a few breaths and mentally reminds himself to be polite before he starts talking. If he’s getting angry with somebody, he excuses himself and goes for a walk outside, mentally ranting at the situation until he’s calmed down enough to go back in.

After one of his walks, he’s sitting back down on his desk chair and Ryan’s staring at him, smiling. “What are you smiling at?”

“I like what I’m seeing.”

Scott scoffs and rolls his eyes. “I’m managing to act like a normal human being while at work. Congratulations to me.”

“You might not be impressed, but I am. And I’d like to show you my appreciation in person.”

Scott stares at him. Is Ryan actually suggesting what he thinks he’s suggesting?! Will his crazy hopes actually turn into reality? “Really?”

“Really. I have a seat at my table tonight. The table that has that offer on it.”

Scott laughs. “That’s a really dumb metaphor.”

Ryan shrugs. “Whatever. You wanna come over for dinner and other stuff?”

At the mention of ‘other stuff’, Scott gets a mental image in his head and feels that desperate want and the beginning stirrings of arousal. He doesn’t realize he’s frantically nodding his head until Ryan laughs at him.

Blushing, Scott forces himself to look back at his computer.

Ryan flicks a pen at him, which Scott dodges. “So…that’s a yes?”

Scott shots him a mock-glare and throws the pen back at him. “Yes, that’s a yes.”

Ryan grins. “Good. I know you’re really excited, but don’t worry—you have lots to keep you busy until then.”

And that’s when Ryan reaches into his desk drawer, pulls out a stack of reports and drops them on Scott’s desk with a thud.

Just because he doesn’t want to give Ryan the satisfaction, Scott deliberately doesn’t touch those reports until an hour later. Thankfully, doing the reports and dealing with other things keeps Scott distracted for the rest of the day and by some miracle, he manages to forget about what’s on his schedule for later. But when he turns off his computer and starts getting his things together to go home, he feels Ryan staring at him. Looking up, he sees that Ryan’s grinning at him.

Wiggling his eyebrows at him, Ryan’s eyes are shining. “Ready to go home?”

And that’s when all the desire comes rushing back and Scott can barely breathe. “Hell, yes.”

Ryan laughs. “Come on.” Standing up, he grabs his jacket off his chair and pulls it on while Scott hurries to keep up.

He’s so excited that he’s vibrating as he turns his car on, his hole twitching and desperate for Ryan’s cock. If he were on his own, he’d break every speed limit along the way to Ryan’s apartment, so Scott deliberately stays behind Ryan so he won’t wrap his car around a pole on his way there.

When they’re on the elevator, Ryan’s talking about something but Scott isn’t paying attention because his heart’s racing and he’s shaking with the desperate need to get touched and fucked.

“Scotty? Hello?”

Scott manages to blink at Ryan. “Yeah?”

Ryan’s grinning at him. “I’m just reminding you that fucking you in the elevator isn’t an option.”

Huffing a shaky laugh, Scott smacks him in the chest. But then the elevator is opening and Scott’s stumbling towards Ryan’s apartment door.

Ryan unlocks the door and they head inside.

As always, a sense of peace settles over Scott as soon as he’s in the apartment. He doesn’t know why, but he really loves Ryan’s apartment. It feels so much nicer than his cold, impersonal apartment with other people’s old furniture. He has the money to buy his own things, but he’s never felt he deserves to buy his own things. Thankfully, he has no problem being in Ryan’s apartment and despite the pent-up tension running through his body, that peaceful feeling calms him down a bit.

That is, until after he’s kicked off his shoes and hung up his jacket and Ryan’s hanging up his own jacket, but he deliberately leans up against Scott’s back, pressing himself against him.

Scott knows he’s doing it on purpose but he doesn’t catch the moan that comes out of his mouth and the physical contact sends a shudder through him and he shoves his ass back to press against Ryan’s cock.

Ryan chuckles and shifts his hips back. “Patience, Jenkins. We gotta talk first.”

“You started it. And what the hell do we have to talk about? It’s pretty simple. Your dick, my ass. We don’t even have to go to your bed. I’ll let you fuck me anywhere you want.”

Ryan laughs again and the sound vibrates through both of them. Scott’s so tightly wound and so desperate that just having somebody wrapped around him like this is enough to make his breathing shaky.

Maybe Ryan can sense that Scott’s close to combusting, because he steps back as he unclips his gun belt and badge and slings the belt over his shoulder, gesturing for Scott to hand his over. “Ground rules.”

Taking off his own gun belt and unclipping his badge from his waistband, Scott hands them to Ryan. “What ground rules?”

Ryan heads towards the bedroom where Scott knows he’s putting their guns and badges into a drawer in the bedroom, like he usually does when Scott comes over to watch movies.

“Is kissing okay?” Ryan calls out from the bedroom.

That’s when Scott blinks rapidly and his tension changes from excitement to wariness.

When Scott doesn’t manage to say anything, Ryan comes out of the bedroom and walks towards him with a worried frown. “We don’t have to do this, Scotty. You can change your mind any time. We can watch a movie or you can go home or I can drive you…whatever you want.”

Scott shakes his head. “No. I really, really wanna have sex. But I’m just remembering how it went last time—and the times before that—and…I don’t want it to be like that between us.”

Ryan comes a bit closer, but he stands by the kitchen counter so they have several feet of space between them. “I don’t either. So you tell me how you wanna do this. What you do and don’t wanna do.”

The answer to that is simple. He wants the opposite of what happened the last time he had sex. “Kissing’s good. He didn’t wanna kiss me. That was fine cause I didn’t wanna kiss him. But I wanna kiss.”

“Okay. Can I blow you?”

It’s on the tip of Scott’s tongue to blurt out that he’d rather suck Ryan’s cock, in fact, he’ll do anything to get to suck on Ryan’s cock—but then he remembers how he usually gets when he has somebody’s cock in his mouth, and Ryan can’t witness that. “I—yeah. Yeah, but I…I don’t…just—”

“You don’t have to blow me. You don’t ever have to have anybody’s dick in your mouth ever again if you don’t want to, okay? Anybody who tries to tell you otherwise is an asshole and you need to beat them up and get away from them ASAP. Then you need to come tell me about them and we can go beat him up again together.”

Despite how anxious he’s feeling, that makes Scott let out a small laugh. “Okay.”

“You wanna fuck me? I’m not really into it, but—”

Scott’s shaking his head. “No. I mean—if you—if that’s—we can do that later. If you want. I don’t mind. But I—I—”

Ryan gives him a soft smile. “You wanna get fucked, I know. I was just checking. You got any preferences for position?”

That makes Scott blink again. Nobody’s ever asked him that. Most of the people’s he’s had anonymous hookups with automatically put him on his hands and knees. Truthfully, Scott didn’t mind not seeing the faces of the people who were fucking him. He hated himself for needing them and he hated himself for putting himself into those situations just because he was a stupid slut, so not seeing them was a small luxury he allowed himself.

But he wants this to be different. “I wanna do it face to face. I wanna—I need to see you. I need to see that it’s you.”

Ryan nods. “Okay. Now my ground rules.”

Scott stares at him. It hadn’t occurred to him that Ryan would have any rules, but it makes sense. “Okay.”

“If you don’t like something, you gotta tell me right away. I don’t wanna hurt you and I want this to be fun for both of us.”

Scott opens his mouth to remind Ryan that it’s not that simple. He’s hoping he won’t fall into the weird realm of stupid while they have sex, but he might. And if he does, he won’t be able to talk properly. He might be thinking the words he wants to say, but he can’t get them out of his mouth.

But Ryan already knows what he’s going to say. “I don’t want you falling into subspace. That isn’t what this is about. If you do, then I’m gonna stop. We’re gonna be talking and communicating the whole time and hopefully, you’ll stay verbal. But if you can’t talk, then you still have to tell me what’s going on.”

Scott shots him an unimpressed look. “How the fuck am I supposed to tell you what’s going on when I can’t talk?”

“The exact same way we communicated when we were on vice, doing raids.”

That gets Scott’s attention. “Hand signals.”

“Yeah. I think we should be fine with just two. I was thinking about this and I looked up some ASL signs to see if we can use those. So I think we can use the normal ASL sign for ‘no’. It looks like this.” Ryan holds up his hand, holds his index and middle fingers together and taps the tips of those fingers against his thumb. “It looks like a bird beak. But another thing you can do is snap your fingers. That’ll definitely get my attention if I’m not looking right at your hands.”

Scott lifts his hands and does the little beak snap sign and snaps his fingers. That could work.

“If I ask you if you’re enjoying something and you wanna keep going with it, we should have a sign for ‘yes’.”

“How do you do ‘yes’ in ASL?”

Ryan shakes his head. “It won’t work. It’s like this—” He holds up his fist and waves his hand from his wrist, as if his fist is nodding. “If we’re having sex and moving around and you’re grabbing onto things, then anytime you make a fist, it might look like you’re saying ‘yes’ and confusion is the last thing we want.”

“You have another idea?”

“Yeah. It’s a little cheesy, but I think it’ll work. Now, don’t make fun of me, just listen, okay?”

“I never make fun of you. Ever.”

“Uh huh. So this is a shorthand way of saying ‘I love you’ in ASL,” Ryan says, holding up his hand with his thumb, index and pinky fingers extended. “We can shorten it and if you hold up your thumb and index fingers, then that’s really clear and that’s you saying you love whatever we’re doing.”

Scott makes the signs with his hands, switching between the yes and no signs. It hits him how amazing Ryan is that he’d taken the time to think about Scott’s stupid problem and how to fix it.

“You think that’ll work, Scotty? We can make more signs if you want.”

“No, I think that’s good.”

“I really hope we don’t have to use them. I don’t want you falling into subspace.”

Scott doesn’t want that either. He isn’t ready to trust anybody around him when he floats off and acts like a stupid slut. The last time he’d done that, he’d ended up letting them stick his loaded gun into his mouth.

“You good? Any questions, comments, complaints?”

Scott looks up from his hands and grins. “Just one complaint.”

“That I’m taking too damn long and you wanna get to the fucking?”

Scott laughs and Ryan joins in and jerks his head towards the bedroom. “Come on, let’s get this show on the road.”


	5. Chapter 5

Following Ryan into the bedroom is fine, but once Ryan’s closed the door behind them and they’re standing there, Scott’s anxiety comes back. Before their discussion, he’d just been horny and wanting to get to the sex part. But now that Ryan’s reminded him about his recent sexual experiences, he’s nervous.

And a little scared. But mostly nervous.

“Hey,” Ryan says softly. He reaches for Scott and rubs gentle hands up and down his sides. “We don’t have to do this.”

Scott lets out a frustrated sigh. “I just wanna get past the awkward part.”

“Awkward? Us?” Ryan grins and presses his forehead against Scott’s. “We’re never awkward. We never grab the wrong case file when we go interview somebody. We never get mustard on ourselves when we’re eating lunch and then get called into Cap’s office.”

That makes Scott smile, despite his nerves.

“There it is,” Ryan says softly.

“There what is?” Scott mumbles.

“Your smile. I’ve been missing it lately.”

“I’ll ask it to make more regular appearances.”

Ryan smiles. “I think I have a way to coax it out of hiding.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I think lots of kissing will do the trick.”

Scott’s smile automatically widens. He’s relaxing again. There’s nothing scary about this. It’s just Ryan and nothing’s gonna go wrong and Ryan’s not gonna hurt him. “Well, hurry up and see if it works.”

“I’ll do my best.”

Then Ryan’s tilting his head and pressing his lips against Scott’s. Ryan kisses him gently, just soft little kisses until Scott settles into it and kisses him back.

Scott’s hands automatically find Ryan and wrap around his waist, his fingers finding the edge of his shirt so he can slip underneath and feel warm skin. That sends a rush of heat through him and he licks at Ryan’s lips, wanting more.

Ryan parts his lips and Scott licks his way into Ryan’s mouth, tangling their tongues together and sucking on his lower lip. Ryan lets out a moan and his own fingers find their way under Scott’s shirt and run up his back.

The feel of Ryan’s hands on his skin makes Scott groan happily and he deepens the kiss. Pulling his hands out of Ryan’s shirt, he clutches Ryan’s neck and kisses him harder. His heart’s racing and he feels like he’s going to vibrate out of his skin.

Ryan pulls his lips off Scott’s and kisses his way down his neck, making Scott tilt his head back to give him more room and dig his hands into Ryan’s hair. His cock is aching and he wants his pants off. In fact, he wants all of his clothes off, and Ryan’s too. He wants to touch more skin and have more of his own skin touched.

“Clothes off. Clothes. Need. Off,” he gasps out.

Ryan’s chuckles against his neck and a hand squeezes his cock through his pants and rubs hard, making Scott let out a whine and tighten his grip in Ryan’s hair. “Oh, Jesus,” he gasps out and presses up against Ryan’s hand.

When Ryan pulls his hand away, Scott lets out a plaintive whine and yanks Ryan close so he can rub his stiff cock against Ryan’s thigh.

Ryan laughs softly and pulls back from sucking on his neck, tugging Scott’s hands out of his hair. Grabbing Scott’s chin, he presses hard kisses against his panting, spit-slicked lips. “Pants need to come off if I’m gonna blow you,” Ryan points out, sounding way too damn logical.

Scott lets out some type of noise, but he can’t seem to stop rubbing himself against Ryan’s leg as he shoves his hands under Ryan’s shirt, grabbing onto his sides. He can’t bear the thought of not touching Ryan.

Ryan kisses him some more and distracts him by sucking on his tongue. Scott doesn’t even notice that Ryan’s been walking him backwards until his legs bump against Ryan’s bed and he goes tumbling back and lands on the mattress.

His hands are reaching for Ryan, but Ryan stays out of reach, yanking off his own clothes. When he’s naked, he grabs Scott’s shirt and wrestles it off him, staying out of Scott’s reach until it’s off. But Ryan’s kind to him and when he reaches for Scott’s pants, he undoes the button and zipper with one hand, while his other hand is rubbing his cock.

Scott lets out a moan and thrust up against Ryan’s hand. He’s barely aware of his pants and underwear being pulled off, but suddenly he’s got a naked Ryan covering him, pressing warm skin to warm skin and it’s glorious. Then Ryan’s lips are back on his and it gets even better.

When Scott shifts, his hard cock nudges against Ryan’s and Ryan groans into his mouth. “Fuck,” he gasps out against Scott’s lips and lines them up so he can thrust his cock against Scott’s.

Scott’s entire body is lit up with arousal and he’s shaking, gasping through kisses as their cocks rub against each other.

Then Ryan’s pulling back and looking down at him. His eyes are blown wide with arousal and he’s breathing just as hard as Scott is. “You good?”

Scott nods. “Yeah. Yeah. Just…please.”

Ryan leans down and kisses him hard. “I’ve got you, don’t worry.” Then he steps back to grab something off the bedside table and Scott hears a drawer being opened and closed.

When Ryan comes back, he’s tearing open a condom packet and Scott’s heart starts to race. Ryan’s gonna fuck him. He thought Ryan had mentioned something about blowing him and it’s a little disappointing that won’t happen because it’s been so long since somebody had given him a blow job that he can’t even remember when it was, but getting fucked is even better.

Ryan’s lips are back on his and he’s kissing his way down Scott’s neck, his chest, his stomach—then he’s rolling the condom onto Scott’s cock and wrapping his lips around him.

“Oh, fuck!” Scott can’t help the way his hips are automatically thrusting into Ryan’s mouth a bit. The upside to rarely having his dick sucked is that it feels amazing, despite the condom. His cock is wrapped in warm, moist heat and Ryan’s tongue is rubbing the underside of his cock and it feels amazing, even with the layer of latex in between. But Scott also realizes he’s going to come way, way too soon. “I—Ryan—I—”

Sadly, that makes Ryan pull off his cock. He wraps a hand around Scott’s cock and rubs a thumb under the head of his cock, making Scott let out a whine and his toes curl. Jesus, Ryan needs to quit that if he doesn’t want Scott coming in the next few seconds. Damn his sensitive cock.

“You wanna stop?” Ryan asks.

“No! I’m gonna—I’m gonna come too soon.”

Ryan grins at him. “If you think you’re only coming once tonight, I’ve got news for you. This is just to take the edge off for you. Then I’m gonna take my time and we’ll get to that fucking I’ve been promising you.”

Scott stares at him and he can’t find any words to respond to that. Just the idea that he gets to keep feeling this good for longer than a few more minutes is enough to make him almost come.

Then Ryan slides his mouth back over Scott’s cock and sucks hard. Scott’s orgasm creeps up on him and when Ryan gently squeezes and rubs his balls, Scott lets out a shout and he’s coming.

His orgasm seems to last forever and when he comes back to himself, he’s shaking and gasping for breath like he’s run a marathon.

Ryan’s rubbing his stomach and his other hand is propping his head up as he smiles at him. Looking down, Scott notices the condom’s gone but his cock is still hard.

“How you feeling?”

“I’m…good. Really. Really good,” Scott mumbles. Words are getting harder, but at least they’re still coming out of his mouth in the order he wants. Well, more or less.

Ryan grins and leans over him to kiss him. He tastes like latex, which reminds Scott of where his mouth had just been and that sends another surge of heat through him.

“Good. Cause that was just the warmup,” Ryan mumbles against his lips.

Scott laughs against his lips, but then Ryan’s reaching down to bring one of Scott’s knees up and rub his fingers over Scott’s hole and the laugh turns into a moan. “Oh. Oh, I—yes. That. Please.”

Ryan smacks a hard kiss on his lips and pulls back. “Gimme a sec. I gotta get stuff.”

The effect of the orgasm has helped Scott feel more relaxed and he no longer feels so antsy. He doesn’t mind lying there, blinking up at the ceiling while Ryan disappears and there’s the sound of a drawer opening and closing again.

The bed dips and Ryan’s back. He kisses Scott some more before he’s sliding back down and spreading Scott’s knees.

Scott watches him with half-lidded eyes, his heart racing again and he can’t stop smiling.

Ryan coats his fingers with lube, smirks at Scott and finally, those slick fingers are rubbing over his hole, sending bursts of arousal through him. Then Ryan slides a finger into him and it feels even better.

“Oh, fuck,” Scott breathes out, planting his feet on the bed so he can thrust down against Ryan’s finger, getting it in deeper. “Do another. Do—do another.”

A second finger nudges up against the first and there’s a bit of that wonderful stretch when Scott thrusts down against both of Ryan’s fingers. He lets out a groan and throws his head back, his entire body humming with arousal.

“You feeling good, huh?” Ryan asks.

Scott tilts his head down enough to catch Ryan’s smile. Licking his dry lips, Scott returns his smile. He just feels so damn good.

“Yeah,” he breathes out, fucking himself on Ryan’s fingers.

Ryan’s eyes are sparkling and he leans over so he can keep his fingers in Scott’s ass and kiss him at the same time. When Ryan’s tongue is back in his mouth, Scott’s hips lose their rhythm as he concentrates on kissing Ryan, but Ryan takes over, thrusting his fingers into his slick hole. Scott completely loses track of time, his entire world focuses on Ryan kissing him and Ryan’s fingers fucking him.

Eventually, Scott’s arousal starts climbing again and his cock is definitely getting interested again. “I think my cock’s ready to go again,” he mutters against Ryan’s lips.

Ryan’s lips curl into a smile. “Good. You want another finger?”

“Uh huh.”

A third finger joins the other two and Scott needs to stop kissing Ryan because the stretch feels so good and he needs to thrust against Ryan’s fingers so he can get those fingers in deeper. That’s when Ryan curls his fingers and rubs Scott’s prostate, sending sparks through him. “Oh, fuck! Oh, right—right there. Oh, fuck!”

“Nailed it,” Ryan says, laughing against his lips.

Scott gasps out a laugh into Ryan’s mouth. “Funny man. Get—get your dick in me, Harris. Please.”

Ryan chuckles and kisses him hard. “Yes, sir.”

Sadly, that means Ryan’s fingers slip out of him and Scott hates the emptiness. It’s even worse because Ryan has to shift off him completely as he sorts out the condom.

Pulling his knees up to his chest, Scott reaches down and finds his slick hole and easily slips three of his own fingers in, filling himself back up.

“Jesus, Scotty,” Ryan says, his voice strained.

Scott looks at Ryan and sees him breathing hard and his eyes dark with arousal as he stares at Scott’s fingers thrusting into his own hole. Seeing the effect he’s having on Ryan makes Scott grin, feeling a weird sense of pride. “Hurry up and you can replace my fingers with something better.”

Ryan lets out a strangled laugh and Scott watches him roll a condom on and covering his hard cock with lube.

The sight of his cock makes Scott let out a whimper of want and clench down on his own fingers as his mouth waters. The want isn’t nearly as bad as it was before his first orgasm, but God, does he wants that cock.

When Ryan knee-walks back to Scott, he spreads Scott’s knees farther apart and gently tugs Scott’s fingers out of his hole.

Scott’s vibrating with tension and when the thick head of Ryan’s cock pushes at his rim, he lets out a whine. Slowly, Ryan’s cock slides into him, filling him up.

“Oh—” Scott groans out and his hands are frantically digging into the bedsheets until he can grab handfuls of them.

Ryan nudges Scott’s legs around his waist and his cock slides even deeper, making him feel full. Scott can barely breathe, it feels so good.

When Ryan leans over him, planting his forearms on either side of his head, Scott’s nearly bent in half and he can barely move. He’s got Ryan surrounding him, filling him, he can’t really move and he’s starting to float.

“You good, Scotty?”

Scott blinks and stares up at Ryan. He opens his mouth to tell him of course he’s good, but he can’t make the words come out of his mouth.

When Ryan’s smile disappears and he’s frowning down at him, Scott realizes what the problem is. He doesn’t want Ryan to stop and pull out—he might cry if that happens—so he forces his hands to release the bedsheets. Frantically, he holds out his index fingers and thumbs on both hands and wiggles his hands, giving him the sign that he wants to continue.

The movement catches Ryan’s attention and he glances at both of his hands. He still looks a bit worried, so Scott tries to force at least one word past his lips. “P-p-please. P-please,” he whispers.

“You sure?”

He wiggles his hands again, then lifts them up and taps his extended fingers against Ryan’s cheeks.

That makes Ryan chuckle softly. He leans down and kisses Scott, which makes Scott’s hands drop back to the mattress. He parts his lips when Ryan licks at them and he’s happy to let Ryan kiss him. He can’t seem to get his lips and tongue to kiss back properly, but that’s okay.

He’s got Ryan’s tongue in his mouth and Ryan’s cock in his ass and he feel like he’s melting into the mattress.

Then Ryan slowly starts to thrust and everything gets even better.

Scott whimpers and clenches his ass around Ryan’s cock, making Ryan let out a groan against his lips and his thrusts get deeper and harder. That makes Scott let out another sound and he drags his hands around himself, looking for something he can use to brace himself so he can thrust back against Ryan’s cock. His hands find the solid headboard behind him and it’s enough for him to shift his hips a little, meeting Ryan’s thrusts.

“Fuck,” Ryan breathes out against his lips. Ryan pulls back from his lips but keeps his forehead pressed against Scott’s as he fucks him harder.

Scott can barely breathe, his cock is throbbing again and heat builds around them as they’re both sweating. He’s floating and happy and he never wants this to end.

After a while, Ryan slows his thrusts and he sits up, but thankfully keeps his cock deep in Scott’s ass. Sliding his hands up Scott’s thighs, he grips them tight. When he’s happy with the change in position, Ryan fucks him hard, his hips slapping against Scott’s ass as he fills him up on every thrust.

Scott keeps his hands braced against the headboard. It creates the illusion that his hands are bound and with Ryan holding his legs in such a tight grip, he feels like he’s completely under Ryan’s control. The idea that he can’t move and Ryan’s in control makes him whine and shake harder.

“God—you’re incredible, Scotty. You—you should see yourself. So fucking gorgeous,” Ryan gasps out, thrusting into him.

The praise sends another rush of arousal through Scott and he groans in response.

Ryan shifts and releases one of Scott’s legs, gently setting it onto the bed and uses his free hand to grip Scott’s aching cock and jerk him in time with his thrusts. His hand is still covered in lube and makes his cock slick.

Scott cries out and his hands press hard into the headboard.

“I’ve got you, Scotty. You gonna come? Come on. Lemme see you come,” Ryan pants out, stroking his cock and thrusting deep into him.

The combination of hearing Ryan telling him he’ll take care of him and telling him to come sends a shot of heat through him and his orgasm hits him with no warning while Ryan fists him hard. His cum covers his stomach and when he looks down and sees Ryan’s hand covered in white stickiness, it’s so damn hot that his cock keeps twitching, drooling cum all over him.

“Jesus—you did so good. That was so good! You okay?”

Scott’s gasping for breath and all he can do is lie there, staring at Ryan. He’s shaking and he can barely keep his eyes open.

“Scotty, gimme a sign. What’s your sign? You okay?”

Scott manages to get his shaking hands to extend their index fingers and thumb.

“You okay if I come?”

Just the thought of Ryan coming inside him brings a breathy moan out of him. He waves his ‘yes’ signs as enthusiastically as he can.

Ryan grins and clutches both of Scott’s thighs against his sides. Scott can feel how tense Ryan is and he knows he’s desperate to come. He wishes he had the energy to thrust back against Ryan’s thrusts, but all he can do is clench his ass around Ryan’s cock while Ryan fucks him hard.

Within just a few thrusts, Ryan tenses up, throws his head back and Ryan’s coming. Scott really, really wishes that Ryan wasn’t wearing a condom so he could feel his cum inside him, but he shoves those thoughts aside. He doesn’t need Ryan knowing what a cum slut he is. That would be a quick way to guarantee that Ryan won’t ever want to do this again.

Ryan’s thrusts slow and eventually, he releases his grip on Scott’s legs and lets them sprawl out on the bed. Breathing hard, Ryan slowly pulls out of him and the sudden emptiness feels as weird as it always does.

Scott distracts himself by watching Ryan as he strips off the condom, ties it off and tosses it on the bedside table. Then he slowly crawls up Scott’s body and drops down half on top of him. “You okay?” Ryan mumbles, still breathing hard.

Scott tries to swallow but his mouth is too dry. He tries to say ‘yes’, but his words aren’t cooperating yet. Instead, he nods but the truth is that no, he’s not okay. Far from it.

Now that he and Ryan have both come, the magic has disappeared and Scott starts to drop fast, plummeting out of his happy, floating place like he always does. It might be the stupid and weird place, but it’s also the happy place. At least, it is for him.

Just as quickly as he’d floated up, he’s crashing down. He hadn’t been too deep in his stupid place so there’s less distance to fall, but it still feels terrible. All the good feelings quickly seep out of his body, leaving behind only sadness and loneliness, despite Ryan being right here.

Ryan kisses his numb lips and stares at him, looking concerned again. “You went into subspace for a bit.”

“Hmm.” That’s as good as Scott can do right now, battling the cold, dark feelings which he’s sinking into. He’s shivering a bit and his body is tensing up, feeling cold despite still sweating. Great. The fact that he always gets cold when he’s falling makes everything so much worse.

Abruptly, Ryan’s sitting up and dragging the blanket up over them. He wraps his arms around Scott as they snuggle underneath the warm blanket and Ryan pulls him against his chest and kisses his forehead. “I think you’re dropping a bit, huh? We’ll stay here for a while and then I’ll get us some water, okay?”

The soft blanket and Ryan’s warm body wrapped around him help push away some of the cold feelings and Scott buries his nose into Ryan’s neck, pressing his hands against Ryan’s warm chest and nuzzling his sweat slicked skin as he inhales his scent, trying to soak up Ryan’s comfort to replace the dark, sad feelings spreading through him.

“You need anything else, Scotty? You gotta tell me.”

He knows exactly what he needs. He needs water, but that won’t help banish the dark feelings for good. Ryan’s comfort is helping somewhat, but the only thing that helps push those feelings away completely is having something filling him up again. He needs something in his ass and something in his mouth and then he’ll feel safe and loved again. Unfortunately, they don’t have hand signals for any of that and the words won’t come out of his mouth yet. And his precious plug is far away, sitting in his cold, empty bedroom and unable to help him.

Ryan shakes him a bit and he’s tilting Scott’s chin up and staring at him. Ryan kisses him softly, but he looks worried. “You gotta tell me what you need.”

Ryan’s fingers are on his chin, so that’s very close to his mouth. Scott smiles at having found a solution to at least one of his problems. Nudging Ryan’s fingers, he wraps his lips around two of Ryan’s fingers and sucks on them. Thankfully, they aren’t the lube covered fingers and they just taste like Ryan.

The feel of those fingers in his mouth settles something inside of him. He’s got something in his mouth, so he’s not scared and alone anymore. It’s not perfect—his ass is empty and nobody wants to fill it anymore—but he concentrates on those wonderful fingers in his mouth. Letting out a little groan and closing his eyes, he presses himself closer to Ryan.

Ryan lets out a chuckle that Scott feels vibrate through his body. “You want another one? I got four you can have. Beyond that and I don’t think it’ll be comfortable.”

Scott’s eyes fly open and eagerness rushes through him. More things filling his mouth means he’s loved more. He opens his mouth and feels Ryan nudging four of his fingers into his mouth, holding them together in a thick bundle.

Oh, that feels so much better. Scott lets out a happy groan as he sucks on Ryan’s fingers and closes his eyes again, settling into the warmth and love around him as the cold, dark feelings fade away.

* * *

As Scott falls asleep in his arms, sucking on his fingers, Ryan already knows two things: he fucked up and he’s also completely screwed.

He’d noticed when Scott had started going under and he’d promised Scott that he’d stop if he started going into subspace. But as usual, seeing a sub go into subspace had kicked his brain into domspace in seconds. His own arousal had shot through the roof, adrenaline had surged through him and he was flooded with an intense need to protect the sub he was with. His main priority had shifted to focusing on making the scene go well and all thoughts of stopping had flown out the window.

And that kind of conduct is not okay and way too close to crossing the line.

Thankfully, things had stayed on track and Scott had seemed happy throughout the scene. What Scott will be like when he wakes up is another issue and Ryan will apologize as soon as Scott’s back to himself.

That brings Ryan to the other problem: the fact that he’s definitely screwed.

It doesn’t matter that he’s had friends with benefits before who he hadn’t developed deeper feelings for. It doesn’t matter that he normally only starts to develop deep feelings for a sub when they’re doing intense scenes.

It seems that none of those usual rules apply to Scotty Jenkins, because the emotions that Scott is already bringing out of him are intense.

When Scott had been confused during their discussions before they’d come into the bedroom and Ryan had realized that none of those assholes he’d been with had ever asked him what he wanted or needed, it had filled Ryan with rage and a desire to tear every single one of them to pieces.

When Scott had been nervous after they’d first come into the bedroom, Ryan’s heart had clenched with empathy and a deep desire to make him comfortable and happy. Nothing was more important than that.

When they’d been having sex, Ryan had paid careful attention to every sound and every movement Scott had made, filled with a desperate need to take care of him and make him feel good.

When Scott had started sucking on his fingers—something Ryan’s never seen a sub do before—Ryan hadn’t hesitated before offering more of his fingers, because whatever Scott wants and needs, that’s what Ryan wants and needs to give him.

Ryan stares down at Scott, who’s sleeping calmly as he lies on his chest with Ryan’s fingers in his mouth, looking more content than Ryan’s ever seen him. At that moment, Ryan knows he wants to spend the rest of his life doing everything he can to make Scott keep feeling like this.

That’s when he knows it’s already too late to back out of this. Somehow, his heart has gotten stuck on Scott a long time ago and Ryan’s never noticed. And now, his heart’s finally getting what it—apparently—has been wanting for years.

And that’s when Ryan has to come to the startling realization that he’s head over heels in love with Scott, after having convinced Scott that he’s very good at having casual sexual relationships with friends.

Great.


	6. Chapter 6

Eventually, Scott comes out of his doze. He’s warm and comfortable, so that’s good. What’s not good is that Scott’s cuddling up against Ryan like he’s a stupid burr and he definitely has Ryan’s fingers in his mouth.

Oh, not this bullshit again! Damn it, Jenkins!

Being curled up against Ryan is bad enough, but the fact that he’d been sucking on Ryan’s fingers sends a rush of embarrassment through him. Pulling his mouth off Ryan’s fingers, Scott shifts back a bit, wanting to give the poor man some room. He’s been clinging to him like a burr and sucking on his fingers. Jesus.

Why is he incapable of not acting like a stupid slut?! Ryan’s given him something amazing and Scott’s shitting all over it because he can’t help being a disgusting freak. No wonder everybody always leaves him!

He nearly bursts into tears at the realization that Ryan will now kick him out of bed, throw him out of his apartment and he’ll never want to have anything to do with Scott ever again. He’ll never get to feel as amazing as he did while they were having sex, but he’ll also lose Ryan’s friendship and partnership all because he’s a stupid whore!

“You awake, Scotty?”

“Yeah,” he mumbles.

“You back with me?”

“You mean, did I finally realize I was sucking on your fingers, then yeah. Jesus fuck. I’m sorry. That’s so fucking embarrassing.” Untangling himself from Ryan, Scott slowly sits up, shaking and clenching his jaw so he doesn’t burst into tears.

Ryan stays lying down and stares up at him, frowning a bit. “There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m the one who fucked up so I need to apologize.”

Scott stares down at him and Ryan’s strange statement is enough to push some of his self-hatred and anxiety aside. “You? You gave me amazing orgasms, just like you’d promised. I feel relaxed and that was the whole point of this. I’m the one who went into my dumb place and made an idiot out of myself.”

“Hey.” Ryan sits up and frowns. “It’s not a dumb place. You went into subspace and neither of us thought that would happen. I should have stopped when I noticed you were slipping away, but things seemed to be going well and I kept going. That was wrong and it was my fault. I’m really sorry I did that.”

Scott rolls his eyes. What an idiot. “It was amazing and you don’t have anything to apologize for. Nothing happened that I didn’t wanna have happen.”

“When you’re in subspace, it’s not your responsibility to make decisions for yourself. It’s mine. We committed to certain parameters and it was my job to enforce those parameters and I didn’t do that. That’s not okay and I’m sorry I did that.”

Scott sighs. He isn’t really paying attention to whatever Ryan’s rambling about. Clearly, Ryan’s just making up some bullshit in an effort to make Scott feel better about being a freak. He’s just trying to be polite because he’s probably afraid Scott will make a scene when he kicks him out. “I need some water.” He crawls out of bed and pads out of the bedroom and into the kitchen.

He can hear the echo of voices in his head and a stinging slap across his face.

_What the fuck are you doing?! Get your mouth off my damn fingers, you stupid slut!_

He downs two glasses of water, then fills another glass and brings it to Ryan.

Ryan takes the glass from him and drains it. “Thanks,” he mutters, handing the glass back.

“Need more?”

“Yes, please.”

Scott gets him another glass of water. While Ryan’s drinking, Scott sits on the edge of the bed. He’s still embarrassed, but more than that, he’s sad and disappointed in himself. He’d felt so damn good with Ryan, but he hadn’t been able to control himself and now he’d freaked Ryan out or made him think he’d screwed up and it all turned to shit and Ryan won’t want to do this again.

It seems he can’t have sex with normal people anymore. And the other kind of people are ones who treat him like shit. So once again, he’s staring the prospect of being alone back in the face, only this time it’s so much worse because now he has to live with the knowledge that he’s too weird even for Ryan to want to deal with. And if Ryan doesn’t want to deal with his weird sex problems when he seems to tolerate Scott’s other weird quirks that other people don’t like, then what chance does Scott have of ever finding somebody who will give him a chance?

That dark, nasty voice in his head taunts him, demanding to know why Scott’s surprised by any of this. He’s a weird freak who sucks on people’s fingers and loses the ability to talk during sex. Is it any wonder that Ryan’s gonna throw him out? He’s a stupid slut who nobody’s ever wanted and nobody will ever want. It’s been that way since his parents died and it’ll always be that way. Why can’t he just accept the truth instead of staying in denial?

Well, the answer to that is because he’s a pathetic, stupid whore. Obviously. Sadly, it doesn’t matter how true it is and it doesn’t matter how many times those assholes have tried drilling that into Scott’s head, he still has trouble remember it from time to time, which cements the ‘stupid’ part of the description.

The bed shifts and Ryan’s lying down next to him, staring up at him. “What’s going on?”

Scott shrugs, close to tears again. “I’m fine. I’m just—I had a real great time.”

Ryan frowns. He reaches out as if to touch Scott, but his hand hesitates and drops on the bed.

Great. Ryan doesn’t even wanna touch him now. That’s what he gets for being a disgusting slut. The voice in his head is laughing at him.

“I’d really like to know what’s wrong,” Ryan says quietly. “I know I screwed up and I’m so fucking sorry about that. I completely understand if you don’t wanna do this again, but I can help—”

That makes Scott frown. “Me? I’d literally give anything to do this again, but I know I weirded you out and—”

Ryan frowns up at him. “You didn’t weird me out.”

Scott scoffs in disbelief. “You don’t even wanna touch me.”

“I only hesitated cause I don’t know where your head’s at right now. I’d love to touch you but I don’t wanna get things wrong again.”

Scott stares down at him, feeling a little bit of hope. “You really wanna touch me?”

“Of course I do!”

“Even if I’m weird?”

Ryan frowns. “You’re not weird. Everybody reacts differently to sex and people like different things. As long as everybody involved is fine with those things, then there’s no problem.”

“You’re fine with the stupid—” The words get stuck in his throat and shame rushes through him again, but he’s feeling a bit of hope at how this conversation is going so he pushes on. “—the stupid finger sucking thing?”

Ryan smiles. “Of course I am. If you needed me to do fifty push-ups right after sex, then we’d have to negotiate, but sucking on my fingers? That’s fine.”

Scott manages a small smile. “You doing push-ups would take your fingers farther away, so that wouldn’t work. And I liked the cuddling. You’re kinda essential for that too.”

Ryan chuckles. “I like cuddling too.” Then Ryan reaches out his hand and gently runs his fingers up and down Scott’s arm. “Can I cuddle you now?”

Struggling to keep his smile from getting too ridiculously big, Scott nods.

Rolling himself into a sitting position, Ryan carefully slides up behind Scott and wraps his arms around him, holding him tight and resting his chin on his shoulder.

Scott leans back against his solid warmth and gently kicks Ryan’s feet with his own while that cruel, nasty voice fades away.

Ryan kicks his feet back and kisses his neck. “Can we talk about what happened?”

And that’s when Scott’s embarrassment comes back and he tenses again.

Ryan must sense it because he kisses his neck again. “Hey, hey, hey. It’s okay,” he mumbles against Scott’s skin. “We don’t have to talk about it now, but we need to get some things figured out before next time.”

Scott freezes. “Next time?”

“If you want there to be a next time.”

If he… “Harris, I definitely want there to be a next time and as many other times as possible.”

Ryan chuckles and the sound vibrates through Scott. “That’s what I want too. So we can do some repeats?”

Scott snorts. “We can have repeats until you get tired of me.”

Ryan tightens his grip around him. “That’s never gonna happen. I love—I love being around you any way you’ll let me.”

Scott rubs Ryan’s arms and smiles at the glow of happiness those words light up in his chest. “Then we’re a pretty damn good fit cause I love being around you too.”

Ryan nuzzles his neck and kisses him behind his ear. “Good.”

“So we can keep having sex?”

“Absolutely.”

Scott smiles. Yay! “And if I try sucking on your fingers again, just gimme a hard slap across the face. That usually stops the weirdness.”

Ryan tenses and Scott’s smile disappears, knowing he’d said the wrong thing. Given Ryan’s history, that statement is one of the dumbest things Scott could have said. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

Ryan kisses Scott’s neck softly. “Don’t apologize, I’m not upset with you. Is that how those assholes reacted?”

Scott shrugs. “Sometimes. Other times, they’d just throw me out when we were done, so I’d sit in the hallway and suck on my own fingers until my brain started working again. So that’s another option you have.”

Ryan squeezes him hard. “That’s never gonna happen. You hear me? If we ever do anything where you go into subspace again, I’m gonna take care of you properly. So no slapping and no throwing you out. Ever.”

Those words make Scott want to cry and he grips Ryan’s arms tighter, leaning back against him and tilting his head against Ryan’s. He can’t remember ever feeling this comfortable with somebody while naked. The only time he’s around other people naked is when he’s having sex with them. Afterwards, it’s time to get clothes on or for Scott to be thrown out of the apartment with his clothes flying after him.

“So, Scotty?”

“Hmm?”

“We should eat dinner before we go to bed.”

At the thought of food, Scott realizes how hungry he is. Whether or not he’ll be able to eat is the question, but he’s definitely hungry.

Ryan’s rubbing his nose through Scott’s hair. “You okay with chicken?”

Scott grins. “Yeah.”

“Good. We gotta get some weight back on you.”

Scoffing, Scott kicks Ryan’s feet. Ryan’s being ridiculous. “I haven’t lost that much weight.”

“Your cheeks look hollow and your ribs are sticking out. I don’t like it and it makes my heart hurt, so we’re gonna fix it,” Ryan declares, smacking a kiss onto his cheek. “Come on, let’s gets some clothes on and head into the kitchen.”

* * *

While cooking dinner with Ryan, Scott prepares to battle his anxiety over being able to eat it. He has no idea what he’ll do if that stupid voice flares up in his head again when it’s time to eat and tries convincing him that he doesn’t deserve to eat what’s on his plate. If he refuses to eat, Ryan might get offended or annoyed, but Scott might not be able to force himself to eat.

But when they’re sitting down to eat, Ryan hands Scott a fork and knife and says “Good appetite” and that clicks something in Scott’s brain. Ryan’s telling him to eat. Well, not technically, but it’s clear that Ryan wants Scott to eat.

Staring down at the plate of delicious food, Scott thinks it over. Even though he doesn’t deserve to eat this food—because he’s a worthless waste of space—Ryan clearly wants him to eat. Ryan’s not happy that Scott’s lost weight. Which must mean Ryan thinks Scott deserves to eat. Whether Scott agrees with that or not is irrelevant right now.

Ryan’s taken care of him so well today and it’s a relief that Ryan’s continuing to do that. Taking care of himself is an exhausting chore that Scott’s terrible at…but Ryan seems to be enjoying it so far. And making Ryan happy is very important to Scott.

All of this is adding up to one conclusion: Scott gets to eat dinner.

Smiling, Scott picks up his utensils and digs in, savoring the first full meal he’s eaten in weeks. The best part is that Ryan keeps watching him eat and he has a satisfied smile on his face, which keeps the stupid voice silent in Scott’s head and gives him the confidence to keep eating.

By the time they’re done eating and the dishes are done, Scott’s back to feeling happy and relaxed, and best of all—he’s actually full.

But as he’s loading his dishes into the dishwasher, another realization hits him and it’s one that makes those happy feelings fade away. Now that they’re done having sex and eating, it’s time for Scott to get into his cold car and drive home to his horrible apartment with nothing but sadness and anxiety for company. Yes, he’ll have his plug…but he really doesn’t want to leave Ryan’s apartment.

But he also has no right to ask Ryan if he can stay here. He doesn’t deserve to spend even more time with Ryan in his wonderful apartment. But there’s also a logistical problem. He can’t share a bed with Ryan. He has an unfortunate tendency to cling to whatever warm body is nearby when he’s sleepy and he’s already created enough stress for Ryan. The guy might have enjoyed the sex and he was polite about the finger sucking and Scott’s impression of a burr afterwards, but Scott doesn’t want to push him and he resigns himself to driving home. If he stays here and pushes things, Ryan will get tired of him sooner and this will all end.

Unfortunately, his internal battle must be showing on his face because Ryan frowns at him, looking worried as he puts his own plate into the dishwasher. “What’s with that look?”

“Nothing.”

Ryan gently hip-checks him. “This isn’t gonna work if you don’t talk to me. What’s wrong?”

“I’m…not excited about driving home.” It’s not the drive that will be the worst part, but Scott can’t put the rest of his upcoming misery into words. “But I know I have to. I just have to stop being grumpy.”

“Or you can just spend the night here.”

Scott first reaction is to grab the offer and cling to it with all his strength. He would do anything to be allowed to stay…but sharing a bed with Ryan will lead to problems and that’ll lead to everything falling apart. “I don’t—I’m not—”

“It’s fine if you don’t wanna stay. Do you want me to drive you? I’ll pick you up for work tomorrow.”

“No, I—I wanna—I—I—” Fuck! As usual, his words disappear when he feels awkward.

Ryan comes closer to him and frowns. “You wanna stay here?”

Thank God that Ryan can understand him even when Scott’s words have run away. “Yeah. Yeah, but…is it okay if I sleep on the couch?”

Ryan blinks. “Well…sure. If you want to. But the bed’s more comfortable.”

Scott shifts. “I…”

Then Ryan smiles. “I’ll sleep in the other bedroom, don’t worry.”

Scott frowns at him, bewildered as all of his other thoughts grind to a halt. “The other….you don’t have another bedroom, Harris. How the fuck do you not know what your own apartment looks like?”

Ryan chuckles. “I know exactly what my apartment looks like.”

“You don’t have a second bedroom!”

“Yeah, I do.”

Scott stares around, all thought of sleeping arrangements having flown out of his mind by Ryan’s ridiculous comment.

There’s the front door, the open door of the bathroom next to the open bedroom, and they’re standing in the combined kitchen and living room. There’s a little door opposite of the bedroom that leads out to the balcony. The rest of the walls are covered in various pieces of nature art and plastic plants that Ryan adores for some reason, but there aren’t any other doors. “Are you drunk?”

“Nope.”

Scott scoffs. “Okay, fine, smartass. Show me where this mysterious second bedroom is.” He’s been coming to Ryan’s apartment for years and there aren’t any other rooms.

“Close your eyes and plug your ears.”

“What?!”

“I keep the key hidden but I don’t want you knowing where I hide it. Close your eyes and plug your ears.”

This is so stupid. “I can’t believe you’re stretching this bullshit out.”

Ryan laughs. “You’re gonna feel pretty silly in about thirty seconds. Come on, close your eyes and plug your ears. And please don’t try to cheat. It’s really important to me that nobody knows where I keep the key.”

Sighing, Scott turns to face the fridge, squeezes his eyes closed and plugs his ears. He waits patiently until there’s a tap on his shoulder.

Turning around, he opens his eyes, lowers his hands and sees Ryan grinning at him. Scott’s about to start making fun of him for thinking he could trick Scott like this…

…except he can see that a new doorway has appeared on the wall.

A few feet away from the open bathroom door…there’s a new door. It’s halfway open and Scott can see a picture of a waterfall hanging on the door, and there are plastic vines lining the doorframe, which had previously hidden the edges of the door from view. Ryan’s ridiculous love of these fake plants suddenly makes sense.

Scott gapes at him. “You hid a room in plain sight?!”

Ryan grins. “Yup.”

“The stupid plants!”

“Are a cover. So’s the art. I don’t really like either of them, but with enough clutter on the walls, nobody’s ever looked too closely at the walls themselves. You definitely didn’t notice and we’re paid to notice things.”

“I can’t believe this! I never saw a door knob there!”

“It’s there. I stick one of the fake flowers over it and it blends in.”

Scott stares at him. “What the hell are you hiding in that bedroom?!” This is freaking him out.

Ryan laughs. “Don’t worry, it’s nothing bad. I’m not cooking drugs or hiding bodies in there. It’s just a private room and I don’t like people going in there unless they’re in there for the right reasons.”

Right reasons? “What the fuck does that mean?!”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Can I see what’s in there?”

“No. Not tonight.” Ryan looks anxious. “Scotty, I know you could sneak in while I’m sleeping to peek… but please don’t. I’ll show you what’s in there if the time is right, but it’s very important to me that people only see what’s in there when I’m in the right mood.”

Seeing Ryan so vulnerable makes Scott’s heart twist and that’s enough to push his curiosity aside. “I won’t go snooping, I promise. I’m not going in there until you say it’s okay for me to go in there. And if you never wanna show me, that’s fine too.”

Ryan gives him a grateful smile. “Thank you.”

* * *

Getting back into Ryan’s bed when it’s time for him to go to sleep is wonderful. He’d borrowed some of Ryan’s clothes to sleep in and combined with being in Ryan’s bed, he’s surrounded by Ryan’s scent.

Rolling onto his stomach, he shoves his face into the pillow and breathes in deeply. Having Ryan’s scent all around him and wearing Ryan’s clothes makes Scott feel really good and it’s no mystery why. Ryan gave him his clothes and his bed to sleep in, which allows Scott to believe that Ryan really does care about him. In reality, Ryan’s probably just being polite, but still. Nobody’s given Scott anything out of the goodness of their own hearts in a very long time, and he can’t stop smiling.

The fact that he’s sleeping in Ryan’s wonderful apartment is another bonus. Oh, if only he could stay here all the time! Living in Ryan’s apartment, wearing Ryan’s clothes and sleeping in Ryan’s bed. Being taken care of like this feels so good and he curls his arms around the pillow, rubbing his face over it to absorb more of Ryan’s scent.

Being in the same bed that they’d had sex in just a few hours ago makes it extra special. He remembers how amazing it had felt to have Ryan holding his legs and smiling down at him, his cock filling him up as he’d praised Scott. He can’t remember if he’d ever felt that happy and safe while having sex.

The joy he feels continues radiating through him and to his surprise, he manages to fall asleep relatively quickly.

* * *

Unfortunately, that joy doesn’t last. He has a terrible dream in which Ryan comes into the bedroom and tells him to get out and tears his clothes off Scott and shoves him out into the cold parking lot. Obviously, Ryan wouldn’t do that, but the nightmare makes Scott look at things more realistically.

Ryan is obviously only allowing him to spend the night because he’s polite. He gave Scott clothes to borrow because he has good manners. Sure, he might have enjoyed having sex with Scott, but no matter what he’d said afterwards, Scott knows Ryan won’t want to do it again.

Why would he? Ryan’s amazing and deserves a lot better than Scott. He should be having sex with happy, confident people who aren’t stupid, needy whores who do weird things during and after sex. No matter what Ryan said, he can’t have meant those words. He was only being polite. Because of that, they’ll probably never have sex again. In fact, Ryan will probably find excuses for why he doesn’t want Scott coming to his apartment anymore either.

That makes a lump grow in Scott’s throat and he buries his face in Ryan’s pillow, breathing in his scent and desperately trying to store it up. That familiar dark sadness is closing in around him and Scott finds himself clenching his ass, hating how empty and alone he feels. His first thought is to go get his friend, the plug…

…but his friend is currently sitting in his bedroom, far away from Scott.

Clenching his jaw, Scott lets out a sad whine, wanting to cry. There’s no way he’ll be able to fall asleep now, even surrounded by Ryan’s scent and wearing Ryan’s clothes. Those things are all temporary and he’ll probably never get to have these things back once morning comes.

It also occurs to him that things will be a million times worse now. He’ll always have the memory of how wonderful it had been with Ryan, and never getting to have that again because he’s a pathetic slut will make it even harder to battle the darkness in his head.

He tosses and turns for ages, clenching his ass around nothing, his hands shaking from the whirlwind of cruel thoughts in his head.

Eventually, he gets tired of that and decides to wander out into the living room to watch some TV. Hopefully, watching endless infomercials will make him fall asleep on the couch and he’ll get a few more hours of sleep before it’s time to go to work.

Wandering out into the dark living room, he checks that the door to Ryan’s other bedroom is closed and turns on the television, putting it on mute. Sitting on the couch—the wonderful couch that he’ll probably never get to sit on again—he stares numbly at the television, missing his plug friend very badly.

He’s so focused on how empty and unloved he feels and pushing back the strong urge to cry that he nearly has a heart attack when he hears Ryan’s voice from behind him.

“Scotty? You okay?”

Jerking his head around, Scott stares at Ryan with wide eyes. He hadn’t expected Ryan to catch him out here and it takes him several seconds to make the frown of misery fade from his face so Ryan won’t know what’s going on. Scott doesn’t want him knowing he’s even more pathetic than he already thinks he is. “I’m—I’m fine. Couldn’t sleep,” he mumbles.

He’s hoping Ryan will go back into his bedroom, but he must not be doing a good job to hide the waves of sadness that are still rolling over him because Ryan comes around the couch and kneels in front of him, staring up at him with a worried frown.

“You don’t look fine,” Ryan says softly.

Scott sighs and tries to paste a reassuring smile on his face. It feels weak, which must mean it’s a terrible smile, but he’s trying. “I just couldn’t sleep.”

Ryan still looks worried. “You look like you’re dealing with a lot more than just insomnia. What’s going on?”

“It’s nothing, don’t worry about it.”

“Of course I’m gonna worry about it. Was it the sex? I’m really sorry for what I did and I understand if you don’t want to—”

Scott shakes his head. “No, that was great. That’s not why my head’s in a bad place.”

Ryan lifts his hands as if he wants to touch Scott, but he hesitates. But before the cruel voice in his head can tell Scott that he’s hesitating because he doesn’t want to touch Scott, Ryan pushes aside those worries. “Can I touch you? Just my hands on your knees? It’s okay if you don’t want me to, but I really—”

Scott’s nodding frantically and barely restrains himself from climbing into Ryan’s lap. God, he wants Ryan to hold him like he did earlier. He wants that so badly, but he has no right to ask for that. “Yes. Please.”

Immediately, Ryan puts his hands on Scott’s knees, gripping them tight and staring at him. His eyes are wide and he looks like he’s struggling with a lot of thoughts in his head too. “Scotty…please tell me what’s wrong.”

Staring at the television, Scott is hyper-focused on Ryan’s warm hands on his knees. He wants to crawl into Ryan’s lap so badly, but that would be rude and Scott doesn’t deserve that anyway. “It’s not important.”

“You not feeling good is always important.”

Scott doesn’t reply. He hates that he’s worrying Ryan, but what’s he supposed to say? He’ll die of humiliation if he admits that he’s feeling alone and sad because he doesn’t have his sex toy. He’s not a five year old child who left his teddy bear at home. He’s being ridiculous and he doesn’t want Ryan thinking he’s even more pitiful than he already does.

Ryan sighs softly and rubs his thumbs over Scott’s borrowed pants. “You know, I’ve been really scared for the last few weeks.”

That admission startles Scott and he jerks his eyes off the television to stare down at Ryan. “Why? What happened?”

Ryan’s looking at him, his eyes sad. “I’ve been scared because my best friend has been struggling a lot and I don’t know how to help him. I really want to, but I don’t know how to help him and he won’t let me. That’s been tough.”

Scott clenches his jaw, hating that he’s been worrying Ryan. “I’m fine. Us having sex was great.” He tries to follow that up with a smile, but it’s very shaky.

Ryan doesn’t smile back. “Yeah, the sex was great. But obviously, that didn’t really help you.”

Fear rushes through Scott and he nearly bursts into tears. It seems he was right. Ryan really doesn’t want to have sex with him again. He’ll never get to—

“I’m not saying I don’t want to have sex with you again. I told you that I really enjoyed myself and that was the truth. And I think you enjoyed yourself too. We can absolutely continue having sex and I think that did help you a little. But something happened afterwards and now you’re not feeling good again and I wanna help you.”

Sighing, Scott clenches his jaw. “It’s really not important.”

Ryan’s quiet for a while, staring at Scott. But Scott can’t force himself to tell Ryan what’s really bothering him, so he just stares back at Ryan. He feels guilty over worrying Ryan, but he’s stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Finally, Ryan sighs softly and squeezes Scott’s knees. “You wanna know why I was scared over the last few weeks?”

Scott nods, his heart aching at the thought of Ryan being upset over something. If it’s related to something Scott did, then Scott will stop doing it. Immediately. It doesn’t matter how he’ll do that, but he’ll figure out a way.

“Every morning when I got to work before you, I’d sit there and wait for you to come in. I’d get scared that you wouldn’t show up and I’d start thinking about what I’d do if you didn’t come in. I’ll call you and you won’t pick up. Eventually, I’ll walk into Cap’s office and ask him if you’d called in sick. He’ll say no. An hour would go by, maybe two. I’ll get even more worried and keep calling you but you won’t pick up the phone.” Ryan draws in a shaky breath, gripping Scott’s knees. “Then I’ll grab my keys and go over to your apartment, I’ll go in and I’ll find you. But I’ll be too late. You’ll have decided that you can’t keep living with this pain and you’ll have decided the best course of action was to end things.”

Scott stares at him, his hands shaking with the need to hug Ryan and reassure him that he’s okay. He’s still here.

But then Scott realizes that Ryan’s fears aren’t far off the mark. If he opens his mouth to reassure Ryan, he’ll be forced to make Ryan a promise that he might not be able to keep. Scott can’t do that to him.

Ryan stares at him imploringly, looking close to tears. “Do you understand that losing you like that would kill me? You’re one of the two most important people in my life and losing you would destroy me. Especially like that. Please don’t do that to me. I wanna help you and I know we can figure out a way to make you feel better, but I can’t help you come up with a plan if I don’t know what’s going on.”

Drawing in a shaky breath, Scott tries to summon the courage to tell Ryan what’s currently bothering him, but he feels even sillier now than he did before Ryan’s confession. This whole situation has become very serious, and Scott’s problem is so stupid.

“Scotty…I respect your desire to deal with things on your own. But you need help, you know you do. I want to help you and I’m begging you—please, let me help you.”

Closing his eyes, Scott goes back and forth in his head about it one more time. He’ll die of humiliation if he tells Ryan. But if he stays silent, he’ll be hurting Ryan and that’s not acceptable. Being laughed at and embarrassed is preferable. Anything is preferable to hurting Ryan. “It’s really silly.”

“No, it’s not. Not if it’s making you feel like crap. I won’t think it’s silly. I won’t laugh, I won’t shame you and I won’t think you’re weird. I promise.”

Scott’s hands are shaking and anxiety is prickling through him.

“Scotty, please.”

That plaintive, miserable sounding ‘please’ finally breaks Scott. “I…I miss my plug,” Scott manages to whisper through numb lips.

There’s a beat of silence from Ryan and Scott prepares himself for the laughter or the anger.

“Your…you need a plug? A butt plug?”

Flushing with shame, Scott keeps his eyes closed. God, he’s such a disgusting freak. “Yes. I got it a few days ago and it helps me sleep.”

“But it’s at home?”

“Yes.”

Ryan’s hands squeeze his knees. “Okay. Do you wanna have one of mine?”

Freezing, Scott’s eyes fly open and he stares at Ryan. That wasn’t the response he’d been expecting. At all. “What?”

To Scott’s continued surprise, Ryan looks completely serious as he stares at him. “I have about a dozen of them. Do you wanna pick one? They’re all different sizes and shapes, so hopefully I have one that’s similar to your plug at home.”

“You’re seriously offering me a butt plug?”

Ryan nods. “Yes.”

Scott waits for him to burst out laughing, call Scott a freak and throw him out of the apartment…but Ryan still looks serious. He’s not even trying to hold back a smile or smirk.

They stare at each other and Scott keeps waiting for Ryan to break, but he doesn’t. “Are you serious?” Scott breathes out.

“Yes. Absolutely.” Ryan takes his hands off Scott’s knees and stands up, hurrying toward the mystery bedroom. “I’ll go get them, hang on.”

As Scott sits there in stunned silence, Ryan disappears. He’s back a few seconds later, his arms full of butt plugs. He quickly arranges them on the coffee table, as if he’s laying out ties for Scott to borrow for a court day.

It’s two o’clock in the morning, Scott’s sitting on the couch and Ryan’s arranging butt plugs on his coffee table because Scott needs a plug shoved up his ass so he can sleep. The whole thing is ridiculous and embarrassing, but it also warms Scott’s heart that Ryan’s being so kind. Scott doesn’t deserve it, but he’s selfish enough that he’ll soak up Ryan’s kindness whenever he gets within grabbing distance of it.

“They’re all clean and you can have as many as you want,” Ryan says, kneeling down by Scott’s feet again.

Scott stares at the array of plugs on the table. They’re all different sizes, colors and shapes. One even has a cord and a remote attached to it. “Why do you have so many of them?”

Ryan shrugs. “I don’t use them, but a lot of subs like them. Besides, a wise man once said that you can never have too many butt plugs.”

That makes Scott laugh. “Harris, I think a horny man said that, not a wise man. You’re confused.”

And just like that, he feels comfortable again. Despite how bizarre this situation is, Ryan’s not treating it like it’s bizarre and that’s making Scott relax. He keeps his attention on the plugs so his stupid anxiety can’t well up in his head and remind him how disgusting and ridiculous he’s being.

Ryan shrugs and chuckles. “Whatever. Do you see one that you think you’ll like?”

Scott immediately points at a plug that looks similar to his friend at home.

Snatching it up, Ryan hands it to him. “There you go. That’s yours. You want any other ones? You can have as many as you want.”

Scott chuckles. “I only have one ass, so one’s good.”

“You can have one for every day of the week, if you want,” Ryan says, grinning at him.

That makes Scott laugh again. “I’ll consider it.”

“Good.”

Wrapping his hand around the familiar shape of the plug, Scott realizes he’ll soon have the plug inside of him…but it’ll be even better than it usually is because this is Ryan’s plug. Ryan’s letting him borrow this plug because he’s amazing and he cares about Scott for some inexplicable reason.

Smiling, Scott stares down at the plug and his hole twitches from anticipation. He’s also getting a little turned on. The idea of filling himself up with Ryan’s plug while in Ryan’s bed and wearing Ryan’s shirt is really, really hot.

“Thank you,” Scott whispers and he manages to tear his eyes off the plug in his hand to Ryan.

Ryan’s smile mirrors his and he looks happy. “You’re welcome.” But then Ryan raises his eyebrows. “But please make me a promise.”

Feeling wary, Scott’s smile disappears. “What?”

“If you still can’t sleep or your head’s still in a bad place, please let me help. I don’t want you suffering on your own and I know we can figure things out if we work together.”

Scott sighs. “It’s pointless to make you suffer too.”

“Knowing—or even thinking—that you’re having a hard time makes me suffer. So if you’re trying to avoid making me suffer, you can do that by telling me when you’re not doing well.”

That…makes sense. Unfortunately. Sighing, Scott tightens his grip on the plug. “Okay.”

“Promise?”

Smiling, Scott rolls his eyes. “Yes, I promise.”

That makes Ryan’s smile returns and he stands up. “Okay.”

Standing up too, Scott heads towards the bedroom, the plug in his hand. Ryan follows him as far as the door frame and Scott’s on the verge of asking Ryan if he wants to stay and share the bed with him. But he dismissed the thought as soon as it comes. He’ll probably be acting ridiculous once he’s put the plug in and he doesn’t want Ryan seeing that. Plus, he doesn’t deserve having Ryan spend the night with him. Getting to sleep in Ryan’s bed, wearing Ryan’s plug and his clothes is already giving Scott way more than he deserves. Sitting on the edge of the bed, Scott gives Ryan a smile. “I’ll be fine.”

“And if you’re not…”

“Then I’ll ask for help. I promise.”

That makes Ryan smile and he grabs the door. “Thank you. Good night.”

“Night.”

Once Ryan shuts the door behind him, Scott eagerly shoves off his pants and gropes in the bedside table drawer for the lube. Oh, he can’t wait!

A few minutes later, he’s lying on his stomach, his face pressed into the pillow that smells like Ryan and he’s pulled up one of his knees as he carefully slides Ryan’s plug into his ass. Knowing that it’s Ryan’s plug makes his cock stiffen, but he ignores it. This isn’t about sex.

Once the plug is in and he’s full, relief floods through him and Scott lets out a long groan as his eyes drift shut and he clenched down on the plug. He’s in Ryan’s bed—the same bed Ryan had fucked him in a few hours ago—and he’s wearing Ryan’s shirt and he’s got Ryan’s plug inside of him, filling him up. He’s surrounded by Ryan’s scent and Ryan’s stuff and all of that is slowly making Scott float. He hasn’t felt this loved in years.

He doesn’t even have time to put his pants back on or pull the blanket up to cover himself before he’s slipping into sleep.

* * *

Ryan’s shaking when he closes the door of the other bedroom and slides to the floor, clenching his jaw as adrenaline rushes through him.

Right now, Scott’s lying on Ryan’s bed, sliding Ryan’s plug into himself and that’s rapidly pushing Ryan into domspace. He’s ridiculously turned on and he’s shaking with the desire to go back into his bedroom and wrap himself around Scott and never let go. It had taken all of his willpower to stay in the doorway and not give Scott any sign that he desperately wanted to beg him for permission to put the plug into Scott and spend the night holding him, making sure his plug stayed in Scott’s ass and that Scott sleeps well.

He can picture it so clearly in his head: Scott taking off his—Ryan’s—pants and lying on the bed, his knees up and legs spread, waiting for Ryan’s plug. Ryan would kneel between Scott’s legs and slowly kiss his way down his chest and run his hands down his thighs before sliding his lube-covered fingers into him and gently opening him up. Then he’ll slide the thick plug into him and Scott would smile and look so happy. Then Ryan would lie down next to him and wrap his arms around him. Scott would fall asleep in his bed, in Ryan’s arms, with Ryan’s plug in his ass, feeling safe and loved. Ryan would probably be in such deep domspace that he’d stay awake the entire night; adrenaline and the need to watch over Scott keeping him alert. It would be amazing…

…but that can’t happen. Scott had made it clear earlier in the evening that he didn’t want Ryan sharing a bed with him and Scott had looked so happy after Ryan had given him the plug. He needs the plug, not Ryan. And that’s fine.

Well, no. That’s not fine. It sucks, but that’s reality and Ryan has no right to push that aside.

Swallowing hard, Ryan takes deep breaths to calm himself down. He also can’t believe how close he’d come to giving in to his instincts and desires during his conversation with Scott. When he’d seen the pain and misery on Scott’s face, he’d come very close to asking him if Scott wanted to kneel for him for a while. It wouldn’t have turned sexual and there’s no doubt that Scott would have gone under very quickly and all of that pain would have been wiped away. Ryan would have happily spent all night sitting with Scott and letting him float in subspace if it would have made him feel better.

He’d also resisted the urge to ask Scott if he wanted to suck on Ryan’s cock or if he wanted Ryan to fuck him again. He’s pretty sure those things would have also helped Scott…

…but doing any of those things would have been wrong. No matter how badly Ryan wishes he and Scott had a dom-sub relationship, they don’t. Scott’s made it clear that he’s not ready for that and maybe he’ll never want to do that with Ryan. And Ryan has absolutely no right to push Scott into it when Scott’s vulnerable, even if he thinks it’ll make Scott feel better.

The top priority here is Scott. That’s how things have to stay. That reminds Ryan of the misery he’d seen on Scott’s face when he’d found him in the dark living room, shaking and his arms wrapped around himself. His heart had ached at Scott’s pain and he’d barely resisted the urge to pull Scott into his arms.

He wants to help Scott. He wants to comfort him and love him and make things better for him.

But unfortunately, he can only do what Scott’s willing to let him do. So Ryan will keep taking things one step at a time and cherish every moment that Scott’s willing to share with him.


	7. Chapter 7

Scott gets woken up by the alarm on his phone, which is the first time in months that he’s slept deeply enough to need it. Blinking, he reaches over and turns it off, smiling at how good he still feels. He loves being in Ryan’s bed, and having Ryan’s plug inside of him feels so…right. He doesn’t know why, but it does. Pressing his nose into Ryan’s pillow, he takes a deep breath. He’s so relaxed that he doubts he’ll be able to get out of bed.

Unfortunately, a knock on the door interrupts his lazy dozing. “Scotty? Can I come in? I gotta grab clothes.”

Scott’s on the verge of calling out “Yeah” when he takes full stock of the situation and abruptly realizes that Ryan can’t see him like this. He’s lying sprawled out on Ryan’s bed, on top of the covers, his ass is fully exposed and his legs are spread out so Ryan will definitely see the plug the second he walks in. Ryan can’t see him like this!

Shame crawls through him and he fumbles for the plug to yank it out. “Just a sec!”

It’s bad enough that Ryan saw him being miserable last night and felt sorry enough for him to loan him a silly sex toy, but having Ryan witness the aftermath would be even worse. He stares around for the pants he’d borrowed, but they’re nowhere in sight. Scrambling for the blanket, he manages to yank it over himself, adrenaline and fear pulsing through him. He realizes he still has the plug clutched in his hand and he quickly shoves his hand underneath the blanket.

Once he’s confirmed that he won’t humiliate himself any more than he already has, he clears his throat. “Okay, come in.”

Ryan pushes open the door and greets him with a smile. “Hey. Good morning.”

Scott manages a shaky smile. For some stupid reason, he can’t release his grip on the plug and he’s very aware that he’s half-naked and his hole is still twitching. He can’t help how his eyes are drawn to Ryan’s groin and he has to press the blanket down across his waist so he doesn’t throw the blanket off himself, spread his legs and beg Ryan to fuck him again.

Jesus, it would feel so good. But obviously, that can’t happen. Ryan would get freaked out and Scott would be humiliating himself even more than he already did yesterday.

“How’d you sleep?” Ryan asks, going over to the dresser to pull out clothes.

“Really good, actually.”

Ryan throws him a big grin and he looks thrilled. “Yeah? That’s great.”

“Yeah…” Don’t beg Ryan to fuck you, don’t beg Ryan to fuck you, don’t—

“Just so we’re on the same page, is that the type of plug you like?”

Scott freezes and his hand tightens on the plug. Now it’s time for Scott to give Ryan back his plug. Despite only having had the plug for one night, the thought of losing it is already making Scott sad. He loves his original plug, but wearing Ryan’s plug was extra special and he would have loved to keep doing it.

“Scotty?”

“Yeah?”

Ryan turns around, his arms full of clothes and he’s giving Scott a soft smile. “The plug? Was it comfortable?”

“Yeah. I really liked it.”

That makes Ryan smile. “Okay. I’ll get a couple more of those so you can decide if you wanna take that one home or keep it here. Either way, we’ll have plenty of spare ones.”

Scott blinks. “I—I can keep using it?”

“Of course! It’s yours. I don’t need it and if it makes you feel good, then I’ll buy you a hundred of them.”

Ryan’s being so casual about this, like giving Scott a wonderful present is a normal thing to do. Scott can’t loosen his grip on the plug and he keeps staring at Ryan. “You’re really letting me keep it?”

Smiling softly, Ryan nods. “Yep. You can use it whenever you want and keep it wherever you want. It’s yours. And I’ll order a bunch of other ones so we’ll have spares.”

Shaking a bit, Scott feels overwhelmed with gratitude. But he also hates the idea of Ryan spending his own money on him. It’s bad enough that Ryan’s giving him this plug, but Scott’s selfish and desperate enough not to fight him on it. But having Ryan buying more of them just because Scott’s pathetic? That’s something Scott doesn’t deserve. “You don’t have to buy more of them. I’ll take good care of it and if I need to replace, then I’ll do that myself.”

Ryan’s smile doesn’t fade. “You can buy as many as you want and so can I. You don’t ever have to use them, but it’ll make me feel better if I have spare ones around.”

Scott shifts. “I don’t wanna make you—”

“You’re not making me do anything. Having spare ones will make me feel better because it’ll reassure me that I can help you feel better.”

He can’t stop staring at Ryan. He’s still waiting for Ryan to start laughing and declare that he was joking…but it doesn’t happen. Ryan just keeps smiling at him, looking so kind and happy.

Pulling a shirt out of the pile in his arms, Ryan throws it at Scott. “Come on, get changed. We’re gonna be late and I’m not in the mood to get yelled at by Cap this morning. Where do you wanna go for breakfast? I’m in the mood for lots of bacon.”

* * *

Getting to work is a relief because Scott’s head is swirling with a million thoughts. He’s so desperate to ask Ryan if they can have sex again, but he doesn’t want Ryan knowing he’s desperate. He wants to thank Ryan for giving him the plug and being so kind to him, but he doesn’t want Ryan knowing how much those things mean to him because it makes him seem pathetic.

He’s also beginning to doubt his original certainty that Ryan won’t want to have sex with him again. Yes, Ryan’s kind and polite, but he didn’t have to give Scott his plug. Scott had no idea Ryan had any, so Ryan could have pretended he didn’t have any. If Ryan really thought the situation was weird, he would have made up an excuse to end the conversation and left Scott to suffer alone. But he didn’t do that. And he didn’t just let Scott borrow a plug for the night—he _gave_ Scott the plug to keep _and_ he’d promised to order more of them just so he’ll have spares around.

All of that indicates that Ryan does care about him and wasn’t turned off by anything that had happened between them. Which means Ryan might be interested in having sex with him again…?

Besides, Scott will make sure that their next sexual encounter will go better. Ryan had made it clear that he doesn’t want Scott getting stupid during sex and Scott doesn’t want that either. If they figure out a way to have normal sex, then Scott will behave like a normal human being and there won’t be any finger sucking or burr impressions. If Scott uses Ryan’s plug to fall asleep afterwards, that’s his business and Ryan won’t have to know.

The more Scott thinks about it, the more optimistic he gets about the whole thing.

A few days after they’d had sex for the first time, they have a good enough day at work that Scott decides to use the positive momentum to ask Ryan about having sex again.

They’d both spent the entire day in court which is always both boring and terrifying at the same time. Waiting for their turn to testify always takes forever but then they’re both always scared that they’ll say the wrong thing and mess up the months or years of work that had led to this moment. What makes this particular case even worse is that the defense lawyer is an aggressive, smart slime ball who they’ve had to deal with in the past and it always makes testifying even more stressful.

The only bright side to court days are that both he and Ryan have to wear suits, and Scott’s always appreciated how Ryan looks in a suit, but that’s nothing compared to how often Ryan stares at Scott when he’s wearing a suit. Scott’s sure Ryan hasn’t always been so open about his staring, but now that Ryan feels more comfortable ogling him, Scott feels his eyes on him throughout the day, which is awesome but also terribly distracting.

But things go well and while Scott’s driving them away from the courthouse, he’s relaxed and proud of them both. They swing through the drive-thru at McDonalds for food and then Scott drives Ryan towards his apartment.

Ryan’s eating fries and humming along to the radio, his front covered in napkins to protect his suit. Clearly, he’s also in a good mood.

Scott’s about to gather his courage and ask Ryan if he wants to have sex again, when Ryan abruptly turns off the radio and licks the salt and grease off his fingers. “So, you wanna fuck tonight?”

Scott nearly drives the car into the curb. “Uh—Yeah.” He chuckles and relief rushes through him. “I was just gonna ask you if you’d changed your mind about it.”

“Nope. Hell would freeze over first. I loved having sex with you and I’m happy to do it again whenever we want. You don’t have to wait for me to bring it up. We can bring it up anytime we want and if one of us isn’t in the mood, we’ll say so.”

Scott struggles to keep his smile under control and a rush of excitement makes his stomach clench. Oh, he can’t wait!

“But Jenkins?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t get yourself too worked up. We gotta talk before any clothes come off.”

Yes, they definitely do. They’ll need to carefully plan out what they’re going to do if Scott’s going to avoid embarrassing himself again. “Yeah.”

Ryan digs through the McDonalds paper bag and pulls out a wrapped burger. “I’m leaving you the chicken wrap. Are you gonna wanna finish my fries? And yes, I’ll open a disgusting mayo packet for you and dip your fries for you because that’s what an amazing person I am.”

* * *

When they get to Ryan’s, they both go into Ryan’s bedroom to change out of their suits and put on Ryan’s sweatpants and sweaters. After he’s changed, Scott can’t help but laugh at seeing Ryan’s disappointed frown. “Quit pouting, Harris. If I keep my suit on, you’re gonna be distracted and we need to be focused, right?”

“Yeah, yeah. Come on, let’s get this show on the road.”

Scott’s happy when he notices that Ryan goes to sit on the recliner and leaves the couch for Scott. Maintaining physical distance between them will be the only way that Scott can get through this conversation if they’re going to discuss sex-related things again. Well, he still might not make it through, but he’s glad that Ryan’s trying to remove every physical sign of pressure that he can.

Once they’re sitting down, Ryan sprawls out on the recliner. “We gotta talk about why you went into subspace last time.”

Embarrassment makes him flush. As much as they need to talk about this, Scott hates doing it. “I hate talking about that stuff.”

“I know you do, but it’s important. I should have stopped when you went into subspace last time cause that’s not what this is about. That was my mistake and I’ll definitely stop if it happens again. But it’ll be better for both of us if you don’t slip into subspace at all. So I gotta know exactly what it was that made you go under.”

Scott groans again and covers his face with his hands. “This is so embarrassing. I like being in my stupid floaty place, but I hate talking about it. It’s so damn weird.”

“I know you think so, but I promise that I don’t think any less of you when it happens.”

“It’s not normal.”

“There’s no such thing as normal when it comes to sex. Different people consider different things normal or weird. You have a very strong reaction to certain things during sex, and that’s fine. Hell, some poor people have the opposite problem: they barely get excited no matter what they’re doing. But anyway, I need to know what I did that brought it on so I can avoid doing that again. If you don’t wanna be embarrassed by going into subspace, then you need to fight through the embarrassment now.”

Ryan has a good point. The less times he goes into his weird space when having sex with Ryan, the longer Ryan will want to keep doing this. He doesn’t care that Ryan’s told him over and over that he doesn’t mind Scott’s weirdness. Scott knows he’s just being polite. So he needs to get over his embarrassment and tell Ryan how they can avoid a repeat of last time. “I…when you…the…when…”

Nope, it’s not happening. He can’t do this.

Ryan waits, but when Scott can’t make himself say the words out loud, he takes pity on him and tries to help. “I noticed it started when I was fucking you. You were fine while I was fingering you, so was it my cock in you?”

Scott shakes his head.

“Was it you being on your back? I know you said you wanted to see me, but we can try going slow and having me behind you.”

Again, Scott shakes his head.

Ryan’s silent for a few seconds, probably thinking. “Was it the way I was holding your legs? I was keeping you kinda pinned. I noticed you had your hands up by the headboard and you kept them there even when you weren’t bracing yourself.”

Scott takes a shaky breath. He can do this. “I liked…I liked…I like it when…when I can’t move. When…when I’m tied down.”

“Okay. So nothing that simulates you being restrained. Got it. What else?”

“When…you said…you were saying nice things.”

“I was praising you.”

“Uh huh. Don’t…don’t do that. It’s not as bad as with the…the not moving thing, but that’s a big one too. And…when you…when you told me what to do.”

Ryan frowns. “When did I…oh. I told you to come.”

“Uh huh. That’s…that’s a big one. I like…that’s a big one. So don’t do that either.”

“Okay, I got it. So you wanna do it face to face again?”

Scott’s about to say yes, but then he thinks about it. The thought of not seeing Ryan when they’re fucking reminds him of the countless others who had fucked him like that. Some would make comments that he was just a whore with a hole, and having them fuck him like that had always driven the point home. He doesn’t want to be thinking about that when Ryan’s fucking him.

But on the other hand, he remembers how nice it had felt to have Ryan behind him when he had his arms wrapped around him. So having Ryan fucking him from behind will hopefully also feel nice. “We can do it from…from behind. But I need know it’s you. When…when your chest is against my back and your arms are around me, that’s fine. I just don’t like it when…when…”

“When you can’t tell it’s me back there. I get it, don’t worry. You want me to blow you before we fuck?”

That sounds nice, but what Scott really wants is to get his mouth full of that amazing cock that had filled his ass the first time. “Can I blow you?”

Ryan looks concerned. “You’re not gonna fall into subspace?”

Scott shakes his head. He knows what Ryan’s worried about. “I do like having things in my mouth, but when it’s just normal sex, then it’s fine. The finger sucking thing is just…that just happens when I’m…when I’m floating. I like having things in my mouth or my ass. I don’t really care what the things are.”

He knows they’re both thinking about the gun incident, so he hurries to move on from that. “But if you’re not grabbing my hair or fucking my mouth, then blowing you is fine.”

Ryan gives him a long look. “You sure?”

Scott nods. “Yeah.”

Then Ryan smiles. “Okay. Come on, let’s give this a try.”

* * *

Sucking Ryan’s cock is just as good as Scott thought it would be. Ryan’s lying on his bed and Scott’s happily sucking his cock, feeling it stretch his lips while he’s rubbing his hard cock on the sheets.

“Oh, Jesus,” Ryan groans out. His hand drifts down to where Scott’s bobbing up and down on his stiff cock and gently runs his fingers through Scott’s hair. Scott notices he’s not grabbing his hair and he’s also a lot less talkative than he was the first time they had sex. Probably Ryan’s making an active effort not to praise Scott.

Scott appreciates Ryan’s efforts, but it also makes the experience a bit…less than it could be. But that’s fine. He wants to have normal sex, so this is what it’s all about. He moans at the feel of Ryan’s cock in his mouth, which makes one of Ryan’s legs twitch.

“Fuck! Oh, Jesus Christ. Scotty, you’re doing so—” And then Ryan snaps his mouth shut and keeps the rest of the words unsaid.

When Ryan’s hips start thrusting a bit into Scott’s mouth and he’s tensing, Scott pulls off and kisses his stomach. “You gonna fuck me now?”

Ryan lets out a breathless laugh. “I guess I can do that, yeah.”

Sitting up, Ryan slides off the bed and rummages through the bedside table, pulling out a bottle of lube. Snapping open the bottle, Ryan glances at Scott. “How do you want me to prep you?”

In response, Scott throws himself down into the spot Ryan had occupied moments ago and spreads his knees, grinning at Ryan.

Ryan laughs and knee-walks over. He rubs his lubed fingers over Scott’s hole and Scott twitches from anticipation. When Ryan slips a finger in, Scott thrusts down against his finger and feels his arousal rising again.

“You want another one?”

“Uh huh. Do two more.” He wants to feel the burn and hopefully, he’ll lose that strange sense of detachment he’s feeling.

Ryan slips three fingers in and fucks him slowly, stretching him open. “Look at you, you’re doing so—fuck, sorry.”

And that kills a little bit of Scott’s arousal. He really wants to hear Ryan telling him how good he’s doing and other wonderful things, but that will lead to undesirable things happening.

It’s clear that Ryan’s struggling with Scott’s limitations as much as Scott is, so Scott gives him a smile. “Come down here and kiss me.”

Ryan shifts over and dips his tongue into his mouth and Scott enthusiastically sucks on his tongue and fucks himself on Ryan’s fingers. Ryan groans into his mouth and presses himself closer and Scott can feel his cock in the crease between his aching cock and his thigh.

The kissing is good and brings some of the spark back, but Scott can tell that Ryan’s more focused on not overstepping any of the ground rules they’d set. Reaching down, Scott finds Ryan’s cock and rubs his thumb over the head of his cock.

Ryan gasps against his lips and it’s all very good, but Scott can’t help but wish that Ryan would take some more control of the situation or say something nice or—but no. This is what Scott wanted. He’ll learn to like normal sex and he’ll make it good for Ryan too.

Pulling back from Ryan’s lips, Scott grins up at him. “Get your dick in me, Harris.”

Ryan smiles and sits up. “Here, get up on your knees.” Ryan’s hands are running up his side and pulling him up. Then Ryan reaches around him, grabs the pillow and tosses it aside. “Get yourself closer to the headboard. Uh. Please.”

Scott chuckles. He’s not nearly aroused enough to be affected by the order, but he appreciates Ryan’s efforts. Knee-walking closer to the headboard, he understands what Ryan wants to do and Scott grabs the headboard. It’s a bit awkward because the headboard is a tall piece of solid wood, but he can grab the top of it.

There’s the sound of the lube bottle being opened again, then Ryan’s hands are back on him and they run up his sides and over his chest. Ryan’s chest presses against his back and his slick, latex covered cock is sliding against his ass.

Ryan rests his chin on Scott’s shoulder and kisses his neck. “You good like this?” he murmurs into Scott’s ear.

Feeling Ryan all around him brings a wave of want through him and his grip on the headboard tightens as he nods. “Yeah.”

One of Ryan’s hands disappears and Scott spreads his legs wider and feels Ryan’s fingers rubbing over his hole, then Ryan’s cock is slowly sliding in, filling him up.

Ryan’s arm wraps back around him and he keeps his grip loose enough that Scott can easily shift around, but he can still feel Ryan wrapped all around him, making him feel warm and safe. It’s a different kind of arousal than when he goes into his stupid place, but it feels good.

“Oh, this is good,” he mumbles.

Ryan kisses his shoulder and starts to thrust. It’s wonderful to feel Ryan’s chest shifting against his back and his hands rubbing over his chest and stomach as he gasps into Scott’s ear. Then Ryan’s reaching down and jerking Scott’s cock and Scott’s arousal comes flooding back.

“Oh! Oh, fuck,” he gasps out.

He clenches his ass and Ryan lets out a groan in Scott’s ear. Heat builds between them and Ryan keeps thrusting into him and jerking his cock. Scott’s moaning and shifting his hips back in time with Ryan’s thrusts.

As Ryan’s thrusts get rougher and Scott’s arousal builds, Ryan lets out a growl and catches Scott’s earlobe in his teeth and tugs hard.

The sudden pain sends sparks of heat through Scott. “Oh! Oh, fuck!” His ass clenches again and Ryan releases Scott’s cock to reach up and run his hands through Scott’s hair.

He’s gonna pull on Scott’s hair and yank his head back and just the thought of it sends a flood of excitement through Scott and he’s seconds away from floating. “Oh, oh, yes. Yes, please.”

He eagerly waits for Ryan’s hand to tighten and give him what he wants…

…but Ryan’s hand spasms and moves downwards, sliding over Scott’s chest and down to his cock again.

Scott can’t help but feel a twinge of disappointment. He lets out a plaintive whine in his throat and bares his throat for Ryan, hoping he’ll take the hint.

Instead, Ryan deepens his thrusts and fists his cock faster, rubbing the slick head where Scott can feel he’s leaking. Scott’s orgasm builds and he stops thinking about what he does and doesn’t want Ryan to do as he tenses up and he’s coming, strips of cum splattering the headboard.

Ryan groans into his neck, thrusts a few more times before he’s coming, his arms tightening around Scott’s chest.

Scott keeps his arms braced as they both gasp for breath. Eventually, Ryan’s arms drop and he slowly pulls out, which allows Scott to collapse in a sprawled heap and gasp into the mattress. A second later, Ryan drops down next to him, their legs tangled together.

Slowly, they catch their breaths and Scott rolls onto his side to stare at Ryan.

Ryan’s eyes are closed, but he must feel Scott staring at him because he opens his eyes and shifts until he’s looking at him.

They need to talk about what happened, but they need water first. “Water?” Scott mutters.

Ryan nods and goes to get up, but Scott throws a leg over him and keeps him down. “No, stay. I’ll get it.”

Scott slides off the bed and heads towards the door while Ryan strips off the condom. Heading out into the kitchen, Scott fills two glasses with water. He brings Ryan water, sits on the edge of the bed and they drink in silence.

When Ryan’s drained his glass, he puts it on the bedside table and sits up, leaning against the headboard. “I’m sorry about the ear thing. It was instinct but I shouldn’t have done that.”

Scott lets out an ugly laugh. “You biting my ear was the best part.” Then he thinks that’s being unfair. He’d felt good, he got an orgasm out of it, Ryan must have been having some amount of fun too, so that should be acknowledged. “I mean—it was…it was good. Great. Yeah, it was…great.”

Ryan gives him a long look.

Sighing, Scott drinks the rest of his water and drops back on the bed, the cool glass cradled against his chest. “It was…what I wanted.”

“Was it really?”

Scott doesn’t reply.

“I’m honestly asking, Scotty. I don’t mind having vanilla sex and if there are certain things you don’t wanna do because it’ll make you go into subspace, then I’m fine with that.”

Scott sighs. “I don’t—I don’t want us to just be ‘fine’ with it! I don’t want sex between us to be something we _don’t_ _mind doing_.” Annoyance is sticking in his throat because he knows he’s being unreasonable. He’d given Ryan clear boundaries, Ryan had respected them and now Scott’s being mopey because he didn’t like the end result, even though he’d known what the end result would be.

Ryan sighs. “Well, you gotta make up your mind. We both have really strong kinks and when we indulge in them, the sex we experience is really intense and on a whole other level. Complaining about that isn’t gonna change that for either of us. If you wanna stick to your boundaries, then that’s fine. We just have to experiment a little.”

Now Scott’s getting mad and he sits up. “No, _we_ don’t have to do anything. This isn’t your problem, Harris—it’s mine. You can have whatever kind of sex you wanna have with other people and you don’t have to keep wasting your time on me. I don’t need your pity.”

Ryan gapes at him. “Pity?! You’re my best friend and I’m trying to help you. That isn’t pity, you dumbass. It’s called caring about somebody.”

Scott’s anger fades away as quickly as it had come. He’s not really angry at Ryan. The answer to their problem is staring them right in the face…

…but Scott’s scared. Ryan can give him what he really needs, but he still doubts that Ryan seriously enjoys that kind of stuff. Especially stupid things, like Scott’s need to suck on something after sex. Him being in his stupid place comes with all sorts of problems. Scott would need to trust Ryan to take care of him and he’d also risk having Ryan get tired of him or annoyed with him. It’s safer to stick to vanilla sex…but he’ll always be comparing the experience to how things feel when somebody’s exerting more control over him.

Truth be told, he’s embarrassed about Ryan seeing him when he’s in subspace, but the experience feels so wonderful that he’s seriously staring to consider dealing with that embarrassment.

“You wanna see the other bedroom?” Ryan asks, breaking the silence.

The sudden change in topic confuses Scott. Frowning at Ryan, he gives him an unimpressed look. “What the hell does that have to do with this discussion? If you don’t wanna talk about this anymore and you want me to go, then just say so.”

Ryan returns his unimpressed look. “That bedroom has everything to do with what we’re talking about.”

Scott doesn’t think a stupid bedroom is connected to their discussion in any way, but he’s still stuck in a mental back-and-forth over what to do, so the distraction will be nice. But then he remembers that Ryan doesn’t just show that bedroom to anybody. “Are you sure? It’s your private space. I meant what I said before; if you don’t ever wanna tell me what’s in there or show me, that’s fine.”

Ryan smiles softly. “That’s one of the reasons I wanna show you. And I’m not lying; that bedroom is absolutely connected to what we’re talking about.”

Smiling, Scott slides off the bed. “Okay, let’s see it.”

When they’re out in the living room, Scott sits on the couch and closes his eyes and plugs his ears without Ryan asking him to. Once Ryan taps his shoulder, Scott lowers his hands, opens his eyes and sees that mysterious door having opened again.

Ryan heads towards the door, looking both nervous and excited.

Scott mentally prepares himself. Whatever’s in this room, he has to react with respect and understanding—even if he doesn’t understand. Ryan will be watching his first reaction like a hawk and Scott doesn’t want him to feel ashamed. No matter what happens after tonight, Ryan’s still his best friend.

Pausing just inside the open door, Ryan gestures with his arm. “Come on in.”

Scott steps into the room and the first thing he notices is that there’s no natural light at all. There are unlit lamps standing in the four corners of the room and an overhead light is on, but there aren’t any windows. His detective brain can’t let go of that oddity—fire codes dictate that a bedroom has to have a window—but as he examines the walls more closely, he notices one part of the wall has edges carved into the wallpaper.

Ryan must have put some shutters on the window and covered them up with the same wallpaper as the rest of the room so it blends in. It emphasizes the lengths Ryan went to in order to keep this room secret.

Now that he’s solved the window situation, he can concentrate on the rest of the room. The middle of the room is occupied by a low lying bed with four dark colored square posts attached to each corner. The low height of the bed and the placement of it are a bit weird, but it’s the headboard that really catches Scott’s attention. It’s made out of metallic horizontal and vertical bars, which isn’t something he’s ever seen before. Another weird thing is that the bed has pillows on it, but the blanket is thrown over a large rack standing on the other side of the bed. Maybe it’s to air it out? It’s a bit unusual, but like the headboard, not really that weird. Just a bit odd.

All of the other furniture in the room looks normal. A small bedside table sits next to the bed and there’s a large wardrobe and two chest of drawers, all of them made from dark brown wood. There’s also a black leather recliner in one of the corners. The colors in the room are a bit dreary and Scott knows Ryan usually prefers brighter colors, but maybe Ryan gets bad headaches and sleeping in a dark environment like this helps? Ryan’s never mentioned suffering from migraines, but who knows?

The bed is still attracting the most of his attention, so he steps closer to it. The mattress looks relatively normal, but when he bends down to take a closer look at the bedframe, he notices it’s made out of metal that’s been painted black. Well, the black seems to match the dark décor in the room, but that’s when Scott notices that the bed frame has rigid D-rings welded along the edges. There must be over a dozen of them, at regular intervals. As Scott walks around the bed, he notices the bedposts—which are made out of thick metal and are also painted black—also have D-rings welded along them, on all four sides.

Scott can’t begin to guess at what the function of the D-rings is. Are they just a stylistic choice? He opens his mouth to ask Ryan what the hell the rings are for, but apparently his silence has been making Ryan anxious.

“So…any questions?”

“Uh, yeah. Why are there D-rings attached to the edge of the bed and all the bedposts?”

Ryan clears his throat. “Those uhm…those…I’d really…”

Scott glances at him and frowns at him. “Since when are you ever at a loss for words, huh?” He doesn’t understand what the big deal is. Except for some oddities like the window being covered up and the bed having some weird décor choices, this looks like a normal bedroom for somebody who’s sensitive to light.

“Do you understand what this room is?” Ryan asks.

Scott chuckles. “It’s a bedroom, genius. I don’t understand why you need two of them, but there’s nothing weird about this. Why were you so secretive about it?”

Ryan sighs heavily. “Scotty, this isn’t just a normal bedroom. It’s my play room.”

Scott blinks. “Your…play room?” He looks around, but there aren’t any tables for playing board games, nor is there a computer or television for playing video games, so he has no idea what games Ryan’s playing in here. Unless he has a projector and watches movies in here? But why would he call it a ‘play room’? “Like for movies?”

Ryan sighs again and runs his hands through his hair, looking very anxious and stressed. “No, not for fucking movies. Jesus Christ, Jenkins!”

“I’m sorry! I feel like I’m missing something obvious, but I don’t get it.”

Ryan gives him a long look, then he lets out an annoyed sigh and goes over to the wardrobe. He rips open the wardrobe doors…

…and that’s when all the pieces fall into place.

Because the wardrobe isn’t full of clothes.

It’s full of whips, wooden paddles and long coils of rope and metal chains.

Scott blinks and he can’t breathe. He suddenly understands everything. This is Ryan’s play room. Where he has non-vanilla sex with other people. Because Ryan’s a dom. And this room is full of the toys and equipment that Ryan uses.

“Scotty? You okay?”

Scott manages to tear his gaze off the open wardrobe door and stares at the bed. Now the bars on the headboard make sense. He has a sudden vivid mental image of his hands being tied to those bars while Ryan fucks the living hell out of him.

The want coils in his stomach and his breathing picks up speed as his head starts floating.

A hand touching his arm brings him out of his fantasy and he stares at Ryan with wide eyes.

“Scotty? Are you slipping? I think we should go back out to the living room.”

No, no, no! Scott desperately wants to explore every inch of this room and the amazing potential hidden within it. Even if he’ll only ever get to do the things he’s thinking about in his own fantasies, just the thought of collecting more material for those fantasies is too delicious to ignore.

“No! I’m—I’m okay,” he forces himself to say. Blinking hard and giving his head a shake, he gives Ryan what he hopes is a reassuring smile. “I’m really okay. Can I—can I see more?”

Ryan gives him a worried look. “Okay, but only if you don’t start going under. Ask me questions and listen to my answers so you can stay focused.”

Scott nods frantically. “I’ll be good, I promise.”

Those words make Ryan stare at him for a long moment, but before Scott can analyze why Ryan’s reacting strangely to Scott’s comment, Ryan gestures around with a small smile. “Go ahead. Look wherever you want.”

Scott heads straight to the open wardrobe. “Not scared I’ll uncover some hidden secrets?”

Ryan laughs, but it sounds strained. “This _is_ my hidden secret. Everything in this room—the whole room itself and why it exists—is my hidden secret.”

That makes Scott stop and turn back to him. Ryan still looks very vulnerable, like Scott will suddenly call him weird and declare that their friendships is over. “Everything in this room is amazing. I’m having a lot of confusing thoughts, but believe me—none of those thoughts have anything to do with you. I think it’s amazing that you made all this and you’re comfortable enough with what you like to have something like this.”

Ryan gives him a small smile that’s tinged with relief. “Thanks. I knew you’d understand.”

Scott snorts. “Obviously. Even if I weren’t…part of…or interested...in all of this, I’d still try to understand. I wouldn’t be mean about it.”

“Other people I’ve told haven’t been that kind, so that’s why I’m really careful about who I tell these days. That’s why I haven’t told you about this before.”

Scott smiles. “Thanks for trusting me.”

Ryan returns his smile. “Thanks for being you.”

Laughing, Scott wiggles his eyebrows at Ryan. “I’ll remind you that you said that the next time you’re annoyed with me.” That makes Ryan laugh and Scott can tell that the tension has disappeared. He jerks his head towards the wardrobe. “Now come on, show me what you’ve got in here.”

With his confidence back, Ryan shows him what’s in the wardrobe and lets Scott touch everything. He tells Scott what the different whips are called and what the benefits of different types of rope are, just to keep them talking so Scott can’t concentrate on his fantasies.

Then Ryan shows him the two sets of drawers, which are filled with other goodies.

Scott’s fine when he sees the drawers full of carefully organized fuzzy handcuffs and leather handcuffs of various sizes. He wants to jokingly ask Ryan if he’s ever snuck a pair of his cuffs from work home and then claimed to have lost them so he could get replacements.

But then he sees the drawer filled with dildos and he has difficulty breathing again. There are over a dozen of them, in all different shapes, sizes and materials. And some of them look so ridiculously lifelike that Scott’s mouth waters at how thick and delicious they look.

“Scotty? Oh, Jesus, you’re so damn predictable.” Ryan chuckles. “Let’s close the dildo drawer, okay? I don’t want you drooling on them.”

Scott wants to make a rude comment, but he can’t focus until Ryan’s closed that drawer.

The other drawers have various other phallic looking objects like the plugs Ryan had shown him, but some of them are shaped very strangely and Scott has no idea what they’re used for and Ryan doesn’t offer too many details—probably wanting to avoid having Scott slip further under. One drawer is filled with little chains that appear to have clips on them and a dozen plastic and rubber things that Scott can’t begin to guess a use for. Once Scott is satisfied with having poked through each of the drawers, he turns back to the only question that remains: why the bed has D-rings all over it.

But now that Scott knows that everything in this room is designed for sex, it’s clear what the D-rings are used for. D-rings can have chains and ropes attached to them. Which means Ryan can tie people up in a million different configurations.

He gets a sudden, vivid image in his head: he’s naked, lying on the bed and his arms and legs are chained to each of the four bedposts, leaving him unable to move more than a few inches. It sends an intense rush of heat through him and he can barely breathe. He desperately wants to grab some chains from the wardrobe, lie down on the bed, beg Ryan to chain him up and just stay there for eternity. He’d slowly starve to death, but unlike that time years ago when he’d nearly accidentally starved himself to death, he’d die a happy man. A very happy man.

“Scotty? Hey, concentrate,” Ryan says, grabbing his arm and giving him a bit of a shake. “You okay?”

Blinking, Scott forces himself to breathe. “I’m—I’m—I know what the D-rings are for.”

Ryan chuckles. “Yeah, I thought you’d get it. You like the look of them?”

“Uh, ‘like’ isn’t the right word. ‘Desperately in love with them and what they represent’, is closer to the truth.”

Laughing, Ryan saunters up to the bed, resting a hand on one of the bedposts. Scott tears his eyes off the bed—because continuing to look at it will result in him making an idiot out of himself—and he looks at Ryan instead. That’s much better, because Ryan’s smiling and he looks happy. All of his earlier anxiety is gone, which makes Scott feel calmer.

“Yeah, it took me a few months to build. I—”

That takes Scott by surprise. “Wait, wait—you made this?!”

Ryan nods and smiles proudly. “Yep. BDSM furniture is really expensive, so I make whatever I can. I bought most of the smaller stuff myself, but things like the headboard and the bedframe are things I made.”

Feeling impressed, Scott steps closer to the bed and leans closer to the post Ryan’s leaning on, inspecting it. Now that he’s more focused on learning more about how Ryan apparently made the entire bed, his sexual fantasies have faded. “So you made the entire bed?”

“Well, not from scratch. The bedframe came as a normal frame. I used to have a wooden headboard—like the bed in the normal bedroom—that had holes in it that I could use for hooking up chains and ropes, but they would always crack under the strain and I got tired of it. I wanted something strong enough that would hold up for years and I wouldn’t have to worry about a sub coming loose in the middle of a scene. I also like suspension bondage, but I didn’t wanna risk damaging my ceiling if the thing I hooked up came crashing down. I figured if I had strong enough bedposts, I could use them for both suspension bondage and restraint bondage.” Ryan flicks his fingers against one of the D-rings. “When I was welding on the D-rings, I figured I might as well weld them on everywhere, just in case. Now the only limitation is my imagination.”

Scott realizes what that means. The things in this room couldn’t have been bought or even made over the last few weeks. It must have taken Ryan years to accumulate all this stuff and especially to make some of these things himself. “This is really cool. Seriously, I’m really impressed.”

Ryan grins. “Thanks.”

“I had no idea you could do things like that.”

Ryan shrugs. “I had no idea how to do any of it before I started, but I taught myself. I go down to the college and they let me use the equipment in their metal workshop. You can find videos online to teach you pretty much anything. I’ve always liked doing stuff with my hands.”

Scott loves the fact that he’s learning so many new things about Ryan today. “That’s awesome.”

The whole thing reminds Scott about his earlier thoughts and the fact that Ryan hadn’t just put this room together in a few days. “So how long did it take you to do all of this?”

“Technically, about ten years? I started doing this stuff in my early twenties and when I went to the BDSM clubs, I hated using their equipment and supplies. It just gave me the creeps that other people had used them too. I started buying some of my own things, but I hated having to hide everything in a box at the back of my closet. It was so disorganized and it sucked having to keep it all hidden away. So when I bought my own place, I decided I’d rather deal with the higher mortgage payments and get a two bedroom so I could finally make my own play room.”

Scott stares at him. For the first time, it dawns on him that when Ryan had said he was a dom, he hadn’t been exaggerating. Somehow, Scott still hadn’t believed that Ryan was really as involved in these things as Scott was and that he’d looked things up on the internet in order to make Scott feel more comfortable. But now he’s really starting to understand that this is part of Ryan’s life and has been for the entire four years they’d known each other.

And Scott hadn’t ever known. He hadn’t even seen a single clue of it, and given what their jobs are, that’s saying something. He grins at Ryan. “Thanks for sharing this with me.”

Ryan smiles softly. “You’re welcome.” Then Ryan looks worried. “Look, I don’t want there to be any misunderstanding. I didn’t show you this room to pressure you into anything. Mostly, I wanted to show you because I’ve learned a lot of things about you recently that you didn’t want me knowing, and I wanted to level the playing field.”

Scott nods. “I appreciate that. I really do.”

“But I also wanted to show you that I really do understand what you’re feeling and why you’re conflicted about the situation, and that helping you with that solution wouldn’t be me doing a favor for a friend, and it certainly wouldn’t be pity. Even if you decide you never wanna talk to me about sex ever again, I’m still gonna use this room and have the kind of sex I like having. But if you wanted to do some scenes together, I’d be up for it. It wouldn’t be pity and it wouldn’t be me doing a favor for a friend. It would be because I think we’d both enjoy it.”

Scott doesn’t know what to say about that. He’s feeling overwhelmed with different emotions. A part of him wants to leap on that bed and have Ryan tie him down and fuck him for hours, but another part of him is scared of engaging in that type of sex again, and he’s also worried about their friendship not surviving such a change in their dynamic.

Ryan jerks his head towards the living room. “Come on, let’s put some clothes on, make dinner and after we eat, we can talk some more or we can go to bed—don’t worry, I’ll sleep in here. Or you can go home. Whatever you want.”

Eager to distract himself from his conflicting emotions, Scott heads out of the room.

Ryan follows him out, locks the room and Scott automatically closes his eyes and plugs his ears so Ryan can go hide the key.

When Ryan taps on his shoulder, he’s giving Scott an amused smile. “You’ve already seen what’s in there. I don’t mind if you know where the key is.”

“You sure?”

“Of course.”

Scott watches as Ryan goes over to one of the hanging plants on his wall and sticks the key into one of the flowers.

Scott chuckles. “Clever, Harris.”

Ryan laughs. “Come on, clothes, then dinner. I’ve got some steaks—you in the mood for that?”

“Sure. I’ll make mashed potatoes.”


	8. Chapter 8

The next day, Ryan carefully analyzes the situation. He’d known that vanilla sex wouldn’t be something Scott would enjoy too much. To be honest, he hadn’t enjoyed himself too much either.

It was a good thing that Scott had been willing to discuss some of his kinks so they could avoid them, but the fact that some of their kinks—like praise—lined up, meant that they were both missing something they enjoyed.

But he’d wanted to respect Scott by letting him safely explore what vanilla sex would be like. Many subs enjoy vanilla sex before they discover their deeper kinks, but once they discover how amazing sex can be when they indulge their kinks, nothing else compares and Scott’s come to that same conclusion.

He’d been torn about showing Scott his play room, but he’d wanted to do it for two reasons.

First, he really wanted to level the playing field a bit. Scott’s been so distracted with other things lately, but Ryan hadn’t wanted Scott to wake up one day and feel anxious that Ryan knew a bunch of very intimate information about him, while Scott didn’t have the same kind of information about Ryan. So showing him the play room should give Scott a little more peace of mind, if he ever gets concerned about that.

Secondly, he really, really wants to be Scott’s dom. The intense emotions he’d felt the first time they’d had sex had been amazing and doing full scenes together would be incredible. He also feels confident that he could make Scott feel comfortable, and the possibility that Ryan could help him explore a healthy dom-sub relationship is very exciting.

Also, hot. The whole thing is really, really hot. Ryan’s pretty sure he’s going to die of a heart attack if he ever gets the privilege of seeing Scott when he’s fully submitting to him.

But he hadn’t wanted to put any pressure on Scott. His love for him—because there’s absolutely no doubt that he’s in love with him—makes him want to put Scott’s needs above his own. It doesn’t matter how badly Ryan wants to take care of him. The decision has to be Scott’s.

So by showing him the play room, Ryan’s put all his cards on the table. Well, not the card that explains how ridiculously in love he is with Scott, since that’s not a card Scott needs to be dealing with. Possibly ever.

Now, the decision is Scott’s.

* * *

For the next few days, Scott lets his thoughts run back and forth, trying to come up with a decision. He’d told Ryan that he needs time to think about things and Ryan’s giving him that time.

Unfortunately, his anxiety is taking full advantage of any spare second he has and Scott rarely gets further in his thoughts than ‘it might be really nice to do a scene with Ryan’ before the anxiety interrupts and that harsh, ugly voice in his head reminds him Ryan obviously didn’t mean his offer. Why would somebody as amazing as Ryan want to deal with a needy, pathetic slut like Scott who becomes completely useless during kinky sex and does weird, disgusting things? If he just wants to use Scott for sex, then Ryan has better options, so even that can’t be a reason.

He tries telling the voice to shut up, reminding it that Ryan’s never lied to him about serious things and he hadn’t seen a single sign that Ryan hadn’t been serious, so his offer must have been genuine. It doesn’t matter that Scott doesn’t deserve an ounce of Ryan’s time and effort and that he’s a weird, useless slut. Ryan already knows that’s what Scott is because Ryan’s not dumb and he clearly hasn’t minded having sex with Scott so far, so if he wants to do scenes with Scott, then he must think it’s worth it. Ryan even knows about Scott’s finger sucking thing and the plug thing and he was fine with it.

But it’s weird, he’s disgusting, how could anybody—

Stop it! Ryan knows about it and he was fine with it! He _said_ he was fine with it! He didn’t slap Scott or shove him away and he _gave_ Scott his fingers to suck on. He didn’t throw Scott out of his apartment or laugh at him when Scott admitted that he missed his plug. Instead, he _gave_ Scott a plug. Scott didn’t force him to do any of that.

Well, he was obviously just being polite. How could anybody be fine with those things?!

His battle with his anxiety is never ending and as usual, Scott can’t get the voice to shut up so he does his best to keep his brain occupied with other thoughts. Whenever he’s not at work, he’s at the gym or watching movies at home. He usually puts the plug in as soon as he gets home and it helps him feel a little better. No matter what, he’s got his friend—the plug. Even if Ryan never allows him to go back to his apartment and use the plug he’d given to Scott, he’ll still have his original plug to use. Taking it out in the morning sucks, but it’s better than being completely alone. It’s also not a replacement for Ryan fucking him, but again—it’s better than nothing.

Thankfully, things get very busy at work—three new cases in less than 24 hours—so Scott and his anxiety have to put their battle on hold to focus on work. He and Ryan barely have enough time to eat or sleep, never mind think about anything not work related. For Scott, that means he doesn’t have a lot of time to argue with the nasty, cruel voice in his head, which is a definite upside.

They end up solving one of the cases in less than two days—the husband had killed her and he’d done a pretty poor job of covering up his tracks—and that gives Scott enough of a confidence boost that he asks Ryan if he can come over and to discuss things.

He wants to take advantage of his positive mental headspace and have this conversation before his anxiety has the chance to drag him down even more. He’ll eventually lose and then he’ll never be brave enough to take up Ryan’s offer because he’ll have convinced himself that Ryan didn’t mean it.

After dinner and cleaning up the kitchen, they take up the same positions they’d had during their previous discussion: Ryan sitting on the recliner and Scott sitting on the couch, and they’re both fully clothed. To give himself an extra mental boost, Scott had discreetly grabbed the plug Ryan had given him—which always lives in one of the drawers in Ryan’s bedroom now—and slipped it in while in the bathroom before sitting down for their discussion. He hopes Ryan didn’t notice—because it’s pathetic that he’s getting emotional support from a piece of silicone that he'd shoved up his ass—but feeling it inside of him as he’s sitting on the couch makes him feel a lot better. Not only do his plug friends always calm him down, but this particular plug is the one Ryan gave him, which makes it extra special.

Taking deep breaths and clenching around the solid plug helps keep him calm and he decides to start talking before his anxiety can tear apart the fragile confidence he’d built up. “So I’ve been going back and forth about things in my head. At the end of the day, I’d really, really like to have a…to do…to try things in your special room. With you. If that’s something you’re interesting in.”

He’s shaking a bit and there’s that voice in his head, taunting him and telling him that Ryan didn’t mean it, how could he possible mean it, Scott’s a stupid, worthless—

“Interested? I’d be honored, Scotty. Seriously. And just based on what happened that first time we had sex, I think we’d be amazing together.”

Scott blinks at him and Ryan’s words make his anxiety come to a screeching halt. He searches Ryan’s face for any sign that he’s kidding or lying, but there’s nothing. He’s grinning and he actually looks very excited.

Scott cautiously pushes things forward. “So you…you’d really be interested? Despite the weird things I do?”

“I don’t think anything you do is weird. Does everybody do those things? No. But not everybody likes eating their fries with mayo and you don’t ever hear me saying anything mean to you about that, do you?”

He’s lying, clearly he’s lying, how could—

He clenches hard around the plug and briefly closes his eyes. Shut the fuck up! He’s not lying, it’s clear from the way he’s talking.

But Scott does give his anxiety one point: comparing Scott’s weird sex behavior—which Ryan hasn’t fully seen yet—to him eating his fries with mayo is a pretty terrible comparison. They’re not in the same universe. “That’s…not the same thing.”

“Sure it is. I promise, I don’t mind anything you do when you’re in subspace or when you’re coming down after.”

Oh, Ryan has no idea. “We haven’t even gone…all the way yet. You haven’t seen what I’m really like.”

“And if you allow me to see that, then I promise I won’t get weird. If it’s something that’ll cause problems, we’ll deal with it and find a solution that works for both of us. But I promise I won’t think you’re weird.”

Scott stares at Ryan, that cruel voice having fallen silent and leaving him feeling lighter than he’s felt in days. He can’t believe Ryan’s saying these words to him. He doesn’t deserve any of these words, but Ryan’s just giving them to him without asking for anything in return. “Promise?”

“I promise.” Ryan grins at him. “You wanna pinky swear?”

Rolling his eyes, Scott gives him the middle finger, which just makes Ryan laugh.

“So what else have you been thinking about?” Ryan asks.

That gets them to the harder part of the conversation and Scott clenches down on the plug again for support. It’s still there, just as solid and supportive as it’s been from the beginning. And it’s Ryan’s plug, which makes him feel even better. “You—you know I haven’t had good experiences in the past. I just have a really hard time trusting you or anybody with…things like that. The problem is that when I get into my weird…the foggy place then I stop thinking clearly. I end up agreeing to things that I wouldn’t have agreed to if I wasn’t out of my head. So I end up blaming myself for getting into situations that I don’t enjoy—like the gun thing—but I also wish—”

“Scotty, hang on, hang on, hang on.”

Scott glares at him, annoyed that he’d interrupted him when he’d been doing so well explaining himself.

“I’ll let you finish in a second, but I wanna point something out that might change the whole direction of this conversation.”

“Okay…”

“You should never be in a situation where a dom is asking you to make important decisions when you’re in subspace. That’s way too late for those conversations. A dom who knows what they’re doing—and gives a shit about their sub—will have those discussions beforehand, when everybody’s dressed and level headed. When I’m starting out with a sub who I don’t know well, I’d never jump into a scene without first discussing what we’re going to be doing in the scene. We discuss everything—what toys we’re going to use, what positions we’ll be in, how long we’re going to do things for—everything. That’s when we both decide what we wanna have happen and then it’s my job as a dom to make sure I keep the scene on track.”

Scott frowns. That doesn’t sound like what he’d experienced in the past. In fact, what Ryan’s describing sounds amazing, but now he’s just confused. “But you’re the dom. That means you get to make decisions. That’s the whole point—the sub doesn’t get to decide anything.”

Ryan sighs. “You’re only looking at the dom-sub relationship from the outside. Sure, if you’re watching a video online, it looks like the dom is making all the decisions and the sub has no choice about anything. But in most cases, the scenes are discussed and planned out in detail beforehand. Once people get to know each other, maybe the sub will tell the dom to plan things themselves and not tell the sub, but that requires the dom knowing the sub extremely well.”

Scott is starting to put the pieces together. “So we’d come up with a plan before we do anything?”

“Yeah. Think of it like getting into the car to go somewhere. We both wanna get somewhere and we discuss ahead of time which roads we wanna take, how long it’ll take, all that stuff. Then you sit back and you trust me to drive the car and get you there safely. It’s my job to watch the traffic and make sure I’m not taking turns too tight so you don’t bash your head on the window and I gotta watch for other cars so we don’t end up in accidents. But if you decide at any point that you changed your mind and you wanna stop the car and get out, then it’s also my job to safely pull over and help you out of the car.”

“What if I want you to drive down a street you don’t wanna go?”

“It’s a two-way relationship, Scotty. We’re both in charge of deciding where to go and how to get there, but I’m in charge of the actual driving because you’re in subspace during the ride. So if you suddenly tell me that you want me to drive 100 miles per hour or go down a road that’s got a lot of potholes, then I’ve got the right to say no.”

“So if I’m in my stupid—if I’m in subspace and I really, really wanna suck on your gun, you wouldn’t let me?”

“Of course not! I’d be gentle about it and I’d distract you with something else because I know how upset you’d get, but I’d never let you do something that would get either of us hurt. And I’d never, ever do something that I know you wouldn’t like.”

All of a sudden, Scott starts to feel overwhelmed, but it’s not out of fear or uncertainty. He stares at Ryan and he realizes he desperately wants to experience this new way of doing things that Ryan’s describing.

Trusting Ryan was never the problem. Trusting himself around him was the problem, and Ryan’s reassurances during this discussion have now giving Scott his confidence back. And with that confidence, comes excitement. “So when can we get started?”

Ryan laughs. “You’re okay with all this?”

“It sounds like a dream come true. I trust you and I know I can trust myself around you. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

Ryan has a soft smile on his face. “That means a lot to me.”

Scott grins at him. “You in the mood to start talking specifics?”

“Sure. When we’re done that, we can make out a bit and jerk each other off before bed.”

That makes Scott chuckle. “Sounds like perfect date night.”

Ryan laughs. “I’m not sure discussing BDSM kinks is part of other people’s normal date night, but—”

“But who the fuck cares about those people? It’s our perfect date night and that’s all that matters.”

* * *

It’s a huge struggle to keep his grin contained and not to start floating around the room, but Ryan manages. It feels like all of his dreams are coming true and he still can’t believe that this is actually happening.

Scott has agreed to do scenes with him! _Scott has agreed to do scenes with him!_

He feels like the luckiest guy in the damn universe and he’s going to spend every ounce of his energy and skill on making things as perfect as possible.

But Ryan can tell Scott’s very nervous and that’s dampening his excitement a bit. When he’d gone into the bedroom earlier, he’d noticed one of the bedside table drawers had been slightly ajar and when he’d opened it to see if he’d left anything jammed in it to prevent it from closing, he’d noticed that the plug he’d given Scott was gone. When he’d noticed that Scott was walking and sitting in a slightly weird way, he’d realized that Scott must have put the plug in.

As before, the thought of Scott getting comfort from the plug that Ryan had given him makes Ryan’s adrenaline spike. That’s purely his dom instincts reacting. It’s a huge turn-on to know that he’s given a sub something that’s making the sub feel good. But knowing why Scott needs that comfort right now quickly erases the positive feelings Ryan has about the situation.

He tries not to stare at Scott too obviously, but he can tell Scott’s shifting around during their conversation. He’s probably clenching around the plug, and the fact that Scott’s so anxious that he’s seeking comfort from the silicone toy is making Ryan’s heart ache. He wants to pull Scott into his arms and somehow take all of his fears away, but doing that would probably just make Scott more nervous.

Luckily, Scott’s shifting and clenching decreases in frequency during their discussion and that makes Ryan feel better about the situation. He’s choosing his words very carefully and he’s determined to keep moving things into the right direction.

Hopefully, they’ll eventually get to a point where Scott won’t have to rely on a simple sex toy for comfort, but even if that never happens, Ryan will do everything in his power to make Scott feel comfortable and safe.

* * *

“So…what are things you absolutely don’t wanna do? What are your hard limits?” Ryan asks.

Scott blinks. “I…don’t really know. I just know what I like.”

“Bondage, praise and orders.”

It warms Scott’s heart that Ryan remembers all three of those things so clearly. “Yeah. But…with the order thing, I just wanna do that when we’re doing…that stuff. Well, I guess sometimes you tell me what to do during the day too, but that’s different.”

“No, I get it. When we’re in my play room, I’m a dom and you’re a sub, but outside of it, we’re just Ryan and Scotty.”

“Yeah.” Then Scott lapses into silence because he really doesn’t have a firm idea of what he likes and doesn’t like.

Thankfully, Ryan rescues him. “Can I go first?”

“Sure.”

“I don’t like impact play.”

Scotty frowns. “I don’t really know what that means.”

“It means I don’t like hitting somebody and I don’t like leaving any marks. Yeah, there might be a little bruising or red marks from doing some things and I don’t mind doing things like hair pulling, pinching, holding a sub down. But I don’t like hitting somebody. Flogging, spanking, paddling, face slapping—all of that’s stuff I don’t like. It reminds me too much of my dad.”

Scott presses his lips together and nods. Ryan doesn’t talk about his dad often, but Scott’s gathered enough details over the years to put a picture together. Ryan’s dad had been violent and controlling and had spent years directed his rage at Ryan’s mom and Ryan himself. Ryan’s mom had done her best to protect him from the worst of it, but they’d both been the targets of his frequent rage.

When Ryan had been about nine years old, his mom had grabbed him and run. For years after that, Ryan and his mom had moved around to different towns to get away from him. As far as Scott knows, Ryan’s dad had finally lost track of them when Ryan was in his late teens and there hadn’t been any sign of him since. That’s good because that asshole would be dead if Scott ever got a whiff of his whereabouts.

But focusing back on the conversation they’re having, Scott completely understands why intense physical violence is off limits for Ryan. Remembering the many times those other doms had slapped him across the face when he’d done something they hadn’t liked makes Scott’s stomach clench. “I get it, trust me. That’s no problem. I really don’t wanna do face slapping anyway. That’s definitely—no, I don’t like that.”

“But you’re okay with hair pulling, pinching, holding you down?”

Blinking hard, Scott forces himself to concentrate and not remember the last time he’d desperately wanted Ryan to yank his hair. He needs to stay level headed during this conversation or Ryan will stop. “Oh, that’s—that’s all fine. I like that.”

“I don’t mind getting a bit rough, as long as there aren’t any bad marks afterwards. I can’t—I can’t deal with that.”

“Yeah, that’s fine. I haven’t done a lot of that stuff. Some of the doms slapped me and hit me, but most of them just wanted to fuck me. Honestly, I have no idea if I’d like being spanked or whipped, but it doesn’t matter. If that’s one of your hard no’s, then it’s off the table.”

Ryan smiles. “Thanks.”

But that does make Scott wonder about something. “So, I have a question.”

“Yeah?”

“If you don’t like using whips and things like that, why do you have a closet full of them?”

Ryan laughs. “Giving floggers and whips as presents is really common. I used to socialize in the scene a lot and they were all gifts. It can get awkward unwrapping a dozen dildos, so floggers and paddles add some variety. I always felt bad about getting rid of them or selling them, so I just keep them. Sometimes I use them really lightly on subs just for sensation play and some subs like looking at them and touching them. But I’ve never used them to hit anybody and never will. That’s definitely not something I ever wanna do.”

Scott smiles. “No problem. We’re definitely on the same page with that.”

“Good. So, what about bathroom stuff? I’ve tried it and it’s something I’m not really into, but I—”

Scott quickly holds up a hand. “We can stop talking about that right here and now. What I do in the bathroom is my own business and I wouldn’t wanna share that with anybody else. So I guess that’s a big no for me.”

“Alright, good.” Ryan’s silent for a moment, thinking. “Oh, so the talking thing. I really like talking during sex.”

Scott chuckles. “Yeah, I noticed.”

“Is there anything you don’t want me to say?”

That requires some analysis. It had been on the tip of Scott’s tongue to say that he doesn’t like being called a slut or a whore, but then he thinks about whether those comments really bother him or not. The thing is, whenever somebody called him a cum slut or something similar, it had always made him feel weirdly…proud of himself?

He’d noticed that humiliation rarely worked on him, which had always disappointed the doms he’d been with in the past. They’d put him in a corner and tell him to think about what a whore he was, while cum was dripping out of his ass, but all Scott would feel while standing there was pride in himself, happy that he’d done a good job and his dom had come in his ass and he was on display for the world to see how good he did. Needless to say, that’s not the reaction the doms had hoped for and he’d get called useless and then slapped or thrown out.

Some of the doms tried other tactics and they’d do things like force him to lick their dirty shoes or drink out of the toilet, and it had never bothered Scott. He just liked following orders and it made him feel proud to do what he was told. His brain wasn’t capable of doing any deeper analysis when he was in his floaty place, so it never occurred to him to feel the associated shame that those activities were supposed to bring on. Afterwards, he’d always be annoyed that he’d done those things, but only because it was unhygienic, not because of the shame. And that’s…not normal.

As his anxiety had gleefully pointed out for weeks after every such encounter, nothing about his behavior was normal or okay. It cemented the fact that he’s a fucked up, disgusting slut. But none of that’s relevant for this conversation. Thankfully, he doesn’t need to tell Ryan about his weird past behavior because Ryan had asked him a very specific question about language and Scott wants to focus on that. Some of the language the doms had used had bothered him but it takes him a few minutes to figure out what parts had bothered him.

“I don’t mind being called some names—” he blushes a bit, but he pushes on because he wants Ryan to give him what he wants, but that can only happen if Ryan know the relevant information. His anxiety flares up, telling him Ryan will change his mind now, Ryan won’t want to have anything to do with him now, how could anybody want—

No. Shut up. Keep talking. “I like being called a slut. Actually, I _really_ like being called that,” Scott finishes quickly. As long as he talks faster than his anxiety can crush his confidence, he can do this.

He glances at Ryan, terrified of what his reaction will be. To his relief and surprise, Ryan’s just looking back at Scott, listening intently. He’s not smirking, he’s not looking disgusted or weirded out. He’s just paying careful attention, as if Scott’s discussing something important about a case. That gives Scott the strength to continue.

Take that, anxiety. You’re underestimating what an amazing person Ryan Harris is and that’s cause you’re an idiot.

“But I don’t like it when people are cruel about it. Calling me worthless, stupid, things like that. Being a slut isn’t the same as being worthless or stupid.” Now that he’s warming to this topic, other things occur to him. “And I don’t like it when people try to pretend that I belong to them. They’d say things like my ass is theirs, my mouth belongs to them and I…don’t like that. It’s my body, I’m just letting them borrow it.”

Ryan nods. “So, no possessive language and nothing connected to your intelligence or your self-worth.”

Scott grins, feeling relieved that Ryan got it. “Yeah.”

“Okay, no problem. You know I don’t like it when you call yourself stupid anyway, so I’m sure as hell not gonna do it. Possessive language is high on my like list, but—”

Then Scott feels bad and opens his mouth to say that Ryan can still do it if he wants to and Scott will just try to ignore it, but Ryan holds up a finger. “But if it’s something you really don’t like, then it’s off the table. I promise.”

Scott stares at him. “Really?”

“Yep. Okay, next?”

Scott thinks about it. He really likes the fact that they’re having this conversation while fully clothed. It feels a bit clinical, but that’s the point. There’s no pressure, he’s thinking clearly and he loves that every word he says will help to make the future experience even better.

He still can’t believe he’ll get to have everything he loves and nothing that he hates, but he doesn’t let himself dwell on that too much or he’ll start floating. “I can’t think of anything right now.”

“Okay, we’ll move onto the next part: we gotta talk about aftercare. As in: what you need me to do when you’re coming down after a scene.”

Scott blinks and right away, shame makes him flush. Being weird and needy in the middle of sex is one thing and there’s less chance that Ryan will be bothered by it, but being weird _after_ sex is a problem…and there are a lot of weird things Scott likes to do after sex.

“Scotty, look at me,” Ryan says softly.

With extreme difficulty, Scott manages to lift his eyes and stare at Ryan, who’s looking at him so kindly.

“I wanna talk about aftercare because I wanna know what you need. I wanna make you feel as good as possible when you’re coming out of subspace, but to do that properly, I need to know what you need from me.”

Scott understands that, but he can’t bring himself to tell Ryan about his desperate need to have something in his ass after sex. Having Ryan know about the finger sucking thing is bad enough, but Scott doesn’t want to humiliate himself any more than necessary. Ryan already knows that Scott likes sleeping with the plug in but adding that to their after-sex routine would be pathetic, no matter how badly Scott wants to do it.

He’ll be fine without having anything in his ass. He can always put his plug in when it’s time to go to sleep and he’ll learn to be happy with that.

But his silence seems to make Ryan think that Scott isn’t willing to talk about any of this and he tries being helpful. “So I noticed you got cold really fast.”

Oh. That. “Yeah. I don’t know why. One second, I’m happy and floating, the next second I’m crashing down and feeling like shit.”

Ryan’s jaw clenches. “That’s subdrop. Normally, it only happens when something goes really sideways and people are thrown out of subspace unexpectedly and their bodies can’t adjust right away.”

Well, that makes this even worse. Apparently, his behavior really is weird. Damn it.

“Scotty, don’t be embarrassed. Please. I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad about yourself. Going into subdrop is never the sub’s fault. It’s completely beyond your control.”

Scott clenches his jaw. “If that’s…not what’s supposed to happen, then what _is_ supposed to happen?”

“You’re supposed to come down in a slow, steady way. Some people get a little cold, but you should stay feeling happy and relaxed. Instead of crashing down, you should float down just a nicely as you floated up.”

“That’s…not how it happens.”

“And that’s nothing you should be ashamed about. But I wanna do everything I can do make you come down slower and make you feel better. That’s why we have to have this conversation, even if it’s really hard for you.”

Scott’s torn. On one hand, he hates the idea of talking about his stupid, weird behavior, but he also hates experiencing that sudden drop. He can’t stop himself from falling, so if he wants it to stop, he’ll have to let Ryan help him. But no matter what, Scott will keep the stupid ass thing to himself. If Ryan does everything else right, Scott should be fine. “Having a blanket helps. And I like cuddling.”

He actually _loves_ cuddling and he always clings to the closest warm body like his life depends on it—which it feels like it does—but there’s no need to showcase how pathetic he is.

Ryan smiles softly. “We’re on the same page with that. And you’ll want my fingers in your mouth, right?”

Clenching his jaw, Scott’s gaze drops to the carpet but he manages to nod.

“Anything else?”

There’s nothing else that Scott’s comfortable discussing, so that will have to suffice. Shaking his head, Scott manages to give Ryan a weak smile. “Nope. I hope that’ll help.”

Ryan takes a deep breath. “I hope so too. I don’t want you dropping like that. Not because I think it’s annoying but because I hate having you go through that. Alright, moving on. Let’s talk about communication.”

Scott raises an eyebrow. “Didn’t we do that already? We have our yes and no signs.”

“Yeah, but when we made those signs, I didn’t really believe that you get completely non-verbal when you’re in subspace and that it takes you a while to come out of it. I don’t like the idea that you can’t communicate properly and that you’re relying on me to guess what you’re trying to say.”

That’s when Scott remembers having been desperate for water and having his ass filled with something after the first time they’d had sex, but he hadn’t been able to tell Ryan either of those things. The only reason Ryan had figured out the finger sucking thing was because Scott had pulled his fingers into his mouth and Ryan had realized what he’d needed.

But that leads to problems. “We can make up signs for more things, like water but I think it would be best if I can spell things. Then I can tell you anything I want.”

Ryan nods. “That’s what I was thinking. But first, I think we should also have an easy sign for ‘slow down’. Our yes and no signs are good for go or stop, but if you need to slow things down so you can spell something or you just need me to back off a bit but not stop, then we should have a separate sign for that.”

Scott looks down at his hand and moves his fingers in various configurations, trying to come up with something simple that looks distinct. “How about this?” He crosses his index and middle fingers and holds that up. “Can you see that?”

“Yeah, that’ll work.”

Scott studies his fingers for a while, lost in thought. He loves that he has three easy signs that he can use to tell Ryan exactly how he’s feeling at any point.

“So, my safeword is spaghetti.”

Blinking, Scott stares at Ryan. “What?”

Ryan grins, but then grows serious again. “I need a safeword in case I wanna stop a scene too.”

Scott’s never heard of a dom wanting to stop a scene, but that’s because the doms he’d been with in the past had always steered the scene in the direction they wanted, without taking his own needs into consideration. If the scene is truly a collaboration between a sub and a dom, then it makes sense that the dom might end up in a situation they want to get out of. “Okay. So your safeword is…spaghetti?”

Ryan chuckles. “I know it sounds stupid, but that’s the point. I’m gonna be talking to you during the scene, so I can’t use a word that’ll come up in any scene conversation. Believe me, it’s been a long process and I’ve lost a lot of good safewords over the years which somehow came up in normal conversation and caused confusion—”

“Like what?”

“Oh, all kinds of things. Remote control. Fingerprint. Flower. Trust me, I’ve experimented with this for a while. Spaghetti is the only one that’s worked out the way it should. I’ve never been into food kinks, so it’s never come up.”

Scott laughs. “Alright. Spaghetti’s your safeword.” Then he grows serious, thinking it over. “What’s gonna happen if you have to use it? Are you gonna just leave?”

Ryan gives him an unimpressed look. “Yeah,” he says in a deadpan voice. “I’m just gonna walk right outta the apartment, leaving you cuffed to the bed and I’ll come back a few days later to get rid of your body.”

Despite not really knowing how these things work, Scott knows that was meant to be a joke and he lets out a weak chuckle. “Quit with the bullshit. I have no idea how these things work and I’m honestly asking.”

That makes Ryan’s laughter abruptly stop and he grows serious again. “If I safeword out of a scene, the scene will stop and I’ll switch over to doing aftercare. It’s not you I need to get away from, but the scene itself. Make sense?”

Scott nods. “Yeah. So I’ve got my signs and you’ve got your safeword. But Harris, I’m really bad at communicating when I’m in subspace, so if you want me to answer questions and give you signs, you gotta make it really clear that you want an answer or I’ll probably just ignore you.”

“Oh, don’t worry. You can ignore everything I’m saying unless I tell you that I want you to give me a sign. That’s when I gotta see a go, slow down or stop sign or I’m gonna stop. The rest of the time, it doesn’t really matter to me if you give me a nod or ignore me.”

Scott nods. “I like that. So for spelling, do we just wanna use the ASL alphabet?”

“Can it be done one-handed? And if your hand is tied up?”

Scott has no idea, so he takes out his phone and looks it up. Thankfully, the signs are all one-handed and they don’t look complicated. “Yeah. It looks like it’ll work.”

He throws his phone over to Ryan, who carefully studies the diagram of signs. “Alright, so we’ll spend a week learning the alphabet and quizzing each other and when we’re both comfortable, then we can start planning our first scene. Sound good?”

Scott stares at him and he’s again overwhelmed with how grateful he is that Ryan cares about him this much. The man’s deliberately putting off having the kind of sex he really wants to have because of Scott’s stupid communication problem and he’s also willing to learn something brand new and master it just so Scott can feel safe and happy while they’re having sex.

“You sure about this?” Scott asks him.

Ryan glances up from the phone and grins at him. “Of course! Now come on, let’s run through the alphabet a few times and then we’ll make out and jerk each other off. We both deserve orgasms after all this responsible kink negotiating.”

Laughing, Scott gets up and steps over to the recliner so he can pull Ryan into a hug. “Thank you, Harris.”

Ryan wraps his arms around him and squeezes him tight. “You’re welcome.”


	9. Chapter 9

A week later, they’re ready. They decide to do the scene on Saturday so they have a chance to leave work-related stress behind beforehand and they’ll have Sunday to recover.

Scott’s head is in the clouds all day Friday and thankfully, Ryan does all the driving and their day is pretty routine and simple. When they’re back at the station and tidying up their desks for the weekend, Ryan glances over at him. “You ready to go for a ride tomorrow?”

Ryan’s grin makes it clear that he knows the multiple meanings hidden behind those words and excitement runs through Scott as he struggles to control his grin. “Hell, yes.”

“Come over around two tomorrow and we’ll get set up.”

* * *

Scott shows up at eleven instead, but Ryan just laughs when he buzzes Scott up and he’s busting through the door about thirty seconds later.

“Just a little excited, Jenkins, huh?”

Scott’s practically vibrating and he can’t get the excited grin off his face. “Me? Excited? Never.”

“Well, you gotta calm down because we gotta talk about what we’re gonna do and then we gotta find cuffs that’ll fit you.”

* * *

Scott had been worried that a clinical discussion of the scene they’d do would kill his excitement for it, but he’s getting accustomed to these conversations by now and his mind focuses on the specifics. It’s also nice that he no longer stumbles over every second word and he’s getting much more comfortable talking about these things with Ryan.

To start with, they sit in their usual positions on the recliner and couch and Ryan lays out suggestions on what he thinks they should do for their first scene. Scott’s so excited that he nearly floats off the couch a few times during the conversation, but Ryan always gently reminds him to stay focused and forces Scott to participate in the discussion. Then it’s time to pick out the equipment they’ll use and once again, Scott’s vibrating from excitement.

After they go into the play room—still fully clothed—Ryan opens the drawer with the handcuffs. “I think you’ll be happiest with the leather ones. They’re padded and really comfortable. You can twist and move around and you should be okay staying in them for a few hours.”

Scott is secretly really glad that Ryan isn’t even suggesting using their normal metal cuffs. Some doms he’d been with had wanted to use his real cuffs and Scott had quickly learned he hated using them. They were fine if he wasn’t moving around, but he’d often tug on them or the dom would manhandle him and he wouldn’t notice until afterwards that his wrists had been bruised and cut up.

When he picks up the black leather cuffs, he knows he’ll love wearing these. Ryan helps him wrap each cuff around his wrist and buckle them closed. The feel of the soft, padded cuffs on his wrists make Scott smile. “It feels like somebody’s holding my wrists, but in a nice way.”

Ryan smiles. “You like them? They feel good?”

“Uh huh.” He twists his hands around, already in love with them. “I don’t know if I’ll ever take them off.”

Ryan laughs. “It’ll get you some weird looks around the office, but when you’re here, you can wear them whenever you want. Now, take off your pants and try on these thigh cuffs. If you don’t like them, I can clip your hands together behind your back, but that’ll make it harder for me to see your signs.”

The thigh cuffs are also made from black padded leather and Scott loves seeing them on his thighs while he’s wearing the smaller cuffs on his wrists. “I’m liking how I’m looking.”

Ryan chuckles. “Jenkins, don’t distract me. If I start really looking at you, then our careful plans will blow up in our faces. And you still have to choose a dildo.”

The mention of the dildo distracts Scott and his whole face lights up. Ryan laughs and reaches over to pull open the drawer that had made Scott nearly drool the last time he’d seen it. Just as before, seeing so many cocks all together fills Scott with excitement and a desperate want. Biting his lip, his eyes jump from one to the other. “I only get to pick one?”

He doesn’t mean for his voice to come out so whiny, but Ryan laughs and wraps his arms around him from behind and rests his chin on his shoulder. “Oh, we’re gonna be so great together, Scotty. Yes, Mr. Greedy, just one for tonight. We gotta learn how to walk together before we can start doing sprints.”

“But it’s like a candy store. I wanna suck on all of them.”

Ryan’s laughing so hard that it’s vibrating through Scott and he grins in response, Ryan’s joy at his words making him feel no shame at what he’s saying.

“I know you do, but you’re gonna get to suck on something even better today, remember? Pick the one you want me to fuck you with.”

That’s when Scott remembers what they’re planning and that makes him refocus. He picks a veiny, thick dildo that’s flesh colored and will feel close to the real thing. “That one.”

Ryan kisses his shoulder. “Okay, good.”

* * *

It’s unbelievable what a difference it makes knowing exactly what will happen during their scene. Scott feels excited and there’s none of the usual fear or apprehension.

But after they’re done discussing everything and Ryan grins at him, wiggles his eyebrows suggestively and asks him if he’s ready to get started, Scott gets attacked by nerves. For the first time in his life, he’s worried about screwing up and disappointing the person’s he’s having sex with.

Ryan frowns and steps closer to him, but doesn’t touch him. “What’s going on? You can change your mind whenever you want. If you don’t wanna say anything, then just gimme the sign for stop and we’ll go back out into the living room and watch a movie or I’ll drive you home.”

Scott clenches his jaw and shakes his head. “I—I wanna do this. I wanna do this so bad. But I’m scared of letting you down.”

Ryan gives him a soft smile and gently touches his face with both hands, rubbing his cheeks with his thumbs. “You could never let me down. Even if things don’t go as planned and either of us wanna stop, that’s fine. All I want is for both of us to enjoy ourselves. That’s what this is all about, nothing less, nothing more.”

“The other—the other—” Scott’s words are getting tangled up in his throat. Damn it! He feels pathetic and this is so damn embarrassing. “The others would always get annoyed if I screwed up. I never really cared that I was letting them down because I didn’t care about them, but I care about you.”

Ryan gently presses his forehead against his and Scott reaches up to touch Ryan’s hands on his face, the leather cuffs pressing against Ryan’s hands.

“This isn’t a case we’re working, Scotty. We don’t have to get it perfect every time. As long as we’re both enjoying ourselves, I’ll love it and I’ll do my best to make sure you do too.”

Scott closes his eyes. “Can we just start? Once I’m outta my head, I think I’ll be fine.”

Ryan rubs his cheeks with his thumbs. “You sure?” he whispers.

“Yeah. If I’m not feeling good, you’ll know and I’ll tell you to stop.”

“And even if that happens, I won’t be disappointed, I promise. It’s just you and me, just Scotty and Ryan.”

Scott nods. “Okay.”

Tilting his head, Ryan presses his lips to Scott’s, kissing him. Scott kisses back tentatively, still feeling anxious and weird. Thankfully, Ryan’s kisses are familiar by now and Scott easily falls into the familiar rhythm of moving his lips against Ryan’s and licking his way into his mouth and rubbing their tongues together.

It’s soothing and when Scott hears Ryan let out that little groan in the back of his throat that he always makes when they’re kissing, he starts to relax and deepens the kiss.

Ryan tugs on his lower lip and dives back into his mouth, tightening his grip on Scott’s face and the last bit of Scott’s anxiety melts away.

It’s just Ryan. He knows Ryan, he trusts him, he feels comfortable with him and over the last four years, there’s never been a time when their partnership hadn’t worked out well for both of them. There’s no reason to think that this will be any different.

Ryan must sense that Scott’s relaxed because he pulls back and carefully stares at him. “Ready?”

Scott nods. He could still talk if he wanted to, but he no longer needs his words. From now until he gets the power to use words back, Ryan will take care of him.

“Show me a sign,” Ryan says softly.

Scott holds up both hands, extending his thumbs and index fingers, showing Ryan he’s happy to continue.

Ryan gives him a hard kiss, then steps back. “Take your clothes off.”

Without making the conscious decision to do it, Scott finds his hands automatically stripping off his shirt and Ryan’s borrowed sweatpants, then pulling off his underwear and socks. He’d put on the thigh cuffs earlier because Ryan had wanted to make sure they were comfortable, and letting Scott wear both sets of cuffs beforehand let him get used to them.

He’s still in love with both sets of cuffs. They feel like warm, gentle hands holding his wrists and thighs.

“Kneel down and don’t move.”

Scott melts down to the carpeted floor, getting comfortable because he’s going to be here for a while. It’s wonderful that he knows exactly what’s going to happen.

He watches Ryan going to the chest of drawers and pulling one of them open. He takes his time taking out two carabiner clips, then steps back over to Scott, leans down and uses the clips to attach Scott’s wrist cuffs to the thigh cuffs.

As soon as they’re attached, Scott tries tugging on them and feels that he can’t move his hands more than a few inches in any direction. He certainly can’t get them up to his face to protect or defend himself if Ryan decides to hurt him.

But he doesn’t need to worry about that and he’s overwhelmed with the trust he feels in Ryan at this moment. He could undo the clips if he really tried and Ryan had made him practice a few times just to make sure Scott knew he could get loose if he really wants to, but it’s not easy. The thought that his hands are really restrained and he can’t use his hands brings a flood of arousal through him and his cock is already hard. And all Ryan had done was clip his hands to his thigh cuffs.

Jesus Christ, he might just die by the end of this, but what a way to go.

Out of nowhere, a hand is on his chin, lifting it up. Ryan’s looking down at him and Scott notices he’d taken off his clothes at some point.

Scott blinks up at him.

Ryan quirks a soft smile at him and rubs his thumb over his chin. “You’re starting to go under, huh?”

That’s a question that Scott doesn’t have to answer, which is good because his words have definitely left him.

Ryan loses his smile as he looks down at Scott very seriously. “Now remember: you can’t come until I say you can, right?”

That makes Scott’s cock stiffen even more, but he ignores it and manages to nod his head. He can’t come until Ryan tells him to, and that’s very good because Ryan will take care of him and Ryan knows when he should come. He’ll be good. Very, very good.

“You’ll be a good boy for me, won’t you?”

Oh, yes! He’ll definitely be that. Nodding frantically, he stares up at Ryan, hoping to convey how excited he is to be a good boy for him.

Ryan gives him a big smile in response. “Good.”

That makes Scott feel very proud of himself and he smiles back.

Ryan gently tangles his hand in Scott’s hair and pulls his head back. It hurts a bit and it feels so good and Scott lets out a groan as he lets Ryan move his head where he wants it.

Then Ryan’s leaning down and kissing him hard. Gradually, his grip in Scott’s hair tightens, increasing the pain. Oh, he’s definitely floating now. His cock is aching and he’s got Ryan’s tongue in his mouth, using his mouth in whatever way he wants and all Scott has to do is go along for the ride and enjoy the floating.

Ryan eventually pulls back and gently releases his hair, which makes Scott whine.

Smiling down at him, Ryan looks very happy. “Oh, you’re completely under now. Happily floating, huh? What a good boy. But I know what’ll make you even happier.”

He straightens up and gives his own cock a long, slow pull. Scott stares at his cock and he can barely breathe. He’ll get to have Ryan’s cock in his mouth soon! Oh, that’ll be amazing.

Ryan’s hand slowly tugs and rubs his cock and Scott watches it growing harder and thicker. Letting out a whine, Scott’s filled with desperate want. Bringing his other hand to Scott’s face, Ryan shoves his thumb into his mouth, which has been hanging open.

His lips close around Ryan’s thumb and he sucks on it, staring at Ryan’s cock and shaking with want.

“You want my cock, don’t you? You want me to fuck your mouth and stuff that greedy mouth full of cock.”

The only response he can give is a desperate moan.

Finally, Ryan pulls his thumb from Scott’s mouth and steps back to put on a condom. A little bit of disappointment twists in Scott’s gut when he realizes that he won’t get to taste Ryan’s cock and he won’t get to feel his cum in his mouth when he comes. But Ryan’s in charge, and Ryan’s decided to wear a condom, so Scott has to be a good boy and deal with it and everything will be fine.

Stepping closer to him, Ryan grabs Scott’s hair again and uses his other hand to rub the head of his latex covered cock over Scott’s lips.

Scott wraps his lips around Ryan’s cock and moans at the thick weight on his tongue and the stretch of his lips. He wishes he could taste his cock, not the latex covering it, but just having the weight of a cock in his mouth sends him floating again.

The hand in his hair tightens and the cock slowly slides in and out of his mouth. There’s nothing Scott can do to control the pace. His hands are restrained and Ryan’s got a tight grip on his head and Ryan’s just using his mouth.

The whole thing is amazing and Scott moans happily.

“You good, Scotty? Gimme a sign.”

He loves the feel of Ryan’s cock fucking his mouth. He has no idea how far or how—

But wait, the cock is being pulled out of his mouth. Scott lets out a whine and he wants to cry. He was doing a good job! He knows he was.

“Shhh, you’re being a good boy, Scotty. You’re being a very good boy, but when I ask you how you’re doing, you gotta answer me.” His chin is being raised up and he’s looking up at Ryan. “You can’t forget about that rule. That’s the most important one. You gotta gimme a sign when I ask.”

Right. The signs. That’s important, yes. The signs. He knows the signs. There’s three of them, and after he makes the right one, Ryan will hopefully put his cock back into Scott’s mouth. It takes tremendous effort, but he manages to get his index fingers and thumbs to form the shapes he needs.

Ryan glances down at his hands and smiles. “Good boy.”

Then Ryan’s guiding his cock back to his lips and Scott eagerly wraps his lips around it again. Jesus, he loves sucking cock. The feel of it in his mouth, the weight of it—and best of all, he knows when he’s doing a good job.

“You’re doing so good. Look at you, sucking my cock so well. You love having your mouth full of cock, don’t you? You’re a good little cock slut, aren’t you? So good.”

Scott groans at the praise and Ryan tightens his grip in his hair, sending another rush of heat through him. Then another hand is grabbing Scott’s chin and that’s a whole new level of amazing, because now he can’t move his head at all while Ryan thrusts his cock into his mouth and slips just a bit into his throat.

All he can do is kneel there and let Ryan fuck his mouth, going as deep as he wants and as fast as he wants. God, Scott loves it. He never wants this to end. This is the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to him and he wants to spend the rest of his life right here, having Ryan use his mouth however he wants.

“Jesus fucking Christ, you’re amazing. You’re just taking my cock. Fuck. And you’re such a slutty mess, you should see yourself. Chin covered in spit, drooling cause you love having your mouth stuffed with cock. You’re doing so good, I’m so proud of you.”

The praise makes him moan around the amazing cock in his mouth. He desperately hopes Ryan will come in his mouth. He really, really wants to have his cum flood his mouth and drip down his throat. He wants to feel Ryan thrusting his cock in his sticky, cum filled mouth—

The thrusting pace of the cock in his mouth speeds up and the grip of the hands in his hair and on his chin get tighter.

“You want me to come in your mouth, don’t you? Yeah, I know you do.”

The thrusting gets rougher and deeper, there’s the sound of somebody groaning and it all feels amazing. Then it gets even more amazing when the cock twitches—but sadly, there’s no cum, because he remembers that Ryan’s wearing a condom.

“Jesus, what a good boy.”

The praise wipes all thoughts of cum from his mind and he’s very proud of himself. He made Ryan come, he did a good job and Ryan’s happy.

The cock eventually stops and slides out of his mouth. He lets out a whine, his mouth feeling empty. He needs something back in his mouth, he needs something back in his mouth, he needs—

“Shhh, it’s okay, Scotty.” The voice that’s talking sounds very breathless. Then a thumb is sliding into his mouth and Scott happily sucks on it. “Jesus, your face is a mess, all covered in spit. You look beautiful, you know that?”

Scott moans at the praise, very proud of himself and happy that there’s something in his mouth again. He did good! He did so good!

The thumb leaves his mouth and that makes Scott sad again. He lets out a plaintive whine and opens his mouth, hoping something will come back to fill it.

“You need something in your mouth, don’t you? Jesus, I should have grabbed—here, how about this?”

And then there’s a gorgeous cock in front of his face and Scott happily wraps his lips around it, filling his mouth again. He can tell that it’s fake cock, but that makes little difference at this point.

A hand is on his chin and his face is being tilted up. “That’s better, huh? You feel good now?”

Scott manages to nod, happily sucking on the cock.

“Scotty, crawl to the bed. Don’t try to stand up, you’ll fall over. Can you do that?”

It takes a few seconds for Scott to understand what Ryan’s saying, but the order manages to penetrate the haze he’s in.

He gets on his hands and knees—it occurs to him that it’s bit strange that he can move his hands now, but it doesn’t really seem important enough to think about—and he follows Ryan towards the bed, sucking on the cock in his mouth as he goes.

Thankfully, the bed is close to the ground and it’s easy for Scott to climb up. His arms and legs seem to belong to somebody else…or something like that. In any case, he and his limbs manage to get onto the bed. Thankfully, the cock stayed safe and secure in his mouth during the trip, because that’s what’s most important.

“Lie down on your back.”

Scott lies down and stares up at the ceiling, rubbing the head of the fake cock with his tongue. His hands are picked up one by one and when he tries to pull on them, he realizes they’ve been attached to the bars making up the headboard.

He pulls against the restraints a little bit and feels that rush of arousal and joy flood through him when it dawns on him that his hands are well and truly stuck and he can’t move them more than a few inches.

Then his knees are being pulled up and spread apart, and another rush of excitement runs through him because he knows what this means! His mouth got fucked, and now his ass is gonna get fucked and he can’t wait.

Ryan grins at him. “You’re one happy guy, huh?”

Scott smiles around the cock in his mouth.

Chuckling, Ryan reaches over and gently thrust the cock into his mouth a few times, making Scott moan. “You wanna keep that in your mouth, don’t you? But I gotta take it out because I wanna hear all the beautiful sounds you’re gonna make when I play with your nipples and your greedy hole.”

That sounds wonderful, so Scott lets Ryan pulls the cock from his mouth. The emptiness feel strange, but he has no time to focus on it because Ryan shifts closer to him and runs his hands up his legs, brushing over the thigh cuffs and squeezing his legs.

Then Ryan’s hands slide over his stomach and up his chest, brushing over his nipples, up to his shoulders and down to his stomach again. The soothing hands increase their pressure and the heels of Ryan’s hands dig in as he rubs up his chest and over his nipples, letting him really feel it.

Scott groans and Ryan grins. The hands alternate between hard slides, then a bit of a sharp sting as fingernails follow the same path that the hands have already covered. Ryan’s hands are all over him and Scott just floats along, lost in the feeling of being touched everywhere, his skin becoming more sensitive the more Ryan touches him.

Then Ryan adds little pinches, right on his thighs, on the side of his ribs, the inside of his arm, and then thumbs are rubbing circles over his nipples.

“Feels good, huh? Having my hands all over you? I get to touch your gorgeous body however I want, don’t I? You’re being such a good slut for me.”

Moaning, Scott keeps looking at Ryan’s hands as they rub harder, pinch harder and scratch harder, leaving trails of tingling heat all over his skin.

“You good, Scotty? Gimme a sign.”

His hands automatically form themselves into the signs that will make Ryan keep going. Ryan bends over him with a smile and kisses him, then runs his tongue down Scott’s neck and kisses his way down to his stomach. Along the way, Ryan brings his hands back to Scott’s nipples and rubs them between his fingers. “Look at your pretty little nipples. Getting all hard for me. Let’s see how much you like having me play with them.”

The rubbing fingers suddenly tighten and pinch both of his nipples, sending a surge of heat and a bit of pain through Scott and he lets out a shout, straining up against the restraints keeping his hands pinned. He’s not wanting to get away from the wonderful mix of pain and pleasure, he wants to get closer to it.

The pinching fingers start tugging, first gently, then tugging harder and twisting and Scott can barely breathe it feels so good. He cries out and his legs are clutching Ryan’s sides.

The pressure on his nipples gradually lessens and wet, warm heat is on one of them. Looking down Scott sees Ryan sucking on the tight bud and it’s so sensitive now that he can feel every swipe of Ryan’s tongue, the gentle tug as his lips tighten around it and pull, and the amazing burst of pain when Ryan scrapes his teeth over it.

He’s keening and moaning and he desperately wants to move his hands, but only to keep Ryan’s mouth exactly where it is for the rest of eternity. As it is, all he can do is push his chest up and try to keep his nipples close to Ryan.

Ryan releases his nipple and Scott lets out a whine, but thankfully, Ryan’s just moving over to the other nipple to suck, lick and tug on that one too. His other nipple feels cold, but Ryan’s hand comes back to it, rolling the sensitive bud between his fingers and tugging on it in sharp pulls.

Scott’s settling into it when Ryan pulls back and flicks his fingers against both of his nipples, hard. The pain feels amazing and Scott’s making all kinds of sounds and God, he’s never felt this good in his entire life.

“You’re being such a good boy, Scotty. Such a good boy. Look at your amazing nipples. You love having me play with them, don’t you?”

Then Ryan’s hands get gentle again and thumbs are slowly rubbing over both nipples, while Ryan kisses his way across Scott’s chest, up his neck and covers his face with slow, light kisses.

“Fuck, you’re so gorgeous. Such an amazing boy, aren’t you?” Ryan murmurs into his ear and gently tugs on it with his teeth. “I think it’s time to give your cock some attention, don’t you? I’ve been ignoring the poor thing but you’ve been so good.”

Ryan’s sliding back down and one of Ryan’s hands keeps rubbing over his stomach and chest while a lubed hand wraps around Scott’s throbbing cock. Just having Ryan touching him is enough to make his breath catch and he’s seconds away from coming…and that can’t happen.

Scott doesn’t want come before Ryan tells him to and he wants to keep being a good boy and he doesn’t want this to be over and he doesn’t know if he can keep himself from coming if Ryan keeps touching his cock and…feeling frantic, he quickly crosses his index and middle fingers on both hands, praying that Ryan will see.

The hand on his cock releases, a hand’s on his chin and Ryan’s looking at him intently. “What’s going on?”

He’s trembling and gasping for breath, but he forces his shaking hands to spell out four letters, which is all he can manage right now.

C-O-M-E.

Ryan watches his hands intently, then smiles. “No, we don’t want that, do we? We’re not done yet and I didn’t tell you to come yet, did I? You wanna be a good boy and you only wanna come when I tell you, right?”

Scott nods frantically, so happy that Ryan gets it.

Kissing Scott on the lips, Ryan slides back down, but doesn’t touch his aching cock. “I’ll leave your cock alone for now. I’ll let it keep leaking all over you, making you filthy cause you look gorgeous like this. I think it’s time to stuff your greedy hole with cock.”

Scott groans happily and manages to unclench his tight grip on Ryan’s sides with his legs and spreads his knees further apart.

Ryan chuckles and runs his hands up and down Scott’s legs, kissing his thighs. “What a good slut. You want something in your ass, don’t you?”

Nodding frantically, Scott whines and whines and whines, and Ryan rewards him by sliding two slick fingers into his hole, thrusting deep. Scott’s whines change to a groan and he plants his feet on the bed so he can thrust down against those fingers, stretching his hole and loving the feel of being full.

“You want more, don’t you? Two fingers aren’t enough for this greedy hole.”

A third finger is nudging up against the other two.

“Fuck my fingers, Scotty. Show me what a greedy slut you are, come on.”

Moaning, Scott thrusts down on the fingers, loving the feeling of his hole being fucked, but also doing what Ryan told him to do. He’s being a very good slut, he knows it and he’s so proud of himself.

Ryan kisses his thigh. “Jesus Christ, Scotty. You’re amazing, you’re absolutely fucking amazing. You have no idea how hot you look right now. Covered in spit, your cock is leaking all over you, your hands are cuffed, you’re fucking my fingers so good and I know you love it.”

The praise makes Scott glow and he’d happily stay just like this for the rest of his life.

But then Ryan’s pulling his fingers out, which isn’t good. But before Scott can whine, the thick head of a cock is nudging at his rim and Scott eagerly shifts his ass down, trying to get it inside of him.

“Fuck,” Ryan says, his voice shaky.

When the thick head of the cock has slipped past his rim and Scott can feel the stretch as the rest of the hard cock slides in, he moans happily and clenches his ass around it.

“You ready? You’re gonna be such a good boy for this cock, right?”

Scott nods, smiling. The thick cock thrusts into him, deep and hard. He rolls his body against it, settling into the rhythm and it feels so damn good that he throws his head back and keens and gasps.

“Look at you, taking this cock so well. You love it, don’t you? Having your ass fucked; stuffed full of cock. What a good boy.”

Ryan’s words heighten his arousal and he’s having trouble breathing and there’s nothing else in his world except for Ryan’s voice and that cock fucking him.

Then his cock is wrapped in warm, tight grip and Scott looks down to see Ryan’s hand jerking his cock while he keeps thrusting the fake cock into his hole with his other hand. The heat of Ryan’s hand and all of the other sensations he’s feeling are sending him racing towards the edge again.

“I want you to come now, Scotty. Be a good boy and come.”

Scott moans at the order and he thrusts up into that tight grip and down against the cock stretching his ass and his breath catches with how good he feels.

Tension races through him and he’s clenching his fists as his body seizes up and he’s coming all over himself, his ass gripping the cock fucking him. He just keeps coming and coming and when he’s done, his legs give out and he collapses. Barely able to keep his eyes open, he’s gasping for breath and letting out small sounds.

Then Ryan’s staring down at him and he’s smiling a big, proud smile. “You did so good, Scotty! So good! I’m really proud of you.”

His face is covered with kisses but Scott can barely feel them. His arms are brought down and it feels very strange to move them.

Then hands are fiddling with the buckles on his warm, gentle wrist cuffs that are holding his wrists so lovingly and a sudden jolt of anxiety runs through him and he lets out a sob of fear. Please don’t take the warm, loving cuffs away! Please, please, please, please—

The hands that are unbuckling the cuffs freeze. “You wanna keep them on?”

Scott nods frantically. He doesn’t want to lose the cuffs. They’re warm, gentle hands that take care of him and he doesn’t want them to go.

“Okay, okay. Hush, Scotty. It’s okay, you can keep them on as long as you want. I won’t touch them, I promise.”

His face is covered in more kisses and his hands are released. Scott pulls his hands close to his chest so he can protect the cuffs if anybody tries to take them again. Another problem is that he’s falling. Fast. He’d been floating really high and he knows his fall is going to be brutal.

The emptiness in his mouth and ass feel like gaping voids, making Scott feel so lonely and like nobody loves him anymore. He’s shaking from the cold that’s seeping into his bones and he wants to cry at the sadness that’s filling his heart and dragging him under. The cuffs are a small comfort—warm hands gently wrapped around his wrists and thighs—a small reminder that maybe somebody does still love him, but it’s not nearly enough. But he was such a good boy! Why does this always happen? Why do people stop loving him so quickly? Why doesn’t he deserve to keep their love for longer?

A fluffy blanket is wrapped around him and he’s being pulled into a warm, solid chest. The sudden warmth is shocking, but he presses his face into the chest, feeling relieved. Oh, thank God!

Maybe—maybe there’s still somebody who loves him. Somebody who will take care of him and shatter that cold darkness that’s clutching his heart. The blanket is soft and warm, strong arms are wrapped around his back and he snuggles into the chest and the neck above it, desperately hoping that they don’t vanish and leave him alone again.

“It’s okay, Scotty. It’s all okay. You did so good and I’m so proud of you. I’m gonna take care of you, I promise. Here’s my fingers. You can have as many as you want.”

Then fingers are nudging at his lips and Scott is so grateful that he wants to cry. Once he opens his mouth, the fingers slip inside and he sucks happily. Those wonderful words, the warmth of the blanket and those arms around his back, and especially the fingers in his mouth all fill the emptiness that was trying to swallow him.

As he sucks on the fingers, his downward tumble slows to a gentle drop. He’s slowly floating down and that makes his panic stop. It allows him to think about who’s taking care of him and that’s when he realizes it’s Ryan.

He smiles around Ryan’s fingers, feeling unbelievably grateful to have him here. Ryan had reached out and grabbed Scott as he’d fallen headfirst into that dark abyss. Nobody’s ever done that before.

In fact, since Ryan’s helping him so much already, maybe Ryan will be willing to help him even more? His ass is clenching on nothing and the emptiness is still feeding the darkness and that’s not good. Should he tell Ryan? Will Ryan fix it?

“You’re doing so good, Scotty. I know you’re dropping and I know that’s scary, but I’m gonna take care of you. If you need anything, you can tell me.”

Well, there’s his answer. With great difficulty, he manages to untangle one of his hands and brings his hand close to his own face so he can see his own fingers and make sure they’re working properly.

He needs to concentrate and spell the words that will let Ryan know what the problem is. Shifting back a little bit, he keeps Ryan’s fingers in his mouth until he can see Ryan’s face. Ryan’s smiling down at him. “You okay?”

Scott holds up his hand and slowly spells out a few letters.

E-M-P-T-Y.

Ryan frowns. “Empty. But you’re sucking on…oh! Of course. You want something in your ass?”

Scott nods, anxiously staring at Ryan.

Ryan smiles. “We’ll fix that, don’t worry.” Then he frowns. “I don’t have…oh, how about the dildo? It’s not your plug, but I think that might help. What do you think?”

Sucking on Ryan’s fingers, Scott nods happily and slings one leg across Ryan’s, his hole twitching eagerly.

Ryan chuckles, which Scott can feel vibrate through both of their bodies, and Scott closes his eyes as he sucks on Ryan’s fingers, trusting that Ryan will help him.

Ryan shifts underneath him a bit, then Ryan’s hand is sliding along Scott’s thigh, pulling it up higher and lightly rubbing over his loose hole. His fingers are slick with lube and he’s gently rubbing them over his rim and sliding into his hole.

“There we go. We’ll get you nice and slick…and now we’ll get the cock back into you.”

Right on cue, the familiar blunt head of a fake cock is pressing against his hole and easily sliding into him, making Scott moan around Ryan’s fingers. The cock slides in, filling him up and Scott clenches down on it, relief making him sag against Ryan.

Warm lips kiss his forehead. “That’s a good boy. That feels better now, huh? You needed to be filled up again, didn’t you? What a good boy.”

Oh, now everything’s fantastic. He’s warm, he’s surrounded by the fluffy blanket and Ryan—who’s wonderful and will take care of him until he can use his words again—and he’s full everywhere.

Nobody’s ever taken care of him like this and it feels very overwhelming. In fact, this entire thing has been overwhelming and wonderful.

As he relaxes against Ryan, his mind gradually starts to come back down from outer space and he starts thinking over everything that’s happened today and how incredible it’s been.

He needs to tell Ryan. Bringing his hand back up, he taps it on Ryan’s face to get his attention while he keeps sucking on Ryan’s fingers.

“Hmm? What’s going on?”

Scott spells out ‘H-A-P-P-Y’, then leans back just far enough that he can see Ryan’s face.

Once Ryan understands the word, he grins and leans up to cover Scott’s face with kisses. “I’m happy too. That was amazing.”

Now that Scott’s told Ryan the important news, he burrows against Ryan’s warm chest and neck again, sucking on Ryan’s fingers and clenching his ass around the dildo. From time to time, Ryan’s hand slides over his ass and nudges the dildo, making sure it’s still filling Scott up the way he needs, then his arm always wraps around Scott’s back again, holding him tight. He can hear Ryan talking to him, telling him what a good boy he is, how proud he is of him, how amazing he is and the soothing words send him into sleep.


	10. Chapter 10

It takes Ryan ages to come out of domspace. He’s so overwhelmed with how much he loves Scott, how amazing the scene had been and how fantastic he feels. His body is shaking with adrenaline, joy and gratitude.

It’s a struggle to keep his grip on Scott gentle enough to allow him to sleep, while still being firm enough that it’s helping Scott. Ryan would prefer to cling to Scott as tightly as he can, but he doesn’t want to scare Scott.

He just keeps talking, talking, talking; the words flowing out of him with an ease he’s never experienced before.

Every word he says, every bit of his skin that’s touching Scott’s, every swipe of Scott’s tongue against his fingers, every little sigh or happy groan that Scott lets out makes the intensity of Ryan’s emotions sky-rocket again and he’s back to barely breathing from the way his heart’s racing.

He catches himself half a dozen times starting to say ‘I love you’, but he manages to grab hold of the last word before it slips out and changes it to other things.

Jesus, he’s completely screwed.

But he also knows he’ll never give this up, despite knowing that heart break is waiting at the other end. Until Scott’s tired of him or finds a dom he likes better, Ryan will be here. Once that happens, it’ll kill him, but until that happens, he’ll cherish every single second.

* * *

When Scott blinks his eyes open again, he still feels warm and safe, but he’s back on level ground. Slowly, he pulls his mouth off Ryan’s fingers. He’s also sweating, so he shoves the thick blanket off his back.

“Hey, Scotty. Welcome back to planet Earth,” Ryan says quietly.

Scott smiles and rubs his face on Ryan’s chest. “Hi. Nice to be here.” His throat and mouth are really dry and he needs water, but he’s too comfortable to move.

Ryan chuckles and wraps both his arms around Scott's back and rubs gently. “You want me to pull the dildo out?”

Oh. Right. He can’t remember asking Ryan to put the dildo into him, but it’s definitely in there…which means he hadn’t managed to hide his pathetic need to stay filled up and he’d whined and complained until Ryan had shoved the dildo back into him, because apparently, Scott can’t live without having a phallic shaped object shoved up his ass multiple times a day. Jesus.

Hot embarrassment makes his stomach twist. Shit. It’s bad enough that Ryan knows about Scott’s need to stuff his ass with something while he sleeps, but having Ryan know that he needs the same thing right after sex is even worse. Fuck, Scott never wanted Ryan to find out about his disgusting sec—

“Hey, none of that. Don’t get embarrassed about it. The only thing you should feel a little bad about is not telling me about it earlier. I could have helped you without you wasting your time asking for it and I could have prepped your plug, which would have worked better than the dildo. But anyway, now we’re on the same page and we can plan better for next time. There’s nothing embarrassing about this.”

Scott clenches his jaw as he reaches down and fumbles to pull the dildo out. He shifts his leg off Ryan and Ryan’s arms slide off his back. He’s so grateful for what Ryan did for him, but he still can’t believe he gets so ridiculously needy. He’s such a stupid freak.

His chin is raised and Ryan’s giving him a soft smile and gently kissing him. “I loved every second of it. Taking care of you is amazing and I’m so honored you let me do that.”

Scott closes his eyes during the kisses so he doesn’t have to look at him. Ryan rolls them so Scott’s lying on the pillows and Ryan leans over him, slowly kissing his face. He nudges Scott’s nose with his own. “I know you’re embarrassed, but I’m not weirded out and I don’t think any different of you now than I did yesterday.”

Opening his eyes, Scott stares up at him. He studies Ryan’s face and sees nothing but honesty. There’s a little concern, but no trace of anything else. It makes a little bit of hope light up in Scott’s chest. “Really?”

“Really. I promise.”

Ryan kisses him some more and Scott kisses him back, soaking up the comfort and reassurance that Ryan’s trying to give him.

Pulling back, Ryan nuzzles his cheek. “You want some water? And you want me to clean you up a bit?”

That makes Scott feel embarrassed again, but for a different reason. For some reason, the thought of Ryan wiping his ass makes him feel dirty, despite everything else they’d together today. “Yeah on the water, but I can clean myself up. You don’t have to do it. It’s—you don’t have to.”

Ryan frowns down at him. “I know I don’t have to. I want to. If you don’t want me to, that’s fine.”

“No, I really do want you to, but I…” God, does he want Ryan taking care of him. He really wants him to. But he wanted to suck on Ryan’s fingers and now he wants Ryan to clean him up and—

“Scotty, look at me.”

With difficulty, Scott looks at Ryan, shame making him flush.

Leaning down, Ryan kisses him hard and looks at him very seriously. “Don’t you dare get embarrassed about any of this. I think taking care of you after sex is amazing and if you think it’s weird, that makes me weird. In fact, we can apply that to all of this: I think it’s really fucking hot that you wanna suck on my fingers and want something in your ass after we have sex. So if you think it’s weird, that means you think we’re both weird. And that hurts my feelings.”

To emphasize his point, Ryan sticks his lower lip out and puts on a fake sad face.

Scott bursts out laughing and his embarrassment melts away. It’s just Ryan. Just him and Ryan. Fuck his anxiety. He never has to worry about being embarrassed around him. Grabbing Ryan, Scott rolls them over and kisses Ryan hard, pressing him into the pillows. Ryan groans into the kiss and wraps his arms around Scott’s back.

The feel of arms wrapped around him remind Scott how much he’d loved being surrounded by Ryan earlier and he desperately wants to get back to that. But first, he really does need water and to clean his ass. Pulling back, he glances around. “Where’s the water?”

“Let me.”

“It’s okay, I can get it. I know you don’t mind and I really believe that, but I’m fine. I can do it.”

Ryan makes a face and Scott frowns down at him. “What?”

“Taking care of subs after a scene is really important to me. Even after they come down from subspace. If you don’t want—”

Scott smiles and presses his fingers to Ryan’s lips. Then he rolls off him and sprawls out on the bed. “Please get me water, Ryan. And please clean my ass. And please cuddle with me.”

Ryan laughs and throws the blanket off their legs. “Thank you for indulging me.”

Scott snorts. “Isn’t that the point of all this? Us indulging each other? And don’t worry, you cuddling me for a few more hours won’t be you indulging me. I’d literally pay you to keep cuddling me.”

Leaning over, Ryan grabs the water bottle from the bedside table and lies down, holding out his arms. “Cuddling can re-start right now.”

Chuckling, Scott rolls into Ryan’s arms and lets Ryan arrange him so Scott’s sitting between his legs, leaning against his chest. Ryan helps him drink and uses a moist cloth to gently wipe the dried cum off his stomach. Kissing his shoulder, Ryan taps him on the hip. “Roll over.”

Scott rolls over and sprawls out over Ryan’s chest, spreading his legs when Ryan squeezes his thighs and parts them. Feeling the cloth gently wiping up his crack, he doesn’t feel any embarrassment, unlike earlier. He’s just content and grateful that Ryan’s taking care of him like this.

“There we go. All clean. Anywhere else?”

Scott shakes his head. “I’m good.”

“Want some chocolate? More water?”

“I just wanna cuddle for a while.”

“One long cuddle, coming up,” Ryan says, taking a long drink from the bottle, then leaning over to put the cloth and bottles back on the table. Sliding back down the bed, he brings Scott down with him. Once Ryan’s made himself comfortable on the pillow, Scott snuggles closer to him and Ryan wraps his arms around his back.

“You want the blanket back?”

“Only up to my ass. Please.”

Ryan shifts around and the blanket is draped over his legs and ass before Ryan’s arms are on his back again, rubbing gently.

“So I wanted to say I’m really proud of you for using the signs,” Ryan tells him. “I know it’s not easy when your brain’s floating in outer space, but you did really good. We won’t have to use signs a lot once we get to know each other better, but for now, it’s really important.”

Scott smiles into Ryan’s chest, happy to be praised.

“And good job telling me to slow down when I touched your cock that time.”

Scott frowns, feeling a bit apprehensive. “You’re not mad that I made you change your plans?”

“Mad? Of course not. I didn’t want you coming right then anyway. I had no idea your cock was so sensitive so I’ll watch for that. Are you okay if I don’t touch your cock a lot during a scene?”

Scott nods. “Yeah. I like only coming when you tell me to but I don’t like feeling stressed about it. If you don’t touch my cock until the end, or not at all, that’ll work out much better.”

“You can come on command?”

Scott shrugs. “Sometimes. If things are going really well, then yes. But if something’s stressing me out then I’m too distracted and I get stuck, but I’m not worried about that with you. So yeah, that won’t be a problem.”

Ryan lets out a long breath. “Fuck, that’s hot. We’re definitely gonna see if you can do it and if you do, I’ll probably die right then and there.”

Chuckling, Scott rubs his face against Ryan’s chest. Coming untouched and on command had never been something those assholes commented on, but he can see how it would be ego-boosting for a dom who actually cares about the sub they’re with.

One of Scott’s hands is in his eye line and he’s staring at the leather cuff. The cuffs feel so nice on his wrists and his thighs, but Ryan might want his equipment back now. “I should take the cuffs off, huh?” He mumbles against Ryan’s chest, hoping he doesn’t sound as sad about it as he feels.

Ryan’s hands don’t stop moving on his back. “You can take them off whenever you want. They’re yours.”

“So I can wear them until I go home?”

“You can wear them wherever you want. I meant it, they’re yours, just like your plug. You can take them home or leave them here, whatever you want.”

Scott feels overwhelmed with excitement at the thought that he can wear the cuffs whenever he wants…but Ryan’s generosity is way too much. “You don’t have to keep giving me your stuff just cause I’m being whiney, Harris. These must have been expensive.”

“Making you happy is priceless, so I’m still saving money.”

Scott chuckles and smacks Ryan gently on the chest. “You’re really not as funny as you think you are.”

“But you always laugh, so I guess that means you have really bad taste in jokes, huh?”

“You’re trying to change the damn subject.”

Ryan laughs and tightens his arms around Scott so he can roll them over and look down at him, framing Scott’s face with his arms. “Yes, Detective Jenkins. Good job on detecting that.”

“I meant it. I don’t wanna make you—”

“You’re not _making_ me do anything. I gave you the plug and the cuffs and it’s up to you to decide what you do with them from now on. You can leave them here and never touch them again, but they’re still yours. The ownership of the cuffs has been transferred, just like the ownership of the plug. End of story.”

Scott smiles up at him, his heart glowing. Leaning up, he kisses Ryan softly. “Thank you,” he whispers.

“You’re welcome,” Ryan whispers back and nudges his nose with his own before kissing him some more.

Feeling the warm press of Ryan’s chest against his own, Scott wraps his arms around Ryan’s back and tugs him closer so he’s lying on top of him, a reassuring weight pressing him into the mattress.

It feels amazing to be surrounded by Ryan’s warmth, his kindness, his gentleness. The black leather cuffs are wrapped around his wrists as he’s clinging to Ryan’s back and that adds to the overwhelming feeling of…so many things different things.

He’s loved every single second of what’s happened since he’d stepped foot into this room. Ryan had given him exactly what he’d wanted. He’d been so kind and amazing. He’d checked on how Scott was feeling and he’d taken the time to understand what Scott was saying when he couldn’t use his words.

Afterwards, Ryan hadn’t just thrown Scott out or shoved him into a corner. He’d given Scott his warmth, his fingers, his kisses, his comfort and done everything possible to make Scott come down safely and feel good. And now, he can cling to Ryan as long as he wants, wearing the cuffs he loves.

He’s trembling and he’s tightened his grip on Ryan, feeling like he can’t get enough of the skin-to-skin contact.

“Scotty? What’s going on?” Ryan mumbles against his chest.

Scott’s clenching his jaw, overwhelmed by everything that’s happened. He’s feeling so many amazing things, but at the same time, it’s not enough and he wants it to keep going forever. He’s also come to a very upsetting realization: what if this was a one-off and Ryan won’t want to do this again? Scott has no idea how he’ll move on with life.

Ryan shifts, struggling to move against the tight grip Scott has on him, but he manages to twist his head enough to look at Scott. “Talk to me. What’s wrong?”

“I wanna keep touching you. And having you touch me.”

Ryan smiles softly and kisses his chest. “We can stay here as long as you want, I promise. This is one of my favorite things in the world.”

Scott blinks hard and a few tears run down his face. Ryan’s fingers gently brush the tears away, which is good because Scott doesn’t want to loosen his grip to do it himself.

“I think you’re touch-starved,” Ryan says softly. “But I’m very happy to be your medicine.”

Scott can tell that Ryan’s desperately trying to cheer him up, but it’s all reminding Scott of how bad his previous experiences had been and how he never wants to go back to that.

“I—” Tears are clogging his throat and making it hard to talk.

“Let’s roll over, okay? I’m not gonna stop touching you, but I want you breathing normally if you’re upset.”

Scott numbly lets Ryan roll them over. He has to pull his hands off Ryan’s back once Ryan’s on the mattress so the cuffs don’t dig into his back, but thankfully, Ryan wraps himself around Scott, holding him tightly against him. Both his arms are on Scott’s back and one of Ryan’s legs is slung across his ass, and the other is over his legs, his entire body wrapped around Scott and pressing them together.

It’s a bit easier to breathe like this and Scott quietly cries into Ryan’s chest, while Ryan rubs his back and runs his hand up his neck to his hair, gently rubbing his scalp, keeping him firmly pressed against Ryan’s warm skin.

“Here, hang on.” Ryan shifts a bit and a tissue appears in front of Scott’s face and wipes his nose and eyes as he cries.

“I’m sorry,” Scott chokes out in a mumble.

“Hush,” Ryan says, kissing his head and tightening his arms and legs around him. “You’re indulging me, remember?”

Scott manages to laugh through his tears. He’s so grateful that Ryan’s letting him be ridiculous, but that reminds him again how things had been in the past and how maybe this is the only time he’ll get to have this. “I just didn’t—I didn’t know it could be like this,” he whispers against Ryan’s chest.

The tissue and Ryan’s hands touch his face, wiping away more tears.

“This is how it should be all the time. What those assholes did to you was abuse.”

Scott scoffs through his tears. “No, it wasn’t. I’m the one who asked for that. I told them I didn’t have hard limits and I didn’t tell them what I needed or wanted. I’m the idiot who put myself into that situation. I’m not mad at them, I’m mad at myself.”

“They should have—no, you know what? We’re not gonna talk about those assholes right now. Besides, you never have to worry about that happening ever again because I’m gonna take care of you from now on.”

Abruptly, Scott freezes and he forgets to breathe. “You—we can do this again?” He hates that his voice sounds so pathetic and hopeful, but he can’t help it. This is a big deal for him. A very big deal.

Ryan’s arms tighten, then the hand close to him drops the tissue and its fingers tilt his chin up so he’s looking up at Ryan. “We can do this as many times as we want. You hear me? I love—that was the best scene I’ve ever had with anyone and if you’re happy with how it went, then we’re gonna be awesome together.”

Scott grins, his heart glowing. “Well, it was okay, I guess.”

Ryan laughs, which vibrates through Scott. As he laughs, Ryan gently smacks him on the ass, then resumes rubbing his back. “Smart ass.”

“That’s me.”

Ryan keeps laughing and scoots down on the bed so he can kiss Scott, keeping himself wrapped around him and kissing the rest of the tears off his cheeks.

Smiling and feeling happier than he’s ever felt in his life, Scott kisses him back and feels himself relax again.

* * *

Things don’t stop being amazing for the rest of the day. During dinner, Ryan had casually remarked that he’s fine with Scott staying over Saturday night, or even the rest of the weekend. Scott had struggled to hide the huge grin on his face and he’d tried to react casually, but he’d probably failed. Thankfully, Ryan hadn’t commented on it.

After dinner, they’re sprawled out on opposite sides of the couch, watching a movie. Unfortunately, Scott can’t focus on the movie because his eyes keep sliding over to Ryan. He desperately wants to crawl on top of Ryan and have Ryan hold him again.

But he’d already done the annoying burr routine once today and that’s enough. Doing it when he’s still coming down after sex is justified, but wanting to do it when they’re just watching a movie is pathetic and Ryan will think it’s annoying. Scott doesn’t want to do anything that will jeopardize Ryan’s permission for Scott to spend the rest of the weekend at his apartment, so he’s going to stay on his side of the couch and clutch the couch cushions he’s sitting on so he doesn’t lose control and grab Ryan.

* * *

Ryan’s barely paying attention to the movie. It’s one of their favorites, but he can’t settle down and enjoy himself because it’s clear that Scott’s struggling with something. He’d been fine when they’d first sat down, but he’s gotten tense and has an unhappy frown on his face that he’s trying to hide. Seeing Scott like that makes Ryan’s heart ache and he wants to reach over and pull Scott into his arms very badly.

But the sensible part of his brain tells him that wouldn’t be a good idea. Touching Scott without consent is still a big no-no right now, especially when Scott’s feeling anxious about something. At the same time, Ryan’s hoping that today has reassured Scott enough about Ryan’s feelings towards him and he’ll feel comfortable talking about what’s bothering him.

But as the minutes tick by and neither of them concentrate on the movie and Scott gets more tense and clutches the couch cushions beneath him, Ryan realizes that Scott’s not there yet. But that’s okay. If Scott needs help, Ryan will always step in.

Glancing Scott over, Ryan tries to figure out what’s wrong. Scott keeps glancing over at Ryan with a longing look on his face and before he’d grabbed the couch cushions, his hands had kept twitching.

His throat getting tight, Ryan realizes what Scott wants but is too afraid to ask for. “Scotty?”

“Hmm?” Scott’s voice is tense and unhappy.

“I’m getting cold.”

That makes Scott frown with concern and stare at him. “You want me to turn up the thermostat? Or grab you a blanket?”

Ryan smiles softly, touched by Scott immediately pushing his own struggles aside to help Ryan with his fake problem. “That would be nice. I’d also like a Scotty blanket on top of me. If there’s one available. If not, then I’ll settle for a normal blanket.”

He’s not cold at all and sitting under a blanket would be miserable, but he wanted to give Scott the choice over how much physical contact he wants to engage in.

Scott’s eyes widen and his jaw clenches as he stares at Ryan, his eyes filled with desperation. That’s when Ryan knows he’d guessed right.

“You…you wanna cuddle?” Scott asks.

Ryan smiles. “I’m always up for cuddling. Especially with a Scotty blanket. But only if you want to.”

Scott tears his eyes off Ryan and stares at the television. “I…”

“We don’t have to. I can grab myself a blanket and I’ll be fine. But if you wanna cuddle, I’d be very open to that.”

Letting out a pained sound, Scott squeezes his eyes shut but doesn’t respond.

That’s not the reaction Ryan thought Scott would have and his heart squeezes at Scott’s pain. It’s instinct to slide closer to Scott and reach out, but Ryan manages to stop himself before he touches him. “Scotty? Can I touch you?”

Scott nods, but doesn’t open his eyes.

Moving slowly, Ryan wraps his arms around Scott and pulls Scott’s face into his chest, rubbing his back. As if a switch flipped inside of him, Scott presses himself against Ryan, tangling his hands in Ryan’s shirt. He’s probably not even aware he’s doing it.

Kissing the side of Scott’s head, Ryan holds him tight. “Please tell me what’s wrong. I wanna help and I hate seeing you in pain, you know that.”

Scott lets out a long breath, warming Ryan’s chest through his shirt. “I wanna cuddle.”

“Okay. We’re on the same page with that, trust me.”

“But…I hate doing the pathetic burr thing and—”

Ryan frowns. “What burr thing?”

“I…hate clinging to people like that. It’s pathetic. Nobody likes having a burr stuck to them.”

Ryan clenches his jaw and he takes a deep breath to push down the rage he feels against the assholes who had made fun of Scott’s need for physical contact. “You’re not a burr.”

Scott scoffs against his chest. “I cling—”

“You’re _not_ a burr. Burrs are annoying, prickly things that nobody likes. I like you and I don’t think you’re annoying. Prickly? Sure, sometimes. But the rest of it isn’t true.”

The problem is a lot deeper than that. Scott’s tendency to call himself nasty names and be cruel to himself is really upsetting to Ryan, but he knows this isn’t something Scott can just stop doing if Ryan asks him to. In fact, if Ryan makes a big deal out of it, Scott may feel guilty over his inability to stop those negative thoughts and he may go back to not telling Ryan what’s going on in his head. That would be moving them in the wrong direction. But if Ryan can move Scott in the right direction with copious amounts of praise and love while holding his hand and gently pulling him along, he’ll do it.

Scott doesn’t respond to his assessment of the burr issue, which hopefully means he’s listening. Kissing the side of Scott’s head, Ryan smiles. “You’re actually an octopus.”

Scott snorts. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Sure it does. An octopus is really smart and if an octopus decides to wrap its arms around something, it means the octopus thought long and hard about it and decided that’s what it wants to do. It’s a God damn privilege to be hugged by an octopus.”

“That sounds really dumb, Harris.”

Ryan shrugs. “Whatever. I like it.”

Scott sighs softly against his shirt. “So…if the octopus decided it wants to cuddle with you, then that would be okay?”

“Yep. It’s actually flattering. It means the octopus decided I’m a good cuddling choice.”

That makes Scott chuckle and he relaxes a bit, which is good progress.

Ryan pulls back from him and gives him a smile. “So? Is there an octopus available?”

Scott’s smiling too and he looks really happy. “Yeah.”

“Excellent.” Sliding back, Ryan stretches himself out on the couch and holds his arms open. To his relief, Scott doesn’t hesitate as he crawls on top of Ryan and sprawls out, sighing softly as he digs his hands a little underneath Ryan’s back and rubs his face on Ryan’s shirt.

Ryan wraps his arms around his back and slings one of his legs across the back of Scott’s.

Scott’s tension drains out of him and he lets out a soft, happy sound. Maybe he’s not even aware he made the sound.

For his part, Ryan can’t stop smiling. Holding Scott like this and feeling him relax against him is one of the most incredible feelings he’s ever felt.

* * *

After a while, Ryan realizes Scott’s fallen asleep. It’s still too early for Ryan to be tired, but Scott’s still exhausted from his weeks of sleeping badly so Ryan lets him sleep. Now that Scott’s happy and Ryan isn’t worried about him anymore, he returns his focus to the movie and watches it until the end while Scott quietly snores against his chest.

* * *

Waking Scott up after the movie’s over sucks, but it’s necessary. Scott makes unhappy grumbling noises and rubs his face over Ryan’s chest, but Ryan gets him to agree that they should get up and get ready for bed.

Once they’re done their evening routine, Ryan’s changing into his pajamas in his bedroom while Scott’s already lying on the bed.

Ryan’s desperate to spend the night with Scott, but he doesn’t want to put any pressure on him. Which means he has to try really hard to keep his tone casual when he asks Scott where he wants Ryan spending the night.

Scott stares at him, chewing on his lip, but he doesn’t answer right away. That tells Ryan that he’s struggling over how to respond, but Ryan sternly reminds himself not to be too hopeful. “I’m fine sleeping in either room. You just tell me what you’re comfortable with.”

“I…would love it if you stayed. But I’ll probably do the bu—octopus thing for a while. If you don’t want me doing that, that’s fine, but sometimes—”

“I’m always happy to cuddle, especially with you. So that’s not a deal breaker.” In fact, he’d be very happy to fall asleep holding Scott, but…that would be putting pressure on Scott.

Scott looks hopeful. “Yeah?”

“Absolutely. But it’s your choice. You getting a good night’s rest is what’s most important to me.”

That makes Scott smile. “I think I just finished proving that playing an octopus really helps me sleep.”

Ryan grins. “So…can I stay?”

Scott’s smile grows bigger and he’s nodding. “Yeah. Please.” Shifting over on the bed, Scott pats the mattress. “The bed and the octopus are ready when you are.”

Despite his efforts to be calm about the whole thing, Ryan can’t stop grinning and his heart’s racing as he climbs into his bed and lies down.

Smiling at him, Scott stays sitting up and staring down at him. To make the invitation perfectly clear, Ryan holds his arms open. “I’m ready to spend time with my octopus, whenever the octopus is ready.”

His eyes are sparkling and Scott chuckles, but he’s reaching over to the bedside table and opening the drawer. “Just hold on. The octopus needs his plug.”

The sudden reminder that Scott’s about to put Ryan’s plug into himself because being filled with Ryan’s plug helps him feel good sends a rush of adrenaline through Ryan. His cock stirs as he remembers the many, many times he’d fantasized about Scott lying on his bed and sliding the plug into himself or better yet—letting Ryan put it in for him.

Jesus, he wants to put the plug into Scott so badly. Being the one to give Scott that intimate comfort would be amazing.

“Ryan?” Scott’s voice is a bit strained and when Ryan looks at him, he notices that Scott’s pulled his hand back from the bedside table and he’s clutching the blanket.

“I…don’t have to…I can go to the bathroom to put it in…? Or I can try sleeping without it, if it makes you uncomfortable.”

Ryan’s heart’s racing and his cock is rock hard, arousal surging through him. He’s having difficulty breathing, but Scott’s uncertainty makes him realize that he’s giving Scott the wrong impression and he’s making Scott uncomfortable.

Briefly closing his eyes and taking a deep, shaky breath to calm down, Ryan pushes back the intense feelings that are pulsing through him.

“Ryan?”

Fuck, Scott sounds even more anxious and Ryan hates himself a little bit. Finally, Ryan opens his eyes. “Sorry. It’s not you, it’s me.”

Scott gives him a look, but he looks sad. “Uh huh. Sure.”

Jesus Christ, Harris! Struggling to sit up, Ryan ignores his aching cock and focuses on Scott. “No, I’m serious. Sorry, I’m acting like an idiot.”

“If me wearing the plug makes you uncomfortable, then I can try sleeping without it. I—”

“No, no, no. That’s—the exact opposite of my…problem.”

Scott frowns and Ryan struggles to think of a way to explain the situation without coming across as a horny dom who’s desperately in love with Scott and is getting ridiculously turned on at the thought of doing things for Scott that would be crossing the lines that they’ve established. “I…always thought you wearing the plug is really hot. I forgot about that and I got…distracted when you mentioned it.”

That makes Scott’s smile return and it’s a bit of a smirk. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. And…I had an inappropriate thought that would be crossing the line and wouldn’t be okay, but that thought threw me for a bit of a loop. But I’m okay now.” Well, not really. “Actually, I…may have to wait outside while you put the plug in. But that’s my problem, not yours.”

“What was the inappropriate thought?”

Ryan stares at him but Scott’s staring back, still smiling. Seeing that bit of confidence makes Ryan calm down a little more. Scott’s not freaking out and he’s not misinterpreting the situation. All of that is fantastic and before he can stop himself, Ryan’s blurting out words that he’d promised to keep to himself. “I’d really, _really_ love to get your permission to put the plug into you.”

Scott blinks and his smile disappears, but his eyes darken with heat. “Okay.”

Then it’s Ryan’s turn to blink and he wants to slap himself. Jesus fucking Christ, Harris! Just because Scott doesn’t understand where the lines should be doesn’t mean it’s okay for Ryan to walk all over them. Fuck! “No, it’s not okay. That’s…not okay. I shouldn’t be having those thoughts in the first place and I really shouldn’t have said anything to you. Doing that would be…really intimate and that’s not something we agreed upon.”

Scott frowns. “We’re agreeing on it now.”

Ryan sighs. “It…doesn’t feel appropriate.”

“If it makes you uncomfortable, then we won’t do it. But I’d really love that and if you would too, then there’s no problem.”

Indecision clawing at him, Ryan stares at Scott. If there were a trace of hesitation or discomfort on Scott’s face, Ryan would shove this whole idea out of his head permanently. But Scott looks completely fine.

Taking a deep breath, Ryan presses his lips together. “Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.” Then Scott chuckles. “It’s actually nice. You’d think you were getting tired of shoving things up my ass.”

Ryan laughs. “Like that would ever happen.”

“Then we make a really good team because I’m happy to give you the opportunity to do it anytime, anywhere until you _do_ get tired of it.”

Staring at Scott, Ryan stops laughing. “That’s never gonna happen either.”

They stare at each other for a long moment, before Scott snorts. But then he lies down and shoves the blanket off himself before pulling his pajama bottoms off. “Ready when you are.”

Seeing Scott taking his pants off so casually and lying on the bed, waiting for Ryan to get him the plug makes the adrenaline surge back through him and he rolls up to his knees and reaches for the bedside table drawer before he’s even aware of it.

When he’s taken out the plug and the lube, he kneels between Scott’s legs. Without being asked, Scott pulls his knees up and spreads his legs farther apart. His cock is a little stiff and Scott has that joyful smile that Ryan loves so much.

Seeing Scott in such a submissive position despite sex not being part of this makes Ryan’s blood heat up again. He wants to crawl on top of Scott and cover every inch of him with his own body. He wants to fill Scott up with his cock and spend hours fucking him. He wants to kiss and touch every part of him.

“Ryan?”

“Hmm?”

“I’m probably gonna get turned on a bit.”

Ryan chuckles, his voice strained as he coats his finger in lube. “I beat you to it.”

Scott laughs. “Yeah, I noticed that. And I really want your cock in me, but I’m tired.”

Hearing Scott sounding worried about it makes Ryan lose his laughter. “I won’t turn this into a sex thing, I promise. It’ll stay platonic. Well, as platonic as shoving sex toys up somebody’s ass can be.”

That makes Scott smile and he relaxes a bit. When Ryan gently rubs his fingers over his twitching hole, Scott lets out a soft sound and his ass shifts a bit, rubbing against Ryan’s fingers.

Ryan would love to spend hours fingering Scott, but that would turn Scott on and it would drive Ryan crazy and that’s not what this is about. Scott’s trusting him to keep things on track, so that’s what Ryan will do.

Gently sliding two fingers into Scott, Ryan thrusts his fingers in and out of him, making Scott let out a quiet whine as his eyes drop closed.

It’s on the tip of Ryan’s tongue to praise Scott and point out how good he’s doing and how gorgeous he looks…but that would probably tip Scott into subspace and that’s not what this is about. But Ryan can’t stop staring at Scott. His arms are sprawled out on the bed and he’s completely relaxed, his eyes closed and his lips parted as he keeps letting out soft, happy sounds.

Adrenaline is racing through Ryan and he feels so overwhelmed with emotion that his hands are shaking. He can’t believe Scott’s letting him do this. In a way, this feels more intimate than any of the sex they’ve had. Whether Scott’s realized it or not, he’s willingly put himself into a very submissive position and he’s letting Ryan take care of him as if Ryan were his dom and Ryan’s overcome with how grateful he is for this gift. He knows better than anyone that Scott doesn’t trust people easily, especially when it comes to sexual issues.

But here they are. Scott’s sprawled out on the bed, naked from the waist down, his ass fully exposed and he’s completely relaxed as he lets Ryan gently finger him and get him ready for Ryan’s plug. What’s even more amazing is that Scott’s eyes are closed, demonstrating how much he trusts Ryan. And that’s…incredible.

Ryan could really stay here all night, adrenaline and emotions keeping him awake, but he reminds himself that Scott’s tired and needs sleep.

When Ryan gently pulls his fingers out, Scott lets out a sad whine and he frowns as his eyes open a sliver.

“Shh, it’s okay. I’m getting the plug ready,” Ryan tells him, reaching for the plug.

And amazingly, that makes Scott’s frown turn into a small smile and he closes his eyes again…which makes Ryan clutch the plug so hard that his hand aches. He’s so overwhelmed with emotion that he’s on the verge of tears, which is ridiculous.

He concentrates on coating the plug with lots of lube and presses it against Scott’s hole, gently pushing it in as Scott lets out a groan and opens his eyes a bit.

When the plug is fully in, Scott clenches down on it before his body goes limp, his eyes closing and his face relaxing. “Oh, that feels so damn good,” he mumbles. He’s slurring his words a bit, which means he’s floating a little.

In contrast to Scott’s relaxed state, Ryan’s shaking—incredibly turned on and wanting to clutch Scott and burst into tears all at the same time. He can’t believe Scott trusted him enough to let him do this for him.

Blinking and drawing in shaky breaths, Ryan puts the lube away and grabs Scott’s pajama bottoms. “You want your pants back on?”

Scott shakes his head. Or rather, his head shifts in various directions, but he seems to be shaking his head. “No. Less you’re no…comf.”

Ryan thinks that roughly translated to ‘No, unless you’re not comfortable’. He wants to laugh at Scott’s concern. The idea of Scott wanting to sleep without pants on with Ryan’s plug inside him while Ryan’s holding him is as far from uncomfortable as one can get. Well, except for his poor cock. That’ll be uncomfortable for the rest of the night. Or possibly, the rest of Ryan’s life because he’s never going to recover from this.

“I’m fine,” he chokes out.

Scott mumbles something in reply that Ryan can’t understand, but it doesn’t seem urgent. Pulling up the blanket, Ryan lies down and the moment he’s close to Scott, Scott opens his eyes a bit and shifts towards him.

Smiling softly, Ryan knows what Scott wants and helps him sprawl out on top of Ryan. Scott slings one leg over Ryan’s and lets out a happy whine as he nuzzles Ryan’s shirt and presses his nose against it, breathing in deeply. Scott’s knee brushes Ryan’s stiff cock and he has to tighten his arms around Scott and breathe hard so he doesn’t come right then and there.

But his cock isn’t his only problem. Clenching his jaw, Ryan’s still struggling not to cry at the continuous displays of trust that Scott’s giving him. Sliding his hands down Scott’s back, Ryan rubs his fingers over the plug and makes sure it’s still sitting right—which makes Scott groan as he relaxes against Ryan.

Wrapping his arms around Scott, Ryan kisses the top of his head. “Thank you,” he chokes out.

“Fo…wha…?”

“For letting me put the plug into you. I know that sounds stupid, but it really means a lot to me. I’m happy the octopus chose me.”

Scott lets out a little giggle and mumbles something in reply.

Within a few minutes, Scott’s fallen asleep.

As for Ryan—he feels like he’s the luckiest guy in the universe.

* * *

Scott can’t believe how much better he’s feeling after the weekend. Every single aspect of his life has improved dramatically, and he has Ryan to thank for all of it.

Sleeping with Ryan’s plug inside him helps him sleep much better, even better than his original plug had and sleeping at Ryan’s apartment makes it even better. Sleeping in Ryan’s bed, being held by Ryan with Ryan’s plug inside him made him sleep like a log all Saturday night and Sunday night. Ryan had to shake Scott awake on Monday morning because he’d slept straight through the alarm.

The whole sleeping arrangement just feels so right for reasons that Scott can’t understand but doesn’t bother dwelling on. And Ryan’s never once made fun of the plug issue and for some strange reason, the man really seems to love putting the plug into him, which is ridiculous. Scott thought it would be a one-time thing, but Ryan had been just as excited and grateful about doing it on Sunday night as he’d been the previous night, which is fantastic.

Along with getting lots of rest, he’s also eating a lot better. Having Ryan smile whenever Scott eats something always makes him eager to eat more and he’s eaten more this past weekend than he did over the past week.

Then there’s Ryan’s amazing willingness to put up with Scott’s octopus tendencies and his desire to cling to Ryan whenever he wants, even if they’re not having sex. Getting that almost constant access to physical contact is wonderful.

Then there’s the biggest positive change: Ryan had let Scott submit to him and he’d been the kindest and most wonderful dom Scott had ever interacted with. It had been a dream come true. Everything is going so well and Scott’s happier than he’s ever been before—and they’ve only been doing their new arrangement for one weekend!

By the time Monday morning arrives, some of his euphoria has faded and he just feels relaxed and at peace in his own skin. His ability to focus is back and he’s not just back to feeling like himself, but he feels better than he has in years. That cruel, dark voice in the back of his head has fallen silent and he no longer feels that heavy sadness dragging him down.

For the first time in weeks, he greets his co-workers and asks them how their weekend was. The first few people he talks to seem cautious and they keep looking at him strangely, like they think he’s about to blow up at them. It makes Scott realize what an asshole he’d been over the last few weeks, which makes him determined to go back to being a good co-worker.

To his relief, when he engages them in conversation, his co-workers quickly realize he’s back to normal and start chatting, and Scott’s happy to discover that he can actually pay attention to what they’re saying and that he cares about what they’re saying.

He learns how people’s children, spouses and pets are doing, how their favorite sports teams are performing and what upcoming events they’re looking forward to in their lives, and Scott genuinely feels happy for them.

He also texts his buddy Tyrell. He apologizes for his behavior and asks if they want to get together for a beer soon. Thankfully, Ty has always been wonderful and he texts back just a few minutes later, telling Scott to meet him at the bar after work, and that he owes Ty a few rounds of beer to make up for what he’d put him through. He follows it up with a bunch of laughing emojis, which makes Scott smile for the rest of the day.

Another thing that makes him really happy is that he feels good enough now to officially re-invite himself to movie nights with Claire and Ryan. The upcoming Wednesday is movie night and Scott can’t wait.

It isn’t until he and Ryan are at their desks, drinking their morning coffee, eating the breakfast sandwiches Scott got them and they’re going through their weekend emails, discussing what cases they want to work on today that Scott comes to one final happy realization: Ryan’s acting completely normal. There’s no indication that anything’s changed about their relationship, despite how intense and intimate their weekend had been.

Ryan must notice Scott staring at him, because he breaks off mid-sentence and raises his eyebrows at him. “What? You wanna start on the Wilson case instead? You know it’ll take Tech another few hours to get us those results.”

This is the same man who spent the past two nights sliding plugs into him to help Scott sleep and spent Saturday afternoon tying his hands up, fucking his mouth, and praising him for being a cock slut, but Ryan’s acting like absolutely nothing’s changed between them, which is amazing. “No, no, it’s not about the case. I’m just…happy that you’re you.”

Ryan smiles softly, and Scott recognizes that smile. It’s his private, gentle smile which Scott rarely sees during the work days, but he’d just spend a weekend full of those smiles. “Well, aren’t you a ball of mush today, huh? You must have had a hell of a good weekend.”

Scott catches his grin before it gets too big and shrugs nonchalantly. “Oh, it was alright.”

“Just alright? You mean it sucked?” The way Ryan adds just a bit of over-enunciation to that last word lets Scott know that he said it deliberately.

Scott struggles not to laugh. “It was good suckiness.”

He sees Ryan light up, and now that he knows Scott’s happy to joke like this, he dives right in. “Oh, that’s good. I hope your future weekends are just as sucky. Very, _very_ sucky.”

Scott bursts out laughing and throws a pen at Ryan. What a goof. “Detective Harris. Concentrate on your work. We’re professionals around here.”

Ryan nods and puts on a mock-serious expression. “Yes, sir. No discussing suckiness while at work. Got it.”


	11. Chapter 11

Scott can tell there’s something bothering Ryan. Well, maybe not bothering, but he’s definitely distracted by something. Ryan keeps his tone light and mostly professional while they’re at the office, but as they’re driving to a suspect’s house to do a search, Scott can tell he’s lost in thought. Ryan’s focus comes back while they’re doing the search—which ends up being a waste of time—but when they’re back in the car, he’s quiet again.

“Damn asshole tossed his computer. Fuck,” Scott mumbles, smacking the steering wheel as he’s driving them back to the station. “You wanna email Tech and ask them to poke around online? Maybe he backed stuff up and hasn’t wiped it yet.”

There’s no response from Ryan.

“Earth to Detective Harris.”

“Hmm? Sorry, what?”

“I asked if you wanna email Tech to see what they can find.”

“Oh, sure.”

Scott frowns over at him. “What’s going on with you? I know the search was crap, but we’ve still got some leads to work for this case.”

Ryan sighs. “It’s not about the case. I just keep thinking about what you said.”

“I say a lot of things, Harris. Well, except in certain situations.” He chuckles. “But usually, I say a lot of stuff so you’re gonna have to be more specific.”

“I’m still upset about what happened to you.”

Scott frowns. “When? This weekend? I thought you were okay with what we did.”

“No, not that. I’m talking about before. With those other assholes. I hate that you blame yourself for what happened.”

Scott’s stomach twists into an uncomfortable knot. He’s been having a really good week—well, except for the search being crap—and now Ryan’s bringing up stuff he’s working really hard to put behind him. “Don’t worry about any of that. I know what I did wrong and that’s never gonna happen again. Even if the two of us stop doing what we’re doing. I know how things are supposed to work now and I’m never gonna put myself into such a situation again. Maybe I won’t find somebody I like being with as much as you, but I wouldn’t dive back into a stupid situation like before.”

“See, that’s what’s making me upset.”

“What is?”

“That you blame yourself for what happened. You’re acting like you did something wrong, but you were the victim.”

Scott snorts. “That’s going a bit far, Harris. I was a willing participant.” Well, kind of. When he’s in subspace, the line between him being a willing participant or just going along for the ride gets blurred, but the doms didn’t force him to show up at their door.

“Willing participant?! You were raped and assaulted and I hate that you’re blaming yourself for it!”

It’s a struggle not to roll his eyes as Scott slows down to make a left turn. “Quit being melodramatic. I wasn’t raped. I showed up at their apartments, I told them I didn’t have any hard limits and that included them fucking me whenever and however they wanted, which is what they did.”

Ryan’s staring at him incredulously and he looks angry. “When you’re in subspace, you literally can’t say no to somebody! Even if they asked you if you wanted to stop, you couldn’t tell them what you wanted and they didn’t set up non-verbal safewords! The doms took advantage of you when you were mentally compromised and if that’s not rape, I don’t know what is.”

And that’s when Scott starts losing his temper. Once he makes the left turn, he yanks the car over to the side of the road and throws the gear shift into park. “That’s completely irrelevant!”

“The fuck it is! It’s not—”

“It’s irrelevant! I knew what I was getting into when I showed up at their apartment. I knew that I’d lose the ability to communicate and that they didn’t care enough about me to try to communicate in a way that would work for me. I knew that and I went anyway.”

“Anybody who’s in a situation where they can’t properly consent shouldn’t be taken advantage of! If they are, then that’s assault.”

Scott angrily shakes his head. “You’re ignoring the facts, Harris. I consented ahead of time and I told them I didn’t have any hard limits. I set the parameters and just because I didn’t enjoy the outcome doesn’t mean I’m a victim!”

Ryan makes a frustrated sound and slams his fist against the door. He’s quiet for a minute, then he faces Scott again. “What if there’s a case where a person was a sub in a relationship and they say their dom raped them? You gonna say a sub can’t be raped? Really?”

“We wouldn’t be dealing with that case in the first place. We handle these specific kinds of cases called ‘homicides’. I’m sure you’ve heard that word before. It means there’s a dead body involved.”

“Don’t be an asshole and answer the question! Would you really say the sub wasn’t raped because whatever the sub consented to at the beginning of a scene is what they have to live with, even if they changed their mind later on?”

Clenching his jaw, Scott struggles not to throw something at Ryan. “That’s for a jury to decide, not me.”

“Seriously?! That’s a shit answer and you know it!”

“Well, it’s the only answer I wanna give you!”

“Why are you being so weird about this?! You were raped and assaulted and—”

Scott slams his fist on the steering wheel. “Stop it! Fucking—just stop it! Stop trying to force me to agree with you!”

“I’m not—”

That’s when Scott’s reached the limit of his patience. He’s had enough of Ryan and the direction of this whole conversation. “This isn’t about you!” He yells. He’s so angry that he’s struggling to breathe. “I’m not your mom and this isn’t the universe’s way of giving you another chance to fight a bad guy so you can protect somebody who’s being abused!”

“What the fuck are you—”

“If this is about you feeling guilty about what happened with your dad, that’s something you gotta sort out—and I’m happy to talk to you about that because that would be bullshit—but it’s got nothing to do with me and my situation! They’re not the same thing!”

Ryan glares at him. “I never said they were! This has nothing to do with my dad!”

“Okay, then it’s just about you trying to force me to agree with you because that’ll help you deal with this situation. Well, guess what?! I’m allowed to have my own opinions and feelings about things and they don’t have to match up with yours!”

Ryan’s gone a bit pale and his voice is much quieter when he responds. “Of course you are.”

“Then stop trying to force me to change my mind! I’m the one who was in that situation and if I’m choosing to believe that I wasn’t raped because that lets me deal with the situation better, then that’s my choice and I’m allowed to keep it!”

“I never said you had to—”

Scott’s had enough. “Quit trying to make this about you!” He really needs some air and to get away from Ryan. Unclicking his seatbelt, he turns off the car and gets out, walking to the back of the car as he fumes.

He acknowledges that this is a complicated situation. He really doesn’t know whether what happened to him would be classified as rape or not in a legal sense. But even if it were, he doesn’t want to think of it like that, and he doesn’t give a damn what Ryan’s opinion about that is.

Taking deep breaths, he struggles to calm down. He and Ryan don’t fight often, but when they do, they always rile each other up very quickly. Thankfully, their flares of temper usually die down as quickly as they ignite.

After a few minutes, the car door opens and closes before Ryan’s feet appear in Scott’s view as he’s staring at the ground.

“I’m sorry. If you don’t want me to talk about any of this again, then that’s the last thing I wanna say about it. I’m sorry.”

Scott’s calmed down, but he’s still annoyed at Ryan. “What exactly are you sorry for?”

“What happened to you made me really angry and upset, but you’re right. That’s my problem, not yours. It’s not fair for me to force you to do anything just because it’ll make me feel better. I’m not the high priority.”

Sighing, Scott glances at him. “You’re always a high priority to me.”

Ryan gives him a small smile. “In this case, you need to stay the high priority. You’re the vic—you’re the one who was in that situation, not me. I can get upset about it, but forcing you to deal with the situation the way I want you to isn’t right.”

Scott leans back against the car and Ryan joins him. They’re not touching, but Scott already knows they’ve moved past this fight. “I forgive you. Just don’t start nagging me about this again.”

“I won’t. I’ll only talk about it if you wanna talk about it, I promise. And I won’t nag you about it ever again.”

“Thank you.” They settle into silence for a while, but Scott really wants Ryan to understand he wants to stop talking about this. “I understand what you’re saying. I’m not being dumb about this and I know you’re not making up crap, but it’s important to me that I think about it in a certain way. I don’t wanna think of myself as just a victim in the situation. It feels…so powerless. I don’t like that and I don’t care if it’s healthy or not, but that’s what I wanna do. I wanna move forward. And I have a right to do that.”

“I get that. And I’ll respect it from now on.”

“Thank you. And I promise, you really don’t have to worry about something like that ever happening again. I didn’t know anything about non-verbal safewords, kink negotiations or scene discussions. Now I do and if I’m ever gonna do a scene with a dom in future, I’m gonna make damn sure we figure out all those things before any clothes come off. And if the dom doesn’t wanna do any of those things, that’s my cue to get the hell out of there.”

Ryan nods. “That’s good. That’s really good.”

“Well, it just shows I have a good teacher and I’m a good student.”

Ryan chuckles and Scott bumps his shoulder with his own. “So, you gonna email Tech?”

“Sure. What do you want for lunch? I’m buying.”

“I’m in the mood for burritos.”

“Okay.”

* * *

“So I made you a present.”

Scott glances up from the phone records analysis he’s reading through. “Huh?”

Ryan’s shifting in his seat, looking excited and nervous at the same time. “I made you a present.”

“Is this about our fight the other day? I told you that I forgive you and we’re moving on. You don’t have to get me a present to make up for it.”

“No, this is something else. It’s something for…the weekend.”

Dropping the phone records paperwork, Scott grins. “Yeah?”

Ryan mirrors his grin. “Yeah. So I can’t show you…here. It’s not really…”

“Appropriate for work?”

“Uh huh. But you can come over after work if you wanna see it. Or you can wait until Saturday.”

Scott gives him a look—letting Ryan know that’s not an option—then he glances at the clock. Two more hours to go until he can see his presents. “You better hope we don’t get called to a new case before we’re done today because I’m gonna be a bit grumpy about it.”

Ryan laughs. “Grumpy? You? Impossible.”

Scott rolls his eyes. “Ha ha.”

* * *

When they’re done work, Scott jumps into his car and follows Ryan home. When they get inside, Scott takes off his gun belt and badge, grabs Ryan’s and puts them into the bedroom drawer. He’s probably not going to spend the night but routine is important, especially where lethal weapons are concerned.

Heading out of the bedroom, he sits on the couch, bouncing with excitement as he eagerly awaits his present.

The door to the play room has already been unlocked and Ryan’s rummaging around inside, opening and closing drawers. Although Scott already knows his present is sex related, the sound of those drawers moving makes him even more excited. “Hurry up!”

“I’m coming!”

“Hopefully not in a sexual way cause I don’t have time for that. I wanna see my present!”

Ryan laughs, then he appears in the doorway, holding his hands behind his back. “So I was thinking about how the aftercare went last time and I noticed something I could improve on.”

Scott frowns and some of his excitement disappears as the familiar flare of anxiety twists in his gut. “I thought you were okay with how things went. If you don’t wanna—”

“Hush, it’s got nothing to do with that. I loved every minute of it, but I thought of ways we could make things even better, and I also had some safety concerns.”

“You and your safety. Okay…what parts are we making better?”

“Me putting my fingers into your mouth is fine and I don’t mind at all, but it’s not very practical. From a safety standpoint, I don’t like not having use of my hands. Until you come down from subspace, it’s my responsibility to take care of both of us and I wanna be able to use both my hands for that.”

Frowning, Scott tries to figure out how Ryan solved this problem. Scott agrees that it’s not practical or safe for Ryan’s fingers to be stuck in Scott’s mouth for ages. As he thinks about what Ryan could have come up with as a solution, Ryan saves him from figuring it out by holding up a strange looking headband. It’s black and stretchy but there’s a small black toy attached to it. Scott first assumes the device is a strap-on, but then he notices the toy attached is a butt plug, not a dildo and the toy is on the inside of the headband. Besides, the headband is way too small for somebody to wear around their waist either for fucking or for being fucked…

…and that’s when he gets it. “I can put that in my mouth!”

Ryan grins. “Yeah. I know it’s a butt plug, but all of the dildo options were too big. I wanted you to be comfortable enough so you can fall asleep with it in your mouth and you won’t choke or wake up with your jaw aching. I think the butt plug will fit the shape of your mouth better and be more comfortable.”

Scott takes it out of his hand and runs his hands over it. “I can’t believe they make things like this! How long did it take you to find?”

“Oh, they don’t make things like this. I looked, but all the penis gags use dildos that are too big. They’re meant to be used during sex, not afterwards. They also had adult sized pacifiers, but I knew you wouldn’t like that.”

That brings a hot flush up Scott’s face. “No. I wouldn’t like that.” The finger sucking thing could be seen as the equivalent of a baby needing to suck on a pacifier for comfort, but that doesn’t mean he wants a physical reminder of that connection by sucking on an actual pacifier.

“So anyway, after I struck out, I just made my own. I—”

Scott’s eyebrows fly up and he stares at Ryan. “You made this?” He stares at the genius device in his hands with a new appreciation.

“Yeah. It wasn’t hard, I just bought the pieces and put it together. I thought if I made a gag out of it, you wouldn’t have to worry about it falling out, but all the gags I found had buckles on them and I thought that would hurt if you rolled over. I figured the headband would work best. But if you don’t like any part of it, we can change it.”

Now that he knows it’s been handmade, Scott peers closely at each part, noting how carefully the butt plug had been attached to a piece of smooth rubber, which had been stapled to the sturdy headband. There aren’t any jagged or sloppy edges. It’s clear how much effort Ryan had put into this.

Looking up at Ryan, Scott thinks he’s going to cry. “I can’t believe you made this for me,” he says softly. “It’s not even a sex toy. Not really. It’s just to help me feel good afterwards. I can’t believe you made this.”

Ryan smiles that soft smile. “Of course I did. I want you to be happy, Scotty. Seeing you happy makes me happy.”

Scott clears his throat. “This is honestly the most thoughtful gift anybody’s ever given me.”

“What can I say? I’m a creative guy.”

“You’re a wonderful guy, that’s what you are. Creative too, but using your creativity just to make me something really weird that’ll make me happy is a whole other thing.”

“So you like it?”

Scott stares at him. “Like it? I love it.”

“You wanna try it on? Not for long, I just wanna see if the fit is right so I can make adjustments before Saturday.”

Slipping the headband over his head, Scott gently pulls the strap down and pushes the plug into his mouth. The unique shape of the plug allows the bulb-shaped tip to settle in the space between his tongue and the roof of his mouth and he can close his mouth most of the way but it still fills his mouth the way he needs it to when he’s coming down from subspace. He can breathe and his jaw will stay comfortable like this for hours.

Turning his head in different directions, he feels the soft strap around his head, keeping the plug in place. Grinning as well as he can, he looks at Ryan. “I love it!” he says, except he can’t talk properly with the plug pressing his tongue down, so it comes out as a garbled mess.

But Ryan must know what his grin means. “You like it?”

Scott nods enthusiastically, his heart glowing. He still can’t believe Ryan made him this. Every inch of it had been carefully thought over and he’d made the whole thing just to make Scott feel good after sex. Reaching up, Scott carefully tugs the plug out of his mouth and pulls the strap off his head. “I love it so much. This is perfect!”

He can’t stop smiling and Ryan’s grin mirrors his own, looking relieved and excited.

Scott has the sudden urge to kiss Ryan in an effort to show him just how much this means to him. But he stops himself before he reaches for him. They never kiss when they’re not having sex—not including aftercare—so Scott doesn’t know if this is a boundary Ryan’s comfortable crossing. “Can I kiss you? I’m just really happy and this means so much to me and I just wanna show you.”

Ryan’s smile grows wider. “You can kiss me whenever you want, Jenkins. Well, except at work.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, you can kiss me whenever you want too. Except not at work.”

Then Scott leans over and kisses Ryan. When Ryan tilts his head and slots their lips together, Scott kisses him harder, trying to pour his affection for him into his kisses. He’s clutching the the gag in his hands but he doesn’t want to let it go yet. Instead, he cradles the gift between his and Ryan’s bodies while Ryan winds his arms around his waist and holds him close as they keep kissing.

They keep the kisses soft and chaste, stopping to smile at each other every few kisses.

“You really like it?” Ryan murmurs against his lips.

“I love it and it’s perfect.”

“I’m glad. I was worried you’d think I was shoving myself into your business.”

Scott chuckles softly and kisses him. “When I feel that you’re shoving yourself into situations that I don’t want you involved in, I’ll tell you. But when it comes to things we do on Saturdays, everything involved in that is both of our business.”

Then he stops talking because he needs to kiss Ryan some more.

* * *

On Friday, Scott heads over to Ryan’s after he’s done at the gym so they can prepare for their scene on Saturday. Scott’s had a fantastic week. He’d felt good all week and going to movie night on Wednesday had been wonderful. Ryan’s mom, Claire, had greeted him with a big hug and told him she was thrilled he was feeling better. She even let him pick the movie they would watch, even though it was her turn to pick.

Now, he gets to round-out his fantastic week by hopefully having another amazing scene with Ryan. They’re going to try some more intense bondage from last week and Ryan wants to try out different options and see what Scott likes the best.

It’s the first sexual relationship he’s ever had where he’s treated as a sub but Scott really feels like he’s an equal part of the relationship. Before any this, he hadn’t understood how a sub could possibly have an equal say in a relationship with a dom and still be submissive to that dom. But now, he’s seeing things in a whole new light and he’s really starting to understand how a healthy BDSM relationship is supposed to work.

When he gets to Ryan’s, he presses the button on the intercom and waits for Ryan to answer.

“Hello?”

“It’s me.”

The door buzzes and Scott hurries inside. When he gets to Ryan’s apartment, he finds the door unlocked and goes inside, locking the door behind him. “Hi.”

Ryan’s sprawled out on the couch, watching TV. “Hey. You had a good workout?”

“Yup.” Working out is one of the few activities they rarely do together. For some bizarre reason, Ryan prefers to work out in the mornings, which Scott thinks is torture.

“Let me turn off the TV. You wanna unlock the door of the play room?”

Scott digs the key out of the plastic flower on the wall and unlocks the door of the play room. Wandering inside, he turns on the overhead light, bathing the room in bright light. During scenes, Ryan only keeps the lamps in the corners turned on, but negotiations and scene discussions require a clinical atmosphere: clothes, non-sexy language and bright lighting.

“Want me to put on my cuffs?” Scott calls into the living room.

“Yeah, but just the wrist cuffs. And look through the other cuffs for some ankle cuffs that’ll work.”

Since their first scene had gone so well, they’re going to try having Scott fully restrained this time. Not only will his legs be chained up, but he won’t be able to undo the restraints on his wrists this time, which means he’ll be truly stuck. Ryan had been worried that they were moving too fast, but the thought of being fully restrained and under Ryan’s control fills Scott with nothing but excitement.

Scott opens the drawers, looking for his beautiful cuffs. When he pulls open the very bottom drawer, he finds them, lying next to the thigh cuffs, and the new gag plug, along with the plug Ryan had given him, all clean and organized and it makes Scott smile. “I got my own drawer now, huh?”

“Yup!” Ryan calls from the living room.

Taking out the wrist cuffs, Scott buckles them to his wrists, then opens the drawer with the other cuffs and searches for cuffs that’ll fit on his ankles. He’s bent over with his pants rolled up to his knees, trying out different options when Ryan appears next to him.

“You wanna take off your pants too?”

Buckling up one of the cuffs around his ankle, Scott rotates his foot to see how it feels. “I don’t know if we know each other well enough for that, Harris.”

Ryan laughs and gently smacks Scott on the ass. “Smart ass.”

Once Scott finds ankle cuffs he likes, he pulls off his pants and sits on the bed wearing just his cuffs, underwear and shirt.

Pulling open the big wardrobe, Ryan pulls out a metal chain and a bundle of rope. “What do you like better? Metal or rope?”

Scott’s eyes are drawn to the shiny metal and he knows the sound of the metal chains clinking will be amazing. There’s just something very appealing about being chained up with actual chains. Blinking hard and forcing himself to concentrate, he points at the metal. “Metal. Definitely metal.”

“Okay.” Ryan pulls out some different chains from the closet and holds them out. “Any preference?”

It’s not something Scott needs to think about. He fixates on the heaviest, thickest chain, the kind people would use to tow things. “The heavy one.”

Ryan grins. “I thought so.”

Unlike last time when Scott’s hands had been fastened to the headboard, this time they’re gonna start with Scott lying spread-eagled and further down the bed so Ryan can kneel behind his head. So Scott slides down until he’s lying where Ryan wants him and holds out his arms and legs.

“So I have one big rule with using chains or rope when I’m starting out with somebody,” Ryan tells him.

“Okay. What?”

“You don’t get to touch them with your hands or feet. You can look at them, you can lick them, suck on them, rub yourself on them, but you can’t touch them with your hands or your feet. When you’re in subspace, that can get dangerous really quick. These are real chains, Scotty. We might be able to revise that rule later, but until I know how you’ll react to them—no touching with your hands and feet, okay?”

Scott nods. “Got it. No touching with my hands or my feet.”

“Okay, good.”

Ryan clips a length of chain to each of the wrist cuffs, then pulls them to the bedposts by the head of the bed. It’s a struggle not to let himself get lost in his fantasies of what tomorrow will bring, but Ryan keeps talking in his calm, clinical way, keeping Scott focused.

“I’m gonna tighten the chains and you tell me when to stop. You need to be able to shift a bit, okay? Otherwise, you might hurt yourself.”

Scott’s arms are being pulled taut and he keeps his arms flat on the bed, tugging a bit to loosen Ryan’s hold. Once he’s comfortable, he nods. “I think that’s good.”

“Okay, I’ll clip ‘em on…alright, they’re on. Try shifting around.”

Once his arms are done and Scott’s happy, Ryan moves down to his feet and they repeat the process, chaining Scott’s ankles to the bedposts at the foot of the bed. Even once he’s spread-eagled and can’t move his arms or legs more than a few inches, Scott stays focused on Ryan’s calm voice and stares up at the bright light above him. Unlike their first scene, he can’t get out of the chains this time, but there’s no hint of fear associated with that thought. He doesn’t need to be able to get out of the chains because he trusts Ryan to take care of him.

“So this is good, Scotty?”

“Yeah. I’m comfortable.”

Ryan chuckles and unclips the four chains. “Okay, next position. Shift up to the pillows.”

As he moves up, Scott notices Ryan sliding off the bed and bringing the chains over to the chest of drawers. Laying each of them down, Ryan attaches small slips of paper to each of them.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m marking out which chain is gonna go where and what chain link I gotta attach to the posts. Trust me, it’s not very sexy when I have to fumble around and do this during a scene, never mind if I fuck up and put chains in the wrong spots. The phrase ‘oh shit, I screwed up and I gotta do this again’ is definitely not a good way to maintain scene atmosphere.”

Scott laughs and his heart’s glowing again. “You’re amazing, you know that?”

“Well that makes two of us.” Going back to the wardrobe Ryan pulls out two more heavy chains and hoists them onto the bed, the chains clinking. “So like we talked about earlier, we wanna get your legs up and restrained, so we’re gonna try different methods and see what you like. And if you don’t like any of them, that’s fine and we’ll try something else.”

Scott notices Ryan doesn’t even bring up the suggestion that he could just flip Scott over and fuck him when he’s on his stomach or on all fours. Ever since Scott had told him that he wanted to either see Ryan or feel him right behind him when they’re having sex, Ryan has stuck to that. And that means a lot to Scott. Maybe one day he’ll feel comfortable being on all fours and having Ryan behind him, but for now, he doesn’t want to risk getting confused and flashing back to a bad experience during a scene and having the whole thing go sideways. “Okay. How do you want me?”

“Just stay like you are and make sure you’re comfortable so we can get the lengths right.”

First, Ryan grabs two of the chains off the chest of drawers and clips them to Scott’s wrist cuffs again, adjusting them until Scott’s happy. Climbing off the bed, Ryan gets two more tags and attaches them to the chains to mark the new position.

Scott chuckles. “What are you marking them as? The first tags are for dick sucking, the next tags are for fucking?”

Ryan laughs. “I’d rather use my creativity and my dirty imagination for other things. I’m just writing P1 and P2 for position 1 and position 2.”

“How boring, Harris.”

“Oh, you won’t think it’s boring tomorrow, trust me.”

“Well, aren’t you overly optimistic, huh?”

Ryan laughs and smacks Scott’s thigh. Scott manages to kick him lightly in the side before Ryan leaps out of range.

“Try that again, Jenkins. Oh, wait…you’re a little…stuck, huh? Oh, that’s so sad.”

Scott laughs and wiggles against the chains keeping his hands restrained, trying to reach his legs towards Ryan and failing miserably.

Reaching over, Ryan grabs one of Scott’s flailing legs and kisses his calf. Smiling, Scott pulls his foot out of Ryan’s grasp and rubs his heel up Ryan’s side. “So, Harris?”

“Yeah?”

“Do my legs. Please.”

“Yes, sir.”

“But please keep talking to me cause I don’t wanna float.”

“Yep.” Ryan launches into a steady stream of chatter in that clinical, flat voice he uses during scene negotiations or preparations.

Blinking hard, Scott concentrates on Ryan’s voice and the bright light above him. Once his legs get hoisted up, he’ll have difficulty focusing and he has to pay attention.

Ryan clips the new chains to Scott’s ankle cuffs. “Okay, now slowly, bring both legs up to the headboard. Aim for the corners of the bed, but go slow. I’m holding the chains so they won’t hit you in the face.”

Lifting his legs, Scott spreads his legs, the chains dangling from the ankle cuffs. He keeps his legs slightly bent and once he indicates that he’s comfortable, Ryan clips the chains to the corner posts at the head of the bed.

“Alright, now relax and see how it feels.”

Scott is fascinated by the sight of the black leather cuffs on his ankles and the thick chains attached to them. When he tries to shift, he finds he can only move a little bit and he’s very aware of how exposed his ass is in this position.

“Scott, concentrate. Don’t let yourself float. Are you hurting anywhere? How are the chains? How’s the stretch? Talk to me.”

“Just gimme a few minutes, I wanna settle into it.”

“Okay.”

Being restrained like this is wonderful…until a few minutes have gone by. Then the blood circulation in his feet has started slowing and he’s feeling the stretch in his legs and the weight of the chains. The longer he stays like that, the more he notices his legs are really, really wanting to drop down to the bed. They won’t reach the bed due to the chains being too short and the thought of having to keep his legs up like this quickly loses its appeal. “I’m not loving it.”

“Let me get you down, hang on.” Ryan unclips one leg, then the other, gently bringing each leg down to the bed and rubbing his feet.

Blinking up at the ceiling, Scott wiggles his toes and rubs Ryan’s hands gratefully with his feet, feeling relief at his legs not being up anymore. “Can we try the other position?”

“Yep.”

Ryan grabs Scott’s thigh cuffs from the drawer and tosses them on the bed and grabs two more chains. Kneeling between Scott’s legs, Ryan puts the thigh cuffs on him and tightens them until Scott says they’re still comfortable, but tight enough not to slide. Then Ryan clips two chains to them and connects the chains to the bedposts at the head of the bed, pulling Scott’s thighs up and apart, his feet dangling in the air.

“I’m gonna move the chains, you tell me when you’re happy.”

“Okay.”

Ryan adjusts the chains on both sides, moving the chains up and down and tightening or loosening them until Scott’s happy. There’s still a bit of a stretch and he’ll definitely be feeling it, but he’s already in love with the idea of being in this position. His ass and his cock are fully on display and there’s lots of room for Ryan to play. A little bit of soreness will be worth it and he’ll get used to it.

“Now we’re gonna do your ankles to distribute the weight.”

Grabbing the other set of chains, Ryan clips them to Scott’s dangling ankles and carefully brings the chain to the bedposts at the foot of the bed. Again, he spends time adjusting them, asking Scott to provide feedback.

The questions and clinical assessment of the situation helps Scott stay focused and all of his attention is on feeling how his ankles feel and the way the weight from the suspension is now more evenly distributed. It feels a lot more comfortable than the previous position had been. “I think that’s good.”

“Okay, just relax and concentrate on how it feels. If you feel any pain, you gotta let me know. Your legs might get a bit sore, but there shouldn’t be any sharp pain anywhere.”

That’s when Scott allows himself to think about the bondage for the first time. Turning his head, he can see the six shiny chains stretched tight from the black metal bedposts. The fact that the chains are holding him in place, pulled tight from the weight of his own limbs makes it even hotter. Tugging on his hands, feet and thighs, he can feel the heavy chains restricting his movements. The cuffs he’s wearing are like warm, kind hands, tightening their grip on him and reassuring him that they’ll keep him safe. He can’t run off and hurt himself because they’ll keep him safe.

This is the type of bondage he’s dreamt about for years. This is the type of bondage that represents that safety he’s been chasing for ten years. The assholes he’d been with in the past had rarely bothered trying to tie him up like this. Most of their interactions had involved using his own handcuffs on his wrists. If they did tie him up, they’d prioritize their own pleasure and didn’t care if he was comfortable.

Then there’s the whole safety aspect of it. Scott had always been torn, desperately wanting to experience bondage because the idea made him feel so good, but also being scared because he would be putting himself into an even more vulnerable position than he already was when he was in subspace.

It amazes him that he’s not scared. Not even a little. Usually, he’d feel a bit of apprehension, underlying the amazing feeling of safety and love from the bondage. He’d always think about how the people he’s with can do whatever they want with him when he’s restrained like this and he wouldn’t be able to defend himself or get away from them.

Right now, he’s as vulnerable as he can possible get. If Ryan decided to hurt him, there’s absolutely nothing Scott could do to stop him. He can’t undo the clips attaching the chains to his wrist cuffs and the length of the arm chains aren’t long enough to allow him to reach either of the bedposts. He can’t even reach his wrist cuffs to gnaw through them. He’s completely stuck. To his surprise, those thoughts bring no fear, no apprehension. He absolutely trusts Ryan and he doesn’t care that he can’t get out of the bondage himself. He doesn’t need to because nothing’s going to happen to him that he won’t like. And that’s an incredible feeling.

Feeling a lump growing in his throat, Scott swallows hard and pushes all of these thoughts aside.

If he gets emotional, then this won’t count as valid scene preparation anymore and Ryan will delay doing their scene tomorrow, and Scott definitely doesn’t want that. His stupid emotional issues can wait for another day.

“Scotty? What do you think?”

He tries to be discreet as he clears his throat. “Oh, I like this. I really, really like this.”

“Yeah? Comfortable?”

“Uh huh.”

“And your hands are good too?”

“Yeah. I feel really good. Really, really good.”

“Okay, give it a few more minutes and if you’re still happy, then our prep for tomorrow’s done.”

Scott grins, feeling back on stable ground now that he’s listening to Ryan’s clinical tone. “Since I’m gonna be hanging out for a while—ha ha—you wanna talk about the Wilson case?”

Ryan chuckles and lies down below Scott, rolling onto his back to stare up at the ceiling. “Yeah, sure.”

It doesn’t even occur to Scott until later how amazing the rest of their conversation is. Scott’s chained to a bed, wearing only his underwear and shirt, with his ass presented for fucking and he feels completely comfortable just lying there, talking to Ryan about a case. As for Ryan, he acts exactly the same as if they’re having the conversation at the office.

It makes something warm light up in Scott’s belly—and that’s a sign of trouble. Falling in love with Ryan isn’t an option in this arrangement they have, so he quickly pushes the thought out of his mind.

But he can’t stop that happy glow in his chest.

* * *

It takes every ounce of strength for Ryan not to touch Scott once he has him chained up. Scott looks unbelievably hot with his hands and legs restrained, the six heavy chains connected to the bedposts and the black leather cuffs wrapped around Scott’s wrists and legs. When Ryan had finished attaching the thigh chains to the bedposts and stepped back, he’d taken one look at Scott spread out, chained up and smiling happily, and Ryan’s cock had stiffened in seconds.

Making the whole thing hotter is the fact that Ryan had made the bed frame himself and seeing Scott chained to the bed he’d made with his own two hands had filled him with a primal feeling. A sense of accomplishment and pride. He’d provided for his sub, he has full control of his sub and he can fulfill every need his sub has. A rush of adrenaline had accompanied the pride and lust that had made his heart race.

Woah, woah, woah.

Ryan had realized that for the first time in his life, he’d been about to go right into domspace during scene prep and he’d sternly reminded himself to calm the hell down. Scott isn’t _his_ sub; he’s a sub who Ryan scenes with, and Ryan needs to keep that distinction clear in his head. The fact that he’s in love with him is irrelevant.

Needing to stay focus on scene prep, he’d grabbed the ankle chains with shaking hands, stared at them intently and fussed with them for a while until his mind had gotten back on track. More or less.

He’d never have forgiven himself if he screwed everything up by pouncing on Scott and started a scene at that second. Not only would it have been irresponsible and crossing that line—since Ryan knew Scott was completely at Ryan’s mercy and would fall into subspace very quickly—but their relationship is still new and Scott’s learning. Scott had been so surprised when Ryan had brought up concepts like scene negotiations and scene preparations, but he’d seen how much calmer and comfortable Scott got when he’d realized these processes would be a normal part their scenes. Not to mention that Scott has been more relaxed during their scene last weekend, so doing things the proper way has been working very well.

He refused to ruin all of that progress just because he desperately wanted to put his hands all over Scott right that second.

Putting on the ankle chains had been a nice distraction, but when he’d waited for Scott to settle into the bondage and give his feedback, he’d forcibly kept his gaze on the bottom of the bed, not looking at Scott or the chains. Once Scott had given his initial report, Ryan’s first instinct had been to get him down as quickly as possible and hopefully, his cock would calm down too—but that wouldn’t be the responsible thing to do. He’d reminded himself that he needed to give Scott at least another ten minutes to see if the bondage was really comfortable. If he didn’t, there’s a possibility that Scott might get hurt tomorrow. That thought had managed to sober him enough that he’d managed to lie down underneath the ankle chains so he could keep Scott company while they waited.

Now here they are, chatting about a case while Ryan keeps his hands to himself and ignores the way his cock is aching and his head wants to slip into domspace every time Scott shifts slightly and makes the chains clink, reminding Ryan that a sub he’s desperately in love with is restrained just a few inches away from him, completely under his control.

Thankfully, lying at the bottom of the bed allows him to stare right up at the ceiling so he doesn’t have to keep staring at the scorching hot display that Scotty Jenkins currently is. Talking about the Wilson case also helps calm him down, but when it’s time to get Scott down, Ryan’s cock leaps back to attention.

Moving quickly and trying to keep his hands steady, Ryan pays attention to tagging the chain positions and getting Scott down, massaging his legs and constantly shifting himself to try to hide his hard-on in his sweatpants. Thankfully, Scott’s nicely distracted and doesn’t notice.

Tomorrow. He just has to wait until tomorrow.


	12. Chapter 12

Less than 24 hours after their scene prep, Scott’s back in the play room, but the entire atmosphere has changed. Only the corner lamps are on and Ryan had made him run through his three safety signs, reminded him of his own safeword, then told him to strip, kneel in the center of the bed and wait.

Then Ryan had wandered off to go do something.

Now Scott’s kneeling in the middle of the bed, naked except for the cuffs on his wrists, thighs and ankles. There’s a thrill of excitement running through him and he can barely stay still, anxiously waiting for Ryan to come in.

Finally Ryan enters, closing the door behind him. Without looking at Scott, Ryan goes to the recliner in the corner and takes his clothes off, piece by piece, slowly folding each item before laying them down on the chair. Then he goes to the wardrobe and pulls open both doors.

Scott watches him and when he hears the clinking of the metal chains, his heart starts to race and his cock is already stirring.

Ryan pulls out the heavy chains one by one and lays them on the bed and Scott barely restrains himself from bending over and licking them. The impulse surprises him, but he feels no shame about it.

After closing the wardrobe doors, Ryan turns back to the bed and stands next to it, making eye contact with Scott for the first time since he’d entered the room. Smiling, Ryan slowly lets his eyes roam up and down Scott’s body and a shiver runs through Scott. “You’ve been a good boy, haven’t you? Waiting for me, just like I told you to?”

Scott nods eagerly.

“Come here.”

Knee-walking across the bed, Scott stops when he’s in front of Ryan and stares up at him. Leaning down, Ryan kisses his forehead and Scott closes his eyes and sighs softly. Then Ryan touches Scott’s face with his hand and runs his hand around to the back of his neck and tangles his fingers in Scott’s hair, slowly pulling his head back.

Scott groans at the pain and feels his cock thicken.

“Being so patient, aren’t you? But I know what you want. You want your mouth and your ass filled, don’t you?”

Scott can barely nod against the grip in his hair and his heart is thudding in his chest as he starts to tremble. His eyes are still closed, so it’s a surprise when Ryan’s lips touch his. Ryan presses hard kisses to his lips, then slides his tongue into his mouth, deepening the kiss while he tightens his grip on Scott’s hair.

Moaning at the grip in his hair and the way Ryan’s tongue is fucking his mouth, Scott tangles his tongue with Ryan’s, kissing him back eagerly.

Eventually, Ryan releases him and kisses his forehead again. “Lie down on your back. Hands and feet pointing at the corners.”

Scott blinks at him for a second, trying to process the order. When he understands, he gets down on all fours and crawls across the bed, lying down and stretching out his arms and legs. He’s so grateful that they’d practiced this yesterday, since he remembers where he needs to be without having to think about it.

There’s the clinking of chains again and his hands shaking from the anticipation. He can’t wait to be chained to the bed, with Ryan having complete control over him. He’s staring up at the dark ceiling, his body vibrating with excitement, so the sudden touch of something cold on his leg startles him and makes him jerk his head down.

Ryan’s kneeling on the bed next to him and he’s holding one of the chains, slowly dragging it up Scott’s leg. The cold, heavy metal is a fantastic contrast to the heat that’s running through him and the sound of the chain makes Scott’s cock throb.

He stares at the chain as it slides up his body. The urge to lick the chain gets stronger and he wants the chains everywhere. He wants his entire body wrapped up in them. He wants them around his cock, he wants them around his neck, around his chest, around his stomach, everywhere. They’re so strong; they’d hold him so beautifully. Nobody could tear them away from him.

As the chain continues dragging up his body and comes close to his neck, Scott reaches out a shaking hand and manages to grab the chain and press it to his neck, pushing down hard. He brings his other hand to the chain, grabs the chain in both hands and pulls it down, feeling the cold metal dig into his neck. It’s a little difficult to breathe, but that’s okay. He needs the chain wrapped around his neck. He really, really needs—

“Jenkins, let go of the chain. Now.” The words sound angry.

The order makes his hands release the chain but he lets out a whine. When the chain is dragged off his body, he whines louder, wanting it to come back. He wants it wrapped around his neck. He really, really needs it to be wrapped around his neck and Ryan’s being mean and taking the chain away from him.

Suddenly, Ryan appears above him and his legs are straddling Scott, Ryan’s thighs squeezing tight against his ribs. Ryan’s hands tangle in Scott’s hair and pull his head back. The grip is much tighter than it was earlier and the pain makes all thoughts of the chain and his sadness at its disappearance fade from his mind as he stares up at Ryan.

“Are you being a good boy, Jenkins?” Ryan’s voice isn’t playful like it usually is. It’s angry.

Scott thinks about it and then comes to the upsetting realization that no, he wasn’t being a good boy. Shit! Ryan had made him promise not to touch the chains with his hands and Scott just did it anyway. That’s not being a good boy! Clenching his jaw, Scott feels close to tears. He’s so stupid! A stupid, worthless piece of shit! He’s not floating in his happy place anymore, but a dark, cold place.

The grip in his hair tightens and his head is pulled back further. Ryan looms over him and leans down, nearly nose to nose with him. “I asked you a question. Were you being a good boy?”

Shit, he didn’t even manage to answer Ryan’s question! He’s screwing everything up!

Numbly, Scott manages to shake his head a little, barely able to move with the painful grip Ryan has in his hair. He’s so disappointed in himself that he’s on the verge of tears. Now Ryan’s gonna slap him and call him terrible names, and he’ll deserve every second of it. Then Scott will have to go into the corner and it’s always cold and dark in the corner and he doesn’t want to go into the corner, he doesn’t want to go into the corner, he doesn’t want to go into the corner, please don’t make him, please don’t make him, please don’t—

“We talked about the rules. Are you allowed to touch the chains?”

Scott shakes his head again and squeezes his eyes shut, hating himself and readying himself for the well-deserved slap across the face and then the dreaded corner. He hates not being a good boy! Why did he do something so stupid?! He’s ruined everything! Now he’s gonna be slapped and called horrible things and then he’ll have to go into the cold, dark corner.

But the expected slap doesn’t come, nor is he being grabbed and thrown into the corner. Instead, the grip in his hair loosens and Ryan’s hand turns gentle, rubbing Scott’s scalp. “It’s okay, I forgive you. Are you gonna do it again?”

Eyes opening, Scott stares up at him, his heart racing. Really? Is Ryan gonna forgive him? There’s not gonna be any punishment? He won’t have to go into the corner?!

“I need an answer. Are you gonna do it again?”

Scott shakes his head frantically. No, no, he won’t. He’ll be a good boy if Ryan gives him another chance. He won’t touch the chains ever again.

“Promise?”

Scott turns his frantic head shaking into frantic head nodding, staring up at Ryan with desperate hope.

Finally, Ryan gives him one of those soft smiles. “You’re gonna be a good boy?”

Scott keeps nodding his head and Ryan rewards him by bending down and kissing him softly. The feel of Ryan’s kisses makes the last of Scott’s fear and his disappointment at himself fade away and he returns the kisses, trying to convey his gratitude that Ryan forgave him.

Pulling back, Ryan runs his hands down Scott’s neck and over his chest, rubbing the heels of his hands over his nipples, his shoulders, his ribs. “There you go. That’s being a good boy.”

Ryan spends a while rubbing his hands over his body and slowly, the feel of his hands send Scott back to floating in his happy, warm place. Eventually, Ryan climbs off him and Scott hears the clinking of the chains again. Eagerly, he braces himself for it and sighs happily when the cold metal drifts up his leg again. Ryan’s starting from the beginning, as if nothing happened.

This time, Scott keeps his arms stretched out, his hands lying on the bed. He follows the path of the chain as it slowly drags up his body, the cool, heavy weight feeling amazing as it passes over his cock—which has started throbbing again after losing some interest from his screw up—across his chest and up his left arm.

“That’s a good boy. You’re doing so good. The chain feels so good, doesn’t it?”

It’s a little sad that the chain didn’t touch his neck at all, but he pushes that thought aside. Ryan’s in charge and Scott trusts Ryan and he’s a good boy.

The chain leaves his arm, then the bed shifts as the chain clinks and it’s being clipped to his wrist cuff. Turning his head, he watches Ryan attach the chain to the bed post and he tugs on the chain a bit, watching the dim light of the room reflect on the shiny metal. The chain is strong and he won’t be able to break it. That sends a rush of arousal and contentment through him and he eagerly watches as Ryan picks up the next chain.

Each of the chains repeat their slow, clinking journey across his body before attaching to a cuff and being fastened to the bed. When the fourth chain is attached, Ryan smiles down at him and rubs his stomach.

“Try them out. See how it feels.”

When Scott’s lying still, the chains weigh down his ankles and wrists, but it doesn’t really feel like he’s restrained. But as soon as he tugs on all four of them and feels that he can barely move, a wave of heat runs through him and he’s floating even higher. The chains are strong and they’ll keep him safe and Ryan’s in charge of the chains, so everything’s wonderful.

“You’re a happy boy now, aren’t you?” Ryan asks. He has a big smile on his face and he looks very happy.

Scott eagerly nods his head and feels himself smiling. Oh, this is wonderful!

Then Ryan straddles him again and bends down to kiss him. Ryan’s kisses slowly travel across his face and down his neck, with Ryan holding his chin and moving his head into whatever direction he wants. All Scott has to do is lie there and enjoy Ryan doing whatever he wants with him. And it feels amazing.

Ryan’s kisses move down his chest and he stops at a nipple, gently licking it.

Scott sucks in a breath and moans. His legs tighten up, but when the chains stop them, it adds another layer of heat to the moment.

The licking gradually turns to sucking and then gentle nibbling and Scott groans and whines, trying to push his chest up to keep it close to Ryan’s mouth, but he can’t really move it because of the amazing chains.

Ryan’s mouth moves to the other nipple to suck and nip at it, the other nipple feeling cold in the sudden air until Ryan’s fingers wrap around it, twisting and tugging, increasing the pressure and the pain with each pull and twist. Scott hears himself moaning at how good it feels and Ryan moves back and forth between his nipples, his mouth and fingers making them more and more sensitive.

Then Ryan sits up and his thumbs are gently rubbing over his nipples as he stares at them. “God, I love how sensitive your nipples are. Fuck,” Ryan mumbles. Then he drags his hands down Scott’s chest to his stomach. “I’m gonna fuck your mouth now. You want my cock in your mouth?”

That distracts Scott from the tingling in his nipples and he eagerly nods his head.

“Yeah? You want me to stuff your mouth full of cock? Fuck your mouth hard while I hold your head still?”

Oh, yes, please! Scott keeps nodding his head and grinning in anticipation.

Ryan smiles and climbs off him, then he crawls over Scott’s restrained arm to kneel behind him. One of Ryan’s hands grips Scott’s chin and pulls it up until Scott can see Ryan’s hard cock bobbing above him, some pre-cum already beading in the slit.

Scott’s mouth waters and he eagerly opens his mouth and stretches out his tongue, trying to get closer to that cock. God, he wants to taste that cock. He wants to taste Ryan’s cock and his cum and have it all over him.

Ryan chuckles, then sadly, his fantasies grind to a halt when Ryan puts on a condom. That familiar disappointment runs through him, but the thoughts disappear when the cock is slowly guided into his mouth and slips inside. Moaning, Scott seals his lips around the thickness, feeling it sliding over his tongue. Despite the latex taste, the weight and feel of the cock sends him floating again.

“That’s a good boy. A very good boy. Gimme a sign, Scott.”

He’s concentrating on the cock in his mouth and he really doesn’t want to focus on anything else, but he needs to give Ryan a sign or he won’t be a good boy, and that will lead to the cock being taken away. So he forces himself to hold out his index fingers and thumbs, waving them as much as he can.

“Good boy. I’m gonna fuck your mouth however I want and you’re gonna take it because you’re a good boy.”

Scott’s glad it wasn’t a question because he doesn’t have to figure out how to nod his head when his mouth is full of cock. Besides, that doesn’t need to be a question. He’s always going to be a good boy from now on. Always.

Ryan thrusts his cock deeper into his mouth and speeds up the pace, fucking Scott’s mouth hard. His grip on Scott’s chin shifts and both of Ryan’s hands on his lower jaw, his thumbs on Scott’s cheeks. It’s not a painful grip, but it’s tight. Scott can’t move his head at all, and that, combined with the chains keeping his arms and legs bound sends another rush of arousal through him and his cock aches.

There’s nothing he can do except let Ryan use his mouth and that makes him feel amazing.

Ryan’s breathing grows choppier as he keeps fucking Scott’s mouth. “You’re being such a good boy,” Ryan gasps out. “You’re amazing. Jesus, you’re so damn hot, Scotty. Look at you. Fuck, your mouth is amazing.”

Pride and happiness lights up in Scott’s chest and he works on relaxing his throat so Ryan can slip in deeper. Ryan’s cock doesn’t go down his throat on every thrust, letting Scott breath, but Ryan must feel that Scott can handle it because he pushes a bit further down each time he goes deep, filling Scott’s throat. When Scott manages to moan around his cock, Ryan swears and sets up a rhythm: three swallow thrusts, then a deep one where Ryan holds his cock in Scott’s throat for a few amazing seconds, cutting off Scott’s breathing and filling his throat with his thick cock.

One…two…three shallow thrusts. And a deep, slow slide and Ryan holds his cock in Scott’s throat for a few seconds before pulling back out.

One…two…three shallow thrusts, and Scott eagerly prepares himself for another deep slide into his throat, and Ryan doesn’t disappoint.

“Jesus fuck, Scotty,” Ryan sounds awed as he slides in deep and Scott eagerly swallows around his cock, loving how the thick cock completely fills his throat and he’s powerless to stop it until Ryan pulls back.

Eventually, Ryan slows his thrusts and pulls out, his hands releasing their hold on Scott’s face. Immediately, Scott hates the emptiness and he whines, craning his neck up as far as he can and sticking his tongue out, wanting Ryan’s cock back.

Ryan’s hands come back to his face and grip it tight. “Hush, relax. We’re gonna get you tied to the headboard so I can fuck you. You want your ass fucked too, don’t you?”

Oh, yes, he does! Scott grins and nods his head.

Smiling down at him, Ryan bends down and gives him a hard, upside down kiss on his lips. “Now be a good boy and stay still until I tell you to move.”

Scott does as he’s told and doesn’t whine when Ryan removes the wonderful chains. He does love the chains, but something equally good is about to come.

Ryan orders him to shift further up the bed, cuffs his hands to the headboard and clips new chains to his thigh cuffs.

Relaxing, Scott watches as his legs are hoisted up, his knees being pulled towards the headboard and leaving his ass fully exposed as Ryan attaches the thigh cuff chains to the posts at the head of the bed. He grins, feeling proud. Look at him! He’s being such a good boy, his ass all ready for a fucking. And he’s going to be rewarded for being good by getting fucked. He can still wiggle his ankles and calves around, but after Ryan cuffs them to the posts at the foot of the bed, he’s completely restrained and his ass is ready for fucking. Life is just perfect.

When Ryan appears between his legs, Scott smiles up at him and Ryan grins back. “Excited to get fucked, huh? You want your slutty hole stuffed with cock, don’t you?”

Scott grins and nods happily. Ryan chuckles and kisses the insides of his thighs and rubs his hands over the thigh cuffs. “Now that’s shocking! Absolutely shocking! I. Had. No. Idea.”

Running his hands down the insides of Scott’s thighs, Ryan runs his eyes over his body. “Jesus Christ, you look so good. Fuck.”

Ryan’s hands rub his thighs, then travel up his chest to tweak and twist his nipples a bit, which makes Scott gasp and Ryan rubs his thumb over Scott’s throbbing cockhead, which spurts a bit and makes Scott cry out at the arousal that races through him, making his toes curl.

“Oh, that’s nice. Look at your gorgeous cock, so hard, leaking all over you, all eager to get your slutty hole fucked.”

Then Ryan’s hands are running down his thighs again and his thumbs rub over his dry hole. Scott lets out a groan and he tries thrusting down against those thumbs to get them into him, but he can’t move an inch. He can swing his legs side to side a bit, but that’s not useful for shifting his ass downwards.

Ryan chuckles. “Have some patience. I’m gonna fuck you with my tongue, get this hole nice and loose, then I’m gonna get my cock into it.”

Scott keens at those words and feels Ryan kiss down the insides of his thighs, then his wet, warm tongue is licking over his hole and Scott throws his head back with a groan, closing his eyes. He loves his ass being played with, but very few people he’s been with have been willing to rim him, even when he’d begged. He can’t wait!

“Hmm? You like that? My tongue playing with your slutty hole? You just wait.”

Scott’s shaking and his heart’s racing from anticipation, and finally, Ryan’s tongue is back on his ass, licking over the sensitive rim and swirling around it. When the tip of his tongue flicks against his hole over and over, Scott cries out as how good it feels, tugging on the chains holding his legs in place, desperate to get that tongue inside of him.

He manages to shift his ass just a bit, eagerly rubbing his hole against the tongue that’s slowly breaching him. Jesus, he’s gonna die.

The tongue slowly fucks his hole, pushing in deeper and wiggling before pulling back out and licking and sucking on his sensitive rim before diving in for more. His hole getting looser and he’s keening as his cock throbs.

Then two fingers are rubbing over his rim and when the tongue slides back into his hole, the fingers nudge inside too. The fingers and tongue fuck him in an achingly slow rhythm, leaving Scott a shaking mess, making sounds he has no control over.

It seems to go on forever, until the tongue and fingers slowly withdraw. Scott whines at the loss. He feels empty and that’s not good.

“Shhh, it’s okay. I gotta get this hole lubed up and then it’ll be ready for my cock.”

Scott keeps whining and shifting his ass until the fingers finally come back. There are three of them now, they’re lubed up and they slide right into his ass, making Scott groan at the stretch. The fingers twist and thrust and a slick thumb is rubbing his rim.

“Look at this slutty hole. Swallowing my fingers. Already got fucked with my tongue and my fingers, but you want my cock, don’t you? Such a greedy slut, aren’t you?”

Scott nods happily, feeling a proud smile on his face at those words and he shifts his ass as much as he can, fucking those fingers before they pull out. Ryan’s thumbs pull his hole open. “Look at how you’re gaping open, like a needy cock slut. So fucking gorgeous.”

Scott grins. Oh, he’s definitely a needy cock slut and he’s so proud of it. He’s making Ryan happy, he’s happy too and he’s gonna get fucked soon, just like he desperately wants.

There’s the sound of some crinkling, then the familiar feel of Ryan’s latex covered cockhead is rubbing over his rim, slotting into his loose hole, pushing in just a bit before retreating and tracing his rim again. Ryan repeats the pattern over and over, teasing him.

Scott whines and shifts his ass as much as he can and Ryan lets out a warm chuckle. “Such a needy cock slut. You want my cock in your ass so bad, don’t you?”

Nodding his head frantically, Scott is fixated on how the cock is slipping and rubbing over his hole that it takes him by complete surprise when the cock slides right in, filling him up with its warm thickness. It takes his breath away and he’s left gaping up at the ceiling, arching his back and crying out from how good it feels.

“That’s a good boy. I’m gonna fuck you and you’re gonna love it so much, won’t you? Such a good cock slut, aren’t you?”

Scott’s eyes have drifted closed and he can barely breathe because of how good he feels. He certainly doesn’t have the ability to nod his head, so he just lies there, basking in his warm, floating place.

“Scotty, gimme a sign.”

That gets Scott’s attention and he manages to holds up the index finger and thumb from his right hand, while still keeping his eyes closed and his head thrown back on the pillow.

“Good boy.”

Finally, that warm, thick cock is thrusting into his ass and his body lights up as he groans and keens. He relaxes into it and pays attention to all the sensations around him: his hands wrapped in those warm cuffs that feel like protective hands, keeping him safe, his legs being so lovingly held open by the gentle cuffs and thick chains, Ryan’s wonderful hands clutching his thighs and his amazing cock fucking him, filling him up and making him feel whole.

Ryan’s breathing hard and gasping out wonderful words, telling him what a good boy he is, how good of a cock slut he’s being, how hot he looks and how amazing his hole feels around his cock. Ryan’s thighs are slapping against his ass, warming the skin and his hands are tight on his thighs, reminding Scott how his legs are splayed open, exposing himself as a slut, and he’s never felt happier.

Then the angle of Ryan’s thrusts change and his cock brushes over Scott’s prostate, sending intense shivers of heat through him and making him cry out.

“That’s a good boy. You’re gonna come now. You’re gonna come without me touching you. Be a good boy and come for me.”

The order, combined with the intense emotions he’s feeling send him hurtling closer to that edge. He doesn’t think, he’s just fixated on the cock thrusting into him, his arms and legs being restrained and Ryan taking such good care of him and telling him to come, and then his orgasm slams through him and he’s coming with a shout.

His eyes are squeezed closed and he’s coming without anybody touching his cock and he’s floating in his warm, happy place.

“Fuck, that’s the hottest thing I’ve ever seen. Jesus! What a good boy you are, Scotty. Such a good boy! I’m so proud of you.”

The words seem to be coming from very far away and Scott eagerly waits for the cock to come inside him, filling him with warm cum that will run out of his ass while he lies there afterwards—

—but there’s no cum. The cock twitches a bit as it comes, but there’s no cum. It takes Scott a second to figure out that there’s no cum because Ryan was wearing a condom and that’s terribly disappointing, but then he’s dealing with a much bigger problem: Ryan pulls his cock out.

The combination of the disappointment from Ryan not coming inside of him, together with Ryan pulling his cock out sends Scott tumbling into that dark abyss faster than he usually does. He though Ryan loved him and wanted to take care of him, but Ryan didn’t fill him with cum and pulled his cock out and that’s not good but Scott was a good boy and why did Ryan stop loving him?

His heart races in his chest as panic and despair set in, making him feel cold and alone. Opening his eyes, he cries out fearfully and Ryan appears in front of him and kisses him firmly on the lips.

“It’s okay, Scotty. I’m gonna take care of you, I promise. You’re doing so good and I’m so proud of you.”

Scott keeps whining and he’s shaking from the cold. He’s empty, he’s cold and he’s all alone…

Suddenly, a small cock is slid into his ass. It’s much smaller than the cock that had been fucking him, but it makes him feel full again and he gratefully clenches down on it, some of that panic fading.

Even better, another small cock is being pushed into his mouth and a soft strap is wrapped around his head. The feel of the cock’s weight on his tongue and filling his mouth settles him.

Clenching down on the cock in his ass and sucking hard on the cock in his mouth, the panic disappears and Scott relaxes again, feeling much better. His mouth and his ass are filled because somebody does love him and they don’t want him to be alone. In fact, it’s Ryan who loves him. Ryan’s taking care of him because Ryan loves him and Scott’s not alone, he’s got Ryan and everything will be okay.

“That’s better, huh? I know you’re cold. I’m gonna fix that in just a second. I gotta get you down first.”

His legs are gently lowered, making him realize how stiff they feel. His arms are being lowered to his chest and they’re stiff too. But his ankles, thighs and wrists are still being held in those comforting, loving cuffs, so he’s not too worried about the stiffness in his limbs. Things get even better when a fluffy blanket is covering him and he’s being pulled against a solid, warm body and strong arms are wrapping themselves around him.

“There we go. That’s a good boy. I love—I love taking care of you so much. I’m gonna take really good care of you, I promise. There we go.”

Oh, this is amazing. Scott’s eyes drift closed and he sleepily snuggles against Ryan—because that’s who the warm body and strong arms belong to—and sucks on the cock in his mouth. He’s relaxed and sleepy, and also very, very happy. His hands are curled up close to him, the soft cuffs wrapped around them. Whenever he clenches his ass, there isn’t that cold emptiness, but there’s the amazing cock filling him. And the cock in his mouth stays put, no matter how he turns his head.

This is what it feels like to be loved. He’s no longer falling, he’s just floating. Not in his happy, light place, but in a warm, comfortable place. It’s dark, but the darkness feels warm and full of love.

Ryan rubs his arms up and down his back, then gently run down his legs and start massaging deep circles on his thighs. It feels so good that Scott groans into Ryan’s chest. At one point, Ryan’s hand drifts up to his crack and rubs over the base of the cock in his hole and Scott’s eyes fly open as he stiffens, scared that Ryan will pull it out.

A kiss is pressed to his forehead. “It’s okay, relax. I’m not gonna take it out. I was just making sure it was still in right. I’m never gonna take it out, I promise. It’s yours and you decide when you wanna take it out.”

That reassures Scott and he calms again, relaxing against Ryan. He’s very tired and also very happy as he listens to Ryan’s calm, soothing words while he drifts off to sleep.

* * *

When Scott wakes up, he just lies there, relaxed and feeling a bone-deep calmness in his entire body. But he’s also too hot, and the plus in his ass is a bit uncomfortable. Shifting, he pushes the blanket down, using his legs to kick it off. Reaching down, he fumbles for the base of the plug and pulls it out.

Ryan shifts underneath him. “Hey, Scotty. Welcome back to planet Earth.”

Scott tries to respond, then he still has the gag plug on, so he reaches up and pulls it off before letting his head drop onto Ryan’s chest again. “Hey,” he says, his voice hoarse and barely above a whisper.

“How you feeling?”

The only response Scott can think of is to groan happily, which makes Ryan chuckle. Taking both plugs from him, Ryan sits up, pulling Scott up too, but keeping him pressed to his warm chest. “You want some water?”

“Yeah.”

Reaching over, Ryan puts the plugs on the bedside table and grabs a bottle of water. Scott’s limbs are still a bit useless, so he’s glad that Ryan helps hold the bottle to his lips. He sips the water, feeling the cool liquid sooth his dry throat and mouth. “Mmm. Oh, that’s nice,” he mumbles.

Ryan rubs his back and whenever Scott parts his lips, the bottle’s back, helping him drink. When Scott’s had enough, he lies back down against Ryan, watching him drink.

When Ryan puts down the bottle, he grabs the familiar cloth. “Let’s get you cleaned up a bit.”

All Scott has to do is sling his leg over Ryan’s thighs and the moist cloth gently rubs up his crack, wiping his hole and the insides of his thighs. “There we go.”

Ryan lies back down, tosses the cloth onto the table and pulls Scott against his chest, wrapping an arm around him.

Scott closes his eyes, feeling calm and happy. He feels a kiss on his forehead.

“You need anything else?”

“Just you, staying where you are. But I need another arm around me. The cuddling is lacking some quality and your octopus isn’t impressed.”

Ryan laughs, the sound vibrating through them both and then both of Ryan’s arms wrap tightly around his back. “Is that better?”

“Mmm. It’s okay, I guess.”

When Ryan keeps laughing and lightly smacks him on the ass, Scott chuckles into his chest and kisses it as an apology. Then he closes his eyes and basks in the feel of Ryan surrounding him.

* * *

A while later, Scott finally feels ready to get up and use his limbs. “I’m gonna make dinner.”

Ryan yawns and releases his arms from around him. “Okay. You want help?”

Sitting up, Scott bends down and kisses Ryan on the lips. “Nah. You just relax. Time for me to take care of you.”

Ryan’s eyes are shining. “Thank you.” He reaches up, runs his hand through Scott’s hair and pulls him down to kiss him, the kisses warm and soft.

When Ryan releases him, Scott grabs Ryan’s hand as it’s sliding down and kisses his palm. The way Ryan’s lying there, smiling up at him makes Scott’s heart glow. Oh, he’s definitely in trouble. If there was any doubt before, that’s disappeared. Scott’s an idiot who’s definitely fallen in love with Ryan.

But that’s okay. He won’t ever tell Ryan and they can keep doing this amazing…thing that they’re doing. This is the best thing that’s ever happened to Scott and he’s going to do whatever he can to preserve their friendship, their work partnership and their…kinky partnership.

If that means not telling Ryan how he really feels, so be it. If that means Ryan will one day find somebody he thinks he could fall in love with, Scott will be supportive. Even if that’ll mean the end of their sexual arrangement, Scott will keep loving him quietly. Ryan deserves that respect, and Scott will just have to learn to live with it.

“You okay?” Ryan’s frowning up at him. He reaches up and touches Scott’s face.

Shit. Scott hopes nothing weird was showing on his face. He puts on a smile. “I’m fine. Just remembering how good the scene went.”

Ryan smiles. “Yeah, we did good, huh? We gotta talk about a couple things, but we’ll do that later.”

Scott has no idea what Ryan wants to talk about, but he keeps his smile even. “Okay.”

“Hey?”

“Hmm?”

“Before you go, I have a request.”

Scott smiles. “What’s the request?”

Ryan looks a bit shy, which is very unlike him. “Can I have another kiss before you go?”

Grinning down at him, Scott straddles him and bends down, planting his arms on the pillow on either side of Ryan’s head. “You can have as many kisses as you want,” he whispers against Ryan’s lips.

Before Ryan can make a smartass remark, Scott kisses him, a warm feeling growing in his belly. He’s definitely in trouble.


	13. Chapter 13

After dinner, Ryan’s doing something on the computer while he’s on the recliner and Scott’s sprawled out on the couch, watching television. He’s really missing touching Ryan but he’s keeping his mouth shut about it because he doesn’t want his octopus routine getting annoying. Plus, Ryan’s letting him spend the rest of the weekend here, so he’ll get to cuddle with Ryan once they go to bed. Scott just has to wait a few more hours. He can do that, because he’s not as pathetic as that voice in his head tells him he is. He _is_ a little pathetic—his desire to cling to Ryan at every available opportunity should have calmed down by now—but he’s not as pitiful as he used to think he is.

A huge part of that is thanks to Ryan. He never minds if Scott stays over, even if they don’t have sex on certain days. Ryan also doesn’t mind sharing his bed with Scott, which is fantastic.

What Scott especially loves is that Ryan still seems to think it’s a privilege to put his plug into Scott before he goes to sleep. Once Ryan’s changed and ready for bed, he’ll climb onto the bed and Scott will happily spread his legs, exposing himself and eagerly waiting for Ryan to gently open him up and slide his plug into him. Sometimes Scott will get turned on and Ryan will jerk him off, but the last few times have stayed platonic, which Scott thinks is progress.

Ryan will always make sure it’s sitting perfectly and Scott’s fully comfortable before he pulls the blanket over them and lies down next to Scott. They always start out clinging to each other but even once they roll apart as they drift off to sleep, Ryan’s never far away. It’s wonderful and it’s another reason why Scott loves sleeping in Ryan’s apartment.

What’s not wonderful is that he’s watching some terrible police procedural show which was clearly written by people who have no idea how detectives actually do their job. That’s annoying, but it’s nicely distracting him from his urge to crawl into Ryan’s lap.

“So Scotty, we gotta talk about what happened during the scene. You wanna do that now or later?”

Scott glares at the television, only half-listening to Ryan. The detective—and Scott hates applying that term to the idiot—is investigating a crime scene in the victim’s home and he just found a bottle of wine on the table and he’s busy drinking it. “Did you see that? The idiot just grabbed the wine bottle and started fucking drinking it. Where the hell do these writers do their research?”

Ryan laughs. “Quit watching garbage that’ll just annoy you. Did you hear my question?”

Scott has no idea what Ryan needs to discuss about the scene, but he turns off the television and relaxes into the couch. Unlike a few weeks ago, Scott now feels a lot more comfortable talking about sex-related things with Ryan and he’s not too anxious about the upcoming conversation. He’s a little anxious, but not too much. “Yeah, I heard. I think the scene went really well. What’s there to discuss? You wanna plan for next week?”

“Well, yeah, most of it went well. But I wanna talk about the part where you grabbed the chains.”

A cold shudder runs through Scott and that small bit of anxiety flares into a raging fire. Shit. Oh, shit, shit, shit! He’s completely forgotten about that.

He remembers having grabbed one of the chains because of a sudden urge to wrap them around his neck, despite having promised Ryan not to touch the chains with his hands or feet. He also remembers that Ryan got angry and Scott had been so sure that Ryan would punish him. He’d waited for the slap, the horrible name-calling, and of course—being thrown into the corner. None of that had happened and he thinks he remembers Ryan forgiving him, but maybe that’s not what Ryan meant? Maybe Ryan always intended to punish him later?

Fuck, Scott made a mess of things! Well, of course, he did! He’s a stupid, worthless slut. Of course he screwed everything up! Ryan gave him something wonderful and it took Scott such a short time to fuck things up. This is why nobody wants him around. This is why people will only tolerate him when he’s a hole for them to fuck. But when they try to do nice things to him like tie him up, he fucks it up!

Now he’s gonna get punished, just like he deserves and then Ryan will say he’s not doing any other scenes with Scott because he’s a waste of time and Scott will be back to being by himself because that’s what he deserves.

In the middle of the raging inferno that his anxiety is lighting up in his head, there’s a small thought that keeps interrupting him. It’s a bit of an irrelevant thought, but Scott’s glad to focus on that rather than how badly he’d fucked up and what a disappointing, worthless piece of shit he is.

The thought is this: hadn’t Ryan promised that their dom and sub roles only apply during scenes? That he wouldn’t treat Scott like a sub outside of scenes?

On the bright side, the punishment won’t feel nearly as bad now that he’s not in subspace. He probably won’t even care if he has to go into the corner, he’ll just be annoyed if Ryan slaps him and shoves him into it.

But…does he have to let Ryan do that to him right now? If they’re not in their dom and sub roles, doesn’t Scott get to say no? It sucks being punished when he’s in subspace, but being punished when they’re just Ryan and Scott will make things weird between them. Well, maybe that’s something they have to discuss. He’ll tell Ryan that if the punishment is deserved—which it definitely had been—then he has to punish Scott during the scene, not after.

The anxiety interrupts, telling Scott that Ryan won’t want to do any other scenes with him. Why would he when Scott’s a—

Shut up, shut up, shut up! Ryan never said anything about stopping scenes!

…Yet!

Well, yes. He’ll probably say he doesn’t want to do scenes again, but until he says that, Scott will pretend he has a future to look forward to.

So, back to his other problem. Can Scott demand that punishments only happen during scenes? Can he dictate punishment terms like that? Is that allowed? Technically, Scott fucked up during the scene, so it makes sense that the dom can delay the punishment. Can Ryan make that decision without Scott’s input?

“Scotty? What’s going on?”

Scott blinks, and suddenly Ryan’s kneeling in front of him. He’s not touching Scott but he looks very worried.

“I—I’m just—I—I don’t—” There are so many thoughts doing battle in his head that it’s hard to talk.

“I don’t know what’s going on in your head right now, but I promise that I’m not mad. You seem anxious about something, but if you’re worried that I’m angry, then I promise I’m not.”

That’s a lie. Well, it doesn’t look like Ryan’s lying, but he must be. “I—I grabbed the chains.”

“I know you did. And I told you to let go and you did, and you didn’t touch the chains for the rest of the scene. Is that what you’re worried about? That I was still mad?”

Wordlessly, Scott nods his head.

He sees Ryan lift his hand towards him and Scott flinches, sure that a slap is coming. All of Ryan’s nice words were a cover, an attempt to prove what a dumb slut Scott is and now he’ll have to pay for it. Now he’ll get punished for both the chain thing and for being stupid and gullible and—

“Scotty, please talk to me. I won’t touch you if you don’t want me to, but I think there’s something really bad going on in your head and I can’t tell what it is.”

Scott stares at Ryan, carefully assessing his facial expression. He doesn’t look angry, just really worried. He’d dropped his hand and Scott notices he’s even put his hands behind his back.

Ryan’s kneeling on the carpet, his hands behind his back, looking up at Scott and it occurs to Scott that it’s not a position an angry dom would ever put himself into. In fact, has Ryan given any indication that he’s not being sincere when he says he forgave Scott?

But Scott screwed up and when he screws up, there needs to be punishment, which means a slap and words that cut into his soul and then the corner and then Ryan will never want to do scenes with him again and—

Stop it, stop it, stop it! Look at the evidence! Ryan said he forgave him. Ryan isn’t giving any indication that he’s still angry or considering punishing him.

“Can we—can we still do scenes together?” He manages to whisper, shaking from fear and also desperate hope.

To his relief, Ryan’s reply is immediate. “Of course! This has nothing to do with me not wanting to do scenes with you. That’s not what this is about at all.”

Scott stares at him with wide eyes. “Seriously? We can still do scenes together?”

“Absolutely. I promise, that hasn’t changed at all. Not doing scenes together hadn’t even crossed my mind.”

That cruel voice in his head gets a little quieter as Ryan’s words throw water on a small part of that raging fire in his head and extinguish those flames. But that still leaves a bunch of issues to address. Ryan promised that outside of a scene, Scott is Scott, not a sub. Which means Ryan has no right to punish him outside of a scene, right? “If—if a scene is done, I’m not your sub anymore, right? I don’t have to do what you say?”

Ryan nods. “Yeah, that’s right. You’re you and I’m me.”

“So if I screw up during a scene, you can’t use that against me when the scene is done?”

That makes Ryan frown. “I—you’re talking about two different things but both of them are things you don’t have to worry about. No matter what happens in a scene, once it’s done, you’re you and I’m me. I’m never gonna treat you different because of what happens during a scene. Ever. Okay?”

Scott stares at him. Ryan seems sincere and those words match what they’d agreed on. But that doesn’t address his main concern. “So if I screw up during a scene, you can punish me during the scene but not after?”

That would suck. Punishments are a million times worse if they happen when he’s in subspace. They always make him fall out of his happy place and drop like a stone. But he can’t have it both ways, can he? He can either be Ryan’s sub all the time—and maybe get permission to delay punishments until after he’s out of subspace—or if he’s Ryan’s sub just during scenes, then he needs to be punished during scenes. So the only solution is for Scott to always be a good boy, but that’s easier said than done. There are times when his body just does things on its own because he’s a stupid, worthless slut and—

“Scotty, I’d never punish you for making a mistake during a scene.”

Those words bring Scott’s racing thoughts to a halt, but not due to relief. He scoffs. Ryan must really think he’s an idiot. “Yeah, right.”

Ryan raises an eyebrow. “Yeah. Right. I never punish subs. The whole discipline aspect of a dom-sub relationship is a big no-no for me. I can’t handle it. It reminds me way too much of what my dad used to do to me and I can’t do that to somebody else, even if they consent to it. Some subs really need to be held to high standards and they wanna be disciplined by a dom, and that’s fine. But that means I’m not the right dom for them. Reprimanding a sub if they’re doing something that might cause a scene to go sideways or puts them in danger is one thing, but I’d never punish a sub during a scene or after. It doesn’t matter what they do.”

“But having a sub obey you is the whole point of a scene. If I just do my own thing, then things would fall apart.”

Ryan gives him a soft smile. “Do you really wanna do your own thing during a scene?”

Scott scoffs. “No. That’s the whole point of having a dom. Besides, you’ve seen me when I’m in subspace. Any decisions I make would probably be dumb and wouldn’t lead to happy times for me.”

“So you don’t wanna be a brat during scenes anyway, right?”

“No. I want the scenes to go well.”

“Right. So the only time things would go sideways is if your body gets out of your control, like it did when you grabbed the chains.”

Scott frowns. “But that was definitely me being a brat.”

“Was it? Did you make the conscious decision to screw around and do what I told you not to do?”

“Well…no.”

“Exactly. Your body just reacted to the chains and your brain moves at a snail’s pace when you’re in subspace and you didn’t have time to stop your hands before I did. But that’s not being a brat and it’s not something I’d ever wanna punish you for. I reprimanded you, you stopped doing it and that’s the end of it.”

A small flicker of hope lights up in Scott’s chest. He searches Ryan’s face and he still looks completely sincere. But Ryan’s attitude is at odds with what Scott has experienced with doms so far and he needs to dig deeper to see if Ryan’s words really mean what he thinks they mean. “Let’s do some hypotheticals, okay?”

Ryan shifts so he’s sitting on the carpet. He’s made no move to sit on the couch with Scott. “Okay.”

“What if I do something wrong, you reprimand me and I do it again?”

“Then I’d reprimand you again. If it’s becoming a continuous problem, then we’d have to change how we do things in scenes. Like with the chains, if you keep grabbing them, I’d make sure I restrain your hands right when we start so you can’t grab them.”

“But you wouldn’t punish me? Even if I do it multiple times?”

“No.”

Scott chews his lips. “What if—what if do something really bad, like coming before you tell me to?”

Ryan smiles softly. “That’s not ‘really bad’. Listen, there’s two reasons why I tell you not to come until I tell you to, but neither of them have anything to do with my desire to make a sub suffer. First, I tell you that because I know you like following orders. But because you get the way you do when you’re in subspace, there’s only so many things I can tell you to do that you have any hope of actually doing successfully, right? If I told you to do fifty push-ups, there’s no point because you wouldn’t be able to do it even if you really, really tried. You’d just get upset and that’s stupid.”

“So…it’s supposed to be like a fun challenge?”

“Exactly. If you had problems with your stamina, then I wouldn’t give you that order. But as long as I don’t do anything to push you too hard and leave your cock alone when things get really intense, then you can follow that order relatively easily, right? You enjoy it, I enjoy it and that’s what matters. Second, you tend to drop out of subspace really fast after you orgasm, so if you came too fast all the time, I’d need to work a lot harder to keep you in subspace or the scenes would finish too fast. There’s nothing wrong with that, but we both like having scenes go for a while, right?”

Scott smiles. “Yeah. Yeah, we do. So…what if I’m just having an off day or something takes me by surprise and I just come out of nowhere?”

Ryan thinks for a while. “Well…I’m getting better at reading you every time we have sex and I think I can tell if you’re getting close. If it’s not the right time, I’d do my best to pull back and slow things down, but if you’re beyond the point of stopping, then I’d just pretend I changed my mind and I’d tell you to come right then and there and you wouldn’t get upset over disobeying me.”

Relief fills Scott and he laughs softly. Ryan’s policies are a dream come true. “I like that.”

Ryan smiles. “Yeah? That’s good.”

“I can’t believe I never have to worry about being punished again.”

Ryan’s smile fades and he looks sad. “Did the assholes punish you?”

Scott makes a face. “Yeah. I was never a brat but accidents happened. They liked telling me not to come but then they’d do all kinds of things to my cock. They’d deliberately try to make me come and I’d always end up coming before they told me to. Or I’d fall over if they put me into a stupid position. They acted like I disobeyed them on purpose and they’d get really mad and punish me. It always…it felt horrible. I’d be floating in my happy place and boom—they’d slap me and throw me into the corner and call me horrible names and I’d just come crashing down. I’d get so scared and cold. I’d be cowering in the corner and I’d hate myself for screwing up. But it wasn’t my fault, was it?”

Ryan’s eyes are filled with sadness. “No. No, it wasn’t. If a sub is genuinely trying to obey orders that their dom gives and they can’t do it, then it’s the dom’s fault. If a sub wants to be trained, that’s one thing. But putting impossible expectations on a sub isn’t fair.”

God, Scott loves this man so much. “Can I hug you?”

Ryan chuckles, still looking upset, but Scott knows he’s not upset with Scott. “You never have to ask that.”

Sliding off the couch, Scott climbs into Ryan’s lap and wraps his arms around his shoulders, pressing his forehead against Ryan’s. Ryan slowly lifts his own arms and wraps them around Scott but he’s holding him very carefully.

“You can hold me tighter, you know,” Scott mumbles.

Ryan looks at him carefully. “I don’t wanna scare you.”

Oh, right. Scott remembers flinching earlier when he’d thought Ryan would slap him. But now he knows that’ll never happen, no matter what happens in a scene. “I reacted out of instinct when I flinched.”

“I’d never hurt you like that,” Ryan whispers.

Scott presses a soft kiss to Ryan’s lips. “I know.”

“No hitting, no punishments, no corners. Ever. I promise. That’s not—I don’t want any of that being part of what we do.”

“I believe you.”

“Yeah?” Ryan sounds hopeful, but doubtful.

Kissing Ryan more firmly, Scott leans back so he can look at him seriously. “Yeah.”

Finally, Ryan’s arms tighten around him until he’s holding Scott very tightly, clinging to him. At first, Scott had thought this comfort was just to make him feel better, but it occurs to him that Ryan’s also having a hard time.

His theory is confirmed when Ryan quietly starts talking. “He used to put me in the corner too. I’d do something bad by accident, mostly when I was scared. I’d drop a dish or I wouldn’t hand him the remote fast enough. Stuff like that. He’d beat me and throw me into the corner. He’d make me kneel there for hours.”

Scott stays frozen, listening to Ryan. Ryan rarely talks about the abuse he’d suffered at the hands of his dad and every time he brings it up, Scott’s heart aches with pain and a desperate desire to make sure Ryan never suffers like that again. He’ll never allow anybody to hurt Ryan like that again, no matter what it takes.

Tightening his arms around Ryan, Scott presses his head against the side of Ryan’s. “I’m sorry,” he whispers.

Ryan’s quiet for a while, but Scott can feel his arms still clutching him.

“No more corners,” Scott whispers. “For either of us.”

“No. Never.”

“I believe you.”

When Ryan doesn’t reply, Scott pulls back and grabs Ryan’s chin in a firm grip, looking at him seriously. “You hear me? I believe you and I trust you. I know you’re never gonna hurt me like that. You’re not your dad and you never will be.”

Ryan manages a weak smile. “Sometimes it’s hard to remember that. The line gets so blurry being a dom.”

“The difference is that I’m consenting to every single thing we do and I enjoy it. If I didn’t, then you wouldn’t do it. You taught me that. What those assholes did to me, that’s not what being a real dom is about. Some of the actions may be the same, but the context and the intent behind everything are completely different.”

That makes Ryan’s smile grow a bit brighter and he leans forward and kisses Scott. The kisses aren’t hesitant and Scott eagerly kisses him back, winding his arms around his neck and parting his lips to deepen the kiss.

The rest of the tension drains out of Ryan as they keep kissing. The minutes slowly tick by and Scott would happily spend the rest of the day right here, but he remembers that Ryan had wanted to discuss more things about their scene before they’d veered off into this discussion about punishments. If Ryan’s too distracted to get things back on track, Scott should step in.

Giving Ryan one last hard kiss, Scott pulls back. “So. As much as I’d love to keep making out with you, you wanted to talk about the scene and I completely derailed that discussion.”

Ryan frowns, looking confused. Then his face lights up. “Oh, right! Yeah, we gotta talk about the chains. I wanted to do that now before we forget.”

Scott smiles. “I figured. So I’m gonna be good and get off your lap so we can get back to appropriate post-scene discussion positions.”

Climbing off Ryan’s lap, Scott gets back on the couch and points at the recliner. “Please have a seat, Detective Harris. Let’s continue discussing the chains.”

Smiling, Ryan gets off the carpet and sits on the recliner. “Right.”

Now that he knows Ryan’s really not angry, he’s willing to keep doing scenes, punishments are a part of his past and he’ll never have to suffer through them again, Scott’s entire mood is lighter and he’s relaxed. His anxiety has fallen completely silent, having been defeated by Ryan’s words. “So you wanted to talk about the chains, but not about you being mad that I grabbed them?”

Blinking, Ryan nods and Scott can see him mentally catching up. “Uh, yeah. So…the chains. You liked them, huh?”

Scott grins. “Yeah, I really liked them. Really, _really_ liked them.” 

Ryan chuckles. It sounds strained, but he seems to be making an effort to move past their earlier discussion. “Yeah, I saw that. We can play with them whenever we want, but I wanna know why you were trying to wrap it around your neck. Was it a breath play thing or a bondage thing? Or both?”

Scott blinks. “Breath play?”

“Yeah. Some people like having their breathing cut off.”

Just the thought of his breathing being cut off is very, very exciting and he flushes with embarrassment at how much he likes the idea. He didn’t even consider that as a motivation behind what he was doing, but maybe the idea has always been in the back of his head and he just hasn’t spent time thinking about it? But anyway, there’s a much more plausible explanation. “I think it was a bondage thing. The bondage is amazing but…I honestly don’t know what else my brain was thinking. I really like having something cut off my breathing. I think…that’s why I like deep throating; I like having a cock cut off my breathing and I like knowing it’ll give me my breathing back. But I don’t know if that’s what my brain was really thinking about when I grabbed the chains.”

Ryan doesn’t look disgusted, just thoughtful. “I’ve done some breath play, but it’s really dangerous. I don’t do any breath play that involves restricting the outside of the neck. It’s way too dangerous. So if you wanted to use the chains as a way to restrict your breathing, that’s not something I’m willing to play around with.”

Scott shakes his head. “No, I agree. I wouldn’t wanna do that either when I’m thinking clearly, but that’s the problem: I wasn’t thinking. You know my brain has the IQ of a bowl of pudding when I’m in subspace. I didn’t have any other thoughts in my head except that I wanted to wrap those chains around my neck. It never occurred to me that I wouldn’t be able to breathe or that I could hurt myself.”

In fact, that makes a cold shudder run through him. He hadn’t even realized what danger he’d put himself into. If he’d managed to wrap the chain around his neck and somehow gotten it hooked to the headboard, he could have easily killed himself.

Jesus.

Clenching his jaw, he sits up. “Fuck. I didn’t even think about that.” He turns his head and stares at Ryan with wide eyes.

Ryan looks scared too. “Yeah, I know you didn’t. That’s why I got angry because it scared the shit out of me. Part of me knew I could easily get the chains away from you—you have the coordination of a newborn lamb when you’re in subspace—but just the possibility of you hurting yourself like that scared me. I know I reacted a bit too harsh for just a little mistake, but I was really scared.”

Fuck. Scott realizes that the situation could have gone very, very differently if he’d been with a dom who didn’t care about him. Like that idiot who’d agreed to hold his loaded gun while Scott sucked on it. It wasn’t that those idiots really forced him to do those dangerous things, but they’d suggested them or they did nothing to stop Scott when he wanted to do those things—despite not being in any position to make those kinds of decisions for himself. For the first time, he feels annoyed at how those assholes had treated him. Sure, they’d never promised to take care of him and not giving a shit about somebody else isn’t against the law…but it’s annoying.

It makes him appreciate Ryan even more. The only reason Scott didn’t hurt himself—or worse—is because Ryan was paying attention and he cared enough to stop him. “I’m really glad you stopped me.”

Ryan looks at him, his eyes sad. “Of course, I did,” he says softly. “Even if breath play was something you wanted to try, a responsible dom never introduces a new kink in the middle of a scene. I know you’re mentally compromised when you’re in subspace and I’d be a piece of shit if I took advantage of that. And anybody who has taken advantage of that in the past—like that asshole who let you suck on your loaded gun—is garbage and doesn’t deserve to touch any human being, never mind you.”

Ryan’s words make a warm fire light up in Scott’s belly and he smiles. But despite the comfort of those words, the whole situation still rubs him the wrong way. “I’m sorry I’m so fucking useless when I’m in subspace. I hate that I’m fumbling around like an ignorant child and you have to be responsible for keeping me safe.”

Ryan frowns at him. “You say it like it’s a bad thing, but that’s what I love about being a dom. I love being responsible for keeping my sub—sorry, _a_ sub—safe and happy. It’s such a rush for me to steer a scene and know that you’re putting your trust and your life into my hands. It’s a gift, not a burden. And those who took advantage of that gift, they didn’t deserve to have it in the first place.”

Well, Scott’s already established that he’s ridiculously in love with Ryan, so the way his heart glows at those words isn’t a surprise. He also noticed that Ryan had accidentally used possessive language—calling him ‘my sub’—and it means the world to him that Ryan caught and corrected his mistake. But actually, Scott thinks he might have liked hearing Ryan call him ‘my sub’…but that’s a whole other issue that he doesn’t have the energy to examine right now. There’s something much more important that he needs to say. “Hey?”

“Hmm?”

“Thank you for making me let go of the chains.”

“That’s not something you have to thank me for. That’s something any responsible dom should have done, never mind somebody who cares about you like I do.”

“And that’s exactly why I’m thanking you.”

Ryan gives him a soft smile. “So, you really did like using the chains, huh?”

Scott grins. “You know I did. Can we…can we use them for more bondage? Not now—maybe not anytime soon—but at some point?”

Scott can see Ryan smile. “Like full body bondage?”

A thrill of excitement runs through Scott. “Uh huh.”

Ryan’s smile turns into a grin. “I’d like that. You looked good with the chains on.”

Scott chuckles. “We’re a match made in heaven, Harris.”

“Yeah. Fucking heaven.”

Groaning at Ryan’s bad joke, Scott laughs. Whenever Ryan’s in the mood to make bad jokes, Scott knows he’s feeling good. But he’ll definitely be keeping a close eye on Ryan tonight.

* * *

It takes Ryan most of Sunday to calm down from the scene they’d done, but it’s not Scott’s chain grabbing that’s taking up most of his thoughts.

Scott’s grip on the chains hadn’t been very strong and Ryan could have easily taken it out of his hands and gotten rid of the chains before Scott was even aware of what was going on. Ryan fully trusts himself during scenes and the fact that he’s in love with Scott makes him even more hyper-vigilant than he usually is during scenes.

When he gets into domspace, his adrenaline is so high and he’s so hyper-focused on his sub that he notices every muscle twitch, every facial shift, every tiny sound. There’s no chance Scott could have wrapped those chains around his neck and somehow gotten himself into a position where he would have struggle to breathe without Ryan noticing. No chance.

Now that he knows how much the chains turn Scott on, he’ll keep an even closer eye on Scott when they’re using them. If things keep going well, he’ll probably ask Scott if he wants to revise the rule about not being allowed to touch the chains. He thinks Scott would probably like to touch the chains and once Ryan feels confident that he can keep Scott safe, he’ll be happy to re-negotiate.

He also trusts that Scott understands how much of a danger he can be to himself when he’s in subspace. Ryan’s reasonably sure that he’ll be able to keep Scott happy and satisfied enough so Scott won’t ever go looking for random assholes on the internet again who give real doms a bad name. Keeping Scott happy so he doesn’t go looking for other doms isn’t an obligation, it’s a privilege and Ryan will do whatever it takes to keep Scott satisfied.

Even though they’ve only done two scenes together, they’re ridiculously compatible. It also helps that most of their kinks line up, they’re completely comfortable around each other and their scenes are a lot of fun.

Ryan loves everything about how Scott reacts during scenes and how he makes Ryan feel. The strength of their connection is amazing. Ryan doesn’t only have a strong urge to keep Scott safe and help him heal from the horrible experiences he’s had, but Ryan feels amazing during scenes too and their interactions help heal the wounds in his own soul.

He’s never felt this connected to a sub before in his entire life, even the subs he’d fallen in love with. His prior relationship with Scott probably has a lot to do with it, since he already cared about him before this started. But the ease with which he falls into domspace when a scene starts and the rush of excitement he gets from the combined thoughts of how good the scene will make Scott feel and how good it’ll make him feel are new to him. Making his subs feel good is always a high priority for him, but he’s never felt so excited or comfortable before or during scenes.

The sad truth is that Scott isn’t Ryan’s sub, but Ryan’s definitely Scott’s dom. Ryan has no idea if Scott will ever feel the way he does about their dom-sub relationship, but Ryan will cling to whatever arrangement Scott lets them have.

The fact that he’s ridiculously in love with Scott is a whole separate issue. While he might have a small chance of one day having Scott do him the honor of letting Ryan call him ‘his’ sub, love will most likely never be an option.

And Ryan will have to learn to live with that.


	14. Chapter 14

Despite his small fuck-up with the chains, which had led to that stressful conversation afterwards, Scott’s really happy with how the scene had gone.

They’re only doing one scene per week, but Scott feels normal all the time now. It’s not a manic, euphoric feeling, but he just feels…right in his own body.

The bad scenes he’d done in the past might have involved him being in subspace, but the combination of bad things happening during the scene with the lack of good aftercare had always left him stressed and tense afterwards. Usually, he could get rid of that stress and tension by focusing on work and going to the gym, but now he doesn’t have to deal with that.

The results are fantastic. He can concentrate much better, it’s much easier to stay in a good mood and not let minor inconveniences drag him down into the muck, and he just feels more confident and comfortable with life. He’s still sleeping very well and his appetite is completely back to normal and he’s putting on the weight he’d lost during his bad month.

He’s done a pretty good job of making up for his atrocious behavior from the time before he and Ryan started doing scenes together, but some people are still walking on egg shells around him.

It becomes clear that he still has to mend some bridges when he and Ryan go to the morgue for the autopsy results for their newest victim. They’d been in the morgue last week, but Dr. Ishikura’s assistant, Heather, hadn’t been there that day.

This time, she’s there and the second she sees Scott, he can see her tense up and look uncomfortable.

Shit. Putting a polite smile on his face, Scott holds out his hand. “Hi, Dr. Wilkes. It’s great to see you again.”

She stares at him with wide eyes, maybe thinking this is a trick and he’s going to yell at her again. She lifts a hand and rubs at a leather choker necklace around her neck, fiddling with the little heart pendant hanging from it. She’s nervous.

Damn. Scott hates that he’d destroyed their professional relationship and that she thinks he’s some kind of bad-tempered jerk. That’s really not who he is.

Very cautiously, she takes his hand and shakes it, then releases it very quickly and clutches the folder she’s holding to her chest.

“I wanted to apologize again for my behavior the last time I saw you. My actions were unprofessional and rude. There’s no excuse and I promise that I won’t happen again. I’m really sorry.”

She nudges her glasses further up her nose and gives him a small smile. “It’s okay.”

But he can tell that she’s just trying to be polite.

Thankfully, Ryan steps around them and addresses Dr. Ishikura. “So, you have the autopsy results, Dr. Ishikura?”

The doctor has stayed at her desk and hasn’t even gotten up to greet them, which is unusual. Looking over her shoulder, Scott can see she’s typing up an email. “I don’t, but Dr. Wilkes does. This was her first solo autopsy, so she’ll handle the debrief herself.”

Scott grins at Heather. “Oh? Your first solo? That’s great! Congratulations.”

That brightens up her smile. “Thank you, Detective.”

She stares at him for a second longer, then Scott gently gestures at the folder. “We’re ready whenever you are. It’s your autopsy, so you’re in charge.”

“Oh, right. Okay, here we go.” Flipping the folder open, she looks over her notes. “Right, okay. So the victim is a Hispanic male, approximately 35 to 40 years of age. We don’t know exactly how old he is because we didn’t find any identification.”

Scott and Ryan know all of this information already—they’d been the ones who had told Dr. Ishikura at the scene that they hadn’t found any ID yet—but Scott knows she’s nervous and he lets her structure the debrief the way she wants to.

“You can see—oh, I guess we should go over to the body first. Sorry.”

Scott gives her an encouraging smile. “That’s fine, take your time. You’re doing great.”

They trail after her and Ryan pulls open the freezer door that she points out and Scott helps pull the tray with the body out.

They both step back as she removes the sheet from the body and consults her folder again. “Okay, so you can see there are abrasions on both of his wrists, indicating that he might have been restrained. I found some fibers in the wounds and I’ve send those to Trace.”

* * *

The autopsy debrief goes very well and Heather gradually relaxes when she sees that Scott and Ryan are both being supportive and aren’t making a big deal out of the few missteps she makes. When she’s done, Ryan and Scott both shake her hand and Scott’s feeling proud of her, despite only having met her before a handful of times.

“You really did great,” Scott tells her.

“Congratulations again!” Ryan says.

She’s glowing, looking very proud of herself.

When Scott passes Dr. Ishikura’s desk on their way to the door, he can see that she’s barely made any progress on the email she’d been writing and he knows she’s paying careful attention to everything that Heather was saying and doing, but hadn’t wanted to make her feel like she’s hovering. Scott decides to keep these observations to himself. “Have a good day, Dr. Ishikura.”

“Scotty?”

Stopping, Scott glances over at her. She slides her chair back from the computer and looks up at him. “I’m glad you’re back to behaving more like yourself. Whatever you’ve done to turn things around, keep doing it.”

Scott nods, while Ryan snorts out a laugh, which he tries to cover by pretending to sneeze, then he shields his face from view with the folder Heather had given them. Scott very deliberately keeps staring at the doctor and trying to ignore Ryan in his peripheral vision. “Yes, ma’am, I will.”

They both say goodbye to Dr. Ishikura and Heather, then head out the door. As soon as the glass doors are closed behind them, Ryan bursts out laughing.

Scott shakes his head and gives him a little shove, sending him stumbling into a wall. “Jerk.”

“I’m not being a jerk. I’m just happy my hard work is paying off.”

That makes Scott laugh too. “Yeah, yeah. Go ahead and take all the fucking credit.”

That makes Ryan laugh harder. “Oh, I’ll definitely take all the _fucking_ credit. _All_ of it.”

It’s only then that Scott realizes what he’d said and then he’s laughing too hard to keep walking and they have to stand in the hallway, laughing like idiots until they’re ready to get back to work.

* * *

When they’re back at their desks, Scott thinks about the situation with Heather. He’s made up with most of his colleague who he sees every day, but there are a lot of techs and other people he only sees sporadically and he’s been an ass to many of them too. Making rounds to personally apologize to all of them is time consuming, and it would be much better to apologize to everybody at the same time, using an apology gift that they’ll all appreciate.

He’d met up with Tyrell a few days ago for beers and having him be in great spirits after Scott had bought him a few rounds gives Scott an idea. Mentally apologizing to his bank account, he writes an email out to the department, the CSI techs and the morgue, inviting them all for a drink at the nearby bar they like to frequent. He’ll pay for one beer per person. Then he hits send before he can change his mind.

He doesn’t even have time to open a new file on his computer before Ryan laughs from his desk across from his.

“Oh, this is good! Can I upgrade my beer to something more expensive?”

Scott smiles. “You having trouble with reading comprehension, Harris? It says ‘one beer’.”

Ryan keeps laughing, but that’s when others around them start reading the email and a chorus of voices erupts around him—

“Sweet! Scotty’s buying a round of drinks!”

“Jenkins, you’re back to being one of my favorite people. You haven’t been on that list for a while, but you’re back up top.”

“Hey, Jenkins! Radner’s off sick today, can I get his drink?”

—and some people are coming up to him, slapping him on the back and jostling him. Scott’s feeling really good about his decision, when a voice cuts through the others.

“Jenkins! My office.”

The smile fades from Scott’s face when he recognizes Captain Ramirez’s voice. The excited chatter around the room dies down and Scott looks up to see the Captain standing in the doorway of his office. Scott can’t tell from his facial expression if he’s happy or upset, but Scott hustles to get off his chair. Exchanging a worried look with Ryan, he hurries to the office.

Once Scott’s inside, Captain Ramirez shuts the door behind him but doesn’t sit down. That’s usually a good thing.

Captain Ramirez stares at him for a long moment before he finally cracks a smile. “Scotty, I want you to know that I’ve noticed the positive change in your behavior lately. I’m really proud of you for turning things around so quickly.”

Relief floods through him and Scott nods, a small smile on his face. He loves getting praised by the Captain. “Thank you, sir. That whole thing with the interrogation and you laying into me was the wake-up call I needed.”

Ramirez smiles. “Good. You’re one of my best detectives and I really didn’t like the direction you were going in. Now, you’re back on track and I want you to know that I noticed and I’m proud of you.”

Scott’s sure that he’s glowing. It might not be completely appropriate, but Scott’s always thought of Captain Ramirez as a parental figure, and making him proud is very important to him. “Thank you, sir.”

“Now, get back to work and I’ll see you at the bar.”

“Yes, sir. Oh, and I didn’t wanna put this in the email, but I’m buying you as many drinks as you want, sir.”

Captain Ramirez laughs. “I’ll take my one free beer, just like everybody else. But thank you for the thought.”

When Scott steps out of the Captain’s office, he can tell that everybody’s trying to hide the way they’re staring at him, wondering if the conversation went good or bad.

He grins. “When it’s quiet like this, I can tell you slackers aren’t doing any work. Get back to it, or the Captain and I will drink all of your free beers.”

That breaks the tension and Scott heads back to his desk. When he sits down, he looks across and sees Ryan giving him that soft smile.

“You’re doing good, Scotty,” he says quietly. “Really good.”

The words sound innocent, but Scott knows Ryan had chosen them deliberately, making them very close to the words he loves to hear during a scene.

A rush of happiness surges through him and he grins. “I like doing good. Now, come on, back to work. Did we get the Trace results from that fibers Heather found?”

* * *

Buying a round of beers that evening hurts Scott’s wallet, but helps with everything else. Everybody’s happy and they’re especially happy with Scott, so that makes him feel great. His good mood makes him feel social and he wanders around, chatting with people he doesn’t get a chance to talk to a lot. He doesn’t see Ryan a lot during the evening, but that’s okay.

He’s got special plans for him.

Ryan isn’t really taking as much credit for the change in Scott’s attitude as he thinks Ryan deserves. Without Ryan’s offer to be his dom, Scott would probably still be engaging in destructive behavior that could get him hurt, or he’d be continuing with his self-pity party that would end up costing him friends, eventually his job and probably his life.

Since this evening is all about making amends for past behavior and acknowledging the positive changes that he’s made, he wants to thank Ryan properly. And that will involve more than just one beer.

A few people end up drinking more than the one beer Scott buys them, so when the evening starts winding down, he plays designated driver and drives a handful of people home. By the time he’s done, it’s late, but not too late. He hadn’t planned on driving people home and he debates whether to carry out the plans he’d made for Ryan, but then decides to let Ryan choose.

Driving to Ryan’s apartment, he parks his car and walks past Ryan’s parking spot. His car’s there, so Ryan’s home. Punching Ryan’s apartment number into the intercom pad, he waits. While the phone rings, Scott glances around to make sure he doesn’t have any company. What he wants to say could get a little embarrassing if anybody overhears.

Finally, Ryan’s voice comes out of the intercom. “Hello?”

“Hello, sir. This is Happy Endings Deliveries. I have a package here for a Ryan Harris?”

There’s silence for a second, then Ryan must recognize his voice because he starts laughing. “Scotty? What are you doing?”

Scott grins, but refuses to cut short his carefully planned out speech. “Do I have the right apartment, sir?”

“You—uh—yeah, I guess. Yes? What—what is it?”

“Let me just check, sir.” Scott waits a beat, then glances around himself before he resumes, but he does lower his voice. “It looks like it’s a very sexy package. Says it contains one blow job. Let me just check the details…here it is, it says it’s a deep throat variety blow job.”

Ryan’s laughing so hard that Scott’s glad there’s nobody around. Struggling not to laugh, Scott keeps up the charade. It’s all been fun and games so far, but he wants to make sure that Ryan doesn’t feel pressured about accepting his ‘gift’. “If you’re not ready to claim the gift at this time, I can come back tomorrow or any other day that’s suitable for you, sir. There’s no expiration date on the package.”

“Oh, I’ll accept the package now. Yes, definitely now.” And there’s a buzz from Ryan opening the door for him.

Scott laughs and hurries to pull the door open and head inside. When he gets out of the elevator, Ryan’s already standing in his open doorway, grinning.

Laughing, Scott saunters up to him. “You’re excited to get your package, Detective Harris, huh? A little eager?”

“Just a little.”

“Uh huh.”

Ryan steps back to let Scott inside, then slams the door, locks it and shoves Scott up against it, kissing him hard, his hands gripping his hips.

Laughing against Ryan’s lips, Scott winds his arms around Ryan’s waist and pulls him close, parting his lips to deepen the kiss. He can taste beer in Ryan’s mouth and he sucks on his tongue, making Ryan groan and press him harder against the door. Ryan’s cock is getting interested where it’s pressed against his thigh and Scott shoves his leg up against it.

Groaning, Ryan rides his thigh and nips his lip. “Jesus. How the fuck do you do this to me?”

Smiling, Scott lets his hands slide down to Ryan’s ass, squeezing it and pulling him closer. “I’m very talented,” he mumbles in between kisses. “And also slutty. Very slutty.”

Laughing, Ryan kisses him a while longer, then pulls back, breathing hard. He doesn’t seem to notice that he’s still thrusting against Scott’s thigh. “Scotty, you—you—I—”

Squeezing Ryan’s ass through his sweatpants, Scott grins at him. “I’m usually the one who has problems with words.”

Chuckling, Ryan presses his forehead against Scott’s and closes his eyes, visibly trying to calm himself down.

Realizing that Ryan might want to say something important, Scott slowly releases his grip on his ass and lowers his thigh, letting Ryan calm down.

He can tell when Ryan’s breathing starts to slow that he’s back in control of himself. Clearing his throat, Ryan pulls his head back and stares at Scott. “You know you don’t owe me anything.”

Scott smiles. “I know. You already got your beer at the bar, so I’ve fulfilled my promises from the email.”

“That’s not what I mean. In general, I don’t want you feeling like you have to give me anything in exchange for what we do in the play room. Believe me, I’m not doing that as a favor. I love doing scenes with you as much as you do.”

Leaning over, Scott brushes a soft kiss over Ryan’s lips. “I know. That’s not what this is about.”

“Then what’s it about? I’ll never turn down one of your blow jobs—I don’t think any man on the planet would—but I wanna make sure you’re here for the right reasons.”

And that’s exactly why Scott is ridiculously in love with this man. “You make me happy,” he says. The words are simple, but true. “I don’t think you understand how sad and lonely I’ve been and that it’s been like that for years. I’ve never been with a dom who I trust, who really takes care of me and cares about me. I can be myself when I’m with you. I don’t have to feel embarrassed about what I like and what I wanna do. That’s such an incredible feeling.”

Ryan smiles and his eyes are shining. “You’re really happy?”

Scott chuckles. “I’m more than happy. I feel alive. I finally feel like I’m comfortable in my own body. Every single day, I feel more confident and at peace with who I am. And that’s all thanks to you. So this isn’t because I wanna repay the favor. I know it’s not a favor. But I wanna show you how much this gift means. Because that’s what you’re giving me—it’s a gift. It’s not just a sex gift, but a life gift. I know that sound stupid, but—”

“No, I get it. I do,” Ryan whispers and kisses him, the kisses soft and tender. Then he rests his forehead against Scott’s. “It still makes me so angry that those assholes didn’t treat you right and they threw the gift you were giving them back in your face.”

Reaching up, Scott gently puts his hands on Ryan’s face and kisses him harder. “Forget about them. They didn’t deserve me and they’ll never get to touch me again. I choose who I wanna be with now and I know who will respect me and take care of me properly, and that’s you.”

Pulling Ryan close, Scott kisses him, deepening the kiss again and moving things back into a sexy direction.

Ryan groans into his mouth and winds his arms around Scott’s waist, pulling him close.

“You wanna move things into the bedroom?” Scott mumbles against Ryan’s lips.

Making a disappointed noise, Ryan pulls back and reluctantly releases him. “Why are you making my life difficult?”

“Because I’m gonna need a condom and sadly, you don’t keep any out here.”

Laughing, Ryan takes his hand and leads him to the bedroom. “I’m thinking I should put a stash out here.”

Once they’re in the bedroom, Scott shoves the door closed and leans against it. Originally, he’d planned to keep his clothes on and tuck Ryan into bed after he comes and go home, but Ryan’s eyes are running up and down his body.

Ryan’s always liked looking at him. In fact, Scott had noticed Ryan staring at him even before they’d started sleeping together when Ryan thought Scott wasn’t paying attention.

It seems he’s known one of Ryan’s kinks for a long time and it’s high time he indulge it. Besides, putting himself on display in all of his slutty glory always makes him happy. It’s a win-win situation. “So I was just gonna blow you and then put you to bed and go home.”

“Uh huh. I have no problem with any of that.”

Scott chuckles. “I know. But I think you’d also like to watch your package get unwrapped. And just to clarify—I mean me, not your cock. Although, I’ll unwrap that package too, cause that’s an important step in the blow job process.”

Ryan’s face lights up. “I’m not gonna say no to that.”

“I figured.”

“Where do you want me?”

Scott points at the bed. “Take off your clothes and sit on the edge of the bed.”

It feels weird to be the one giving Ryan orders, but when Ryan’s eyes sparkle and he eagerly starts taking his clothes off, Scott knows this is going in a good direction.

When Ryan’s naked and sitting down, Scott pushes himself off the door and slowly rubs his hands up his chest and down to rub his thighs and squeeze his cock. His cock stirs, but Scott ignores it. This is about Ryan.

Ryan’s staring at Scott’s hands, his lips parted. His cock is already hard and when Scott lets out a loud groan and rubs his cock through his pants, he sees Ryan’s cock twitch.

Grinning, Scott pulls his shirt out of his pants and pulls it up just enough to show a little bit of his stomach, dragging his fingers along the skin.

Ryan bites his lower lip, making a rush of confidence and power come over Scott. He loves that he can have this effect on Ryan. Scott rubs his hands over his chest, dragging the shirt with him and eventually pulls it off himself, sliding his fingers over his chest and stopping to rub over his nipples. He lets out a moan, making it louder than it would normally be and he watches Ryan’s eyes widen, watching Scott’s fingers on his nipples. One of Ryan’s hands drifts down and slowly rubs his own cock, his eyes on Scott.

Smiling, Scott runs his hands down to cup and squeeze his cock and Ryan lets out a groan.

“Fuck, Scotty,” he breathes out. “You’re so fucking gorgeous. God.”

“You like your package, Detective Harris?”

“Uh huh,” Ryan mumbles, his eyes running up and down Scott’s body as his hand keeps rubbing his cock.

The whole thing is making Scott realize he now has another reason to regularly work out and keep eating well. Sure, the most important reasons are for his own health and to meet the physical requirements of his job, but if this is the reaction he’ll always get from Ryan if he keeps himself toned and looking good, he’ll gladly spend even more time in the gym. Not to mention the time that it takes him to shave everywhere, but the way Ryan’s eyes are hungrily staring at him, that’s something they both enjoy.

Rubbing his cock through his jeans, Scott slowly pops open the button and pulls down the zipper, sauntering closer to Ryan as he goes. He stops a foot away from Ryan and peels his jeans open just enough that the bulge of his cock can be seen, tenting his underwear.

Moaning, Scott rubs the heel of his hand over his cock and watches Ryan’s eyes widen. He’s practically drooling and Scott struggles not to chuckle. “Like what you see?”

“Uh huh,” Ryan manages to mumbles, his eyes following Scott’s other hand as it rubs up his chest and pinches his nipples, moving back and forth between them. Moaning, he tugs and twists them, feeling arousal shiver down his back as they stiffen into peaks.

Ryan can’t get his eyes off his chest, and Scott keeps playing with his nipples, rubbing the pad of his thumb over them and tugging on them. He’s so damn glad that he’s put back the weight he’d lost and he’s feeling and looking healthy again. “Fuck, I love playing with my nipples,” he groans, struggling not to smile as he watches Ryan’s wide eyes staring at him.

Slowly, he slides his hands down his chest to rub his cock through his underwear. Dipping one hand below the waistband, Scott pulls his cock out just enough so the head of his cock is peeking out of his underwear. Groaning, Scott slowly rubs his thumb over the tip of his cock, a bit of pre-cum already leaking from his slit. “Mmm, feels so damn good.”

Ryan lets out a strangled moan and he looks completely transfixed by what he’s seeing.

Feeling powerful, Scott grins and slowly turns around to pull his jeans and underwear down to expose his ass, sticking his ass out a bit.

“Fuck, Scotty,” Ryan breathes out.

Grinning, Scott turns back around and sees Ryan’s hand moving faster on his cock, moisture glinting on the tip as he leaks all over his hand, which makes Scott’s mouth water. He doesn’t want Ryan getting too excited and coming too soon, so he decides he’s teased Ryan enough. Slowly, he slides down to his knees and crawls over to Ryan, making sure his ass is shifting a lot more than the movements would require.

Ryan watches every move and he’s breathing hard.

Reaching Ryan, Scott rises up to his knees and runs his hands up Ryan’s legs to his cock. Now that he’s close to Ryan’s cock, Scott can’t pay attention to anything else. His mouth is watering as he watches Ryan’s hand slowly stroking the hard length, pre-cum beading on the slit, just begging for Scott to lick—

“Scotty? Can you grab a condom, please? They’re in the bedside table drawer.”

It feels like a bucket of cold water’s been dumped over his head. He completely forgot about the stupid condom. Shit! For a second, he gets the ridiculous urge to whine. He doesn’t want to cover that delicious cock with plastic-tasting latex. He wants to feel the flesh in his mouth, he wants to trace every vein with his tongue, he wants to flick his tongue over the slit and taste the pre-cum that will leak out of it. And most importantly, he wants all the warm cum filling his mouth and throat.

But he can’t have any of that. Because Ryan wants to use condoms. And condoms are a good thing. Condoms are a safe thing. And Scott would never risk Ryan’s safety or disrespect him by fussing over the use of condoms just because he’s a cum slut. He can’t count how many people he hasn’t used condoms with and he hasn’t gotten tested in years. There’s no way Ryan should take the risk of doing anything with him without a condom, so a condom is a must.

Blinking, Scott looks over at the bedside table and smirks up at Ryan. Ryan’s busy stroking his cock and staring at Scott’s chest, so hopefully he didn’t notice Scott’s change in mood. Well, Scott’s stupid mood and his whining will have to wait. He wants to make Ryan feel good.

So he crawls over to get the condom, making sure he shifts his ass as he goes and gives Ryan a good show. When he’s back, he grins up at Ryan, slides the hated condom over his cock and mentally prepares himself. He wants to make this good for Ryan and he needs to stop thinking about cum.

When he first wraps his lips around Ryan’s cock—making Ryan let out a loud moan and a string of profanity—Scott can’t quite ignore the taste of the latex and the disappointment at not being able to feel what Ryan’s cock really tastes like.

Closing his eyes, Scott mentally berates himself to pay attention to Ryan and not his own stupid issues. Scott being a cum slut isn’t Ryan’s problem.

Sealing his lips around Ryan’s cock, he bobs up and down on his cock, getting used to the feel of Ryan’s—latex covered—cock in his mouth again. The distraction isn’t working as well as it usually is, so Scott just goes for it, shifting himself higher up between Ryan’s knees, relaxing his throat and swallowing Ryan’s cock down his throat, feeling it fill his throat as Ryan lets out a shout and tangles his hands in Scott’s hair, not grabbing hard, but just anchoring himself.


	15. Chapter 15

Scott spends a few days turning the issue over in his head again and again.

Luckily, work isn’t busy that week. They’re waiting for toxicology results for three cases which will take another week to complete, the fingerprint lab is backed up so they won’t get those results this week either, and the witness they’d been trying to speak to is still on vacation in the Bahamas.

They do have some odds and ends to do, but Scott has plenty of time to think about the stupid cum problem. It’s especially weighing on him because Ryan’s told him about the new scene he wants to try on the weekend—fucking Scott while Scott sucks on a dildo that’s attached to the headboard—and he’ll be concentrating on wanting Ryan to come in his ass and how sad he’ll be that the dildo won’t fill his mouth with cum.

Obviously, there’s the fact that the dildo can’t produce any cum in the first place, and Scott will hopefully forget about the cum issue during the scene, but it’ll probably stay in the back of his mind. He’s used to getting his cum needs met during sex and this isn’t something that’ll go away.

He considers if this is something he’s even allowed to bring up with Ryan. Ryan’s always the one who creates their scenes and introduces new things and new positions and Scott’s always happy to go along with it. During his encounters with those assholes, his own wants and needs had never been a priority, but Ryan’s always telling him that Scott’s wants and needs are just as important as Ryan’s.

So if Ryan hasn’t noticed Scott’s problem, then it makes sense for Scott to be one to speak up. Otherwise, he only has himself to blame if it never gets addressed. There are perfectly legitimate reasons why Ryan might refuse to have sex without a condom…but until Scott mentions it, he won’t know for sure, right?

He already knows he’ll happily get tested or do anything else that Ryan wants him to. But none of this can move forward until Scott opens his mouth and brings it up.

His anxiety tries to interrupt a few times, but Scott easily shoves it aside. Ryan’s never given him any indication that he thinks anything Scott likes during sex is weird or disgusting. And Scott loving cum isn’t really disgusting or weird. Every guy in the world is intimately familiar with their own cum. Needing other people’s cum on him and in him is a bit weird—but Scott refuses to let his mind wander down that path because his anxiety will grab hold of him and then he’ll never be brave enough to bring this up. As before, he has to get this over with as soon as possible before his anxiety can gather more ammo.

When they’re slogging through a pile of reports at their desks, Scott can’t seem to focus on what he’s actually reading. “Ryan?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I come over after work?”

Ryan doesn’t take his hands off his keyboard. “You gonna tell me what you’ve been thinking about for the last few days?”

Scott blinks. Apparently, he hasn’t been doing as good of a job at hiding his preoccupation as he’d thought. “Yeah. Yeah, I wanna—I’m ready to talk about it.”

Glancing up at him, Ryan smiles at him. “Okay.”

* * *

Despite his best efforts, his anxiety flares to life as soon as Ryan agrees to discuss the situation. Just because Scott’s convinced himself that his need for cum is normal, now that he’s facing the prospect of talking to Ryan about it, the anxiety fully takes over.

He’s a weird, disgusting slut. Ryan won’t want to do scenes with him anymore. _Nobody_ will want to do scenes with him anymore. Nobody will want to touch him anymore. He’ll be alone again and he’ll deserve every bit of loneliness because he’s disgusting.

Scott’s so anxious that he gives up on work and just plays card games on his computer until Ryan tells him he’s done for the day. They drive their cars over to Ryan’s and Scott forces himself not to think about the upcoming conversation or he might lose his nerve and just drive home. And that won’t accomplish anything.

To give himself as much of a mental boost as possible, he puts his plug in before sitting down on the couch. He notices Ryan’s eyes watching him as he walks to the couch and he knows Ryan’s aware that he’s wearing the plug, but thankfully, Ryan doesn’t comment on it. A part of Scott should feel embarrassed that Ryan knows he’s so pathetic that he needs to shove a sex toy up his ass for emotional support, but he doesn’t really care. Ryan has never treated Scotty differently for wanting to wear the plug. Plus, the plug will help and that’s all that matters.

As he sits on the couch, he clenches around the plug, getting comfort from being filled. It reminds him that no matter what, he won’t ever be truly alone again. Even if Ryan decides to end things with him, Scott will always have his plugs for comfort. He even has one of Ryan’s plugs at home—and hopefully Ryan won’t remember and won’t demand that Scott returns it—which will make Scott feel a lot better than he did when he was completely alone.

Ryan’s making himself comfortable on the recliner and pulling the legs up so he can stretch out. “So, before you say anything, if you don’t wanna do the scene this weekend, you don’t have to stress about it. I told you, this is supposed to be good for both of us. If either of us isn’t in the mood, then that’s fine. Nobody’s gonna get upset. That goes for both of us.”

Scott’s so anxious that he’s shaking, clenching his jaw and ass, and his hands are clammy as he squeezes them. “I—I know that. It’s not about the scene. Not—not really. I…”

And like so many times before, he loses his words. But this time, he knows Ryan won’t be able to guess what he wants to say. Besides, Ryan doesn’t need that responsibility. Ryan’s responsible for taking care of Scott during a scene, not in everyday life. Well, they do take care of each other in everyday life, but not to the extent where Scott should expect Ryan to help him find his words when he’s too nervous to use them. If Scott wants this arrangement to keep working, he needs to work harder to beat his anxiety. A lonely, miserable existence awaits him if he lets his anxiety destroy his relationship with Ryan and he refuse to give up without a fight. That means being brave.

He stares at the dark television, trying to push past his nerves and the voice yelling at him that he’s disgusting and Ryan will hate him when Scott tells him what he wants. Scott knows that’s not true. He _knows_ that. But that doesn’t make it easier to talk about.

“So you found your words yet or you wanna watch some TV?”

Scott glances over at Ryan and blushes from embarrassment. “Is it that obvious that I’m nervous?”

“To me, it is. And I wanna do whatever I can to help, but I get the feeling this is something you wanna do on your own.”

“Yeah. Yeah, it is.” Scott clenches around the plug and reminds himself that Ryan had given him this plug because he cares about Scott and he (probably…hopefully) won’t be cruel when Scott tells him what he wants. That thought gives him a boost of confidence and he takes advantage of it by jumping right in. “I wanna talk about cum.”

“Coming where?”

Stay focused. “No, not ‘come’. I mean ‘cum’, as in semen.” He dares to glance at Ryan, who blinks and frowns.

“Okay. What…about it? I know you know what it is.”

Scott smiles, knowing Ryan’s trying to lighten the mood a little bit and it really does help. “Yeah, thanks, I’m familiar with it. A little too familiar, that’s the problem.”

Ryan chuckles, then grows serious again. “How is it a problem?”

Taking a deep breath, Scott keeps staring at the television, which is easier than looking at Ryan. “I really, really like cum. I like it on me and in me and I like tasting it.” There are other reasons he likes the feeling of people coming inside of him—much more important, emotional reasons—but he doesn’t know how Ryan will feel about any of this and he doesn’t want to put additional pressure on him.

He can see out of the corner of his eye that Ryan’s sitting up straighter. “So you’re saying cum play is one of your big kinks?”

He’s so grateful that Ryan’s keeping the conversation as clinical as he usually does when they talk about these things. It makes Scott feel less nervous and a lot less shameful. He loves cum, he’s a cum slut, but he doesn’t like being shamed for it. This clinical discussion makes it sound like it’s something normal, despite what his anxiety usually says. Once again, Ryan’s waded into the battle and he’s helping Scott douse those flames in his head. “Yeah, it is.”

“So us using condoms is killing that for you, right?”

“Yeah. That’s…that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I didn’t bring it up earlier cause I didn’t really notice. Most of the doms I’ve been with didn’t use condoms. They didn’t even ask me about it, they just didn’t use them. I guess I never noticed how important cum was to me until I realized in a normal situation, people should be using condoms when they’re having sex. I know it’s not good that I haven’t been using condoms but I…didn’t care about the risks. I knew not using condoms wasn’t good, but I didn’t care about protecting myself because I didn’t think I was worth protecting.”

He glances at Ryan and his eyes are sad. “You _are_ worth protecting,” he says softly.

Scott can’t help but smile at Ryan’s kind words. Scott knows his lack of regard for his own health was a symptom of how much he’d been struggling. It’s wonderful that Ryan’s doing what he always does and he’s acting like Scott really is something precious and important that deserves respect. Scott doesn’t quite view himself the way Ryan does, but he feels that changing every single day.

But that’s all beside the point. He doesn’t want to derail this conversation by dwelling on sad things that happened in the past, so it’s time to steer things back to where he needs them to go. “I’m starting to agree with you. Slowly, but I’m getting there. I respect myself more and I wouldn’t have sex with random people now without protection. But that’s not the point. I completely understand why you wanna use condoms, and if that’s one of your hard limits, then I’ll deal with it and we’ll move on. I just wanted to bring it up because otherwise, it’ll never come up.”

He glances at Ryan and sees him smiling softly. “Can I say something that’s unrelated to the cum issue?”

“Sure.”

“I’m really happy that you brought this up. Not necessarily this specific thing, but in general. I’m happy you felt comfortable enough and trust me enough to bring this up on your own.”

Scott glows a bit at the praise. Fuck you, anxiety. Ryan’s proud. You hear that? He’s proud! “It’s not that big of a deal.”

“Actually, it’s a huge deal. This is the first time you’ve ever initiated a conversation about our sex life and it’s the first time I didn’t have to coax the subject out of you. I don’t mind doing that, but it means a lot to me that you brought this up on your own. Honestly, it was scary knowing that you weren’t completely comfortable talking to me about things and that I had to make sure I was guessing things right. So thank you for being brave and trusting me. I know this is really hard for you and you’re really anxious, but you’re doing great and I’m proud of you.”

Blushing, Scott’s very proud of himself. “You only have yourself to thank for that. Like you said, you’re the one who made me feel comfortable and trust you. I’m just walking down a path you laid out for me.”

“And I’m proud of you for that.” Then Ryan leans back on the recliner again and Scott knows they’re going to switch back to other topic. “So…condoms.”

“Yeah.”

“They’re not a hard limit for me, not in the sense that you’re thinking. I’ve actually never had sex without a condom and that’s because I have two strict conditions that have to be met before I even consider not using a condom. They’re non-negotiable conditions and my previous partners didn’t wanna meet them. That’s fine, but I just wanna make it clear that the conditions aren’t negotiable. Not even for you. It’s a safety issue.”

Scott nods, completely understanding. “I get it. I don’t wanna put you at risk and I wouldn’t wanna put you in an awkward position. It’s not your fault that I’ve had a ton of unsafe sex and it’s smart of you to protect yourself.”

“It’s not just about me, Scotty. It’s about you protecting yourself too. You have no idea if I’m clean or not.”

He hadn’t even considered that. Damn. It seems his brain still defaults to disrespecting himself and he hasn’t made as much progress in the ‘giving a damn about himself’ department as he thought. It seems he still has more work to do. To distract himself from that unfortunate realization, he recalls Ryan’s words from earlier. “So what are the two conditions?”

“One is that we’d both have to get tested. We’d give each other results in sealed envelopes. No tricks. Just complete honesty, straight from the lab. Obviously, we’d both get our own copies so we can look at them first and decide if we wanna share them with each other. But the results we exchange have to be official and sealed.”

“That’s fine.”

“Second is that we’d have to be monogamous.”

The way Ryan says it makes it seem like he thinks it’ll be a big deal for Scott, but Scott chuckles. The second condition is even easier to meet than the first. “That’s not just fine, that’s a condition I’m already meeting. You know I haven’t been with any other doms since we started sleeping together.”

“It’s not just about scenes. This means, if we find somebody else, we can’t start messing around with them until we break things off between us.”

It’s a struggle to keep his smile from sliding off his face because Scott’s reminded that one day, Ryan will find somebody else and move on and that’s the day Scott’s heart will shatter. But when it comes to monogamy, Scott won’t have any problems fulfilling that condition on his end.

Chuckling and trying to cover up the pain squeezing his heart, Scott glances at Ryan. “I honestly can’t understand how you’d think I’d ever need anybody other than you. This is the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I don’t need or want anybody else. There’s no way anybody else could measure up. No way.”

Ryan’s staring at him. “Really?”

Scott snorts. “Yeah, really. Trust me, being monogamous hasn’t been a problem so far and it never will be. Being with you—only you—would be a dream come true.”

Ryan’s blinking rapidly. Scott knows he’s probably surprised by the intensity of Scott’s enjoyment of their relationship, but it’s the truth. Of course, this still leaves Ryan’s ability to meet the condition. “But if you don’t wanna be monogamous, then we don’t have to be. It’s your choice. It’s not something that’ll change for me, no matter what you’re doing. But you have the right to fuck other people, if you want.”

That makes Ryan laugh. “Jenkins, I can barely keep up with you during scenes now. When you feel more comfortable and we get into more intense scenes, I’ll have to use every ounce of energy I have to keep up with you and I’ll need the week to recover before the next one. Even if I wanted to screw around with other people, I physically couldn’t. Besides, I like being focused just on us. I like having vanilla sex during the week, planning scenes and then doing scenes on the weekend. I love spending time with you, and getting to have sex with you is a huge bonus. What the hell do I need other people for? Jesus.”

That makes Scott smile and his heart glows. Ryan may not be in love with him, but hearing how much he loves being friends and having sex is the next best thing. But then Scott realizes something else: he and Ryan can easily meet both of his conditions. Which means…

“So…if we get tested and we’re both clean, then… we can fuck without condoms?” His voice actually squeaks at the end, he’s so excited and Ryan laughs at him.

“Yeah. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves, okay? I know I’m clean, but you’ve been having a lot of unsafe sex and I don’t want the test results to crush you. We’ll deal with them when we get them, okay? That’ll be totally separate from whether or not we can have sex without condoms. But if the results are good, then yeah—no more condoms.”

Scott grins. “And I get to have cum?”

Ryan laughs harder. “You’ll get to have as much cum as you want for the rest of your fucking life, Jenkins.”

* * *

Ryan’s words run around Scott’s head for a few days. Not his words about condoms, but the part where he’d talked about the pressure he feels when Scott isn’t being completely honest with him. It’s really not fair for Scott to keep things hidden from Ryan just because he’s embarrassed to talk about them.

His past is full of embarrassing things, but if he wants things to work out between him and Ryan—and Scott definitely wants things to work out for as long as possible—those are things he has to be willing to talk about. He’d never live with himself if their relationship crumbles because Ryan does something that ends up being bad for both of them, just because Scott didn’t open his mouth and communicate.

He’s definitely not ready to share every single detail of his past—he’s going to do everything possible to keep Ryan from ever finding out about the financial mess he’d put himself into and only recently climbed out of—but he thinks he can start out with some other topics that are difficult to talk about but not as shameful: explaining to Ryan why he loves bondage and cum so much.

Maybe other people would rather discuss financial problems than weird sex-related kinks, but that doesn’t matter. He used to consider every aspect of his sex life shameful and disgusting, but Ryan’s attitude has helped him change how he views things. Through Ryan’s kindness and his relaxed acceptance about anything that Scott likes and needs during sex, Scott’s starting to view things the same way.

But talking about new things is always difficult and it’ll probably always be difficult. Once he brings up a topic with Ryan and sees that Ryan’s fine with it, he doesn’t feel anxious about it anymore. But bringing it up in the first place is the hard part.

And this conversation will definitely be difficult. For once, Scott won’t be talking about new shameful kinks that they hadn’t discussed previously, but he’ll be explaining more about how his fucked-up brain works and that’s very anxiety-inducing.

This is going to be difficult. He already knows if he’s sitting on the couch, it’ll take him an hour to gather up the courage to start this conversation. Besides, this isn’t something they have to maintain their clinical detachment for. “Ryan?”

Ryan glances over as he’s driving them back to the station from a crime scene. “Yeah?”

“Can I come over tonight?”

“Sure. Any plans?”

“I…wanna talk about something. Not really sex related. But I…is it okay if we talk in an unusual position?”

Ryan frowns and chuckles. “I have so many questions, Jenkins. But yeah, of course. We can talk in any… _position_ you want. Just tell me where to be and when.”

“Your apartment, after work. In the play room.”

“You know we should start scene prep out in the living—”

“I know, I know. This really isn’t a sex thing. I know I’ll get really nervous talking about these things, and I think it’ll help if I’m tied up.”

“Tied up with your wrist cuffs?”

“The whole thing. I wanna…I wanna have my wrists and ankles chained up. I’ll have my clothes on, don’t worry.”

Ryan looks worried. “You sure you’re not gonna go into subspace? I don’t mind, but you’ll definitely lose your words.”

Scott smiles grimly. “Oh, don’t worry about that. I won’t be in the mood to start floating, but I want the comfort of the chains.” Normally, he’d be happy to cling to Ryan, but there’s a part of him that wants to stand on his own two feet during this conversation. Despite the fact that he won’t literally be standing on his own two feet, he wants the comfort that the bondage will provide and it’ll help keep him in the right frame of mind so he can explain things to Ryan. “So…is that okay?”

Ryan chuckles. “Asking me to tie you up is never a hardship, Jenkins.”

Appreciating that Ryan’s trying to lighten the mood, Scott manages to smile. “I’m glad I can provide you with entertainment.”

* * *

“Comfortable?”

Scott tugs on the chains keeping his wrists and ankles cuffed to the four bedposts, feeling the cuffs and chains pulling back. As he’d hoped, something had settled inside of him as soon as Ryan had finished attaching the last chain. The familiarity of the bed and the cuffs, combined with what the bondage means to him, makes a bone-deep contentment spread through him. “Oh, yeah. I feel good.”

Ryan’s kneeling next to him on the bed. “Where do you want me to sit?”

“Anywhere you want.”

“Can I stay on the bed?”

Scott smiles. “Sure.”

Crawling across the mattress, Ryan shoves a pillow up against the headboard. Sitting down, he leans against the pillow, Scott’s right arm underneath his bent knees.

It means so much to Scott that Ryan’s willing to have this conversation in such an unusual way. They’re both fully clothed, there won’t be any sex happening tonight, yet Ryan was happy to chain him up and sit next to him.

Briefly closing his eyes, Scott tries to calm the anxiety making his heart race, despite the comfort of the bondage. Without the bondage, he’d be a complete wreck, but even the bondage can’t completely calm him down.

But that doesn’t matter. He wants to have this conversation. He _needs_ to have this conversation. He gently tugs on the chains and feels the reassuring pressure from the cuffs and chains not letting him go. Letting himself soak up that comfort, he decides to just dive into what he wants to say and hopefully, his anxiety will lessen. “I wanna tell you why I like bondage so much.”

The bed shifts a bit. “You know you don’t have to tell me.”

“I want to. I realized it’s not fair to you if I’m not openly communicating with you. It might lead to a disaster and I’ll only have myself to blame. It’s really hard to talk about these things, but I thought telling you something that won’t have any real impact on anything will help. You already know I love bondage so this won’t change any of that, but telling you why will help you understand me better and it’ll be good practice for me.”

“Okay. Take your time.”

Time to jump right in. He tugs on the chains again, just to reassure himself and stares up at the overhead light. “You know my parents died when I was nineteen.”

“Yeah. Car accident.” Ryan’s voice is quiet and he sounds very cautious, like he doesn’t want to use the wrong tone and risk upsetting Scott.

“Yeah. I didn’t have anybody close by, but I have an aunt. My dad’s sister.”

The bed shifts. He knows Ryan’s surprised about that because he’s never mentioned his aunt to him before. It doesn’t really matter. After today, he’ll go back to never talking about her again. “She came out to help me deal with things and asked me to come live with her. I was still living at home and going to college so I didn’t have a job. My parents didn’t have a lot of money, so I knew I’d be okay for a few months but I couldn’t afford to stay in our home, keep the car, all that stuff. I was so fucking relieved when my aunt said she’d let me come live with her. I’d have to transfer colleges, but they were very understanding and said they’d help me with that.”

The bed shifts again. He’d never told Ryan that he’d gone to college for a semester before the car accident. But again, it doesn’t matter. “So I thought I’d be able to live with her and everything would be fine. I’d lost my parents, but I’d have my aunt and uncle and cousins who’d love me and want me to be part of their family. Then she told me she just had one requirement if I was gonna live with her. She didn’t approve of the gay… _lifestyle_ —that’s what she called it—and that she wouldn’t tolerate it.”

He swallows hard and feels a lump growing in his throat as the emotions of that day come flooding back. “It didn’t matter to her than I didn’t have a boyfriend, I was a virgin and I wasn’t doing anything _gay_ at the time. She just flat-out wanted me to pretend to be straight. She—she was basically making me choose between being myself or being with family. She didn’t even care that I was a mess because of my parents. Asking me to make a choice like that is a shitty thing to do to someone even on normal days, never mind that I was grieving. She wanted me to give up a part of myself in exchange for getting to be part of her family. Anyway, I thought it over and said no. I thought she’d reconsider. I was so sure that she cared enough about me that obviously, she’d change her mind and try to understand things. That’s…not what happened.”

Glancing at the chain connected to his left wrist and glinting in the bright overhead light, Scott tugs on the four chains keeping him bound and feels the reassuring pull-back—the chains promising that they’ve got him and they’ll take care of him, no matter what happens.

“She went back home and left me there. Said I could call her if I changed my mind, but she wouldn’t re-consider. Said she’d never compromise her principles, even for me. She even…she even took some photo albums that had pictures of my mom and dad.”

His voice is getting shaky and he swallows hard. “After that, she never called me again. I never realized people could turn off their love for somebody so fast. Or maybe she never loved me in the first place. My uncle never called me again, neither did any of my cousins. It hurt so damn much. Over like a month, I’d lost every single person who’d ever loved me. Every single one. I never had a lot of friends growing up cause my dad was transferred to different bases so often—you remember I told you about that?” He asks, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Yeah,” Ryan whispers back, his voice very rough.

Scott wants to look at him, but if he sees Ryan being upset, he’ll stop talking and he really wants to finish telling this story.

“I was a shy, quiet kid and I had a hard time making friends anyway, never mind with all the moving around. But it never mattered because my mom and my dad were my whole world. I went from having a happy, little family to being completely alone. I had no idea how to cope. I was grieving, I’d lost my entire family but I’d also lost my only source of affection. My parents used to hug me and touch me all the time and once they were gone, I had nobody around who wanted to touch me. I…did a lot of unhealthy things as a way of dealing with my grief—some of which I’m still dealing with today.”

But that’s a whole other conversation which Scott’s not ready for. At all. But he can still tell Ryan about the bondage, because that’s one of the few positive things that came out of that period of his life. “One of the things I discovered was that I really liked the idea of bondage. Not through personal experience, but I used to wrap myself real tight in a blanket and put a belt around myself and it felt like somebody was hugging me. It wasn’t as good as the real thing, but it was close.”

Ryan lets out a soft sound and Scott frowns, concerned. He’s been so focused on getting his words out in the right order that he’d almost forgotten that Ryan might have a hard time with some of this. “Do you want me to stop talking? If this is too hard for you, then—”

“No,” Ryan chokes out. “No, keep going if you want to. Don’t stop because of me. I’m upset, but anybody who loves you would be upset hearing about this. So just ignore me and keep going.”

Scott takes a shaky breath. He mentally reminds himself to skip over the months he’d spent watching porn and the crippling financial debt he’d fallen into which he’d only managed to climb out of three years ago. Those things have nothing to do with this conversation. Ryan doesn’t have to know that Scott only started watching BDSM videos because he’d literally watched every other porn video the nearby porn shop had. Ryan just needs to know that Scott did start watching them. “I watched some BDSM videos. The reason why isn’t part of this conversation and I don’t wanna talk about that. But the point is that I saw these videos of people getting tied up and it was amazing. They could get tied up way better than I could do to myself and I knew that would feel amazing. I tried different things from the videos and I’d wrap belts around my legs or use my cuffs on my wrists and it made me feel so good. When I struggled against the restraints, it felt like somebody was gently holding my wrists or my legs and they were telling me they wouldn’t let me go off into the dark by myself. That I’m important and they cared about me. They’d keep me safe and hold onto me. They wouldn’t just abandon me.”

Now that he’s talking about the actual bondage, he feels better and he tugs on the chains, smiling up at them. “I knew I couldn’t rely on people to give me that comfort and that feeling of safety, so I liked relying on restraints. But of course, there’s the obvious problem: I couldn’t safely tie myself up in ways that really immobilized me. That’s when I started using the BDSM website and hooking up with anonymous people. The first time I did a scene, I fell into subspace so fucking quick.”

The bed shifts again and Scott really hopes Ryan’s doing okay. The rest of the story isn’t nearly as bad. Well, maybe it is but Ryan knows a lot of it already. “I’d never had that happen before and I felt amazing. I’d worked so hard not to let myself use drugs or booze to deal with things, and subspace was a natural high. I was so happy when I found out I could do that so easily. The downside was that I wasn’t happy about how the scenes themselves went, and most of the people I was with didn’t do bondage very well. It was uncomfortable, it hurt, they used stuff that really shouldn’t be used to tie people up and…anyway. But going into subspace made it worthwhile. I wasn’t getting my need for comfort met the way I’d hoped, but then I realized that in a weird way, cum was a good substitute. It filled that need.”

He chuckles softly at his terrible choice of words. The humor settles his nerves, because the next part is harder to talk about, but for different reasons. “I realized I really liked it when people came on me or in me. I noticed I got really turned on by it, but it was more than that. The way my aunt and her family had just turned on me and cut me out, that really hurt. And when people were willing to share their cum with me, it felt like they were giving me a part of themselves. That they thought I worth getting it. They wouldn’t just keep it for themselves in a condom.”

He takes a deep breath. Jesus, this sounds stupid, but it’s the truth. “I’d always laugh afterwards, cause those assholes always thought covering me in cum or coming in my ass would be degrading, but it was the opposite. I was so grateful that they gave me their cum. I know it sounds dumb, but this is how I’ve thought about cum for years and I don’t know if it’ll ever change. I never…I never realized how important that was to me until you and I started having sex and you were always using a condom. I absolutely understand why you use one, but that’s why I’m so happy that you were willing to reconsider.”

Scott takes a deep breath, feeling oddly calm and settled. Part of that is from the chains, keeping a tight hold of him and reminding him that he’s safe and they’ll take care of him, but another part actually likes talking about these things with somebody he trusts. He’s never said any of these things out loud before and it feels liberating to finally talk about them with another human being. “I wanted to tell you all these things because I don’t think you really understand what you do for me. I spent years not wanting to rely on people to take care of me because I was scared they’d leave me, but when it comes to bondage, I don’t have a choice. I never thought I’d find a dom who’d let me feel the way I’d always dreamed of feeling. I haven’t felt this happy and loved since my parents died, Ryan. That’s a huge deal for me, and I wanted to share that with you.”

Now that he’s done saying what he wants to say, Scott finally glances over at Ryan, ready to deal with whatever reaction he’ll get.

Unfortunately, Ryan looks devastated. He’s pale and his eyes are filled with immense pain.

That liberating feeling from getting this off his chest fades away and Scott’s heart squeezes at Ryan’s pain. “Shit. I’m sorry. I didn’t wanna upset you.” He goes to lift his arms so he can hug Ryan, but of course, his arms are chained up. Shit. “I—I really wanna—shit—”

“Can I say something?” Ryan whispers.

Pushing aside his annoyance that he hadn’t considered the fact that Ryan might need some comforting after his speech and that Scott wouldn’t be physically able to do that if he’s chained up, Scott glances at him. “Of course.”

Ryan abruptly leans over, as if he’s going to touch Scott’s face, but he freezes before he makes contact. “Can I touch you?”

Scott smiles. “You never have to ask. Ever. If I don’t want you touching me, I’ll let you know. But unless I’m mad at you, that’s not gonna happen.”

Leaning down, Ryan carefully arranges himself so he’s not crushing Scott’s restrained right arm and he rests his arms on the pillow, touching Scott’s face and staring at him. “I love you, Scotty. I need you to know that. I love you and I always will.”

Scott smiles softly, the words warming his heart. Sadly, Ryan doesn’t mean the words the way he does in Scott’s dreams, but these words still mean the world to him. “I know you do. And having you as a best friend is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I want you to know that I’m not the complete wreck I was back then. Part of why I wanted to be a cop was to join a community of people who cared about each other. Being at the academy and everything after that, it helped fill that void a little more each day. Meeting you helped a lot, and now that you’re giving me this gift of doing scenes with me, I finally feel whole.”

Ryan still looks devastated. Leaning down, he gently kisses Scott. Scott desperately wishes his hands were free so he could comfort Ryan properly, but he doesn’t want to bother Ryan about unclipping the chains right now. Instead, he lifts his head and softly kisses Ryan’s face.

When he’s done, Ryan lies down against his chest. “You don’t just have me, Scotty. My mom loves you and Cap loves you and so many of the people we work with love you. They all care about you and if something bad happened again, none of us would abandon you, I promise. And even if something horrible happened to everybody else and I’d have to choose between you and the rest of the world, I’d pick you, and my mom would support that choice. I’ll always be your chains.”

Smiling and feeling his heart glow, Scott nuzzles Ryan’s hair, the only part of Ryan he can touch. “You have no idea what that means to me.” He glances at the heavy chain next to him and sighs softly. “You know, the chains and the cuffs give me comfort, but somebody has to be willing to give those to me. And the only person I trust to do that is you. I just wanted you to know that.”

“Fuck. I’m so sorry you had to go through all that.”

Scott makes a face. “Compared to what you and your mom had to go through, it’s nothing.”

“Suffering isn’t a contest. Anytime somebody has their entire world shattered, it’s horrible. It doesn’t matter how it was shattered.”

Scott smiles down at him. “But I’m lucky enough that you decided to help me put mine back together.”

Ryan manages to give him a small, shaky smile and kisses his chest through his shirt. “I really do love you, Scotty Jenkins.”

Even though Scott knows he means it in a platonic way, it still sounds so wonderful. “And I love you. No matter what happens, our friendship is the best thing that’ll ever happen to me.”

Out of nowhere, he gets the urge to tell Ryan he doesn’t just mean he loves him as a friend. That’s a surprising urge, but as Scott quickly turns it over in his head, he decides it definitely feels right.

It’s very important that Ryan knows that Scott doesn’t just love him platonically, but that Ryan’s so amazing that he’d made Scott fall in love with him. That he’s the first person Scott’s ever loved except for his parents. That he’d re-lit the flame in Scott’s soul that had been snuffed out so long ago. And that he’d done it so easily, just by being himself.

That stupid voice in his head pipes up, telling him to keep these thoughts to himself. What if Ryan doesn’t wanna hear it? What if it makes Ryan feel awkward?

But Scott refuses to let his anxious thoughts win. Ryan deserves to know. Who wouldn’t want to know that they’re so amazing that they’d made somebody as damaged and difficult as Scott fall in love with them? He’ll explain that he doesn’t want things to change between them, that he knows Ryan doesn’t feel the same way and that’s fine and things won’t get weird between them. Scott just wants to let him know how he feels because it’s important. “Ryan?”

“Hmm?”

“I really do love you.”

Ryan nuzzles his chest. “I know. We’re family and that’s never gonna change, I promise.”

Great. So Ryan’s not creeped out by his confession, but he also doesn’t believe him. “I’m serious. I’m in love with you.”

Ryan’s only response is to chuckle and give him a pat on the chest. “This has been a really intense conversation and your head’s all over the place. Just relax for a bit and let me know when you want me to undo the chains, okay?”

Scott frowns down at the top of his head. Ryan seems to think Scott isn’t thinking clearly, but he is. He opens his mouth to argue, but he doesn’t want to turn this into a fight. He’ll just wait until they’re in a situation where Ryan can’t assume he’s not thinking clearly.

Smiling at his new plan, Scott closes his eyes and relaxes into the chains and Ryan’s comforting weight on his chest.

* * *

The discussion with Scott had been very difficult. Ryan had no idea what Scott had wanted to talk about. Since he’d wanted to be chained up, Ryan had been sure that it would have something to do with sex. He’d never dreamed that Scott wanted the restraints because of how safe they made him feel.

Scott’s association of the bondage with safety and love isn’t unusual, but the depth of the association is. As for cum, Ryan had never heard of somebody having the kind of associations with it that Scott has, but he’s glad that the cruel humiliation that those assholes tried to bury Scott in didn’t have the intended effect. In fact, knowing that Scott had turned one aspect of their abuse around makes Ryan smile.

While Scott had been finishing telling his story, Ryan had sat there, shaking and not wanting to interrupt him. A million times, he’d wanted to hug Scott, kiss him and tell him he’ll never be alone again and that Ryan loves him and he’ll take care of him for the rest of his life.

Once Scott had finished talking, the words had come tumbling out of Ryan’s mouth. The last thing he’d wanted to do was to create problems, but he couldn’t bear to have Scott go even one more minute thinking that nobody cared about him. After the words had come out, he’d desperately hoped that Scott would assume Ryan meant it in a platonic way, and luckily, that’s what had happened.

At the end of the day, Ryan doesn’t think his message would be a lot more impactful for Scott if he knew Ryan’s love for him was romantic and not just platonic. Ryan was willing to go to the ends of the earth to make Scott happy before he fell in love with him, so that part hasn’t changed.

The only hiccup in the whole thing had been when Scott had told him he was in love with Ryan. Hearing those specific words had taken Ryan breath away for a second, until he’d realized that Scott was feeling overwhelmed and he was having trouble expressing himself properly. That’s something Ryan should be used to by now and he’d mentally admonished himself for getting excited. Luckily, Scott seemed to agree with Ryan’s assessment that he was in a vulnerable state and needed to rest.

Ryan thinks about their discussion for days, particularly Scott’s strong need for bondage and cum.

He’s thrilled that the bondage they’re doing is helping to fulfill one of Scott’s needs, but the cum situation is a problem. In this case, his love for Scott is a problem. It’s making Ryan seriously consider not using condoms before they get their test results, or even if Scott’s results come back positive for something.

And that’s a scary thought and it’s not a healthy thought.

Ryan desperately wants to fulfill Scott’s needs, but he shouldn’t sacrifice his own health to do it. If the test results come back negative, then everything will be fine. But what if they’re not negative? What if Scott has something that forces them to always use condoms? There needs to be a solution out there that will give Scott what he needs but allows Ryan to stay safe.

The next day, he’s at home and scrolling through an online BDSM website where he often orders toys from or gets ideas for things to make at home. He never buys his lube from the expensive online stores, but his fingers click on the lube category for some reason and he scrolls through it.

That’s how he comes across a type of lube that apparently has the appearance of cum. It’s not edible, but it looks like the real thing.

And that gets Ryan’s wheels turning. It’ll take him a little while to find the perfect solution, but he’s onto something good.


	16. Chapter 16

Their Monday starts with them being called to a new crime scene. As soon as Ryan sees the woman’s body and sees obvious signs that this had been a crime of passion—her body’s in an alleyway behind the bar where she’d worked, it’s in full view of anybody passing by, and she’d been shot more times than would be necessary to kill her—he knows this case won’t take very long.

His gut feeling is confirmed half an hour later when he finds a blood soaked purse that had belonged to the woman in the nearby dumpster and Scott appears a few minutes later, holding two evidence bags containing a gun and blood soaked clothes which he’d found in the dumpster down the block. They’d dealt with this bar before and they know the camera overlooking the alleyway will probably tell the whole story.

But really, all of that’s just icing on the cake. They’d interviewed the people in the bar and all of them had the same story: the day before, the victim had been working a shift when a woman who had been a former employee at the bar had come storming in, accusing the woman of flirting with her boyfriend. The bar had even helpfully provided the former employee’s information and address.

Ryan’s fairly certain the angry woman had come back to the bar last night, waited for the victim to come out after her shift and they’d probably had another argument before the woman had shot her.

“We’ll have the warrant for the surveillance video in a few hours, we’ll grab it and we might have our killer by this time tomorrow,” Scott says as they get back into his car to drive back to the station.

Ryan pulls on his seatbelt. “CSI probably doesn’t even need to put a rush on the fingerprints or the blood analysis. We’ll pull her in for an interview and she’ll cave two minutes after we tell her we have a mountain of evidence.”

“Yup. People are predictable creatures.”

As they’re heading back to the station, Ryan’s feeling really good about how this week has started. His weekend had been fantastic, so it’s very nice that his work week is starting out well too.

His research into their ‘cum problem’ had started yielding very good results and he’s very close to finding a good solution. Once he gets there, they’ll have a found a way to fulfill Scott’s need for cum in a way that has nothing to do with their test results. Even if the results aren’t what they’re hoping for and they’ll have to continue using condoms, Ryan’s solution will allow Scott’s needs to be met. Scott will be happy, Ryan will be happy and they’ll be able to do the types of scenes they love and Scott will also get his fill of cum. Pun intended.

For now, he’s keeping his special project a secret from Scott. In case his plans don’t work out or it takes him longer to work out all the kinks—he grins at his own mental joke—he doesn’t want Scott getting too excited and then getting crushed if the whole thing goes up in smoke.

A few hours later, Scott drives them to one of their favorite food carts to buy them lunch and they don’t feel like going back to the station right away so they park in a quiet residential street to eat.

The only downside to the day is that the vendor puts too much mustard on Scott’s sandwich and they don’t notice until they unwrap them. According to Scott’s ensuing rant, that’s clearly a crime. Excessive mayo is never a bad thing in Scotty Jenkins’ world, but other condiments should only be used sparingly.

It’s a rant Ryan’s heard a million times before and he just nods along as he eats his sandwich and makes sympathetic noises. Eventually, Scott falls silent while he uses the wrapper to wipe off as much mustard as he can before he starts eating.

It’s quiet for a while, until Ryan notices Scott’s staring at him, smiling softly. “What? The sandwich meeting your standards now?” Ryan mumbles, his mouth full.

“I meant what I said,” Scott says.

Ryan frowns at him and laughs. “About you not liking the amount of mustard on your sandwich? Trust me, I know. I told you, I’m so sorry for your suffering and we should go back and arrest the guy for excessive mustard use. Cap would fully support us abusing our power that way. Obviously, we can’t have people putting the wrong amount of condiments on sandwiches. It’ll lead to anarchy.”

Scott twists in his seat and stares at him, looking way too serious for the conversation Ryan thinks they’re having. “That’s not what I’m talking about. I meant what I said when I was tied up and telling you about my past.”

Ryan stares at him. “I know. I didn’t think you lied about any of it. I believe every word you said. Why are you—”

Scott lets out an annoyed breath. “No, you believe everything up until I told you that I’m in love with you and then you insisted I wasn’t thinking clearly.”

A cold shudder runs through Ryan and he nearly drops his sandwich. Fuck, not this again! He really doesn’t want to have this conversation. He’s been having such a good day and now Scott’s gonna stomp his heart into the ground.

Oblivious to Ryan’s lack of desire to have this conversation, Scott’s still talking. “I know you didn’t believe me at the time, so I thought I’d wait until you knew my emotions weren’t all over the place. I’m thinking clearly now and I want you to know that I love you.”

Ryan’s heart aches. “Scotty…don’t do this.” He’s accepted the fact that he’s in love with Scott a while ago. That’s fine, he can live with that. He can also live with the knowledge that one day, Scott will get tired of him and move on to another dom. But he can’t deal with Scott confusing his enjoyment of their sex lives with actual romantic love.

Scott holds up a soothing hand and Ryan hopes he’ll apologize and talk about something else…but he doesn’t. “I don’t expect you to reciprocate my feelings.” Scott lets out a snort. “I mean, that’s obvious. I’m your friend, you care about me and you’re enjoying what we’re doing together. That’s all fine. I know you’re not in love with me. But I wanted to tell you because you’re amazing and you deserve to know that I’m in love with you.”

Ryan blows out a long breath and closes his eyes. “You’re not in love with me,” he mumbles.

Scott chuckles. “Sorry to disappoint you, but yeah. I am. And don’t worry, it doesn’t have to change anything between us.”

That’s when Ryan’s temper snaps because it’s either that or burst into tears. “You’re _not_ in love with me!”

His outburst cuts off Scott’s words, but the pause is just temporary. “Are you seriously telling me what I’m feeling, Harris? Don’t be an arrogant ass. You can read me like a book when I’m in subspace cause my brain’s soup but this isn’t—”

Ryan holds up a hand. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to say that you don’t understand what you’re feeling…except I think you really don’t.”

Scott’s looking annoyed. “Fuck you! I’m trying to tell you something nice and you’re shitting all over it?”

Drawing in a long breath, Ryan forces himself to calm down. It’s instinct to let his temper go and yell back when Scott yells at him. Their tempers always flare up together and fizzle out just as fast, but that’ll make this heart-breaking conversation take longer. “Scotty, please. Just listen to me for a few minutes, okay? Please?”

Scott stares at him for a long moment. Ryan can tell from his face that he was expecting Ryan to yell back, and the change in that dynamic has thrown Scott a bit off. But Scott’s surprise quickly turns back into a glare. “Okay, I’m listening. Go ahead and lecture me about how I should and shouldn’t be feeling. We both know I _love_ it when you do that. Whether it’s lecturing me about if I should consider myself a rape victim or not or telling me whether I’m really in love with someone or not—please go ahead and shove your wisdom down my throat.”

“This…isn’t like that other situation was. That was a situation I should have kept my nose out of cause it had nothing to do with me and I really didn’t understand what was going on. But this situation has everything to do with me and I really _do_ understand what’s going on.”

“You do, huh?” Sarcasm is dripping from Scott’s words.

“I’ve seen this before. It’s happened to me more than once.”

“You have people falling in love with you left, right and center? Well—” Scott lets out an ugly laugh. “I can understand why it happens. It’s nice to know I’m in good company. But at the very least, you could be fucking polite about it.”

Ryan needs to hurry up and get to the point because Scott’s misunderstanding the situation and allowing that to continue will keep hurting him. “I’ve had plenty of subs say they’ve fallen in love with me, but it always becomes clear really quickly that they aren’t in love with _me_. At least, not with me, Ryan Harris. They’re in love with me as a dom. They love my hands and my cock and my voice. They love how I can make them feel when we’re doing scenes. They love that I make them feel safe and comfortable. They love that they get to be themselves when they’re doing a scene with me. And don’t get me wrong—it feels really good to know I’m doing a good job as a dom and that you feel that way about me, but please— _please_ don’t confuse that for being in love with me as a person.”

Scott’s staring out the window and Ryan stares at the side of his head, watching the sun glint off his blond hair and waiting for him to say something.

Ryan’s sure Scott will understand what he’s saying and once he’s allowed this information to process in his head, he’ll come to the same conclusion that every other sub before him has come to: that he loves Ryan as a dom but not as a person. It’ll be heart-breaking, but it’s better than pretending Scott’s feelings represent something else.

“Why are you scared?” Scott demands.

Blinking, Ryan stares at him, completely caught off-guard. “What?”

Scott turns to face him and squints at him. “This whole conversation is different compared to how we usually argue over things. Normally, you’d be fully focused on trying to make me see why I’m wrong and we’d keep yelling at each other until one of us storms out of the car. But this whole time, you’ve been holding back. Your tone’s off, your facial expression’s off—you look like you’re seconds away from bursting into tears. And if this is just about me loving you as a dom, you wouldn’t be scared. You’d feel proud and a bit smug and you’d be back to eating your sandwich already. But you’re not. Your hands are shaking, you’re pale and scared. Why?”

Shit. He tears his gaze off Scott and stares out of the windshield, his heart racing. He doesn’t want to confess how he really feels about Scott because that’ll muddy this already complicated situation further. But he also knows he can’t lie to Scott and get away with it.

Scott’s not letting up. He’s staring at Ryan and calmly sitting there, waiting for him to say something. The trick is figuring out what to say.

“I…uh…”

“For someone who was so fucking confident about the situation a second ago, you’re sure not doing great now, huh? Well, you can sit there and stammer all you want. We’re not moving until you tell me what’s wrong.”

Ryan’s shaking and his jaw is clenched.

“Come on, Harris. I’ve put all my cards on the table already. I told you I’m in love with you—which you don’t believe, but fine—and now you’re just leaving me hanging.”

“You’re not in love with me,” Ryan whispers.

“Yes, I am.”

“You’re in love with me as a dom.”

Scott snorts. “Of course, I am. I’m in love with you as a dom, as my best friend, as my family, as my lover, as my partner in all things. I love you when we’re having sex. I love you when we’re eating dinner at your apartment. I love you when we go to movie nights together. I love you when you’re looking over a new crime scene and you’ve got that little frown of concentration on your face. I even love you right now, when you’re being ridiculous and you’ve turned something beautiful into an argument because you’re being an idiot.”

Ryan’s heart is doing flips in his chest and he squeezes his eyes shut, barely managing to breathe. Scott’s saying everything he’s ever wanted to hear. But his past experiences have slapped him in the face so many times. “You really love me even when we’re not having sex?” He whispers.

“Of course, I do. I don’t feel that same bright, warm love in my gut right now as I do at other times, but that’s because you’re stressing me out. But I don’t just feel it when we’re doing a scene or during aftercare. I feel it randomly during the day when you do something that reminds me why you’re amazing and how lucky I am to have you in my life. I felt it last night when I drove home from your place and after I texted you to tell you I got home okay, you replied right away with a bunch of smiley faces. I knew you were sitting at home, staring at your phone, waiting for my text. I felt it again an hour later when you were watching our favorite Demon Hunter movie and texting me all your favorite terrible lines. I felt it a few hours ago when you got that frown on your face while we were talking to the manager at the bar. My heart just glows when I’m around you or thinking about you. Sure, it happens during sex, but not just during sex.”

Ryan has to make sure. “What if…”

“What if you told me right now that you didn’t wanna be a dom anymore and you wanted to have a sex-free relationship with me? I’d still love you just the same. I’d have to figure out some substitutions, but it wouldn’t change how I feel about you. I love being around you, whether we’re wearing clothes or not and it doesn’t matter where your hands are. It doesn’t make me love you any more or less when your hands are making me feel amazing during sex or when they’re making dinner or typing up reports.”

Ryan finally manages to turn his head to stare at Scott. His heart is glowing and he’s shaking from the intensity of the emotions he’s feeling. He can’t believe that the man he’s madly in love with actually loves him back. Not just as a dom, not just as a pair of hands and a cock, but as a person. “I love you too,” he whispers.

Scott freezes and stares at him. He seemed to have settled into what he’d been explaining to Ryan and it’s clear that this sudden change in direction has thrown him.

Ryan decides to use his stunned silence to his advantage. “That’s why I was scared. I’ve been in love with you for a while and hearing you say you felt the same way was something I never dreamed would happen. It would have crushed me if it turned out you just loved me as a dom.”

“Are—are you serious?”

Keeping his gaze locked with Scott’s, Ryan nods. “A hundred percent. And before you ask, no, I don’t just love you as a sub. I love when we do scenes together and I love how compatible we are when it comes to sex, but it goes way deeper than that. I’m in love with you.”

Now it’s Scott’s turn to go pale and stare at Ryan with wide eyes. “So we…this is really happening.”

Ryan manages a shaky smile. His heart is beating so hard in his chest that he can barely breathe. “Looks like it. Us two idiots managed to fall in love with each other.”

A smile grows on Scott’s face and he’s glowing. “Harris, I know we have a policy about not kissing while we’re at work but—”

“We can make a one-time exception.”

“I agree.” Putting his sandwich on the dashboard, Scott wipes a hand across his mouth and reaches for Ryan, grabs his face and kisses him hard.

Ryan automatically kisses him back, his heart singing. He’s careful not to deepen the kiss—and he notices Scott’s keeping things chaste too—but he keeps kissing him.

Their lips separate in between kisses and curl into smiles as they grin at each other before diving in for more kissing.

“You make me so damn happy,” Ryan whispers against Scott’s lips.

Scott lets out a soft sound and kisses him hard. “You’re amazing. How the fuck are you this amazing? How the hell did I get so lucky? Jesus.”

* * *

Scott feels like he’s floating on a cloud for the rest of the day. He can’t believe how lucky he is and how amazing he feels. Things get even better when Ryan asks him to come over after work, not to talk about anything specific, but just because he wants to be with Scott.

After dinner, they’re sitting on the couch with Ryan on Scott’s lap and neither of them care that there’s a movie playing on the television because they’re busy making out and smiling at each other like ridiculous teenagers.

Scott’s so happy that telling Ryan a little bit about his past had gone well and that it’s led to such a wonderful development in their relationship. Best of all, Ryan has the same sappy smile on his face whenever he pulls back between kisses, which makes Scott’s heart glow even brighter.

“I still can’t believe I get to have this,” Ryan mumbles, his eyes shining.

Scott chuckles. “And I can’t believe that you’re surprised by any of this. You’re amazing. Those other subs were morons who obviously can’t recognize a good thing when they see it.”

That makes Ryan smile softly, but his eyes get a bit sadder. “It wasn’t their fault. We were sexually compatible, but…we didn’t fit well in other ways.” He sighs softly. “That’s always been the problem. Me falling in love with people is the easy part…but then we didn’t end up fitting well together. In the last couple of years, it’s always been because the subs I was with didn’t love the rest of me as much as the dom part of me. But it happened the other way too. Like with Mike.”

That distracts Scott right away and he frowns. He and Ryan have gotten to know each other well in the last few years but Scott’s forgotten that there are huge parts of their lives that they’ve never shared with each other. Hearing Ryan mention the name of somebody with such a sad look on his face instantly makes Scott curious…and a little jealous. “Who’s Mike?"

Ryan frowns, looking surprised. “I haven’t told you about Mike?”

The casual way Ryan mentions that name again makes Scott’s jealousy burn even brighter and he slides his hands under the back of Ryan’s shirt and pulls him a bit closer. “No.”

Maybe Ryan can hear the hint of jealousy in Scott’s voice because he chuckles softly and gives him a hard kiss. “Calm down, Jenkins. Mike was really important to me and he’s a big part of my past, but he’s not part of my future.”

Scott narrows his eyes a bit. “You’re damn right he’s not part of your future. That spot’s already been taken and if anybody challenges me for that spot, they’ll end up losing pretty dramatically. They might as well stay home.”

Ryan laughs and presses his forehead against Scott’s, but his laughter gradually fades away as he plays with the hem of Scott’s shirt. “You didn’t take that spot; I gave it to you. And I’m not taking it back, so you can stop worrying about that.”

That makes Scott feel a bit better, but he still wants to know more about this Mike character. “So who’s Mike? Even if I don’t have to worry about him—which I’m still gonna do anyway—I’m curious.”

Ryan’s quiet for a moment. Eventually, he sighs softly but the sigh sounds a little sad and that immediately makes Scott’s curiosity vanish. If this is a sore topic for Ryan, then Scott’s happy being kept in the dark. “You know what? Forget I asked. Let’s revisit this in a few years, okay? Or maybe never. That’s good too. I’m fine with that.”

“No, it’s fine. I wanna tell you. I’m always a little sad about it because I’m always annoyed at myself when I remember how things went. But I really do wanna tell you because I loved that you shared important parts of your past and Mike is a really important part of my past that I wanna tell you about. It’s a little bit of a long story though…”

Scott smiles softly and kisses him. “I’ve got nothing but time.”

Taking a deep breath, Ryan tightens his arms around Scott and presses their foreheads together. “So Mike was my first serious boyfriend. He was the first person I ever fell in love with.”

That jealousy flares to life in Scott’s gut again, but he firmly tells himself what Ryan had said. Mike may have been entrusted with Ryan’s heart for a little while, but Mike fucked it up and now Scott’s in charge of keeping it safe and he’s going to do that for the rest of his life. Mike’s loss is definitely his gain.

Oblivious to Scott’s reaction, Ryan keeps talking, his breath warm on Scott’s face. “We got together when we were 18 and stayed together until we were 22.”

That makes Scott’s eyebrows rise. Four years is a long time, especially at that age. It makes Scott realize that Mike wasn’t just a random fling for Ryan, but this was a guy who spent years in a relationship with Ryan.

And right on cue, there comes that jealousy again. But Scott takes a deep breath and reminds himself that if he works really hard and does his best to take care of Ryan properly, he’ll get to have many happy years with Ryan too.

“Most of our relationship was great. But things were always a little…weird when it came to sex. Mike made it clear from the start that he had certain sexual desires he needed to fulfill in order to be happy, but he also made it clear that he wasn’t interested in having me fulfill them.”

Scott’s eyebrows fly up and his own thoughts grind to a halt. It seems they’re diving headfirst into this story and it’s taken a sharp turn from where Scott thought it would go. He thought he’d spend the entire story seething with jealousy over Mike’s place in Ryan’s heart. But it doesn’t sound like Ryan’s about to tell him about four years full of romantic joy. “Okay…”

“I was crazy about him and I told him that’s fine. I had no idea what sexual desires he was talking about. I was incredibly naïve about sex at the time, but for some reason, I didn’t realize he was actually having sex with other people for a while. Once I figured that out, I wasn’t happy with the arrangement anymore.”

Scott nods. “Monogamy’s always been important to you.”

“Yeah. But Mike made it clear that he wasn’t gonna stop because not having his needs met wasn’t fair on him. So we reached a compromise: he’d be monogamous if I gave him what he was getting from other people.”

Frowning, Scott rubs Ryan’s back. “You…but he…was he a sub? Or a dom? Why the fuck did you agree to that before asking more questions? You didn’t even know what he was into!”

Ryan laughs. “I wasn’t born the wise, all-knowing dom you know today. I’ve had my share of naïve moments and stupid fuck-ups. Anyway, as you pointed out; no, we didn’t do any negotiations. To answer your question, Mike was a sub. He knew that I didn’t know anything about that stuff so he eased me into it. I’d tie him up, put a blindfold on him, make him kneel for a bit, stuff like that.”

Hearing Ryan say that Mike had ‘eased’ him into things gives Scott a bad feeling in his stomach. The kinks Ryan had already mentioned are pretty close to what he and Ryan regularly do now, but if that was all beginner level stuff for Mike, Scott suspects he knows the ending to this story, but he decides to stay quiet and let Ryan tell it his way.

“I was really nervous at first, but once I got more comfortable with those things, I loved it. Like you with subspace, I fell into domspace really easily and you know I’ve always loved taking care of people. Seeing Mike going under and putting his life and happiness into my hands felt amazing. It was such a rush. But then…Mike started pushing. The things we’d been doing up until then weren’t enough for him. At all.”

“Uh oh,” Scott mumbles and clenches his jaw.

Ryan tightens his grip around Scott and presses his face against Scott’s neck. “Yeah. I think you know where this story’s going, huh?”

Scott cringes in sympathy and gently tangles his hand in Ryan’s hair and kisses his face. “I think so. But I wanna hear you tell it.”

“Long story short; Mike was into intense impact play, masochism and humiliation.”

“Damn. That’s…pretty much your list of hard limits.”

Ryan sighs. “Mike was how I discovered those were my hard limits in the first place. I felt a little uncomfortable with the idea of hurting him because I kept associating it with what my dad used to do to me and my mom, but he promised me he’d be fine and he’d really love it. And he really did. He’d want me to tie him up in pain positions and slap him as hard as I could and he’d get into subspace so deeply and he’d be so happy. But I…couldn’t handle it. It made me sick. I hated doing those things to somebody and I just couldn’t do it. The whole thing turned into a disaster.”

Scott sighs softly and rubs Ryan’s back, completely understanding how conflicted Ryan was. “You wanted to make him happy, but it made you miserable.”

“Yeah. When I told him, he was understanding and he said he’d go back to doing those things with other doms. He told me he wouldn’t have sex with them; he’d just have platonic scenes with them. But that still didn’t sit right with me because it turns out I have a jealousy streak that’s a lot wider than I thought it was. Then he got frustrated with me and accused me of being unreasonable and that’s when things started to fall apart.” Ryan takes a shaky breath. “We were having other problems too, not just where sex was concerned. You know I always wanted to be a cop.”

“Yeah,” Scott murmurs, gently playing with Ryan’s hair.

“The cops were the ones who saved my mom’s life and my life so many times and they were the ones who helped get us into a shelter and figure out how to get away from my dad. I wanted the chance to help people like they’d helped me. But Mike hated that I wanted to be a cop. He hated cops and he wanted me to choose a different career path.”

Scott can see the end of the story clearly now but he stays quiet.

“I didn’t know what to do. I talked to my mom about it and I didn’t tell her about the BDSM stuff, obviously, but I told her Mike and I had very different needs and Mike was trying to compromise and I was the difficult ass who wasn’t willing to bend. She told me that compromising is important in relationships, but if there are certain things a person doesn’t want to compromise on, they don’t have to. But if somebody isn’t willing to compromise, they can’t expect the other person to just give in. Mike had the right to have the type of sex he wanted to have and to be with somebody who didn’t represent something he hated. But I had the right to be in a relationship where I wasn’t sharing my boyfriend with random strangers and I had the right to be a cop. So…that was the end of that.”

Sighing softly, Ryan nuzzles Scott’s neck. “It hurt, but I learned a lot of important lessons. And I really did enjoy being a dom—just not the way Mike wanted. I found the whole thing interesting and I loved being able to take care of somebody when they’re so incredibly vulnerable. That was really important to me. So I started going to clubs and some experienced doms took me under their wing and I learned more about this whole world.”

Scott smiles. “And being a cop led you to me, so it all worked out in the end.”

Pulling back, Ryan presses his forehead against Scott’s and a slow smile spreads over his face. “My mom always kept telling me that people are like puzzle pieces. We wander around, trying to find the person who we’ll fit perfectly with. I had so many subs I did scenes with but they never loved all of me. Just the dom parts of me. And now…I finally found my matching puzzle piece.”

Grinning, Scott kisses Ryan hard and Ryan eagerly responds, tangling his hands in Scott’s hair. “You make me so damn happy, Scotty,” he whispers against his lips.

His heart glowing, Scott can’t stop kissing and touching Ryan, overwhelmed with how incredible this is. “Thank you for telling me about Mike.”

“You’re welcome.”

Scott grins at him. “And guess what?”

“What?”

“I’m not jealous of Mike anymore. I don’t need to be cause he wasn’t your matching puzzle piece.”

Ryan grins, his eyes full of joy again. “No, he wasn’t. But you are and that makes me really happy.”

Scott matches his grin. “Damn right. And guess what else?”

“What?”

“I’m really happy too because you’re my matching puzzle piece. I lost hope that I’d ever find mine…and here you are.”

Ryan smiles and kisses him hard.


	17. Chapter 17

A few days after their mutual confessions and their discussion about Ryan’s past, Ryan seems oddly pre-occupied at work and keeps grinning at him.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Scott finally demands because he’s trying to read through one of the toxicology reports they’d been waiting for and that always takes a lot of concentration and he can’t do it with Ryan constantly grinning at him.

As if he’d been waiting for an opening, Ryan leans over his desk, grinning ear to ear. “Come over after work, I’ve got a surprise for you. I’ve been working on it for a while and it’s finally done.”

That catches Scott’s interest right away and he smiles. “Is it a surprise that’s not appropriate for work?”

Ryan chuckles. “Absolutely. One hundred percent.”

Scott wiggles in his seat and looks at the time. Sadly, they still have several hours of the work day to get through. “Okay, that means we gotta concentrate.” Snapping his fingers at Ryan, he points at his computer. “Khianna’s tox report. Hurry up and read it. She had cocaine in her system and not just a trace amount.”

That makes Ryan frown and spin to face his computer so he can pull up the same report. “Her mom swore she’d been clean for two years.”

“Apparently not. According to the report, she must have consumed the coke within 72 hours of being killed. If she relapsed, there’s no way she would have bought the coke and hung onto it for long. She must have bought it close to the time of using it.”

Ryan’s frowning at his screen as he reads the report. “We know what she was doing in the 48 hours before her murder and buying cocaine definitely wasn’t on the list, so we need to go further back.”

Scott purses his lips. “Yep. So the question is: which of her friends would have known who she got the coke from?”

“Not the boyfriend.”

“Nope.” The boyfriend had a solid alibi for the time of the murder—he was in college halfway across the country and he’d been sitting in a chemistry class with 300 other people, dozens of whom had vouched for his presence. Plus, he and Khianna had fought two weeks before and according to Tech, they hadn’t contacted each other for 9 days prior to the murder. Lastly, he seemed genuinely surprised and angry when Scott had mentioned Khianna’s past drug use to him and had refused to believe it.

So the boyfriend has earned himself a ticket out of their investigation for now, but that leaves plenty of people who might have the information they need. Scott and Ryan just need to find them.

Opening up his case notes file, Scott clicks on the tab listing Khianna’s family members, friends and known associates, knowing Ryan’s doing the same thing. As he scrolls through the names and small notes about them, his eyes keep returning to one name in particular. “You know, I’m getting a feeling about her cousin.”

“The cousin who went on and on about her potential being gone now that she’s dead?”

“Yup. The tox report puts a whole new spin on those words, doesn’t it?”

Ryan shots him a grin, which Scott mirrors. Spinning his chair around, Ryan grabs his phone. “Let’s give D’Shaun a call and see if he’ll come down for a chat. Read me his number.”

* * *

Their work day ends on a high note. D’Shaun comes in for an interview and cracks surprisingly quickly, admitting that a friend of his had supplied Khianna with the cocaine. Scott and Ryan get to work tracking down the dealer and find out he was arrested the day before and he’s sitting in jail on drug trafficking charges. They don’t want to risk the dealer getting bailed out and running for the hills, so they drive over to interview him despite it being late.

Two hours later, they have a confession and Khianna’s murder has been solved. Apparently, Khianna hadn’t had the money to pay for the cocaine and when the dealer confronted her a day later, he got enraged when she told him she was no closer to getting the money together. They’d argued, he’d pulled out a gun and shot her. The drug dealer claims he never meant to shot her, but the gun had gone off when he’d been threatening her with it. Ryan and Scott don’t believe that for a second, seeing how she’d been shot three times. But deciding what happens now isn’t part of their jobs. They found Khianna’s killer, all the pieces add up to create a clear picture that they’re happy with and the rest is in the court’s hands.

As always, Ryan and Scott are both in high spirits after closing the case and they don’t mind being at the station past midnight to get their paperwork done.

They’re both exhausted, but when Ryan gives him a tired smile and asks him if he still wants to see his present tonight or wait until tomorrow, Scott gives him a flat look. “You really think I’ll be able to fall asleep without knowing what my present is? Hurry up and finish that report.”

“I’ve still got two more.”

“Gimme one.”

* * *

It’s 1:30 in the morning, they both have to be back at work in a few hours and present Khianna’s case to the assistant district attorney, but Scott’s sitting on Ryan’s bed, bouncing with excitement. Ryan’s already told him he wants Scott to spend the night here and they’re both so tired that they’ll probably collapse into bed as soon as Ryan’s shown him his present, so Scott had decided to save them some time and start things in the same place they’ll end them—on the bed, in the bedroom.

Ryan had gone to get his present and the anticipation has given Scott a new boost of adrenaline and he’s wide awake, despite the long day.

When Ryan opens the door, holding a bag in his hand, Scott reaches out a hand, wiggling his finger impatiently and grinning. “Lemme see!”

Shutting the door behind him, Ryan smiles and sits on the bed, but hugs the bag to his chest. “Before you see it, I need to say something.”

Sighing, Scott makes a face. “Say it fast.”

“I’ve been thinking a lot about our cum issue.”

Scott’s face falls, thinking that Ryan had changed his mind about the whole thing. That’s his right and Scott will learn to live with it, but he’d been really—

“Scotty, stop. I didn’t change my mind. If the results come back clean, we never have to use condoms again. But that’s the best case scenario and I wanted to plan for a worst case scenario.”

Blinking, Scott stares at the floor, his throat tight from anxiety. “The worst case scenario being if I’m not clean?”

“The worst case scenario being if either of us have something that can’t easily be taken care of with medication. If that happens, I still wanted to give you what you want, but I wanted us both to stay safe.” Ryan gives him a reassuring smile. “So I spent time thinking about it, and I finally figured out how you can get access to all the cum you want, but it’ll be safe.”

Blinking, Scott stares at him, his anxiety slowly being replaced by curiosity and excitement. “Seriously?”

Ryan’s grin grows. “Uh huh. In fact, I liked the idea of finding a solution to this now because—” His grin fades a bit and he looks more serious. “—if the test results aren’t good, then I don’t want that to crush you. I wanted to find a way to give you what you need and this way, it won’t make much difference if our actual cum is ever involved in scenes or not.”

Scott has no idea where this is going. “So…you found a solution? Did you…order somebody’s clean cum off the internet? You know that shit spoils fast.”

Ryan laughs and smacks him on the arm. “You think I’m an amateur, Jenkins? Jesus. Ordering cum off the internet. No, you idiot. I made it from scratch.”

Scott gives Ryan a strained smile, trying to stop himself from calling Ryan an idiot. “Yeah, I know you make cum…I do too…that’s pretty much part of normal dude anatomy. But that doesn’t really solve—”

“Fuck, Jenkins, keep up with the conversation!” Ryan says, laughing and shoving him hard enough to nearly knock him off the bed. “I mean, it’s not real cum. I made it using other stuff.”

Scott blinks. “You…made homemade cum?”

Ryan’s grin is back. “Uh huh.”

“How the fuck did you even come up with a recipe?”

“Oh, they’ve got a million cum recipes online. I spent a while trying different ones and seeing what worked well and what didn’t. I figured you’d want it to be as authentic as possible, right?”

Excitement is making Scott’s heart race as a grin spreads over his face. “You’re serious? You actually figured out how to make cum for me?”

“Uh huh! You wanna try it?”

“Hell yeah!”

Ryan tears open the bag and pulls out a small squeeze bottle and hands it to Scott. It’s cold—Ryan probably took it out of the fridge—and Scott sticks the tip into his mouth and squeezes. It occurs to him how hilarious this whole thing is: it’s 1:30 in the morning, they’re sitting on Ryan’s bed and they’re both vibrating from excitement at the thought of Scott trying some cum that Ryan had made in his kitchen. The best part is that they’re both excited and there isn’t a single trace of shame or embarrassment between them.

The first thing he tastes when some of the goop gets into his mouth is cold stickiness, but when he rolls it around his mouth, the cum warms in his mouth and he gets the real taste. To his surprise, it tastes pretty damn close to the real thing. It’s a little grainier and a little more sour, but it’s very close.

He grins at Ryan and squeezes more into his mouth, rolling it around his mouth and swirling his tongue around in it. It’s sticky and thick and wonderful and it’s sticking in his throat and the roof of his mouth after he swallows. “I love it!”

Ryan smiles. “Yeah? You like the taste? We can try different things.”

“No, it’s perfect! So I can eat as much of it as I want, right?” The stuff isn’t toxic—Ryan wouldn’t have handed him a bottle of it without warning him—but he wants to make sure he doesn’t have to worry about any long-term effects.

Ryan chuckles. “You don’t wanna drink gallons of the stuff. It’s mostly cornstarch so you’d put on weight really fast.”

Scott laughs. “And we know you like this whole package staying lean and sexy, Harris,” he says, gesturing down at himself.

Ryan laughs and shoves him a little, but Scott can see he’s blushing a little. “Fuck you, that’s not my primary concern!”

Scott wiggles his eyebrows, the squeeze bottle tip in his mouth and sucks a bit more of the fake cum into his mouth. “Uh huh. Sure it isn’t.”

“Asshole. Your health was my first concern. You looking hot is a distant, _distant_ second concern. And that’s the story I’m sticking with. But yeah, it’s completely safe to eat. I knew that was a must so I only looked at edible recipes.”

Scott can’t believe this. “This is amazing!” He grabs Ryan and kisses him. “I love you, you know that? I’m not just saying it because you made me cum, but because you actually spent your time trying to fix my stupid problem.”

Ryan kisses him back hard. “It’s not a stupid problem.”

“It’s a bit of a weird problem.”

Ryan kisses him again and presses his fingers to Scott’s lips. “I love you and nothing about you is weird to me.”

Pressing his forehead against Ryan’s, Scott smiles, feeling his heart glow. “How long did it take you to find a good recipe?”

Shrugging, Ryan looks a bit shy. “A little while, but I liked doing it. I love doing things that’ll make us both feel good, you know that. And it was fun. I played around with different recipes for a few days. Oh, by the way, that’s not the full present.”

Startling, Scott pulls back and stares at Ryan. “Are you serious? You just fulfilled a lifelong dream of mine to have access to safe cum whenever I want and that’s _not_ the present?”

Ryan laughs. “Well, it’s part of the present. But I know the delivery of the cum is also important to you. Squirting it into your mouth or up your ass with the bottle might work, but it’s not very sexy.”

“Trust me, that’s not a big concern. Just fuck me with a dildo and replace it with the bottle when it’s time and I’ll be over the moon.”

Ryan grins. “We can do that. Or we can use a dildo that’ll actually squirt the cum into you. Did you know they sell ejaculating dildos? Cause I sure didn’t until I did some research.”

Scott nearly drops the bottle and gapes at Ryan. His heart is racing so fast that he feels like he’s about to pass out. His hands are shaking and he can’t speak. Just the _idea_ of it…!

“Scotty? You okay?”

Barely managing to nod and keep breathing, Scott reaches a shaking hand for the bag. It’s not possible. There’s no way…

…and Ryan’s pulling a dildo out of the bag. It looks completely normal, then Ryan flips it upside down and Scott sees a hole in the bottom with a little stopper dangling from it. “See? It’s hollow inside and you can squirt the cum into it and plug it up. When you’re ready to use it, you squeeze the balls and the cum comes out. I’ll show you.”

Scott can only stare with wide eyes as Ryan takes the bottle of cum out of his numb, shaking hands, fills the dildo and plugs it up. “Okay, now watch.”

As Ryan squeezes the balls, the thick, white cum oozes out of the tip and Scott’s mouth waters. He needs to get that cock in his mouth. He needs to get that cock and that cum into his mouth right now. He’s not aware he’s moving until he’s reaching out a shaking hand, pulling Ryan’s squeezing hand with the dildo close enough to wrap his lips around it.

The cum oozes out of the dildo, filling his mouth as Scott slides his lips up and down the dildo, smearing sticky cum over the thick length as he sucks on it. Oh, he’s missed this so much! He’s moaning and shaking so hard that he’s about to fall off the bed, but he can’t release the dildo.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Scotty,” Ryan says in a choked voice.

The dildo presses deeper into his mouth and Ryan’s releases it, pulling Scott back on the bed with his arms around him.

He’s floating. Not too high, but the feeling of the thick cock in his mouth and the cum filling his mouth fills him with joy. He’s missed this so much!

“I’m gonna take your clothes off, okay? Not for sex, but for sleeping.”

Letting himself be manhandled this way and that, Scott doesn’t care what’s happening. He’s too busy sucking on the cock and loving the sticky taste of cum in his mouth. Eventually, there’s a blanket covering him as Ryan settles onto the pillow facing him. One of Ryan’s arms is wrapped around him, while the other squeezes the dildo’s balls to send another flood of cum into his mouth and slowly thrust the dildo in and out of his mouth. Scott moans happily and stares at Ryan across the pillow, filled with such gratitude and love for him. He can’t believe Ryan did all this for him. None of this has anything to do with Ryan’s personal likes and dislikes, it’s all about Ryan wanting to do something for Scott because he loves him. Pulling his lips off the dildo, he pushes it out of the way as he takes a shaky breath.

Ryan frowns at him. “You okay? Is the dildo empty? I can fill it up again.”

With difficulty due to his limbs being made from jello, Scott manages to shift over enough to kiss Ryan, because that’s very important. Ryan moans into the kiss, probably tasting the sticky cum that’s coating Scott’s mouth and pulls Scott over him, wrapping his arms around him.

Scott tangles his tongue with Ryan, kissing him and trying to express what he can’t say with words right now. When he pulls back, he stares down at Ryan and nudges his nose with his own.

Ryan’s giving him that soft smile, his lips covered in sticky, fake cum too. “You’re welcome. And I love you too.”

Leaning down to kiss Ryan again, Scott’s arms finally threaten to give out and he lies down on Ryan’s chest as Ryan’s arms wrap around him and one of Ryan’s legs is slung across his ass. Scott lets out a whine and the cock is back and slides into his mouth as Scott suckles on it, sighing happily. There’s only a trickle of cum coming out of it when Ryan squeezes the balls, but that’s okay. There’s enough residual cum covering it that Scott will fall asleep very, very happy.

* * *

“So, clearly we can’t have conversations while dildos are within my eyesight,” Scott says the next morning as he’s driving them to the station, both sipping on big cups of coffee in an attempt to wake up. Ryan hates driving when he’s tired, so they’re going to use Scott’s car today.

Asides from his exhaustion, Scott’s very happy.

Ryan laughs. “That’s old news. But I’m really glad you like the idea of the squirting dildos.”

Scott’s attention immediately catches the last word. “Dildos? More than one?”

“We’re not talking about this while you’re driving or you’ll kill us both. Come over after work and we’ll plan out Saturday’s scene. We gotta try out the new bondage position anyway.”

* * *

After a few hours at work, Scott’s happiness at the ejaculating dildos starts to calm and he’s left being annoyed at himself for how he’d reacted to his present. Yes, he’d been surprised by it, but Jesus. He needs to work a lot harder at controlling himself a little bit. Just because Ryan will always take care of him when he slips into subspace doesn’t mean it’s okay for Scott to make zero effort to keep himself focused.

So as soon as they’re back at Ryan’s after work, Scott shuts the front door behind him and grabs Ryan before he’s even taken off his shoes and hugs him tight.

Ryan laughs softly and wraps his arms around him. “If this is how you’re gonna react every time I tell you I’m gonna bake muffins for dessert, I’m gonna do it a lot more often.”

Scott clings to Ryan and kisses his neck. “It’s not for the muffins. I still can’t believe you did all that work for me—figuring out how to make cum, buying the special dildo—all because of my stupid need for cum.”

“I told you, it’s not stupid. It’s important to you, so it’s not stupid.”

Scott opens his mouth to argue back. He still can’t get over that little hint of shame when he’s forced to confront some of the weirder things he enjoys. That cruel voice in his head always taunts him, reminding him that he’s disgusting, shameful and a bunch of other horrible things. The voice is an echo of countless of voices who have said those things to him over the years, mostly his aunt and the countless of asshole’s he’s gone to for sex.

But Ryan interrupts all of that by pressing his fingers to his lips. “How about a new rule? I’m forbidding you from calling anything you like weird or stupid. Just because there’s a part of your brain that thinks they’re weird and stupid doesn’t make it true.”

That makes the words die in Scott’s throat. He stares at Ryan. “Seriously? You’d—you’d do that for me?”

“Absolutely. I hate it when you say negative things about yourself and if the only way to get you to stop doing it is to order you not to do it, then that’s what we’ll do. We’re gonna re-train your brain.”

Swallowing hard, Scott pulls back and kisses Ryan firmly. God, he loves this man so much. “I love you,” he whispers against Ryan’s lips. “You know how much this means to me.” He knows Ryan understands he’s talking about all of it—the fake cum, the special dildos and most importantly, jumping into the battle against the dark, nasty voice that lives in Scott’s head. Over the years, Scott’s almost given up on fighting the cruel anxiety that lives in his head, but if Ryan thinks they can beat it, then he’ll jump back into the fight.

Ryan’s lips curl into a smile and he kisses him back. “You being happy makes me happy, and you know I love making things and figuring out stuff we can use for scenes. It was fun for me. Plus, seeing you covered in cum is gonna be really hot. But you know what’s gonna be even hotter? Watching your confidence heal.”

Tilting his head, Scott licks his way into Ryan’s mouth, deepening the kiss. His arms are shaking as he clings to Ryan.

It takes him a while to calm down, but he finally gets himself together enough to release Ryan and undo his gun belt and unclip his badge. “You wanna put our guns and badges away? Afterwards, you can sit and relax. I’m gonna make dinner, then you make muffins and we’ll do scene negotiations and prep while the muffins bake. Deal?”

Ryan grins and takes off his gun belt. “You won’t hear any complaints from me.”

* * *

“—and then the dildo’s gonna attach here,” Ryan says, fastening the dildo to a metal attachment that he’s clipped to the metal bars of the headboard. Scott’s facing the headboard, his wrist cuffs and thigh cuffs chained to the bedposts at the head of the bed, while his ankle cuffs are chained to the bedposts behind him. The chains are tight enough so his knees are spread apart, but it’s a comfortable position. As usual, he’s wearing his shirt and underwear, the overhead light is on and Ryan’s fully clothed in a baggy shirt and sweatpants.

“Is that a good height?” Ryan asks, standing on the other side of the headboard, balancing on the vertical bars in his socked feet while he frowns down at the dildo.

Scott leans closer to the dildo but doesn’t put it into his mouth. He needs to pay attention. “Yeah, that’s good.”

“So you can suck one of them, I’ll fuck you and then I’ll fuck you with one of the other squirting dildos. I’ll have the bottle of cum so you can be covered head to toe with cum, if you want.”

Scott grins, a warm glow in his stomach as he thinks about how good it’ll feel.

Ryan chuckles. “Focus, Scott. We’re not done discussing things.”

“It’s your damn fault I’m distracted, Harris. Quit talking about me being covered in cum and it’ll be easier to concentrate.”

“What are you gonna do to make me shut up, huh? Gonna shove me over? Oh, wait…you can’t cause you’re stuck.” Ryan dissolves into laughter, slouching against the headboard.

Scott chuckles and doesn’t attempt to get closer to Ryan. The chains won’t stretch that far and it’ll just amuse Ryan and they can’t have that. “Ha ha, funny man. Now who’s not focusing? Pay fucking attention, Harris. God. You said you wanted to ask me about using something else.”

“Oh, right! How do you feel about blindfolds?”

Just like that, a shudder runs through Scott and his smile slips off his face. Without even thinking about it, he’s remembering what had happened the last time he’d been blindfolded while having sex with somebody.

He’d done some scenes where the doms had blindfolded him, and he’d hated it. Not knowing what the dom would do to him once he was tied up was stressful enough, but being blindfolded had made it even worse. He wouldn’t know if he was about to be gently touched or brutally beaten and he wouldn’t be able to anticipate where the touches or hits would be coming from. If the dom had told him ahead of time that he’d be alternating slaps and punches with other touches, Scott might have been into it, but they hadn’t had any discussions before Scott had been tied up and the blindfold had been put on him.

There had been one terrifying time when the dom had blindfolded him and let in a bunch of strangers who had proceeded to beat the shit out of him in between having sex with him. It had terrified Scott. For the first time during these encounters, he’d actually thought he was going to die. He’d stayed off the BDSM website for two months after that, but then the urge to do it again had overcome his sense of self-preservation and he’d logged back on.

“Scotty?”

Scott blinks hard. “I’m—I’m okay.”

“Let me get you down. Hang on.”

Watching numbly, Scott sees Ryan unclip each of the chains and his arms slump down against his sides. When he can move freely, he slowly sits down on the mattress, leaning against the metal bars of the headboard.

Ryan sits across from him, looking very worried. “Scotty, what—what do you want me to do? I didn’t know you’re not okay with blindfolds, I’m sorry. Tell me what you need and I’ll do it. Or spell it out with your hands.”

Pushing the bad memories back, Scott sighs softly and gives Ryan a smile. He hates that he’s scared Ryan so badly, but the mention of the blindfold had shocked him. “No, don’t apologize. It’s my fault for not telling you. We agreed it’s not fair for you to be a mind reader. I’ve tried being more open, but I completely forgot about the blindfold thing.”

“So, no blindfold? That’s a hard limit?”

Scott’s about to say that yes, blindfolds are absolutely a hard limit, but then he pauses. The blindfold had been terrifying because the asshole had let in a bunch of strangers. There’s no way Ryan will do that. Ryan won’t hit him or hurt him. Scott already knows that and his brain will go into subspace anyway and if there’s nothing to panic him, he won’t have enough brain power to panic. Ryan wants to try using a blindfold, so Scott’s willing to give it a shot. “No, it’s not a hard limit. Not really. I’ve just had bad experiences with blindfolds in the past.”

Ryan’s looking at him, his eyes worried. “You wanna tell me about it? You don’t have to, but if I don’t know what we’re dealing with, then I’m not willing to use blindfolds.”

Scott wants to try using the blindfolds, so he forces himself to start talking. “One of the assholes put a blindfold on me. Well, it happened more than once, but there was one time it was really bad. They usually put the blindfold on me and then alternate hitting and slapping me during sex. It was scary not seeing where the hits were coming from, but I didn’t really mind it. It didn’t turn me on, but it wasn’t a big deal. The bad time, the asshole let in a bunch of other people when I was blindfolded and tied up and they beat the shit out of me while they were having sex with me.”

Ryan’s gone very pale and he looks horrified. “Jesus…”

“I honestly thought they might kill me. I couldn’t protect myself because they had me tied to the bed and I really thought they’d kill me. But I’m not worried about that happening now.”

From the looks of devastation on Ryan’s face, he needs to move this into a better direction. He doesn’t want Ryan staying upset because of his own stupidity. Giving Ryan a soft smile, he crawls over to him and gently puts his hands on his face, pressing the wrist cuffs against Ryan’s face. “I’m okay now. That’s what’s important. I’m with you, I trust you and I know you’d never hurt me like that. So I thought about it and I’d like to try using blindfolds.”

Ryan searches his face for a long moment, still looking upset. Sighing softly, Scott pulls Ryan into his arms and presses his face into his neck, holding him tight while Ryan clings to him.

“I’m okay now. There’s no use getting upset over what might have happened in the past. You’ve dealt with a lot more violence than I have, so if you’re gonna feel bad for somebody, then you should put yourself at the top of the list.”

“It’s not a competition,” Ryan mumbles into his neck.

Scott sighs softly. “My point is that I’ve put all that into the past and left it there. I understand if you can’t do that, but you don’t have to worry about me. I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to handle it and I’ll enjoy it. After all, it’ll be you there, not some asshole.”

Ryan stays motionless for a while, clinging to Scott, until he finally pulls back. Pressing his forehead to Scott’s, he closes his eyes. “He used to use a belt on me,” Ryan says quietly.

Scott freezes.

“This one time, he was so angry about something, and it was like a switch just flipped in his head and he wouldn’t stop. I ended up losing consciousness. I just remember my mom screaming and then everything went black. When I woke up, my mom told me it was gonna stop. She waited a few weeks until I was strong enough, then she packed a bag and woke me up in the middle of the night and we took off. We went to one of the women shelters that the cops were always telling my mom about when the neighbors called them.”

This was the part of the story Scott hadn’t known. He’d known the general details that Ryan and his mom had fled when he was nine, but he hadn’t known that something so horrific had spurned his mom’s decision. Rage at the asshole who’d dared to call himself Ryan’s dad fills him and he pulls Ryan close. “I’m so sorry,” he whispers.

“I’d never hurt you like that, Scotty. I just can’t. It’s not even about me not enjoying it, I physically can’t do that to someone.”

Pulling back, Scott struggles to push aside the rage burning in his gut and pay attention to Ryan. He puts his hands on Ryan’s face and manages to smile. “I know. I’ve never been worried about that. We’ve had plenty of fights where we wanted to strangle each other and things never got physical. It doesn’t make sense that you’d lose control and hurt me in the middle of a scene. You have more control during scenes instead of less.”

Ryan smiles. “That’s true,” he says, his voice faint. “Domspace is a cool thing.”

“Yeah.” Scott kisses Ryan, soft, chaste kisses meant to soothe and comfort.

Eventually, Ryan kisses back and sighs softly. “So, we wanna tackle one of your bad memories head on and blast it to pieces?”

Grinning, Scott nods. “Yep.”

“You sure? I don’t care about using a blindfold, so don’t do it for me. I just suggested it as something extra.”

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

They’re quiet for a while. Scott considers whether to bring up the last point he’s been wanting to make. He hadn’t counted on the mood getting so serious, but maybe the change in topic will put them back on stable ground. “So, since we’re suggesting things, I have something too.”

“Really?” Ryan leans back from him and grins. Scott figured he’d jump all over this. It’s the first time Scott’s comfortable enough to talk about what he wants during scene prep without being prompted. It’s nerve wracking, but Scott knows Ryan will be kind and that gives him the confidence to keep talking.

“Yeah. So, not to drastically change the subject or anything, but I’ve always had a fantasy of being gangbanged.”

Ryan bursts out laughing. “Jesus, Jenkins!”

He shrugs with a grin. “You want me to rewind and take the scenic route to the topic change? I have no idea how to get from blindfolds to gangbang without referencing BDSM porn, but I can try.”

Still chuckling, Ryan lies down on the mattress, propping himself up on his elbows. Scott can tell they’re back to clinical scene negotiation mode. “Okay. Gangbang. Go.”

Scott grins, his heart racing. “You know I like cock and cum.”

“I don’t think ‘like’ is the right word.”

“Okay, fine. I love cock and cum with a passion that might be disturbing if you didn’t find my love for them as hot as I do.”

Ryan laughs. “That’s true. So, a gangbang is right up your alley. Lots of cocks and lots of cum.” Then he grows serious. “But there’s logistical problems with that. Cocks are usually attached to people, and that presents a whole bunch of problems.”

“Oh, I don’t want other people involved. No way. But you said you bought three of those squirting dildos, right?”

Ryan had proudly told him that the website he’d bought them from had a three-for-one sale and he’d taken full advantage. He watches Ryan’s face and he sees a smile growing on his face as he gets it. “You wanna use all three of them?”

“Uh huh. Including your cock, that’s four total. Like a mini gangbang. We can see how things go and then maybe we can add more cocks in the future.”

Ryan narrows his eyes at him, a knowing smile on his face. “And you’ve already figured out where you want what, right?”

Grinning, Scott struggles to suppress the excitement welling up inside him. “Oh, yeah.” Spinning around, he knee-walks to the headboard. “Pay careful attention, Detective Harris. You’re gonna be expected to reproduce this setup tomorrow and I’ll expect perfection.”

Ryan laughs behind him, sounding relaxed and very happy. “Go ahead with your instructions.”

“So we’re gonna need all three of those cocks, and a separate bottle of cum. No, make that two bottles—”


	18. Chapter 18

When they start the scene the next day, things go well at first. Scott’s chained to the bedposts, facing the headboard, and the wonderful cuffs are holding his wrists, ankles and thighs. As always, the feel of the chains holding him in place fills him with a sense of safety and peace.

Ryan’s behind him, his chest pressed to Scott’s back and he’s rubbing his hands over Scott’s chest. “You feeling good?”

Scott nods, feeling excited. One of Ryan’s hands runs up his neck to his hair and grabs it, pulling his head back. The small hint of pain makes Scott moan and he starts to float.

Ryan kisses his neck. “Let’s get the blindfold on you.” Ryan lifts his head back up and the black blindfold is being pulled over his head, the strap soft across the back of his head as Ryan pulls the front of the strap over his forehead and stops.

Staring at the headboard in front of him and the two squirting dildos attached to it, Scott can’t wait to get his mouth on them. The thought of sucking on them with the blindfold on fills him with excitement. All the bad memories from the past will float away and be replaced with something amazing.

“Okay, here we go,” Ryan murmurs into his ear, and the blindfold is pulled down over Scott’s eyes and his world plunges into darkness.

The change is unsettling and Scott can feel his eyelashes scrapping over the inside of the blindfold as he blinks. It makes no difference whether his eyes are open or not—his world stays dark. Two hands are rubbing over his chest and Scott tenses. He looks down but he can’t see whose hands they are. That’s not good, that’s not—

“You okay? I know it’s dark, but I’m right here. Nothing’s changed, I promise,” Ryan’s voice says into his ear.

Blinking hard, tension creeps through Scott and a hint of fear crawls up his back. No matter how he turns his head, Scott can’t see anything. This…isn’t good. There are hands rubbing over his chest, but he can’t see whose hands they are. He can’t see whose hands they are!

Fear is making it hard to breathe. He knows they must be Ryan’s hands, but he doesn’t know for sure!

His jaw is clenched and his heart starts to race, but not from excitement. He can’t see!

He realizes other people could be in the room with them—they could be coming in right now and they’ll hurt him. He needs to see! He needs to see where the people are so he can prepare himself for the pain. Whimpering from fear, Scott tries bringing his hands to his face so he can yank off the blindfold—but something’s holding his hands, preventing him from reaching his face. Shit! He can’t get the blindfold off!

_He can’t get the blindfold off!_

“Scotty? Gimme a sign. You wanna stop?”

No! No, that’s the last thing he wants! He whines and firmly shakes his head. No, he doesn’t want to stop. If they stop, Ryan’s going to remove the chains and he doesn’t want the chains to stop holding him! He wants to keep floating. He just—he just—he needs to see! But he can’t use his hands to get the blindfold off!

Strange hands are touching his chest and somebody is pressed up against his back and he’s surrounded by strangers who might hurt him and he needs to see! He needs to see! He needs to—

“I’m gonna take the blindfold off, okay?”

And suddenly, light floods his world once more. Blinking hard, Scott stares around, his heart still hammering with panic. Looking around, he frantically tries to see if anybody else had come into the room. He can see the headboard, the dildos attached to it, the wonderful chains, but no other people.

When a hand on his chest moves, panic floods him again. Somebody’s here! Somebody’s here and they’re gonna hurt him and it’ll be awful and—

“Scotty, it’s just me. Look at me, Scotty. Please. Look at me.”

The hand gently turns his chin and then he’s staring at Ryan, who’s looking at him, looking very worried. Looking down, Scott finally realizes that the hands on him are clearly Ryan’s. And that’s Ryan’s chest pressed up against him.

“It’s just me. There’s nobody else here, I promise. You wanna stop? Just gimme the sign or nod your head and—”

No! No, no, no! Scott doesn’t want to stop. Letting out a sob, Scott shakes his head, while he’s staring at Ryan. No, he doesn’t want to stop. Now that he can see again, reality slowly trickles past his panic and he remembers where he is and what they’re doing. He doesn’t want to stop, he just needs time to get settled. Slowly, he crosses his index and middle fingers of both hands, making the sign for ‘slow down’.

He sees Ryan glance at his hands. “Okay, we’re gonna slow down. We’re gonna slow way down, I promise. You want the chains to stay on?”

Scott nods frantically. Yes, he definitely wants the chains to stay. The chains keep him safe. If they let go, he’ll fall and never stop falling.

“Okay, nobody’s gonna touch the chains. We’re just gonna stay here like this. You want me to keep touching you?”

Yes, that’s exactly what Scott needs. He nods and sees Ryan smile softly. Ryan’s arms are wrapping around him, holding him against his warm, solid chest.

Letting out a shaky sigh, Scott relaxes against Ryan and the chains, slowly calming down. Ryan’s arms are around his front, Ryan’s pressed up against his back, Ryan’s semi-hard cock is pressed against his ass, Ryan’s kissing his neck, and the chains are holding his arms and legs. He’s wrapped up in safety and love and that makes his panic fade.

“You’re doing so good, Scotty. You’re my good boy, aren’t you? We’re not gonna use the blindfold again, I promise.”

Smiling, Scott rests his head against Ryan’s, listening to him whisper into his ear.

“You’re my amazing, wonderful Scotty, aren’t you? I’m gonna take care of you, I promise. Nobody’s gonna hurt you. I won’t let them. You’re safe and I’m gonna take care of you because you’re my good boy and I love you so much. You don’t have to worry about anything, I promise. I love you and I’m gonna protect you.”

Ryan’s words fill him with joy and Scott’s floating again. Ryan’s his dom and Ryan will protect him and take care of him because he loves Scott. He’s Ryan’s good boy and that’s everything’s Scott’s ever wanted. His limbs grow heavy as he floats away, basking in warmth and love.

Everything is right in the world.

Time loses all meaning and he has no idea how long he just floats there, Ryan holding him tight and whispering wonderful words into his ears, kissing his neck and rubbing his chest. Eventually, one of Ryan’s hands drifts down to his cock and gently strokes it.

Scott moans, arousal slowly lighting up in his belly. Looking down, he sees his cock getting hard, Ryan’s hand tugging on it and rubbing his thumb over the head.

“You’re doing so good, Scotty. Look at your cock getting all hard for me. You’re my good boy,” Ryan says into his neck and kisses it.

Groaning, Scott nods happily. Yes, he’s definitely Ryan’s good boy.

Ryan’s other hand goes up to tangle in Scott’s hair again and pulls his head back, sucking and biting his neck and tightening his grip in his hair until Scott moans at the flare of pain and pleasure that lights him up. The hand on his cock tightens as it strokes him, then the hand slides down to squeeze his balls, making Scott cry out at how good it feels.

“You ready for some cock in your mouth? I think you are. I’m gonna fuck your mouth with thick, hard cocks.”

Oh, yes, please! His mouth watering, Scott’s heart start to race again. The hand in his hair gives one last, hard pull—making Scott cry out—then it pulls his head upright. Ryan’s other hand releases his cock and grabs his chin in a hard grip.

Without Scott having to do anything, Ryan’s chest pushes him forward a bit, bringing his face closer to one of the two delicious cocks waiting on the headboard. Unfortunately, his journey forward stops right when the cock is inches from his mouth.

Whining, Scott opens his mouth and tries to get closer, but Ryan’s got an iron grip on his face. Sticking out his tongue, Scott just manages to lick the very tip of the cock, but it’s not nearly enough.

An amused chuckle drifts into his ear as Ryan kisses his cheek and presses his face to Scott’s. “You want this cock in your mouth so bad, don’t you? I know you do. I think the cock wants to be in your mouth too. You’re gonna do a good job sucking it and if you’re good, the cock will come in your mouth and give you lots of cum.”

Moaning at the thought, Scott flicks his tongue against the head of the cock. Finally, his head is moving forward again and the thick head of the cock slides past his lips and into his mouth.

Groaning, Scott seals his lips around the hard length and closes his eyes. Ryan’s grip in his hair and on his chin slides his mouth up and down the cock. The first few thrusts are shallow, then Ryan slides his mouth further down the cock each time, filling more of his mouth with the thick cock.

“You’re doing so good. You’re being a good cock slut, aren’t you? You love having cock in your mouth, feeling it stretch your lips and fill your mouth. You’re being my good boy, sucking that cock so well. I’m so proud of you.”

Scott can’t really smile with his lips stretched around the cock, but Ryan’s words send a shiver of warmth through him. Oh, he loves being Ryan’s good boy and knowing he’s doing a good job. Ryan’s proud of him and he feels fantastic and oh, this can’t get any better—

—and then the cock spurts a little bit of cum into his mouth and he’s about to pass out. Moaning, he eagerly rubs his tongue over the slit when his head is pulled back far enough and when he slides back down, the cock slides through the cum, coating his entire mouth and it tastes so good and makes him feel amazing.

“You like the cum in your mouth, don’t you? You’re being my good boy and you’re making the cock so happy. You’re gonna get lots more cum. Lots more. You gotta keep being my good boy and keep sucking the cock.”

The promise of more cum makes Scott let out a small sob of want. His own cock is throbbing and he pulls on the chains on his legs and arms, tightening the chains as Ryan slides his mouth up and down the cock. After a few more thrusts, more cum oozes out of the cock. It’s much more than before and Scott groans as it fills his mouth.

“Don’t swallow it, Scott. Let the cock make a mess out of your mouth. I wanna see the cum dripping out of your mouth.”

Moaning, Scott holds the sticky cum in his mouth, letting the cock smear it around as it fucks his mouth. The cum coats the cock and some of it slides out of the corner of his mouth and slowly drips down his chin.

Ryan lets out a groan that vibrates through them and he licks some of the cum off Scott’s face. “Fuck, that’s hot. Jesus.”

Ryan’s cock is pressed up against him, hard and rubbing up his crack. Jesus, Scott wishes he could rub his ass on it, but there’s no way he has the coordination to do that. Besides, he wants to keep concentrating on the cock in his mouth. He doesn’t have to worry over what Ryan does with his cock. Ryan knows Scott really wants to get fucked and Ryan will decide when that happens because Ryan’s his dom and Scott doesn’t have to worry about making such decisions.

Eventually, the pace of his mouth sliding up and down the cock slows. “You’re doing so good. So good. I’m so proud of you. Gimme a sign, Scotty.”

Now that the cock’s stopped moving so much, Scott can focus enough on extending his index fingers and thumb. That earns him a kiss on the neck.

“Good boy. I think the other cock wants some attention too, so let’s give this one break. We’ll come back to it when it’s ready to give you more cum.”

Just the thought of being able to keep sucking cock for so much longer makes Scott let out a happy whine and he doesn’t pay attention to the strange empty feeling when Ryan pulls his mouth off one cock. He hardly has time to notice it, because there’s another cock in front of his face, just waiting for him, and Ryan slides Scott’s mouth right onto it.

The cock fill his mouth, sliding through the cum from the other cock and making him groan happily.

This time, Ryan sets a hard, deep pace right away, sliding the cock in until it nearly slips into Scott’s throat before pulling him off far enough that he’s sucking and licking at the head, before going down again.

“What a good boy. Look at you, you’re doing so good.”

Scott’s jaw is aching but he doesn’t want to ever stop. He loses track of time again until the cock spurts cum into his mouth. It tastes delicious and it makes him feel so happy. His own cock aches between his legs but he ignores it. Ryan will decide when he gets to come so Scott doesn’t have to worry about that. Instead, he sucks on the head of the cock and feels it spurt more cum into his mouth. The cock smears the cum around his mouth and more of it drips out to cover his face.

“Fuck, you should see yourself, Scott. Your face is covered in cum and spit. Fuck, you look gorgeous.”

Smiling around the cock in his mouth, Scott keeps sucking on it until his mouth is pulled off it. Whining, Scott opens his mouth and tries to get it back, but Ryan tightens his grip on his chin. “Hush, Scott. It’s okay. I’m gonna get your hole ready for fucking, then you can have the cocks back in your mouth.”

Oh, that’s alright then.

Ryan shifts back a bit, then there are lubed fingers rubbing over his hole. Before Scott can even groan at how good it feels, three of the fingers push at his rim and slide inside. He’s so relaxed that the fingers slide in with just a bit of a stretch. The fingers fuck him, twisting and stretching his hole while Scott moans at how good it feels and shifts his ass enough to fuck the fingers.

Ryan chuckles. “Such an eager cock slut, aren’t you?”

Then the fingers are removed and the blunt, thick head of Ryan’s latex covered cock is pushing at his rim and slowly sliding in, filling him up.

Dropping his head back on Ryan’s shoulder, Scott groans. Ryan’s arms wrap around him and rub over his chest while his hips do little rolls, grinding his cock into Scott.

“Fuck, you feel good,” Ryan groans into his ear, his grip tight across Scott’s chest. Ryan fucks him for a while, filling his ass with his thick cock and his thighs smacking into Scott’s ass with each hard thrust before he slows. “Jesus. Okay, let’s get your mouth back on those cocks.”

Ryan’s hands grab his hair and chin again and Scott’s being moved closer to the first cock again, opening his mouth in eager anticipation. This time, when the cock slides into his mouth, Ryan’s cock is in his ass and he wants to cry at how good it feels.

The chains and Ryan are holding him, he’s got a cock in his mouth, he’s got a cock in his ass and the cock in his mouth is hopefully going to give him lots more cum.

When his mouth is pulled up the cock, Ryan’s cock also slides out of his ass. When the cock slides back into his mouth, Ryan’s cock slides back into his ass. The rhythm starts slow and speeds up until Scott’s mouth and ass are being fucked hard by cocks and all Scott has to do is let the chains and Ryan hold onto him and let them use his body.

Eventually, the cock spurts more cum into his mouth and Scott’s so relaxed that he can’t even keep his mouth closed enough to create a seal, so most of it drips out of his mouth.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Scotty. Fuck, you have no idea how hot you look right now,” Ryan gasps into his ear, fucking him hard while the cock in his mouth smears the sticky cum everywhere.

Scott’s barely aware of being moved over to another cock. He only notices because the cock tastes slightly different from the other one. He’s lost count of how many cocks he’s had in his mouth. This is as amazing as he’d always dreamed it would be. He doesn’t have to worry about anything, he doesn’t have to think, he can just relax and he’ll have as many cock as he wants fucking him and filling him up with cum.

While he’s sucking on the new cock, the pace of Ryan’s thrusts in his ass increase and Scott knows he’s going to come. He eagerly waits for Ryan to fill him up with cum…

…but then to his surprise, Ryan pulls out. At the same time, his mouth is being pulled off the cock. Whining, Scott clenches his ass on the emptiness and tries getting his mouth back on the cock in front of him, but Ryan holds him tight, one arm wrapped around his chest.

“You’re doing so good. You’re being my good boy. I’m gonna come on your back and your chest and I’m gonna cover you with cum.”

Oh, that sounds amazing!

Scott relaxes against Ryan and feels his hard cock rubbing up his crack. Ryan’s taken the condom off, so Scott can feel the warmth of Ryan’s cock as it thrusts and rubs over his ass and back.

Barely managing to breathe, Scott waits for it and finally, he feels the spurt of Ryan’s warm cum on his back. Stripes of it cover his back and slowly drip down to his ass and Scott lets out a happy sound.

Then Ryan’s chest presses up against his back, smearing the cum between them. “That felt good, huh? I got more cum for you. Let’s get some on your chest too.”

A hand is tangling in Scott’s hair and pulling his head back while Ryan bites his neck hard, then long strips of cum land on his chest.

“Look, Scott. Look at how much cum you got.”

The hand in his hair tilts his head down and Scott sees his chest covered in cum. His heart squeezes with happiness and a huge smile spreads over his face.

His head is being turned and he sees Ryan smiling at him. “You feel good?”

Scott nods, beaming. God, he never wants this to end.

Grinning at him, Ryan kisses his cheek. “Good. Okay, let’s keep going. You’ve only had one cock in your ass today but that greedy hole wants another one. And let’s get your mouth back on those cocks.”

Scott is having a hard time keeping up with what Ryan’s saying, but it doesn’t matter. Ryan didn’t ask him any questions so Scott doesn’t have to worry about any of it. Ryan’s his dom and he’ll take care of him. A new cock pushing at his rim and slowly sliding into his ass, filling him up. It doesn’t have a condom on it and that makes him very happy.

For some reason, Ryan doesn’t grab his chin when he brings Scott’s head back to the cocks, but that’s okay because as soon as Scott slides his lips over the cock in front of him, the cock in his ass starts to fuck him.

He relaxes, feeling the cocks fucking his ass and mouth, filling him up and all he has to do is enjoy the incredible feelings as the chains and Ryan hold him.

“God, you’re fucking gorgeous, Scotty. You have no idea. You’re covered in cum and spit and you look so fucking happy. So happy. You’re fucking glowing. I’m so proud of you. You want cum dripping out of your ass too, don’t you? And you want some more in your mouth?”

Groaning, Scott can barely keep his eyes open, feeling the cocks fucking him. He has no idea which cock will give him cum first, but then to his surprise, they both come at the same time. The cock in his mouth spurts a little bit into his mouth, while the cock in his ass squirts large amounts of cum into him.

Oh, it feels so good to have cum fill his ass again! The cock doesn’t stop fucking him, it slides through the cum and it’s getting everywhere and that makes him smile. The cock keeps fucking him, the cum dripping out of his ass whenever the cock is pulled out far enough and Scott groans happily.

“Fuck, look at all that cum. You’re a fucking mess. I think it’s time you come now. Let’s get you covered in your own cum.”

The cock in his ass is pulled out, but the cum drips out of his ass and runs down his legs and that makes him so happy that he barely notices being empty. The cock in his mouth stays put and Ryan’s hands are running down his chest and wrapping themselves around his cock, their grip warm and sticky with cum.

Ryan fists him hard, squeezing his balls and rubbing sticky thumbs over the sensitive head of his cock as Scott groans around the thick cock in his mouth.

“I want you to come now. Get yourself covered in more cum, come on. Be my good boy and come.”

That’s all he needs and his orgasm flares up in his gut and slams through him. Warm cum lands on his stomach, adding to the other cum that was already there. It seems to last forever and Ryan’s praising him and jerking his cock until he’s done coming, then slides his hands back to Scott’s chest, rubbing the cum all over him.

Scott slumps in the chains, letting them support his weight. He would be content to stay exactly where he is for the rest of his life.

To his surprise, even though the scene is now over, he doesn’t feel himself dropping as quickly as he usually does. There’s no need to worry. Ryan will take care of him. He’s not alone and Ryan’s his dom who loves him and will take care of him even now that the sex part is finished. There’s no reason to get anxious over what the future holds.

So he just hangs there, letting the chains and Ryan support him. He’s tired and a little cold, but mostly okay. He’s pulled off the cock that had filled his mouth but he doesn’t have to worry about the emptiness he’s feeling, because—

—and there they are. A small cock is sliding into his ass that he clenches down on and another one is being put into his mouth and a soft strap is wrapped around his head. There’s the clinking of chains and his arms are being lowered. Fuck, his arms are sore.

“Scotty, you want the blanket?”

Shaking his head, Scott relaxes. He’s not cold enough to need the blanket. He’s fine. Ryan’s going to take care of him.

“Okay, the chains are off. I’m gonna lie you down. Your legs and arms are gonna be a bit stiff so we’re gonna let them rest for a while.”

That’s nice. Sighing happily around the cock in his mouth, Scott lets Ryan guide him down onto his back and slowly stretch out his stiff legs. Eventually, Ryan crawls up the bed and puts Scott’s head on his lap, smiling down at him. Scott sleepily blinks up at him, feeling amazing. He’s definitely drifting downwards from subspace, but it’s not the harsh, sudden fall he’s used to. He’s coming down gently, like a feather floating downwards.

Ryan’s looking down at him and he’s rubbing Scott’s arms. “God, you’re covered in cum. You’re my happy boy, aren’t you?”

Scott nods sleepily, smiling up at him. He feels amazing. Being covered in cum is incredible, despite the chains no longer holding him. The cum is a reminder of how much Ryan loves him and what a great scene they’d done. All those cocks gave him their cum because he was a good boy and everything is fantastic.

Realizing he can move his arms now, Scott touches the cum on his chest, running his hands through the sticky, drying cum. It really is everywhere. It’s on his chest, his stomach, his cock, his face, his neck and when he slowly lifts his sore legs, he feels it between his legs too, covering his hole, the base of the cock plugging him up and thighs.

Leaning down, Ryan kisses his forehead and grins down at him, his eyes shining. “You love feeling all that cum on you, huh? You don’t want me to clean you up yet, do you?”

Scott smiles and shakes his head, staring up at Ryan.

“Yeah, I didn’t think so,” Ryan says with a fond chuckle. “You wanna come lie down against the headboard? I know you wanna keep touching the cum and you can do that, but I gotta lie down.”

Slowly blinking up at him, Scott doesn’t really understand what Ryan’s saying. It sounds very complicated.

Ryan chuckles. “You’re coming down so nice, aren’t you? Okay, just relax. I’m gotta get us re-organized.”

Scott allows Ryan to manhandle him around, tugging him this way and that until Ryan’s leaning up against the headboard, pillows behind him and Scott lying between his legs and leaning against his chest. He can’t stop touching the cum that’s covering him, rubbing it into his skin.

Ryan’s got his arms wrapped loosely around him, but he moves them whenever Scott wants to feel cum that’s in a place being blocked by his arms. The whole time, Ryan keeps talking to him and kissing his neck, reminding Scott how proud he is of him.

It feels amazing to come down so slowly and gently. There’s no fear, no anxiety. Ryan will take care of him and Scott doesn’t have to worry about anything. There’s no question about that in Scott’s mind. It’s just a fact.

Eventually, Scott dozes off, but that’s okay too. Ryan won’t go anywhere while he sleeps and he drifts off in Ryan’s arms.


	19. Chapter 19

While Scott dozes, Ryan has plenty of time to mentally berate himself.

His first mistake had been not test-driving the use of the blindfold before the scene. Yes, Scott had put it on a few minutes before the scene to try it out, but Ryan should have been more cautious. It had been the first time they’d done something in their scenes which had very bad associations for Scott and even though Scott hadn’t taken it that seriously, Ryan should have kept his excitement in check and been more cautious.

Ryan’s heart had nearly stopped when Scott had tensed up as soon as the blindfold had been put on. He knows Scott’s body well enough by now to feel when he’s tensing in good ways or bad ways, and this was all bad. Scott hadn’t given him any signs or tried to communicate in any other way and Ryan had panicked, not knowing if removing the blindfold would make things worse or better. He’d hoped that Scott would spell something out or give him a sign, but except for yanking on his restraints, Scott had been completely fixated on his panic.

It had been a good lesson for Ryan. Up until this point, they hadn’t had a situation where Scott had really panicked. Now Ryan knows that if Scott’s truly panicking and already in subspace, he can’t be relied on to communicate even with basic signs. Ryan’s fine being fully responsible for Scott’s wellbeing during scenes, but that means he needs to be more cautious and put his foot down if Scott’s wanting something that Ryan knows has a high chance of leading to a disaster.

But the blindfold disaster had led to Ryan’s other big mistake. He hadn’t noticed until halfway through the scene that he’d been referring to Scott as ‘my good boy’ and using other possessive language. Scott hadn’t reacted negatively to it, but they’d established that possessive language is one of Scott’s hard limits so that’s a big no-no. Ryan’s angry with himself for having forgotten about it just because his own panic had overwhelmed him and he’d defaulted to language that made him feel comfortable.

Feeling Scott stirring in his arms, Ryan glances down and mentally prepares himself for a tough conversation. “Hey, Scotty. Welcome back to planet Earth.”

Scott groans and stretches, then makes the predictable face when he feels the plug in his ass. Reaching down, he tugs it out, then reaches up to pull off the gag plug.

Leaning over, Ryan grabs the water bottle from the bedside table. “Want some water?”

“Yeah,” Scott mumbles, sounding hoarse.

Ryan helps Scott drink and wraps his arms around his chest again. Scott’s still covered in drying cum—both the real stuff and the cornstarch stuff—and Ryan knows his own chest and arms are covered in it too. The fact that he’d managed to salvage the scene after the blindfold disaster is the only bright spot of the evening.

Kissing Scott’s head, he squeezes him tight. “How’re you feeling? You wanna get cleaned up?”

Scott chuckles. “I don’t think a cloth will do the job. You wanna jump in the shower?”

Anything to delay having Scott confront him about the many ways Ryan had messed up. “Sure.”

Scott makes a face when he has to take off the cuffs and Ryan helps him into the bathroom, since Scott’s still a bit shaky on his legs. They get themselves cleaned up and make dinner.

While they’re eating, Scott grins at him. “So, did you notice I didn’t drop so fast?”

Managing a smile, Ryan nods. He’d definitely noticed that but he thinks most of it has to do with Scott getting his need for cum filled, not anything Ryan did. “Yeah. I think it was the cum.”

Scott looks thoughtful as he cuts up some of his chicken. “Yeah, but that was only a small part. You did such a fantastic job after the scene was done—putting the plugs in me, getting me down, holding me—and even when I’m coming down and my brain still has the IQ of a bowl of pudding, my brain knows you’re gonna take care of me. Every single time a scene ends and you take care of me, I start to lose some of that fear from how those assholes treated me. I don’t have to think about whether you’re gonna take care of me, because I know you’re going to. I know that like I know my own name.”

Despite his glum mood about how the rest of this conversation will go, Ryan can’t help but smile happily at that. “I’m really happy you trust me that much.”

Scott snorts. “Of course I do. I’m just glad my body’s finally getting on board with it too.”

They go back to eating, but eventually Ryan notices Scott’s staring at him. “What? Do I still have cum on my face?”

Scott laughs. “Nope. I’m just wondering why you seem so down after the best scene I’ve had in my entire life. Seriously, I’ve never felt that good. Ever. You did such an awesome job during the scene and during the aftercare—I don’t understand why you’re not peeling yourself off the ceiling with smugness. The scene went great. No matter what our test results say, doing scenes like that will give both of us exactly what we need.”

Ryan sighs and drops his fork. “You sure didn’t feel good at the beginning.”

Frowning, Scott chews on a mouthful of food and looks confused. “When? I loved the cocks.”

Staring at him, Ryan gives him an incredulous look. “The blindfold? You almost having a panic attack?”

Scott looks confused for another second—which Ryan can’t understand—then understanding dawns on his face. “Oh! I completely forgot about that,” he laughs. “Oh, shit! Well, that just shows how amazing you are. I remember I was freaking out about it and you made me completely forget it ever happened.”

“But it did happen and we gotta talk about it.”

Scott shrugs. “There’s not much to talk about. I overestimated my ability to deal with a blindfold. I didn’t like it one bit so I don’t wanna use one again.”

“But that’s the problem. We both underestimated how badly the blindfold would impact you and it nearly ruined the scene. And I had no idea you can’t communicate at all when you’re panicking and being fully responsible for—”

“What do you mean I didn’t communicate? I don’t remember much about it, but didn’t I give you a signal or spell something out?”

Ryan stares at him. “No. I asked you a bunch of times if you wanted the blindfold removed and I don’t think you even heard me. You didn’t give any signs and you didn’t spell anything out.”

Scott makes a face. “Shit, I’m sorry. I never realized that would happen.”

“That’s the point—neither of us knew what would happen if you freaked out and it’s my job to be more cautious, which is why I’m really sorry for what happened.”

“Wait, wait, wait—” Scott drops his fork. “Are you blaming yourself for it? I’m the one who agreed to use the blindfold and I’m the one who couldn’t tell you what was wrong.”

“That doesn’t matter. I knew there was a high chance that you’d react badly to it but I let your enthusiasm take control. I knew we should have practiced having you wear the blindfold before the scene for a lot longer than just a few minutes and work up to using it in a full scene slowly. I knew that and I pushed that aside. And as a dom, I can’t do that.”

Scott frowns at him. “But I’m responsible too. I overestimated myself and I put you into that bad situation.”

“That doesn’t matter. As a dom, it’s my responsibility to assess a situation and put my foot down if I’m not feeling confident about it. Especially if a sub goes into such a panic that they can’t communicate at all, which I should have realized was a strong possibility with you. I don’t wanna do that again and I don’t want you to go through something like that again, so I’m gonna put my foot down more firmly in the future.”

He’s preparing himself for an argument, so it shocks him when Scott just says: “Okay.”

Ryan blinks. “That’s it? Just ‘okay’? If I say we’re not doing something, even if you wanna do something, that’s okay with you?”

Scott rolls his eyes, a small smile on his face. “Of course it’s okay with me. You’re my dom. I love being able to give up control to you completely during scenes, but that means full control. You’re driving the car. I can’t decide that I’m napping one second and the next second, I’m grabbing the steering wheel from you.”

Scott’s words make Ryan’s breath catch. He has no idea if Scott had noticed that he’d called Ryan ‘his’ dom. An intense swell of pride rushes through him and his adrenaline spikes. The rush of emotions is ridiculous and maybe Scott’s not even aware of what his words really mean, but Ryan can’t help how he feels.

He’s never been somebody’s dom before. He’s always been _a_ dom to somebody, but not somebody’s dom. Up until now, he’s never allowed himself to refer to Scott as _his_ sub. Scott’s _a_ sub, just like Ryan’s _a_ dom and while they’re very sexually compatible, that’s as far as their sexual relationship can go right now. They might love each other in a romantic sense, but there’s a world of difference between two people loving each other and doing scenes together versus a sub accepting somebody as their dom.

For Ryan, that’s the equivalent of marriage and he knows that’s not something Scott’s ready for. But Scott’s casual slip makes Ryan think that maybe, their relationship can reach that higher level one day.

But that reminds Ryan of his other screw up. “I also need to apologize for my fuck up.”

“What fuck up? I told you, that was the best scene I’ve ever had. You salvaged the mess at the beginning and turned it into something amazing. It was so good that I completely forgot about the mess until you reminded me. That’s how fucking good you are, Harris.”

Ryan makes a face. “I…called you something I shouldn’t have. And I’m sorry.”

Scott frowns. “What did you call me?”

“I called you ‘my good boy’ a bunch of times.” He hurries to explain himself before Scott can start yelling. “I didn’t notice for a while because I was panicking over the blindfold thing. You know possessive language like that is important to me and I just defaulted to it because I wasn’t paying attention to what I was saying. But it’s one of your hard limits and I should have had more control than that. I’m really sorry.”

To Ryan’s surprise, Scott’s chewing his lower lip and he looks thoughtful. That not the reaction Ryan thought he’d have, so he just stares at him, waiting for him to say something.

“Can we maybe…renegotiate my hard limit on that?”

Ryan blinks. “I—well—sure? Do…you _wanna_ renegotiate it?”

Scott smiles, but it’s one of his shy smiles. “Yeah, I do. I really liked it when you called me your good boy.”

Excitement lights up within him, but Ryan forces himself to stay calm until he’s confirmed that Scott knows what he’s agreeing to. “You told me you don’t like it when people claim ownership over you.”

“That’s still true, but I realized that’s not the whole truth and it’s more complicated than that. I have a problem with people saying they own me and that they get to use me however they want if I didn’t give them permission to. But I do give you permission. Every single time we start a scene, I’m temporarily giving you my body. I do belong to you during a scene and that’s not an ugly, scary thing. It makes me feel safe and when you call me your good boy, I can hear the love and kindness in your voice. You’re not saying it to be cruel and remind me that I have no say over anything, but you’re saying it to reassure me that you’ll take care of me.”

Ryan grins, his heart soaring. “So you’re okay with me saying things like that?”

Scott’s grin mirrors his. “A hundred percent. Just don’t touch my cock when you say things like that or I guarantee you, I’ll come in about two seconds.”

Dissolving into laughter, Ryan slumps back into his chair, feeling relieved. This really was an awesome day.

* * *

Their next week starts off insanely busy and stays that way. Their days start early and end late—new cases, new evidence, old cases falling apart, backlogs at various departments finally being cleared and bringing forth a flood of reports and on and on and on. It’s just how things go sometimes and they know they just have to put their heads down and get through it.

Scott’s so exhausted whenever he gets home that the only thing he has time for is to check his mail box, then go up to his apartment, throw something from his freezer into the microwave long enough to defrost it and scarf it down before falling into bed. That Wednesday was supposed to be movie night, but both he and Ryan don’t have the energy for it.

Checking the mail box wouldn’t normally be such a set part of his daily routine, but he and Ryan have been waiting for their test results and the anticipation from what the results promise makes him stick to checking his mail box, no matter how tired he is when he gets home.

And on Thursday, his persistence pays off when he opens the small metal box and there are two envelopes from the clinic staring back at him. All of his exhaustion disappears and he pulls them out, staring at them with wide eyes. He wants to tear one of them open—the other is for Ryan to open—but he’s hit by anxiety.

What if he’s not clean? What if it’s not something that’s easily treatable? What if—

No, stop, stop, stop. There’s no reason to get anxious before he’s even read the results. Besides, even if he and Ryan have to continue using condoms, Ryan had shown him during the last scene that Scott can still get all the cum he wants. Their last scene had been amazing and if that’s how they’ll spend the rest of their lives—or however long Ryan wants to keep being his dom—that’ll be amazing.

Those thoughts reassure him enough that he can bring the envelopes upstairs. As soon as he shuts his door, he tears one of them open and eagerly scans the results.

To his shock, the results are all negative.

Blinking, he stares at the words on the page again and reads them more thoroughly. But no, he’s not hallucinating. He’s clean. The test results are very clear. By some miracle, despite the years of unsafe sex he’d had with dozens of different people, he’s clean.

“Oh, thank God,” he breathes out.

Then it occurs to him what this means. Ryan’s clean—his test results are just a formality—and since Scott is too, they can actually stop using condoms. He’ll actually get to have Ryan’s cock in his mouth and his ass without that hated layer of latex between them. He’ll actually get to taste Ryan’s cum and have it fill his ass!

Right on cue, his phone starts to ring. Still grinning to himself, he checks his phone, desperately hoping it’s not work calling. But it’s Ryan. And he knows Ryan just got home too and he must have received his results too. Picking up the call, he doesn’t bother with a greeting. “Did you get yours?”

Ryan laughs. “Yep. And you sound really happy, so does that mean what I think it means?”

“Oh, yeah! All negative!”

“Oh, good. So…how tired are you right now?”

He’s exhausted, but just the thought of getting to suck Ryan’s cock makes him wide awake. He was about to take his shoes off, but he pauses. If Ryan is willing to let Scott come over and suck his cock tonight, Scott will drive over there right now. “I’d literally run a marathon right now if I get to have your cock in my mouth at the end of it.”

Ryan laughs. “That’s good. Cause I’m right outside your door—your neighbors are way too polite for their own good—and the second you answered the call and I heard you sounded happy, I got hard.”

“You’re right outside—oh, fuck.” Hanging up the phone, Scott hurries to the door and yanks it open, seeing Ryan standing on the other side, the phone still against his ear and an envelope clutched in his hand. He’s grinning ear to ear, just like Scott.

Grabbing Ryan by the shirt, Scott hauls him inside and slams the door shut, then rips the envelope out of his hand while he shoves his own sealed enveloped at him. “Hurry up and read.”

Laughing, Ryan tears open the envelope while Scott does the same. Although he already knows what they’ll say, he wants to respect Ryan’s wishes fully and he carefully checks that it’s Ryan’s name on the results and they’re all negative. “Okay, I read them. Did you read mine?”

Ryan’s staring at the paper in his hands and he lifts his eyes to stare at Scott, grinning. “Yup.”

They’re practically vibrating as they stand there, smiling ear to ear at each other. Dropping Ryan’s letter to the ground, Scott shoves Ryan up against the door and kisses him, licking into his mouth and wrapping his arms around him.

Ryan groans into his mouth and kisses Scott back hard, grabbing his face and sucking on his tongue. Scott can feel Ryan’s hard and he’s rubbing himself against Scott’s thigh. Just the thought of getting to feel Ryan’s cock in his mouth soon gets Scott hard in seconds and he presses his cock against Ryan’s thigh, shaking head to toe from excitement.

But as the heat between them builds, Scott is reminded that this isn’t going to be a new experience for him, but it’ll be new for Ryan, which means pumping the brakes.

Pulling back and breathing hard, Scott presses his forehead against Ryan’s and shoves Ryan’s hips against the door when Ryan tries to keep kissing him. “Harris, listen. I know what the results say, but we don’t have to do this.”

Leaning back from Ryan, Scott grabs Ryan’s face with shaking hands and looks at him very seriously, trying to shove aside the happy voice in his head that’s dancing around, desperate for Ryan’s cum. “If you feel better using condoms, we can keep using them. The last scene we did was amazing and I don’t mind if we keep doing that. I really don’t. You saw how well the scene went. I’d be happy just doing that for the rest of time.”

Ryan grins. Leaning over, he presses a chaste kiss to Scott’s lips. “Thank you for giving me the option, but I don’t need it. I trust you and now that we know we’re both clean, there’s no reason to keep using condoms. I’m probably gonna combust the second I feel your mouth on my cock, but that’s the price you have to pay.”

Chuckling, Scott kisses Ryan back, then grabs him by the shirt and pulls him further into the apartment as they both kick off their shoes. He’d much rather have sex in Ryan’s wonderful apartment, but he’s making an exception for today because going over to Ryan’s will mean a delay and that’s unacceptable. “Prepare to have your mind blown.”

“As long as you understand that I might be useless at work tomorrow.”

“That’s another sacrifice I’ll happily live with, trust me.”

Leading Ryan to the couch, he quickly undoes Ryan’s belt and shoves his pants and underwear down, then pushes him onto the couch so he can yank them off his legs. Kneeling down, Scott parts Ryan’s legs and stares at his hard cock. Scott can tell he’s been hard for a little while and he’s leaking pre-cum, his cock slick and glistening.

His mouth watering, Scott hears himself making a ridiculous whining sound as he grabs Ryan’s thighs in a tight grip. “Slide closer to me,” he whispers, his voice shaking.

Ryan shifts so he’s sitting on the edge of the couch, his cock bobbing as he moves. Scott can’t take his eyes off it and his heart’s racing. The last time he’d been this excited to have sex with someone had been when he and Ryan had sex for the first time. “You can grab my hair as hard as you want, but let me do the work. Please. I wanna—I need—I’ve been dreaming about this for a long time.”

He looks up and sees Ryan staring down at him with wide eyes, breathing hard. Ryan manages to nod and in a strange reversal of their usual roles, Ryan’s the one who can’t seem to speak.

Licking his lips, Scott slides his hands up Ryan’s thighs, grabs his cock with one hand and slides the head between his lips. He can taste Ryan’s cum beading on the slit and the smooth head slides past his tongue with ease. Taking his time, he lets his tongue explore the ridge of the head, the dip of the slit and then the hard, thick length, tracing every vein and tasting every bit of Ryan’s skin. It’s every bit as amazing as he always dreamed it would be and his eyes slip closed as he lets out a happy moan.

Ryan lets out a breathy “Holy fucking shit” as his shaking hands tangle into Scott’s hair, gripping hard.

Slowly sliding up and down, Scott explores Ryan’s cock, familiarizing himself with the shape and taste of it, noting all the differences from when this gorgeous part of Ryan used to be covered in latex. The feel of Ryan’s hands in his hair isn’t as arousing as it usually is and it’s because Ryan’s not his dom right now. The grip is just a reassuring hold that keeps Scott centered and lets him feel how Ryan’s doing when he can’t see his face.

Exploring Ryan’s cock is amazing. He sucks on the swollen head, feeling more pre-cum oozing out and smearing over his tongue, then he slides down and traces the thick veins on the underside, feeling them throbbing against his tongue. God, Ryan tastes good.

When he’s done enough exploring, it’s time to get serious. Shifting himself closer to Ryan, he grabs his balls in one hand, squeezing them and slides down his cock, swallowing around it and feeling it sliding into his throat. When he’s down at the base, he holds the thick cock in his throat, feeling it cutting off his breathing and filling his throat.

Ryan lets out a sob and the grip on his hair tightens. “Fucking—oh, my God—Jesus fuck—I’m—shit—”

When he needs a breath, Scott pulls back, bobbing up and down on the delicious cock, taking deep breaths and rubbing his tongue over the head and the veins, then he slides down again, swallowing the cock deep into his throat. Closing his eyes, Scott rests there, feeling happy and incredibly turned on.

He makes it last as long as he can but eventually, Ryan starts to tense up and thrust into his mouth a bit. From the sounds he’s making, Scott can tell he’s getting close and he deliberately sucks hard but shallow. He remembers how much Ryan had loved seeing cum on Scott’s face and he know Ryan will love seeing his own cum on Scott’s face even more.

“I’m—Scotty—I’m—”

Squeezing Ryan’s balls and flicking his tongue against the head, Scott braces himself and finally, Ryan’s cock spurts thick cum into his mouth. It tastes so much better than the homemade version they’d played with during their scene, not because it has a drastically different taste but because Scott knows this is Ryan’s cum. Ryan’s giving him his cum, Scott’s earned the right to have it and that makes the whole thing even more amazing. Moaning, Scott slides up and down Ryan’s cock as more cum oozes into his mouth and gets rubbed all over the warm, thick length. Relaxing his lips, Scott lets some of the cum drips out of his mouth, knowing Ryan’s never seen somebody’s face covered in his own cum before and he’ll probably like it.

When Ryan lets out a whine from being oversensitive, Scott releases him and sits back, staring up at him as Ryan’s grip in his hair loosens and his hands drop to the couch. Ryan’s breathing hard and looks completely wrecked. His eyes are wide and dark with arousal, his entire body shaking and his chest heaving.

Scott grins at him and deliberately licks some of the sticky cum off his lips and slowly brings his tongue into his mouth.

Groaning, Ryan stares at him, his mouth gaping open.

“At a loss for words, Harris, huh? I’d ask if that was the best blow job you’ve ever had, but I already know the answer.”

Ryan manages a weak chuckle and gently kicks Scott in the side with his foot. “Come up here and kiss me,” he mumbles. “But don’t you dare come. When I can move again, I wanna suck your cock. And then I want you to come in my mouth.”

Excitement flares up in Scott’s belly and he freezes. He can’t remember a dom ever having let him come in their mouth. It was a rare enough occurrence for them to blow him in the first place, never mind let him come in their mouth.

Scrambling up onto Ryan’s lap, Scott tilts Ryan’s chin up and kisses him, sliding his cum covered tongue into his mouth. Ryan moans and sucks on his tongue and explores Scott’s mouth. Pulling back, Ryan stares at him in awe. “Fuck, I’ve never kissed somebody with a mouth full of my own cum.”

Grinning, Scott licks his lips. “Pretty hot, huh?”

“I’m definitely understanding why you have such a high appreciation for cum.”

“I think I’m gonna turn you into cum slut too.”

Chuckling weakly, Ryan grabs his chin and licks some cum off his cheek. “I’m not gonna be sad about that. But I’m definitely blaming you for it.”

Laughing, Scott tilts his head, letting Ryan lick more cum off his face. His own cock is throbbing and desperate for attention, but he stays patient until Ryan’s stopped shaking and seems to have peeled his brains off the ceiling.

Pulling back from kissing him, Ryan grins at him. “Ready to get your cock sucked, Jenkins?”

“You gonna ask stupid questions all day or you gonna put your mouth to better use?”

Laughing, Ryan twists sideways and dumps Scott onto the couch. Undoing Scott’s pants, Ryan pulls off his pants and underwear, then shifts himself onto the carpet and runs his hands up Scott’s parted legs.

Scott can barely breathe from the anticipation and his legs are shaking. “I’m probably not gonna last long.”

Ryan’s looking down at his cock and for some reason, he looks a bit worried. “I can’t take you deep like you can.”

Scoffing, Scott gently kicks him in the side. “You think I care about that? I don’t care what you can or can’t do. Just the fact that you wanna suck my cock is more than enough for me. Believe me, I can count the number of times people have sucked my cock on one hand, and you make up nearly all of them.”

Ryan gets a sad frown on his face, so Scott distracts him by reaching down and slowly jerking his cock, moaning at how good it feels to finally touch himself.

“Hey, stop ruining my fun,” Ryan complains.

Grinning, Scott rubs his thumb over his slit. “What are you gonna do about it, huh?”

With his earlier apprehension gone, Ryan pulls Scott’s hands off his cock and stuffs both of his hands behind his back. Scott understands the message, but he’s never grabbed Ryan’s hair when he’s blowing him and he’s not going to start now. Ryan has a gag reflex—unlike Scott—and making him uncomfortable is the last thing Scott wants.

Then Ryan’s bending over him and sucking his cock into his mouth and Scott forgets about everything else. The warm, wet heat of Ryan’s mouth feels amazing as he sucks on the head and slowly slides further down, enveloping his cock in tight heat.

“Oh, fuck,” Scott breathes out. His hips are thrusting a little into Ryan’s mouth, but Ryan keeps his sucking shallow enough that it doesn’t bother him.

Scott stares up at the ceiling, his mouth hanging open as he focuses on how amazing Ryan’s mouth feels on his naked cock, but when he looks down and sees Ryan staring up at him, his eyes half-lidded, shiny spit dripping down his chin and his lips wrapped around his cock, Scott has to stop himself from coming right then and there.

He’s definitely not going to last long and when Ryan’s tongue rubs the thick veins on his cock and dips into the slit, his breath catches on a sob and he digs his hands into the couch cushions below him. “I’m—Ryan—I’m gonna—fuck—”

Ryan sucks harder, bobbing up and down his throbbing cock, and seeing his dom look so happy with his lips wrapped around Scott’s cock sends him over the edge.

Ryan moans as Scott comes, shooting cum into his mouth and the sound makes his cock twitch and spurt out more cum. He just keeps coming and coming into the warmth of Ryan’s mouth and it feels amazing.

Shaking so hard that he’s nearly sliding off the couch, he finally collapses in a slump, completely drained.

Ryan lets his cock slip out of his mouth and climbs onto his lap, grinning at him and licking his cum covered lips. His chin is covered in spit and cum and Scott laughs weakly as Ryan reaches him. Leaning up, Scott licks his own cum off Ryan’s face and Ryan groans and catches Scott’s lips in a hard kiss, both of their mouths filled with each other’s cum.

They lick and suck at the sticky cum coating their mouths, enjoying the incredible feeling of tasting each other’s cum at the same time.

Pulling back with a moan, Ryan stares down at him. “I’m definitely a cum slut now.”

Scott laughs. “Welcome to the club. It’s a very nice place to be.”

Laughing, Ryan bends down and licks more of his cum off Scott’s cheek.

* * *

Their week doesn’t let up. The next day, Scott’s working on reports at his desk while Ryan’s finishing up with the CSI crew. Scott’s cell phone rings and when he glances at the call display and sees Ryan’s mom’s name, he manages to grin despite his exhaustion. He already knows why she’s calling. “Hi, Claire.”

“Hi, Scott. How are you holding up, honey?”

Sighing, Scott leans back against his desk chair and struggles to suppress a yawn. “We had another early call this morning. We gotta finish processing everything before we can go home and get more sleep.”

She makes an unhappy sound. “Yeah, Ryan told me. Listen, I made you both some batches of food. Why don’t you text me before you’re on your way home and I’ll drive over to drop yours off for you.”

Smiling, Scott’s so grateful for every Harris in his life. “You don’t have to do that.”

“I know I don’t. If you don’t want the food, all you have to do is say so.” He can hear the amusement in her voice because she knows he’ll never turn down her home cooked food. For the last four years, whenever he and Ryan have really busy weeks, Claire makes them both food, portions it up in small containers and brings it to their apartments so they have access to quick meals that are more than frozen pizza.

“You know I’ll never turn down your food,” Scott says.

She laughs. “I know. Mostly, I do this for the confidence boost. So you’ll text me before you head home? I’m going to drop Ryan’s food off after I do yours.”

“Yeah, I will. Thank you!”

“You don’t have to thank me, honey. You’re part of the family. I’m gonna let you get back to work now. Try to keep your eyes open and remember that the insanity is going to end soon.”

* * *

Their weekend passes by in a blur and they don’t even bother discussing the obvious fact that they won’t be doing a scene on Saturday. Scott life narrows down to very simple objectives: sleeping whenever he can, rationing out Claire’s delicious food and not fucking up any cases.

Things get very a little exciting in the middle of the week when he and Ryan go to execute an arrest warrant on a case that’s taken them over a year to solve. The asshole makes a run for the backdoor as soon as he figures out why Scott and Ryan are there and the jerk even runs over his six year old daughter in the process. Having dealt with this a million times before, Scott and Ryan jump into action, Ryan calling for the uniforms to come stay with the girl as he and Scott chase after the jerk.

The asshole manages to get out of his backyard and down the alleyway behind his home before Scott catches him in a beautiful tackle. He goes down with the asshole, rolls them together and ends up exactly where he wanted: the jerk face-down on the pavement with Scott kneeling on his back and grabbing for his hands. Ryan shows up next to him and they wrestle the cussing, angry asshole into handcuffs while Scott informs him of his rights. The jerk refuses to get up and walk to the cruiser that’ll take him for processing, so Scott gets on the radio and ask the uniforms to drive the cruiser into the alleyway. That annoys the asshole, which leads to him having an even bigger tantrum and that results in Ryan taking out some zip ties and they hog tie the jerk while they’re waiting. Once the cop car shows up, they lift the guy into the backseat and head back into the house to make sure the remaining cops on the scene will stay with the asshole’s daughter until social services shows up.

The rest of the afternoon is spent at lockup processing the asshole and then at the station where they have to do a million reports, along with the other stuff they left hanging earlier in the day. But hilariously, seeing Scott tackle the asshole to the ground really got Ryan going—despite him having seen Scott doing that a dozen times before—and Scott happily goes over to Ryan’s apartment after work. They’re too tired to do more than make out a bit and jerk each other off but it’s a good way to end the day. Ryan ends up falling asleep in bed while Scott’s heating up dinner for them, but he wakes up enough for Scott to feed him before they’re both falling asleep, ready to deal with another crazy day tomorrow.

By the middle of the second week, things have finally slowed down and they’ve had a chance to catch up on their sleep, but when they’re driving back to the station from canvassing a neighborhood for witnesses to their newest case, Ryan glances at Scott and makes a face. “Even if things stay quiet for a while, I’m not feeling up to doing a scene this weekend. I know you really, really want me to fuck you without a condom but—”

Scott smiles. “You think I’ve been asleep this past week and a half? It never even crossed my mind that we’d do a scene this weekend. Don’t worry about it. We can talk about it next week. I have the memory of your cock and your cum in my mouth and that’ll be enough until next week. Or whenever you’re feeling up to doing a scene.”

“Well…” Ryan looks thoughtful as he slows for a red light.

“Well what?”

“I did have an idea. Kind of like a mini scene. I’d just need to supervise you, not be fully involved.”

Smiling, Scott is intrigued. “Mini scene? What does that mean?”

“I know you like the chains.”

Scott laughs. “Yeah, we’ve established that.”

“Well, I’ve been trying to figure out how we can get you safely wrapped up in the chains, but I don’t feel comfortable doing a full scene with sex if you’re covered in them. You remember you told me how you’d wrap yourself up in a blanket with a belt back in those bad days?”

The smile slides off Scott’s face, but he thinks about the positives. Ryan’s mentioning those past experiences because he wants to make them better, so that’s what’s important. “Yeah,” he says, his voice quiet.

Ryan glances at him, looking worried. “Shit, sorry.”

“No, it’s fine. So, chains. What were you thinking about?”

“You mentioned that you liked tying yourself up just so you could feel good, and now’s your chance to do it in a safe way…well, if you still wanted to do that. So…do you think you’d like being wrapped up in the chains and just…floating? No sex, no moving around. Just you, floating in subspace?”

Scott’s breath catches in his throat and desperate want lights up in his belly. “Do I _want_ that?! Hell yes! How wrapped up are we talking?”

Ryan throws him a grin. “As much as you want. I want you to be comfortable, so I’ve spent some time thinking about how we could do it so you’re not wrapped in thick layers of chains but you’d still be covered in them and fully restrained. Head to toe. Well, not literally your head.”

Scott’s so glad Ryan’s driving because all he can think about is how good it’ll feel to have the chains wrapped all over him, holding him tight. Speaking of which…

“So…when you say covered in them, can we put them on my neck too?”

Ryan laughs. “Yep, if you’re comfortable with that. As long as you’re not moving around and I’m keeping an eye on you, I’m positive I can keep you safe. I think I’ve figured out how I can chain you down in a way that I can easily undo if you start freaking out. But either way, your breathing won’t be in danger as long as I’m paying attention. You’ll feel the chains, but they won’t be cutting off your breathing.”

“So this wouldn’t be breath play?”

“No! No, I’m not ready for that. It’ll just be a nice little floating session for you.”

It all sounds great, but Scott feels a bit guilty. “I know I’m gonna love that, but what do you get out of it? I might not even get that turned on and if you don’t want it to turn into a sex thing, then…”

Ryan grins. “Oh, don’t worry about me. Seeing you happy and floating is one of my favourite things in the world. I love being able to get you into that space and keep you safe while you’re there. I love it. Trust me, it’ll be amazing for me too.”

That brings Scott’s grin back. He’s going to start floating so fast if he’s covered head to toe in his wonderful chains. But as he keeps thinking about it, something occurs to him that might derail the whole thing and that makes his grin fade. “I think we might have a problem though.”

Ryan frowns. “What problem?”

Scott makes a face. He really wants to do this but there’s a chance that it’ll go sideways and not telling Ryan about that ahead of time wouldn’t be fair and might end up hurting both of them. Scott learned that lesson during the blindfold disaster. “I think there’s a good bet that I’ll end up in subspace.”

“That’s fine. I’d take care of you, you know that.”

“No, I’m not worried about that. But normally, I come out of subspace after I have an orgasm, right? If we’re not doing anything sex related, I don’t know if I can get myself out of subspace.” That’s happened before and the end results hadn’t been fun.

Ryan’s frown deepens, but he doesn’t look upset, he just looks thoughtful as he drives down the quiet residential street they’re on. “Has anybody ever gotten you out of subspace without sex?”

Scott snorts. “Yeah. If I wasn’t turned on enough to come during a scene and the assholes wanted me to snap out of it and get out, they’d just slap me really hard.”

Instantly, Ryan’s face twists. “That’s not happening.”

“No, I know that. But the assholes used to get mad that I wouldn’t respond when they were talking to me. It’s fine if you don’t wanna do anything sexual, but I think it’s better if we don’t do anything where I’ll go under.”

Ryan gives him a worried frown. “If you aren’t sure about this, then we don’t have to do it. It’s supposed to be fun, not stressful.”

Scott sighs. “That’s the problem. I do wanna do it...but I have no idea how I’ll react. Maybe I’ll come out of subspace on my own or maybe I’ll respond to your words. But if I don’t, then we’re both gonna be stuck there and I don’t want you having to deal with that on your own.”

“Would you want me to try getting you off if I can’t get you out of subspace any other way?”

Scott makes a face. “You said you didn’t wanna have sex. I wanna respect that.”

“I don’t have to fuck you. I can just use my mouth or my hand on you and hopefully, that’ll help get you back down in a nice way.”

That excitement from earlier slowly comes back to light up his heart again. This is actually going to happen! Just thinking about Ryan using sex to get him out of subspace after he’s been floating with his wonderful chains wrapped around him is amazing and he’s desperate to try it. “I’d really love that.”

Ryan shoots him a grin, looking excited too. “Yeah? Me too.”

Yay! His smile is ridiculous, but Scott can’t help it. “Okay! So we’re doing prep on Friday?”

“Yeah, I think so. Just a short session. I wanna put all the chains on you and we’ll see how everything fits and feels and then we’ll be ready for the weekend.”

Scott can’t wait!


	20. Chapter 20

Their prep goes fantastic, so Saturday finds Scott lying on the bed in the playroom. Despite this not being a sex scene, he’s not wearing any clothes. They’d tried having him wear a thin layer of clothes during the prep, but Scott hadn’t liked how he couldn’t feel the details of the chains through the clothes. When they’d tried it without clothes on, Scott had liked it much better.

The overhead light is still turned on and Ryan’s kneeling on the bed next to him, carefully laying out the dozens of chains they’ll use. Scott’s already wearing two chains. One’s wrapped around his chest and stomach. Both ends of the chain have metal carabiners on them, which Ryan had used to clip onto the rest of the chain to keep it in place. The other chain is wrapped around his neck. Like with the chest and stomach chain, the ends of the chain are clipped to the chain itself.

Both chains are snug and Scott can definitely feel them, but they’re loose enough that there’s no pain and he can breathe easily. Swallowing feels weird against the pressure of the chain around his neck, but he likes the way the chain slightly tightens every time he swallows.

While he stares up at the ceiling, the cold, heavy metal of the chains hug him and he’ll probably start floating if he allows himself to lose focus for even a moment.

“Lift up your arm, Scotty.”

At the sound of Ryan’s words, he lifts his right arm, he watches Ryan clip a chain to his wrist cuff and carefully wrap the chain around his arm, all the way up to his armpit, then he clips the chain to itself.

When Ryan’s done, he frowns down at Scott. “Don’t start floating now. You promised, remember? Look at me and think about what chains have to go where and tell me if there’s any pain or pinching.”

“Okay,” Scott mumbles.

He dutifully pays attention to Ryan and watches him wrap a chain around his other arm, then each of his legs, clipping the chains to the ankle cuffs.

“Okay, we’ve got you wrapped up. Time to get your strapped down. You ready?”

It already feels amazing, but Scott can’t wait for the next part. Right now, he could still manage to stand up and walk around, if he really wanted to. Ryan had refused to wrap chains around his hips because he didn’t want chains close to his genitals—since they have no idea how aroused Scott will get during this—so he’d have a hard time walking because of the extra weight from the chains, but he could still do it.

But once Ryan straps him down, he won’t be able to move more than an inch in any direction.

Ryan appears above him and frowns down at him. “Jenkins. You’re listening and concentrating, remember?”

Struggling to move his lips, Scott nods. “Uh huh.”

“I asked if you’re ready for me to strap you down.”

“Oh. Uh huh. Yeah.” Talking is getting harder, but Scott blinks hard, stares at the bright light above him and watches Ryan as he sorts through the bag of carabiner clips.

Taking a handful of carabiners, Ryan leans over Scott’s legs and clips the chains on his legs to each other. It pulls Scott’s legs close together and the pressure of the chains presses in on the outer parts of his legs. It feels exactly like hands pressing against his legs.

Excellent.

Ryan clips his legs together from his inner thighs all the way down to his ankle cuffs. Then he comes up to Scott’s arms and clips his arm chains to his chest and stomach chains. Again, the chains tighten from the extra pressure and they pull on his arms and push down on his chest and stomach.

“You feeling that, huh?” Ryan asks him, smiling at him.

Scott grins. “Oh, yeah.”

“Tight enough?”

As he assesses the pressure, Scott determines there’s a bit of looseness by his right elbow, which needs to be fixed. “Can you do the right elbow area tighter?”

Ryan changes the position of the carabiner, and just like that, his right elbow is being pulled closer to his body and the chain around it tightens. “Oh, that’s good. That’s nice.”

“Alright, time to make you part of the bed,” Ryan says with a small chuckle.

At this point, Scott could still roll himself off the bed if he had to and maybe slide his way across the carpet on his butt. He wouldn’t be able to get any of the carabiners unclipped so he’s really stuck in the chains, but he’s not chained to the bed.

Yet. But that’s about to change.

Laying down more lengths of chain on the bed, Ryan examines the tags on them and clips one end to the chain at the top of Scott’s right arm and clips the other end to a D-ring welded along the edge of the bed frame.

Paying close attention to Ryan keeps Scott from floating, and he finds himself thinking about how marvelous this bed is. “Have I mentioned I love how you designed and made this bed?”

Ryan chuckles as he attaches another chain a few links below the first one and clips it to another D-ring on the bed frame. “I’m glad you’re appreciating its many functions.”

Knowing how proud Ryan is of this bed, Scott grins. “I love that you spent so much time planning out all of these details.”

“And I love that we get to make use of all the details. This is the first time I’m gonna be using more than half a dozen D-rings on the bed at one time and that’s pretty cool.”

Chuckling, Scott relaxes as Ryan keeps attaching chains all the way down his right side, clipping one last chain to his ankle cuffs and attached it to the bed. Scott feels off-balance, the pressure on his right side wanting to make him slide over to that side, but he knows it’ll even out in a few minutes.

Moving to his other side, Ryan carefully attaches chains along his left side one by one. The chains on his right side are pulling against the ones on the left, and due to the chains all being connected to each other, the pulling of the side chains tightens the ones wrapped around his arms, legs and chest.

He can definitely feel every single chain now as it presses into his skin and holds him tight.

“Scotty? Focus. You can float in a second, but you gotta tell me if you want something changed. I asked if they’re tight enough.”

Taking a deep breath and blinking hard, Scott pays attention to what the chains are telling him. “A little tighter around my thighs, please. And my ankles.”

“You want me to connect you to the bedposts too?”

“Oh, yes, please!”

Ryan makes the adjustment and Scott can feel the resulting pressure change right away.

Now, there’s just two chains left and they’re the best part.

Starting on his right side, Ryan clips a chain to the one wrapped around Scott’s neck and clips it to the bed. Then he walks around to the other side, clips the other chain to Scott’s neck chain and slowly pulls it tight.

Scott lies perfectly still, feeling the chain around his neck slowly tightening. It feels exactly like a gentle hand, closing over his throat, but the hand is cool and heavy. A reassuring weight.

“Is that good?”

“Tighter. Please. Just a little.”

The chain presses a little more into his throat and Scott can feel his pulse thudding against the cold metal and there’s a little bit of discomfort from the chain pressing down on his trachea. It’s amazing. Jesus, he wants more. He wants the chain to tighten even more and cut off his breathing just for a few seconds. Like a cock does when he takes it into his throat. Just for a few seconds. He just wants the wonderful chain to take his breathing for a few seconds. He trusts the chain and he knows he’ll get his breathing back.

It’s not the lack of breathing that’s the best part, it’s the ability to give it up knowing that he’ll get it back. Trusting that the chains will loosen and let him breathe again. Testing that trust and getting the same joyful result every time. Getting that fresh air rushing into his lungs after his breathing had been cut off is also nice, a wonderful reminder that he’d been right to trust whatever had taken his breathing. It’s why he loves taking cocks deep into his throat and he’s sure the chains will be even better.

Unfortunately, Ryan’s not on board with his plan. “No, Scotty. That’s tight enough. Just relax, it’s time to float now.”

Opening his eyes—he hadn’t realized he’d closed them—Scott whines and stares up at Ryan, who’s looking down at him. “Just a little bit tighter? Please?”

Ryan slips a finger underneath the chain around Scott’s neck and Scott can feel that it’s a tight fit. Bending over him, Ryan kisses his forehead, but he looks firm. “No, that’s enough. It’s exactly as tight as I wanna make it and I’m in charge, right?”

That’s true. Shooting him a resigned smile, Scott closes his eyes. “That’s true. Okay.”

“Okay,” Ryan says. There’s another kiss on his forehead and a hand runs through his hair before the bed shifts as Ryan climbs off the bed. A few seconds later, the overhead light turns off and the room is bathed in the familiar dim lighting from the corner lamps. Scott can’t hear him walking across the carpet in his bare feet, but the bed dips when Ryan returns. Opening his eyes, Scott watches him crawl towards him.

Scott isn’t at the very head of the bed, so Ryan has just enough room to shove a pillow up against the headboard and carefully climb over the chains holding onto Scott until he’s sitting right behind Scott’s head, his legs stretched out on either side of Scott’s body, just as they’d agreed before starting the scene. Some of the chains get jostled as Ryan slides his legs under them, then everything calms again.

Scott can just see Ryan if he rolls his eyes up and he can see Ryan’s legs when he glances to the right or left, so that’s perfect. “Are you comfortable like that?”

Ryan leans over him and grins. “Yep.” Then he looks serious. “You remember what you promised about your neck?”

Scott nods. “Yeah. No twisting or pulling on the neck chains. I’ll be good, I promise.”

Ryan had been very firm about Scott not doing anything to put himself in danger. The pressure of the chains isn’t enough to cut off his breathing, but there are other dangers if he twists around too much. He could cut off circulation to either of his carotid arteries that run up the sides of his neck, which could make him pass out within seconds, or he could fracture his larynx or trachea and that could lead to him choking to death. As homicide detectives, they’ve seen too many victims who had died from throat related traumas.

Smiling, Ryan bends down and kisses his forehead. “That’s my good boy.”

A warm glow lights up in Scott’s chest at the words. “What are you gonna do while I float?”

Holding up his phone, Ryan wiggles it in his hand. “I’m gonna play games on my phone. But don’t worry, I’ll be keeping one eye on the phone and the other on you. Just enjoy yourself and I’ll help you if you decide you don’t like it. You can float and I’ll be here the whole time, watching over you, I promise.”

Now that he’s got Ryan close by and within eyesight, Scott’s ready to leave reality behind for a little while. Closing his eyes, he forgets about everything else around him and concentrates on the chains holding him.

The chain around his neck is the most noticeable. It’s tight and Scott can feel it pressing down and being pulled from the left and right, keeping him in place.

The other chains are tight enough that even if he’s not pulling on them, there’s pressure as they pull on his left and right side. The chains are slowly warming from his body heat and they feel like loving hands, grabbing his arms, legs, chest, stomach and holding him. They won’t let him move, they’ll hold him and keep him safe.

Even if he tries moving his legs or arms and running away from them, they won’t let him go. They hold him tight, the thick, heavy metal holding him down and reminding him that he’s safe, they’ll protect him and he’s not alone anymore.

He focuses on every single chain on every part of his body, feeling the tight grip as the chain holds onto him and the pressure from being connected to the bed. This wonderful bed where he feels safe and loved. Yes, he gets to have amazing orgasms on this bed too, but that’s the furthest thing from his mind right now.

There’s a slight tingle of arousal running through him, but he ignores it and concentrates on how safe he feels. He’s barely breathing, floating far, far away, surrounded by love. He’s in a warm, never ending darkness where nothing’s gonna hurt him.

There’s a small noise from somewhere above him and that’s when he remembers Ryan. He’s forgetting about the most essential part of all this—Ryan’s the one who put these chains on him. The chains protect him, but they can’t do anything until somebody puts them on him. And Ryan’s the one who did that.

He remembers the many years he spent alone, feeling unloved and abandoned by the entire world. His poor attempts to restrain himself had never given him the feeling he craved. Finally, after all these years, he’s feeling the joy he’d always known the full bondage would give him.

His lips are trying to smile, but the attempt takes way too much energy so he lets his lips relax. He just lies there, floating in the warm, loving grip of the chains. Sometimes he’ll slightly tug on one of the chains, feeling it tighten, or he’ll turn his head slightly to feel the pull of the chains around his neck. It always sends a thrill through him and then he relaxes and lets himself float until he pulls on the chains again.

Breathing is a very complicated process, so his body is only doing it when he has to, but that’s okay. He’s floating in this warm darkness and the loving chains are holding him and everything is perfect.

* * *

Time loses all meaning. He doesn’t care how much time is passing. Being here feels amazing and he wants to stay here for the rest of his life.

Slowly, he starts to register that there’s a new sound in his warm, comfortable darkness.

He’d been listening to himself breathing for a while, but this sound isn’t him breathing. It sounds different.

But it’s coming from very, very far away so Scott ignores it. It’s easy to ignore it because listening takes too much energy and it’s easier to stop doing it.

* * *

The sound isn’t going away. In fact, it’s getting louder. If Scott concentrates on it—which takes way too much energy so he doesn’t bother doing it for long before stopping—it sounds familiar. He can’t tell what the voice is saying, but it definitely sounds familiar.

But paying attention to the voice is way too much work and it’s much easier to just ignore the voice and keep floating.

* * *

“Scotty? It’s time to come down now. I don’t think you can hear me, but I’m gonna keep talking for a while until I start undoing the chains, okay?”

Ryan’s kneeling above Scott’s head, stroking his cheeks with his fingers. Scott’s eyes are half-lidded, staring blankly up at the ceiling and his lips are parted. He’s barely breathing and he’s so relaxed that Ryan thought he was sleeping for a while, except sometimes Scott will weakly tug on one of the chains.

When Scott had first pulled on them, Ryan had been on high alert until he’d realized that Scott was just tightening the grip of the chains. He’d noticed Scott liked doing that during scenes too, and that tugging looked nothing like the frantic pulling he’d been doing during the blindfold disaster, so Ryan had calmed down.

He’s let Scott float for an hour now, but he doesn’t want him getting too stiff. Scott has also been breathing through his mouth the entire time and his lips are chapped, so he’s probably very thirsty.

Ryan can’t believe how far under Scott is. He’s never seen somebody get this deep into subspace and stay there so effortlessly.

At first, it had actually scared Ryan. He’d always known that Scott’s dependent on him during scenes, but this is something completely different. If Ryan doesn’t undo the chains and coax Scott down from where he’s floating, he thinks Scott would probably stay in subspace for days. Unlike a drug addict who takes a hit of something, Scott’s high doesn’t seem to come with a natural end when he’s like this.

During scenes where they’re having sex, an orgasm seems to shift Scott’s brain chemistry enough to start letting him drop naturally. But when he’s in this deep and there’s nothing changing around him, Scott could actually die if Ryan didn’t watch over him and pull him down when Ryan decides it’s time. Scott doesn’t appear to even hear him so Ryan doubts he’d register feeling hungry or thirsty. Or if he did, he might ignore those feelings and keep floating. When Scott had told him that those assholes had slapped him to get him out subspace, Ryan had thought they’d just done it because they were cruel and impatient. Now, he understands they’d done it because they were cruel and impatient, but also because they had no idea how to get Scott down from where he’s floating.

The depth of Scott’s subspace is both incredible as well as frightening and it reaffirms Ryan’s desire to stay Scott’s dom as long as possible. He’ll do whatever it takes to be allowed to continue taking care of Scott because he doesn’t trust anybody else to do it. It’s also a powerful and frightening thought to know that Scott’s life is literally in his hands.

It’s such a rush to have Scott put so much trust into his hands. Scott is as vulnerable right now as a human being can possibly get and he went into the situation willingly because he trusts Ryan to take care of him. The whole thing makes Ryan feel overwhelmed with how much he loves Scott, not just as a sub, but as a person.

Gently rubbing his thumbs over Scott’s cheeks, Ryan smiles down at him, although he doubts Scott can see him. “Scotty, I’m gonna start taking the chains off, okay? One by one. I’ll go real slow.”

Except for Scott’s slow, deep breathing, there’s no response.

Moving slowly, Ryan unclips the chains connected to Scott’s neck chain. He doesn’t want to lift Scott’s head and scare him, so he decides to just undo the chains that are keeping Scott strapped to the bed and then see how Scott’s doing.

Even when Ryan shifts around on the bed, undoing each of the chains connected to the bed frame and the bed posts, Scott doesn’t react. Ryan unclips the carabiners keeping Scott’s legs together and connecting his arms to his chest and stomach. The whole time, he calmly explains to Scott what he’s doing, but there’s no indication that Scott can hear him.

Before long, the only thing left is to unwrap the chains and Ryan pauses, wondering what to do.

Should he keep talking to Scott and try to get him out of subspace enough so he’ll know the chains are going to come off? Or should he gently start removing the chains and hope that Scott will notice the difference gradually? The last thing he wants to do is to upset Scott and have him go into a hard subdrop. That would be a cruel ending to this wonderful journey Scott’s on and Ryan doesn’t want that, but Scott needs to start coming out of subspace.

Pressing his lips together, Ryan thinks about what to do as he stares at Scott. He needs to give Scott some kind of stimulation that’s more noticeable than just talking to him. Something that will register in the deep fog Scott’s floating in. Maybe smelling something strong? He’d made muffins yesterday and still has some, but there’s no way he’s leaving Scott to go get them. Even though he’d only be gone for a second and Scott probably wouldn’t notice, he’d promised Scott he wouldn’t leave until he’s back on planet Earth and Ryan’s not breaking that promise.

Ryan keeps going through more options, but he keeps coming back to the same conclusion: the easiest and kindest way to get Scott out of subspace would be if he had an orgasm. Well, it seems Scott had been right. Smiling, Ryan gently rubs his thumb over Scott’s cheek. “You were right. You should have made me bet on it cause I didn’t believe you and you could have made twenty bucks off me.”

Sighing, Ryan chuckles softly as he runs his fingers through Scott’s hair. Damn, Ryan’s glad that they’d discussed this beforehand. He had no idea how far under Scott would go and he’s really happy that Scott had been brave enough to share his concerns and his previous experiences so they could plan for this. Sucking Scott off when they hadn’t discussed turning the situation sexual beforehand wouldn’t sit right with him at all and he’d be left without any good options and Scott’s in no position to help him brainstorm more ideas right now.

Ryan has no idea what he’ll do if he sucks Scott off and he stays under, but they’ll cross that bridge when they come to it. Leaning down, Ryan gently kisses Scott’s forehead. “I’m gonna suck you off, Scotty. A nice, slow blow job and that’ll hopefully make you come down really nicely.”

Glancing at Scott’s chapped lips again, Ryan wastes no time and slides down the bed. Gently wrapping his hand around Scott’s half-hard cock, he wraps his lips around the head and starts gently sucking on it.

* * *

That faint voice keeps whispering things to him, but it’s coming from so far away that Scott has no chance of understanding what it’s saying. It doesn’t matter anyway. Scott’s floating and he’s very happy and he doesn’t need the voice interrupting things.

There’s a strange, light pressure on his stomach. It doesn’t feel like the chains, but it’s barely noticeable and also easy to ignore. Scott just wants to keep concentrating on the wonderful chains and floating in his warm darkness.

Slowly, something changes. That low, simmering arousal he’d felt for a long while starts to grow. There’s warm, moist heat wrapped around his cock, and it feels so good.

His arousal slowly burns brighter and spreads through him, gentle waves flowing through him.

A strange sound echoes through his head. It’s much louder than his breathing and he realizes he’d made the sound. It was involuntary and Scott hears himself making more of those sounds as the bright glow of arousal spikes.

His body has been limp for so long and his limbs have been way too heavy to move for a while, but now they’re tensing. That slow, comfortable heaviness in his body is being replaced by sparking heat that starts in his belly and zings through his body. Most of the sparks are coming from his cock, which is aching with the need to come.

His arms are moving without him being aware of it, sliding across the soft sheets below him, the chains shifting over his skin as they move. The chains must have released some of their grip on him, but that’s okay. They’re not abandoning him, they know this new heat spreading through him requires more movement than they’d previously allowed and they’d loosened.

He’s making even more sounds and there’s something moving against his cock. It’s not just the warm heat it’s wrapped in, but there’s something rubbing against the underside. It must be somebody’s tongue. Somebody must be sucking on his cock.

His lips form into a smile and it’s much easier to keep smiling than it was before. He’s had such a lovely time floating and now somebody’s sending him on a new trip, filling him with heat and bright joy that sparks through his body.

He wants to see who’s being so wonderful to him. That requires opening his eyes fully, which isn’t as hard as he thought it would be. Looking down, he recognizes Ryan, whose lips are wrapped around Scott’s cock and his eyes are looking back at him. He’s so glad it’s Ryan.

Well, of course it’s Ryan! Scott wants to kick himself. Who else would it be? Jesus, Jenkins. Ryan’s his dom and Ryan takes care of him. Ryan must have decided Scott’s floated enough in that warm, deep place and now he’s pulling him into a different place. This place feels more familiar than the deep floating place had. They’re equally nice to be in, but for different reasons.

Ryan sucks harder on his cock and the jolt of arousal that races through Scott make him forget about everything except Ryan’s amazing mouth on his cock.

His orgasm creeps up on him so slowly that he’s barely aware of it. He just realizes he’s about to come when he’s already coming, shooting cum into Ryan’s mouth. And isn’t that the most fantastic thing? That Ryan’s willing to suck his cock and let him come in his mouth? Oh, Ryan’s just amazing. No wonder Scott loves him so much.

His cock slips out of Ryan’s mouth and he looks down and smiles at him. Ryan’s sliding up Scott’s body, rubbing his hands over the chains on his stomach and chest.

“Hey, Scotty. You feeling good?”

Scott nods happily. He can’t stop smiling. He’s relaxed and happy because he’s with Ryan.

Ryan grins and leans over to kiss him on the forehead. “That’s good. I’m gonna get the chains off you now, okay? One at a time. You just relax and everything will be fine.”

Nodding, Scott lets himself go limp and closes his eyes, knowing he doesn’t have to do anything right now. His arms and legs are lifted one by one while the chains are unwrapped from them. He’s sad to feel them go, but not too sad. He could ask Ryan to put them back on and if Ryan thinks it’s a good idea, then Ryan will put them on and let him float in that deep, warm place again.

“I’m gonna sit you up a bit so I can get the chains off the rest of you, okay?”

Ryan lifts him up and his limbs seem to be made out of lead. He’s glad he doesn’t have to do anything because he doubts he’d be much help anyway. The chains are unwrapped from his chest and stomach. Finally, the chain around his neck is loosened and pulled away too.

That brings a hint of sadness. Oh, he’d really liked feeling the chain around his neck.

He must make a face or an unhappy sound without realizing it, because Ryan’s hands freeze on him. “What’s wrong? You want the chain around your neck to stay for a bit?”

Scott can’t see Ryan right now—oh, it’s because Ryan’s behind him, right—but he nods anyway. He knows Ryan might say no and then that’ll be the end of that, but maybe…

“Okay, just until you finish coming down.”

The chain is wrapped once around his neck and Scott hears the familiar click as Ryan attaches a carabiner to close the loop. It’s not tight at all, but Scott can feel the reassuring weight of it on his neck. The chain is long so the rest of it dangles down his chest, but Scott knows not to touch it. He’s not allowed to touch chains with his hands or feet. That’s Ryan’s job.

Together with his cuffs on his wrists and ankles, the neck chain is a reminder that he’s still safe and still loved, even though the scene is now finished.

Ryan kisses his head and then Scott’s pulled down against Ryan’s chest. Snuggling against Ryan’s fuzzy shirt with the chain pressed between them, Scott slides his hands underneath so he can touch Ryan’s skin.

“You want me to take my shirt off?”

Smiling, Scott nods. He reaches down and tugs on Ryan’s pants too. He wants to feel Ryan’s skin everywhere, like he usually does when they’re cuddling after a scene ends.

Chuckling softly, Ryan pulls off his shirt, his pants and his underwear and when he lies back down, Scott drops down on him, happily rubbing his face against Ryan’s warm chest and tangling their legs together while Ryan wraps his arms around him.

“You’re my happy boy, aren’t you?”

Those words make Scott’s heart glow and he nods against Ryan’s chest.

One of Ryan’s hands checks the neck chain, then drapes the rest of the chain over Scott’s back. “There we go. We’ll get that outta the way. You want the blanket? You getting cold?”

Actually yes, he’s getting a little cold. He nods and Ryan shifts away enough to pull the familiar blanket off the rack beside the bed. Then the warm blanket is covering him and Scott sighs happily, pressing his face into Ryan’s chest and feeling his arms tighten around him with the blanket on top.

“You need anything else? You need your plugs?”

No, Scott doesn’t need those right now. He shakes his head.

“You want water?”

Yes, but it’s not urgent. He just wants to sleep. His journey had been amazing but he’s really drained, despite not having done much. Shaking his head at Ryan’s question, he closes his eyes and relaxes against Ryan.

“Okay, go to sleep. I’m gonna be here until you wake up, I promise.”

Scott smiles against Ryan’s chest. As if Ryan would go somewhere and leave Scott alone. What a ridiculous thought. Ryan wouldn’t do that. Ryan’s his dom and Ryan cares about him and he wouldn’t do that.

And with those happy thoughts, Scott falls asleep.


	21. Chapter 21

When Scott wakes up, he feels amazing. Part of him is still relaxed and the other part is refreshed and he feels ready to tackle anything. Groaning, he nuzzles Ryan’s chest and slowly pushes himself up.

Ryan’s smiling up at him. “Hey. Welcome back to planet Earth.”

Scott chuckles. “That was…that was…holy fuck, Harris.”

Laughing, Ryan’s nodding, a look of disbelief on his face. “You weren’t just on Mars. You weren’t even in our solar system. I can’t believe how far under you went.”

Scott laughs, feeling light and happy. “That was amazing. I’ve never felt anything like it.”

“Did you hear me at all?”

“Kinda. I heard somebody talking, but it was coming from so far away that I didn’t understand what you were saying. I knew I recognized the voice, but that was it.”

“Did you feel me touching your face?”

Scott’s eyebrows fly up. “No. When did you touch my face?”

“Oh, I touched you a lot. I started undoing the chains too but I didn’t wanna undo them too fast and risk having you go into subdrop.”

It’s so strange to hear that Ryan did all all of these things while he was right next to Scott and Scott hadn’t heard or seen any of it. “My brain can do amazing things, huh? Holy shit.”

Ryan chuckles. “Yeah. I’ve never seen anything like it. Wow.”

But the more Scott thinks about it, the more he realizes that the experience may not have been that great for Ryan. Glancing down at him, Scott frowns. “So apart from my brain doing weird things—which we already know it does—did you like that scene? I pretty much left you on your own. It was a cool experience, but if you didn’t love it as much as I did, then I don’t mind not doing it again.”

Ryan’s smile stays strong. “I loved it, but for different reasons than you did. I love it when you’re vulnerable and depending on me. It was a challenge, but I liked it.” But then Ryan’s smile fades a bit. “But speaking of being okay with how things went, is it okay that I sucked you off to get you down nicely? It wasn’t my first choice but you weren’t responding to—”

Scott chuckles and presses his fingers to Ryan’s lips. “I’m not just okay with it, I’m really happy you went that route. I had a great time from start to finish.”

That brings Ryan’s grin back. “Me too.” Lifting his head up, Ryan kisses Scott. “Oh, by the way?”

“Hmm?”

“Thank you for being brave enough to talk about what you thought would happen before we did this. Otherwise, the situation might have gone south for both of us.”

Scott smiles softly. “Well, that’s all your fault. You’re such a damn good human being that I fell in love with you and I trust you more than I trust myself sometimes.”

Ryan chuckles softly and wraps his arms around his back. “I’m happy to take that blame. Any day, any time.”

As he keeps kissing Ryan, Scott’s enjoying how buzzed he’s feeling. But then he realizes things have been a little one-sided so far this evening. While he’s already had an amazing trip and a great orgasm, Ryan’s been doing way too much work. It’s time for his dom to relax a bit. Pulling back from kissing Ryan, Scott grins down at him. “You feeling tired?”

Frowning up at him suspiciously, Ryan shakes his head. “No…” he says, but he sounds cautious. “But I’m not really in the mood for anything complicated.”

Scott chuckles. Perfect. “That’s good cause I know exactly how to make you feel good in a really simple way. All you gotta do is relax and I’ll do the rest.”

Smiling, Ryan’s eyes light up. “And what exactly are you gonna be doing?”

“Well, it occurs to me that there’s a special treat that’s been dangling in front of your nose but you haven’t had the opportunity to try it yet.”

“What special treat?”

Scott grins and wiggles his eyebrows. “You ready to experience fucking somebody without a condom?”

Ryan blinks and his smile disappears as his eyes widen, filling with heat. Scott laughs and kisses him hard. “Lost your words? Yeah, I thought so. And guess what? Your special treat is gonna come with a bit of a show too, since we both know you like watching me showing myself off.”

Still gaping up at Scott, Ryan looks like he has no idea what to say or do, so Scott decides he needs to take the reins for a bit. He has no idea how tired Ryan actually is so Scott will see how things go. If Ryan wants to fuck him when he’s on his back, that’s fine, but if he sees that Ryan’s really tired, Scott will ride him and do all the work.

Either way, he wants to make this night even more memorable than it already has been. He’s not being completely selfless—he’s been desperate for Ryan to fuck him without a condom, but he knows it’ll be extra special for Ryan.

* * *

When Scott climbs off him, Ryan shifts to follow him, but Scott grins down at him. “You can sit up, but stay here.”

Ryan props himself up on his elbows and watches Scott grab the bottle of lube from the bedside table and lie down on the mattress on his back, the chain that’s dangling around his neck pooling on the mattress next to him.

Scott never touches the chain and Ryan knows that’s deliberate. That fact, together with Scott’s intense declaration of trust from a few minutes ago, is making it hard for Ryan to breathe as he stares at him. He can’t believe how lucky he is. He has no idea what he did in this life or maybe a past life to deserve somebody like Scott, never mind a sub like Scott, but he hopes he keeps doing it.

He stays propped up on his elbows, watching Scott and waiting for his cue.

Scott shots him a smirk and slowly stretches out, his arms above his head and arching his chest up in an exaggerated arc while he moans loudly. That’s not how Scott usually stretches and Ryan knows he’s doing it on purpose.

Ryan’s eyes glide over Scott’s chest and his stretched arms, staring at his muscles shifting beneath his skin and the black leather cuffs a beautiful contrast on his light-skinned wrists. When they’d started having sex, Ryan had noticed Scott keeps himself completely clean-shaven, even his armpits. And Ryan really likes having all that smooth skin on display, allowing him to watch Scott’s gorgeous muscles and long limbs without any interference. He’d never mentioned it to Scott because he hadn’t felt right to make requests that have to do with how Scott treats his own body, but he’s thrilled that it seems to be something Scott enjoys too.

Scott lets his back slowly drop down and smirks at him. “Sit up and get a good view, Harris. Make yourself comfortable. It’s gonna take me a while to get ready. A long, _long_ while.”

Laughing, Ryan sits up and shoves the pillow up against the headboard, letting his legs splay out.

Scott shifts on the mattress and keeps glancing over at Ryan, as if he’s choosing his position very carefully. He finally lies down at an angle so Ryan can easily see his face and chest. But the real benefit of his chosen position becomes apparent when Scott pulls up one of his knees and reaches down to rub his fingers over his hole.

Ryan’s mouth goes dry as he stares at Scott’s fingers slowly rubbing over his hole and he realizes this is exactly why Scott is lying at this angle. Ryan can see everything without even having to turn his head. “Have I mentioned that I love you?” Ryan breathes out.

Scott laughs, rubbing his fingers over his hole. “Yeah, but feel free to repeat it as often as you want.”

When Scott’s happy with the position he’s in, he brings his hands up to his chest and drops his knee, keeping his legs spread. His hands slide up his chest, rubbing over his nipples and sliding up to his face, but his hands skip over the chain around his neck as he goes.

Scott throws one of his arms above his head and sticks two fingers of his other hand into his mouth, sucking on them and moaning loudly. He arches his back again and brings his wet fingers down to his nipple and slowly rubs the little nub between his fingers, making it glisten from his spit. He pinches and twists the nipple and it slowly hardens as Scott groans loudly.

“Oh, fuck,” Scott breathes out. “Fuck, that’s good.” He moans loudly and lets out a half-sob, tilting his head back and grabbing the bedsheets with his other hand as his finger pinches and tugs on his nipple.

Ryan’s heart is racing and he’s rubbing his cock, which is rapidly thickening as he stares at Scott.

But when Scott lets out another moan that’s a lot louder and more dramatic than he usually sounds, Ryan can’t help but let out a weak chuckle. “You know that I know that’s not what you really sound like during sex.”

Scott brings his head down and smirks at him, not stopping his writhing on the mattress or playing with his nipple. “Do you want a more realistic performance?”

Ryan tries to laugh, but it comes out sounding a bit strangled. “Fuck, no.”

Chuckling, Scott closes his eyes again. “I thought so. Now, stop disturbing me. I’m very busy enjoying myself.”

Scott sucks on his fingers again, fucking his mouth slowly and moaning around his fingers as he stares at Ryan through half-lidded eyes.

“Fuck, Scotty,” Ryan breathes out and strokes his cock faster, arousal racing through him and that desperate want coiling in his gut. He wants to touch Scott so badly. He wants to touch him and hold him down and fuck him and kiss him and a million other things. But he also wants to stay where he is and watch Scott touching his gorgeous body and putting himself on display for him. It’s a difficult choice, but Ryan decides to stay where he is for now. It’s clear that Scott has some kind of plan and he’s putting on a show just for Ryan.

Pulling his wet fingers out of his mouth, Scott brings them down to his other nipple and plays with that one too, tugging and rubbing it to hardness while moaning and arching his back. “Oh, fuck, yes. Fuck, that feels good,” he groans out, throwing his head back and baring his throat, the light glinting off the metal of the chain around his neck that Ryan had put on him and that Scott still hasn’t touched because Ryan had told him never to touch the chains with his hands.

And fuck, that forces Ryan to squeeze the base of his cock so he doesn’t come right then and there.

Once Scott seems to have decided that his nipples have received enough attention, he reaches over for the lube and coats the fingers of both hands. His hands slide down his chest, leaving a glistening trail behind and one of his hands wraps around his hard cock and slowly strokes himself while his other hand squeezes his balls.

Ryan’s mirroring Scott’s movements on his own cock, but he’s barely aware he’s doing it. He can’t tear his eyes off Scott and how amazing he looks.

Then Scott pulls up both of his knees and slides both hands between his spread legs, rubbing his slippery fingers over his puckered hole while he moans loudly and throws his head back, keeping his throat bared. He’s still wearing his ankle cuffs and seeing them on his ankles sends another jolt of arousal through Ryan.

Scott circles his hole with his fingers, then slips a finger from each hand into his hole, fucking himself as he lets out a loud moan, the black leather cuffs looking unbelievably sexy on his wrists.

Ryan’s gaping and his hand is clutching his cock to keep from coming, but he can’t tears his eyes from Scott’s fingers fucking himself, the way his back is arching and especially the metal chain wrapped around his bared neck.

There’s something so arousing and submissive about the way Scott’s pleasuring himself, while wearing submissive gear, especially things that Ryan had given him or put on Scott himself. Scott’s putting himself on display for Ryan and the fact that he’s doing it while still wearing the cuffs and chains makes Ryan realize Scott’s doing it all on purpose.

He’s not just putting himself on display for Ryan. He’s putting on a show for his dom.

“Excuse me, sir?”

The enormity of what Ryan’s realizing and the way he’s transfixed by Scott’s body makes him barely aware that Scott had said something.

“Excuse me? Sir?” When Scott repeats himself, a bit louder, Ryan blinks hard and sees Scott staring at him.

It confuses him for a second because Scott never calls him ‘sir’ during scenes. Well, technically Scott never calls him anything while he’s in subspace. But even if he could speak while in subspace, Ryan doesn’t think Scott would enjoy calling him ‘master’ or ‘sir’. It’s certainly not something Ryan would enjoy. He can’t stomach having somebody call him ‘sir’ or ‘master’. As for Scott, growing up in a military environment means he often defaults to calling people ‘sir’ or ‘ma’am’ if he’s in trouble or if he wants to be especially respectful to them, but it’s a formality that Ryan doubts Scott wants to mix together with his sex life. So he has no idea why Scott’s calling him ‘sir’…unless Scott’s play-acting right now and he’s not really talking to ‘Ryan’.

“Y-yes?”

Scott doesn’t pause the four— _four_ —fingers which are thrusting into his hole now, stretching himself open while his hole glistens with lube. “Can you please help me, sir?”

Ryan can barely talk. It’s a weird reversal from their usual dynamic. “You…don’t look like you need any help.”

Scott laughs. “Oh, I can do most things myself, but I really want the chain moved so it’s on my chest. It’ll feel so good on my chest. But I can’t touch the chain myself.”

Ryan blinks rapidly. He doesn’t know if Scott’s realizing how serious the whole tone of this situation is and Ryan doesn’t want to push him and turn it into something it’s not. If Scott’s just having fun, then Ryan doesn’t want to ruin that by getting serious. “You want me to move the chain for you?”

Scott’s smile disappears and he looks serious. His fingers even stop and pull out to circle around his stretched rim. “No, thank you, sir. Only my dom is allowed to touch the chains.”

Ryan stares at him. The whole mood has shifted and as he stares at Scott and meets his steady gaze, he realizes he was probably right from the start—Scott’s been trying to tell him something since he’d started this whole thing and now he’s trying to make sure Ryan understands.

Oh, Ryan definitely understands, but he doesn’t know if Scott really understands.

Scott’s been casually referring to Ryan as his dom for a while now, but it’s one thing to use that title just as a label to make discussions easier and it’s a whole other thing for somebody to actually accept somebody as their dom. Because the natural other half of that arrangement is that the sub becomes that dom’s sub. He and Scott might love each other, but it doesn’t mean they need to move to that new level as far as their dom-sub relationship is concerned.

Even if they did, it wouldn’t change much with their day-to-day interactions, but Ryan would definitely feel different towards Scott. He’s never collared a sub before but just from thinking about it, he knows it would change how he acts towards Scott. During scenes, he’ll probably feel a lot more possessive and he’ll experience domspace even more intensely than he already does. Outside of scenes, he’ll probably feel even more responsible for Scott’s wellbeing, and that heightened devotion would be noticeable.

And Ryan isn’t sure Scott’s ready for that. He’s not absolutely sure _he’s_ ready for it, but he’d love to try. In any case, he needs to play this very carefully and see if Scott’s really on board with this. “You have a dom, huh?” His voice is shaking and he’s staring at Scott with way-too-hopeful eyes, but he can’t help it.

He would do anything— _anything_ —to be Scott’s dom for life and for Scott to be his sub.

Scott smiles softly. “Yeah, I do. Well…I’ve never asked him if he wants to be my dom.”

Ryan clears his throat and it’s a struggle to get his mouth to form the right words. What he really wants to do is grab Scott and never let him go, but that won’t help move the situation forward. “He—he’d be an idiot to say no.”

There’s a hint of tension in Scott’s jaw and he looks a bit worried. “It’s a big responsibility. I like a lot of weird—sorry, no—I’m…a difficult sub to deal with. I’m not bratty, but…I’ve got some baggage and I need a lot of things from doms. It’s a lot of work.”

Ryan doesn’t even blink. He’d noticed Scott had caught himself before he could call the things he likes ‘weird’ and the fact that he’s obeying the order Ryan had given him makes this whole thing even more intense. “Anybody who’s got more than two brain cells would be honored to be your dom. You’re amazing and any dom should kiss the ground you walk on every single day if you allow them to be your dom.”

The tension disappears from Scott’s face and he blinks hard, his eyes sparkling. He gives Ryan a shy smile. “Will sir go find my dom for me? Please?”

“Sure,” Ryan croaks out, blinking rapidly.

“Thank you, sir.” Scott gives him a polite smirk and closes his eyes as he tilts his head back and slides his fingers back into his hole with a moan, a clear indication that he’s not in a big rush.

Maybe Scott’s realized that Ryan’s feeling a million different emotions right now and he needs a second to get himself sorted out. Ryan is incredibly grateful for it, because he really does need a second to get his head straightened out so he doesn’t screw this up.

Shaking, Ryan slides off the bed and goes to stand on the other side of the headboard, leaning his back against the metal bars and taking deep breaths to calm himself down. He deliberately didn’t walk to the other side of the bed, since he wants Scott to easily see him if he opens his eyes again, but he needs to put some distance between them.

He’s never been anybody’s dom before. He’s been _a_ dom who fulfills specific requirements _a_ sub might have, but he’s never been somebody’s dom. The fact that he’s in love with Scott adds a whole layer of complexity to the situation.

Being allowed to call himself Scott’s dom is as serious to him as marriage vows would be. Accepting the responsibility and honor of that label is the equivalent of calling himself Scott’s husband. For Ryan, it’s a lifelong, serious commitment to take care of Scott, to give him what he wants and needs and spend every waking moment making him happy.

And that’s not even addressing the issue of Scott calling himself Ryan’s sub. He’d never collared a sub before and the enormity of doing that with Scott is making his head spin.

“Ryan?”

Scott’s voice startles him out of his thoughts and he glances to the side and sees Scott leaning against the other side of the headboard, loosely holding onto the bars and looking through them at Ryan, the chain dangling down his chest. “You okay? Did I say something wrong?”

“No,” Ryan whispers. “No, I’m just trying to sort things out in my head.”

Scott frowns and tilts his head. “You wanna tell me what you’re sorting out? You don’t have to, but maybe that’ll help.”

Since Scott’s a huge part in all this, that would definitely help. Ryan really wants to talk to Scott about this, but he’s also scared of how much it’ll hurt if Scott wants to keep things casual. Having things turn serious would also be scary, but that’s a type of fear Ryan would love to tackle. But he really does need to talk to Scott about this. Staying in limbo will distract Ryan and there’s nothing worse during scenes than a distracted dom.

Taking a deep breath and looking away from Scott, he tries to sort out his thoughts and come up with a good way to put all this on the table so they can discuss it. Ryan has to figure out if this is all a game to Scott or if he’s serious. That’s a good place to start. “When you call me your dom, what…what are you expecting?”

Ryan’s not looking at him but he hears Scott shift on the mattress. “I’m expecting you…to be my dom? I don’t really—what are you asking?”

Sighing, Ryan turns around and puts his hands on the bars too, but he’s standing a foot away from Scott. The bars between them and the little bit of physical distance is the only thing that’s keeping Ryan from completely freaking out.

“Do—” His throat is too damn tight from emotions and he needs to clear it a few times before he can start talking again. “Being somebody’s dom is different from just dominating somebody during sex. At least, it’s different for me. It’s something I take very seriously and if you’re just play acting and using that phrase because it’s hot, then we gotta talk about that because…I can’t handle that.”

Scott frowns. “How’s it different? Would you want me to be submissive to you 24/7? Cause that’s—”

Ryan shakes his head. “No. No, I want an equal partner most of the time. It’s too exhausting to always be in charge.”

“Then what would change? Because that’s the only thing that would freak me out. Anything else that you wanna do, I’d be up for.”

“Basically, I’d feel like I’m your dom 24/7, but I don’t need you to be submissive unless you want to be or if you need to be. I’d always be watching your moods and how you’re feeling and if you’re not feeling good and if I know that dominating you would help you feel better, I’d do it without asking you. There—basically, there’d be a lot less of me asking you permission for things. I’d just do them. Obviously, you’re allowed to voice your opinion and if I can tell you don’t wanna do something then of course I’d back off. It’s all about giving you what you want and what you need. It’s a big responsibility but I know I can do it. But it requires giving up a lot of control from you and giving me a lot of trust and if you’re not ready for that, I understand.”

Ryan glances at Scott and sees him staring at him, his gaze steady. Ryan can’t read his facial expression, but he wants to finish explaining himself. “If you don’t ever wanna do that, that’s fine. But that’s what being your dom would mean to me. That’s also what you being my sub would mean to me. I take those labels as seriously as marriage vows.”

Scott’s silent for a while and Ryan can tell he’s thinking. “Would…you expect me to call you ‘master’ or ‘sir’? Cause I’m…not really into that. Besides, you know I can’t use my words when I’m in subspace anyway. That probably wouldn’t work half the time anyway.”

Ryan shudders at those words even coming out of Scott’s mouth. “No. No, that’s a hard limit for me. I can’t—I don’t—no.”

“Okay. Have you—how many subs have you had before? I mean real subs. Ones that you…put that label on. Sorry, I don’t really know the right words for this stuff.”

“I’ve never claimed or collared a sub before. Some subs had a collar that they’d want me to put on them, but it was just for play. It wasn’t—it wasn’t the real thing.”

“Would that be something you’d wanna do?”

Ryan’s breath catches. Jesus, what a question. “Putting a collar on a sub—a real collar that symbolizes that the person is really my sub—that would be the same as me putting a wedding band on somebody’s finger. It wouldn’t just be a toy to me. It would represent all the vows I’m making to my sub and all the vows the sub is making to me. Even if the collar is only physically used during a scene, my sub would be symbolically wearing that collar all the time. For me, collaring isn’t just a physical thing.”

“You didn’t answer my question. Well, kinda, but not really. Would you wanna collar me? Cause I’d really like that. I’d really, really like that,” Scott says softly.

Ryan’s eyes jerk up to meet Scott’s and he’s shaking from the overwhelming emotions he’s feeling. “Do you understand what that would mean? For me?”

Scott’s gaze is steady. “It would mean exactly what it would mean for me.” Scott smiles softly and leans his forehead against the bars, looking at him. The black cuffs are wrapped around his wrists and the metal chain is dangling from his neck and Scott looks so damn peaceful. Like everything is alright in the world.

Meanwhile, Ryan’s falling apart because he can’t tell what direction this conversation is going in.

“Ryan, I love you.”

Ryan takes a deep breath. “I know. That’s…got nothing to do with this. Just because you love me doesn’t mean you’re ready to be my sub and it doesn’t even mean you’ll ever wanna be my sub. Don’t try to convince yourself that this is something you have to do just because you love me. Things would go south fast and that would kill me. I don’t mind keeping things casual as far as our dom-sub relationship is concerned, but…” That’s when he loses his words because his heart is aching.

Scott shifts on the bed and slides over until he’s facing Ryan, the metal bars of the headboard between them. Scott’s so close to him that Ryan feels his warm breath on his face, but they don’t touch each other. Like Ryan usually does, Scott’s respecting the physical boundaries Ryan has set for the conversation.

“You didn’t let me finish, Harris. I love you. You make me feel amazing and you make me so happy. I’ve spent years suffering by myself and desperately wishing for two things. I wanted somebody to love me and somebody to take care of me. You’re saying that being my dom wouldn’t just mean you love me and will take care of me, but you’ll do those things without me having to ask. I wouldn’t have to worry about being on my own, physically or in my head. You’ll always be my chains and hold onto me if I’m falling and you’ll barge into my head when my thoughts are pulling me down and I don’t have to beg you for help.”

Scott chuckles softly and his eyes are shining. “This is what I’ve been dreaming about for years, Ryan. _Years_. Finding a dom who doesn’t just wanna play with me but who actually wants to be my dom and take care of me when I’m fighting things that I can’t handle on my own. I never thought it would happen, and here you are—worried that _I’m_ the one who doesn’t want this.”

Ryan stares at him. “You’re serious? You won’t—you won’t change your mind tomorrow? I mean, you can. You can change your mind anytime you want, but…you’re sure? At least, for now?”

“I’m sure. Not just for tomorrow but forever. I know what I feel and the thought of being your sub and you being my dom for life makes me feel so calm. So peaceful. I don’t ever have to worry about being on my own again.”

Struggling to breathe, Ryan slumps against the bars and closes his eyes as Scott’s warm lips kiss his cheeks and forehead between the cold metal bars.

Eventually, Scott’s lips disappear and the chain clinks as Scott moves away. A moment later, Scot’s arms are wrapping around Ryan and urging him to turn around.

Ryan allows himself to turn around and open his eyes, staring at Scott. He’s feeling excited and also terrified by what’s happening.

Scott keeps his arms wrapped around Ryan’s waist and smiles at him. “You okay?”

“You’d really let me be your dom?”

Smiling softly, Scott closes the distance between them and kisses him. “Yes, I would,” he whispers against Ryan’s lips.

“And you really wanna be my sub?”

Scott’s smile grows bigger against Ryan’s lips and that sends a rush of joy through Ryan. “That would be a dream come true. But I’d only want all of that if you want it.”

Nodding frantically, Ryan leans his forehead against Scott’s and wraps shaking arms around him. “I do. I really, really do.”

Scott kisses him softly. “Then it’s settled and official.”

Taking a deep breath, Ryan runs his hands up Scott’s back and tangles them in Scott’s hair. “I love you,” he whispers as he kisses him.

Scott moans against his lips and kisses him back.

While he kisses Scott, it occurs to him that he’s kissing his sub. _His_ sub. Scott’s now his sub and he gets to take care of him for the rest of his life. He’s no longer just a dom who plays with subs. He’s now Scott’s dom.


	22. Chapter 22

While Ryan kisses Scott, it occurs to him that he’s kissing his sub. _His_ sub. Scott’s now his sub and he gets to take care of him for the rest of his life. He’s no longer just a dom who plays with subs. He’s now Scott’s dom.

Adrenaline spikes through him and he tightens his grip on Scott’s hair and deepens the kiss. He doesn’t want Scott falling into subspace again today, but he feels himself falling into domspace. Unfortunately, his emotions are all over the place right now which means he’s in no condition to take the reins.

Pulling his lips back, he presses his forehead against Scott’s. “This might sound weird, given the circumstances, but I’m not up for being in charge tonight. I’m all—it’s—this is a lot to take in.”

Scott smiles at him and touches Ryan’s face, the wrist cuffs pressing against Ryan’s cheeks. “I get it. You’ve already worked hard to take care of me today and I just dropped this surprise in your lap. You’re tired and I just wanna make both of us feel good.”

Ryan makes a face, still feeling like he’s letting Scott down. He’s Scott’s dom and he should be able to push aside his own emotions to take care of his sub.

“Hey,” Scott says. He kisses Ryan’s forehead. “You’re my dom but it doesn’t mean you’re not human. If you fall apart during a scene or when I really need your help, that’s not good. But nobody expects you to be a dom-machine 24/7. That’s stupid. We both get equal say about doing scenes, remember?”

Ryan searches Scott’s face, but doesn’t see a trace of disappointment. It makes him realize that things really won’t change all that much now that they’ve solidified their relationship. They’re still Ryan and Scotty.

Smiling, Ryan takes a deep breath. “Okay.”

“So…did you still wanna fuck me bareback or you wanna save that for another day?” Scott asks, rubbing Ryan’s face with his thumbs.

Just the thought of his cock sinking into Scott’s ass without a condom makes Ryan’s heart start pounding and his breath catches a bit. “I—I’d really—I—”

Laughing, Scott walks to the mattress, pulling Ryan with him. “Come on. Time for you to take a trip around the solar system too. We’ll celebrate our pseudo-marriage properly.”

Ryan sits on the mattress and Scott helpfully shoves the pillow behind his back and gets him arranged the way he wants. Grabbing the bottle of lube from the foot of the mattress, Scott climbs onto Ryan’s lap and makes himself comfortable, the chain dangling down his chest and pooling on Ryan’s legs.

Lubing up a hand, Scott grabs Ryan’s cock and strokes him back to hardness, which makes Ryan groan and Scott grin. “Oh, you think this feels good, just wait.”

Ryan chuckles and puts his hands on Scott’s thighs, rubbing circles over his hip bones and tilting his head back against the pillow, letting Scott rub his cock.

Scott kisses him and smirks at him. “You ready?”

“Am I ever.”

“You can come whenever you want. This isn’t about me. It’s gonna be overwhelming, but don’t try to be a hero, okay? Just enjoy yourself.”

“If I can handle having my cock in your throat, I should be able to handle this.”

Scott laughs. “’Should’ is the operative word here. Maybe it’ll be fine, but don’t be surprised if it’s overwhelming.”

Ryan chuckles weakly. “You’ll still love me if I come in ten seconds?”

Laughing, Scott kisses him hard. “Obviously. But I’ll definitely make fun of you for it for at least five years.”

Ryan smiles against Scott’s lips and just like that, his earlier tension drains away. No matter what else they are to each other, they’re just Ryan and Scotty.

Scott’s shifting around on his lap but Ryan notices that the chain keeps getting in his way and Scott’s still not touching it.

“You need a hand with that chain?”

“Yes, please.”

Ryan grabs the end of the chain. “You wanna keep it on?”

“Oh, yes, please.”

Ryan gently loops the chain around Scott’s neck so it’s draped over his chest but won’t get in the way and adjusts the carabiner so the loops won’t slide off Scott’s chest. When he’s done, he runs his hands over the chains, rubbing them against Scott’s chest and slides up to Scott’s neck where the chain had been for.

He lightly rubs Scott’s neck, not squeezing but wrapping his hands around his throat. He didn’t plan to do it but now that he’s got his hands on Scott’s neck, an intense feeling of power rushes through him.

Scott moans and tilts his head back, baring more of his throat to Ryan and closing his eyes.

Ryan massages Scott’s throat, feeling Scott’s moan vibrate through his hands. He keeps his grip very loose, not pressing against Scott’s arteries and not putting too much pressure on his trachea, but he can definitely feel his hand around Scott’s throat; Scott’s pulse thudding on both sides of his neck beneath Ryan’s fingers and his throat shifting when he swallows.

It’s an incredibly powerful feeling that Scott’s letting him do this. Scott’s hands are hanging loosely at his sides and he’s so relaxed, not making any effort to stop him. Ryan could tighten his grip and hurt or even kill Scott within a few seconds but Scott hadn’t hesitated when he’d allowed Ryan’s hands to wrap around his neck. Ryan knows he’s not in subspace, so this was a decision Scott consciously made, demonstrating how much he trusts him.

“God, you’re amazing, Scotty,” Ryan breathes.

Scott smiles, looking blissfully happy. “It feels really good. Really—really good. I like having my dom’s hands on my neck,” he mumbles. “It feels like you’re protecting me.”

It’s fascinating to feel Scott’s words vibrating through his hands, but when Ryan understands the enormity of what Scott’s saying, his breath catches and another surge of power and heat run through him. He knows exactly what Scott’s talking about.

Every single day, they’re faced with reminders of how fragile human life is. How easily somebody can die when somebody disrupts one of the many complex but fragile systems that keep the human body going. The body needs to drink water, it needs to eat food, blood needs to stay within its vessels, the heart needs to keep pumping that blood around…and the body needs air. Despite how complex the human body is, air can only enter the body by flowing down the neck and any disruption to that flow is deadly.

Some subs view their doms wrapping their hands around their necks as a sign of power and dominance over them but Scott’s seeing it differently. Ryan’s hands are guarding Scott’s neck from anybody who might want to hurt him. Ryan’s hands are a shield, protecting him from the rest of the world. It takes a few tries for Ryan to form words to respond and he gently rubs his thumbs on Scott’s throat as he tries to calm down.

Scott stays still, breathing calmly, occasionally swallowing and Ryan can feel every single movement in his throat.

“I’ll always protect you, Scotty,” Ryan finally manages to whisper, his blood simmering with heat. “You’re my sub and I won’t let anybody hurt you. You don’t have to worry about anyone hurting you ever again.”

Scott’s smile widens and he opens his eyes a sliver to look down at Ryan. “I know.”

Loosening his hold on Scott’s neck, Ryan wraps his hands around the back of his head and pulls him down to kiss him.

Scott doesn’t try bracing himself, letting Ryan apply enough pressure on the sides of his head to keep him from toppling over.

Licking Scott’s lips apart, Ryan slides his tongue into his mouth and kisses him hard. “Fuck, I love you,” he breathes out against Scott’s lips before catching his lips again. He could spend the rest of the night kissing Scott and it takes him a while to calm down, but when Scott’s cock brushes his own, he remembers what else they had planned for tonight.

Giving him one last hard kiss, Ryan pushes Scott’s head back. “You gonna show me what this whole no-condom business is all about?”

Grinning, Scott kisses the tip of his nose. “You bet.”

Ryan drops his hands back to Scott’s hips and Scott wastes no time shifting himself around, rising up to his knees and grabbing Ryan’s cock.

When the head of his cock is rubbing over Scott’s slick rim, it sends a shiver of intense arousal through him. “Oh, fuck,” he moans.

Scott chuckles, but the laugh is a bit strained and his eyes are blown wide. It seems he’s as excited about this as Ryan is. Then Scott slides down and encases Ryan’s cock in tight, moist heat that’s so much more intense than Scott’s throat.

“Holy fucking Christ,” Ryan gasps out, his hands clutching Scott’s hips so hard that his knuckles are white and he can barely breathe. He’s hot and cold and it feels so good that he’s shaking.

Scott moans and drops his head against Ryan’s, pressing their foreheads together and closing his eyes. “Fuck, you feel good,” he groans.

Ryan tries to respond, but he’s just making random noises and gripping Scott’s hips, shaking like a leaf. He’s seconds away from coming but he really doesn’t want to.

Scott grabs the sides of his head and presses his wrist cuffs against his cheeks as Ryan opens his eyes. “Ryan, breathe. Look at me and breathe.”

It takes an agonizingly long time but Ryan eventually manages to calm down, staring at Scott and listening to his calm voice. Slowly, he gets accustomed to the intense heat and fantastic pressure on his cock and he manages to loosen his grip from Scott’s hips.

“Take your time. Tell me when you’re ready for me to move. Or if you had enough for today, that’s fine too.”

Sliding his hands up Scott’s chest, he runs over the chains and puts his hands on Scott’s face, mirroring Scott’s grip on him. They’re breathing in each other’s air and Ryan tilts his head to kiss him, brushing his lips over Scott’s and feeling Scott’s lips cling to his.

“Go slow, okay? Don’t break your dom,” he whispers.

Scott laughs and kisses him gently. “Tell me if it’s too much.” Slowly, Scott shifts and that moist heat that’s wrapped around his cock slowly slides down it. He can feel every tiny shift and it’s bringing his blood back to a boil.

“Oh, my fucking God. Jesus fuck—I’m—holy shit—” Ryan mumbles.

Scott laughs again. “You always have a bit of a dirty mouth when we’re having sex, but this is a whole other level. I like it.”

There’s no way Ryan has the brain power to respond to that. He’s clutching Scott’s face and struggling not to come. He believes Scott when he’d said that this wasn’t about him and it doesn’t matter to him when he comes, but Ryan doesn’t want this to be over yet. “Go—keep—keep going,” Ryan gasps out.

Scott’s never stopped shifting his hips, making those little circles that are already driving Ryan to insanity. “Faster?”

Ryan can’t believe that this can get any better, but he nods frantically against Scott’s forehead.

Scott shifts his legs a bit and then he’s sliding up. That amazing heat is leaving his cock and Ryan wants to cry, but Scott stops when the head of Ryan’s cock is still in him and slides back down, bringing that tight heat back. Ryan moans. It’s not as intense as he thought it would be. He can handle—

—and then Scott picks up speed.

Now there isn’t just that tight, moist heat, but there’s friction too and Ryan’s making more noises, shaking and clenching his jaw hard. “Fucking—I—oh my God—I—fuck—Jesus fucking Christ—”

Scott’s gone quiet and his grip on Ryan’s face is tighter. A thin sheen of sweat is shining on his face and his breathing is picking up, both of them gasping against each other’s lips.

All Ryan can do is hold onto Scott for dear life as Scott moans and rides him even faster. Then he’s clenching his ass around Ryan’s cock and Ryan’s letting out sobs. “Fuck, Scotty—I—”

“You feel so damn good,” Scott gasps out against his lips. “I wanna—please come inside me. Please, please, please come inside me. I’ve been wanting—fuck—I’ve been dreaming about this—I need to—I wanna feel—”

Just the thought of coming inside Scott—coming inside his sub—is enough to nearly kick him over the edge. He’ll be giving his sub something he’s been desperately craving for so long and that shatters his last bit of control and he’s coming, feeling his cum fill Scott.

Scott cries out as he’s riding Ryan’s cock, milking every drop of cum out of him, then he goes tense.

Something warm hits his chest and he realizes Scott came too, completely untouched, just from Ryan coming inside of him. That makes Ryan’s cock twitch again, but sadly, it can’t give Scott anymore of what he wants. At least for now.

They slump against each other for long minutes, gasping for breath and shaking.

Ryan’s about to wrap his arms around Scott so they can stay exactly where they are for approximately a year—which is when Ryan might be able to use his legs again—but when he shifts, his softening cock starts to slide out of Scott.

His cock is oversensitive now and being inside Scott is a little painful, so Ryan tries to shift enough for his cock to slide out fully, but Scott suddenly goes rigid against him and lets out a fearful sob.

“Please—please don’t take—please—please don’t—”

It’s so unusual for Scott to be saying things like that after a scene—either he’s fine or he’s non-verbal—that it throws Ryan a bit but he knows exactly what the problem is. “Shhh, it’s okay. I’m gonna fix it, just hang on.”

Letting his cock slide out of Scott’s ass—because not doing that isn’t an option—he quickly slides four of his fingers into Scott’s loose hole, filling him up. He can feel something sticky with his fingers that’s definitely not lube and it sends a jolt of heat through him when it occurs to him that it’s his cum that’s filling Scott’s ass.

Scott relaxes and slumps down so his face is pressed to Ryan’s neck, breathing warm air over his skin.

Ryan kisses Scott’s temple and wraps his free hand around his back. “Is that good?” He mumbles against Scott’s hair.

Scott lets out a rush of air. “Yeah. Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. That was really intense.”

“I didn’t go into subspace so I shouldn’t be acting like this,” Scott mumbles against his neck.

“You can act however the hell you want. If it’s a safety issue or if it’s something I can’t handle, then we’ll talk about it. You’re fucking perfect just the way you are. You tell that voice in your head that your dom is telling it to shut the hell up.”

Scott’s quiet for a little while and Ryan rubs his back and keeps his fingers in his hole, letting them both calm down.

“It wasn’t your cock, by the way,” Scott mumbles.

Ryan frowns down at him and chuckles. “I hate to break this to you, Jenkins, but yes, it was definitely my cock in your ass. Just like I know it’s definitely my cum in your ass. If you were confused about that then you gotta get your eyesight checked.”

Scott lets out a weak laugh, but it sounds a bit strained. “That’s not what I mean. Usually, if you fuck me while I’m in subspace, I need my plugs, right?”

“Yeah.”

“They make me feel better because the emptiness feels so weird. This was different.”

“How was it different?”

“I panicked. I thought you changed your mind and you were gonna take your cum back because you changed your mind and thought I didn’t deserve it. I know that sounds really stup—silly—but the thought just slammed into my head and I got scared.”

Ryan tightens his grip around Scott and presses a hard kiss to his temple. “It’s not silly. Me coming inside of you is a big deal for a lot of reasons and your anxiety is gonna fuck with you whenever something new happens. We know that already. We just gotta fight back, like we did right now.”

He glances down and sees Scott smiling. “Just so we’re clear…” Ryan mumbles against Scott’s hair.

“Hmm?”

“From now on, every drop of my cum belongs to you. You can take it or leave it or put it wherever the hell you want. I’m never gonna keep a single drop of it from you.”

Scott laughs. “We sound so dumb,” he groans into Ryan’s chest. But he carefully sits up—moving slowly enough that Ryan can keep his fingers in his ass—and kisses Ryan hard as his ass clenches around Ryan’s fingers. “I love you,” he whispers.

“I love you too,” Ryan whispers back.

“Hey,” Scott mumbles between kisses.

“Hmm?”

“You wanna see what your cum looks like in my ass?”

Ryan laughs. “Yeah, I actually do. If I take any out, I promise to put it back.”

Scott bursts out laughing. “It’s a good thing we’re now pseudo-married because nobody else would ever put up with either of us.”

“Hey, it’s not my fault everybody else is too stupid to understand how amazing we are.”

Chuckling, Scott slides off Ryan’s fingers and lies down on the mattress, the chains pooling on his chest and glinting in the light. He spreads his legs and Ryan’s eyes are drawn to his hole. It’s still shiny with lube, but there are also smears of white.

Moaning, Ryan rolls to his knees and shuffles close to Scott, sliding his hands under his ass and lifting it up so he can stare. Scott’s doing something and it’s making his hole twitch and flex, and as Ryan watches, a drop of white oozes out and runs down his crack.

“Fuck, that’s my cum,” he breathes out.

He stares at Scott’s cum-smeared hole and the rest of Scott as he lies on the mattress, his arms sprawled out on his sides, the chains hanging loose around his neck while Scott smiles happily. “Yup. That’s my dom’s cum.”

The combination of the chains around Scott’s chest—which used to be around his neck—seeing his cum on Scott and hearing Scott call him his dom and really meaning it sends a surge of want through Ryan. His mouth seems to figure out what he wants before his brain does, because he hears himself say: “Will you let me collar you?”

Scott’s smile grows brighter and he nods. “Of course. Are you kidding? I’d be honored to wear your collar.”

Shit. Ryan hadn’t meant to just dive into it like that. He wanted to ask how Scott feels about the situation, maybe discuss types of collars, when and where Scott would want to wear the collar, but Scott must see the look on his face because he looks serious but he doesn’t move from where he’s lying. “The only thing you need to know is that I’d be proud to wear your collar. It would mean the world to me. You know what a collar represents and so do I. Everything else is up to you. You’re my dom. You chose what, when, how, where. You know what I need and I trust you.”

Then Scott closes his eyes and sighs softly, relaxing against the mattress as if everything’s alright in the world. As if giving Ryan complete control over such an important decision is normal.

And Ryan is stunned to realize that yes—it’s normal. It’s now their new normal. This is what being Scott’s dom is all about. This is what Ryan signed up for. It’s both terrifying and amazing. It’s everything that Ryan’s ever wanted and it’s also the scariest thing Ryan’s ever done.

He’s filled with the intense need to grab Scott and never let him go. Releasing Scott’s ass, he crawls over him and rolls them over, pulling Scott with him.

Scott laughs happily and lets Ryan manhandle him until he’s lying on Ryan’s chest. Ryan buries his nose in Scott’s neck and clutches the back of Scott’s head, gripping his hair. He doesn’t pull, but he needs to hold him tight. He slings his other arm across Scott’s back and presses him down against Ryan’s body. Sliding his fingers down Scott’s lubed crack, he searches for his hole.

Scott moans and helpfully spreads his legs, pulling his knees up on either side of Ryan’s body. Ryan’s fingers find Scott’s hole and feels the sticky smears of cum around the rim. Scooping them up, he searches around for any he’d missed. When he’s satisfied he got it all, he slides his fingers into Scott’s hole.

Letting out a sigh, Scott goes boneless against him, breathing into his neck as Ryan holds him tight.


	23. Chapter 23

It takes Ryan about five seconds to come up with the perfect idea for Scott’s collar. He needs to go to the hardware store to buy the parts for it, which he does the next day after work.

It’s a struggle not to say anything about it during the day, but he’d seen how Scott sometimes gets anxious about certain things related to their relationship and he doesn’t like introducing that anxiety while they’re at work. It’s not that he minds if Scott’s distracted—they’re used to picking up each other’s slack if the other one’s not in the right frame of mind at work—but it’s unnecessary to purposefully introduce such a distraction when Scott won’t be able to see the collar until after work anyway. Scott will be excited about the collar, but he’s not sure if Scott won’t also be a bit anxious about what it really means, so he does his best to put it out of his mind.

But when he sees Scott closing the programs on his computer and getting ready to go, he can’t keep his mouth shut any longer. “You got any plans?”

Scott yawns and stretches. “Yeah, gonna head to the gym.”

Ryan struggles to keep his smile from getting too big. “You wanna come by after you’re done? I got you something special.”

Predictably, Scott grins. “Is it something not work appropriate?”

“Yeah. But…not for the usual reason.”

He watches Scott’s face and sees him frown, probably trying to figure out what it is. “Okay…”

Ryan’s about to tell him it’s what he’d said he’d get him, but Scott will understand right away and then he won’t go to the gym and Ryan doesn’t want to interrupt Scott’s plans. “Just come over when you’re done.”

Scott’s frown deepens and he’s looking at Ryan suspiciously. “Okay, fine. Be mysterious.” Getting up, he grabs his jacket off the back of the chair. “I’ll see you in a few hours.”

“Yup. Are you gonna be hungry? I’m gonna make dinner.”

Scott gets that soft, shy smile on his face that Ryan’s been seeing a lot lately and it never fails to make him want to grab Scott, cover him in kisses and never let him go. It’s a good things their desks are separating them.

“Yeah. That’ll be nice, thanks.”

“Okay. Enjoy the gym.”

Ryan drives home, has a quick shower and makes dinner. As he’s cooking, he lets his mind wander. He really hopes the collar won’t freak Scott out. Scott had seemed so certain about accepting Ryan as his dom but nobody’s ever collared Scott before and the physical representation of the collar might change how he feels about it.

He’s pulled out of his thoughts by the sound of the intercom buzzing and he hurries to let Scott in and unlocks the door for him.

A few minutes later, Scott’s walking inside, shutting the door behind him and taking off his gun belt.

“Hey. Some dumbass broke my favorite treadmill,” Scott grumbles, taking off his shoes and walking past Ryan into the bedroom, his gun belt slung around his shoulder. “It had a fucking crack in the middle of it, like somebody was jumping on it. Who the hell would mistake a treadmill for a trampoline?” Drawers are opening and closing and Scott emerges, having changed out of his jeans into sweatpants.

More and more of Scott’s clothes have started appearing in the apartment, which is convenient. Ryan doesn’t mind sharing his clothes with Scott, but having Scott using his own clothes means Ryan can avoid doing laundry for longer.

A few weeks ago, Ryan had made room in a few of the bedroom drawers to put Scott’s stuff in and since then, even more of Scott’s stuff has appeared. The bathroom’s had a bunch of Scott’s stuff in it for ages too. Ryan’s sure some of Scott’s favorite dishes will start making an appearance in his cupboards soon and the thought always makes him smile. It’s too early to talk about moving in together, but he definitely won’t prevent Scott from keeping more of his things here.

Yawning, Scott walks past him into the kitchen and lifts up the lids on the stove. “Mmm, that smells good. You wanna eat first or can I see my present?”

Chuckling, Ryan smirks at him. “I have no idea how you’ll react to the present, so it’s best if we eat first.”

Scott frowns at him. “You’re never confused about how I’ll react to one of your presents. I’m pretty damn predictable when it comes to sex related things.”

Ryan takes a deep breath and tries to quell his misgivings about the situation. “This is a different kind of present.”

Scott comes up to him and wraps his arms around him. “I’ll love it, no matter what it is. You know that.”

Lightly smacking Scott’s ass, Ryan steps back from him. “Come on, let’s eat. Then it’ll be present time.”

Scott keeps up a steady stream of chatter during dinner, probably sensing that Ryan’s nervous about the present. It’s a nice distraction and Ryan forces himself to answer Scott’s questions and listen to what he’s saying. When they’re done, they clear the table and Scott loads the dishwasher while Ryan puts away the leftovers. Then it’s time.

Scott’s grinning, looking very excited. “Where do you want me?”

“Just…wait on the couch.”

Opening the door to the play room—they rarely lock it anymore—Ryan goes inside and picks up the drawstring bag with the collar in it. Bringing it back into the living room, he sees Scott sitting on the couch, fidgeting with excitement.

Ryan struggles to rein in his nerves. “So, you remember I asked you if I could collar you?”

Scot’s smile grows bigger. “Yeah...”

Ryan breathes out a nervous laugh and his hand tightens on the bag. “Well…I went and bought one.”

Scott’s smile disappears and his eyes widen, but thankfully, he looks hopeful instead of anxious. “You got me a collar? A real one?”

“Yup. It took me five seconds to figure out what type of collar you’d probably like best. But if you don’t like it, we can change it to—”

“I’ll love it, no matter what it is. My dom picked out a collar for me, that’s all that matters,” Scott says, his voice shaking.

Seeing how excited Scott is, Ryan’s confidence comes flooding back and he opens the bag and pulls it out. To anybody else, it wouldn’t look like much. It’s a short piece of chain, the same heavy, thick tow chain that Scott’s favorite chains are made from. It’s only a few links long, just enough to fit around Scott’s neck in a tight but hopefully comfortable fit. When he’d clipped that chain around Scott’s neck after his floating session, Ryan had unintentionally been measuring Scott’s neck. He’d remembered which chain link he’d used to close the loop and because he’d bought the exact same type of chain, he’s sure it’ll be the right fit. Tight enough to make Scott happy but loose enough to be safe.

Dangling from the end is a thick, brass padlock with a key in the lock. He’d spent a ridiculously long time staring at the padlock options in the hardware store. He’d known Scott wouldn’t want something flimsy and he’d want to feel the weight and strength of the metal, but Ryan didn’t want it to be too heavy. For safety reasons, he’d made sure to choose a lock that would easily fit through the chain links so it could be removed quickly.

Another important factor had been to choose a lock that both he and Scott could easily pick. Scott loves these chains and Ryan loves seeing Scott wearing them, but the downside is that neither of them could physically tear the collar off Scott’s neck if they ever lose the key. Using bolt cutters so close to Scott’s neck is also not a good option, so having a backup plan to get the lock open was essential. Lastly, he’d loved the color contrast of the silver colored chain with the gold colored brass padlock and it’ll look incredible on Scott.

Of course, none of this will matter if Scott doesn’t like it.

Scott’s frozen, his mouth hanging half open as he stares at the short chain and padlock dangling from Ryan’s hand. Watching him, Ryan can see his eyes going a bit vacant, like they usually do when he’s slipping into subspace.

“Do you like it? I thought the chain would be a good idea, since you love how strong the chains are and you remember how you wanted them around your neck? Well, this’ll let you do it, but in a safe way. You’ll definitely be able to feel the chain and the padlock too. They’re heavy, just the way you like. I—”

Without a word, Scott slides off the couch to the carpet, clasps his hands behind his back and shuffles towards Ryan on his knees, his eyes glued to the collar. When he reaches Ryan’s feet, he closes his eyes and bows his head, making Ryan’s breath catch. “Scotty, you don’t have to…you don’t ever have to kneel for me unless we’re doing a scene and I tell you to. And even then, if you don’t want to, that’s okay.”

“I—I know,” Scott whispers, his voice faint, clear signs that he’s slipping into subspace. “I want…I want to. It feels right. It feels…I feel so right. I feel…I feel…”

Seeing Scott kneeling in front of him like this, waiting to receive his dom’s collar makes Ryan feel immensely powerful and protective. This is his sub, kneeling before him. Ryan’s going to collar him and it’s going to make this whole thing real. Scott will be his to protect and love and take care of for the rest of his life.

Reaching down with the hand not holding the collar, Ryan lifts Scott’s chin and stares into his glazed eyes. Scott’s still mumbling words but he’s getting more incoherent the longer he tries. Ryan gently presses his thumb to Scott’s lips, letting him stop his stammering attempts to explain how he’s feeling. Scott’s probably feeling just as intensely submissive as Ryan’s feeling dominant.

“I get it,” Ryan whispers. “You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to.”

Scott smiles but when Ryan releases his chin, Scott drops his head down again and closes his eyes.

“Do you want me to put the collar on you?”

Immediately, Scott nods his head.

But Ryan wants to make sure Scott really understands what this means. Lifting Scott’s head again, Ryan stares at him intently. “Do you understand what this’ll mean? When I put this collar on your neck, it’ll be my promise that I’m your dom for life and that you’re my sub for life. This isn’t a toy. Not to me.”

Scott’s shaking a bit, but he’s smiling. He nods, keeping his eyes glued to Ryan.

Releasing Scott’s face, Ryan lets him bow his head while Ryan struggles to draw in a deep breath and stop his hands from shaking. Adrenaline is surging through him but he needs to stay in control. He needs to take care of his sub and that means he needs to control his intense emotions.

He shifts the key in the lock, making the lock pop open and pulls it out of the chain as he takes the key out and drops it on the coffee table. Holding the chain in both hands, he forces his hands to stop shaking and slowly slings it around the front of Scott’s neck, pulling it tight enough that he can hold the chain links at either end with one hand while he fiddles with the padlock in his other hand.

Scott lets out a soft whine and it’s one of his happy whines. Smiling, Ryan deliberately slows his movements and takes his time sliding the U-shaped bar of the padlock through the two end links of the chain. Twisting the body of the lock around, he fits the whole lock into his hand and slowly clicks it shut, hearing it lock with an audible metal click. The collar is now locked around Scott’s neck. Ryan just locked his collar around his sub’s neck. Another flare of power rushes through him and Ryan has to take a deep, shaky breath.

Scott lets out a moan and he’s shaking like a leaf.

When Ryan can control himself, he lifts Scott’s face and his eyes are shining.

Reaching for the padlock on the back of Scott’s neck, Ryan pulls it around, making the smooth chain drag across Scott’s skin until the padlock is in front. Yesterday, he’d spend hours sanding and polishing the chain links to make them smooth and shiny and perfect for his sub.

Looking down at Scott, Ryan can barely breathe as he stares at Scott kneeling on the floor, the shiny metal chain and the heavy padlock glinting around his neck, locked shut until Ryan decides to take it off him. Kneeling down in front of Scott, Ryan gently puts his hands on Scott’s face and kisses his forehead. “How do you feel?”

Scott nods frantically.

“It’s comfortable?”

Scott keeps nodding, apparently having lost his words completely. That’s okay. When he’s wearing Ryan’s collar, he never needs his words.

“Any rough spots? I sanded it like hell yesterday, but I might have missed a few spots.”

The nodding turns into head shaking.

“Not too tight?” Even if it were, Scott would lie and say it’s not because he loves the pressure around his neck, but Ryan wants to make sure. Despite Scott’s head shaking, Ryan slides his own fingers underneath the chain, testing the tightness. He’s happy with it and judging from Scott’s reaction, he’s happy too. Staring at Scott, Ryan can’t take his eyes off the collar around his sub’s neck. “You look so beautiful,” he whispers.

Letting out a choked sound, Scott leans forward and presses his face to Ryan’s shoulder. Ryan wraps his arms around him and holds him tight. He knows this moment is even more overwhelming for Scott than for Ryan.

Having Ryan demonstrate his love and acceptance of Scott by putting a collar on him—not just any collar, but a collar made from materials that Scott associates with safety and protection—and giving such a physical demonstration of his seriousness to be Scott’s dom for life is a lot to take in. This moment is one Scott’s been dreaming about for over a decade and probably never thought would happen. Or at least, that it wouldn’t happen with a dom he loves and truly feels safe with.

“You’re my sub for life, Scotty. I’m gonna love you, protect you and take care of you for the rest of our lives, I promise,” Ryan whispers into Scott’s ear.

Scott stays where he is and doesn’t unclasp his hands from behind his back as he leans against Ryan. Deciding it’s up to him to take control, Ryan pulls back from Scott. “Come on, up you get. Let’s lie down on the recliner for a bit, okay? I’ll turn on the TV and we’ll calm down. And before you get anxious about it—you’re spending the night here. I’m not letting my sub drive home the night I put my collar on him.”

Scott lets out a shaky breath, but he visibly tries to pull himself together when Ryan pushes him back a bit and hauls him to his feet.

He sits Scott on the couch and takes off his own shirt and pulls Scott’s off him, knowing Scott loves the skin-to-skin contact. They’re both already wearing comfortable sweatpants so Ryan gets into the recliner, flips up the legs and gestures for Scott to come lie on him. “Come here. I need my octopus.”

Scott crawls onto Ryan and plasters himself over him, digging his hands between the recliner cushions and Ryan’s sides and pressing his face into Ryan’s neck. He’s still shaking. Ryan wraps his arms around Scott’s back, holding him tight and letting him calm down on his own time.

The TV’s already on and Ryan can’t reach the remote from where he’s sitting, but he doesn’t care. He barely watches the TV anyway. He keeps looking down at Scott and seeing the metal chain around his neck and he can’t help bringing his hands up to it constantly, touching and rubbing the shiny metal and dragging it back and forth. That always makes Scott let out a happy whine, so Ryan keeps doing it.

He finally settles on digging one hand into Scott’s hair and keeping a tight grip on his hair—not pulling, just holding—while his other hand presses the back of the collar into Scott’s neck and gently shifts it back and forth.


	24. Chapter 24

After a while, Ryan notices that Scott’s breathing has calmed. When Ryan glances down at him, he sees Scott’s fallen asleep. It makes Ryan’s heart glow and he can’t stop smiling as he keeps his hands in Scott’s hair and on his collar, keeping them still so he doesn’t wake him. He loves Scott so much and he can’t believe he gets to have this for the rest of his life. It really is a dream come true.

Eventually, Scott shifts a bit and Ryan resumes rubbing the collar back and forth. He glances down and sees Scott has opened his eyes. They're clear and shining with the same joy that's filling Ryan's heart. “You need anything?”

Scott gets a sleepy smirk on his face. “You know what I need,” Scott mumbles, sounding sleepy but very happy.

Scott’s shifting gets more pronounced and Ryan can feel Scott’s getting hard. Ryan had been surprised Scott hadn’t gotten hard when he’d put the collar around his neck, but he’s assuming the emotions associated with the collar had pushed Scott’s arousal aside temporarily. This is another time where Scott’s body’s strong association between physical affection and sex is on display, but it’s not an issue Ryan wants to discuss tonight. That’ll ruin Scott’s mood and possibly make him feel guilty for feeling aroused and that’s not something Ryan wants to introduce into this wonderful evening.

Chuckling, Ryan tightens his grip in Scott’s hair and tugs a bit. “You know it’s not safe to wear your gun when you’re napping, Jenkins. It’s digging into my thigh. Or wait…maybe that’s not your gun? It feels pretty hard.” Ryan shifts his thigh a bit and presses it against Scott’s cock, who lets out a whine and abandons all attempt at subtlety; thrusting hard against Ryan’s thigh and moaning happily.

“I think you wanna get fucked, huh?” Ryan murmurs down at him, smiling at Scott’s smirk.

Scott nods eagerly, the padlock rubbing against Ryan’s chest.

“You need your dom’s cock in your ass, don’t you? Your greedy, slutty hole needs to get filled up with my cock and cum, doesn’t it?”

Moaning, Scott’s grin widens and he rubs himself harder against Ryan’s thigh.

Ryan’s heart is pounding in his chest and he’s getting hard too, but that doesn’t matter right now. He wants to get Scott floating and tease him a bit, then he’ll think about his own cock. “I need to get my hands on my sub’s ass.”

He slides his hands into the back of Scott’s sweatpants and discovers that Scott’s not wearing any underwear. Laughing, Ryan rubs and squeezes Scott’s ass cheeks. “Not wearing any underwear, huh? God, you’re such a slut.”

“Not—not just any slut. I’m _your_ slut,” Scott mumbles into Ryan’s chest.

Ryan laughs harder and brings his hands to Scott’s face, grabbing his hair with one hand and holding Scott’s chin with the other. “I love you,” he murmurs, brushing his nose against Scott’s and watching him smile back.

Tightening his grip on Scott’s hair and chin, Ryan tilts Scott’s face up and stares at him as he increases the strength of his grip. Scott lets out a moan and as Ryan watches, Scott’s eyelids start to sink until they’re halfway down. His upper body goes limp, even as his hips are still rubbing his cock on Ryan’s thigh.

It’s always amazing to watch Scott slip into subspace and Ryan spends a while staring at him, watching him go under and relinquish control of his body to Ryan. “Good boy,” Ryan whispers. “You’re under now, aren’t you? That’s my good boy, I’m so proud of you.”

Scott gets that weak, half-smile on his face as he stares at Ryan with that vacant stare that means he’s officially in la-la land, riding that natural high that they both love seeing him experience.

Keeping his grip on Scott’s hair and chin tight, Ryan bends down and kisses him hard. He knows the position is a little painful for Scott’s neck and predictably, Scott moans and stays limp, letting his face be moved the way Ryan wants. Scott shifts his lips a bit against Ryan’s and Ryan slides his tongue between them, making them slide apart so Ryan can fuck his mouth with his tongue, exploring the warm, moist depths.

Pulling back, he presses a hard kiss against Scott’s lips. “Mmm…oh, that’s nice. Your mouth is made for fucking,” he mumbles against Scott’s lips, grabbing his lower lip between his teeth and tugging on it sharply, making Scott moan. “Yup, definitely made for fucking. My tongue, my fingers, my cock—a part of me should always be fucking your mouth. It’s a crime not keeping this slutty mouth stuffed full all the time.”

Kissing Scott hard, Ryan releases him and Scott drops his head down to his chest with a groan as the padlock of the collar presses against their chests. Ryan runs his hands down Scott’s back, rubbing the heels of his hands hard enough along his skin to feel the friction warming his hands. Reaching Scott’s sweatpants, he pushes them down to reveal Scott’s ass and squeezes each cheek.

“What a gorgeous ass. It’s definitely made for getting fucked too. This ass should be stuffed full of my cock and my cum all the time too. My cum should be dripping out of your hole every minute of every day.”

Scott moans loudly into his chest and spreads his legs as much as he can within the confines of the sweatpants.

Parting Scott’s cheeks, Ryan runs his fingers down his crack, finding his puckered hole and rubbing dry fingers over it, feeling it twitch beneath his fingers.

Scott lets out a breathy whine and lifts his ass, pressing his hole more firmly against Ryan’s fingers and rubbing his cock harder against Ryan’s thigh.

“I bet you could come just like this, couldn’t you?” Ryan says, keeping his fingers still and letting Scott do all the work. Seeing Scott getting himself off just from rubbing on Ryan’s thigh and against Ryan’s fingers pressed to his hole is sending jolts of heat through Ryan and he blinks hard and desperately tries to ignore his throbbing cock.

“You’re my beautiful, slutty sub. Wearing my collar and you’re lying on top of your dom, trying to fuck yourself on my fingers. Your cock’s probably leaking in your pants by now, isn’t it?” He presses his fingers a bit harder against Scott’s hole, his fingers slightly breaching the rim and it twitches around them. Scott’s warm breath is gusting over Ryan’s chest as he lets out a loud groan.

Fuck, Scott’s amazing. “I bet you could come once and if I told you keep going, you’d come in your cum-soaked pants again. I could make you come as many times as I wanted to, couldn’t I? I’d just lie here, keep my finger pressed against your hole and tell you to come and you’d do it. You’d be covered in your own cum and you’d keep going for hours. I could keep you here for days, just making you come when I order you to, over and over again. You’d love getting all messy for your dom, wouldn’t you?”

Scott lets out a moan that turns into a half-sob and the padlock is rubbing against both of their chests as Scott thrusts harder against Ryan’s thigh, constantly reminding Ryan that Scott’s wearing the collar that Ryan locked around his neck—the collar that Scott let him lock around his neck because Ryan’s his dom now.

Then Ryan decides he’s teased Scott long enough. He wants—and desperately needs—to fuck Scott, but they don’t have any lube within reach and the stretched out recliner would probably break under the weight of them actually fucking on it. Besides, if Ryan gets his bare cock into Scott’s ass right now, the sensation will probably be just a bit less intense than it had been the first time around and he’ll be coming way too soon. He wants to make this last, so it’s time to press pause.

“Stop,” he says, grabbing Scott’s ass cheeks in a hard grip and pressing Scott’s groin down against Ryan’s thigh, hard enough to stop Scott’s thrusting.

Scott hasn’t processed the order and he’s still thrusting a bit, moaning into Ryan’s chest.

“Scotty, stop moving. Now. You’re not gonna come right now and I’m not gonna fuck you right now. Be my good boy and stop moving. Now.” He’s careful to keep his tone light, not wanting Scott to think he’s upset, but needing the order to penetrate the deep haze Scott’s in.

Scott freezes. It even sounds like he’s holding his breath. When Ryan glances down, he sees Scott’s eyes are a bit more open, paying as much attention to Ryan as he can in the condition he’s in.

Releasing his ass, Ryan waits a beat, but when Scott stays frozen, he smiles and bends down to kiss Scott’s forehead. “That’s my good boy. I’m gonna fuck you and fill you up with my cum, don’t worry. But we’re not doing it here.”

Wrapping one arm around Scott to keep him safely pressed against his chest, Ryan reaches down with the other hand and grabs the lever to bring the recliner’s legs down.

Scott’s whining and shifting again as Ryan carefully sits them up. “Scotty, listen to me.”

Maybe Scott’s trying to listen, but his vacant gaze is off in the distance he’s shifting impatiently on Ryan’s lap.

Keeping one arm around Scott’s back to keep him from toppling over backwards, Ryan grabs the padlock on the collar in a tight grip with his other hand and gives it a sharp tug.

That makes Scott’s eyes widen and he freezes, gasping for breath as his eyes snap over to Ryan’s.

“Good boy,” Ryan tells him, smiling and kissing his frozen lips hard. “That’s my good boy. Stand up and let’s go into the bedroom.”

Even before Scott tries to get himself off the recliner, Ryan knows he won’t be able to get to the bedroom on his own when he’s this deep in subspace. Unfortunately, Scott may have the coordination of a newborn lamb right now, but he’s too heavy for Ryan to safely carry. And Ryan doesn’t want to bring him out of subspace just to move him to the bedroom.

Great foresight, Harris. Jesus. What is this—amateur hour?

Wrapping both arms around Scott, Ryan edges them off the recliner and helps get Scott’s trembling legs under him. When they’re both upright, Ryan shoves Scott’s sweatpants down and nudges his feet to step out of them. Turning Scott around, Ryan stays behind him, keeping his arms wrapped around Scott and slowly walks them to the bedroom, nudging Scott’s feet to keep him moving.

“That’s my good boy. Keep walking. I wanna fuck you on the bed where I’ve got plenty of room.”

As they pass the coffee table, Ryan bends down to grab up the padlock key and stuff it into his pocket, just in case Scott wants him to remove the collar after he’s come back down. Tightening his grip around Scott again, he keeps them moving.

Along the way, Ryan happens to glance down and sees how hard Scott is, his cock leaking at the tip. It reminds him that Scott’s completely naked except for the collar around his neck while Ryan’s still wearing his pants.

Knowing he’s got his naked sub in his arms and Scott’s wearing his collar and is completely under Ryan’s control right now—and that all of it happened voluntarily because Scott wanted to submit to him—sends a surge of adrenaline and possessiveness through Ryan and makes his cock throb where it’s slotted in the crack of Scott’s ass. He tightens his grip on Scott and grabs his earlobe between his teeth and tugs sharply, which makes Scott moan and nearly makes his legs collapse.

“Fuck, you’re amazing, Scotty. You’re my amazing sub,” he growls into Scott’s ear.

He wants to touch Scott’s cock so badly, but Scott would probably come without making the conscious decision to do it and that would upset him. He also wants to push Scott down and fuck him right here, on the living room carpet. Jesus, Ryan needs to focus. He needs to get them into the bedroom, where he’s got lube and a bed and other essential things waiting.

Once they’re finally in the bedroom, Ryan kicks the door shut behind him and gently dumps Scott on the bed. Scott lands on his front with his legs planted on the ground and he spreads his trembling legs and sticks his ass up, keening.

Normally, Ryan would be glad to grab the lube and fuck Scott in this position, but Scott’s too far into subspace to be thinking clearly. They’ve never re-negotiated Scott’s desire to only fuck in positions where he can see Ryan or feel him plastered against his back and now isn’t the time to try new things.

Stepping around Scott so he can see Ryan clearly, Ryan points at the pillows. “Get on the bed, Scotty. Head on the pillows, on your back and spread those legs. I wanna see that slutty hole before I fuck it.”

Scott whines and it’s his annoyed whine, but he does as he’s told and slowly crawls onto the bed and makes his way to the pillows.

Ryan turns on the small lamp on the bedside table, bathing the room in dim, warm light. Taking off his clothes, he digs the padlock key out of his pants pocket and carefully puts it on the bedside table before pulling the lube out of the drawer and shoving it next to the filled water bottle that’s already sitting there.

When he glances over, he sees Scott lying with his head on the pillow, his legs bent and up in the air, his arms splayed out on the mattress, smiling that half-drunk smile at Ryan and clearly very proud of himself for having followed his dom’s orders.

Grinning, Ryan grabs the lube and climbs onto the bed, rubbing Scott’s spread thighs and squeezing them. “Good boy,” he murmurs, bending down to kiss Scott. “You’re my very good boy.”

Scott moans against his lips and Ryan hardens his kisses, pushing Scott down into the pillows.

Pulling back, Ryan rubs his hands up and down Scott’s open thighs, staring at his hard cock leaking drops of pre-cum down the shaft, his tight balls and his twitching hole. The sight makes Ryan’s own cock start throbbing again.

“Fuck, you look gorgeous,” he breathes out, shaking with the desire to sink into Scott. “I could look at you all day. In fact, I think I’ll just keep you here forever,” he says, tearing his eyes off Scott’s cock and twitching hole long enough to glance at Scott, who lets out a breathy giggle and grins up at Ryan, his eyes shining. “I’ll keep you here, just like this. I can come in whenever I want and look at your gorgeous, strong body, wearing your beautiful collar and see that you’re keeping your legs spread for me.”

Lubing up his fingers, Ryan rubs his slick fingers over Scott’s hole and hears him moaning. Knowing Scott doesn’t need a lot of prep, especially when he’s this far into subspace already, Ryan slides two fingers into his hole, the rim sliding open and clinging to his fingers as he glides into Scott’s warmth.

Scott lets out a high-pitched whine and throws his head back, the collar and padlock glinting in the dim light from the bedside lamp.

“I’d keep your hole lubed and open for me all the time. Every hour, I’d come in and re-lube your slutty hole and stretch it open with my fingers so it’s always ready for my cock.”

Scott’s loose hole twitches around Ryan’s fingers at his words and Scott lets out a half-sob, staring up at Ryan, looking very happy.

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Keeping your hole ready for your dom to fuck whenever I want, huh? Lying here, thinking about when your dom’s gonna come fuck you and fill you up with cock and cum.” He adds a third finger and thrusts his fingers into Scott. Scott’s ready, but Ryan’s enjoying stretching it out. Pun fully intended.

Pulling his fingers out, he lubes up his cock and grabs Scott’s thighs. Shifting his knees closer to Scott, he spreads Scott’s thighs even more than necessary and releases one of them to slot the head of his bare cock against Scott’s loose rim. “And whenever I wanna fuck my sub, I’ll come in here and just slide my cock right into your hole.”

He pushes forward and slides into Scott, his breath catching when that amazing tight and moist heat clings to his cock. This time, Ryan had been prepared for the intensity and thankfully, he doesn’t lose his mind like he did the first time.

Scott lets out a keen and his rim spasms around Ryan’s cock, sending jolts of arousal through Ryan.

It’s a struggle to keep breathing and not come right and there, but Ryan manages to breathe through it. “Fuck. Fuck, you feel amazing. You were made for my cock, Scotty,” he gasps out.

When Ryan’s sure he’s not on the verge of passing out, he finds himself staring down at Scott, who’s smiling up at him, shifting a bit and letting out little moans and happy whines. His body is completely loose and relaxed and he looks so happy. But what’s catching Ryan’s attention even more is the collar around Scott’s neck. The padlock keeping the metal chain locked around Scott’s neck is lying on his chest and Scott’s acting as if the collar is a natural part of him, like one of his arms. Like it’s always been there.

That’s Ryan’s collar. Ryan’s collar that he’d put on his sub. He’d locked it and it’ll stay locked until he removes it. Nobody can rip it off Scott’s neck. Somebody would either need to take the key from Ryan or spend time picking the lock, which would give Ryan plenty of time to stop them.

He’d never really thought about how he felt about the materials that make up Scott’s collar. The choice to use the metal chain and padlock were purely for Scott’s benefit, not Ryan’s. But now he’s finding himself developing an intense appreciation for not having chosen a normal leather collar that could easily be cut or torn off. Nobody can get this collar off his sub’s neck without spending a lot of time trying and Ryan would never give anybody that time.

Shaking, Ryan feels overcome with the urge to cover every inch of Scott’s body with his own, to fill every inch of his body and mind and not leave room for anything else. Scott belongs to him, nobody else and he’s going to love him and protect him for the rest of his life.

Growling, Ryan falls into a deep, intense domspace. His mind becomes fixated on Scott and the rest of the world disappears. If anybody were to come into the bedroom right now, there’s a high chance he’d kill them or at least, hurt them very badly for daring to invade the sphere of protection he’s created for his sub.

Grabbing Scott’s hands with his own, Ryan brings Scott’s arms above his head and presses down on them, keeping him restrained. He’s glad he’d decided to bring Scott into the bedroom tonight because he doesn’t want the chains getting the pleasure of holding Scott down and keeping him safe. He wants to be the one to do it, using his own hands.

Shaking from the intensity of his own emotions, Ryan presses more weight on Scott’s hands, watching Scott’s eyes widen before nearly dropping shut. He’s letting out these small sounds that Ryan loves, enjoying the feeling of Ryan keeping him restrained and safe.

Bending down, Ryan presses his forehead against Scott’s. “I love you so much. You’re mine and I’m gonna take care of you for the rest of my life. You never have to worry about being alone or anybody hurting you ever again,” he whispers.

Scott lets out a moan and he’s staring up at Ryan with a bright smile on his face, his eyes shining and his body completely relaxed. The only part of him that’s tense is his ass, which is still clinging to Ryan’s cock with intense heat, as if Scott’s body is making sure Ryan’s cock won’t leave. Well, there’s no danger of that happening. If Ryan could, he’d spend the rest of his life right here, covering Scott’s body with his own and filling him with his cock and cum. And God help anybody who tries to take Ryan’s place.

Kissing Scott’s forehead, Ryan slowly starts to fuck him, feeling that intense warmth sliding along his cock as he moves, making them both moan. He covers Scott’s face in hard kisses and moves down his neck, nuzzling the chain collar around Scott’s neck and brushing his lips over the cool metal links of the chain and the thick padlock. Scott shifts his head back, exposing more of his neck for Ryan and whining in the back of his throat, the sound vibrating through Ryan’s lips.

Pulling back enough to see Scott’s face, Ryan can’t get over how beautiful Scott looks and how intensely possessive Ryan’s feeling over him. This is _his_ sub, feeling safe and loved while wearing Ryan’s collar. The collar that Scott had accepted with such joy.

It sends more surges of arousal through him and Ryan’s bending his head to Scott’s neck as he fucks him harder, keeping his cock deep in Scott and gasping out breaths against his neck as he rubs his nose against the chain and keeps a tight grip on Scott’s hands. “I love you so fucking much,” he gasps out against his neck.

Fucking Scott hard feels incredible, but Ryan slows down a bit when he’s getting too close to coming. He wants to stay in this moment for as long as possible.

Scott’s as happy as Ryan’s ever seen him, smiling and moaning and his eyes shifting randomly around the room but always returning to stare at Ryan and throwing his head back and groaning whenever Ryan kisses his neck and nuzzles the collar.

Eventually, Ryan’s adrenaline starts to peak and he’s getting tired. Shifting a bit, he changes the angle of his thrusts so he’s rubbing his cock over Scott’s prostate. “I want you to come, Scotty. I wanna see you cover yourself in cum. I wanna see you cover your beautiful, strong chest in your cum.”

Scott’s eyes flutter closed and he abruptly stops breathing and Ryan fucks him harder, his thighs smacking into Scott’s ass and within a few thrusts, Scott’s entire body tenses and streaks of cum shoot out of his cock and cover his chest. The tension makes Scott’s hole clamp around Ryan’s cock and Ryan grits his teeth and forces himself to wait, thrusting his cock hard into Scott and watching him come. “Good boy. What a good boy. I wanna see all of your cum.”

Ryan fucks him through his orgasm, watching Scott’s cock twitch and spurt more cum without anybody touching it as waves of pleasure roll through his body and Scott lets out gasps and half-choked cries.

“Fuck,” Ryan gasps out, always awed at how well Scott obeys his command to come.

Once Scott goes limp, Ryan finally releases the last of his control. “I’m gonna fill you up with cum. Your dom’s cum is gonna be dripping out of your gorgeous ass and I’m gonna give you every drop that I have.”

Scott lets out a tiny, weak moan and he’s staring up at Ryan, his eyes shining and his body shaking and tense, waiting for it.

Within a few thrusts, Ryan feels his orgasm hit him and he’s having one of the most intense orgasms he’s ever had in his life. He can’t breathe and his entire body seizes up in waves of pleasure as he comes, pumping cum deep into Scott’s body.

At the last second, he remembers what Scott likes and pulls his cock out until Scott’s loose, slick rim is just clinging to the head of his cock and he spurts the last bit of his cum right there, knowing it’ll start dripping out of Scott the second he pulls out.

Gasping for breath, Ryan slowly pulls out, feeling sticky cum clinging to his cock. Releasing Scott’s hands, he struggles not to collapse on Scott, but he needs to do two things before he can lie down: look at his cum dripping out of his sub’s ass and take care of his sub. “I wanna see my cum in your ass,” he gasps out.

Scott lets out a high-pitched keen and struggles to lift his ass off the mattress. Ryan helps him, grabbing his ass and sliding his knees underneath it, staring at the loose, gaping hole that’s covered in shiny lube and white streaks of Ryan’s cum.

“Fuck, I’ll never get over seeing this,” he murmurs. Seeing his sub’s ass filled with Ryan’s cum is still as intense as it was the first time. He slides three of his fingers back into Scott’s loose hole, who moans and thrusts weakly against Ryan’s fingers.

Managing to smile despite how tired he is, Ryan stares at Scott, his head thrown back as he fucks himself on Ryan’s fingers. He knows Scott’s gonna start coming down soon, but he truly is insatiable. “You’re my gorgeous cock slut, aren’t you? You never get enough of my cock, do you? Jesus.”

But no matter how much he loves watching Scott being his gorgeous, slutty self, they have work tomorrow and it’s time for Ryan to get Scott settled down. “Okay, Scotty. That’s enough. You were a really good boy, but we gotta lie down and then you can have my fingers back in your hole.”

Scott lets out an annoyed whine and makes a face, but he lets Ryan pull his fingers out. When Ryan slides back and drops his ass, Scott lets his legs sprawl out on the mattress, watching Ryan but looking calm and relaxed.

It’s a far cry from how upset Scott would get during their early scenes when he’d start crashing very quickly after having an orgasm, his body not trusting that somebody would take care of him properly. Now, that fear is completely gone. Scott knows that Ryan will take care of him and even when he’s in a state where he probably doesn’t remember his own full name, his mind knows Ryan will take care of him. That fact has become so deeply ingrained in Scott that he knows it without being consciously aware that he knows it.

And it makes Ryan’s heart glow with fierce pride. Smiling, Ryan leans over to grab the blanket and lies down next to Scott. “Come here. I need my octopus and I wanna get my fingers back into your hole. We don’t want my cum leaking out of you, do we?”

Scott giggles and sleepily shakes his head.

His little giggles never fail to amuse Ryan. He’s sure Scott has no idea he giggles like that when he’s in subspace. Ryan will never say anything about it because—although he finds it adorable—Scott would find it embarrassing and Ryan never wants him feeling self-conscious about anything, especially when he’s in subspace. It’s a secret that Ryan will make sure nobody else will ever know, so there’s no point in telling Scott and making him uncomfortable.

It’s been hard enough getting Scott to feel comfortable about some of the things he does when he’s in subspace or coming down from it. Ryan’s glad that Scott’s started becoming more comfortable with many of those things. Ryan loves seeing Scott happy, relaxed and comfortable, both when he’s being submissive or being Ryan’s equal partner. Ryan’s working hard to prove with every word and every action that he loves everything about Scott and never wants him feeling ashamed of anything and it’s been such a joy to watch Scott becoming more comfortable with his submissiveness as his trust in Ryan grows.

They’ll probably encounter more situations where they’ll have to battle Scott’s anxiety, shame and the damage his past has inflicted on him, but Ryan will gladly take on the fight because they’ll always win. Each time they win another battle, it improves Scott’s life a little more and that’s why there’s no limit to how many times Ryan will wade into battle for him. But there’s no reason to open a can of worms by telling Scott about his cute little giggles.

Scott plasters himself over Ryan, the padlock pressed between them and slings his leg across Ryan’s body, snuggling into Ryan’s chest.

Ryan shifts Scott’s leg higher up and slides three fingers back into Scott’s warm, loose hole, feeling the slippery lube mixed with his sticky cum. Scott lets out a happy sigh and goes limp against him while Ryan pulls the blanket up over them, making sure to tuck it around Scott to keep him warm.

Filling Scott’s hole with something after fucking him had started as something that Ryan just did for Scott, but that’s completely changed now that he’s fucking Scott without a condom. Scott’s intense submissive association with having cum given to him by a dom is exactly what Ryan’s experiencing, but from a dom perspective. He loves giving his cum to his sub, filling him up with it, marking him with it and keeping it inside of him. It sends such a rush of power through him.

Kissing Scott’s forehead, Ryan slowly reaches over with his non-occupied hand to check that he’d set two alarms on his phone for tomorrow morning since he needs to head in early to work out. He’ll explain that to Scott after he’s back from outer space and had some water.

Although it only takes a few minutes for Ryan to check the alarms, by the time he brings his hand back to dig it underneath the blanket and wrap around his sub, Scott’s already fast asleep, his warm breath gusting over Ryan’s chest.

Smiling down at him, Ryan gently adjusts his fingers in Scott’s hole so they’re both comfortable, then he very lightly wraps his other hand around the back of Scott’s neck, feeling the metal links of the chain beneath his fingers.

He’s exhausted, but there’s still some adrenaline running through him and it’ll be enough to keep him from falling asleep. Ryan’s responsibilities as a dom don’t end until Scott’s woken up again and proven that he’s safely back on the ground on his own two feet. But as usual, it’s not hard to ignore his own exhaustion when he’s got Scott in his arms like his. He focuses on Scott’s warm, relaxed weight on top of him, his slick hole twitching around his fingers and filled with Ryan’s cum. And now there’s a new bonus: the metal collar around Scott’s neck and the padlock digging into Ryan’s chest. All of these things are a constant, strong reminder that Scott’s still vulnerable and completely dependent on Ryan’s protection and he’s trusting Ryan to keep him safe while he slowly floats down from subspace. Those thoughts are always enough to send renewed spikes of adrenaline through Ryan, which helps keep him awake.


	25. Chapter 25

As usual, Ryan wakes up a few minutes before the first alarm is set to go off. Reaching over, he turns it off before it can jar Scott out of sleep.

Scott’s on the pillow next to him, snoring softly, looking peaceful and still wearing the collar. After he’d woken up from being in subspace, he’d been in great spirits. Ryan had given him water and Scott had asked if he could keep the collar on until morning. That had warmed Ryan’s heart, but he’s also aware that they’ll have to discuss the situation later. Initially, Ryan had thought the collar should only be used during scenes, but if Scott wants to wear the collar other times too, that’s fine. In fact, that’s great, but they’ll have to discuss it to make sure they’re on the same page. Not only will they have to come to a consensus on when Scott wants to wear the collar, but also what his and Ryan’s expectations are when he’s wearing it.

Then there’s the side issue Ryan’s old ‘no-chain-touching’ rule. It’s something he’s been meaning to discuss with Scott anyway. Since that first scene where they’d used chains, Scott has never touched them and Ryan hasn’t even had to remind him. But Ryan understands Scott better now and he’s more confident that he knows how to handle Scott while he’s in subspace. If Scott wants to keep the ‘no-chain-touching’ rule for himself, he can. But Ryan’s ready to lose that restriction.

The reason Ryan thinks this will be a good time to bring it up is because after Scott had come down from subspace, Ryan had seen him lift his hand half a dozen times to touch the collar, only to stop himself. The fact that the collar is made out of the same chains they use for bondage is great and Ryan knows Scott loves the symbolism behind it, but Ryan wants Scott to feel free to touch his collar or any of the chains that he loves so dearly.

Another positive thing that had happened last night was that Ryan had asked Scott if he wanted to wear his plug during the night, but Scott had shaken his head. His smile had stayed strong and he’d rubbed his face over Ryan’s chest, mumbling that he didn’t think he’ll need it.

As much as Ryan loves putting the plug into him and checking on it during the night, this is huge progress. While Ryan would never shame Scott for his attachment to the plug, Scott’s relationship with the plug hadn’t been completely healthy. His strong association between the plug’s presence and affection hadn’t been good and Ryan’s glad that Scott’s slowly letting the plug go.

Ryan had kept a careful eye on Scott until he’d fallen asleep, ready to grab the plug and give it to Scott if he had trouble falling asleep. But to his—and probably Scott’s—delight, Scott had shifted onto his own pillow and shoved one of his legs between Ryan’s before closing his eyes, a smile on his face as he’d buried his nose into his pillow and quickly fallen asleep.

And this morning, Scott’s sleeping in the exact same position, which means he must have had a good night—without his long-time friend, the plug. And that’s wonderful.

What’s not wonderful is that Ryan should definitely stop staring at Scott and get out of bed. He’d told Scott that he’ll be going to the station early to hit the gym before their shift starts, Scott told him he’d grab them breakfast on his way to work and then they’d gone to sleep.

Now, Ryan’s having second thoughts about going to the gym. It’s really time for Ryan to get out of bed and start getting ready, but he can’t stop staring at Scott.

His heart feels so full as he watches Scott sleeping, wearing his collar and looking so peaceful. Ryan loves that he’s created such a safe space for him. He knows without Scott ever having told him that even if one of those assholes in Scott’s past would have allowed him to stay the night, Scott wouldn’t have felt safe enough to share a bed with them, never mind close his eyes to sleep.

And here he is, sleeping soundly with Ryan’s collar voluntarily locked around his neck. In fact, he’d asked to keep it on even after coming down from subspace.

As Ryan keeps staring at Scott, a thought pops into his head. He wants to wake up like this every morning. He wants his home to be Scott’s home too, not just a place Scott stays at temporarily. He wants Scott to call this his home and Ryan wants to fall asleep next to Scott every night and wake up next to him every morning. He wants to step around Scott in the bathroom as they both brush their teeth every morning before work. He wants to stand next to Scott every day after work as they stare into the fridge and decide what they’ll be making for dinner and what groceries they need to buy.

The thoughts make Ryan’s breath catch and he desperately wants to wake Scott up right now and ask him to move in with him right this second. He can definitely create a good home for Scott because he’s already done it. Scott spends about half the week here and a lot of his stuff is already in the apartment and it’s clear Scott feels comfortable and safe here.

That need to protect Scott simmers in his blood and Ryan’s slipping into domspace a bit. Blinking hard up at the ceiling, he takes a deep breath. He needs to keep his thoughts grounded in reality. Despite his sub sleeping next to him and wearing his collar, Ryan can’t let his dom instincts twist reality into something it isn’t.

Despite what his brain tells him when he’s in domspace, Scott doesn’t belong to him and no matter how much he wants to keep Scott by his side 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, that’s creepy and bad for both of them. So Ryan brutally pushes away those crazy thoughts about moving in together. Having those thoughts when he’s in domspace is bad and creepy enough, but he’s accepted the fact that he doesn’t have complete control over his thoughts when he’s in domspace. That’s fine, but entertaining them as logical and healthy thoughts when he’s not in domspace is a road he won’t go down. He’s not his dad.

And anyway, he and Scott have only been together for a few months and although they’ve already made long-term commitments to each other, asking Scott to give up his own apartment is pushing him too far, too fast.

Ryan’s heart is racing but he takes quiet, deep breaths and makes himself calm down. No matter how much the thought of waking up next to Scott every single morning fills him with a desperate want, he needs to rein in his dominant tendencies so he doesn’t scare Scott and drive him away. What Ryan needs to do right now is wake Scott up so he can unlock the collar and go to the gym.

Except when he turns his head to stare at Scott again, he can’t stop staring at him.

Waking him up right now would be a crime. Well, not technically, but it should be. There’s no way he can wake his sub when he’s sleeping so peacefully. Ryan can’t do it. He won’t. And there’s no way he can leave his bed while his sub is still sleeping in it. That’s not happening either.

Swallowing a groan, Ryan clenches his jaw and forces himself to look up at the ceiling. This…is definitely a problem. But not a bad problem. Ryan can just switch to working out after their shift, like Scott does. He tends to get distracted when he’s watching Scott work out, which is why he’s always stuck to working out in the mornings, but he’d rather deal with that than leaving his bed when Scott’s still sleeping in it, especially when he’s wearing Ryan’s collar.

Smiling at his decision, Ryan relaxes on his pillow and closes his eyes, letting the sound of Scott’s soft snoring lull him back to sleep.

* * *

The next time Ryan’s woken up, it’s by soft kisses covering his face. Groaning happily, he blinks his eyes open and sees Scott smiling down at him.

“Morning, sunshine. Did you forget to set the early alarm?”

Ryan smiles a bit sheepishly. “No, I ignored it. I’m a little tired.”

Scott looks worried. “Did I wear you out? You wanna take a sick day or a half day? I’ll make you food before I go.”

Yawning, Ryan stretches and leans up to give Scott a quick kiss. “Nah. I just needed the extra time to sleep. I’m good now.”

Smiling, Scott leans down and nudges Ryan’s nose with his own. “I feel really good. I wanted to let you know cause it’s all your fault.”

Chuckling, Ryan lifts a hand to rub the back of his knuckles on Scott’s cheek. “What a coincidence. I feel really good too, and you’ll be glad to know that it’s definitely your fault. So we’re both shouldering the blame.”

Lowering his hand, Ryan slides his fingers over the metal links of the collar around Scott’s neck and fiddles with the padlock. “But I think it’s time for this to come off, huh?”

Scott makes a face and Ryan sighs sympathetically. “You know people are gonna talk if you wear it at work. They’ll notice it right away. There’s no way you can hide it, even if you wear high collar shirts. But if you want, I can get you a day collar. Something lighter and more discreet. Nobody’s gonna see it if you keep it under your shirt.”

Scott shakes his head firmly and grabs the padlock with a firm grip. Ryan notices he doesn’t touch the chain, just the padlock. “No, this is my collar. I don’t want another one. Just ignore me, I’m being whiney. I don’t wanna wear it at work, but it’ll feel weird taking it off.”

“You know it’s just a physical representation. You’re still my collared sub, even if you’re not wearing it.”

Scott manages a weak smile. “I know.” Bending down, he kisses Ryan firmly and Ryan returns the kiss.

“Just ignore me,” Scott mumbles between kisses. “I’m being a spoiled brat, which is all your fault. Just take it off and I’ll be fine in a little while.”

“Okay.” Sitting up, Ryan reaches for the key and sticks it into the padlock. Scott’s jaw is shifting and he looks unhappy so Ryan decides to do it fast, like ripping off a bandage. Turning the key, the lock springs open and Ryan pulls the U-shaped bar out of the metal links and pulls the chain off Scott’s neck.

Bringing his hand to his neck, Scott rubs the bare skin, making a face. Then he sighs. “Okay, let’s get ready for work. I’ll be happier in a few minutes, I promise. It just feels weird right now. Partially, it’s the physical weight that’s gone, but it feels like somebody took my badge. I don’t know, I can’t explain it.”

Ryan gives him a sympathetic frown. “You feel vulnerable?”

Scott makes a face. “Yeah. I know that’s dumb, cause you’re right here and I know I’m fine. I’d even be fine if you weren’t right here, but…I just really love my collar.”

Ryan’s about to suggest some things that might help, but he decides to keep quiet for the time being. Since this is a new situation, Ryan will let Scott lead for now. He’ll see how Scott’s mood is during the day and if the lack of the collar continues bothering him, he’ll look into getting a day collar that’ll be similar enough to be a good temporary replacement but won’t be so noticeable.

But true to Scott’s prediction, by the time they’re ready to head to work, Scott’s mood has improved and he’s no longer constantly touching his neck. As Ryan’s slipping on his jacket, Scott’s scrolling through his phone with a yawn.

“We got an email from the morgue. The Hernandez autopsy’s done. We wanna head to the morgue first and grab breakfast on the way back to the station?”

“Yeah, sure.”

* * *

Scott can tell Ryan’s keeping a close eye on him during the day, but he really does feel better after a few hours. Losing the physical weight of the collar had been the most jarring. He never minds losing his aftercare plugs once he’s finished coming down, since they’re usually getting uncomfortable by then. The chains on his arms and legs are different because they’re heavy and Scott’s usually a bit relieved to lose that weight, no matter how much he loves having them on.

The closest comparison Scott can make is how he feels when he takes off the wrist cuffs and ankle cuffs. They’re always comfortable, they always make him feel safe and he’d love to wear them 24/7 if he could get away with it. But except for feeling a little sad to lose them, he never really minds taking them off.

It takes him a few hours to figure out what the difference between the cuffs and the collar is. It can’t just be the physical weight difference between them. The collar hadn’t been uncomfortable and the weight around his neck had been reassuring and wonderful. But even once the physical sensation of missing the collar has faded, his stomach clenches a bit with the desperate need to get the collar back.

It’s dumb because he never feels like this about the cuffs. He knows he can put the cuffs on whenever he wants…

…

…and that’s when he realizes that’s what the difference is. Because the cuffs belong to Scott. Ryan gave them to him as presents, they’re Scott’s and they’re under his control. He can decide when to put them on and when to take them off. He doesn’t have to fret over not being allowed to put them on, because they’re his.

But the collar isn’t his. That’s the point. He might sometimes call it ‘his’ collar, but the collar really belongs to Ryan. That’s the way things should be and Scott loves it that way. It’s Ryan’s responsibility as his dom to put the collar on him and to take it off. There’s the logistical reason behind it—that rule which prevents Scott from ever touching the chain himself—but even if that rule didn’t exist, Scott still wouldn’t feel right putting the collar on himself or taking it off himself. That’s something his dom does. It’s not just Ryan’s responsibility, but it’s his right. And Scott’s perfectly okay with that…but the fact that Ryan’s in control of putting the collar on Scott is the problem. Because while he wants to wear Ryan’s collar for the rest of his life, he can’t quite get himself to believe that Ryan won’t suddenly change his mind and refuse to give him the collar back.

That’s the problem.

Scott can put his cuffs on whenever he wants, but Ryan’s collar is under Ryan’s control. Whenever Ryan takes it off, Scott will have to grin and bear it and try to sooth the anxiety that starts clawing away at his brain, tormenting him with the thought that Ryan will never want to put the collar on him again.

Being at work helps, but Scott isn’t looking forward to going back to his own apartment after work and spending the entire night with that nasty, cruel voice in his head, taunting him and reminding him that his neck is bare and there’s a chance—however slight—that it’ll always be bare if Ryan decides he never wants to give him the collar back.

Because there _is_ a chance that might happen.

If Ryan meets another sub whose body he likes better than Scott’s, who he likes fucking more than Scott, who sucks cock better than Scott, who isn’t as needy as Scott is while in subspace, then Ryan will replace him and give his new sub his collar. Of course, Scott wouldn’t blame Ryan for doing that. Anybody with two brain cells would get rid of Scott if somebody marginally better came along.

He knows he doesn’t deserve that collar. That stupid voice in his head reminds him about that every second of the day and it’s true. It’s not nice that he’s fooled Ryan into thinking Scott deserves the collar, but he’s sure Ryan will eventually come to his senses and then he’ll take the collar away. The man’s not stupid. Maybe Ryan won’t take the collar away until he has a new sub—because what man would give up having an eager mouth and ass to fuck at all times of the day and night—but it’s only a matter of time.

It’s a big problem and as usual, Scott’s brain starts running in faster and faster circles to try to come up with a solution and as usual, none of them make any sense.

The craziest idea involves putting himself into a situation where the collar never has to be taken off, thus, decreasing the chance that Ryan will remember Scott isn’t worthy of it and taking it away. There’s only one way to achieve this: he’ll have to stay at Ryan’s apartment all day, every day, then Ryan wouldn’t have to take the collar off every morning before they go to work.

That prompts his anxiety to remind him loudly and viciously that Ryan could still take the collar off Scott’s neck whenever he wants. Just because he’s at Ryan’s apartment doesn’t mean Ryan can’t take the collar off. In fact, it’s Ryan’s right to take the collar off whenever he wants and kick him out.

But at least, if Scott spent more time with the collar on his neck, he could…

…

He could what?

That’s the problem with crazy ideas that are fueled by his anxiety—his brain often grinds to a halt when he hits a snag and has to scramble to fill the sudden blank it’s encountered.

He could…

Oh! He could…hoard those wonderful feelings and store them up so he could try to live off them when Ryan decides to take his collar away for good? That’s a good idea. He could try to use those stored feelings to fight the cold darkness when it seeps back into his life. It would help. A little.

Maybe.

In any case, spending more time wearing it would mean Scott would get to focus on wearing the collar—because at that specific moment, Ryan had decided for whatever reason to let Scott wear his collar—and that always makes his anxiety shut up. That would definitely be worth it.

That’s when Scott realizes being at Ryan’s apartment 24/7 would mean a lot of things he hadn’t considered: quitting his job, no more movie nights, no more socializing with friends, no more going out…and it would also mean moving in with Ryan.

The only exciting part of that is moving in with Ryan—which is such a wonderful thought but it’s never going to happen because Scott doesn’t deserve to live in Ryan’s home full time—but that’s when Scott forces these stupid thoughts to come to a halt.

What the fuck is he _doing?_ He’s letting his anxiety push him towards crazy thoughts that make no sense. He needs to stay focused on his work so time will pass faster and he can make up an excuse to go back to Ryan’s apartment after work and convince him to let him wear the collar for a few hours before he gets tired of Scott, takes it off and makes him drive home.

No! No, no, no! Stop!

Once again, that’s his anxiety talking and steering his brain in a crazy direction. When has Ryan ever _made_ him go home?! Never.

Well, if Scott keeps being a clingy, needy slut, then Ryan’s going to get sick of him much faster and that’ll lead to Scott losing his collar faster.

Fuck. That part’s true. His anxiety gets one little point for that one.

So he needs to play this carefully. He can’t be too needy. Not too clingy and pathetic. And he’ll somehow have to get used to losing his collar temporarily over and over and over again and surviving and praying and hoping until Ryan gives it back to him. _If_ he gives it back to him.

He’ll have to enjoy every single second he gets to wear the collar and he’ll have to avoid thinking about the looming darkness that’ll suck him in again once Ryan gets rid of him for good. He’ll also have to learn to live with this anxiety coiling in his belly whenever he’s not wearing the collar and he’s being constantly reminded that Ryan might never give him the collar back.

“Scotty? You okay?” Ryan asks him in a low voice when they’re walking back to Scott’s car after canvassing a neighborhood.

Scott tries to muster up a smile, while the anxiety is busy screaming at him that this is what he gets for being a needy, clingy whore and this is why everybody always ends up leaving him. “Yeah, I’m fine. It still feels a little weird, but it’s fine.”

Ryan grabs his jacket sleeve, pulls him to a halt and gives him a serious look. “I was serious about the day collar. Just say the word and I’ll find you one. I’ll go to the store at lunchtime and find you something. Hell, I’ll get you ones you can wear on your neck, your wrists and both ankles. I’ll even get you a belly chain, if you want. You’d jingle a little when you walk, but you can blame it on your keys.”

Scott huffs a laugh and struggles to quell the anxiety that’s laughing hysterically in his head. No, the problem isn’t that Scott’s missing his dom’s collar. He doesn’t want a temporary replacement to wear during the day. That wouldn’t fix the crippling fear in his head that his dom will one day decide not to give him his real collar back. Instead, he’ll be left with a cheap, flimsy imitation to taunt him and remind him that he’s not worthy of wearing Ryan’s real collar. And that’s assuming Ryan won’t take the day collar back too, which he might. But in any case, Ryan looks really worried and Scott’s rapidly failing his new plan of not being an annoying slut, so Scott has to make Ryan stop worrying as quickly as possible. “I’m fine. It just—it was the weight. It wasn’t too heavy but it wasn’t light like the cuffs. It’s just hard to get used to not having it there.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t sleep in it,” Ryan says, frowning at him and looking worried.

Fear races down Scott’s back and he nearly has a heart attack. Is this the start? God, is this the start of the end?! “No! I—I really—I like—I need—I need—I really wanna sleep in it.”

Ryan holds up soothing hands. “Okay. No problem, it was just a suggestion. The weight doesn’t bother you when you’re sleeping?”

Scott frantically shakes his head. “No! It feels—it feels perfect.”

Ryan gives him a long look and opens and closes his mouth a bunch of times, as if he’s not sure he wants to say what’s on his mind. Finally, he narrows his eyes at Scott and frowns. “You look really fucking anxious about something and I can tell that asshole voice in your head is saying something to you. In fact, I know it’s been talking to you since we left that last interview. What’s it saying to you?”

Sighing, Scott shakes his head. Shit. As usual, he’s doing an awful job of following his own plans because he’s a stupid whore. “Don’t worry about it. It’s nothing important.”

They stand there on the sidewalk and Ryan stares at him intently.

Scott desperately tries to change the subject. Telling Ryan about this will just make Ryan realize that yes, he’d made a mistake collaring Scott, he should never give Scott the collar back and he needs to sweep the useless dirt that’s Scott out of his life as quickly as possible. The longer Ryan goes without coming to this obvious realization, the more time Scott can spend savoring this amazing life he’s somehow stumbled into without deserving a single second of it. “You wanna work on the Johnson case? We’re only a few blocks over from the aunt’s place. We can go over the timeline again.”

Ryan frowns at him suspiciously. “I know you’re trying to change the subject, Jenkins.”

Sighing heavily, Scott closes his eyes. “Yeah. And I’m begging you to let me. I can’t—Ryan, just please.”

Taking a deep breath, Ryan doesn’t say anything for a minute. Finally, Scott hears his shoes shifting on the sidewalk. “Okay, fine. I’ll drop it for now. Yeah, let’s do the Johnson case.”

Opening his eyes, Scott’s thrilled Ryan’s granted him this reprieve. Without knowing it, Ryan’s delaying his own realization that Scott doesn’t deserve his collar and Scott feels a bit bad manipulating him like this, but he knows he’ll never get anything like this again as long as he lives and he’s prepared to be a bit selfish, no matter how much he loves Ryan.

“Oh, but Scotty?”

“Hmm?”

“Can you come over after work? We gotta talk about the collar.”

And that’s when Scott’s heart stops beating. He can’t breathe and he’s about to pass out. He wants to burst into tears. Already?! God fucking damn— _already?!_ Please no, please no, please no, please no, please no, please no—

His anxiety is laughing shrilly in his head.

“Scotty? You okay? You’re really pale.” Both of his arms are grabbed in a tight grip. “Are you gonna pass out?”

He’s being pulled along the sidewalk and the next thing he knows, he’s sitting in the passenger seat of his own car, the door open and Ryan leaning on the door frame and shielding Scott from the world.

Scott looks up at him and wants to cry. What can he say to change Ryan’s mind? What can he do that he hasn’t already done?

That voice hisses the answer into his head. _Nothing._ There’s nothing he can do because he’s a worthless, disgusting whore and Ryan’s amazing and of course, Ryan doesn’t actually want a sub like him for life. Ryan just had a moment of insanity when he’d made those promises. Or he hasn’t realized that Scott doesn’t deserve him, but he will. Ryan’s smart.

Scott’s heart is aching and feels like it’s being torn into shreds. He’s busy staring at his knees so it’s surprising when he sees Ryan’s hands grip his thighs and squeeze them hard. It feels so nice and he wonders why Ryan’s bothering, but then he remembers: Ryan’s amazing and polite and obviously, he’s gonna be kind to Scott until the end.

“Scotty, you gotta tell me what’s going on.”

Scott wants to snap at him that obviously, Ryan already knows what’s going on. _He’s_ the one who’s going to end things. Has he realized he hates Scott so much that he wants to be cruel to him now? He took away the collar this morning and now he’s gonna make Scott tell him why he did it just to drive the point home?

Unfortunately, the words are stuck in Scott’s throat and he can’t make them come out. Fuck him and his stupid inability to talk when he gets anxious, especially in cases like this when he should be using his words to stick up for himself a bit. Not too much, because he really is a worthless, needy whore just like Ryan’s about to tell him he is, but he hates the thought of just letting Ryan stomp all over him without being able to say anything back.

The anxiety is screaming with laughter in his head and Scott’s starting to feel a bit sick.

Abruptly, his chin is lifted up and Ryan’s staring at him, looking pale and scared. “Scotty, we can either talk now or I’m driving us home and we’re talking there.”

But they’re at work. They need to work on the Johnson—

“And no, I don’t give a shit that we’re at work right now. We’ll make up the time later. You’re upset and there’s a battle going on in your head and I wanna help you.”

Scott stares at him helplessly. He does want Ryan’s help. He wants his help so badly—but Ryan’s on the anxiety’s side in this battle, so he’d never help Scott. Is Ryan trying to trick him? The voice chuckles darkly and Scott knows the answer before it has to say anything. Ryan’s already proven that he hates Scott and wants to be cruel to him before he gets rid of him.

Scott’s shaking and he really does feel like he’s gonna be sick. It’s been years since he’s had an anxiety attack bad enough that’s made him feel nauseous and he’d always hoped he’d never have to go through this again, but—life sucks and this is what he deserves.

Ryan grabs his jacket and pulls him off the seat. “Backseat, come on.”

Barely moving his feet, he goes where Ryan’s pulling him and before he realizes what’s going on, he’s in the backseat of the car and Ryan’s shoving him over and climbing in beside him.

Ryan’s stretching out on the seats and against the opposite door, slouching down so he’s below the window and partially out of sight. Spreading his legs, he grabs Scott’s jacket and pulls him between his legs, wrapping his arms around him so Scott’s back is pressed to Ryan’s chest.

It feels nice, but this won’t help quell the anxiety that’s lit a raging inferno in his head. He just needs it to stop. Please, please, please, Ryan make it stop. Please make it stop.

One of Ryan’s hands lightly wraps around his throat and the other is gently held over his nose and mouth, not blocking them, but just there.

“I’m gonna count down from three. You’re gonna take a deep breath and I’m gonna stop you from breathing. I’m gonna count down and I’m gonna let you breathe when I reach one. Then I’m gonna tell you to breathe and you’re only gonna breathe when I tell you to. Keep your hands relaxed. The second you lift your hands to your face or touch my hands, I’m gonna let go. Understand?”

Scott blinks hard. A million thoughts are racing through his head, but none of them are fear. He’s excited about Ryan controlling his breathing, hopeful that this will douse those flames in his head and it makes his heart fill with joy that Ryan’s willing to do this for him when he’s being so ridiculous. This has nothing to do with his own breathing—he’s breathing just fine—but giving up control over his breathing and focusing on Ryan’s orders will help calm his mind down.

Hopefully.

Nodding, Scott relaxes and leans back against Ryan, focusing all his attention on his dom and ignoring his stupid, useless body and mind.

Ryan’s lips are right by his ear and he keeps his grip on his throat light enough not to be dangerous, but Scott’s pulse thuds on either side of his neck against Ryan’s fingers. “Three…two…”

Scott sucks in a deep breath.

“…one…”

Ryan’s hand closes over his nose and mouth. Two of his fingers pinch Scott’s nose shut tightly and the rest of his hand firmly wraps around his mouth.

Just to see, Scott tries to take a breath and realizes he can’t suck in any air at all. Ryan has complete control over his breathing and Scott relaxes as relief races through him. Ryan’s taking care of him. Scott can stop trying to fight the voice in his head by himself because Ryan’s here and Ryan’s on his side, like Scott had always hoped.

Take that, stupid voice. One point for Scott.

Ryan’s voice had started counting as soon as he’d covered Scott’s nose and mouth and Scott listens to it as the numbers slowly tick down.

“…seven…six…five…”

Scott’s heart rate is slowing and his lungs are aching a bit from the lack of oxygen, but he’s not worried and he’s not making any attempts to breathe. He doesn’t need to. Once Ryan reaches one, Scott will get his breathing back. Scott trusts that with every fiber of his being. And Scott doesn’t need to breathe before then because Ryan’s his dom and Ryan knows when Scott needs to breathe.

“…three…two…one…”

The hand lifts from Scott’s face, but Scott keeps holding his breath until Ryan’s counting again.

“…Five, breathe…”

Scott draws in a deep breath, filling his lungs with fresh air and exhaling.

“…Four, breathe…”

Scott takes another breath.

The numbers keep going down, Ryan’s calm voice counting down softly in his ear and his hand a warm, reassuring weight on his neck, shielding him from the cold darkness and cruel voices and anybody else who tries to hurt him.

“…One, breathe…and hold…”

Scott sucks in a deep breath and holds it as Ryan’s hand covers his mouth and pinches his nose shut again.

“…Ten…nine…eight…”

And it continues.

The fire in Scott’s head has completely extinguished and he’s relaxed. He’s not floating, he just calm. More importantly, he’s in control of his world again. Which is bizarre, because he currently doesn’t have control of one of the most basic human body activities: breathing. But that’s okay, because it’s his dom who has control of it and that’s even better than Scott having control of it himself.

He closes his eyes, his body limp and relaxed against his dom’s solid body and his entire world revolves around Ryan’s quiet counting and obeying his demands of when to breathe and when not to. Ryan’s left hand is a safe shield guarding his neck and his right hand closes Scott’s nose and mouth when he doesn’t need to breathe and releases them when he does need to breathe.

Eventually, he notices that the hand around his nose and mouth has left and it’s gently rubbing his stomach. Ryan’s still counting, but every number is followed by an order to breathe and Scott’s automatically keeping pace with his voice in his ear.

Finally, Ryan reaches one for what feels like the millionth time and stops counting. “You okay, Scotty? We’re gonna stay here for a while and just let you relax. Are you floating?”

Scott shakes his head, his chin brushing against Ryan’s hand that’s still wrapped so reassuringly around his throat. “No. But I feel really good.”

“Did the voice stop?”

“Uh huh.” Oh, Scott feels amazing. To his surprise, he feels level-headed and energized. He loves that Ryan’s keeping one hand on his throat, gently wrapped around it and reminding him that he’s protecting Scott. “That—that was amazing.”

Ryan kisses his cheek and press a smile against his skin. “I’m glad it worked. You really feel good?”

“Oh, yeah. My head’s quiet and I feel in complete control of myself.” Twisting his head sideways, he reaches up his hand and pulls Ryan’s head around enough to kiss him and happily smiles at him. “Thank you,” he whispers.

Ryan smiles back at him. Scott knows Ryan was worried about trying something brand new like this, but Scott had meant it when he’d given Ryan permanent consent to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants to him or with him. He trusts Ryan completely.

“Also,” Scott whispers and gives Ryan another kiss. “I love you.”

Ryan nudges his nose with his own and kisses him back firmly. “I love you too.”

Then Scott relaxes against Ryan and he’s thrilled when Ryan re-adjusts his hand on his throat until it’s that perfect grip again, giving no indication that he’s taking his hand away any time soon.

Sighing happily, Scott relaxes and watches the suburban homes outside the window. Thank goodness the street is mostly empty and nobody had noticed what they were doing. Trying to explain that the situation had been completely consensual and that Scott’s life hadn’t been in danger at any point would have been difficult and very embarrassing.

“You wanna talk about what your anxiety was bugging you about?” Ryan whispers in his ear, rubbing his stomach with the hand not holding his throat.

That makes Scott tense up again and Ryan gently increases the pressure of both his hands. “Okay, shhh, shhh, relax. Never mind, we’re not gonna talk about it right now.”

But that reminds Scott that Ryan wants to talk about the collar when they go home after work and that threatens to make his anxiety rise again. But before it has the chance to regain control over Scott’s mind, he figures he’ll be proactive and find out what Ryan wants to discuss. “What did you wanna talk about when we’re at home?”

“Just stuff about when you wanna wear the collar. I thought we’d only use it during scenes, but if you wanna wear it more often, that’s great and I’d love that, but we gotta talk about ground rules. For example, we’ll talk about who brings the collar to who, how we’ll communicate when we want you to wear the collar and what our expectations are. Just simple stuff.”

Scott struggles to stay calm, but it’s much easier when he can constantly refocus on Ryan’s hand on his throat, protecting him. “Really? Just simple stuff?”

“Yup. I promise.”

* * *

Despite the threat of the collar discussion looming over him, Scott is calm for the rest of their shift. In fact, he feels better than calm; he’s energized and confident. He can’t stop grinning at Ryan as he drives them over to the street where they’ll discuss the Johnson case.

Ryan grins back at him. “You really feel okay? I figured it would work, but I—”

“It was amazing. I feel incredible. It’s like you barged into my head with the world biggest fire extinguisher and just doused that whole inferno in seconds. I love you so fucking much, Ryan Harris.”

Chuckling, Ryan get a big smile on his face and his eyes are shining. “We do good team work, Jenkins. We always have.”

Laughing, Scott turns down the street they need. “Yes, we do. Now, let’s get our thinking caps on, Detective Harris and see if we can figure this case out.”


	26. Chapter 26

When they arrive at Ryan’s apartment after work, Scott’s stomach is buzzing with excitement from the thought of getting to wear his collar again. He has no idea if Ryan wants to give him his collar and even if he doesn’t want Scott wearing it today, Scott refuses to let his anxiety run away with those thoughts. He reminds himself that Ryan loves him, Ryan’s on his side and Scott will take things one day at a time.

After putting away their guns and changing into sweatpants, Scott joins Ryan in the kitchen and helps him cook dinner. When they’re done eating, Ryan sits on the recliner and Scott relaxes on the couch. He firmly tells himself to stop thinking about his collar. His dom knows when Scott should be wearing his collar and it’s not Scott’s job to worry about it. He really wants to wear it again, but—not his job.

“So…we gotta talk about the collar.”

Scott tries to control his heart rate. “Uh huh.”

“Originally, I thought you’d only wanna wear it when we do scenes, but you liked wearing it while you were sleeping.”

Reminding himself to keep breathing, Scott tries not to nod too eagerly and look like an idiot. “Yeah…”

“Do…you wanna wear it other times too?”

Breathe, Jenkins. Breathe. “Yeah. Yeah, I really do.”

“Okay, that means we gotta talk about something else first.”

Scot frowns, not having expected a change in direction. “Okay…”

“I wanna talk about my old ‘don’t touch the chains’ rule. I don’t think it’s necessary anymore. What do you think?”

There’s a small smile on Scott’s face. “I’d like that. I like doing what you say, but…I’d really like to touch the chains. Would that apply to my collar too?”

Ryan nods. “Yeah. That’s what made me think about getting rid of that rule. I want you feeling free to touch the collar whenever you want, especially if you’re wearing it for long periods of time. I want you to be able to take it off or put it on yourself. I love doing it for you, but I don’t want you being restricted by a rule that I don’t need.”

Scott presses his lips together. “I really like it when you put the collar on me. But I also like the idea of having control over it myself.”

“Exactly. It’ll be the best of both worlds.”

“So…I can really touch the chains during scenes?”

Ryan smiles. “Yeah. You don’t have to, but I’m really confident that I can keep you safe. I also think you have more control over yourself than you did when we were starting out. You didn’t float while we were doing the breathing control thing today, so that’s a great sign. I trust you and I trust myself. The rest is up to you.”

Scott grins. “I like that.”

“Okay, good. Now, let’s talk about the collar some more. So when did you wanna wear it? Aside from scenes?”

Excitement wells up in his chest again and Scott’s trembling a bit. There’s only one answer to that question. “When would you _let_ me wear it?”

Ryan blinks and starts to smile. “Okay, better question: are there times when you don’t wanna wear it?”

Scott immediately shakes his head. “I’ll wear—I wanna—whenever you want me wearing the collar, that’s when I wanna wear it.”

Giving Scott a hard look, Ryan leans forward and props his hands on his knees. “Two-way street, Scotty, remember? I need to know what you want. Knowing what I want is only half the equation. Gimme your half of it and we’ll see if it fits together.”

Scott takes a deep breath, grabs his courage and decides to be honest. Ryan had said that’s the only way this’ll continue to work between them, so he has to try. “I wanna wear it all the time. But…you’re my dom and I wanna wear it when you want me to wear it.” Scott stares at Ryan, hoping he’ll solve this weird conundrum he’s stumbled into.

“Okay. So let’s hypothetically say that we both want you to wear collar whenever you’re here. From the time you come in the door until you leave.”

The mention of Scott having to leave wipes the smile off his face and he tenses, which Ryan must notice, because he frowns at him.

“You okay? Is that too much? I’m just saying hypotheticals. But you gotta give me more to work with. Do you only wanna wear the collar for an hour when you’re here? Three times a week? Only on nights when you’re sleeping here? I don’t wanna say something that’ll upset you, but I need you to communicate with me. You’re not giving me enough to go on.”

Briefly closing his eyes, Scott struggles to stay in control and keep his anxiety pushed back. Ryan wants Scott to tell him when he wants to wear the collar. Once Scott tells him, they can discuss it. But if Scott doesn’t open his mouth and use his words to communicate, nothing will happen. Come on, Jenkins!

It takes a few tries, but he finally finds his words. “I like the idea of wearing it whenever I’m here. However long that is.”

Ryan smiles and leans back in his chair, looking happy. “Okay. I really—I’d really like that.”

Hope sparks in his chest. “Really? You…wouldn’t mind?”

“Mind?! Seeing my sub wearing my collar? Are you kidding me? It’s torture not being able to see that collar on you during the day, but that’s something I’ll have to live with. But when we’re here at home? That would be amazing.”

“Really?” Scott’s voice is barely above a whisper, but he’s getting excited. This conversation is heading in a direction he likes.

Ryan’s nodding, looking thrilled. “Absolutely. But we gotta talk about some guidelines, okay?”

“Okay.” Scott doesn’t care what the guidelines are. He’ll do whatever Ryan wants, as long as he can maximize the amount of time he gets to wear his collar.

“First—when you’re wearing the collar, it’ll indicate that you wanna be submissive to me. It doesn’t mean you have to act submissively all the time, but if you’re wearing the collar and you act submissively, I’ll respond as your dom without discussing it with you.”

Scott’s heart lights up. “Yeah. Yeah, that’s what I want.”

“But I wanna make it clear that you being submissive can’t always lead to sex.”

Scott frowns, feeling a little worried. “I agree with that, but I don’t think I can stop myself from going a little under when I’m wearing it.”

Ryan gives him a soothing smile. “It’s fine if you’re a little under. You don’t even have to use your words if you don’t want to. But I want us to separate your submissiveness from sexual arousal. It’s fine if you’re experiencing both during scenes but I don’t want your body constantly craving sex when you’re being submissive or when you have the collar on. That would lead to problems, not to mention that it’ll keep your submissive experiences very one-dimensional.”

Scott nods, chewing on his lip. “I don’t want that. I love being in subspace but I don’t just wanna be a horny slut all the time.”

“You know I love it when you’re being a horny slut, but…”

“But you’re not just a cock and my libido shouldn’t always get first priority. I agree that it’s not healthy and…I don’t wanna be like that. I’ll work hard to control it, I promise. So you don’t mind me floating a bit when I’m wearing the collar?”

“No, not at all. That’s part of your submission and I love it. But that brings up another important point: if either of us aren’t feeling well, then we shouldn’t feel forced to deal with the collar and everything it represents.”

Scott nods. “I agree.” He hates the thought of Ryan feeling obligated to take care of him when Ryan’s not feeling well. He’s also not fond of the thought of being submissive to Ryan when Scott’s annoyed with him.

“So I think the best way to do it is for one of us to ask the other if you wanna wear the collar. The other person needs to give an honest answer and that’ll be the end of it. No complaining, no whining, no getting upset. That goes for both of us.”

“Yeah, I agree. I think that’s important and it’s fair.”

“I do too. So if you wanna wear the collar, you can always ask me and if I say yes, then you can bring me the collar or you can put it on yourself. I wanna make it clear that you can initiate it whenever you want. You don’t have to wait for me to ask if you wanna wear it.”

“Do…you mind putting it on me? I really like the idea of my dom putting it on me.”

Ryan gives him a soft smile. “Every single time you let me to put that collar on you, it’ll be a fucking honor, Jenkins. Every. Single. Time. But if I’m gonna be home late or something else is going on, you can put the collar on yourself if it’ll make you happy. I don’t wanna introduce any rules that’ll complicate things.”

Scott smiles. “Thanks, but I’d rather wait for my dom to put it on me. That feels…right.”

Ryan smiles and his eyes are glowing. “Okay.” Then he gets serious again. “Oh, there’s one more thing. There are certain situations where I don’t want you wearing the collar because we have to be on equal ground: kink negotiations, scene prep and if we’re talking about our relationship, like we are now. I don’t want there to be any confusion about power dynamics when we’re having these conversations. I think that’s really important. You need to know that you’re an equal voice in these discussions. That’s really important to me.”

Scott grins. He doesn’t care if he has an equal voice in any discussion with Ryan since he trusts Ryan to make any and all decisions for him, but it’s nice that his dom insists on Scott having that right. More importantly, he’s going to force Scott to use his equal voice even if Scott doesn’t really want to. Maybe Scott’s attitude about the whole thing isn’t completely healthy and it’s probably a result of his history so it feels amazing to know that his dom won’t allow Scott to unintentionally hurt himself. “Okay.”

Ryan gives him a long look. “Yeah? You’re okay with all that?”

Scott nods. “Absolutely.”

It’s on the tip of Scott’s tongue to take advantage of their new arrangement and ask Ryan if he can wear his collar now…but then he pauses. It had been bad enough taking the collar off this morning, but the thought of only getting to wear it for a few hours, then having to take it off to drive home in the dark and sleep in his empty, cold apartment fills him with a sadness so severe that he wants to cry. That won’t work for him. That won’t work at all.

This whole discussion had been wonderful, but it doesn’t really matter how often he gets to wear the collar when he’s here. If he has to take it off and go home at the end of the night, his days will always end with darkness and sadness.

“Scotty? What’s wrong?”

“I…I want…I…” Shit. There go his words.

Hands appear on his knees and when he looks up, Ryan’s kneeling in front of him, looking at him with concern. “You went really pale and tense all of a sudden. Try telling me what’s wrong or we’ll do the breathing thing again.”

The reminder that Ryan can help vanquish the sadness in his heart and the anxiety that’s welling up gives Scott enough strength to blurt out what he needs to say. It’s not what he wants to say but it’s what he needs to say. Maybe Ryan will hate him for it, maybe Ryan will laugh, maybe it’ll scare Ryan—but Scott needs to get it out into the open because the alternative isn’t one he can live with. “I don’t wanna go home,” he whispers, his voice shaking.

Ryan stares at him. “Now? You don’t have to go home now.”

Scott shakes his head. “No. I mean—I can’t—it’s hard to take the collar off.” Jesus is it ever. But Scott refuses to put his real insecurities into words and tell Ryan that he gets upset whenever the collar comes off because he’s scared Ryan will never put it on him again. That’s pathetic. Instead, he’ll use the same lie he’d told Ryan this morning. “It makes me feel…weird when it comes off. I’m fine after a while, but I can’t take it off and drive home in the dark and spend the whole night by myself. That—I can’t handle that. So maybe I shouldn’t…maybe I shouldn’t wear the collar unless it’s the weekend and I’m spending the night here?”

Just the thought of only getting to wear his collar once or twice a week is enough to bring on a new but different wave of sadness, but it might be necessary in order to keep things moving smoothly as long as possible. That’s important because Scott’s new plan of not being a clingy, needy slut needs to continue moving forward.

Ryan squeezes his thighs. “Or you can never go home. You can stay here all the time and then you only have to take it off in the morning when we go to work. And we’ll be together at work.”

Scott jerks his eyes up to Ryan’s face and stares at him with wide eyes, his breath catching in his throat. Is Ryan really suggesting—!

Ryan’s eyes have widened and he’s gone pale. “Fuck, sorry. Jesus! I shouldn’t have—shit!” Ryan closes his eyes and lets out an angry breath. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have blurted that out. Please don’t freak out, okay? I know it’s way too soon and I should have kept my damn mouth shut and—”

“Are you saying you’ll let me live here with you?” Scott whispers, his throat tight. He can barely breathe because he’s hopeful and terrified and excited all at the same time.

The words seem to freeze in Ryan’s throat and he stares up at Scott with wide eyes. “Would…you… _wanna_ live here with me?”

Cautiously—just in case he’s misjudged this whole thing and it’s about to blow up in his face—Scott nods, staring at Ryan with eyes that he’s sure are just as wide as Ryan’s. “Yeah. I’d…really like that,” he whispers.

“Really?” Ryan whispers back, his voice shaking as much as Scott’s.

Scott keeps nodding. “Uh huh.”

“As in—forever? You wanna live with me forever?”

“Uh huh…do—do _you_ want me to live with you forever?”

It’s Ryan’s turn to nod frantically. “Yeah. Yeah, I really do. I really, really do. Fuck! Scotty, please tell me you’re serious. You better not be fucking around with me right now.”

If there was any doubt that Ryan’s emotions are sky-high, his liberal use of profanity tells Scott he’s being completely serious. And isn’t it just hilarious that he’s telling Scott he wants to do something that’ll make Scott’s life feel complete and Ryan’s assuming Scott’s the one who’s kidding?

“I’m not fucking around, I swear. I love being here. This place feels like home to me in a way my own apartment never has. I love being here with you. I love sleeping in your bed with you and sitting on this couch and cooking in your kitchen and doing scenes in the play room. I feel safe when I’m here. And it would be a dream come true if I’m allowed to live here with you.”

Ryan’s staring at him, desperate hope shining in his eyes. “Of course you’re allowed! Of course you’re—so you wanna move in with me? Officially? So you never have to leave?”

Scott nods frantically. “Yeah. Is…that what you want too?”

Huffing out a weak laugh, Ryan briefly closes his eyes, shaking. Taking a deep breath, he blows it out and opens his eyes again, staring intensely at Scott. “I would be the luckiest guy on the planet if you let me share my home with you. I’ll give you the perfect home, I promise. You’ll feel safe and comfortable and I’ll spend every minute making you happy.”

Smiling, Scott bends down and presses his forehead to Ryan’s. “I already feel happy and safe here. This place has felt like home to me for months. And half my crap’s here already anyway.”

Ryan laughs, but it’s a bit shaky and Scott slides down from the couch to hug him tight. He stares around the living room as he rubs Ryan’s back, staring at the television that’s playing a random movie and Ryan’s computer sitting on the coffee table. This is now his home. After so long, he’ll finally have a home again, full of love and warmth. Pressing his face against Ryan’s shoulder, he takes a deep breath, shaking with joy.

When Ryan’s calmed down, Scott leans back a bit. Ryan’s clinging to him and his eyes look bright but Scott can tell from the way he’s got his arms wrapped around Scott that it’ll be just as important for Ryan to see Scott wearing his collar tonight as it’ll be for Scott to wear the collar. And the best part is that Scott will be able to wear the collar until tomorrow morning!

Kissing Ryan, Scott tilts his head and licks his way into Ryan’s mouth, feeling his arms cling harder to Scott as he deepens the kiss. Scott’s heart is glowing and he tries to pour the love he’s feeling right now into his kisses. But Scott remembers his promise not to turn the situation sexual and he pulls back and calms Ryan’s kisses when he starts getting a bit too excited. “Ryan?”

“Hmm?”

“Can I wear my collar?”

Ryan smiles against his lips. “Of course you can. Let me grab it cause I gotta get you something else.”

Scott frowns, but watches him go into the play room, then into the bedroom. He’s carrying the collar chain with the padlock dangling from it, but he’s also carrying a key. It’s not the key for the collar’s padlock. Instead, it’s a much larger key, typically used for doors.

A lump grows in Scott’s throat when it dawns on him that it must be Ryan’s spare apartment key.

Sitting on the couch, Ryan holds up the collar in one hand and the key in the other. “Ready?”

Without even thinking about it, Scott sinks to his knees in front of Ryan, clasping his hands behind his back and bowing his head. He’s barely doing it consciously; it just feels right. The order of things feels right too—first his collar, then the key to his dom’s apartment.

Ryan sucks in a breath and his hand gently runs through his hair as he kisses Scott’s temple and clicks open the padlock of the collar, bringing the chain towards Scott.

Closing his eyes, Scott focuses on the sensations as the cool metal chain is gently wrapped around his neck and his dom’s hands attach the heavy padlock and click it shut. His chin is lifted and Ryan’s smiling at him as he pulls the padlock around, letting it rest on Scott’s chest. Scott can feel the solid metal chain, the heavy padlock and just knowing that it’s locked around his neck and nobody can remove it except his dom fills him with joy.

For the first time, he lifts his hands and runs them over the cool metal links of the chain, sliding his hands around his throat and feeling the collar wrapped around his neck. Closing his eyes, he feels so peaceful as he tugs on the heavy padlock and plays with the metal links being held together by the metal lock, feeling how securely the collar is locked around his neck. His wonderful, strong chains are wrapped around his neck, keeping him safe and shielding him from things that want to hurt him. And it was put there by his dom, who’s an even bigger, stronger shield.

“You still like it?” Ryan asks him quietly.

Scott opens his eyes and grins, sure that he’s glowing. “I love it so much. I can’t even describe how amazing it feels.”

Ryan grins back, then he holds up the apartment key.

Even more intense emotions rush through Scott as he holds out his shaking hand, palm up.

“Here’s your key, Scotty. _Your_ key. Not my key that I’m letting you borrow. _Your_ key to _your_ home.”

The key is put into his hand and Ryan curls Scott’s hand over it, sealing it into his hand.

Scott kneels there, touching the solid, metal collar with one hand and the solid, metal key in his other hand and something settles deep inside Scott and he feels whole. Both of these items are so strong, made out of materials that nobody can tear apart, nobody can crush, nobody can pretend they’re irrelevant. It’s so poetic that the key to his new home is made out of metal, just like his collar.

It occurs to him that the only thing that would make the situation even more perfect would be if he were allowed to be naked…

…Scott blinks and that thought makes his brain grind to a halt. What the hell?!

The thought should make him feel weird and at least a bit ashamed, but it doesn’t. He just feels deep in his gut that he’d feel even better if he weren’t wearing any clothes. Not for sex purposes, but just because he doesn’t want to be wearing clothes. His dom should be wearing clothes but Scott shouldn’t. That’s how things should be. It’s amazing that half of Scott is panicking at this weird revelation while the other half of his brain is acting like this is a completely normal thought to have.

But this has been a very, very big day and Scott doesn’t want to add any other complications to it.

“Scotty? You okay?”

Pushing all weird thoughts of clothes—or lack of clothes—out of his head, Scott looks up at Ryan and focuses on the chain on his neck and the key in his hand. “I’m good.”

Ryan smiles, but looks a bit worried. “Okay. You sure?”

“Yeah. I just had a weird thought, but it’s fine. It’s not important.”

“A weird one or an anxious one?”

“A weird one. You know my brain becomes soup when I’m floating. I think my brain’s a bit confused cause I’m wearing the collar but there won’t be any sex happening, but it’ll get used to it.”

Ryan smiles. “Come on, let’s watch a movie. I’m hoping my octopus will join me.”

Getting off the couch, Ryan puts the padlock key onto the coffee table and sits on the recliner, puts up the chair legs and spreads his arms.

Smiling softly, Scott follows him. “Your octopus is always happy to cuddle with you, you know that.”

“That’s cause my octopus is a smart octopus.”

Before climbing into Ryan’s lap, Scott carefully puts his new key right beside the padlock key and smiles down at them. Two of the most important objects in Scott’s world, side by side.

Grinning, Scott climbs onto Ryan and settles between Ryan’s legs with his back against Ryan’s front. Ryan’s arms wrap around him and rub his belly. That’s perfect, but what would make it even more perfect would be…

Well, two things. The first would be if Scott were naked. Which he’d already told himself he wouldn’t keep thinking about tonight. The other would be Ryan’s hand were on his throat. That wouldn’t be a weird request. Ryan’s done it a number of times already during both sexual and non-sexual situations and he’s never seemed to mind.

Scott really, really wants…but hasn’t he made enough demands already? But he…if he’s being too…but it’s not—

Before his mind can start running in circles again, he grabs his courage and blurts out the words he wants to say. “Can you—would you—can you please wrap a hand around my neck? If…if you want to. Please?”

Ryan chuckles lightly, the sound vibrating through them both and one of Ryan’s hands slides up his shirt and gently wraps around his neck, settling right above the collar.

Sighing happily, Scott settles back against Ryan solid chest, his own pulse thudding against Ryan’s fingers and Ryan’s warm, strong hand around his neck and the cool metal of the collar underneath.

Ryan takes his other hand off Scott’s stomach and picks up the remote from the armrest and starts flipping through the guide. “What do you wanna watch?” he murmurs in Scott’s ear.

Scott shrugs. He’d be happy not even watching anything. He’s floating just a little and he already feels amazing. “Whatever you want.”

“Okay.” Ryan picks a movie that neither of them has seen in years and skips back to start it from the beginning.

As the opening credits scroll down the screen, Ryan rubs his stomach and kisses his temple. “Hey, Scotty?”

“Hmm?”

“Guess what?”

“What?”

“Welcome home,” Ryan whispers into his ear.

Scott can’t stop smiling for almost the entire movie.


	27. Chapter 27

“I still can’t believe this is all you have,” Ryan says, shoving through his—no, _their_ —apartment door with three boxes in his arms.

Following Ryan with his own arms full of boxes, Scott makes a face. “Yeah, I never accumulated a lot of stuff over the years.”

His old apartment had come furnished and Scott’s never felt the desire to buy a lot of other things. There hadn’t been anything wrong with his old apartment, but he’d never liked how empty and lonely it had felt living there. Due to his dislike of the place, he’d never had a strong desire to make it more homey, which kept it a barren and cold place. It had been one of the many dark downward spirals Scott’s experienced in his life and he’s hoping he won’t have to deal with any other ones.

But as he’s walking to the bedroom with his boxes, that voice pipes up in his head again. It reminds him that Ryan could change his mind at any time, take his collar away, kick Scott out and then Scott would be—

No, no, no! Stop! Not today. Today, he’s moving into his new home and that’s a happy occasion and his stupid anxiety doesn’t have the right to ruin this day. His anxiety isn’t wrong and all those things it keeps saying will probably happen one of these days, but Scott refuses to dwell on it today. Instead, he focuses on putting down the boxes and tearing them open. Keeping busy always keeps the voice quiet.

Ryan’s bent over one of the open boxes, sorting through Scott’s clothes. “You wanna grab some hangers?”

“Sure.”

As they work, Scott keeps looking over at Ryan, taking his clothes out of the boxes and putting them into his— _their_ —closet and drawers. He’s doing it so casually, as if this whole thing isn’t a big deal. It might not be for Ryan, but it’s definitely a big deal for Scott. That reminds Scott that he needs to discuss something important with Ryan. “Hey, Harris?”

“Hmm?”

“Is it okay if I do a payment plan for this month’s rent?”

Ryan stops, a shirt in his hands and frowns at Scott. “What?”

Digging through the box he’s unpacking, Scott finally manages to find his favorite shirt for sleeping and tosses it onto the bed. “I already paid for rent on my old place for this month and I can’t afford to pay my half of the rent on this place too. Well, I can in the future, but I can’t do it this month. At least, not all at once. Can we split my share of this month’s rent into smaller payments and I’ll cover them over the next few months? I did the math and I can cover in within three months.”

The only reason he knows what Ryan’s monthly mortgage payment, strata fees and property taxes are is because two years ago, it had been time for Ryan to re-negotiate his mortgage and he, Scott and Claire had spent hours on the phone with each other discussing what he should do.

Ryan chuckles. “You don’t have to pay rent.”

Scott glances at him where he’s rummaging through his box. “Yes, I do.”

“Do you mean you have to because you think you should or because you think I think you should? Because I honestly don’t care. As long as you’re chipping in with groceries—especially the enormous increase in mayo-related spending that’ll start happening—I don’t care about the rest. I’ve been paying these bills for years and I’m fine.”

Sighing, Scott stands up and looks at him. He definitely needs to tell Ryan about his past. “I need to be paying my share of the bills, Ryan. That’s really important to me. I—” He takes a deep breath and decides to dive right into it so he won’t lose his words. “I got into huge financial debt after my parents died.”

Ryan stares at him and slowly sits down on the bed, probably not having expected the conversation to get so serious so quickly. Scott feels a bit bad about just diving right in, but he wants to tell Ryan the truth and he knows by now that if he waits too long, his anxiety will steal his words and Ryan deserves to know why it’s so important for Scott to be paying his share of the bills.

But Scott decides Ryan doesn’t need to know all the ridiculous details, so he skips over how he spent months sitting in his parent’s empty house with only his depression and anxiety for company and he’d nearly starved himself to death without even noticing. If it hadn’t been for the owners of the video store he’d been renting porn videos from who had sent the paramedics to his house after he’d called the store and gone on a nonsensical rant at them, he would have died. It wasn’t a matter of ‘if’ but a matter of ‘when’. But all of that would only upset Ryan and it’s all in the past. Scott won’t ever get that low again and there’s no use upsetting Ryan unnecessarily. It’s best to stick to the important details.

“It’s a long story and I don’t wanna get into it right now, but I really wasn’t doing well and I ended up in the hospital for a while. They helped me, but the bills were huge and I left before I was fully recovered because I didn’t wanna rack up more bills. I also hadn’t taken care of any of the house bills either and those piled up too. I had trouble finding a job because my head wasn’t in a good place so I was living off credit cards for a while and that made the debt grow too.”

He takes a big breath. “Anyway, I finally paid off the last of the debt three years ago and I’m really proud that I’m financially stable these days and I wanna keep it that way. That’s why it’s important to me to pay my share of the bills.”

Ryan’s staring at him, his eyes sad. “I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

Scott gives him a small smile. “Not your fault.”

“No, but it still sucks.”

Taking a deep breath, Scott nods because yes, it did suck.

Ryan gives him a soft smile. “But also, I’m really proud of you for digging yourself outta that hole. Not just the financial one, but all of them. That takes a lot of strength.”

Scott makes a face and shrugs. “I still kinda blame myself for the whole thing so I can’t make myself feel proud about that. But I do feel proud about leaving the debt behind.”

Ryan reaches out and pulls Scott close, tugging until Scott climbs onto his lap and Ryan can wrap his arms around him. Scott automatically winds his arms around Ryan’s neck and relaxes against him.

Ryan kisses his neck. “You’re amazing, Scotty,” Ryan mumbles into his neck. “You’re so damn strong and amazing and I’m proud that I get to share my life with me. I wish you could appreciate how amazing you are the way I do.”

Smiling sadly against Ryan’s shoulder, Scott nuzzles his shirt. “I wish I could too. I think I’m getting a bit better. I feel better about myself these days than I have since my parents died.”

Ryan’s arms squeeze him tight. “I know. I can tell and I’m proud of you for that. But even if you don’t ever see yourself the way I see you, that’s okay. I’m gonna keep loving you and filling you up with love and laughter and cum and whatever else you need for the rest of your life.”

Chuckling, Scott clings to Ryan and kisses his neck. “I love you.”

Ryan laughs as he rubs Scott’s back. Once they’ve both calmed down, Ryan shifts a bit. “So I’m happy if it makes you happy to pay your share of the bills, but I don’t think it’s fair for you to pay this month’s rent.”

“We can do a payment plan. I told you, I did the math and—”

“No, I mean, I don’t think it’s fair for you to pay any rent on this place for this month.”

Frowning, Scott pulls back. “Why?”

Ryan raises an eyebrow at him but keeps his arms around his back so Scott doesn’t fall off his lap. “You already paid rent this month, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, but not on this place.” Scott chuckles. “Just because I decided to move out on the sixth day of the month doesn’t mean I shouldn’t pay rent where I’m actually living. I could have just waited until the end of the month and then moved in.”

“And you’d have spent another three weeks in that empty, depressing apartment that we both always hated. Living there sucks the joy out of you and I want you to be in a place where you feel good. Waiting until the end of the month would have made both of us miserable.”

Scott stares at him. “But I—”

“The way I see it, we both already paid to have a roof over our heads for the month, right?”

“I—”

“Right?”

Scott makes a face, but he sees what Ryan’s getting at. “I guess.”

“There’s no ‘I guess’ about it. We both paid the cost to keep a roof over our heads for the month. It doesn’t matter if the roof you paid for isn’t the one you’re sleeping under. You could have spent the rest of the month living here while your five boxes of clothes and other things stayed in the sad place but we decided to be kind and rescue your five boxes of long-suffering things early. If you want, you can pretend that you’re not officially moved in until midnight on the first of the next month. But I don’t really see the point of that.”

Scott acknowledges that Ryan’s making good points. “Okay, but I wanna chip in for the other bills.”

Ryan nods. “Sure. Electric will be due on the tenth and internet and TV will be due on the 25th. We’ll split them fifty-fifty when we get the bills.”

Smiling, Scott feels a rush of relief. “Okay. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Now come on—” Ryan smacks his ass. “—let’s get back to unpacking.”

Grinning, Scott climbs off Ryan and goes back to his box. When he digs around in the box, he finds something solid wrapped up in one of his sweaters. Knowing exactly what it is, he quickly unwraps the sweater and sees a framed photo of his parents and himself.

This is one of his favorite pictures. His parents are smiling and standing with ten-year old him in between them. They’d gone to the beach and they’re all covered in sand and his dad and Scott’s blond hair is shining in the sunlight while his mom’s short, dark hair is sticking up every which way.

Ryan presses up behind him and wrap his arms around him. “I know I’ve told you this a million times, but you’re the spitting image of your dad. Jesus. Looking at that photo is like looking at you right now. It’s like there’s little you and big you in the same photo.”

Scott chuckles.

“You guys look really happy. Where is that—the beach?”

“Uh huh. My dad was transferred to LA for a few months and we went to the beach as soon as we arrived. We didn’t even check in with base housing, we just drove straight to the beach. Dad got into a bit of trouble for that, but we were all excited. We’d been in so many different places but we’d never been close to the beach before.”

“How old were you?”

“Ten.” He touches his parents’ smiles and remembers how happy they’d all been that day. “We built a military base out of sand and dad said we needed troops to guard the base, so mom and I went to the car and dug out my collection of plastic military figures. You know those little toy things?”

Ryan makes an affirmative noise against his neck.

“We put them all over the base and dad found some seashells and pretended to attack the base and mom and I had to defend it.”

Chuckling, Ryan kisses his neck. “Who won?”

“Oh, once mom and I got coordinated, we overwhelmed dad’s attack and we flattened him. Literally. He was sprawled out on the sand and mom and I dumped sand on him to finish him off. But I’m pretty sure dad wasn’t trying that hard to win.”

Scott can’t tear his eyes off his smiling parents. He hates that his parents will never get to meet Ryan and that they’ll never know that Ryan’s finally helped Scott get his life back on track. He’s glad they don’t know about the darker things that had happened to him, but he hates that he can’t share his accomplishments with them. His graduation from the academy and his promotion to detective had been bittersweet enough, but it really hurts that his parents never knew the man he’s unofficially married to and they never will.

Ryan tightens his arms around him. “You wanna put that picture on the bedside table? You’ll see it every morning,” Ryan murmurs against his neck.

Blinking hard, Scott nods. Ryan releases him and Scott walks to the bedside table and carefully puts the picture down next to a photo of Ryan and Claire.

Ryan sits on the bed and smiles in the direction of the photos. “It looks great. The whole family’s together, huh?”

Smiling softly, Scott steps between Ryan’s legs, lifts his chin and kisses him. “They would have loved you,” he whispers.

Ryan kisses him back and wraps his arms around Scott. “I’m gonna spend the rest of my life making sure I keep earning their approval, I promise.”

Scott stares at him. “I love you. You know that, right?”

Nodding, Ryan gives him that soft, half-smile. “I know. I love you too.”

Bending down, Scott kisses him, letting the sadness in his heart slowly be washed away by the warmth of Ryan’s kisses.

* * *

They finish re-arranging the apartment the next day after work. Scott really didn’t have a lot of stuff, but he did have a few other photos of his parents that he wanted to hang up.

Ryan had decided this was a sign that it was time for him to re-decorate. He told Scott he’d always hated the fake plants and landscape photos all over his walls and their main purpose had been to hide the play room. Now, there’s no reason to hide the room any more.

They never lock the play room door anymore and even if somebody comes over, they can tell people that one bedroom is Scott’s and the other is Ryan’s. It’s nobody’s business what’s actually in the bedrooms or what they do in them.

So they take down all the things Ryan had hated and replace them with Scott’s photos and other things that Ryan had always wanted to hang up but never got around to it.

When they’re done, it really feels like the apartment belongs to both of them. Their clothes are side by side in the bedroom closet, Scott’s few dishes have joined Ryan’s in the cupboards and photos of both of their lives are mixed together on the walls.

* * *

Following their successful conversation about the bills, Scott can’t stop thinking about it. Every time he’s wanted to tell Ryan something important, it’s been hard to have that conversation, but it always ended up going well and Scott always feels so much lighter afterwards.

It’s making him reconsider his decision not to tell Ryan some of the details about his past. It’s not that Ryan needs to know these things, but Scott’s suddenly filled with a desperate urge tell Ryan about them. The only thing holding him back is the desire not to hurt Ryan. The details he’d skipped over are dark and full of pain and hearing them will upset Ryan. His desire to tell Ryan about these things is really kind of selfish, but he wants to talk about them.

When he tells Ryan that he wants to talk about something important but painful and it’s related to his past, Ryan’s immediate response is asking Scott where and when he wants to have the conversation.

And it’s actually very nice that Scott has trouble picking a spot and time because he has so many opportunities to talk to Ryan and so many wonderful places in their apartment that he feels safe in. He finally decides he wants to talk while cuddling with Ryan on the couch. He’s already wearing his collar, but he goes into the play room and puts on his wrist cuffs, wanting all the comfort he can get during this conversation.

Ryan’s already lying on the couch with his shirt off and he opens his arms as Scott approaches. “I’m ready to spend time with my octopus.”

As always, that makes Scott smile and he pulls off his own shirt and climbs on top of Ryan, making himself comfortable against Ryan’s warm, solid body. Ryan pull the heavy padlock of his collar around to the back of Scott’s neck and hooks the fingers of one hand into it, adding a bit of pressure to the chain around Scott’s throat, which makes his smile grow.

Ryan’s other arm wraps around Scott’s back and Ryan slings one of his legs over Scott’s, enveloping him in Ryan’s warmth and love.

Scott can’t stop smiling as he digs his hands a little under Ryan’s back, the cuffs pressing against his wrists as he nuzzles Ryan’s neck.

“Comfortable?” Ryan asks.

It’s the best feeling in the world to know that if Scott said ‘no’ or made even the most ridiculous request to change something, Ryan would react immediately and give Scott whatever he needs to feel good. Jesus, Scott’s the luckiest person in the world. “I’m fantastic.”

Ryan kisses the side of his head and gently pulls the padlock back and forth, just because he likes doing it and he knows Scott loves it.

Scott could happily lie here all day, being an octopus and letting his dom play with the collar he’d locked around Scott’s neck, but he really does want to tell Ryan about his past. Remembering what he’s about to tell Ryan makes the smile slide off his face and he sighs softly. “This isn’t gonna be a nice conversation,” he mumbles.

Ryan takes a deep breath and his arm tightens against Scott’s back. “Yeah, I know. Take your time.”

Unfortunately, taking his time will allow his anxiety to move in and replace the comfortable glow that’s surrounding him and Scott doesn’t want that. It’s best just to launch right in. Feeling Ryan’s solid body surrounding him, the cuffs wrapped around his wrists and his wonderful collar around his throat with his dom’s fingers tightly holding it helps keep him centered and gives him the courage to start talking.

“After my parents died, I wasn’t doing well. Especially after my aunt left and I was completely by myself. You know that, but the details are what’s important. I just sat in my parents’ house and didn’t do anything. Whenever I thought about my parents, I’d feel this crushing, dark sadness or I’d get angry. I was so mad that they’d left me. I didn’t have anybody to talk to and my brain just ran away with the anger and I started blaming them, thinking they’d left me on purpose because they hated me. I got so mad one day that I tore up a bunch of photos of them and threw them out. My mom had collected these little porcelain figurines and I broke all of them and threw out my dad’s military medals.”

Scott takes a deep breath and tries to swallow the lump of bitter regret that’s clogging his throat. He hadn’t regretted destroying those things until months later and the realization of what he’d done had nearly killed him.

“You—you wondered why I don’t have a lot of stuff and that’s part of it. Anyway, I just sat in the house and spent all day crying or being angry and breaking things. I ate whatever was in the house and I didn’t even know how much time was passing. I didn’t go outside for months. I tried watching movies but I couldn’t stand watching any movies that my parents had really liked. Watching happy movies sucked because it made me sad. I’d get so jealous watching those people on the screen being happy with their happy lives and being with other happy people who loved them and hugged them whenever they wanted. But watching sad movies made me sad too. Action movies were good for a while, but my brain started slowing down. The explosions and things got overwhelming and I couldn’t keep track of plotlines anymore. A movie wouldn’t even be a quarter of the way done and I’d realize I’d been staring at the screen but I had no idea what was going on.”

Ryan’s breathing a bit harder and he’s shaking a bit, but he stays quiet and keeps being a strong shield that’s wrapped around Scott and giving him the courage to keep going.

“We had a couple movies that my parents had never let me watch and I decided to watch all of them just to spite them. I can’t remember what most of them were about cause I couldn’t track the plotlines, but there was one that had a sex scene in it and I really liked that. Getting turned on was the first emotion I’d felt in weeks that wasn’t sadness or anger. So I started ordering tons of porn videos from the nearby video store. I paid them extra to deliver the movies and that’s what I’d spend my entire day watching.”

Time for the bit that’s a little embarrassing, but not as embarrassing as the stuff later on. Surprisingly, Scott doesn’t actually feel that embarrassed, despite his anxiety telling him he should. “I noticed after a while, I wasn’t getting turned on anymore. Even if I tried masturbating, nothing would happen. But I still really liked watched the porn. For some reason, I felt like the people in the videos were there in the house with me and it was so nice watching them making each other feel good. I started having these really weird thoughts. I remember I was convinced that the porn people were using my bed, so I had to stay in the armchair I was sitting in. I wasn’t upset by that, I was happy that they were in my house with me. I’m sorry—I know that makes no sense.”

“You were severely depressed, Scotty,” Ryan says quietly. “Your brain was doing all sorts of weird things and that’s normal.”

Scott feels so grateful that Ryan’s being as understanding and kind as he always is when Scott tells him about the weird things his brain sometimes does. His heart knows that Ryan won’t reject him because of this, even if his anxiety is trying to convince him otherwise. Gone are any thoughts of shame. He wants to share the story with Ryan and he knows Ryan won’t judge him for it. “You know, that’s how I got into BDSM.”

“Hmm?”

“The videos. I didn’t know anything about BDSM, but I’d gone through practically every porn video the store had. I wasn’t watching it to get turned on, so I didn’t care if it was straight or gay porn, so I figured I might as well watch all the videos they had. As soon as I watched the BDSM ones and saw people getting tied up, it actually made me feel something again. At that point, I didn’t feel very much anymore, but I Ioved seeing people getting tied up. I knew that would feel so good and I wanted that so badly.”

He feels Ryan’s fingers tangled in the chain around his neck and the slight pressure as the chain digs into his throat and Scott smiles happily. No matter what happened in the past, he’s currently living what he’d only ever dreamed of and that gives him the strength to keep going.

“Anyway, so I thought I was pretty happy with things. I had my videos and I spent all day sitting in my chair and watching them over and over again. But then things started going downhill. Not that things weren’t already going downhill, but my brain hadn’t realized how bad things really were.”

“What happened?”

“The video store wanted the BDSM videos back and I refused. I got so angry at them. I thought they were my videos and they were the only thing making me feel good and now they were trying to steal them from me. I’m pretty sure they thought I was nuts, but eventually they gave up. But I was so worried that they’d break into my house and take the videos back that I wanted to find some back ups. That’s when I went online and found some porn sites. You remember, pickings were slim back then.”

“Yeah, I remember.”

“These were the early days of the internet, but I dug up every single porn site I could find and paid whatever costs they wanted so I could keep watching videos. But eventually, the videos stopped making me feel good. I’d just sit there and stare at them but I wouldn’t feel anything anymore. I kept watching them because my brain was convinced that I had to let the videos play or the people in them would disappear—or something like that. So I’d just sit there, day after day and let the videos play, but mostly I just stared at the screen without actually seeing it. That’s when I started spending a lot of time sleeping. I was already spending a lot of time sleeping, but that’s when it got really bad. I’d be awake for a little while and fall asleep again. I had no idea what time it was or how many days were passing. I only moved if I had to start the video again, if I had to go pee or when I got thirsty enough that I had to get up to refill my glass.”

He feels Ryan slightly tighten his grip in the collar and around his back and it sends another rush of warmth through him. Scott’s starting to feel a bit upset now that they’re getting to the hard part of the story, but Ryan’s presence helps keep him calm.

“This one time, I was in my chair and I was eating mustard out of a bottle and stale chips from a bag I’d found in the back of the cupboard. At that point, I was barely hungry and food tasted like nothing, so I didn’t care what I ate or when. I remember noticing that it was Monday. I don’t remember why I noticed that, but it’s important. I spent a while staring at the videos, eating the mustard and a few chips and sleeping a lot. Then I remember looking at the date on the computer and realizing it was suddenly Friday.”

Ryan goes tense and Scott can feel his breathing getting choppy. Reaching up a hand, Scott gently explores Ryan’s face without lifting his head. Ryan’s jaw is clenched and he’s shaking. “You okay? Want me to stop?”

“No, keep—keep going,” Ryan whispers. “I’m upset because this is hard to hear, but I wanna keep listening.”

That’s great because Scott needs to keep talking. He has a sudden urge to get these words out and share them with somebody who isn’t being paid to listen to him. Taking a deep breath, he gets ready for the hard part. He’d spent so long floating in a haze of depression that he hadn’t been aware of how bad things had really gotten and the realization had been very scary.

“I looked down at the bottle of mustard and realized it was still half-full and I hadn’t finished the bag of chips. I knew that wasn’t normal. Apparently, I’d spent five days sitting in my chair, barely eating anything and I didn’t feel hungry. But I realized why I was so tired and why I was sleeping all the time. I was starving myself to death without realizing it. I was slowly dying.”

Ryan shudders and his hand is clutching the collar so hard that it’s starting to dig into Scott’s throat a little too much. “Ryan, ease up on the collar a bit, please.”

Immediately, Ryan releases the collar. “Shit, sorry,” he mumbles, his voice rough.

“It’s okay. You can put your hand back, just…a little lighter. Not too much lighter, just a bit.”

Ryan seems to decide that it’ll be safer to just hold his hand against the back of Scott’s neck, pressing the warm metal of the collar and padlock against Scott’s neck. He keeps shaking and Scott rubs his face against Ryan’s neck and kisses it, trying to soothe him. “I didn’t die. You know that. I’m right here.”

“I know,” Ryan mumbles. “That only makes this a little bit better. I can’t believe you had to suffer through that.”

“I remember the dying part didn’t really concern me. My brain wasn’t working right anymore. But one thing did bother me. I realized when I died—because it wasn’t a matter of ‘if’, it was just a matter of ‘when’—nobody would notice. Absolutely nobody. I’d just go to sleep one day and never wake up and my body would stay in the chair and nobody would notice.”

Ryan lets out a pained sound and Scott slides one hand up to Ryan’s face again. He feels Ryan turn his head enough to nuzzle his hand and the cuff on his wrist and Scott keeps it there, hopefully a good reminder that Scott’s fine, Scott’s alive and Ryan gets to keep taking care of him for the rest of his life, no matter how bad things had been in the past

“I realized nobody cared about what would happen to me. If I did nothing, I’d die. At that point, I was still really angry at my parents and the rest of the world and I got really pissed off because I was convinced that everybody was eagerly waiting for me to die. My parents, the video store people, even the people in the porn videos. They’d all been manipulating me and trying to trick me into slowly killing myself. I thought it was all a game and I decided I wasn’t gonna let them win. I’d switch back and forth between being angry that they wanted me to die and feeling sorry for myself because nobody cared that I would die. I know those are completely contradictory, but that’s how my brain worked back then. I think that’s when anxiety had started taking hold of me and fucking around with my brain even more. Sometimes I still get stupid thoughts that make no fucking sense.”

It sounds so stupid to put his crazy thoughts from back then into words, but he actually feels himself getting lighter the more he talks. Maybe getting these thoughts out of his head and sending them out into the void will keep them from clogging up his head. And talking about it isn’t hard because he’s surrounded by Ryan.

“I decided I wasn’t gonna let them win and I was gonna fight to live. I had nothing to live for and I didn’t really wanna live, but I didn’t want them to win. So I tried throwing the mustard bottle across the room to make a point…but when I only managed to shove it off the chair, I realized I had a problem. I tried getting out of the chair and I was too weak to even stand up. I collapsed on the ground but I managed to crawl into the kitchen to try to find more food. It took forever and I had to stop to have naps along the way, but I finally made it. I didn’t have the strength to open the fridge and it took me forever to use the cupboards to haul myself up so I could search for food. But then I realized there was no food. That mustard and those chips were literally the last bits of food left in the entire house. I remember I collapsed on the ground and started crying because I thought all the evil people had come in and stolen the food and now they’d win because I had no way of getting more food.”

“Jesus,” Ryan chokes out against his neck.

“I thought about calling an ambulance to help me, but my anxiety told me that they’d lock me up in jail for having kept those videos. It also told me I couldn’t let anybody into the house because the porn people were in my house and I had to protect them. I know there were other reasons but I can’t remember them. I got really upset, but I honestly thought that was the truth. So I did the only thing I could think of: I called the video store and offered a deal.”

He feels Ryan shift a bit at this unexpected twist in the story. “What deal?”

“I told them I would give them the videos back in exchange for food. I was rambling and I must have sounded crazy and I remember I fell asleep at some point and I woke up when there was knocking on the door. I managed to drag myself to the door to open it…and there were paramedics and cops on the other side.”

“How—oh, the video store guys.”

Scott’s glad that Ryan’s natural curiosity has made the story a bit less emotional for him. From this point onwards, the story gets better anyway. Slowly, but it gets better. “Yeah. They’d called 911 and sent them to my house. I was so angry and I was ranting and swearing at them and telling them they weren’t allowed in the house. They probably thought I was on drugs or something. I remember they restrained me and that’s when everything went dark.”

“They took you to the hospital?”

“Yeah. I woke up a few days later and I already felt a lot better. They’d hooked me up to a feeding tube and five million IVs and they’d also given me a mild sedative. It kept the voice in my head quiet so I could pay attention to what people were saying to me rather than focusing on the crazy thoughts in my head. They told me if they hadn’t shown up to help me, I would have died within a few days. I remember seeing my reflection in one of the metal machines around me and I looked so bad that I didn’t even recognize myself. I’d lost a ton of weight and my hair had started falling out. I seriously looked like a corpse. It really scared me. I hadn’t looked at myself in a mirror, showered or changed my clothes in months, so I’d never noticed. Anyway, I stayed at the hospital for about a month. I couldn’t eat solid food for a while because my stomach forgot what to do with it and I’d feel sick if I tried. I had to move around with a walker and even getting from my bed to the bathroom would exhaust me.”

Ryan’s gone quiet and tense again and Scott lightly rubs his cheek. “The stronger I got, the more annoyed I got with myself. I’d done all this to myself. I hadn’t been locked in my house, nobody had kept me prisoner—I just did it to myself because I couldn’t control my own thoughts.”

“That’s not fair, Scotty,” Ryan whispers. “You were very, very sick and I don’t just mean physically. You got mentally sick way before you got physically sick. Grief can be very tough to deal with and you had no support at all. The fact that it led to severe depression and anxiety isn’t your fault. You _were_ locked in your house, just not physically. Your brain was keeping you hostage and that’s not your fault.”

Scott makes a face. “Still, I should have gotten help earlier.”

“Your brain wasn’t capable of making that decision. Your brain didn’t even realize how sick you were because it thought everything was fine. We like to think we’re all in control of our own brains, but we’re not. Some people’s illnesses aren’t as severe and they can deal with them on their own, but they can only do that if they have the right tools. You didn’t have any tools and you were very weak. You were way past the point of being able to do this on your own.”

Scott sighs. “That’s what the therapist said but I still hate it. Anyway, the therapist did help somewhat. I stopped feeling angry at my parents, so that’s good. But he was pushing really hard for me to start taking anti-depressants and I didn’t wanna go down that road. I tried them later on and they didn’t work well anyway, but at the time, I didn’t wanna touch them. I was already freaked out by what my brain had done to me so I didn’t wanna take meds that would screw with my brain even more. But then I found out the size of the hospital bill I’d racked up already and that’s when everything came slamming to a halt again.”

“Oh, shit. You were nineteen, you were off your dad’s military medical, weren’t you?”

“Well, yes and no. I would have still been covered if my parents were alive. But after they died, I was supposed to fill out a bunch of paperwork that I never did. That was the start of me realizing I’d landed myself in a financial nightmare.”

Ryan’s calmed down again and he’s listening intently.

“So I discharged myself from the hospital and went home. That’s when I saw the mountain of letters that had been coming to the house for months. I’d never opened any of them because I hadn’t cared. They were all bills, notices of missed payments and warnings that they’d come take this and that if I didn’t pay. I sat there in the front hall, surrounded by all these papers and I was completely overwhelmed. I had no idea what to do. I remember the electric had been turned off at some point when I was still spending time in the chair, but I’d called them and told them to charge it on my dad’s credit card. I remember thinking that had taken care of things, but I’d completely forgotten about everything else. I had no idea what to do. I owed thousands to the hospital, the credit card companies, the bank, the car company and a bunch of other things.”

“How much was it?”

“Not including the house, it was about $75,000.”

Ryan blows out a breath. “Jesus. And that was just from a few months of not paying things?”

“Well, a big chunk of that was from the hospital. Anyway, I thought I could take care of it on my own. I’d find a job and start paying things off. That…didn’t happen. Well, not right away. I had to keep charging stuff to the credit cards because I needed food and other things so I’d live long enough to find a job.”

Scott sighs. Thinking about this part of the story always fills him with frustration. “Then I’d find a job and that never worked out for long. I was still really weak and I could go to work for a day or two before I’d get so tired that I would fall asleep during my shift. Or that stupid apathy would kick in again and I’d just stand there in the store aisle, holding the cans I was supposed to be putting on the shelves and I’d be staring at the shelves without doing or thinking anything. I’d stand there for ten, fifteen minutes until somebody would come over to yell at me. And I had a huge problem even getting to work in the first place. I’d stand in front of my closet and my anxiety would just hammer me. I couldn’t figure out which shirt was the right one, what was the right order for putting on my clothes, all sorts of stupid stuff that doesn’t really matter but my brain didn’t wanna leave me in peace. I’d always be late and combined with me missing shifts because I was sleeping or being at work while not really mentally being there always meant I got fired. I had to keep charging stuff to the credit cards so I’d have something to eat and the debt just kept growing.”

Ryan sighs softly. “I’m so fucking sorry. You didn’t deserve any of that, you know that, right?”

“I know, but I was still blaming myself back then. I still blame myself a little bit, but not as much as I did back then. Anyway, I knew there was no way I could ever get my head above the water without help. So I went to one of those companies that help people with debt and they were amazing. They helped me sort out all the bills. We gave the house back to the bank—they were on the verge of taking it back anyway—we sold most of the stuff from the house, we gave the car back, they helped me get the benefits I was entitled to after my parents’ death, the consolidated all the debt and put me on a payment plan. It took years, but I finally managed to get out of debt.”

“It sounds impossible.”

Scott chuckles. “Believe me, I thought so too. It was always one step forward and two steps back, three steps forward, one step back. Going to the academy was fantastic but it cost money too. But once I started working, the debt finally started decreasing. I lived as frugally as I could and put every penny I could spare to repaying my debt. I finally paid off the last of it three years ago.”

And that’s a perfect end to the story. He doesn’t want to turn things dark again by reminding Ryan that despite finding success in his battle for financial independence, his loneliness and depression had driven him to engage in BDSM sex with strangers where he’d put himself into very dangerous situations. That’s not relevant to this conversation anyway and he likes ending things on a high note. Besides, the actual end of his story has ended on a high note anyway, so none of the crap that happened before matters that much.

Ryan sighs, but it’s a happy sigh. “I’m so proud of you.”

Scott smiles. “I’m proud too.” He takes a deep, satisfied breath. He’s also proud of himself for getting through the entire story without losing his words once.

Ryan’s nuzzling the top of his head as his hand gently starts playing with the padlock on his collar again. “I’m really, really proud of you,” he whispers. “Not just for working so hard to get out of debt, but for working so hard to save your life. Your brain was waging a war against you and you didn’t give up. That’s amazing.”

Snorting, Scott rubs the side of Ryan’s face, the cuff on his wrist brushing Ryan’s skin. “The paramedics saved me, not me.”

“You were the one who called for help.”

Scott frowns. “I didn’t—”

“You didn’t call 911, but you called the video store with a concrete plan. If you hadn’t made that call, you would have died.”

That’s true. Scott presses his smile against Ryan’s neck, feeling incredibly light and full of joy. “I’m really happy I made that phone call.”

Ryan takes a deep, shaky breath but Scott can hear the smile in his voice when he responds and his hand is calm as it gently slides his collar back and forth. “Me too,” he whispers.


	28. Chapter 28

Now that their relationship has been cemented in almost every way, Ryan’s decided it’s high time they tell his mom about them. They already told Cap about it and he was fine with it, but the idea of telling his mom about them seems to be making Scott nervous. That’s not good and Ryan puts his fears to rest right away. “You know she already loves you and considers you a second son. Why wouldn’t she be happy that we’re in a relationship?”

Unfortunately, that doesn’t seem to make Scott feel better and Ryan keeps a close eye on him as they drive to one of their favorite restaurant after work for their next movie night.

His mom is already inside, sitting at a table with a glass of wine and looking at her phone when they come up to her table. Looking up, she smiles. “Hi, you two!” Reaching up, she takes off her reading glasses and lets them dangle from the chain around her neck.

Standing up, she hugs Ryan and gives him a kiss while Ryan hugs her back. “How are you, honey? How was the early morning call?”

“It was fine,” Ryan says, releasing her. “Pretty cut and dry.”

Scott’s hanging back a bit but as soon as she’s released Ryan, she steps past him. “Hi, Scotty! How are you, sweetie?”

Ryan sees Scott smiling that soft, happy smile he always gets when people express their love for him and he hugs her tight. “I’m doing good. A bit tired, but I’ll make it.”

She kisses his cheek and pats him on the back. “Yes, you will. Did you two eat enough today?”

Scott chuckles and pulls back from her. “Not really, but we were saving up our appetite for this.”

She grins. “Of course, you were! I’m guessing that means everybody’s getting their own desert today, huh?”

Ryan laughs. “Well, if we share then it might turn into world war three, so I wouldn’t risk it if I were you.”

They sit down with Ryan and Scott sitting opposite his mom and none of them bother opening up their menus because they already know what they want. A waiter appears and takes their orders, then his mom claps her hands.

“So, tell me everything interesting and everything boring that’s happened since I talked to you on the weekend. By the way, have I mentioned it’s very convenient that both of you are constantly at Ryan’s now? I don’t have to make two separate phone calls, I can just make one. Very considerate.”

Ryan chuckles but Scott lets out a strained laugh. This is as good of an opening as Ryan’s going to get and he might as well jump right in. Reaching under the table, he finds Scott’s hand and squeezes it. “Speaking of being at my apartment a lot, we wanted to tell you something.”

Nodding, she takes a sip of her wine and looks at him expectantly.

Scott’s hand is nearly crushing his own and Ryan rubs the back of his hand with his thumb to try and calm him down. “So…Scotty and I are together.”

She blinks and gives him a smile like he’s a small child she’s humoring. “Yes, honey, I can see that. You’re both sitting right here…right in front of me. Together.” She smirks at him and it’s clear she’s trying not to laugh.

Ryan laughs and rolls his eyes. “That’s not what I mean. I mean, we’re together together.”

His mom keeps smiling at him, looking amused. “I promise that I can see you both. Together. Sitting in front of me.”

Taking a deep breath, Ryan struggles to stop laughing but Scott steps in. “What your son is trying to say is that we’re…in a relationship. A…romantic relationship.”

Her smile changes from one of amusement to joy. “You mean, you’re…” she points at both of them and wiggles her fingers back and forth between them.

“We’re together together,” Ryan laughs. “That’s what I was saying!”

She looks thrilled. “Really?! Oh, that’s fantastic! How long has this been going on?”

“A couple of months,” Scott says, still sounding anxious.

Nodding, she keeps smiling, but then she looks a bit worried and Scott’s hand tightens on his again. “I don’t want be rude, but sometimes you kids have different meanings for things. Is this a serious thing or just a friendly thing?”

Ryan grins. “Well, Scotty moved in over the weekend, so…yeah, it’s serious. Very serious. We’re in it for the long haul.” It’s unfortunate that he can’t tell his mom that he’d collared Scott. If she understood what that meant, it would allow her to understand how serious their relationship is, but talking to his mom about his sex life isn’t something he’s ever been comfortable doing.

Her smile grows big again. “Oh, this is fantastic! I’m so happy for both of you!”

She stands up from the table, but to Ryan’s pleasant surprise, she goes to Scott first and stands over him, gently putting her hands on his face. “I’m very happy about this, sweetie. I can see you’re worried, but don’t be. I know you take good care of Ryan and Ryan takes good care of you.”

Scott’s grip on Ryan’s hand loosens a bit, but just a bit. “I’ll always take good care of him, ma’am. I promise.”

It’s never a good sign when Scott calls somebody ‘ma’am’, especially his mom. He hasn’t done that in years. It had taken Scott a few weeks to relax around her when Ryan had first started bringing Scott along for movie nights and Ryan hates the idea that he’d made him uncomfortable again by telling her about their relationship. He wants to reassure Scott that everything’s fine, but his mom beats him to it.

She rubs his cheeks with her thumbs and smiles at him. “You’ve always been part of our family, Scotty. Always. This doesn’t change anything except make me even happier because I know the two of you make each other happy. I love you and I’m proud that you’re part of our family.”

Scott finally releases his grip on Ryan’s hand and wraps his arms around his mom, who winds her arms around Scott, holding him against her chest and giving him a kiss on the head. She holds him for a while before lowering her head close to his ear.

“You alright, sweetie? We don’t have to stay if you’d rather go home.”

Ryan sees Scott shaking his head and he pulls back from her. “I’m okay.”

His mom touches his face and searches his face for a moment, before smiling. “Good. Now I’m gonna go hug my other son.”

She walks around the table and grins when she reaches Ryan. Pulling Ryan against her chest, she kisses his head just like she’d done with Scott. “You’ll take good care of each other, I know you will. Oh, this really is the best news I’ve ever heard.”

Ryan chuckles and squeezes her tight before releasing her. “I knew you’d be over the moon about it.”

She laughs. “Of course, I am!”

Walking back to her seat, she takes a sip of her wine and looks back and forth between them. She can’t seem to stop smiling and Scott hasn’t grabbed Ryan’s hand and looks a bit more relaxed, so things are going well.

“So, did you two tell Captain Ramirez yet? Or are we keeping this a secret?”

Ryan shakes his head. “He would have found out and we wanted to get it out in the open before any rumors started. We’re not gonna be making out at the office but people are gonna figure out we live together and we don’t wanna hide anything.”

She nods. “What did he say about it?”

“He’s happy about it, or at least, as happy as he should be about it.” Ryan chuckles. “He told us we have to keep personal business out of our work and as long as we keep things professional and there aren’t any problems with our cases, he’s fine with it.”

Smiling, she sits back in her chair. “I’ve always liked that man. He’s been good to both of you over the years and I’m glad he knows you two well enough that he trusts you’ll keep things professional at work.”

She takes another sip of her wine and Ryan thinks a change in conversation will help calm Scott down. “So how was book club yesterday?”

Lowering her wine glass, she grins at both of them. “Oh, it was a memorable one! You remember I told you about Sonya?”

“The one with the bad perfume?” Scott pipes up and Ryan chuckles, thrilled that Scott’s relaxed enough to join the conversation.

She nods, smirking. “That’s the one! Well, she insists on being the first one to talk about the book we’re reading and when she starts talking, we realize she’s read the wrong book! The woman’s ranting and raving about God-knows-what and we’re just sitting there, trying so hard not to laugh! Oh, it was hysterical!”

As they eat dinner, Ryan can see Scott gradually relaxing even more until things are pretty much back to normal. It’s Ryan’s turn to pick the movie they’ll watch and they wander over to the nearby movie theater once they’re done eating and split a big bag of popcorn. As usual, his mom sits between them so she can entertain them both with whispered comments during the movie and make them both laugh.

It’s a wonderful evening and by the end, it appears that Scott’s as happy as he always is during movie nights.

* * *

“So, I’ve been thinking,” Ryan says, coming out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a towel that he’s using to scrub his hair dry.

Work had been very busy over the past week and they’d spent every spare minute that they weren’t worked either sleeping and eating food that Ryan’s mom had brought over for them. The collar has stayed in the play room for nearly a week but they’ve both been way too tired to even think about using it. Things had finally calmed down enough over the last few days that they’d gone back to their normal routines and caught up on sleep.

As part of their new normal routine, they’d both worked out together after their shift. When they’d first started working out together, Scott had been amused to discover that Ryan purposefully stays at least two machines away from him while they’re exercising and always seems to be facing away from him. It seems Ryan finds it hard to concentrate when Scott’s working out close to him. The only time he comes close to Scott is when Scott needs a spotter while he’s doing bench presses and Scott finds the whole situation hysterical.

Relaxing on the recliner and not taking his eyes off his phone where he’s texting Tyrell, Scott smirks. “Thinking about what? When you’re gonna kill me and how you’re gonna get rid my body?”

Ryan laughs and the wet towel smacks him over the head. “Jerk. I could’ve broken my damn neck.”

“Hey, I was just making normal working out sounds. They’re completely natural. It’s not my fault you’re a thirteen year old boy and got distracted by them while you were on the treadmill.”

Ryan walks into the bedroom to grab some clothes. “I know you don’t need to grunt like that when you’re doing your sets. It’s the gym, not a porn set.”

Scott laughs, sending off another text to Tyrell. “But you _wish_ it were a porn set so you could cuff my hands to the weight bar and fuck the hell out of me while everybody watches and gets jealous. I don’t know who they’d be more jealous of—you or me.”

Ryan bursts out laughing as he comes out of the bedroom, wearing his favorite baggy sweater and loose sweatpants. Coming over to the recliner, he climbs onto Scott’s lap. “You’re still a jerk.”

Scott smirks up at him and shifts to make room for Ryan’s knees. “I know. But you still love me.”

Rolling his eyes, Ryan’s got that look on his face like he’s struggling not to laugh. “Bullshit. Who the hell told you that?”

Feeling his phone vibrate, Scott glances down at Tyrell’s text and smiles as he responds to Ryan. “Most recently? You did, when we came home and you can’t take it back. It’s the law.”

Ryan sighs dramatically. “I don’t know how I put up with you, Jenkins.”

“Oh, but I make it worth your while.” Wiggling his eyebrows at Ryan, Scott grins and finishes reading Tyrell’s text. “And by the way, Ty agrees with me that you getting distracted over my hot bod is hilarious.”

Waving his phone at Ryan, Scott chuckles and holds it out of Ryan’s reach when he tries to grab it. Stuffing the phone behind his back, Scott catches Ryan’s hands and holds them behind Ryan’s back, pulling him down against him. Ryan doesn’t really put up a struggle and relaxes against him, resting his face against Scott’s chest.

Scott smiles into Ryan’s hair. “Have I mentioned it’s awesome that you’re working out with me even if it’s really hard for you? Really… _really_ hard?”

Ryan laughs into his chest, his arms relaxed in Scott’s grip. “Jerk.”

Chuckling, Scott nuzzles Ryan’s hair. “I know. But I meant it. It’s really nice getting to wake up with you and coming home together.”

“I like it too. And while there’s a part of me that really loves watching you work out—”

“That’s not conducive to you doing anything except standing and drooling over me, huh?” Scott sighs heavily. “You know I love it when you stare at me and appreciate every bit of me, head to toe, but I don’t actually wanna see you break your neck on the treadmill when you’re distracted by me flexing my gorgeous muscles, grunting and getting all sweaty, so I promise I’ll stop being a distraction. In my defense, there’s only so much I can do. I mean—this gorgeous body is always gonna stay gorgeous.”

Ryan chuckles and rubs his face over Scott’s shirt. “Yes, it is. And fuck, I can look at you all day every day and never get tired of it, but in the interest of me living a long life, no more porn noises, okay?”

“I promise. And no unnecessary flexing.”

“Well…it’s okay if there are porn noises and unnecessary flexing at home.”

Scott laughs and releases Ryan’s hands to wrap his arms around his back. “Oh, we make such a damn good team, Harris.”

“You know it.”

They sit in silence for a while. His phone vibrates behind his back with more messages, but they can wait.

Eventually, Ryan shifts. “Oh! There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you but then work got nuts and I forgot.”

“Hmm?”

Ryan pulls back and there’s a playful grin on his face. “There’s a toy we haven’t had the chance to use yet during scenes and I think you’ll really like it.”

Scott can’t help the grin that spreads over his face. “I like the sound of that. What is it?”

“You’ll see. I need help setting it up but if I tell you what it is, you’ll probably get distracted.”

Frowning, Scott stares at him. “You need my help setting it up? Is it a 500 pound dildo that you can’t lift by yourself?”

Ryan chuckles. “No…but you’re actually not that far off. It’s really heavy and it’s down in storage. It’s got wheels but it would take me forever to bring it upstairs by myself.”

This is getting more intriguing by the second. “Wheels?”

“Uh huh. The wheels are just to make moving it easier.”

Scott has no idea what kind of toy Ryan could be referring to, especially one that’s so damn heavy that he needs Scott’s help to move it. “And why’s it in your storage and not the play room?”

Ryan shrugs. “A lot of the subs didn’t like using it and it’s too big to put in a closet. It looks weird if it’s sitting in the play room and some subs thought it was destroying the atmosphere in the room so I took it down to storage.”

Now Scott’s even more curious. “Well, what the hell are we waiting for? Let’s go!”

* * *

When they get down to the storage, Ryan unlocks the padlock on the wooden door and swings it open, revealing the small storage unit.

Scott eagerly peeks inside. There are a few plastic bins covered with lids, some garbage bags filled with stuff, but most of the space in the small unit is taken up by something large that’s covered in one of the dark blue tarps that they use to cover areas at crime scenes when it rains.

Ryan steps into the unit and tugs the blue tarp off the object, revealing the mysterious sex toy…

…and it doesn’t look sexy at all.

It looks like a folded up piece of gym equipment. The whole thing is made out of the same black painted metal that the play room bed frame is made out of and Scott thinks that maybe Ryan made this himself, but he’s more pre-occupied by trying to figure out what it is. The whole thing is made up of dozens of connected metal bars of all shapes and sizes and a strange metal box near the base.

There’s a rustle as Ryan folds up the tarp and shoves it on a shelf. He grins at Scott. “Any clue what it is? I can tell by your face that you’re not impressed.”

“It looks like a piece of folded up gym equipment.”

Ryan laughs. “Well, it’s definitely a work horse. You’re gonna lose your mind once you realize what it is, Jenkins. Come on, let’s get it upstairs.”

When Scott steps into the storage unit to tug the device out, he realizes Ryan wasn’t kidding. The thing is deceptively heavy and Scott strains to pull it out of the small space. “Jesus Christ!”

Chuckling, Ryan rolls up the sleeves of his sweater and grabs the other end of the device and helps tug it out. “See? I wasn’t kidding. Once we get it rolling, it’ll get easier.”

“Why the fuck is it so heavy?” Scott grouses as they slowly roll it out of the storage unit and Ryan tosses him the key to lock the door.

“Oh, you’ll see. There’s a purpose behind the weight.”

It takes them a while to get it into the elevator and up to the apartment. They pull it into the play room, then Scott drops onto the bed, watching Ryan unfolding and re-arranging the metal bars as the device slowly expands. But its purpose remains a mystery.

Ryan keeps smirking over at him as he works and Scott’s getting annoyed that he has no idea what this thing could be. It can’t be a device that Ryan can tie Scott to, since the bed frame fulfills that purpose. It also can’t be something that’s for sitting or lying on because there’s no padding anywhere. It’s just metal rods.

When Ryan steps back from it, he raises his eyebrows at Scott. “So? Any guesses?”

“I’m really mad at myself, but no. I have no clue.”

Smiling smugly, Ryan goes to the drawer where all of their dildos live and pulls out one of their regular ones. It makes Scott feel weirdly proud that he recognizes the dildo all the way from where he’s sitting on the bed and he knows exactly what that dildo feels like in his mouth or ass. If the word ‘cock slut’ were in the dictionary, Scott’s picture would definitely be next to it and he’d be offended if they picked anybody else.

Ryan steps closer to him and for some odd reason, flips the dildo over in his hands and holds it to Scott, base first.

Scott’s about to ask what Ryan’s doing, when he notices something metallic glinting in the flat base of the toy. He’s never spent a lot of time exploring that end of any dildos—he’s more interested in the other end—but the sight of the metal intrigues him.

Holding out his hand, he takes the dildo and studies the base. It’s the first time he’s ever held a dildo in his hands and not dissolved into a puddle of horniness, so he considers that progress. But it probably helps that his brain is focused on solving the puzzle Ryan’s handed him.

When he inspects the base of the dildo closely, he sees the metal is a hollow, threaded casing that’s been inserted into the dildo. Clearly, the threaded casing would allow the dildo to be screwed onto something, but the attachments on the headboard are designed to clip around the balls and outer edge of the dildos.

Frowning, Scott glances at Ryan. But Ryan’s not giving anything away, just quirking an eyebrow at him. “Come on, Detective Jenkins. Put that brain to use.”

Okay, he can figure this out by himself. He’d allowed himself to get distracted by the small details and he’d forgotten about the big picture. Like when they’re puzzling their way through a case, Scott needs to go back to the big picture and see how this new evidence fits.

Getting off the bed, he walks to the strange metal contraption that Ryan’s set up. His eyes roam over the many bars on it, searching for one that would match the casing inside the dildo. His hand fiddles with the dildo in his hand, but it’s not distracting him.

Finally, his eyes land on a metal rod that’s pointing straight up at the ceiling. The end of it is threaded and the thickness seems to match the casing. Reaching up, he tries it out and sure enough, the dildo easily screws onto the rod. When it’s secure, Scott steps back and looks at it. It’s not just a dildo holder, that’s for sure. There’s no reason for it to be so heavy and anyway, Ryan has those attachments on the headboard that fulfill the same purpose.

But when he looks closely at the rod with the dildo attachment, he notices there are various rods connected to it and it looks like the rod’s position can be changed? Reaching up, he pulls down on it and watches the other rods seamlessly slide and rotate until the rod clicks into a new position and stops moving.

Now it’s at a 45 degree angle and seems to be locked in place, but when Scott looks at the rods more closely, he sees there’s a metal pin that’s stopped the rod’s movement. Tugging the heavy pin out, Scott easily pulls the rod even further down and realizes the rod can be locked into any position he’d want, even pointed towards the floor.

“Lock it so you could fuck it if you were lying on the bed,” Ryan says from where he’s sprawled out on the bed.

Frowning, Scott puts the pin in to lock the rod in place and steps back.

And as soon as he steps back and sees the angle of the rod with the dildo screwed to the end, everything clicks into place and he knows what this must be! If the metal box at the base of the device is a motor and if the other bars help move the dildo rod…then this is a fuck machine.

Scott stops breathing and he’s in danger of passing out. A fuck machine. A. Fuck. Machine. A machine that could fuck him for hours without ever tiring.

His heart races in his chest and he desperately needs to see the machine moving. His life depends on seeing it move. “Harris…” he whispers. “I…I wanna see it move. Please make it move.”

Ryan laughs from behind him and he appears beside Scott, holding a remote in his hand. “You figured out what it is, huh?”

“It’s—it’s a—it’s a—” He’s so excited and turned on that he’s losing his words.

“It’s a fuck machine, yeah.” Ryan sounds happy that Scott had figured it out and he’s also amused. “Don’t pass out, okay?”

Stepping behind Scott, Ryan wraps his arms around him—which is a nice precaution—and presses a button on the machine.

Slowly, the machine groans and comes to life—the motor in the metal box humming and the interconnected rods moving. As the rods pull on each other and movement spreads throughout the device, the rod with the dildo starts moving, thrusting back and forth at a steady pace.

Scott’s mouth is dry and he’s trembling a bit, clenching his ass with desperate want. Jesus, he wants the machine to fuck him. He’ll spend the rest of his life right here, getting fucked by the machine. Ryan can stop the machine and fuck him whenever he wants and then he’ll put the dildo back into Scott, turn the machine on and leave to go to work while Scott keeps getting fucked.

He lets out a whine and Ryan chuckles in his ear and nips his ear. “I told you you’d love it.”

Scott can’t take his eyes off the thrusting dildo, the hum and squeaks of the machine blending into the background. “How long can it go for?”

Ryan laughs. “It took me months to perfect the design but I’m proud to say that it can go for about three hours before the motor starts wearing out, assuming the person uses enough lube to help cut down on friction. If it’s at a faster setting, that cuts down on the time.”

Scott’s eyes are about to fall out of his head. “It—it can go faster?”

In response, Ryan presses some buttons on the remote and the machine gets louder and the rod thrusts faster.

Feeling his knees going weak, Scott wants the machine to fuck him so badly that he’s close to tears.

But then Scott realizes how ridiculous he’s being. This is exactly like the time when Ryan had showed him the ejaculating dildos and Scott had melted into a puddle of horniness and had started sucking on them in the middle of Ryan trying to talk to him.

And that bothers him. Having been very horny and desperate when he’d first started sleeping with Ryan had been understandable and he’s willing to cut himself some slack. But he doesn’t like losing control over himself so easily when he’s just looking at a sex toy. He’s not even looking at somebody getting fucked. He’s just looking at a sex toy and Ryan’s having to hold him up like he’s some horny teenager who loses the ability to control himself when he sees anything remotely sexual.

And that’s not okay. He doesn’t like that at all. “Can you turn it off, please?”

With a click of the remote, the motor abruptly goes silent and the entire device comes to a halt, the dildo frozen mid-thrust.

Ryan’s arms tighten around him. “You okay?”

Taking a deep breath, Scott nods. “Yeah. But I don’t like how I get distracted like that.”

“I don’t mind.”

“I know, but I do. It bothers me that I turn into a brainless, horny slut when I look at things like this.”

Ryan’s arms release him and he turns Scott around so he can look at him. “Eventually you always get desensitized. You don’t melt into a puddle of goo when you open the dildo drawer anymore. You were fine while you were holding the dildo.”

“Yeah, but I hate that new things catch me off guard like this. I wanna hear about how you built it and why. I don’t want you having to hold me up cause you’re afraid I’m gonna pass out cause I’m just focusing on how bad I want the machine to fuck me. When I’m in subspace, that’s fine. But I don’t like being like that when we’re just standing here, looking at a machine.”

Ryan gives him a long look, then smiles. “Okay. Come on, let me tell you about the machine.”

They walk up to the machine and Ryan puts his hand on one of the bars, smiling proudly. “You’re right that I built it myself. I used fuck machines a lot when I was at the BDSM clubs. They were great for times when I wasn’t feeling up to a long fucking session but the sub I was paired with wanted one. And when I realized it gave me the freedom to do lots of other things to a sub while the sub was getting fucked, I liked it even more.”

Scott forces himself to pay attention to Ryan’s words and ignores his aching cock. This is not sex time, this is conversation time. “Were the ones at the club like this?”

Ryan nods. “They were big, sturdy work horses. They had to be. When I was setting up the play room, I did research online and a lot of the fuck machines I found weren’t that great. Even the home-made ones that I saw would wear out after a little use. They were fine for short sessions, but I wanted something that could go for longer.”

Nodding, Scott frowns at the machine. “It’s the friction, isn’t it? Even with lube, it’s hard for the machine to keep pulling and pushing the dildo in and out.”

“Yeah. I didn’t wanna have a huge, loud motor so I experimented with the design until I finally figured out how to make a good one. I also didn’t wanna buy a bunch of special dildos just for the machine, so I figured out how to put that casing inside some of dildos I already had. It makes them heavier, but I’m used to it. Have you ever noticed it?”

“Nope. Then again, I’m not usually touching the dildos with my hands.”

Ryan smiles. “True. You’re busy holding them with other body parts.”

That makes Scott laugh and his arousal has completely disappeared. This is exactly how these conversations should go. A mature, adult conversation where Ryan doesn’t have to worry about Scott passing out, and Scott won’t embarrass himself by throwing himself on the dildo.

Ryan shows him a few other special features of the device. How the wheels can be securely locked and how the rod can be rotated not just up and down but also side to side to allow for different positions. It’s really impressive and Scott finds himself feeling proud of Ryan, not just as his dom but as his friend.

“This is really cool. You know, usually I’m really proud of you anyway, but then I see something like this and I’m even prouder.”

Ryan blushes a bit and gets that shy half-smile on his face. “Thanks.”

Grabbing Ryan’s shirt, Scott pulls him closer and kisses him. Ryan sighs happily and wraps his arms around Scott’s waist, relaxing against him as they kiss.

Eventually, Ryan pulls back. “So, you and I are thinking the same thing where the machine’s concerned, right?”

Scott grins. “Let’s see. Yes, we both love it. Yes, it’s gonna give us lots of great orgasms. And best of all—”

“Best of all, it can make your gangbang fantasy come even closer to reality.”

His grin widens and Scott kisses Ryan hard. “When are you gonna be up for trying it?”

“Well, I’ve got no plans for tomorrow. How’s your Saturday?”

Scott chuckles. “Oh, I’m wide open this Saturday. Wide. Open.”

Ryan bursts out laughing and presses his forehead against Scott’s. “Jenkins, that joke is almost as bad as mine are.”

“Almost, but not quite. I have ways to fall until I get to your level.”

Chuckling, Ryan pulls back. “Okay, so if we’re gonna do this then we gotta do negotiations, I gotta do scene prep and I want you to try out the machine tonight. Nothing intense, but I wanna make sure it feels okay.”

This is the first time they’ve done a scene since moving in together and it dawns on Scott that maybe there’s a lot of pre-scene work that Ryan usually does when Scott’s not here. And that doesn’t sit right with him. “Can I help with scene prep? If you don’t want me to, that’s fine. But I’d like to help.”

Ryan gives him a long look. “You won’t get distracted? Scene prep is really important and it’s gotta be done right. It’s fine if you don’t wanna do it, I don’t mind.”

“I do mind. I’m not paying you for scenes so I should be helping with prep. We’re equals until the scene starts, right?”

Ryan smiles. “Okay. I gotta do maintenance on the machine since it’s been sitting for so long. You wanna open the window to air the place out and then we’ll get to work?”

“Sure!”

Scott heads to the boarded up window and quickly finds the latches that allow the boards to swing outwards, exposing the window behind it and flooding the room with natural light. It’s weird to be staring out of the world outside of the play room.

“It feels kinda weird, huh?” Ryan calls over where he’s kneeling next to the fuck machine with a bunch of tools, rags and a bottle of oil.

Chuckling, Scott nods. “Yeah. It feels like I’m violating the play room’s privacy.”

Ryan laughs and Scott opens up the windows. Then he follows Ryan’s instructions on how to check his own cuffs in preparation for tomorrow. All of the stitching, the buckles and the D rings have to be checked. Scott also has to check all the carabiners and the chains to see if any of them are rusty or broken.

Apparently, Ryan does most of the important cleaning and maintenance on Sundays after scenes, but he double checks everything before scenes.

While Scott’s checking the cuffs, he’s happy that he’s not aroused at all. There’s a clinical air in the play room and it makes Scott feel really good being involving in preparing for their scene tomorrow.

“So how do you wanna do things tomorrow?” Ryan asks over the hum of the motor as he stops and starts the machine while adjusting things. “I was thinking we’ll use the ejaculating dildos.”

Grinning, Scott picks up another carabiner, uses his thumb to open and close it and inspects it for damage. “Oh, that’ll be awesome! I can suck on them while the normal dildo fucks me.”

“You wanna use different dildos on the machine?”

“Different dildos??”

Ryan laughs. “Open the dildo drawer when you’re done and check which ones have the threaded casing in the bases. You can pick as many as you want, but you gotta clean them. And we have to scrub the ejaculating dildos too. Any preference for what my own cock is doing during the scene?”

Scott chuckles. “You know the answer to that. The dildos are great, but you know I’m always gonna prefer your cock. But, no pressure. You decide when and how you’re gonna let me have your cock.”

“You want me to surprise you?”

“You make my dreams come true every day, Harris.”

Ryan laughs and lies down to reach something close to the motor of the fuck machine with a small wrench.

Scott finishes checking the cuffs, chains and carabiners and opens the dildo drawer.

He takes out the three ejaculating dildos and goes hunting for other dildos they can use on the fuck machine. They’ll definitely use the one that’s already screwed on the machine, but Scott finds an interesting ribbed dildo that also has the threaded casing in its bottom. “Okay, I have my dildos. There’s gonna be five of them. Think you can handle that, Harris?”

Ryan laughs. “I’ll do my best. I won’t even bother asking if you can handle at least six cocks cause I know the answer.”

Laughing, Scott walks to the machine with his arms full of dildos and reaches out to unscrew the dildo that’s attached to the rod. “Yep. I’m a cock slut and I’m absolutely fine with that.”

Ryan laughs up at him as he pushes himself up. “Speaking of you being a slut, you wanna get started on making cum when you’re in the kitchen?”

That makes Scott’s eyes light up. “Oh! Hell, yes!”

But Ryan gives him a mock-stern look. “But you gotta promise not to eat all of it. We need lots of cum for the scene tomorrow.”

“I swear, I won’t eat any of it. Well, I gotta taste test it, don’t I? But that’ll just be a few spoonfuls.”

Ryan raises an eyebrow at him, but he’s clearly struggling to hide a smile. “It’s not ice cream, Jenkins. If you’re eating it with a spoon then you’re gonna eat all of it. Just dip your finger in and try a little bit as you go.”

Laughing, Scott heads out of the play room. “I’ll be good, I promise!”

Ryan smacks his ass, which makes Scott laugh, but he deliberately hangs back and lets Ryan get ahead of him so he can kick his ass as he passes. Unfortunately, Ryan had been expecting the kick and jumps out of the way, laughing as he runs into the kitchen.

Ryan shows him how to scrub the dildos and how to use a long, thin scrub brush to clean the inside of the ejaculating dildos. Scott’s glad they’re not trusting the dishwasher to clean them and that Ryan insists on cleaning them both before and after scenes. Whatever’s inside these dildos will go straight into Scott so the cleaner they are, the better.

Once the five dildos are drying in the rack—which looks hilarious—Ryan pulls out the home made cum recipe and Scott gets to work making a big batch of cum while Ryan goes back to keep working on the machine.

Scott goes a bit overboard and decides to make twice as much as Ryan’s recipe calls for because running out of cum tomorrow would be disastrous. When Ryan sees how much he’d made, he reminds Scott that the stuff isn’t meant to be stored and needs to be made fresh for every scene.

Scott just gives him an unimpressed look. “Stored? What the hell do you mean ‘stored’?! All of this is gonna be on me or in me by tomorrow night.”

That makes Ryan laugh. “You really want me using all of that? You’re gonna gain ten pounds and be covered head to toe.”

Scott grins and happily wiggles around as he stirs the final batch of cum in the large bowl. He can’t wait! “I know! It’ll be fantastic!”

Ryan’s no help with transferring the cum into smaller bottles to put into the fridge over night because he’s too busy wrapping his arms around Scott and laughing into Scott’s neck, but that’s okay.

* * *

When Ryan’s satisfied that the machine’s ready, Scott closes and shutters the window and takes his clothes off, ready to try it out. He puts on his cuffs because it’ll be good practice for tomorrow and they always make him feel safe, but he’s not wearing his collar.

Ryan keeps his clothes on and stays in a clinical mode as he attaches the normal dildo to the machine rod and positions the machine by the foot of the bed.

“How do you want me?” Scott asks, sitting on the bed and trying to contain his excitement.

“Slide down here, lie down and spread your legs. I’m not gonna chain you up so we can make adjustments if you don’t like something.”

Obediently lying down, Scott slides down the bed and Ryan tosses him a bottle of lube. “You do you, I’ll do the dildo. I know you don’t need lots of prep, but get lots of lube in there.”

Snapping the bottle open, Scott covers his fingers in lube and lifts his knees, sliding two fingers into his hole and smearing the lube everywhere. His ass eagerly clenches around his fingers and he sternly tells himself to relax. His heart’s racing from excitement and he can’t wait to feel what the machine will be like.

“Ready?” Ryan asks, wiping his hands on a towel.

“If you don’t get that dildo in my ass, I might have a heart attack.”

Laughing, Ryan presses a button on the remote and the machine briefly starts up before it stops again.

“Okay, sit up a bit so you can see and slide down on the dildo. You always have to start with the rod fully extended so you’ll control exactly how deep it’ll go.”

Glancing down, Scott slides down and positions the head of the familiar dildo against his hole and slowly slides onto it. He can’t help the groan when the dildo stretches him open and fills him up.

“Don’t go too deep, Scotty. Let’s try it out and we can go deeper later.”

He stops when he’s halfway down the dildo. He can take the full dildo easily, but he’ll do what Ryan says. Scene prep is important. The bed dips as Ryan climbs up behind him and Scott lies down between Ryan’s knees and eagerly grins up at him.

Ryan smiles down at him and waves the remote in his hand. “Ready?”

“Am I ever! Let’s go.”

He watches Ryan press a button and the motor hums to life, the machine wakes up and slowly, the dildo starts moving, gently thrusting into his ass.

It feels great, but his stomach is clenching and he’s tensing. It takes him a second to understand why he’s feeling weird.

Ryan’s frowning down at him and he must see the tension on Scott’s face. “You okay? You want me to stop it?”

“No, it’s…it’s fine.”

His reassurance must sound shaky because the machine stops and Ryan drops the remote. “It’s not supposed to feel ‘fine’. What’s wrong? Does anything hurt? You want me to pull you off? We don’t have to use the machine if you don’t like it. This is supposed to be fun, remember?”

Scott takes a deep breath. “It feels a little…weird.” He hates that he’s worrying Ryan so much but it’s hard to explain what he’s feeling.

“Why does it feel weird?”

“It’s weird that a cock is fucking me down there, but I know you’re up here with me. It…reminds me of when those assholes used to let other people come into their apartments and fuck me.”

Ryan gently touches his face. “We can stop and come up with another way to do tomorrow’s scene.”

Scott shakes his head and reaches up to grab Ryan’s hands and hold them tight. “No, I wanna keep trying. I know it’s just the machine but I gotta let my brain get used to it.”

“Here, sit up a bit. It’s not good to use it at full power when you’re sitting up, but I’ll keep it slow.”

Ryan helps Scott sit up and lean against Ryan’s chest, the head of the dildo still inside of him.

Putting his hand with the remote on Scott’s stomach, Ryan grips Scott’s left hand with his own. “You tell me when you’re ready.”

Scott leans against Ryan and turns his head so he can see Ryan and the machine. That should be better. “Okay, let’s try again.”

There’s a click of the button and the machine starts its slow pace again, thrusting the dildo gently in and out of him. Ryan was right and it does make a difference when Scott can see the machine. The dildo’s attached to the rod and the bars on the machine are turning and spinning, making the dildo thrust into his ass at a steady pace.

“It’s okay. It’s just a machine,” Ryan whispers into his ear. “I’d never let anybody into this apartment to fuck you. Never. Focus on the sounds of the machine and connect those sounds to the dildo. You know that dildo, don’t you?”

Scott nods and keeps breathing.

“That dildo’s fucked you a hundred times. You recognize how it feels, don’t you?”

Yes, he does. It’s one of his dom’s dildos, which means it won’t ever hurt him. And the machine was made by his dom, so that won’t hurt him either. His dom is controlling the machine and everything’s fine.

He’s slipping into subspace a little bit as he relaxes against his dom. Now that his worries have faded away, he pays attention to how the dildo feels as it thrust into his hole at that steady pace. Unlike a real cock, the thrusting is so precise. The pace never changes and the depth of the thrust is always the same.

Closing his eyes, he tilts his head back against Ryan and enjoys the feel of getting fucked.

“You wanna lie back down? I’ll stay right here with you.”

That reminds Scott that this is supposed to be scene prep, not an actual scene. He’s meant to be trying out the machine and practicing different scenarios so they’ll be ready for tomorrow.

“Yeah, I’m ready,” he says. The machine stops and Ryan helps him lie down. “Can you extend the rod? I wanna get it a bit deeper.”

Ryan looks down at him with concern. “You sure?”

Smiling, Scott nods. “Yeah. I feel okay, I promise. I reminded myself that it’s your dildo and your machine and my dom would never use something on me that would hurt me, so it’s fine.”

Ryan’s face goes through a complicated twist of emotions and he bends down to kiss Scott’s forehead hard. “You’ve always been a smart cookie, Scotty,” he whispers against Scott’s skin and gives him another firm kiss.

Smiling, Scott pulls himself off the dildo and listens to Ryan extending the rod.

“Okay, slide back down.”

This time, Scott slides all the way down the dildo, letting it fill him up, knowing he can handle it.

Giving Ryan a nod where he’s lying between his legs, he smiles up at him. “I’m ready.”

Ryan grabs hold of his left hand again, presses a button on the remote and puts it and his other hand on Scott’s stomach.

The machine whirs awake and the difference of having the dildo all the way inside of him is immediately obvious. The machine’s still thrusting slowly, which means the dildo takes forever pulling out of him, but the slide back in is amazing. It fills him up inch by inch until the balls at the base brush his ass before it pulls back out.

He groans. Fuck, this feels good.

“How you feeling, Scotty?”

“Oh, this feels good,” he mumbles. “Really, really good.”

He clenches down on the dildo a bit but it makes no difference—the machine pushes the dildo into his ass just as deeply and hard as it did before, keeping up that steady pace. Scott remembers that Ryan had said the machine could go for hours and that’s a very nice thought.

Arousal starts to burn in his belly and his cock is getting interested. “Can you make it go faster?”

Ryan smiles down at him and rubs his stomach. “Sure.” The remote is lifted from his stomach before the machine picks up the pace, thrusting the dildo in and out of his hole at a faster speed.

To Scott’s pleasant surprise, the depth of the thrusts don’t get any swallower and the machine keeps filling him up with the exact same amount of cock on every thrust, stretching his hole and never pausing in that relentless rhythm.

Moaning, Scott’s arousal burns brighter. “Oh, fuck, that feels good,” he groans out.

Ryan chuckles above him, but Scott’s let his eyes drop shut and he’s not holding Ryan’s hand anymore either. He can hear the machine working and he’s completely safe because the machine was built by his dom and it’s being controlled by his dom so it’ll keep making him feel nothing but pleasure.

“Fuck, I love this so much.” He shifts his hips a bit, bracing his feet on the bed and thrusting against the dildo a bit.

Ryan’s hand gently cups his cheek. “Now that’s a surprise. I had no idea you’d love getting fucked by a machine. No idea.”

Scott struggles to laugh but his cock is aching and he’s concentrating too much on how good he feels to have the energy to laugh properly. He could stay here for hours, days, weeks. Eventually, he opens his eyes and looks up at Ryan, who’s staring hungrily at the foot of the bed.

Smirking, Scott knows exactly what Ryan’s looking at. Or rather—what Ryan wants to be looking at. “Hey, Harris?”

“Hmm?”

“Since I’m feeling so good, I think you should feel good too.”

Ryan glances down at him and makes a face. “Technically we’re doing scene prep. You know the rules.”

Groaning, Scott struggles to keep talking as the cock fucks him. “Fuck, that feels good. You—you’re behind. We finished scene prep about two minutes ago. Now, it’s orgasm time. Well, not—not yet. Oh, _fuck_ …I know you wanna watch my slutty hole getting fucked by your machine, so—so—shit, this feels good—so get down there and watch.”

Ryan lets out a laugh, but he hesitates. “You sure you’re okay?”

“Pos—positive,” Scott gasps out. He can’t believe the machine is still thrusting the dildo into him at the exact same pace that it’s been doing for the last few minutes. Ryan hadn’t been kidding when he’s said he’d built a work horse.

But as Ryan shifts to get off the bed, Scott gets an idea. He knows how to make the sight of him getting fucked by a machine even better. “Hey, before—before you go?”

“Uh huh?”

“Can you—can you—fuck, I love—I love cock…holy shit…”

Ryan laughs. “Were you trying to say something or were you practicing your porn star lines?”

Oh, right. “Gimme—gimme a break, Harris. I’m a little—oh, fuck—I’m a little distracted. Can you chain up my hands and feet, please?”

Frowning, Ryan looks down at him. “Shit, you’re right! Damn, I didn’t think about that.”

“Not—not for prep. I’ll be fine, but…I wanna give you a good—mmmhh…I wanna give you a good show.”

When Ryan gets off the bed, Scott closes his eyes and let’s himself enjoy getting fucked, the machine never tiring of thrusting the dildo into his ass.

There’s a clink of the familiar chains and Scott doesn’t bother opening his eyes as Ryan chains up his wrists and ankles. But when he’s done, Scott opens his eyes because he’s enjoyed himself a lot so far, but Ryan hasn’t enjoyed himself a lot yet. Time to change that.

“Bring—bring the chair over,” Scott gasps out.

He listens to the humming of the machine and lets it fuck him as he watches Ryan pull the black leather recliner over so he’s perfectly positioned to watch Scott getting fucked.

Scott watches Ryan sit down and his eyes are blown wide with arousal and his sweatpants have an obvious bulge in them.

Grinning, Scott sees Ryan’s eyes are glued to his ass, where the machine is thrusting the slick dildo into his ass. “You like watching me get fucked by the machine you built, huh?”

Ryan can’t tear his eyes off his hole. “Uh huh…” His hand drifts down and rubs his cock through his pants. Scott doesn’t think Ryan’s aware he’s doing it.

Time to make it even better. Scott’s arousal has filled him with heat, but he’s gotten accustomed to the pace of the machine by now and he can think clearly. Bracing his feet on the bed, he pulls until the chains tighten against his ankles and he thrusts against the dildo, groaning loudly. “Oh, fuck, that feels good. Oh, that cock feels so good. You see how loose my hole is? How good I’m taking the cock?”

Ryan’s chest is moving rapidly and he shifts to push his sweatpants and underwear off himself. His hard cock springs up and Ryan wraps his hand around it, jacking it in time with the dildo’s thrusts.

Scott moans, staring at Ryan’s cock. “Fuck, I want your cock. I like—oh, fuck—I like this cock, but nothing feels the same as my dom’s cock.”

Ryan groans, his hand moving faster.

Thrusting against the dildo, Scott lets out a whine. “Oh, that feels so fucking good. Fuck, I love—I love cock.” Arching his back, he deliberately pulls the chains holding his wrists tight and wraps his hands around them, straining against them and flexing all the muscles in his arms and chest. Since they’re at home, he’s free to make as many pornographic sounds and do as much unnecessary flexing as he wants.

Ryan lets out a keening sound and Scott struggles not to smile as he keeps talking. “Oh, that cock feels so good. Fuck, I wish I cou—could stay here all day. You can leave the machine on and leave it fucking—fucking me for hours. I’d just kee—keep coming over and over, just from a dildo fucking me.”

“Fuck, Scotty,” Ryan breathe out and when Scott glances over, he sees Ryan’s hand flying on his cock, his eyes roaming up and down Scott’s body.

Scott keeps twisting and straining against the chains, thrusting back against the dildo fucking him and letting out sounds he knows are driving Ryan crazy. He keeps an eye on Ryan and sees Ryan release his cock and grip the armrests of the recliner. Scott knows Ryan wants to come.

Moaning, he shoots Ryan a smile. “Get over here and come on me. I wanna feel my dom’s cum on me.”

Pushing himself out of the chair, Ryan stands next to the fuck machine, hungrily staring down at the cock fucking Scott.

“Come on, lemme—lemme feel my dom’s cum. Please?”

Reaching for Scott’s legs, Ryan pushes his knees further apart, which tightens the chains holding onto his ankles and stretches his rim, making it more sensitive as the cock keeps fucking him.

“Oh, fuck,” Scott gasps out, shaking.

Not saying a word, Ryan releases one of his knees and rubs his fingers over his slick, stretched rim as the dildo thrusts in and out of him, which shoots intense sparks of arousal through Scott. “Oh, Jesus fucking C-christ—oh, that feels good. Oh, fuck!”

The combination of the fuck machine thrusting the cock into his ass at that steady pace and Ryan rubbing his sensitive rim nearly makes him come, but he wants Ryan to come first. “Come—come on me. Please. Please, please, p-please—”

Ryan’s fingers disappear and Scott glances down to watch Ryan fisting his leaking cock, stepping closer to Scott’s ass where his hand is still pushing his knee out, tightly gripping it.

“Fuck, Scotty—holy fucking—oh, Jesus—”

“P-please. I need—I need to feel my dom’s cum on me. Please, please, ple—”

The first spurt of warm cum hits his ass and that’s when Scott’s orgasm hits him, his cock shooting warm cum all over his chest. More cum hits his thighs and drips down over his stretched rim and the crease of his ass, while that cock keeps fucking him.

Fuck, he just wants to stay here for the rest of his life. He wants the cock to fuck his dom’s cum into him and have Ryan replace it with his own cock when he gets hard again. Moaning, he smiles at Ryan, who’s still gripping Scott’s knee and staring down at where he’s getting fucked, his chest heaving.

“I really could stay here all day,” Scott mumbles.

Ryan chuckles weakly. “Me too.” Finally prying his hand off Scott’s knee, Ryan fumbles for the remote control and the machine grinds to a halt.

Scott laughs, clenching his ass around the hard cock still deep inside of him while Ryan stumbles over to the bedposts and unclips the chains from his ankles.

Once his legs are free, Scott slowly slides off the dildo. His ass clenches around nothing and he resists the urge to slide back on. Instead, he wiggles further up the bed. Knowing himself, it’s best to get temptation out of reach. Literally.

Ryan crawls onto the bed and unclips his hands before he collapses on Scott and rubs his face on his chest, licking up Scott’s cum. “Damn, that was hot. You have no fucking idea how hot you looked.”

Scott laughs. “It felt so damn good. I’m already in love with your machine.”

Smiling weakly, Ryan lifts his head and rests his chin on Scott’s chest. “Am I being replaced?”

Rolling his eyes, Scott grabs Ryan and rolls them over, bracketing his face with his forearms and rubbing his nose against Ryan’s. “Not a chance.” He kisses Ryan firmly. “None.” Another kiss. “Nada.” One more kiss. “Zilch.”

Ryan smiles against his lips and sighs, wrapping his arms around Scott.


	29. Chapter 29

The scene prep may have been amazing, but it’s nothing compared to the actual scene.

To his surprise, Ryan doesn’t chain him up right away. Instead, after he tells Scott to take off his clothes, he’s told to kneel on the carpet, facing the fuck machine.

“We’re gonna get your mouth warmed up. It’s gonna have a lot of cock in it tonight and we gotta make sure it’s ready,” Ryan says, a hint of a smile in his voice as he’s using carabiners to clip Scott’s wrist cuffs together behind his back.

Grinning, Scott keeps his head bowed, excitement coiling in his stomach.

Ryan’s already attached the first dildo to the machine and he walks around Scott to tilt the rod down so it’ll be coming down Scott’s throat. When Scott glances upwards without tilting his head up, he can see the dildo is a few inches from him and his mouth waters.

Stepping behind Scott, Ryan grabs his hair and pulls his head back, staring down at him. “You’re gonna be my happy boy tonight, won’t you?”

Smiling, Scott nods as much as he can with the tight grip in his hair.

Ryan’s knees are pressed into his shoulders and Scott being pushed forward. “Get your mouth on the cock.”

The grip in his hair loosens and Scott eagerly wraps his lips around the dildo, rubbing the head with his tongue. He stays still, waiting for his dom’s orders.

One of Ryan’s hands runs down his cheek and wraps around his neck, rubbing his skin and the collar below. His dom’s bare cock presses against the back of his neck, already a little stiff.

Without warning, the machine’s motor hums to life and the dildo slowly starts thrusting into his mouth. Groaning, Scott lets it fuck his mouth, loving the thick weight that fills his mouth and slides over his tongue.

Ryan’s hand on his neck grips his chin and his other hand tangles in Scott’s hair, keeping his head immobilized as the dildo fucks his mouth.

There’s nothing Scott can do to control the cock in his mouth. He just kneels there, letting the machine thrust the cock in and out of his mouth as his dom’s hands keep him in place. Closing his eyes, he relaxes and starts to float.

“What a good boy. You’re doing so good. Warming up that slutty mouth of yours. Look at you—you’re drooling already.”

Scott moans around the cock, the machine’s rhythm staying constant.

Eventually, Ryan’s hand releases his chin and the cock’s pace speeds up, getting deeper into his mouth and slipping a bit into his throat with every thrust. Arousal races through him and Scott relaxes his throat, letting his dom’s machine fuck his mouth.

“Good boy, Scotty. You’re my good boy. I think that mouth is warmed up now.”

The cock slows down and the grip in his hair tightens as his dom pulls his mouth off the cock. That’s not good and Scott whines, wanting it back.

“Hush. You’re gonna get lots more cock, but you gotta get yourself on the bed first.”

Scott stares up at Ryan, not really understanding what Ryan wants. Scott just knows what he wants: he wants the cock back. When he glances at the glistening dildo just inches from his lips and sticks his tongue out, his dom uses his grip in his hair to pull his head further back.

“No, Scotty. Get on the bed. Now.”

His dom doesn’t sound angry, just insistent. Scott stares up at him and whines.

Ryan smiles down at him and bends down to kiss his spit-covered lips. “I know what you want and you’re gonna get it, but you gotta get on the bed first. Come on.”

When his hair is released, Scott obediently crawls to the bed and lies down, flinging his arms above his head and bending his legs.

He blinks up at the ceiling, feeling sad that he doesn’t have a cock in his mouth anymore, but his dom told him to get on the bed, so here he is.

“Good boy.” Ryan leans over him and to Scott’s delight, he’s holding a cock in his hand. “You’re my good boy and I decided you get a reward.”

Scott eagerly opens his mouth and the cock is slid between his lips.

“Don’t suck on it, just hold it in your mouth.”

Closing his eyes, Scott does as his dom ordered and closes his eyes, keeping his lips sealed around the thick cock and rubbing his tongue over the smooth head. His dom is moving his arms and there’s the clinking of chains. His arms are chained up and Scott tugs on them a bit, wrapping his hands around them and feeling the strong chains pull back and proving that they’re holding him securely. He loves holding onto the chains and he keeps a loose grasp on them as the bed shifts.

One of his legs is lifted up and his dom’s hands are on the thigh cuff and then his ankle cuff. When his dom releases his leg, it stays hanging in the air, the chains holding it up. Once his other leg is chained up too, his ass is fully exposed. A shiver of excitement runs through him and he moans around the cock in his mouth. He knows what’s going to happen next.

His dom’s slick fingers rub over his hole and slide inside. There’s already lots of lube in there because his dom had told him to get himself ready, but his dom wants to make sure he won’t get hurt.

Finally, his dom’s fingers disappear and the machine turns on again. There’s the familiar feel of a cock nudging up against his rim and Scott moans happily around the cock in his mouth as he flexes his hole around the cock, trying to pull it into him.

His dom chuckles. “Jesus, you’re the sluttiest slut I’ve ever met, Scotty. But you’re my slut and I love you exactly the way you are.”

Scott smiles around the cock but he’s focused on the cock that’s pressing against his rim. Finally, the cock moves forward and slides into him, filling him up. It pushes in deep until the balls brush his ass, then it pulls out again. The rhythm is slow but that must be how this cock wants to fuck him.

Having his mouth and ass filled with cock is as wonderful as it always is and Scott happily floats, completely relaxed as the chains hold him and the cocks fill him up.

“You’re feeling good, huh? You like that cock fucking you, don’t you?”

That’s not a question he has to answer and he keeps his eyes closed, rubbing his tongue over the cock in his mouth and feeling the other cock fucking him in that slow, deep rhythm. Then the mattress shifts and the cock is pulled from his mouth. Frowning, he lets out a whine and opens his eyes

His dom is kneeling above his head, smiling down at him. “Hush. I have a better cock for you.”

Movement catches Scott’s attention and his dom is stroking his hard cock. Whining, Scott’s mouth waters and he tilts his head back, desperate for his dom’s cock.

Chuckling, his dom lightly wraps one hand around Scott’s jaw and the other is holding his cock, guiding it to Scott’s mouth. Parting his lips, Scott lets his dom’s familiar cock slide into his mouth, stretching his lips as that comforting weight presses on his tongue.

“Fuck, Scotty, you feel amazing. You always do.”

His dom puts his other hand on his jaw too, tilting his head further back and tightening his grip, keeping Scott’s head locked in place. Closing his eyes, Scott relaxes, his dom’s cock fucking his mouth in the same slow rhythm as the cock in his ass.

Gradually, his dom’s cock slides deeper into his mouth with every thrust and slips into his throat. His collar clings to his neck and the thick cock slides deeper into his throat, cutting off his breathing. The cock stays where it is, filling his mouth and throat and it feels amazing.

After two thrusts of the cock in his ass, the cock in his throat slides back and fucks his mouth in shallow thrusts, allowing him to breathe before gliding back down and filling his throat for long seconds.

His dom groans. “You’re amazing, Scotty. You’re being such a good boy.”

The cock pulls back for shallow thrusts and the cock in his ass picks up speed, fucking him harder. He moans around his dom’s cock, knowing the cock in his ass is going to fill him with cum soon.

When his dom’s cock pushes back into his throat, his dom’s hands leave his jaw and wrap around his neck, rubbing the metal links of the collar and the tight skin of his throat.

“Fuck, I can _see_ my cock in your throat,” his dom says, his voice shaking.

His dom sounds so proud and that makes Scott happy. He keeps his head still, feeling his heart pounding from the lack of oxygen, but he’s not worried. His dom knows when he needs to breathe.

The cock slides out of his throat and fucks his mouth in shallow thrusts again as the cock in his ass keeps fucking him in those deep, hard thrusts. His dom’s cock is leaking pre-cum, dripping on his tongue as Scott sucks in breaths through his nose.

“You ready for me to come in your mouth? You want your dom’s cum filling you up, don’t you?”

Whining, Scott’s shakes, desperate for his dom’s cum.

His dom grabs his jaw again and holds his head steady as he fucks his mouth harder, keeping time with the cock pounding his ass. His dom’s fingers dig into his jaw and he’s making soft sounds before warm, thick cum is filling Scott’s mouth. The cock keeps fucking his mouth, cum flowing from it and coating his mouth in wonderful stickiness.

“What a good boy. You did so good, I’m so proud of you.”

The thrusts of the cock slow and slips out of his mouth. Scott whines and keeps his mouth open. The cum is pooling in his mouth and his dom lifts his head.

“Swallow my cum, Scotty.”

Scott whines, wanting to keep his dom’s cum in his mouth.

His dom grabs his hair in a tight grip and tilts his head back. “You’re gonna get more, I promise. There’s other cocks that wanna fuck your mouth, but you gotta swallow first.”

Oh, that sounds okay. Scott swallows obediently and his head is lowered to the mattress. Warm lips kiss his forehead.

“Good boy.”

The cock in his ass is still thrusting hard and it’s going to give him cum soon. But his mouth feels so empty! He wants—

“Open up. There’s a new cock that wants to fuck your mouth.”

Eagerly opening his mouth, a new cock slides into his mouth, filling it back up and gliding through the sticky cum still coating his mouth.

“Hold that cock in your mouth and get it warmed up.”

Relaxing, Scott obeys the order and seals his lips around the cock, rubbing the head with his tongue.

The mattress shifts and the cock in his ass picks up speed again. It’s fucking him so deep and hard, it’s amazing. Scott moans around the cock in his mouth, loving the feel of the hard cock filling his ass in that relentless rhythm.

Abruptly, the cock slides out of him, but before Scott can get upset, something hard is being pressed into his loose hole, followed by strong gushes of warm cum filling him up. Groaning happily, Scott’s shaking, feeling wave after wave of cum filling him up.

“You like that, don’t you? You did so good. The cock’s giving you lots of cum, isn’t it? You’re my good boy.”

His dom sounds so happy and cum is dripping out of his ass. Oh, there really is a lot of cum! It’s inside of him and there’s so much dripping out of him and running down over his ass.

“Fuck, you look so good. Your ass is covered in cum. You love it, don’t you?”

His dom’s hands are on his ass cheeks, pulling them apart and Scott flexes his hole, feeling more cum leaking out. His dom’s hands dig into his skin and fingers are sliding into his loose hole, fucking the cum back into him.

Scott happily moans around the cock in his mouth, loving how his dom is playing with the cum in his hole. His dom is happy, he’s happy and this is all wonderful.

“You did so good, Scotty. I’m so proud of you. You ready for another cock? There’s another cock that’s been desperately waiting to fuck you. Your hole’s nice and filthy and I think it’s ready for another cock.”

Grinning as much as he can with the cock in his mouth, Scott’s very proud of himself.

His dom’s fingers are back in his hole, pushing something cool into him. Scott doesn’t understand what it is, but it doesn’t matter. His dom is doing it, so it’s fine. Then a new cock is nudging at his rim. It slides right into his loose, slick hole and it’s gliding through the cum that the other cock had left behind. Fuck, this is as amazing as he’d always though it would be.

The cock fills him up and settles into a hard, deep rhythm right away. It seems this cock isn’t doing any warm up, it just wants to give him a good pounding. Excellent!

The mattress shifts and his dom’s hands are back on his face, gently thrusting the cock in and out of his mouth.

“Good boy. You’ve done so well warming up this cock. Now it really wants to fuck your mouth and fill you up with more cum.”

His dom tilts his head to the side and grips his jaw with one hand as the cock starts fucking his mouth. Like the cock in his ass, this cock isn’t playing around. It fucks his mouth hard in shallow thrusts, keeping time with the hard thrusts of the cock in his ass as the balls of the cock smack into his ass on every thrust.

All Scott can do is lie there, letting the cocks use him however they want, fucking his mouth and ass that are already filled with wonderful cum.

“Good boy. Look at you, taking these cocks so well. There’s another cock that wants to play, but it’s impatient. You don’t have another hole for it to fuck right now, so it’s gonna fuck this gorgeous chest of yours. It wants to cover your nipples in cum.”

Oh, that sounds amazing!

His dom’s hand leaves his jaw, but Scott keeps his mouth still, letting the cock fuck his mouth. A new cock slides over his chest and rubs across his nipples, making them tingle.

“You like that, don’t you? Having the cock play with your nipples, hmm?”

His nipples tighten and Scott moans around the cock fucking his mouth as the cock on his chest rubs across his sensitive nipples in rough strokes, while the third cock thrusts into his ass.

Scott’s vibrating from excitement, wondering which cock will come first. This is a dream come true! There are three cocks using him at the same time and all of them will fill him up and cover him with cum.

The cock in his mouth drips a little cum into his mouth and he eagerly tightens his lips, sucking hard and whining with anticipation. The cock fucks his mouth harder and he’s rewarded when it sprays cum into his mouth, mixing with his dom’s cum. The cum drips out of the corner of his mouth and there’s cum and spit covering his jaw and cheeks. The cock keeps dripping cum into his mouth and smearing it around as it keeps fucking his mouth.

“Good boy. Let the cum drip out of your mouth. I wanna see you covered in cum.”

Obeying his dom, Scott relaxes his lips and lets the cum drip out of his mouth. The cock pulls out of his mouth and slides across his cheek, smearing the cum and spit that’s coating it.

“What a good boy. Keep your eyes closed.”

Scott wasn’t really aware of closing his eyes in the first place, but that’s not a concern. The sticky, warm cock rubs over his nose and forehead, leaving streaks of cum. He lets out a happy sound. There’s cum in his mouth and all over his face. This is great!

The cock that’s been rubbing over his nipples is rubbing harder over his nipples, the head of the cock rubbing over one nipple while the balls are dragging over his other one and it feels fantastic. Abruptly, something sticky and warm shoots over his chest and he realizes the cock is coming.

He whines happily as one cock smears cum around his face while the other cock comes all over his chest, sliding through the sticky cum it’s giving him and rubbing it over his tight, sensitive nipples and all over his chest.

“You’re doing so good, Scotty. The cocks gave you lots of cum, didn’t they? You’re a filthy fucking mess. You look fucking gorgeous. You’ve never had this much cum on you, have you? The good news is there’s lots more cocks and lots more cum for you.”

Smiling, Scott’s shaking from happiness and excitement. The cock in his ass is still fucking him hard and the other two cocks are rubbing themselves over him, smearing their cum around.

But his mouth is feeling a little empty. Letting out a whine, Scott opens his mouth but keeps his head still. If his dom thinks he’s earned another cock, then he’ll get one.

“Hush, I have another cock for you right here.”

His face is being turned so his cum and spit covered cheek is pressed to the mattress and a new cock is nudging at his lips and Scott eagerly lets it slides into his mouth, gliding through the cum from all the other cocks that have given him cum already. He’s lost count of how many he’s had.

“Good boy. You know the rules: get it warmed up in your mouth but don’t suck on it. I think the cock in your ass is ready to come and fill you up with more cum.”

Scott relaxes, sealing his lips around the new cock in his mouth. The cock in his ass picks up speed and it’s fucking him even harder. Scott’s legs are feeling heavy, but thankfully, the chains are holding them up and he doesn’t have to worry about them.

The cock fucking him keeps up its unrelenting pace until it abruptly pulls out of him. Scott’s hole twitches from the sudden emptiness, but then the slick, sticky cock is pressing down into the crease between his thigh and his hip, sending arousal shooting through him.

He lets out a high pitched whine and tenses, waiting for what’s coming. Sure enough, the hard cock rubs back and forth a few times before streams of warm cum cover his stomach, chest, cock and balls. The cum gets everywhere and Scott’s so proud of himself. This cock fucked him really hard and it’s giving him so much cum because he did so good! This feels amazing.

“This cock’s got a lot of cum for you, doesn’t it? You did such a good job and I’m so proud of you. Fuck, you’re covered in cum now, you should see yourself. There’s cum all over you. Your face is covered in it, it’s still dripping out of your ass and you’re covered head to toe. You’ve never had this much cum on you, have you?”

Scott smiles around the cock in his mouth, feeling so damn happy.

His dom’s fingers slide something cool into his ass again and Scott waits patiently, rubbing his tongue over the head of the cock in his mouth. Scott knows he’s going to get another cock fucking him again soon. He’s lost count of how many cocks he’s had in his ass already, but it doesn’t matter.

Sure enough, there’s a new cock pushing at his rim a few moments later and when it slides into him, Scott’s breath catches because this one feels very different. It’s ribbed and the bumps on it catch on his rim as it glides in, tugging on the sensitive skin.

Moaning, Scott barely breathes as he waits for it to start fucking him. The cock slides into him slowly and when it thrusts, the pace is gentle and shallow, only a few of the ribs sliding past his rim on each thrust, but even those shallow thrusts light a new fire in his belly.

He’s making high pitched sounds around the cock in his mouth, his cock aching.

“That feels good, doesn’t it? This cock is gonna fuck you slower than the other one. It’s gonna give you cum, but you gotta earn it.”

Oh, Scott can definitely do that.

When his dom’s hands are back on his head, Scott can barely concentrate on the cock in his mouth when it starts to thrust because the new cock in his ass is making his rim tingle every time those ribs catch on their way in and out.

But when the cock in his mouth decides to fuck his mouth in a hard, deep rhythm, Scott is forced to divide his attention between his ass and his mouth. The cock in his mouth doesn’t slip too far into his throat and his dom is gripping his jaw so Scott doesn’t have to do anything but let it fuck his mouth, but he can’t decide what feels better: the cock fucking his ass or the one fucking his mouth. Jesus, he’s spoiled.

The cock in his mouth must have been very eager to get into Scott’s mouth because it starts to drip cum in his mouth much sooner than Scott had expected. But to his disappointment, his dom pulls his mouth off the cock after it’s just squirted a little bit of cum into his mouth.

“Hold on, Scotty. There’s another cock that’s desperate to come in your mouth too. They’re both ready to give you cum but you can’t do them at the same time, so you have to give them equal attention. Keep your eyes closed, just use your tongue to take care of both of them.”

Scott’s head is turned until he’s facing upwards and the cock from before nudges his lips and he lets it slide into his mouth, squirting a little bit of cum into his mouth. Then the cock is sliding away and another sticky, cum covered cock is bumping into the corner of his mouth and Scott turns his head and slides his lips around it. The second cock really was eager to get into his mouth and drips cum over his tongue, before it pulls back and it’s being replaced by the first cock.

Scott loses track of how many times he moves between them. Whenever one cock’s fucked his mouth for a bit and given him a bit more cum, it slides out of his mouth, sticky strands of cum clinging to his lips as the other cock glides in to take its place. They always give him just a little bit of cum so he can swallow when his mouth gets too full. He turns his head back and forth between them, keeping his eyes closed and his mouth open, letting his tongue and lips suckle on the sticky cocks as they take turns fucking his mouth and giving him more cum.

It’s so wonderful that Scott almost forgets about the ribbed cock that’s fucking him, until it suddenly picks up speed.

Thankfully, Scott was switching cocks at that moment or he would have choked on one of them. When the pace increases, the ribs on the cock firmly catch on his rim, sending jolts of arousal through him. But then one of the two cocks nudge his lips again, smearing sticky cum on it and Scott happily opens his mouth and lets it back in.

Eventually, the two cocks in his mouth have given him all of their cum and they disappear, but his dom turns his head to the side and slides a brand new cock into his mouth as a reward.

“Good boy. You liked those two cocks, didn’t you?”

The cock in his mouth starts to move, thrusting in and out of his sticky, cum filled mouth. One of his dom’s hands is on his chin, the other is rubbing the collar on his neck.

“You’re amazing, Scotty. You’re a filthy mess and you look gorgeous.” His dom’s voice is a bit shaky and when something presses against his cheek, he knows why. That’s his dom’s cock, rubbing against his cheek, smearing the cum and spit that’s covering his face.

He whines around the cock in his mouth, wanting his dom’s cock. Jesus, he’s really become a spoiled sub, hasn’t he? He isn’t just happy having lots of cocks, but now he’s being particular over which ones he wants.

But his dom just gives a fond chuckle and his warm, hard cock gently taps against his cheek as the other cock keeps fucking his mouth.

“You want your dom’s cock back in your mouth, don’t you? I’d give it to you, but my cock’s gonna fuck your ass soon so I’m saving my cum for that.”

Oh, that’s okay then. Scott happily sucks on the cock in his mouth and his dom’s cock taps and rubs his cheeks.

“Fuck, I’m gonna dream about this for the rest of my life,” his dom murmurs, sounding awed. “You look amazing, you have no idea.”

Scott smiles around the cock fucking his mouth.

“This cock’s ready to give you lots of cum and then the cock in your ass is gonna be ready to come too.”

Whining happily, Scott loosens his lips around the cock and eagerly waits until spurts of cum fill his mouth. The cock keeps coming, smearing the cum all over as it keeps thrusting in and out of his mouth. Cum drips out of the corner of his mouth and his dom’s warm cock rubs through the cum on his cheek.

“Jesus fucking Christ,” his dom breathes out. “That’s my good boy.”

The cock gently pulls out and Scott whines at the sudden emptiness in his mouth. But before he’s even opened his eyes to see what’s going on, a small but familiar shape is being pushed into his mouth.

It’s his gag plug. The bulb settles over his cum-covered tongue and Scott automatically closes his lips over the tapered end, calming at his mouth being filled again. His head is shifted and a soft strap settles across his cheeks and around the back of his head.

Warm lips kiss his forehead. “Good boy. I think the cock in your ass is ready to come now.”

The ribbed cock has continued fucking him in that hard rhythm and Scott eagerly suckles on the plug in his mouth as he waits for the cock to come and give him even more cum.

His dom’s cock and hands pull away and moments later, the cock in his ass slows and pulls out. The head of the cock rubs over his loose rim and plays with it, sliding in a few inches and pulling all the way back out and circling his sensitive rim. As it’s rubbing over his hole, the cock begins to leak warm cum all over his ass. The cock slides into his loose hole, pushing its cum inside of him. It slides back out, smearing its cum over his ass and thighs, squirting more cum as it rubs on him. Cum is leaking out of his hole and dripping down his ass and Scott feels amazing.

“Fuck, you look amazing, Scotty. I’ve never seen anybody with this much cum on them. You look gorgeous. I’m so proud of you. You’re my happy boy, aren’t you?”

Scott lets out a happy sound and smiles around the small cock in his mouth.

“Okay, it’s time for me to fuck you. I don’t know if you have room for more cum in there, but we’ll try.”

His dom’s chuckling as he says it and Scott’s laughs. It’s not possible for him to ever have too much cum.

His thighs are pressed apart and Scott waits, eager for his dom’s cock to fuck him. He’s had so many cocks and so much cum already, but his dom’s cock and his dom’s cum are special. No other cocks and no other cum will ever feel as special, no matter how well they fuck him or how much cum they give him.

His dom’s fingers rub over his loose rim and something cool is pushed into his hole, his dom’s finger gently thrusting in and out of him. His dom’s fingers feel a lot smaller than they actually are because of how many cocks he’s already had in his hole today.

“Fuck, look at this filthy, sloppy hole. It’s amazing. I could slip my whole hand in here if I wanted to, huh? You’d barely even feel it.”

The fingers slip out of him and his rim twitches, not liking being empty. But only seconds later, his dom’s familiar cock is sliding into him. It actually feels a bit strange because his dom’s cock doesn’t have those ribs, but his dom’s cock is warm and feels better than any other cock in the world.

Moaning happily, Scott relaxes and feels his dom’s cock filling him up, his dom’s balls brushing his sticky, cum covered ass.

“Fuck, I can feel how loose you are and you’re filled with sticky cum. You’re my beautiful, filthy slut, aren’t you? Jesus fucking Christ,” his dom breathes out and his cock thrusts into him hard.

Scott’s cock has been aching for a long time and he’s been too distracted to pay much attention to it but if his dom keeps fucking him like this, he’ll be coming soon.

His dom is gripping his thighs and fucking him hard. Scott tries to clench down on his cock but all his rim can do it twitch weakly around his dom’s cock, but his dom must feel it.

“Fuck! Oh, fucking—you’re gonna make me come. You want my cum, don’t you? You wanna feel your dom’s cum fill you up even after all the other cum you had tonight, huh?”

Whining around the cock in his mouth, Scott weakly flexes his rim around his dom’s cock.

“I wanna see you come, Scotty. Come on, I wanna see you cover that filthy, gorgeous chest with your cum.”

Bracing himself, Scott tries to obey the order…but he can’t do it. His cock is aching and desperate to come, but he can’t do it.

“Come on, Scotty. I wanna see you come.”

Opening his eyes, he stares down at his dom, feeling a little panicked. He was such a good boy and he doesn’t want to be a bad boy now! He—

Before he can get more anxious about it, his dom releases his grip on one of his thighs and wraps his sticky, slick hand around his cock while he keeps fucking him. He’s not stroking it, he’s just holding it in a tight grip and presses his warm thumb against the head, lightly rubbing over the slit.

“We’re gonna make you come. You’ve been my good boy and I love you and you’re amazing. I’m gonna fill you up with my cum and I want you to come when I give you every drop of my cum.”

Within a few thrusts, his dom’s cock is spurting cum into him, adding to the cum that’s already filling him up. His thumb is rubbing hard over the head of Scott’s cock, and all of that is enough to push him over the edge and he’s coming, cum oozing past his dom’s thumb as it slides over his slit.

His orgasm lasts longer than it normally does and he’s shaking by the time he’s done.

“Good boy! That’s my good boy! You did so good. Fuck, I’m so proud of you.”

His dom’s cock slides out of him and the emptiness feels even worse than it usually does, but he doesn’t have much time to ponder that because a small cock is sliding into him. He knows this small, bulb shaped cock. It feels smaller than it usually does and he can’t clench down it like he usually does, but it still fills him up.

He lies there, shaking but very happy. He’s had so many cocks today and so much cum! It had been a dream come true. Literally. He’s still floating and he lets his eyes drift closed. One of his legs is slowly lowered to the bed and gently stretched and massaged. It feels sore and numb and Scott whines a bit.

“Hush, this is necessary. Just relax, everything’s okay.”

His other leg receives the same treatment, then his arms are being slid down so they’re no longer stretched out on either side of his head. They’re sore too.

Now that he’s not getting fucked and he’s just sucking on his familiar little cock, he realizes how tired he is. But that’s okay. He’s covered in cum, his hole is stretched from taking so many cocks and it’s wonderful. He really wants to see the cum on himself and he manages to pry his eyes open enough to glance down at himself, seeing the sticky white cum covering his chest, stomach and his softening cock. He knows there’s tons on his face and neck and there’s cum leaking out of his ass, sneaking past the little cock that his ass still can’t properly clench around.

The bed dips and his dom appears above him, smiling down at him. “You wanna keep the cum on you, don’t you?”

Scott nods eagerly. It takes a lot of effort to nod his head, but that’s a question he absolutely has to answer.

His dom chuckles weakly and lies down next to him, pulling his cum-covered body against him while his dom’s lips kiss his sticky face. “We’re gonna be stuck together, but that’s a small price to pay to keep you looking gorgeous and covered in cum, huh?”

Scott smiles and closes his eyes, snuggling against his dom’s warm chest.

His dom’s arms wrap around his back and his thigh is hitched higher up as his dom’s fingers press the little cock back into his hole where it’s started to slip out.

“There we go. Fuck, your hole is a loose, sloppy mess, huh? You’re my happy, cum-soaked slut, aren’t you?” His dom’s voice sounds so fond.

Scott sighs happily and nods. Yes, yes he is. Being a cum-soaked slut makes him happy, but being his dom’s cum-soaked slut makes him even happier.

His dom chuckles and strong arms rub his back. “That was amazing, Scotty.” Ryan shifts and Scott’s chin is lifted. “You cold?”

Not bothering to open his eyes, Scott shakes his head. He’s very comfortable.

“Okay, go to sleep. I’ll pull the blanket up in a little while.”

Scott doesn’t need any coaxing because he’s out within minutes.

* * *

For the first time in his experience as a dom, Ryan’s thinking his plans had been a bit overly ambitious. He’d known that Scott would handle taking multiple cocks very well but he’s never done a scene with that many cocks before and he’d underestimated how much back and forth moving he’d have to do to keep things on track, not to mention how often he had to re-fill the squirting dildos.

They definitely need to buy more of them. They should probably get a dozen, just in case. And maybe Ryan can build something that’ll hold multiple cocks suspended over Scott’s head? They’re definitely doing this again, but Ryan will have to make some changes. He’d already been tired by the time he’d decided to fuck Scott and thinking back, he decides it might not have been the best idea to fuck Scott at the end. It had been amazing, but he’s exhausted.

Thankfully, Scott seems fine after the scene. Not just fine, but he seems very content. And of course he is. He’s got his plugs in, he’s covered in cum and has Ryan’s arm around him and he’s wearing his collar and his cuffs. Everything that’s good in Scott Jenkins’ world. And that makes it all worth it.

Ryan still can’t believe he’d managed to use all the cum Scott had made. Scott’s absolutely covered in cum head to toe and it’s an image Ryan’s going to dream about for the rest of his life. Fuck, Scott really had looked damn hot. The whole thing had been fantastic, but Ryan’s exhausted and it’s a struggle to stay awake while waiting for Scott to come back down.

When Scott wakes up, it’s a little uncomfortable prying themselves apart and no matter how hot Ryan thinks Scott looks, he needs to clean them up.

Rolling Scott onto his back, Ryan wipes them both down as much as he can and gives Scott some water before slipping the plug back into his mouth—as per Scott’s fingerspelled request.

Scott fingerspells that his legs are still sore so Ryan lies down at his feet and massages and stretches them for a while, too tired to sit up properly. It works fine until Scott pulls his legs away crawls down to him, dropping onto Ryan and rubbing his gag covered face on Ryan’s chest.

Chuckling, Ryan wraps his arms around Scott. He needs to get them back to the head of the bed where the pillows are and he needs to get the blanket over them, but that can wait a few minutes. He does reach down every once in a while to slide the plug more securely into Scott’s hole, which always makes Scott sigh gratefully.

“So, what’s your verdict?” Ryan mumbles into Scott’s hair, rubbing his back. “You thinking you may wanna do that again someday?”

Scott’s only response is laughing against Ryan’s chest and raising a shaky hand, holding his thumb and index fingers extended. Once he’s stopped laughing, Scott slowly extends his pinky finger, deliberately changing the sign from an indication of scene enjoyment to telling Ryan he loves him. With a soft sigh, Scott drops his hand to the mattress, probably too tired to keep holding it up.

Ryan smiles into his hair and wraps his arms and legs around him. “I love you too. You’re amazing and we did awesome.”


	30. Chapter 30

They sleep until noon on Sunday, both exhausted for different reasons. When Scott wakes up, Ryan’s still sprawled out next to him, snoring softly and his hair sticking up in every direction. It makes Scott smile fondly. Jesus, he loves this man.

Scott relaxes into his pillow. His ass, legs and arms are sore and there’s dry, itchy cum in places where Ryan hadn’t wiped it off properly. When he lifts his wrist cuffs, he sees some dried white patches on there too. He’ll have to spend extra time cleaning his precious cuffs. They’d done such a great job during the scene yesterday and they deserve to get nice and clean.

He should get up and shower and he’s also thirsty and starving. Pretty normal for a morning-after-a-scene. But it’s much nicer to stay where he is, relaxing under the fluffy blanket, touching his chain collar and watching his dom sleep.

Eventually, Ryan groans and wakes up, blinking sleepily.

“Morning, sleepy,” Scott whispers, reaching over and running his fingers down Ryan’s cheek.

Ryan smiles. “Morning,” he mumbles. “How’re you feeling?”

Scott grins. “Fantastic. Yesterday was all my fantasies rolled into one.”

Chuckling sleepily, Ryan yawns. “We did good, huh?”

“Did you love it as much as I did?”

“It was one of the best scenes I’ve ever done. Exhausting but awesome.”

Smiling, Scott rubs his fingers over Ryan’s cheek. “So we can do that again?”

“Oh, definitely. But you gotta gimme at least two weeks to recover.”

Chuckling, Scott shifts over and kisses him. “Absolutely. Now, go back to sleep.”

Ryan must really be exhausted because he doesn’t need any coaxing. His eyes drift shut and within a few minutes, he’s fallen asleep again.

Scott relaxes against the pillow, rubbing his collar and watching his dom getting some well-deserved rest.

Unfortunately, having time to lie around has its downsides. They’d been so busy at work lately and before that, everything had happened so fast with Scott moving in with Ryan that his anxiety hasn’t had time to remind him about his old fear. But as he’s lying there, watching Ryan sleep, that voice in his head starts up again. It reminds him that he’s not good enough for Ryan. That Ryan will eventually find a sub who deserves him and then Ryan will take his collar and his apartment back and Scott will lose all of this.

But when he starts to get sad about it, the voice sternly reminds him that he has no right to feel sad about it. It’s what Scott deserves. He’s never deserved Ryan in his life—as a friend, a partner or a dom—and Ryan’s not an idiot and he’ll eventually realize that. Everybody else Scott’s ever cared about has eventually left him, so Ryan won’t be any different.

Squeezing his eyes shut against the pain that squeezes his heart, Scott reaches up with shaking hands and rubs the padlock on the collar. The padlock key is sitting right there, on the bedside table. Ryan can take it off him whenever he wants and push Scott out of his life within seconds.

Scott tries reasoning with the voice. He points out that Ryan’s never said Scott doesn’t deserve him. He’s never seemed unhappy with Scott as a friend or a sub. He’s the one who’d asked Scott to move in with him. He’s the one who had brought up giving Scott the collar in the first place.

But even if all that is true, there’s another, more troubling side to all this. Even if Ryan’s happy with Scott, how long will he put up with Scott doubting their relationship? Nobody wants to deal with somebody who constantly doubts themselves and their relationship. That’ll eventually get annoying and that’s another reason Ryan might want to get rid of him.

So no matter what, Scott will lose Ryan one day. Sadly, there’s nothing he can do about it. All he can do is cling to every moment they have together until Ryan gets rid of him.

* * *

Once Ryan’s awake, he’s still tired and worn out from yesterday’s scene. The advantage to that is Ryan doesn’t notice that Scott isn’t as cheerful as he usually is the mornings after scenes and Scott leaves him to keep dozing while he goes to shower and makes them breakfast. Keeping busy always helps push his anxiety away and by the time they’re done eating, his anxious thoughts have fallen silent.

As Ryan’s loading the dishwasher, Scott leans against the kitchen counter. “Can I help with clean up?”

“You got another stack of dirty dishes around? Were those gourmet scrambled eggs, Jenkins?”

Chuckling, Scott rolls his eyes. “I meant scene clean up. If it’s something you wanna do yourself, that’s fine, but I’d like to help.”

Ryan grins. “Sure!”

Excited by the prospect of staying busy—and pushing those dark thoughts back—Scott jumps into the clean up tasks. He opens up the shutters and window in the play room to let in the icy cold winter air and changes the sheets on the bed, tossing the dirty ones in the wash. Ryan does maintenance on the fuck machine—which has definitely earned some tender, loving care—and does something to some of the D-rings on one of the bed posts that he doesn’t like the look of. Meanwhile, Scott scrubs his cuffs with soap and hangs them up to dry. He refills the small bottles of lube using the enormous bottle that lives inside the wardrobe and takes all the dildos out to the kitchen to wash them.

Ryan comes out of the play room a while later, holding the bottles of cum, the water bottles and his half-eaten snacks.

“Gimme the cum bottles, I’ll wash them in the sink.” Scott says, shifting over a bit so Ryan can dump the empty cum bottles in the sink to join the dildos.

As Scott scrubs one of the dildos, he listens to Ryan moving around, putting the water bottle in the drying rack and the crinkling of snack bags as he puts away the leftover snacks. Then he wanders over to the coffee table to grab his phone and he comes back into the kitchen and leans against the counter next to Scott, scrolling through his phone as Scott washes the dildos. Everything feels so comfortable. So right.

It occurs to Scott how much he’s already settled into living here with Ryan. He’s so comfortable in this apartment and he loves being able to spend every single day with Ryan. Once Ryan decides to get rid of him, Scott won’t just be losing his dom. He’ll be losing the love of his life and his best friend. Not to mention that he’ll lose Claire, movie nights and his wonderful home. He has no idea how he’ll ever recover from that. He probably won’t. He’d lost his entire world once before and that had nearly killed him. He doubts he’ll survive a second round.

“Earth to Scotty Jenkins. Are you listening to me?”

Blinking, Scott glances at Ryan, who’s leaning against the counter and has apparently been talking to him for a while. “Huh?”

Ryan frowns at him. “I said that ballistics just emailed us. The results are in for our shoot-out case. Turns out, we have three different calibers of bullets but we only found two guns, remember? That’s gonna spice things up.” He sounds excited.

Scott stares at him. “Uh huh.” He can barely follow what Ryan’s saying, despite having talked about the case a few hours ago.

Ryan’s frown deepens. “You okay? What’s wrong?”

Taking a deep breath, Scott gives his head a shake and stares down at the soapy water filled with dildos and empty plastic bottles. “Nothing, I’m fine.”

Snorting, Ryan gently hip-checks him. “No, you’re not. You were a bit off this morning but I just thought you were tired from yesterday. You seemed fine at work but now you’re upset about something again.”

Pressing his lips together, Scott’s heart races. If Ryan finds out what he’s been thinking about, he’ll either use that as an opening to get rid of Scott, or he’ll get annoyed at Scott’s doubts and get rid of him. Either way, Scott will lose all of this. He can’t…he can’t tell Ryan. He just has to do a better job of pretending everything’s fine and then Ryan will allow him to maintain the illusion that Scott’s good enough to be his sub and live in his apartment for a little while longer. He doesn’t want to lose all of this. Not yet. Please, please, _please_ , not yet. His hands are shaking where they’re gripping the edge of the counter and he’s close to tears.

“Scotty? Come sit down.”

He’s frozen, his mind swirling with a dozen different thoughts, some of them in complete contradiction to each other, but it doesn’t matter. That cruel voice is laughing and shrieking in his head, telling him he’s screwing everything up. He’s proving to Ryan _right now_ that he doesn’t deserve him. He’s not following his plan of convincing Ryan that everything’s fine. He’s destroying everything all by himself because he’s a stupid whore.

A hand grabs his arm and he’s being pulled away from the sink. His feet numbly follow where he’s being led and he’s being pulled onto the couch, landing on Ryan’s lap, his back pressed to Ryan’s chest and Ryan’s chin digging into his shoulder.

One of Ryan’s hands lightly wraps around Scott’s throat, which makes Scott want to burst into grateful tears. He’s ruining everything but his dom is still protecting him. Even when his dom’s preparing to take his collar back forever and gently shove him out the door, he’ll treat Scott kindly right up until the end because that’s how amazing Ryan is.

How will Scott live without him? How will Scott ever replace him when Ryan’s his entire world? He can’t—he can’t—he can’t—please, please, _please_ —

“I’m gonna cover your mouth and nose with my hand and I’m gonna count down from three,” Ryan says quietly into his ear. “You’re gonna take a deep breath and I’m gonna stop you from breathing. I’m gonna count down and I’m gonna let you breathe when I reach one. Then I’m gonna tell you to breathe and you’re only gonna breathe when I tell you to. Keep your hands relaxed. The second you lift your hands to your face or touch my hands, I’m gonna let go. Understand?”

Scott’s torn about this. On one hand, he wants the raging fire in his head to stop, but once it does, he’ll have to talk to Ryan about this and that’ll lead to the end. But he owes Ryan his words. If nothing else, he owes him that. And Scott has just enough self-respect that if this is really the end, he wants to be as strong as he can be. Numbly, Scott nods and prepares for himself.

Ryan counts down from three, his lips by Scott’s ear as Scott takes deep breaths in preparation. When Ryan reaches one, he pinches Scott’s nose shut and covers his mouth, cutting off Scott’s breathing.

“Ten…nine…eight…”

Scott slumps against Ryan’s chest, relaxing as he listens to Ryan counting down. His heart rate slows and the voice in his head starts to fade as his body focuses on the lack of oxygen instead of his anxious thoughts.

“…four…three…two…one and breathe.”

Sucking in a deep breath, Scott exhales and waits for his dom’s order.

“Five, breathe.”

Breath in, breath out.

“Four, breathe.”

Breath in, breath out.

The rest of the world disappears and Scott closes his eyes, listening to Ryan’s whispered counting. When they reach the last breath, Ryan tells him to hold it and covers his nose and mouth again, his grip strong. There’s no doubt that Scott can’t breathe when his dom is covering his nose and mouth. He doesn’t need to. His dom knows exactly when Scott has to breathe so he doesn’t have to think about it. He just has to follow his dom’s instructions.

“…seven…six…five…”

The voice in his head has faded completely and his world is calm once again. He’s with his dom, who’s controlling his breathing and keeping a warm hand wrapped around his throat because he loves Scott and he’ll always jump into battle when Scott needs his help, even if Scott can’t ask for help using his words.

Eventually, Scott notices his dom is only doing the breathing count and Scott’s been slumped against him, relaxed and breathing calmly for a while.

Ryan’s voice never changes, he just keeps counting, one hand gently wrapped around Scott’s throat and the other on his belly.

When Scott stirs and opens his eyes, Ryan’s counting stops. “How do you feel? We can keep sitting here as long as you want.”

“I feel better,” Scott whispers. His words are back and he feels really good, but then he’s reminded that now he has to talk about his fears and—

Abruptly, Ryan’s hand comes up to his nose and mouth but his fingers only loosely wrap around his face, not blocking his breathing, just a reminder. “Breathe, Scotty. Don’t let your anxiety get you riled up, it doesn’t deserve your energy. Focus on my hand on your throat and on your face. You tell your anxiety that if it starts again, I’ll just tighten my hand around your nose and mouth and we’ll banish it. There’s no point to it even showing up.”

Scott smiles beneath Ryan’s hand, feeling so safe with his dom’s hands on his throat and face. It’s a very vulnerable position to be in, but the thought of being scared is ridiculous. His dom would never hurt him. Never.

Well, his dom will eventually hurt him, but that’s a different type of pain. But before the anxiety can start up again, Scott decides to just get it out in the open. There’s never been a situation in their relationship—both professional and personal—that they hadn’t been able to solve once they’d put their heads together. Maybe, just maybe, there’s a solution to this problem that won’t involve Ryan taking his collar back and throwing Scott out?

But before Scott can start talking, Ryan asks him something surprising. “You wanna wear your collar? Will that make you feel better?”

Just the thought of getting to wear his collar makes him want to cry. He frantically nods his head and Ryan rubs his cheek with his thumb and kisses his shoulder. “Okay, hang on. I’m gonna go get it.”

Ryan releases him and Scott sinks to the floor on his knees, clasping his hands behind his back and bowing his head, trembling as he waits for his collar.

Ryan runs into the play room and he’s back seconds later. There’s a soft familiar clinking sound and the cool metal chain is being wrapped around his neck. There’s the click of the lock being shut and Ryan pulls the lock to the front, the links on the collar sliding along his skin. When Ryan releases the heavy padlock, it hangs down, a comforting weight around his neck.

Scott reaches up for the collar, rubbing his fingers over the smooth metal links and tugging on the thick padlock, reassuring himself that it’s locked.

“It’s not gonna come off,” Ryan reassures him quietly. “Unless we have to go to work, you can wear it every second of every day, if you want to.”

Well, that’s the problem, isn’t it? Scott _can_ wear it…but only if his dom lets him. And once his dom decides he’s had enough of him, then no more collar. The anxiety threatens to well up inside of him again, but Ryan’s moving. He sits on the recliner and puts the legs up. “Come sit with me.”

Having his dom holding him will hopefully keep the simmering flames from bursting into a full inferno again so Scott climbs onto Ryan and lies down with his back pressed to Ryan’s chest.

Ryan wraps his arms around him and rests his chin on Scott’s shoulder. “You want my hand on your neck?” He whispers.

Scott’s nodding before his brain has even thought about it. “Yes, please.”

Ryan’s hand slides up his shirt and lightly wraps around his throat and Scott slumps against him, that bone-deep contentment settling through him. But there’s a little voice telling him that only one thing would make him feel even better. In fact, he should ask Ryan to do that other thing right now.

Out of nowhere, Scott opens his mouth to ask Ryan to please put his other hand on his cock…

…but thankfully, he manages to snap his mouth shut before that weirdness can come out. Blinking, he frowns, wondering where the hell that thought had come from. It had come out of nowhere, just like Scott’s weird desire to be naked around Ryan. He’s tense; torn between wanting to explore that weird new thought versus shoving it away and actually talking about what Ryan wants him to talk about.

Ryan tits his head and looks at him with a frown. “What’s wrong? We don’t have to sit like this if you’re not comfortable. It’s okay to change your mind, you know that.”

“I—no, I’m fine. Just gimme a sec,” Scott mumbles, his heart hammering in his chest.

Very cautiously, Scott pokes the thought he’d had. Does he really want Ryan’s hand on his cock? The flare of desperate want that lights up in his belly gives an immediate answer: yes, yes, he does. But it’s not a sexual thing. He doesn’t want things to turn sexual right now.

He just knows he’ll feel safe if Ryan’s protecting his throat and his cock with his hands. As soon as he makes the connection with his neck, he understands why he wants this so desperately. His cock and his neck are both very sensitive parts of his body. They’re easy to damage and when bad people have control of either of them, the end result can be devastating. His heart is protected by a strong, thick ribcage, but these other parts of his body have nothing to protect them. That’s why the thought of his dom protecting both of them appeals to him so much.

He knows it’s weird. It’s very, very weird…but if he doesn’t ask, then nothing will happen. Also, if he doesn’t ask now, then his anxiety will grab hold of this idea and he’ll never have the courage to ask. Even if Ryan isn’t into the idea, he won’t shame him for having it. Scott knows that. He _knows_ that. “Can—can I ask a favor? A weird favor?”

“Of course.”

“It’s a really weird one.”

“Will it make you feel good?” Ryan asks, his tone light, like that’s the only thing that matters.

Swallowing and feeling his throat moving against Ryan’s warm hand on his throat, Scott nods frantically. “Yeah.”

“Then as long as it’s safe and it’s not one of my hard limits, I’ll do it.”

Scott blinks. “You…don’t even know what it is.”

“Doesn’t matter. The only time I won’t do something for you is if it’s unsafe for either of us or if it’s one of my hard limits. And even then, we’d talk about it and I’d do my best to compromise.”

Well, it’s not unsafe and it’s not one of the hard limits Ryan’s told him about. It’s just…weird. But Ryan’s casual attitude about it makes Scott think that maybe it’s not that weird…

…and he grabs that thought and barrels forward before his anxiety can remind him that yes, it’s very weird. “Can you hold my cock while we talk?”

He practically _hears_ Ryan blink behind him as Ryan tries to absorb this abrupt topic change. “You…want me to get you off? I don’t mind, but I wanted to talk about what’s bothering you. We can talk later, but—”

Scott shakes his head, feeling Ryan’s hand moving against his throat. “No, not for sex reasons. I just…I would feel really good if my dom’s holding my cock. Like you’re holding my throat.”

The words sound really bad coming out of his mouth and he tenses, waiting for Ryan’s response.

Ryan’s gently rubbing his thumb on Scott’s throat and he kisses Scott’s shoulder. “I’d love to, but if you’re gonna get turned on, that’ll confuse things. You know you still have a hard time separating physical affection from sex, and me holding your cock might complicate things. What do you think?”

That’s true, but… “You’re right and I know that’s a problem, but I’ve calmed down a lot, haven’t I? I don’t get turned on when you put my collar on or when I touch it and I helped with scene prep and clean up, didn’t I? I know those are small steps but…”

“But I agree that they’re important. If you wanna work on this, then I’m all for it.”

“So…you wouldn’t mind holding my cock?”

Ryan chuckles. “Scotty, holding any part of you is a privilege, especially if me holding you will make you feel safe. But if you get too turned on, I’m gonna let go, okay? Focus on telling me what’s bothering you and hopefully, you’ll settle into it. And if you do get turned on, I’m not gonna get you off. Normally, I would, but that would completely defeat the purpose of what we’re trying to do.”

Scott nods. “I agree. If I get too turned on, just let go and talk to me about something else until it goes away. But I might get turned on a little bit.”

“That’s fine. Is it okay if I keep my hand on top of your sweatpants?”

A little glimmer of disappointment runs through Scott. He’d been hoping that Ryan would hold his bare cock, just like he does with Scott’s throat, but it’s a smart way to start things. He needs to just be grateful that Ryan’s doing this for him in the first place. He wants to laugh at himself. Look at how spoiled he’s getting! Jesus. “That’s a good idea.”

“Okay, let’s try this.”

Scott watches Ryan’s hand on his stomach sliding down his shirt and over the waistband of his sweatpants. His breathing picks up as a little hint of arousal burns his belly and he closes his eyes and takes deep breaths. Not a sex thing, not a sex thing, not a sex thing. Come on, body! Cooperate! It’s gonna feel great, but only if you cooperate.

Ryan slides over his cock and his hand gently curls to cup his soft cock through his sweatpants. His grip is very loose, but Scott can feel the warmth of his hand and the effect sends a rush of different emotions through him. He feels cold and hot at the same time and a tingle runs up his back and down his arms, making his hands shake.

He lets out a choked sob, overwhelmed with how intense it feels. Scott has no idea how to put it into words, but having his dom hold his cock like this is very intense. Knowing that his dom is keeping him safe is part of it, as is knowing that Ryan won’t hurt the vulnerable parts of him that he’s holding. Then there’s knowing that his dom is willing to hold him like this just because Scott asked. But that’s not the full extent of it. Having his dom hold his cock like this makes him feel very submissive and that feels very right. He’s shaking and struggling to breathe as his heart races.

“You okay, Scotty? Is it too much?”

“No,” he whispers. “No, it’s perfect. I don’t—I feel—I feel a little turned on, but not a lot. Mostly, I just feel really good. I feel safe. I feel…I’ve never felt this submissive before. Ever. I’m barely in subspace, but I just feel…it feels so right,” he whispers, his throat tight.

Keeping his eyes closed, he focuses on his dom’s solid body behind him, one of his dom’s strong hands lightly wrapped around his throat, right above his collar and the other gently cupping his cock, protecting him from the world. Ryan’s his shield, wrapped around him and keeping the darkness back with the intense light that burns in his soul. Ryan’s a protective angel and he’s wrapped his wings around Scott. Nothing can hurt him now. “I feel so loved,” he chokes out.

Ryan’s hands twitch, tightening their grasp a little bit but Scott doesn’t think Ryan’s aware of it. “That’s because you are,” Ryan whispers into his ear.

Scott lies there, basking in how good he feels. He’s floating a bit and he’s a little turned on, but not too much. His body slowly settles into this incredible new experience and the intensity gradually decreases a bit.

Slowly, he opens his eyes. He doesn’t just feel safe and loved, but he’s comfortable too. Like he’s spent his entire life searching for this place, right here and now he’s finally found it. “I’ve never been this comfortable in my entire life,” he mumbles. “I hope you’re comfortable cause I never wanna move from here.”

Ryan chuckles behind him and the laugh vibrates through both of them. “Trust me, I’m not complaining.”

Scott can hear that Ryan’s voice is a bit tense, but his body feels relaxed. That usually means one thing. “Are you in domspace?”

“Oh, yeah. My sub asked me to hold his throat and cock because that makes him feel safe. I don’t think I’m feeling as good as you were a few minutes ago, but it’s pretty close. It’s intense.”

Scott smiles. “And I’m not really turned on. Just a bit.” His cock is a little stiff, but the arousal is low enough that Scott can easily ignore it. Good job, body.

“I know, I can feel it.” Ryan kisses his shoulder and Scott can feel the smile in his voice. “I’m proud of you.”

Looking down, Scott looks at Ryan’s hand cupped around his cock through his sweatpants. Scott’s legs aren’t spread very wide and it occurs to him that if he spreads his legs a bit more, Ryan could get his hand a bit further down and not just hold his cock, but his balls too and that sends another flare of want through him. Not sexual want, but just a need that’s desperate to be filled.

Scott knows by now what he needs to do. If he thinks about his new idea too long, his anxiety will grab hold of it. It’s best to just blurt it out, get it out into the open and assess it together with Ryan. “Can I spread my legs a bit more?”

Ryan chuckles. “Keeping your legs closed isn’t their default position, huh? Do they start cramping if they stay closed for too long?”

Scott laughs. “Of course they do. Being a slut has some downsides. Not many, but some. And none of this should be news to you.”

Ryan’s chuckle turns into a laugh that vibrates through them and Ryan gives his cock a gentle pat. “Go ahead and assume a more natural position. We can’t have you being uncomfortable.”

Now that Ryan’s onboard, Scott spreads his legs as much as he can…but he hadn’t thought this through very well and the result isn’t what he’d hoped for. The sweatpants tighten across his groin and Ryan’s hand is barely touching his cock. Making a face, Scott looks down at his pants. He’ll need to get looser sweatpants. Or maybe he can put on boxers? Neither he nor Ryan wear boxers, but he can buy—

“You wanna take your pants off? And before you say anything, yes, I can feel you’re not wearing any underwear. If you didn’t wear underwear for work, I’d think you were allergic to them.”

Scott freezes at Ryan’s words and his breath catches. “Are you sure?” He gasps out, desperately hoping that Ryan _is_ sure. Just the thought of being naked on his dom’s lap while his dom holds his cock is so intense that Scott can barely breathe. All of his weird dreams would come true at the same time.

“About your allergy to underwear that seems to be tied to being at home? Oh, trust me, I’ve noticed. So has my cock. And neither of us have complained, have we?”

Scott can’t even laugh at Ryan’s jokes because he’s still clinging to what Ryan had said. “About—about—”

Ryan’s teeth close over his ear lobe and tug gently before he’s whispering into Scott’s ear. “Am I sure about holding your cock while you’re naked in my lap? Absolutely. Only if you want to. Or I can slide my hand into your pants.”

Trying to rein in his excitement, Scott clenches his jaw and tries to calm down. “But you said you wanted to do it over my pants.”

“Yeah, because I thought you’d get too turned on. But you’re doing really well and if you think you can handle it, then we can push it a bit.”

Scrambling off Ryan, Scott shoves his sweatpants down, his hands shaking. When he’s pulled them off, he glances at Ryan, who’s lying on the recliner, looking at him with a small smile.

Without thinking about it, Scott grabs hold of his shirt hem and raises an eyebrow at Ryan.

Ryan’s smile widens. “What? You really think I’ll say ‘no thanks’? You know I love seeing you wearing nothing but my collar.”

Scott laughs and pulls his shirt off, dropping it on the floor. “Oh, good. I wanna make sure you’re getting something out of this too.”

Blinking hard, Ryan stares at Scott. “If you think I’m not getting a lot out of this, you’re not paying attention. You’re letting me touch really vulnerable parts of you while you’re wearing nothing but my collar and you’re doing it because you trust me. Believe me, two seconds after you’re lying down again, I’m gonna be feeling things I’ve never felt before.”

Smiling softly, Scott’s about to climb back on Ryan when Ryan frowns. “Wait a sec. You wanna turn the thermostat up a few degrees? If you’re gonna be lying here naked, I don’t want you getting cold.”

Scott raises his eyebrows. “And you’re gonna be happy baking? You’re gonna have me on top of you _and_ you’re wearing clothes.”

“I’ll be fine, but I won’t enjoy myself if I think you’re cold. Just turn it up a bit. Please? For me?”

It’s really not necessary, but Scott goes to the thermostat and turns it up half a degree as a compromise before going back to the recliner and grinning down at Ryan.

Ryan spreads his arms. “Ready whenever you are.”

Scott slowly climbs onto the recliner and turns around, lying down on Ryan again. The feel of Ryan’s clothes against his bare skin is already intense and Scott spreads his legs, letting them dangle over the arms of the chair, exposing his cock for his dom.

Blowing out a breath, Scott’s heart is racing again and he can’t believe how incredible he already feels. Resting his head against Ryan’s shoulder, Scott tilts his head back. Now his throat and cock are both exposed. It’s the most vulnerable position he’s ever put himself into when he’s level-headed, and he doesn’t feel any fear. Not a single hint of it. It just feels...right.

Ryan tenses behind him and his breathing quickens. Ryan’s cock is a little hard against Scott’s ass.

“Fuck, Scotty,” Ryan whispers, his voice tight. “You—fuck. I can’t even tell you how I’m feeling right now.”

Scott’s shaking with anticipation. “Well, it’s about to get even better. You wanna put your hands back where they belong?”

Ryan’s left hand moves first, lightly wrapping around his throat and settling right above his collar. Scott’s pulse thuds against Ryan’s thumb and there’s a little hint of pressure as Ryan’s hand presses very lightly against his trachea.

He wants to close his eyes, but he doesn’t want to miss seeing what Ryan’s other hand will do. Ryan’s right hand moves, slowly heading down towards his soft cock and Scott’s breathing in short bursts, his chest rising and falling rapidly.

His dom’s hand reaches his cock and gently cups it. With Scott’s legs spread like this, Ryan’s warm hand easily curls around his cock and his fingers slide under his balls. Ryan’s wrist is pressed right against his cock and Scott can’t breathe.

“You okay?” Ryan whispers, his voice sounding rough.

Scott struggles to draw in a breath, overwhelmed by some of the most intense emotions he’s ever felt. Closing his eyes, he tries to swallow against the lump in his throat. The combined effect of Ryan’s strong, warm hands on his throat and his cock is amazing.

“Scotty, if it’s too intense, I can grab a towel or something.”

“Please—please don’t move,” Scott gasps out. “Please. Please, please, _please_.”

Kissing Scott’s temple, Ryan’s nose brushes over his cheek. “I won’t, I promise. You feel good?”

“I feel—I feel better than good. I’ve never felt like this before,” Scott chokes out. “It feels so right. I don’t know why, but it does.”

Ryan’s lips brush over his cheeks and his thumb gently rubs against his throat. His other hand stays still around Scott’s cock and balls, holding them in a firm but gentle grip.

Scott’s never felt this loved and protected. He wants to tell Ryan how he’s feeling, but he has no idea what words to use. Instead, he holds up his hand and extends his thumb, index finger and pinky finger, making the ASL sign for ‘I love you’.

Ryan takes a deep breath and kisses his temple. “I love you too. You’re feeling great, I’m feeling great and I think we’ll stay here for the rest of our lives, okay?”

That would usually earn Ryan a chuckle, but Scott’s still feeling too overwhelmed to do more than smile. He lies there, basking in the intensity of what he’s feeling.

Gradually, he starts to calm down as his body adjusts. Ryan’s hands feel like they’re a part of him, like they’re exactly where they’ve always been meant to be. Like protecting Scott is what Ryan’s hands were designed to do. “It reminds me of the chains,” Scott mumbles, his voice a little rough.

“Hmm?”

“You know I love the chains cause they hold onto me, right? I can trust them and I know they won’t let me fall. They keep me safe.”

“Yeah,” Ryan whispers.

“Your hands are like chains. They keep me safe. I don’t have to worry about falling when you’re holding me like this. Does that sound dumb?”

Ryan’s silent for a moment but his hands tighten just a bit around his throat and cock. “No,” he breathes out, sounding choked up. “No, it’s not dumb.”

Smiling, Scott turns his head and nuzzles Ryan’s neck with his nose. “You’re amazing.”

Ryan’s hand on his throat shifts a bit and pushes up on his chin, making Scott tilt his head up enough for Ryan to kiss him. “We have that in common,” Ryan whispers against his lips.

Scott slumps against Ryan, feeling calm and very happy. He’s in a strong, warm cage made up of his dom’s arms and nothing can hurt him, not even his anxiety. His anxiety has no chance to build up momentum when he’s in his dom’s protection like this. Which means this is the perfect time to tell Ryan what the stupid anxiety has been saying lately and maybe Ryan will have a solution. “Can I tell you what’s been bothering me?”

“Sure.”

Scott takes a deep breath and swallows against Ryan’s hand. “I’m scared you’re gonna take your collar back.”

“If we go to work? We can get you a day collar if you want one. Trust me, it would be good for both of us. Just the idea of looking at you during the day and seeing you wearing my collar will probably make my brain leak outta my ears. Just say the word and I’ll get you one.”

Scott shakes his head. Ryan’s mentioned loving the idea of Scott wearing a day collar multiple times now and while it’s not something that would help Scott, he files away the information for later. Right now, he wants to stay focused on the much bigger problem. “No, that’s not the problem. The problem isn’t me not wearing a collar. It’s me being worried that you’re not gonna give it back.”

“Why would I do that?” Ryan sounds confused.

“Cause I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve you.”

Ryan’s hands tense around him and he presses his face to Scott’s. “That’s _not_ true. It’s never been true and it’ll never _be_ true.”

Scott sighs softly. “A part of me knows that, but my stupid anxiety won’t let me accept it. It keeps going round and round in circles, telling me I’m not good enough for you, that I’m a pathetic, needy whore, that you’re gonna get tired of me, that you’re gonna want a better sub—it’s just never ending. I can’t make it stop.”

Ryan’s quiet for a moment. “When does it happen? What triggers it?”

“Nothing specific. That’s the problem. The thoughts are always there in the back of my head. If I’m distracted with other things then they stay quiet, but they always come back.”

“The breathing control helps, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah, but—”

“But that’s not enough,” Ryan mumbles. He seems to be thinking out loud. “Is there anything I can do that’ll prove to you that I don’t need or want anybody else?”

“That’s—that’s the other problem. I’m getting worried that even if those things aren’t true and you’re happy with how things are, you’re eventually gonna get tired of my stupid issues and you’re gonna get rid of me because of that. So I can’t win. Either way, I’m scared I’m gonna lose you. The longer this keeps going, the more scared I’m gonna get that you’ll reach the end of your rope and that’ll just make me even more anxious and annoying and it’ll turn into a vicious downward spiral.”

Scott’s lived through a lot of downward spirals and the only thing he’s good at is speeding up the downward progress.

Ryan’s breathing hard and he’s still tense. His hand tightens around Scott’s cock and he releases Scott’s throat to grab his hair and pull his head back in a tight grip.

The sudden shift makes Scott’s breath catch and arousal spikes through him but he knows this isn’t about sex.

“We’re gonna figure out how to stop this downward spiral, you hear me?” Ryan growls into his ear.

“I—”

“Hush. I’m talking to that stupid voice in your head. Close your eyes.”

Scott snaps his mouth shut and closes his eyes, his dom’s warm breath against his cheek and his dom’s hand tightly gripping his hair, a solid anchor, leaving no room for argument from his anxiety.

“I don’t care what stupid crap you put into Scotty’s head, I’m not gonna let you win. I’m not gonna let you destroy the best thing that’s ever happened to me and to him. If you’re just waiting for me to roll over and give up, you’re gonna be fucking disappointed. I’m never gonna stop fighting for what Scotty and I have and I know I’m stronger than you,” Ryan hisses into his ear. “I’m gonna win. You hear me? I’m gonna win and the only way you’ll take Scotty away from me is over my dead body.”

His dom is tense with anger, not at Scott but at his stupid anxiety.

Scott melts against him and his anxiety is silent, cowed by his dom’s aggression. Relief floods through him and Scott wants to cry. His dom won’t just sit back and wait for his anxiety to destroy what they have. He’s wading into the battle and he’ll help Scott fight.

Ryan’s hand loosens its grip on his hair and wraps around his throat again, rubbing his collar. Ryan’s lips are pressing firm kisses to his cheek and temple. “We’re gonna figure this out,” he whispers, not sounding angry but still firm. “I promise, we’re gonna figure this out. We’re gonna win. That’s not even a question. We’re gonna beat this thing and we’re gonna win. I promise.”

Scott doesn’t respond because he doesn’t have to. There’s nothing to be said. If his dom says he’ll find a way to fix this, then he will.


	31. Chapter 31

Ryan thinks about the problem for a few days. He realizes words won’t be enough. Scott’s anxiety is made up of words and if Ryan continues trying to combat it with his own words, they’ll just be shouting at each other and the winner will be decided on how Scott feels on a particular day. It’s a lot like working a case. If all they have are conflicting eye witness accounts, it’s tough to convince a jury to believe one set of words over another. That’s why physical evidence is always best.

That gives Ryan an idea. He needs to find solid, physical evidence that will demonstrate his commitment to Scott and prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Ryan loves him and their relationship.

He considers getting some type of bracelet for himself. Some people wear matching dom-sub jewelry, but that’s not permanent enough. Scott’s mentioned that his anxiety feeds off the temporary nature of the collar—the fact that Ryan can decide to take it off Scott whenever he wants. A bracelet won’t be enough. He needs to find something permanent.

Ironically, the solution comes to him at work the next day when he’s looking through a suspect’s file on the computer and sees the dozen mug shots the guy has gifted the police department with over the years. The guy’s not wearing a shirt in one of the pictures and the second Ryan stares at him, he knows he found the answer.

* * *

A few days later, Ryan tells Scott he’s gonna be home late.

“Okay,” Scott mumbles, eyes skimming over the report he’s just about to finish on his computer. “You meeting up with friends?”

Ryan doesn’t often talk about the friends he’s still in touch with from the days when he’d spent a lot of time at BDSM clubs and it’s probably for Scott’s benefit. Scott’s not ready to be open about being a sub with other people and he knows Ryan understands that. Ryan never pushes him about it, he just meets up with his friends a few times a month and that’s where things stay.

“Nope. Gotta buy something. I won’t be long.”

“You want dinner?”

“Yeah, please.”

“Okay.” Scott glances at him and sees Ryan fidgeting around. “You wanna give me the Swanson file? I’ll finish it.”

Looking relieved, Ryan shoots him a smile and tosses the file onto Scott’s desk. “Thanks. I’m a bit distracted.”

Scott chuckles. “Yeah, I can tell. Go on, get out of here. I’ll see you in a few hours.”

Ryan grabs his jacket, hat and gloves and practically sprints out of the station.

Taking his time, Scott finishes up his and Ryan’s reports and other odds and ends before heading home. He cooks dinner but when Ryan still isn’t home by the time it’s finished, Scott eats on his own and puts the rest into the fridge.

He’s lounging on the couch, texting Ryan’s mother and Tyrell while watching television when Ryan finally comes in.

“Hey. You find what you were looking for?” Scott asks, typing a sarcastic reply to Tyrell’s whining about the car trouble he’d had during the day.

“Oh, yeah,” Ryan says, sounding excited.

Scott glances up as Ryan walks past him, his gun belt slung over his shoulder. He grins at Scott as he disappears into the bedroom to put his gun away and get changed.

“What are you grinning about? What did you buy?”

“You’ll see,” Ryan calls out of the bedroom.

Scott snorts and smiles. “Fine, be mysterious.”

Ryan re-appears a few minutes later, wearing a loose shirt and sweatpants. He looks normal…except for the white bandage covering his right wrist.

Scott’s smile disappears. Scrambling off the couch, he hurries to Ryan and tries to grab his hand. “What the fuck did you do?!”

Chuckling, Ryan keeps his hand out of Scott’s reach and sticks his hand behind his back. “Nothing bad, I promise. But it’s still sensitive, so don’t grab it. I gotta keep the bandage on for about another hour and then you can see it.”

“How the fuck did you manage to hurt yourself going shopping?!”

“I didn’t,” Ryan says with a laugh. Pushing past Scott and keeping his right arm away from him, he heads into the kitchen to help himself to dinner.

Scott’s heart is still doing flip-flops in his chest at the thought of Ryan being hurt, but Ryan shots him a smile. “Relax, Jenkins. I promise, it’s nothing bad.”

Ryan does seem cheerful about it and Scott’s concern is slowly replaced with curiosity. “What did you do?” This time, his voice is curious instead of worried.

“You’ll see. Keep yourself busy for another hour and then I’ll show you.”

The hour goes by excruciatingly slowly. Scott tries to distract himself by talking to Ryan while he eats dinner, but he keeps staring at the bandage and Ryan’s smirks aren’t helping. Eventually, he throws himself on the couch and pulls his phone out. “I’m telling your mom that you’re being mysterious about a bandage on your wrist. I’m sure she’ll be thrilled.”

There’s a clatter as Ryan drops his fork. “Don’t tell my mom!”

Scott smiles. “Scared of getting in trouble, Harris? Should have thought of that before you did something stupid and refused to confess.”

“I—Scotty, it has to do with—it’s connected to the play room.”

Scott’s fingers freeze on his phone. Lowering it, he twists around to stare at Ryan with narrowed eyes. “It’s a sex thing.”

Ryan picks up his fork again and resumes eating. “Kinda. Not directly related to sex, but it definitely has to do with our BDSM relationship so unless you’re ready to have a really awkward conversation with my mom, don’t tell her.”

That makes Scott even more curious but he makes himself sit quietly until Ryan’s finished his dinner. Scott stares at the television while he listens to Ryan loading the dishwasher, then walking away.

Twisting around, Scott sees that Ryan’s gone into the play room and he re-appears a moment later, carrying Scott’s collar.

All thoughts of Ryan’s wrist take a backseat as Scott smiles and slides off the couch onto his knees, clasping his hands behind his back and bowing his head. He doesn’t care what else happens tonight, he’s just happy he gets to wear his collar.

Ryan sits on the couch. “You don’t have to put the collar on if you don’t want to, but the collar is part of my explanation.”

“I wanna wear it. Please.” His chin is lifted by Ryan’s fingers and Ryan bends down to kiss him. Scott keeps his hands behind his back and parts his lips, allowing Ryan’s tongue to slide into his mouth and rub against Scott’s, setting a slow pace. Their lips brush each other’s and Ryan lets out one of those quiet, shaky breaths he always makes when they’re kissing like this.

The kisses stay soft and warm but Ryan sadly pulls back with one final kiss to Scott’s spit-slicked lips and smiles at him.

“Let’s put this collar where it belongs.” Ryan twists the key in the padlock, popping it open and slings the metal chain around Scott’s neck. Scott closes his eyes and listens to the familiar sounds as Ryan slides the padlock bar through the end loops of the chain and closes it with that wonderful click.

There’s a scraping sound and when Scott opens his eyes and lifts his chin, Ryan is holding the small padlock key in front of his face.

The key is nothing special, it’s just a typical padlock key. Small with a rounded top and jagged teeth along the edge.

Scott smiles. “It’s weird, isn’t it? The key’s so tiny but it’s so powerful. Nobody can rip my collar off me, no matter how strong they are, but that little key can unlock it with just a little twist.”

To his surprise, Ryan’s staring at him but he’s not smiling. “Yeah. But me having this key isn’t enough.”

Frowning, Scott stares at him. “Enough for what?”

“Enough to silence the stupid voice in your head.”

Scott’s stomach clenches and he drops his eyes. If they’re going to talk about his anxiety again, the whole mood will be destroyed and Scott really doesn’t want to deal with his stupid head right now.

“Scotty, look at me.”

Despite not really wanting to, Scott still obeys his dom’s order and looks at him.

His dom is staring at him, not a trace of a smile on his face. “The collar and the key and everything else in the play room are things that are temporary. You’re always gonna fear that I’ll take them away and never give them back. The only way to conquer that fear is to give you something that’s permanent. Something I can’t take back.”

Frowning, Scott stares him, his mind running through the possibilities. But Ryan doesn’t let him get to the guessing stage. He puts the key on his knee and tears off the tape holding the bandage closed over his right wrist.

Scott holds his breath, preparing himself for whatever injury he’s about to see. He has no idea what this has to do with their conversation, but Ryan seems to have planned this whole thing out. What exactly the ‘thing’ is remains a mystery.

When the tape has been torn off, Ryan unwraps the bandage and gauze that’s covering his wrist and holds his wrist out towards Scott.

At first, Scott can’t see much because there’s something shiny on the inside of Ryan’s wrist, reflecting the light, but when he looks closer, he sees it’s not an injury.

It’s a tattoo.

“What the hell did you do?!” Scott grabs Ryan’s hand and yanks it closer to get a better look.

At first, none of the pieces seem to fit and he’s about to make fun of Ryan for being so dramatic over wanting to get a tattoo…until he actually looks at the tattoo and sees what it is.

It’s a key.

At first glance, Scott can tell it’s a house key, with a typical square top. It’s just a black outline with some lines on it to represent grooves. But there must be a reason Ryan had kept the padlock key on his knee. Staring back and forth between them, Scott realizes the edges of both keys are the same. “That’s—it looks like a house key, but it’s got the same grooves as the padlock key.”

“Yep. I wanted to get the circular top to make it completely match the padlock key, but that wouldn’t have fit the design I wanted inside it. That’s the most important part, so I settled for a square top and just kept the teeth the same. Technically, they’re the same key, just the top is a different shape.”

Speaking of the design, Scott stares at the top of the tattooed key. There’s the little hole that’s used to put keys on key chains, but below that is a familiar shape. In fact, it’s something Scott sees nearly every day at work.

It’s a fingerprint.

Frowning at the tattoo, Scott leans closer but he knows he’s right. Ryan got a tattoo of the collar key, complete with a fingerprint.

“So you got a tattoo of the padlock key and your fingerprint?” Scott asks, just to make sure.

“Not quite.”

Scott doesn’t know how he feels about this. On one hand, he’s a little happy that Ryan had spent time thinking about how to deal with his anxiety, but this…won’t help as much as Ryan probably believes it will. This tattoo belongs to Ryan. The collar and the key are Ryan’s and he proclaimed his ownership of them with his fingerprint on it.

Scott can see what Ryan was trying to achieve, but he already knows his anxiety won’t accept it as a good argument. Ryan can take the collar off him any time he wants and give it to another sub. The collar will still be Ryan’s and the tattoo will still symbolize Ryan’s connection with the collar. But the connection between Scott and the collar is still filled with uncertainty.

But Ryan—the damn moron—went and got this thing permanently etched into his skin and he’s probably hoping it’ll fix Scott’s anxiety, so what the fuck is Scott supposed to do now? Is he supposed to pretend the tattoo is helpful? How long could he keep up a charade like that? How is he—

“Scotty? Did you hear me? I said ‘not quite’. Keep guessing.”

Blinking, Scott tries to push back the conflicting emotions racing through him and stares at Ryan. “Huh?”

Ryan smiles. “Yes, it’s the key to the collar. But that’s not my fingerprint.”

So…that’s even dumber. “So you got a random fingerprint tattooed on yourself?” Scott really tries not to let his tone betray how stupid this whole thing is, but Ryan laughs and gently kicks him in the side.

“I’m thrilled you think I’m an idiot, Jenkins. You’re gonna feel really bad in about ten seconds and I’m never gonna let you live this down. Never.”

Scott clenches his jaw. “I…Ryan—”

Ryan grabs his face with both hands and his smile has disappeared again. “It’s _your_ fingerprint. That’s the point.”

Scott blinks and his breath catches. “Mine?”

“Yeah. Specifically, it’s your right thumb.” Ryan grabs the tip of Scott’s right thumb and wiggles it around. “I spent a while looking at all your fingerprints and I liked the look of your right thumb’s print the best. Feel free to disagree, but since the tattoo is gonna be on my wrist the rest of my life, I went with the print I liked best. Your left middle finger was a close second though. You’ve got very attractive fingerprints, Jenkins.”

Staring at him, Scott can barely breathe as a shiver runs through him and the enormity of the situation hits him. “You got a tattoo of my fingerprint?”

“Uh huh.” Ryan’s grinning.

“You got a _permanent_ tattoo etched into your skin…that’s gonna be there forever, with _my_ fingerprint on it?”

“Yup. Originally, I thought about doing your initials but I don’t want other people seeing it and giving their opinions about things. Plus, you’re not the only SAJ in the world. But nobody else has your fingerprint.”

Scott has completely lost his words as the meaning of the tattoo starts to sink in. The tattoo that’s going to live on Ryan’s wrist for the rest of his life.

Ryan’s still talking. “Most people will assume it’s my fingerprint so they won’t connect it to you and that’s good cause it’s none of their business.”

Tearing his gaze off Ryan, Scott stares down at the tattoo, glistening with whatever shiny, transparent cream the tattoo artist had smeared over it for protection. Ryan’s skin is red and swollen beneath the black lines of the tattoo and that makes it really sink in that this was painful and permanent and Ryan _chose_ to do this.

Ryan moves his hand and gently holds Scott’s face with both hands, lifting his head up and staring at him. “This key on my wrist is the key to our collar. Nobody else’s. I’m never gonna give that collar to anybody else. It belongs to you and me. Not only that, but I’m never gonna collar another sub. You being my sub is as permanent as this tattoo.”

Scott’s shaking and he swallows hard against the lump in his throat.

Ryan rubs his cheeks with his thumbs. “In general, am I an idiot?”

Blinking at the strange question, Scott shakes his head. No, Ryan’s not an idiot.

“No, I’m not. So I wouldn’t have put this tattoo on my body unless I was sure about it. I put your fingerprint and the key to our collar on my wrist because I know I wanna be with you for the rest of my life. I know you’re good enough for me and I know I’m good enough for you. If that stupid voice ever argues with you again, you just grab my hand and you show it my wrist. Because this tattoo’s permanent and any argument the stupid voice might have is irrelevant.”

Closing his eyes, Scott is close to tears. He opens his mouth to tell Ryan he can’t believe he’d done this for him. His heart is glowing and he knows this is the weapon he’d needed to fight his anxiety. Because Ryan’s right. Nobody can argue with a permanent tattoo that has Scott’s fingerprint on it. There’s no way to interpret it in different ways and it can’t just be peeled off at a moment’s notice. Ryan has chosen to put Scott’s fingerprint and the key to their collar on his skin, permanently marking himself as Scott’s dom and in turn, making an indisputable statement that Scott is his sub for life.

Unfortunately, Scott can’t get any of those words out right now.

“You like it?”

Nodding frantically, Scott opens his eyes enough to shuffle forward between Ryan’s knees. He presses his face against Ryan’s inner thigh, breathing in his familiar scent.

Ryan shifts and his hands slide off Scott’s face and around to the back of his neck, rubbing the metal links of the collar and tightly gripping the back of his neck.

Ryan kisses his temple and keeps his face pressed against his, breathing against his skin. “We’re as permanent as this tattoo on my wrist, Scotty,” Ryan whispers. “Whenever you have any doubts, you just remember that. I chose you for life and that’s what this tattoo represents. And I’m not changing my mind about any of this. Ever.”

* * *

Ryan’s tattoo is fantastic. The only downside is that Scott can’t touch the tattoo for a few weeks. As the tattoo heals, the swelling gets worse and the outer layer of skin starts to peel and the itchiness drives Ryan crazy, so they’re both anxiously waiting for it to heal.

But even if he can’t touch the tattoo while it’s healing, Scott’s content just sitting next to Ryan on the couch and staring at it while he holds Ryan’s hand and leans against Ryan.

For the first few days, he always forgets about the tattoo until he sees it in the morning, while Ryan’s stretching in bed or brushing his teeth or doing a million other ordinary things while his wrist has their key and Scott’s fingerprint on it. It always takes Scott’s breath away and he usually loses his words for a little while as he clings to Ryan and stares at the tattoo, marvelling over what his dom has done for him.

Their co-workers notice the tattoo right way. Ryan has to keep his sleeve rolled up to let the tattoo heal properly and the problem with being surrounded by detectives is that they’re paid to notice small details like that. Some people don’t care, others just say things like ‘Nice ink, Harris!’ but a few insist on coming close and staring at it. Their reaction to it and Ryan’s response to their reaction never fails to make Scott smile.

They’ll always start by pointing out the obvious. “It’s…a key.”

“Yup.”

“And there’s…a fingerprint on it.”

“Yup. You should tell Cap you deserve a raise, buddy.”

“So…why the key? And whose fingerprint is it? Yours? Or is it a random one?”

Ryan’s answer is always the same. “It’s personal,” he’ll say it with a polite smile, but he won’t ever add more details.

If the person keeps pushing, Ryan will change his story and say something ridiculous like ‘I’m always forgetting my keys and I’m hoping this is the cure’ or ‘I decided to have my mid-life crisis a bit early and I just wandered into the shop, saw this design on the wall and thought: Yup, that’s the one’.

Scott’s always left trying to hide his laughter as he tries to stay out of the conversation.

At first, Scott had been worried that Ryan would want to tell people the truth, or at least tell them part of the truth and Scott wouldn’t be comfortable with that. Their co-workers aren’t dummies and if they knew the fingerprint was Scott’s, it would only be a matter of time before they started making guesses that were close to the truth and Scott doesn’t want to deal with that. Maybe he’ll be ready one day, but definitely not anytime soon.

He’s so grateful that Ryan understands that despite Scott never having talked to him about it. No matter who’s asking Ryan about the tattoo—even when it’s Ryan’s mom—he never wavers from his responses and never gives away more information, while still staying polite about it.

* * *

The tattoo is healed shortly before Christmas. Ryan is thrilled when the itchiness stops and the ink has settled into his skin and it looks fantastic. The more time he spends looking at it, the happier he is with his decision. He really loves the tattoo, he loves what it represents and he especially loves the soft look of awe on Scott’s face every morning when he sees it for the first time.

When Ryan finally decides the tattoo has healed enough to allow for touching, he keeps the news to himself until they’re getting into bed that night.

Scott makes himself comfortable on his side of the bed and Ryan lies down on his own pillow, watching him. “Hey, Scotty?”

“Hmm?” Scott’s already closed his eyes, ready for sleep.

“You wanna say goodnight to the tattoo before you go to sleep?”

Scott’s eyes open a sliver. “You’d think you were getting sick of me holding your hand and staring at it when we’re sitting on the couch almost every night,” he mumbles into his pillow, but he’s smiling.

Ryan grins. “I think the tattoo’s ready for actual touching.”

Scott’s eyes fly wide open and he sits up, hands already reaching for Ryan’s arm as the blankets slide off him.

Laughing softly, Ryan gives him his right arm as he sits up and puts up the pillows behind his back.

Scott’s holding Ryan’s wrist so gently, as if he’s afraid it’ll break and his eyes are glued to the tattoo, that look of awe on his face.

Hearing Scott breathing hard, Ryan waits, knowing this is a big moment for Scott.

Scott blinks rapidly and slowly bends down, lightly pressing his lips to the tattoo. It tickles and the skin is still sensitive but it feels nice. Nuzzling the tattoo, Scott moans softly, kissing the dark lines of the key and his own fingerprint, which will forever be part of Ryan’s arm.

“I still can’t believe you did this for me,” Scott whispers against his skin.

“Of course I did. I’m never gonna stop fighting for us and I’ll do whatever it takes. If making you part of my skin permanently helps prove that you’re also part of my life permanently, that’s what I’ll do.”

Scott’s staring down at the tattoo, his eyes bright. “You really don’t regret it?”

The suggestion is ridiculous and Ryan doesn’t even have to think about his response. “No. And I never will.”

Closing his eyes, Scott presses his lips to the tattoo and just stays there, trembling with his head bowed.

Unexpectedly, a surge of adrenaline rushes through Ryan. This is his sub, overcome with emotion at what Ryan has done for him and knowing he’s making his sub feel like this is quickly pushing him into domspace. He needs to touch his sub. He needs to wrap himself around his sub and he needs to be his sub’s entire world. That adrenaline fuels the desperate need that’s making his heart race and he’s having trouble breathing. “Scotty?” His voice is already shaking.

Scott doesn’t look up from the tattoo. “Hmm?”

“I really wanna touch you. I don’t just wanna, but I need to. Right now. And I need to fuck you. And hold you. And a million other things. If you don’t want that, then I gotta take myself and the tattoo into the play room so I can calm down.”

Immediately, Scott’s head jerks up from nuzzling his tattoo and he grins, his eyes shining. “Don’t you dare walk away from me when you say something like that. That would be cruel and my dom’s never cruel.” His voice is shaking a bit too.

Normally, Ryan would laugh at that, but his heart’s pounding too hard and he feels like he’s going to vibrate right out of his skin. “Go get your collar.”

He releases his grip on Scott and watches Scott scamper off the bed and run to the play room, not bothering to turn on any lights as he goes. He’s back seconds later, the chain dangling from his hand.

Ryan’s shaking with the intense need to grab Scott and remind both of them that Scott belongs to him as permanently as the tattoo belongs on his wrist. “Clothes off.”

He flings the covers off himself and slides to the edge of the bed as Scott takes off his pajamas and kneels next to the bed in his usual position.

Stilling his shaking hands, Ryan clenches his jaw and puts on Scott’s collar properly. He wants to grab Scott and hold him so tight that they’ll become one person. His thoughts are racing as adrenaline surges through him. This is the most intense domspace he’s ever felt in his entire life.

Once he’s snapped the thick padlock shut, he pulls it around to rest on Scott’s chest and his eyes catch on the black tattoo on his wrist while he does it. The combination of putting his collar on his kneeling sub and wearing the tattoo that contains his sub’s fingerprint is making Ryan’s head spin. Scott belongs to him. Scott was always meant to belong to him. How can Scott doubt that? Being Ryan’s sub is Scott’s purpose in life, his destiny, his only reason for existing.

Shaking, Ryan slides back on the bed and lies against the pillows. “Get up here.”

Without any hesitation, Scott climbs on the bed and crawls towards Ryan.

“Lie on me, back to my front. Spread your legs. I wanna hold my sub’s cock and his throat.”

There’s a bright smile on Scott’s face and he lets out a soft whine as his blinking slows, already having fallen into subspace a little. He crawls onto Ryan’s lap and lies down, resting against the soft shirt covering Ryan’s chest. Scott spreads his legs, planting his feet on the bed and his ass resting against Ryan’s cock.

Whining with desperation, Scott rests his head on Ryan’s shoulder, baring his throat and closing his eyes. Ryan pulls his own legs up between Scott’s, which makes Scott’s legs spread wider and settles his body more firmly against Ryan.

Ryan’s breathing hard and his cock is a little stiff where it’s pressed against his sub’s ass with just the thin layer of Ryan’s sleeping pants separating them, but he ignores it for now. Growling, he noses the hair around Scott’s ear and wraps one hand around Scott’s throat, feeling him swallow. The cool metal of the collar rests beneath Ryan’s hand, locked around Scott’s throat. He slides his other hand down Scott’s stomach and cups his soft cock.

Scott’s breathing as hard as him and he goes limp against Ryan, making soft noises in his throat.

There’s something so primal, so powerful about holding Scott like this. For some reason, this feels more intimate than anything they do while having sex.

Scott’s a little hard and Ryan’s own cock is aching where it’s pressed against the crack of Scott’s ass, but it’s not the promise of sex that makes this intimate. Adrenaline surges through him and Ryan’s heart races in his chest as he tightens his grip on his sub, pressing his tattoo against the top of Scott’s cock. Scott’s completely relaxed, his hands sprawled out on the bed and his legs spread open. Ryan puts Scott into many submissive positions, but this feels always feels more intense than the other situations.

Maybe it’s the lack of the chains? Even though Ryan would take off the chains in a heartbeat if Scott ever wanted them off, the presence of the chains does take some choice away from Scott. But this position is all about Scott’s choice. He could easily close his legs and push away from Ryan. For safety, Ryan’s carefully monitoring the strength of his grip and it would be ridiculously easy for Scott to break his hold and get away from him.

But he doesn’t. He’s happy and comfortable and he has that half-drunk, joyful smile on his face. Seeing Scott like this always makes Ryan’s head spin at how lucky he is, which is making his adrenaline surge even more.

Ryan stares down at his sub and presses his tattoo more firmly against Scott’s skin, as if he needs to make the tattoo—and the promise embedded in it—part of Scott too. Turning his head to put his lips right by Scott’s ear, he closes his teeth on his ear lobe and tugs gently. “Look at my hand on your cock. Look.” His voice is shaking and sounds rough. Oh, he’s definitely in domspace.

Scott blinks his eyes open and tilts his head down as much as Ryan’s hand on his throat allows and he whines softly—the sound vibrating through Ryan’s hand—as he stares down at Ryan’s hand cupping his cock, pressing the tattoo to his skin.

“You’re mine for life, Scotty. You make me whole just like I make you whole. I don’t just love you, it’s more than that. You’re part of my soul, just like I made you part of my skin,” he whispers roughly into Scott’s ear. “Anytime you doubt that, you remember this. You remember what’s on my wrist, you remember what the collar around your neck represents and you remember how you feel right now, right this second. I’m making you feel like this because I want to. Because you’re mine for life and I’m yours.”

Scott lets out a soft, happy sound and he’s shaking a bit.

“Nobody else could ever take your place. You hear me? Nobody. No other sub could make me feel the way you do. I don’t want any other sub and I never will. Anytime you doubt it, you remember this—” He lifts his hand off Scott’s cock and brings the tattoo to Scott’s face, letting him stare at the black key and Scott’s fingerprint on it. “—and you remember why it’s there and that it was my choice to put it there.”

Scott keeps shifting around in his lap and Ryan’s cock is aching where it’s pressed against his ass. It’s definitely time to make his sub feel good and make him forget about everything else in the world except for his dom. Either that, or Ryan’s gonna come in his pants and that would make both of them sad.

Kissing Scott’s temple, Ryan wraps one arm around his chest while he scoots them sideways far enough that he can reach the lube and the plug in the bedside table drawer. It’s a struggle, but the alternative is letting go of Scott and that’s not an option.

When Ryan’s settled again, he nuzzles Scott’s neck and uses his teeth to tug on his ear lobe, harder than before. Reaching up, he tangles his hand in Scott’s hair and pulls back, hard. “I’m gonna make you feel good, Scotty. You want me to make your slutty hole feel good?”

Groaning, Scott nods as much as he’s able to and spreads his legs farther apart, raising his feet into the air.

Smiling, Ryan keeps a tight grip on Scott’s hair and covers his fingers in lube. He gets lube all over the sheets, but that’s a problem for tomorrow. Tonight, the only thing he cares about is making his sub feel good.

“You’re my beautiful sub, aren’t you?” He murmurs into Scott’s ear, his voice shaking and rough as his heart pounds. “You’re all mine, just waiting for me to play with your slutty hole, huh?”

Bringing his right hand to Scott’s face, Ryan uses his grip in Scott’s hair to tilt his face so he can see it.

“You see my tattoo? You see your fingerprint on it? That’s for you, isn’t it? It means you’re mine and I’m never letting you go.”

As he’d predicted, Scott whines happily and when Ryan presses his wrist to Scott’s lips, Scott’s nuzzling, kissing and licking the tattoo, his body shaking as he smiles.

The tattooed skin is as sensitive as his cock and Ryan moans as Scott’s wet tongue and lips slide over it.

“Mmm, fuck, that feels good. You love the tattoo, don’t you? You love that your dom got this tattoo so you’ll always know you belong to him, don’t you?”

It occurs to him that he’s never used possessive language like this with Scott before, but Scott seems to be enjoying it and Ryan really can’t help himself. Having his collared sub in his lap like this and wearing a tattoo that binds his sub to him for life is keeping his adrenaline surging. He’s filled with such a need to hold and touch and fuck Scott that he can’t stop shaking. He can’t remember ever having fallen into domspace this hard before in his entire life and Ryan’s loving it.

Having Scott licking the sensitive skin of his tattoo is making his cock throb and Ryan has to pull his wrist away from Scott’s mouth so he can do what he actually wants to do.

Tightening his grip in Scott’s hair, he slides his lubed fingers down Scott’s chest and stomach and grabs Scott’s half-hard cock. Squeezing it, he fists it with a firm grip that makes Scott groan and reach full hardness in a few pulls.

“Good boy. That’s my good, slutty boy. Got all hard for me, huh? Time to play with your greedy hole. I’m gonna get my fingers in there and I’m gonna make you come. Then I’m gonna stuff that slutty hole with my cock and fuck you until you’re coming again and then I’m gonna fill you up with my cum.”

Scott lets out a whine, his eyes having dropped shut and a bright smile on his face.

Sliding his fingers beneath Scott’s balls—which have nicely tightened up—Ryan rubs his fingers over Scott’s puckered hole and slides two fingers into him, making Scott let out a long groan. As his fingers slide into the tight heat of Scott’s body, Ryan presses his wrist against Scott’s balls, his skin still cool and moist from Scott’s licking.

Scott’s breath hitches and Ryan smiles, knowing Scott knows exactly what’s pressed against him.

“You feel my tattoo pressed against your balls, hmm? You like your dom’s tattoo on your skin, don’t you?”

Scott moans softly and Ryan thrusts his fingers in and out of his hole, setting a fast pace and making sure Scott can feel it. Scott’s trembling and his eyes have dropped shut as he lets out those quiet, delicious sounds Ryan loves. Looking down at Scott’s body, Ryan stares at his wrist pressed against Scott’s balls, Scott’s hard, leaking cock and the way he’s splayed out, having put his body fully into Ryan’s care, trusting him to take care of him as Ryan fucks him.

Feeling Scott’s hole twitch around his fingers, Ryan slides in a third finger and fucks him harder, adrenaline making his heart race as he takes care of his sub. Nobody will ever take Scott away from him. Scott belongs to him, body, mind and soul and anybody who tries to come between them will live to regret it.

Scott’s shaking intensifies and Ryan smiles as he releases Scott’s hair and roughly grabs one of his nipples, twisting and tugging it into a stiff peak.

Crying out, Scott arches against his hands, his own hand still lying limp on the mattress, making no attempt to change what’s happening.

Growling, Ryan nuzzles Scott’s neck, brushing the cold metal of the collar with his nose. “You like that, huh? You like it when my fingers play with you, don’t you? Your dom’s fingers fucking your hole and tugging on your nipples, making you feel good.”

Ryan switches to the other nipple, roughly rubbing it with his thumb and rhythmically pressing and releasing the bud between two fingers until it stiffens too. He moves back and forth between the sensitive buds, twisting and pinching them as Scott shivers and moans in his grip.

His cock is aching where it’s pressed up against Scott’s ass and Scott’s constantly shifting around isn’t helping, but Ryan has a plan and he’s going to stick to it. Pressing his thumb against the sensitive space between Scott’s balls and his hole, Ryan fucks him harder and pinches one of his nipples between his thumb and the side of his index finger and tugs on it in a hard rhythm that matches his fingers fucking Scott’s hole.

Scott’s whining as his shaking intensifies and Ryan has to tighten his arms around him to keep him in place as he keeps fucking him and roughly tugging on his nipple.

“I want you to come for me,” he whispers into Scott’s ear. “Be my good boy and come for me. I wanna see you cover yourself in cum.”

It only takes a few more thrusts and tugs until Scott’s tensing in his arms and his cock spurts cum all over his stomach as his hole clenches around Ryan’s thrusting fingers.

“Good boy. My precious, amazing, wonderful boy,” Ryan breathes out, kissing his cheek.

He keeps tugging on Scott’s nipple and fucking his twitching hole hard until Scott’s cock has finished squirting cum, the last few drops oozing out as Scott moans softly, trembling head to toe.

Releasing Scott’s nipple and pulling his fingers out of his hole, Ryan rubs his clean fingers through the cum on Scott’s stomach and brings it to his mouth.

“Here, Scotty. Let’s get you cleaned up before I fuck you, hmm?”

Scott lets out a soft sound and doesn’t even open his eyes as Ryan nudges his fingers against his lips. He opens his lips and his tongue darts out before he’s sucking Ryan’s fingers into his mouth, groaning but still not bothering to open his eyes.

Ryan’s heart squeezes at this blatant display of trust. Ever since their botched attempt at using a blindfold, Ryan has always worked hard to stay in Scott’s line of sight or at least let him feel where he is. But to his joy, he’d noticed that Scott spends more and more time with his eyes closed during scenes, even if Ryan steps away for a few seconds to re-fill the squirting dildos, grab the blanket or whatever else needs to be done.

Maybe Scott’s not even aware he’s doing it, but it’s not something Scott had done during their earlier scenes. Scott’s eyes used to track him whenever he went and his body would tense whenever Ryan wasn’t touching him directly. Maybe Scott hadn’t even been aware of it. Scott definitely wouldn’t have closed his eyes when having sex with any of those other assholes. And now Scott’s splayed out, completely relaxed with his eyes closed and sucking on Ryan’s fingers without even knowing what Ryan’s giving him.

It’s another sign of how much Scott’s body has grown to trust Ryan. And hopefully with the tattoo, Scott’s mind will trust Ryan too.

Once Ryan’s cleaned up most of the cum on Scott’s chest, he decides to finally give his aching cock what it’s been wanting: to fuck his sub and cover every part of Scott with his own body.

Kissing Scott’s neck, Ryan wraps his arms around him. “Jesus, I wanna fuck you so bad. I need to get my cock into my sub.”

Scott whines happily and he’s smiling, still slumped against Ryan with his eyes closed.

Moving slowly, Ryan tightens his grip around Scott and tilts them sideways, bringing Scott down to the mattress on his stomach. Shoving the pillows out of the way, Ryan releases Scott, who happily nuzzles the sheets on the mattress and pulls one of his knees up, opening himself up.

Ryan practically tears his clothes off and fumbles for the lube to cover his aching cock with shaking hands. Scott’s eyes have opened a bit and he’s lying there, relaxed and waiting for his dom’s cock,

The moment his cock is lubed up enough, Ryan presses his body against Scott and nudges the head of his cock against Scott’s slick rim. Pressing his lips to the back of Scott’s neck and nuzzling the cool metal links of the collar, Ryan slides in, the moist heat of his sub’s body clinging to his cock.

Groaning, he flattens himself against Scott’s back, propping himself up on his elbows planted on either side of Scott’s head so Scott’s not bearing his entire weight but Scott can still feel him plastered against him.

Scott whines, a smile on his lips.

Nuzzling his neck, Ryan kisses his neck and cheek. “You like feeling me all over you, don’t you? Having your dom’s cock inside you, having my body covering you, hmm?” He murmurs into Scott’s ear.

Scott nods, blinking slowly, his hands lying sprawled out on either side of him.

Adrenaline’s still racing through him and Ryan’s head is swirling with desperate thoughts, his body shaking with the need to protect his sub. “You’re mine, Scotty. Nobody else’s,” he growls into Scott’s ear, shifting his hips to thrust his cock deep inside Scott.

Scott moans, either at the words or Ryan’s cock fucking him, or both.

Nuzzling the metal of Scott’s collar, Ryan presses hard kisses against Scott’s upper back, his neck, his face as his adrenaline continues to rise, filling him with a desperate need to keep Scott safe and let the world know he’s Ryan’s to protect. “You’re mine for life. I’m gonna protect you and take care of you for the rest of our lives. Nobody else is allowed to touch you,” he growls. He means every word. Just the thought of somebody else coming in here and wanting to touch Scott, wanting to hurt him or take him away makes Ryan shake with rage. “You’re mine and anybody who tries to touch you will regret it, I promise.”

Scott lets out a happy whine and his hole twitches around Ryan’s slowly thrusting cock. One of Scott’s hands moves and he tries grabbing Ryan’s left hand.

Ryan watches Scott, thrusting his cock into him and wondering what Scott’s doing. Letting Scott take his hand, he stays quiet as Scott turns Ryan’s wrist over. Unfortunately, it’s his left hand and his wrist is bare.

Scott tenses up and lets out a choked cry, sounding devastated.

“Oh, Jesus! Hush, you’re looking at the wrong hand,” Ryan tells him, a little amused but his heart clenches at Scott’s sadness.

Shifting onto his knees but keeping his cock buried in Scott, Ryan grabs Scott’s head and turns it the other way. Lying down on him again, Ryan puts his right arm down so his right wrist is in line with Scott’s eyes.

Tangling his left hand in Scott’s hair, Ryan nuzzles the side of Scott’s face and nips his earlobe. “You see? It’s right here. It’s not going away. That tattoo’s a part of me, just like you’re a part of me. You’re mine for life, Scotty. Life,” he whispers into Scotty’s ear, his voice shaking and sounding wrecked.

Scott’s frown quickly fades and he’s smiling. He stretches out his chin, as if he’s wanting to get closer to the tattoo.

Ryan shifts his hand closer and groans as Scott kisses and licks the sensitive tattoo, smiling happily.

Putting some more weight on Scott, Ryan presses his face to Scott’s and smiles. “You’re my happy boy, aren’t you? You love your dom’s tattoo, don’t you? Such a happy boy. Your dom’s cock is fucking you and your dom’s covering you up, protecting you.”

Scott lets out a happy whine and Ryan’s heart soars. He can’t believe he gets to have this for the rest of this life. How did he get so lucky? “I love you so much,” he whispers.

Scott’s still nuzzling his tattoo, his hole is twitching around Ryan’s cock and Ryan’s arousal is distracting him.

Reaching down, Ryan rearranges Scott’s legs so his left knee is down and his right knee is pulled up and they’re both comfortable.

Groaning, Ryan puts more weight on his elbows and fucks Scott hard, watching Scott smile happily. “You want your dom filling you up with cum, don’t you? You’re mine, Scotty, mine to hold and protect and fill up with cum and love and anything else you need.”

Reaching down, Ryan feels for Scott’s cock, which is hard again.

“You ready to come again? I wanna feel you come on my cock.”

He twists his hand so two of his fingers are folded over the wet head of Scott’s cock and keeps a tight grip on his cock but doesn’t tug on it, snapping his hips in a hard rhythm as he fucks Scott hard.

Scott’s eyes drop shut and he’s letting out those little sounds that Ryan loves and within a few more thrusts, his hole clenched around Ryan’s cock and warm cum spurts from his cock, covering Ryan’s hand.

Smiling, Ryan fucks him through it and releases his cock, kissing his cheek and temple. “Good boy. You’re my good boy. I’m proud of you.”

Then he has to stop talking because his orgasm slams through him and he pumps his cum deep into Scott’s body, filling him up with long groans. Scott’s whining softly, his eyes closed and his hole twitching around Ryan’s spent cock.

Breathing hard, Ryan kisses Scott’s back and releases his grip in Scott’s hair. “You’re happy now, huh? Got filled up with your dom’s cum.”

Pulling out, Ryan sits back on his heels and grabs the nearby plug. Putting a bit of lube on it, he slides it into Scott’s twitching hole, hearing him sigh when the plug settles inside of him.

Lying down, Ryan pulls Scott into his arms, reaching down to wipe Scott’s cum off his stomach and wiping his hand on the sheets. “Come here, Scotty.”

Scott lets himself be pulled on top of Ryan, burying his face into Ryan’s neck and spreading his legs around Ryan.

Reaching down, Ryan presses on the base of the plug to make sure it’s secure and yanks the blanket over them. Sliding his hands underneath the blanket, he wraps his arms tightly around Scott. “I love you,” Ryan whispers into Scott’s hair.

Scott shifts around a bit and Ryan doesn’t know what he’s doing until Scott’s managed to lift one of his hands and he’s holding up his thumb, index and pinky finger, returning Ryan’s words non-verbally.

Smiling and his heart glowing, Ryan grabs Scott’s hand and kisses each of the extended fingers before tucking Scott’s hand back beneath the blanket. Wrapping his arms around Scott again, Ryan relaxes, staring up at the ceiling as Scott falls asleep, the heavy padlock of the collar pressed between them and Ryan’s tattoo pressed to Scott’s back.


	32. Chapter 32

Ryan’s angry. He’s shaking with rage and glaring down at Scott, who’s kneeling on the living room floor, his head bowed and crying.

Good, let the stupid slut cry.

“You know the rules,” he hisses down at Scott.

Scott frantically nods his head, shaking and snivelling.

“Did I give you permission to leave the apartment?” Ryan demands.

Scott shakes his head. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he chokes out.

The words do nothing to quell the rage in Ryan’s chest. Grabbing Scott’s hair, he yanks his head up, staring down at Scott’s tear streaked face. “Are you _ever_ allowed to speak to other men?”

“No,” Scott whispers. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.”

He didn’t _mean_ to. As if that makes it alright that he’s betraying Ryan and prancing around, being a whore when he belongs to Ryan. Towering over Scott, Ryan slaps him hard across the face, sending Scott sprawling.

“You know the rules! After everything I do for you, you can’t follow simple rules!” Reaching down, he grabs Scott by the hair and hauls him up, Scott crying out from the pain.

“I take care of you every single day, I work my ass off to give you this nice apartment and put food on the table and you reward me by going around, being a whore?!”

“I’m sorr—”

A voice from far away suddenly calls his name, but Ryan ignores it, still seething with rage.

“How can you betray me like this?!”

Scott keeps mumbling apologies, crying and shaking. Ryan balls up his fist to beat some sense into the stupid, ungrateful whore…

…when the world around him lurches and he opens his eyes, staring up at the Scott.

Ryan’s shaking. He’s lying in bed and Scott’s looking down at him, his eyes wide with worry.

“Ryan? You okay?”

Struggling to breathe through his tight throat, Ryan stares around the dim bedroom, taking everything in.

It was just a nightmare. He hadn’t hit Scott, he hadn’t said horrible things to him, he’s not his father…

…except with a sickening lurch, Ryan realizes that he _is_. His own words from a few hours ago come back to him, replaying in his head.

_“You see my tattoo, Scotty? You see your fingerprint on it? That’s for you, isn’t it? It means you’re mine and I’m never letting you go.”_

_“You’re mine, Scotty. Nobody else’s.”_

_“You’re mine and anybody who tries to touch you will regret it.”_

It’s not just his own words that haunt him, but his own thoughts. He remembers how possessive he’d felt when he’d seen Scott wearing the collar for the first time, and what his thoughts had been tonight when he’d been holding Scott.

_Scott belongs to him. Scott was always meant to belong to him. Being Ryan’s sub is Scott’s purpose in life, his destiny, his only reason for existing._

Ryan’s shaking and he feels sick.

The worst part is that Scott’s still looking down at him, wearing the collar that brands him as Ryan’s possession and _he_ looks worried about _Ryan_. Ryan’s a monster who’s abusing Scott and Scott’s the one who’s worried about Ryan. Jesus, Ryan has to get away from here. At the very least, he has to get away from seeing Scott wearing the collar and looking so content at what Ryan’s done to him.

“Ryan, what happened? It was just a dream. Everything—”

Letting out a choked sound, Ryan scrambles to get out of bed and stumbles out into the living room, sinking onto the couch and shaking.

To make matters even worse, Scott appears in front of him, kneeling before him and the only thing he’s wearing is the collar that Ryan’s _locked_ around his neck because that’s what a disgusting monster he is.

“Talk to me. What do you need me to do?”

“I—I need—I need you to get away from me as fast as you can,” Ryan chokes out.

Scott frowns and blinks at him. “What?”

No matter how horrible of a human being he truly is, Ryan does love Scott and that’s why he wants to get Scott to safety before he hurts him more than he already has. “Y—you’re not safe around me. I’m hor—horrible and disgusting and…and you need to get away from me before I hurt you even more than I already have,” he whispers, staring at Scott and willing him to understand the gravity of the situation.

But Scott—the damn idiot—isn’t taking this seriously because he just sits down on the carpet at Ryan’s feet. “You need to breathe. Just stop thinking about everything and breathe. You gotta calm down. You had a bad nightmare and I think you’re still stuck there and it’s making your head spin.”

Ryan frantically shakes his head. “No. No, you need to go. You need to get away from me. I’m not safe. I—” That’s as far as he gets before his throat gets too tight to keep talking.

Scott stares at him for another moment before slowly getting to his feet.

Ryan’s heart breaks but he keeps his mouth shut. He has no right to beg Scott to stay. Scott has to leave for his own good. He _has_ to. Ryan listens for the sound of the door opening…but he doesn’t hear it. Instead, the light in the kitchen is turned on, bathing the living room in dim light and water starts running as Scott does something in the kitchen.

A few minutes later, Scott re-appears and kneels on the carpet at Ryan’s feet, still wearing his collar but he’s also holding a glass of water and a wet cloth. “Drink this. Small sips.”

“Scotty, you don’t understand. You have to leave. You can’t wait for things to get worse. _Please._ I know how these things go—I’ve lived through them. Things will get worse and worse and you’ll get stuck and it’ll get harder for you to leave.”

Scott’s looking at him. “I’m not going anywhere. You need to calm down and then you need to tell me what’s going on in your head.”

Ryan shakes his head. “I—”

Holding up his finger, Scott quirks an eyebrow. “Whenever my anxiety says stupid things to me, do you accept what it’s saying?”

Frowning, Ryan stares at him, not understanding what this has to do with anything. “No, of course not. It’s just saying stupid things that aren’t true.”

“Exactly. Whatever your nightmare was about, it’s twisted things around in your head and you’re not thinking clearly. Nobody’s gonna do anything based on what those thoughts are saying. You need to calm down and then we’re gonna talk about this. I don’t care if it takes all night. I don’t care if we sit here for a week. That’s the plan and there’s no negotiating.”

Ryan stares at him. Could Scott be right? Could Ryan be wrong about this whole thing?

But the evidence is right there! He might not have hit Scott like he did in the dream, but he’d said similar things to him as in the dream. It’s not that crazy that he’ll make the leap from being verbally controlling to being physically abusive. He’d seen how his father had followed that same pattern as he—

“Ryan, stop. Stop thinking. You’re making yourself upset and there’s no point because you’re not thinking clearly. You’re just wasting energy. Drink the water and wipe your face.”

Blinking, Ryan forces himself to do as Scott says. As he turns his brain off and sips the water, he goes numb. It’s kind of nice. He drinks the water, he wipes his face and gradually, he stops shaking and his heart calms.

Scott stays where he is, calmly passing Ryan the glass or the cloth whenever he switches between them, but he’s made no move to touch him or talk about what had happened.

Once Ryan’s done the water, Scott takes the glass from him. “Okay. Tell me what the dream was about.”

Ryan takes a shaky breath. “It—it was awful. I got mad at you for leaving the apartment and for talking to other guys. I was so angry. I…slapped you across the face.” Just saying the words out loud makes his throat tighten again and he feels nauseous. He keeps his eyes on his own knees, not allowing himself to look at Scott. He doesn’t deserve to look at Scott after what he’s done to him.

“Ryan, look at me.”

“I can’t,” he chokes out.

“None of that happened. You know that. You’ve never stopped me from leaving our apartment, you’re happy when I talk to other people and spend time with my friends, and you’ve never hit me.”

Ryan shakes his head. “That’s not the point. The dream was showing me the road I’m heading down. I’m already—we’re already going down that road and you need to get away from me before we get there.”

His gaze has dropped to his knees again and Scott’s hand gently lifts his chin. “Why do you think we’re heading down that road?”

Ryan chokes out an ugly laugh and gestures at Scott, the collar around his neck glinting in the dim light and reminding Ryan what a monster he is. “Look what I already did to you. I locked a fucking metal chain around your neck.”

Scott frowns and reaches up to touch the collar around his neck. Standing up, he holds out his hand as if he’s telling Ryan to stay. “Stay there. I’ll be right back.”

He disappears and he’s back a few moments later. Scott’s wearing his sleeping clothes, he’s taken his collar off and he’s carrying the blanket from the bed.

Not seeing the collar around Scott’s neck is a relief, as is seeing him wearing clothes. Scott drapes the blanket over Ryan and tucks it around him. Thankfully, he doesn’t kneel at Ryan’s feet again but he goes to sit on the recliner. “Tell me more about what’s scaring you,” he says.

He sounds so calm despite the gravity of the situation, but Ryan feels a little better now that they’re both covered up and Scott’s not kneeling down and he’s not wearing his collar.

Ryan takes a shaky breath. “I know the dream wasn’t reality, but it’s so damn close. I have these…really bad possessive thoughts about you all the time and I said so many things tonight that aren’t okay.”

“Like what? Gimme an example.”

Ryan squeezes his eyes shut and feels sick as his own words echo in his head. “I told you that you’re mine and nobody’s allowed to touch you. I told you my tattoo is a reminder that you belong to me. That’s—that’s not okay. I know what that leads to.”

He feels sick and he’s so angry at himself for having run down the same path he’d always sworn he wouldn’t go down. “I should have seen this coming. How many times have we seen people who were abused as children turn into the same monsters they grew up with? And I’m not even trying to stop myself from becoming a monster! I’m forcing you to be in an abusive relationship. I might not be physically abusing you now, but it’s not a stretch that it’ll happen. I can feel that rage in my gut when I think about other people touching you and it’s only a matter of time before I take that rage out on you.”

“When do you feel that rage?”

Scott sounds so damn calm while Ryan’s shaking. It makes sense. Scott has no experience with these situations and he doesn’t know he’s living with a time bomb.

“Ryan? When do you feel that rage? When do you feel extremely possessive over me?”

Taking a breath, Ryan tries to slow his racing thoughts so he can answer Scott’s question. “I feel it a little whenever you wear the collar. But it gets really bad when I’m in domspace.”

“That makes sense and that’s fine.”

Ryan scoffs. “It’s not—that’s not fine! It’s never fine! I have no right to be possessive over you! I can’t say things like ‘you belong to me’ and it’s not fine that I’d happily kill whoever comes into this apartment when I’m in domspace. That’s—that’s not _fine._ ”

There a squeaking sound and Ryan glances over to see Scott’s turned the recliner and he’s resting his elbows on his knees, staring at Ryan. “Sure, it is.”

“No, it’s not! It’s never fucking—”

“Yes. It is. I told you before that context matters. You’re forgetting about context and that’s what’s making your head spin.”

“I—”

“No, hush. Please. You talked and I think I understand the situation, so now you’re gonna stay quiet unless I ask you a question, okay? Please.”

Ryan chews on his lip and stares at Scott. Could Scott really find a way to make this okay? That wouldn’t be right, but he’s a selfish, horrible monster and he wants to salvage what he has with Scott. “Okay.”

Scott’s quiet for a moment, staring at the dark television. Finally, he turns back to Ryan. “You’re scared that you’re turning into your dad, right? That you’re heading down the same path he took.”

Squeezing his eyes shut, Ryan nods.

“Well, you’re wrong.”

Ryan opens his mouth to remind him that Scott’s obviously been brainwashed and victims of abuse often can’t judge their situations properly—

—but Scott beats him to it. “And before you spout some bullshit about how I’m already brainwashed and I’m not thinking clearly, I’m gonna prove to you that I’m thinking clearly and you’re not. Ready?”

Feeling numb, Ryan nods his head, staring at the dark television. He can’t face Scott, no matter what he’s about to say.

“Context matters. That’s what you’re forgetting in this whole thing. I’m _not_ a victim.”

Ryan snorts, but keeps his mouth shut, obeying Scott’s order to stay quiet.

“You can snort all you want, but I’m gonna prove it to you. You remember Jennifer Westen? From two years ago?”

A shudder runs down Ryan’s back at the mention of that name. It doesn’t seem possible, but he’s even closer to throwing up than before. He remembers having struggled with these same thoughts while they’d been working the case, but he hadn’t been anybody’s regular dom at the time and the impact hadn’t been as bad as it would be today. Even so, he hadn’t been able to do a scene for months after that case.

“Yeah, I remember,” he whispers.

“We found her in that asshole’s bedroom, right? I forgot his name and no, don’t remind me. He’s rotting in prison and his name doesn’t deserve to take up space in my head. Anyway, we found her in the bedroom; hands, feet and neck wrapped in chains. She was completely restrained and he’d kept her there for days, raping her and eventually choked her to death.”

Memories of that bedroom and Jenn’s body flash through his mind and those memories blend together with Scott being similarly chained to Ryan’s bed, unable to free himself and a chain locked around his neck. And Ryan had sex with Scott while he’d been chained up like that, just like that asshole had done with Jenn! And Ryan hasn’t just done it once, but he’s done it multiple times. Ryan’s shaking and his head spins as bile climbs up his throat.

“Ryan, stop it. I know exactly what you’re thinking and you need to stop. You’re thinking there’s no difference between Jenn and me, or between you and that asshole. But that’s not true because context matters.”

Barely able to breathe, Ryan lowers his head and tries to swallow despite the tightness in his throat.

“On the surface, Jenn and my situations look the same. Both of us were chained to a bed, we couldn’t get ourselves out of those chains, we were under somebody else’s control and that somebody else had sex with us. But that’s where the similarities end because context matters. Did Jenn consent to _anything_ that was done to her?”

Ryan snorts. “Obviously not, but that’s not the point.”

“No, that’s the whole point. That’s the only point that matters. When you started getting turned on while I was touching your tattoo, did you just decide we’re having sex, grab me, chain me to the bed and have sex with me?”

Ryan scoffs. “Of course not. I wouldn’t do that. Sex is something we do together, not something I do _to_ you.”

“Exactly. You asked me if I wanted to have sex. You gave me that choice. And what were you gonna do if I said I wasn’t in the mood?”

“I would have gone to the play room and jerked off,” Ryan mumbles. He doesn’t have to think about his answer. If Scott had said no or given any sign that he didn’t want to have sex, that would have been the end of it. Ryan wouldn’t have been upset, it’s just the way things go sometimes.

“That’s the difference. You asked for my consent—which that asshole didn’t do with Jenn—and if I had said no, you wouldn’t have pushed me about it. But that other asshole did. Anytime you and I have sex, you always make sure you have my consent and you make sure I’m thinking clearly when we have those conversations. You’re not forcing me to do anything. That’s the difference.”

But Ryan’s still not fully convinced. Scott’s made good arguments, but there are so many situations that have a razor thin line between okay versus abusive. “But the chains change everything. The collar is something you can take off if you truly want to—” which Scott’s proven tonight, “—but what about the other chains? When you’re really restrained, you can’t get loose, even if you tried.”

“That’s true, but that’s the point. I trust you.”

“But—”

“No ‘but’. Context matters. The asshole who chained Jenn to that bed did it so she couldn’t run away. She wanted to get away and the chains stopped her. When you chain me to the bed, you do it because you know the chains make me feel safe and I love being restrained. I want the chains on me and I want to be on that bed. If I ever gave any sign that the chains were hurting me or that I was scared, you’d take them off in a heartbeat. I know that as well as I know my own name.”

Ryan stares at him. He’s marveled before at how much Scott trusts him, but this conversation is putting it into a whole other light. Once Scott’s fully restrained, his future entirely depends on Ryan’s choices, just like Jenn’s had. The only reason Scott’s alive right now and Jenn isn’t is because of the choices made by the people who had chained them up.

Mulling over the situation, Ryan knows he’d never make the same choices that asshole had made. No matter how turned on he gets or how possessive he feels, Scott showing signs of distress would be a bucket of cold water dumped over him and his entire focus would switch to making Scott feel safe again.

Ryan sighs softly. He’s feeling a bit better about the physical things they’ve been doing, but then remembers the thoughts that had plagued him right after he’d woken from his nightmare and his stomach clenches again.

The recliner squeaks and Scott appears in front of him, sitting on the coffee table. Reaching out, he gently squeezes Ryan’s thighs. “Tell me what else is going on in your head. Please.”

Ryan clenches his jaw. “Even if the physical things I do to you are okay and we’re doing things right...other things are bothering me. I said a lot of things to you tonight that aren’t okay. It’s not right that I’m saying things like ‘you belong to me’. You’re not my possession and I don’t like talking to you like that.”

Scott smiles softly again. “You know I’m really vulnerable when I’m in subspace. My brain moves at a snail’s pace, my body feels like I’m swimming through molasses and I have the IQ of a bowl of pudding. I love it and it feels great, but I’m not just physically vulnerable but I’m emotionally vulnerable too.”

That’s something Ryan had forgotten about and he keeps listening to Scott’s calm, rational words.

“I wouldn’t be able to defend myself if somebody tries to hurt me so I need to know that my dom will protect me. And because I’m in such a weird state, I need solid evidence. I love hearing you say that I belong to you because I know that means you’re really motivated to protect me. That’s why I love it when you’re holding my throat or my cock. That’s why I love wearing my collar and the chains and why I love your tattoo. All those things reassure me that my dom loves me and will protect me if somebody tries to hurt me. You do all those things for me, to reassure me, not to control me. The fact that you love doing those things too and reassuring your sub gets you really hot makes everything perfect.”

That hope is growing even brighter in his heart and Ryan’s fears have mostly faded. But he needs to make sure. “So you like it when I act like that? When I say things like that?”

“Yes, absolutely. This is why we’re matching puzzle pieces.”

That makes Ryan smile and Scott mirrors his smile before growing serious again. “But here’s what’s important: if you don’t wanna do and say things like that, then you don’t have to. We can discuss it and find ways around it if you’re not comfortable with those things. If you don’t like saying those things to me, we can come up with different things for you to say. If me wearing a chain for a collar is too difficult, we can switch to something else.”

Ryan clenches his jaw. “That’s the problem…cause I love all those things. I love how powerful I feel when I’m saying those things and locking the collar around your neck. Just calling you my good boy and putting a leather band around your neck wouldn’t give me the same rush. I love being overprotective and knowing you depend on me.”

“But does it make you feel guilty or conflicted?”

Ryan thinks about it. Now that Scott’s explained that he doesn’t just enjoy Ryan’s possessive behavior but that he needs it when he’s in subspace, Ryan easily pushes the last of his guilt aside. “No.”

Scott grins at him. “Then there’s no problem.”

Ryan chews on his lip. Every word from Scott is helping him feel better, but he’s still worried. “But what if I can’t control the possessiveness? What if it leaks out into our normal lives? When you’re not wearing the collar?”

“Did you care that I had dinner with Ty yesterday?”

Blinking, Ryan stares at Scott, bewildered by the sudden change in topic. “No. Why the hell would that matter? I’m happy when you spend time with your friends.”

Scott chuckles. “Harris, you don’t have to worry about ever becoming your dad cause your brain just isn’t wired that way. If you were a possessive monster, then you’d have big problems with me texting Ty and going out to dinner with him whenever I want. You’d have problems with me talking to any guy at work and working out at the gym where anybody can stare at me. Has it ever crossed your mind that you shouldn’t allow me to do those things?”

The answer is immediate. “No. Those things make you happy and it makes me happy that you’re hanging out with friends and having fun. I like it when you do things that are keeping you happy and healthy. And showing yourself off just makes me proud—and a little smug. Everybody else can look, but I’m the one who’s allowed to touch.”

“And if I ever wanted us to break up, would you let me go?”

Ryan’s breath catches. “I’d be heart-broken, but yeah, obviously I’d let you go. If that’s what you wanted, then that’s your right. I always have to be earning the right to be your dom and if I ever stop doing that, then you have the right to leave.”

Scott smiles and reaches out, putting his hand on Ryan’s face and rubbing his cheek with his thumb. “You see? There’s no reason to be worried.”

They’re silent for a moment as Ryan thinks over what Scott’s said.

Eventually, Scott releases his face and gently grabs his right hand, turning it over to reveal the black key tattoo on his wrist. “So let me guess, you’re also worried about your tattoo, right?”

Ryan’s actually completely forgotten about the tattoo but when he stares at the black key with Scott’s fingerprint on it, that small twinge of doubt flares up in his stomach again. The meaning of the tattoo is clear—it means Scott is a permanent part of Ryan’s life—but it could be interpreted in different ways.

Thankfully, Scott saves him from dwelling on it. “You know you got that tattoo _for_ me, not to control me. You’d never force me to get a tattoo branding me as your possession if I didn’t wanna do that. Instead, you choose to put a mark on yourself because you wanted to calm my stupid anxiety but you didn’t wanna confuse the situation by asking me to get a tattoo. You wanted to solve the problem by yourself because you’re my dom and you wanted to take care of me. It has nothing to do with you wanting to control me.”

That’s true.

“Any other things rattling around in your head?” Scott asks softly.

Ryan shakes his head, feeling a lot better. “I think I’m okay.”

“You sure?”

Nodding, Ryan reaches up and takes Scott’s hand off his face, squeezing it. “Thank you,” he whispers.

“You’re welcome. What do you wanna do now? You want more water? Want me to sleep in the play room?”

Ryan’s already shaking his head. “I wanna be with you.”

“Okay. Come on.” Getting off the coffee table, Scott takes him by the hand and pulls him into the bedroom. He takes the blanket off Ryan and hands him his sleeping clothes, helping him pull them on.

Ryan crawls into bed, feeling exhausted. Scott lies down next to him, spreads the blanket over them and holds out his arms, smiling at him.

“I’m here if you need me. It’s fine if you don’t wanna cuddle, but your octopus is here if you need him.”

Staring at Scott, Ryan really wants to touch him, but he still feels a bit hesitant.

Tilting his head at him, Scott waits a little bit but when Ryan doesn’t move, Scott leans over him, pressing their chests together and rubbing his nose against Ryan’s. “I love you,” he whispers. “You’ll never be your dad or those other assholes. Never.”

Bending down, Scott kisses him softly. Closing his eyes, Ryan sighs, Scott’s warm lips feeling so good against his own.

Scott keeps the kisses light, brushing gentle kisses over his lips. Ryan doesn’t respond at first and Scott shifts to pull away when Ryan decides to shove the remainders of his stupid uncertainty away and to prove to himself once and for all that Scott’s right about everything. Wrapping his arms around Scott’s back, he catches Scott’s lips and kisses him.

Scott hums against his lips and grins down at him. “You’re feeling better, huh?”

Ryan nods. “Yeah. I’m still a little off though.”

Scott kisses him. “I know. This nightmare fucked with your head and we’ll give your head all the time it needs to sort things out and calm down. Until then, I won’t wear my collar and we’ll keep things vanilla, okay?”

Smiling, Ryan kisses him firmly. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Rolling off Ryan, Scott holds out his arms. “Now, come on. Come cuddle with your octopus for a bit.”

Not needing to be told twice, Ryan rolls onto Scott, rubbing his face on his shirt and breathing in his familiar scent as Scott wraps his arms around him and kisses the top of his head.


	33. Chapter 33

Scott doesn’t put any pressure on Ryan to jump back into intense scenes. He does miss wearing his collar regularly, but just the thought of Ryan not feeling good about it is enough to quell his own excitement.

But Scott does put his foot down about one issue. “Harris, you gotta talk to me more,” he tells him when they’re sitting down the street from a suspect’s home, waiting for him to come home.

“I do talk to you,” Ryan mumbles around his sandwich.

“Yeah, about work stuff. But that’s not good enough. You said you’ve been feeling bad about those possessive feelings for a while and we could’ve talked about all this earlier and made you feel better before it blew up into a big nightmare.”

Ryan makes a face. “Yeah, I guess.”

“So?”

“So, I promise to tell you when I’m thinking about things that I don’t feel good about.”

Scott grins at him. “Perfect. Sharing the weird stuff our brains come up with always leads to us feeling better, so it’s a good way to live. And Ryan?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t put impossible expectations on yourself just cause you’re my dom. If I’m not wearing my collar, we’re equal partners and you’re allowed to lean on me. In fact, I want you to. That’s the only way things are gonna stay good between us.”

Ryan smiles softly, looking grateful. “Okay. Thanks.”

* * *

When Christmas rolls around, they’re too busy to do scenes anyway, which is another nice way to let Ryan ease back into things.

Scott can tell Ryan’s hesitant about touching him for a little while, but Scott solves that by asking Ryan to spot him during the gym a lot more than necessary and getting undressed in an unnecessarily sexy way when they get home, which thankfully leads to Ryan tackling him to the bed and them sucking each other off. Ryan’s careful not to do anything that would push Scott into subspace and Scott follows his lead. He’ll wait until Ryan’s ready for Scott to wear his collar again.

They attend the annual department Christmas party together, which is always a good time. They get to mingle with people who work other shifts and socialize with people they usually only talk to for cases. Scott keeps a careful eye on Ryan and he’s glad to see him having fun.

Ryan had also been invited by one of his BDSM buddies to attend a Christmas party and he’d originally hesitated about going, but after some encouragement from Scott, he agrees to go. At first, Scott offers to go with him if he doesn’t feel comfortable going alone, but he’s relieved when Ryan tells him he’ll be fine. Scott’s not ready to mingle with other people who wouldn’t just know him as ‘Scott’ but as a ‘sub’. Even being ‘Ryan’s sub’ wouldn’t make him feel better about it. He’s hoping he’ll be ready to meet Ryan’s friends one of these days, but not yet.

Thankfully, Ryan comes home with a big smile on his face. They’d exchanged presents at the party and Ryan has a bag of goodies, including new dildos and a pair of fluffy pink handcuffs.

The dildos get washed and put into the play room to be put to good use, but the handcuffs are more amusing than practical. But Scott decides the cuffs would be a good way to see where Ryan’s head is at.

He twirls them around his fingers as they’re sitting on the couch, watching television and he can tell Ryan’s attention is split between the whirling cuffs and the screen.

Grinning, Scott decides to gently poke Ryan a bit. “I don’t know why they gave you these cuffs. Cuffs are only for bad boys and I don’t see any bad boys around here,” he muses, smiling at Ryan.

He watches Ryan’s face for any sign of discomfort, but Ryan’s grin is genuine as he picks up the line Scott’s gently tossed down and goes along with the game. “Oh, I don’t know. I don’t think you’ve been the angel you think you are.”

Scott raises his eyebrows, blinking innocently at Ryan. “Me? I’m always an angel.”

“There’s been plenty of unnecessary flexing and porny sounds going on at the gym lately.”

Scott shakes his head, grinning. “Must have been somebody else.”

Ryan’s grin gets bigger and his eyes are sparkling. “I’m pretty sure I recognize all of your sex noises, Jenkins.”

Making a sad face, Scott sighs heavily. “You’re right. I haven’t been behaving myself at the gym, have I?”

Ryan chuckles. “Well, I know you’re doing it cause you’ve been trying to make me feel better, so I do appreciate it.” He snatches the twirling cuffs off Scott’s hands. “However…I haven’t been doing a good job looking after you lately, have I?”

Scott gives him a look. “You’ve been doing a great job. You always do.”

Ryan shakes his head, but there’s a smile playing on his lips. “Well, I think I gotta do a little better at letting my sub know he’s not the gym’s sub.”

Scott’s grin is back. “Oh? And how are you gonna do that?”

“Oh, you’ll see.” Tearing the little plastic ring off the cuffs that holds the cuff key, Ryan opens the cuffs and holds out his hand and Scott eagerly holds out his wrists, but Ryan shakes his head. “Nope, I gotta keep a closer eye on you. That means using these cuffs in a more creative way. Lie down, head on my lap.”

Eagerly lying down, Scott stays facing up, making himself comfortable with his head on Ryan’s lap.

Taking one of Scott’s hands Ryan gently snaps the cuffs around his wrist, keeping the cuff very loose. To Scott’s surprise, Ryan snaps the other cuff around his own wrist. “There. Now I can keep an eye on my sub.”

Grinning, Scott stares at their hands as Ryan clasps their hands together and brings them to Scott’s chest, the fuzz around the cuffs still allowing Scott to feel the metal pressing against his chest. They’re not very comfortable—being real handcuffs and not designed for comfort—and Scott’s thinking longingly of his leather cuffs, but these will do for now. It feels so nice to have his dom connected to him like this, but what’s even better is the way Ryan’s hand is rubbing his chest as the cuff shifts around and he’s smiling down at him.

“Happy now?” Scott asks.

Ryan grins. “Oh, yeah. This is much better.”

From his tone, Ryan doesn’t just mean that in relation to the little game they’re playing and that’s a very good sign.

Ryan’s staring down at him, completely ignoring the television. Bending down, he kisses Scott and covers his face in soft kisses as Scott smiles. Bringing his other hand to Scott’s face, Ryan rubs the edge of his jaw and slowly slides his fingers over Scott’s neck.

It’s been a while since Ryan’s had his hand wrapped around Scott’s neck and Scott can’t help but tilt his head back and let out a soft sound.

Ryan’s looking at him very intently and Scott’s having difficulty not letting his eyes drift closed. He wants to ask Ryan to wrap his hand fully around his throat, but he doesn’t want to push him. Instead, he gives Ryan a soft smile. “I’m okay, I promise,” he whispers.

A smile appears on Ryan’s face. “Me too.”

Ryan’s intense stare doesn’t ease up and he shifts beneath Scott, twisting himself so he’s sitting almost sideways. The change in position allows him to rub his hand over a larger area of Scott’s throat and Scott holds his breath, silently pleading with his eyes.

Moving slowly, Ryan keeps looking at him as he gently wraps his hand around Scott’s throat.

Feeling his dom’s warm hand settle around his neck and his pulse thudding against Ryan’s fingers, Scott lets out a content sigh and his eyes drift closed. Between one of his dom’s hands rubbing his chest and the other holding his throat, Scott sinks into complete contentment. He’s not really floating, but it feels so damn nice.

Ryan’s leg shifts again and his warm lips are covering Scott’s face in kisses and nuzzling his skin.

Scott could happily stay here for the rest of his life. Unfortunately, the mood is disrupted by the sound of his phone ringing on the coffee table. Groaning, Scott blindly reaches out his loose hand to search for his phone.

Ryan’s hand on his throat twitches. “Want me to grab it for you?”

“Only if you put your hand back right after.”

Chuckling, Ryan lifts his hand off his throat and Scott bites back the whine that tries coming out of his throat. Seconds later, his phone is tapped against his outstretched hand and he tightens his grip on it as it keeps ringing. Scott doesn’t even care about who’s calling, he’s waiting for…

…and there it is. Ryan’s warm hand is wrapping back around his throat, making Scott smile.

“It’s my mom,” Ryan tells him.

His smile growing bigger, Scott opens his eyes long enough to answer the call and put the phone on speaker before he rests it on his chest, right above their handcuffed hands and right below Ryan’s hand wrapped around his throat. “Hello?”

“Hi, Scotty. How are you, honey?” Claire’s voice fills the living room, joining the sound from the television.

Scott closes his eyes and smiles. “I’m doing really good.” His thoughts are a little sluggish and he’s floating a little, but he doesn’t care. His dom will help him if he’s about to make an idiot out of himself.

“You sound tired.”

Scott lets out a weak chuckle and Ryan’s hand twitches around his throat, no doubt struggling not to laugh. “Nah, I’m just relaxing.”

The fact that he’s relaxing because her son is handcuffed to him and has his hand wrapped around Scott’s throat isn’t a detail that she needs to know.

“Oh, that’s good. I was worried you were getting sick.”

“No, no. I’m…I feel really good.” It’s getting harder to talk. Damn it. He should sit up and have Ryan take his hand off his throat, but he really doesn’t want to.

“That’s wonderful, honey. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about Christmas.”

“Christmas is in a week,” Scott says because it’s the first thing that pops into his head. Ryan’s hand twitches again. Oh, he must be dying from suppressed laughter.

“That’s right,” Claire says, sounding way too patient despite the fact that Scott sounds like a moron. “I was wondering if you already had Christmas plans.”

Christmas has been a non-event for Scott for years. “No, no plans. I don’t really do Christmas. Well, I go to the dep—department…thing.”

“The department party?”

‘Party’. Yes, that’s the word he was looking for.

Ryan’s hand loosens around his throat as if he’s going to take his hand away and Scott slaps his loose hand on top of his, desperate to keep him where he is. Ryan’s probably worried Scott’s going to make an even bigger idiot out of himself and it’ll lead to an uncomfortable situation with his mom, but Scott wants to have the best of both worlds. He hasn’t had Ryan assert his dominance over him recently and he’s desperately missed it.

Opening his eyes, he blinks up at Ryan, who’s looking down at him with a raised eyebrow. Scott mouths the word ‘please’ up at him and Ryan’s hand gradually settles around his throat again.

Dealing with the possibility of losing Ryan’s hand around his throat and opening his eyes help him think a little clearer and he glances down at his phone. “Yeah, the department party. Sorry, I think I _am_ a little tired.”

“Oh, that’s alright. If you don’t have plans, I just wanted you to know that you’re more than welcome to join me and Ryan. We usually just spend the day over here, decorating the tree, playing card games and eating way too much food. We’d love to have you join us, if you’re interested.”

Scott’s breath catches and he glances up at Ryan, who’s smiling down at him, his thumb rubbing the side of his neck. Before he can even think about what this means, he chokes out a “Gimme a sec, Claire” and flips the phone upside down as he gapes up at Ryan.

“Did you know about this?” he demands.

Ryan nods, still smiling softly. “Yeah. My mom wanted to invite you herself so you’d know she wasn’t just putting up with you for my sake. We talked about it last week.” Then Ryan’s smile fades a bit and he gives Scott a hard look. “But don’t feel pressured. I told my mom you weren’t a fan of Christmas and I don’t want you feeling uncomfortable. You don’t have to come. I promise, I’ll still bring you leftovers like I always do.”

Scott stares at him, feeling overwhelmed. He hasn’t celebrated Christmas since his parents died and he knows what a big deal it is for Ryan and his mom to invite him to join their tiny celebration. Scott’s always known that Ryan spends Christmas Day with his mom and it’s a special day for them. The three of them usually exchange Christmas presents a few days before Christmas but Scott’s never even thought about joining them for their special day. He can’t believe they’re willing to let him join them. “You’d really let me join you guys for Christmas?”

“Let you? Scotty, you’re part of the family. If you wanna join us for Christmas, we’d love to have you.”

“You really want me to be there? I know it’s a special day for you guys.”

Ryan smiles softly and bends down to kiss his forehead. “I want you to be part of all our special days. Nothing would make me happier than having my whole family together. But the choice is yours. If you don’t wanna, that’s fine.”

The answer is out of Scott’s mouth before he even has to think about. “I do wanna. I really, really do wanna.”

Grinning, Ryan jostles their cuffed hands on Scott’s chest. “Good. And trust me, I’ll make sure you have a good time.”

That fills Scott with relief. He’d always been worried about joining other families for Christmas because he hated the idea of being the odd one out or feeling like a charity case. But he’s never felt that way when he spends time with Claire and Ryan during movie nights or when Claire invites them over for dinner. It occurs to him that he’s already been an accepted part of the Harris family for a while, without even realizing it.

Smiling, he tilts his head back a bit and purses his lips, which makes Ryan bend down so they can kiss.

When Ryan pulls back, Scott’s grinning and his heart is overflowing with love, not just for Ryan but for Claire too; a woman who has adopted Scott without question just because she likes him and thinks he’s worthy of her love.

Flipping his phone back over, Scott clears his throat. “Sorry about that, Claire.”

“That’s fine, honey.” She sounds so patient and Scott realizes she probably knows Ryan’s here and she knew Scott would need to talk to Ryan about things first.

“I’d really like to spend Christmas with you guys,” he tells her.

“That’s great! I’ll make you some of your favorites, okay? And don’t do anything special. No fancy clothes, no extra presents, nothing. Just bring the normal presents and yourself and don’t forget to bring Ryan along and that’ll be perfect.”

Chuckling, Scott relaxes against Ryan, who’s gently massaging Scott’s throat. Reaching up, he touches Ryan’s face and Ryan nuzzles his hand with a smile, kissing his palm. “Oh, I’ll remember to bring Harris along.”

She laughs. “That’s good. Otherwise, we’ll have to eat everything ourselves.”

Scott sighs dramatically. “That would be a struggle. It really would be better if I bring Harris. I’ll write myself a reminder, just in case.”

“That’s a wonderful idea. Alright, I’ll let you go. You two can show up whenever you want on the 25th, but be ready to help in the kitchen when you get here.”

Grinning, Scott’s stomach is clenched with excitement. “We’ll bring our aprons and our appetites.”

“And don’t forget my wine!”

Laughing, Scott grabs Ryan’s hand on his chest and squeezes it. This is going to be wonderful. “We won’t, I promise.”

Once he’s hung up the phone and dropped it back on the coffee table, he grins up at Ryan. “I can’t believe I’m gonna have a good Christmas again.”

Ryan’s staring down at him intensely. “You’re never gonna have another lonely Christmas, I promise.”

Scott smiles up at him. “I love you, you know that, right? I love you and your mom.”

Ryan smiles softly and bends down to kiss him. “I know and my mom knows. We love you too and we always will.”

* * *

Scott really doesn’t want to push Ryan, but he’s also getting a little antsy. A few days before Christmas, he decides to see how Ryan feels about doing a short scene. Christmas will fall on a Tuesday, so they’ll have the weekend off and only have to go to work on Monday before having Christmas Day off.

On Saturday, Scott walks up behind Ryan as he’s loading the dishwasher after lunch and wraps his arms around him. “Harris?”

“Hmm?”

“Can I wear my collar today?” He’s paying careful attention to Ryan’s body and thankfully, there’s no tension from his question.

Ryan grabs his hands and turns around, sliding his hands around Scott’s waist and smiling at him. “Sure. You wanna do anything else related to the collar?”

Scott grins. “I’m up for whatever you’re up for.”

Pressing his lips together, Ryan stares at him. “I’d really like to fuck your mouth.”

His grin widening, Scott presses his forehead against Ryan’s. “I’d really like that.”

“And I’d wanna cuff your hands behind your back before I start.”

“That would be even better.”

A smile plays on Ryan’s lips. “I’m thinking I’d wanna come in your mouth.”

“You know that’s one of my favorite things.”

Ryan’s hands twist in his shirt. “Then I really wanna chain you to the bed. It’s been a while.”

“Yes, it has. That would make me even happier.”

Ryan licks his lips, grinning at him. “I know you’ll wanna get something in that greedy hole of yours, but I wouldn’t be able to fuck you right away. I’m thinking of watching you get fucked by the machine for a while. Maybe I’ll play with your nipples and your rim while you’re getting fucked.”

His breath catching, Scott’s trembling a little. He can’t wait! “How—how long are you gonna let me get fucked by the machine?”

“Oh, as long as I want. But eventually, I’m gonna be hard again and I’m gonna fuck you and fill you up with my cum.”

With his grin stretching ear to ear, Scott draws in a shaky breath. “You want help with the scene prep?”

Ryan’s quiet for a moment, then he raises an eyebrow. “How would you feel about waiting for me while I walk around, getting things ready?”

Smiling, Scott nods, instantly in love with the idea. Being naked while waiting for his dom sounds amazing. “I think I’d love that.”

But Ryan doesn’t look so sure as he slowly rubs Scott’s back. “You think you’d be okay with it? It might make you anxious.”

That’s a good point, but Scott doesn’t like the idea of giving in to his anxiety so easily. “I wanna try if you’re willing to try. You won’t be going far, right?”

“No. I’d just be going in and out of the play room a couple of times. I’d never leave for longer than a minute or two.”

That makes Scott even more determined to try this. “Then I wanna give this a shot. I think I’ll really like it once I get past the anxiety and I hate the idea of not doing something just because of my stupid anxiety.”

Ryan still looks hesitant. “Are you sure?”

“Absolutely. But if things go sideways, you’ll know and you can change direction. I trust you.”

That makes Ryan smile softly, his eyes shining. “Okay. We’ll give this a try.”

Excitement rising within him, Scott grins at him. “So how do you wanna do this?”

“I’m gonna want you naked and wearing your collar. The carpet’s thick enough in the play room so you should be comfortable kneeling there, but I’ll get you a pillow if it’s not enough. Do you wanna be tied up or no?”

Scott nods frantically. Not only has he desperately missed his chains, but being restrained will help him fight his anxiety. “Yeah. Definitely.”

Ryan grins. “Okay. I’ll do your wrists and if you seem unsure about the situation, I’ll do your ankles too.”

“Nice and tight.”

Ryan grin gets soft. “I’m gonna take care of you, don’t worry.”

That sends an eager shiver through Scott and his smile grows. “What are you gonna do after I’m tied up?”

“You’re gonna wait for me. I’m gonna wanna walk around the apartment, getting things ready while you’re being my good, patient sub. You think you’d like that?”

Ryan’s tone is casual but Scott knows how important that question is. Hearing Ryan using that strong, confident voice and calling Scott his sub instantly makes his body responds without him being aware of it. Slowly, he sinks to his knees on the kitchen tiles and clasps his hands behind his back while he stares up at Ryan. It’s been a while since he’s being in subspace and he easily sinks into the familiar, warm darkness, letting his body go.

Ryan smiles down at him and cups his chin with his right hand, which happens to have the key tattoo on it. Scott smiles and nuzzles the tattoo, which makes Ryan draw in a shaky breath.

Keeping his hand on Scott’s face, Ryan tangles his other hand into Scott’s hair and grips it tight. The familiar pain and being on his knees in front of his dom is the last push he needs and Scott’s floating.

“You’re already under, huh? It’s been a while. I know you’ve been patient because of me and you have no idea how grateful I am.”

Scott stares up at him with a smile, his words completely gone, but he doesn’t need them anymore.

“Come on, up you get. We’re going into the play room.”

His heart glowing, Scott lets Ryan help him to his feet, his limbs not really cooperating with him. He’s not worried about it. His dom will keep him safe.

Once he’s in the play room, his dom helps him take off his clothes, makes him kneel and puts his wrist cuffs on him, clipping them together behind his back. Scott’s worn his wrist cuffs a few times recently, just for the comfort, but he’s missed having them fulfill their bigger purpose: keeping him safe and restrained.

When his hands are clipped together behind his back, Scott relaxes against the restraint, sinking even deeper when his arms accept that he doesn’t have to worry; the cuffs won’t let him go.

Things get even better when his dom puts the cool, metal chain around his neck, locking the ends together with the heavy, cold padlock. Wearing his collar again makes him feel wonderful and when his dom lifts his chin, Scott smiles up at him, shaking a bit.

“You okay?”

Scott nods. He’s very okay. Shuffling across the carpet on his knees, Scott presses his face against Ryan’s legs, nuzzling his soft pants.

His dom’s hands settle in his hair, gently rubbing his scalp.

Scott moans, feeling so good. Pulling back from Ryan’s leg, Scott rubs his face on Ryan’s arms, first one, then the other. Ryan’s hands loosen from his hair and slide around to his face, where Scott happily nuzzles them. He sees the black tattoo on his dom’s wrist; the key and Scott’s own fingerprint in stark contrast to his dom’s pale skin. Smiling, Scott brushes a kiss over it.

“You’re my good boy, aren’t you? My good and happy boy,” his dom whispers above him.

Tilting his head up, Scott smiles up at him, nodding.

His dom has a soft smile on his face and he looks so happy. Bending down, he kisses Scott’s forehead. “I’m gonna take care of you, I promise.”

Scott keeps nodding, even though that statement doesn’t need agreement or disagreement. His dom taking care of him is a natural fact of life, like the sky being blue.

He watches his dom and just waits, because his dom’s in charge and he’ll decide what’s going to happen. All Scott has to do is be patient and follow orders.

His dom’s hands slide back into his hair and this time, the grip is tight as he pulls his head back even further, sharp pain tingling through Scott’s body. Scott lets out a moan and his cock stiffens.

One of his dom’s hands release his hair and his thumb rubs over Scott’s lower lip, making Scott eagerly part his lips. Two of his dom’s fingers slide into his mouth and Scott groans around the thick fingers as they slide over his tongue, fucking his mouth. His eyes drift closed and he seals his lips around the fingers, letting them thrust in and out of his mouth.

His dom lets out a soft sound. “Fuck, I missed watching you floating. You look so damn gorgeous and happy, you know that? Jesus Christ, I’m hard already and you’ve been sucking my fingers for two seconds. You’re amazing, Scotty.”

His dom finger fucks his mouth for a while until the fingers’ movement slows and stops. Scott blinks his eyes open and stares up at him, rubbing the fingers in his mouth with his tongue.

“Okay, that’s enough for now. I’m gonna get things ready and you need to be a good boy and wait for me.”

When his dom pulls his fingers out of his mouth, Scott doesn’t catch the small whine he lets out, but he doesn’t make any other fuss. His dom told him this is what has to happen, so this is what has to happen. End of story. But knowing that and accepting it are two different things.

His dom is looking at him intently. “I think you need a little more than just the wrist cuffs right now, don’t you? You need to be tied up a little more.”

That makes Scott shake and he’s nodding frantically. He’s missed his chains so much!

His dom walks away from him and when he’s back, he crouches behind Scott and wraps his fuzzy ankle cuffs around each of his ankles. “Sit back on your heels.”

Keeping his head bowed, Scott closes his eyes as he sits back and waits for whatever his dom is going to do. He doesn’t need to worry. Whatever his dom will do is going to make him feel good.

His wrists are unclipped, but before Scott can feel sad about that, the clips are being re-arranged and the clip on his right wrist is being attached to his left ankle cuff, followed by his left wrist cuff being clipped to his right ankle cuff.

“Let’s do a couple more, hang on.”

His wrists are already being pulled down to his ankles, but then they’re being pulled close together again as they’re clipped back together. The effect is wonderful. Tensing his arms, his wrists pull on each other, keeping them tightly bound behind his back and they pull on his ankles too. He’s fully restrained. Even if he tried, he couldn’t stand up. The chains and cuffs are telling him loud and clear that they’re going to keep him safe and it’s a wonderful feeling.

Shaking with happiness, Scott opens his eyes and smiles up at his dom, who has a soft smile on his face. “Comfortable?”

Scott nods frantically, his smile stretching ear to ear.

“You need a pillow under your legs?”

No, he’s fine. Sighing happily, Scott shakes his head and leans forward enough to nuzzle his dom’s pants again. His dom’s hands tangle in his hair, massaging firmly.

“You’re my happy boy, aren’t you?”

Scott could stay here for the rest of his life, breathing in his dom’s scent and the wonderful collar around his neck while his wrists and ankles are restrained, but sadly, his dom pulls back. “Okay, stay here and keep being my good boy. I’m gonna go get things ready.”

Whining against his dom’s thigh, Scott feels terribly sad at the thought of his dom leaving him. He’s been such a good boy! Why is his dom leaving him?

“Hey, look at me.” His dom’s hands pull his head back until Scott’s staring up at him.

“I’m not leaving you. I’d never, _ever_ leave you. You’re my sub for life, remember? I chose you and that’s permanent.”

His dom holds out his wrist to show him the black key tattoo and Scott’s own fingerprint emblazed on it. “I chose to put this on my wrist because you’ll always belong to me. I’m never gonna leave you and I’m never gonna throw you away.”

Seeing the tattoo does calm some of the anxiety hammering in Scott’s chest and he brushes his lips over the tattoo, letting its presence push his anxiety back. His dom put Scott’s fingerprint on his wrist, nobody else’s. He wouldn’t have done that if he wanted to leave Scott forever.

“Okay?”

Taking a deep breath, Scott nods. He’s still anxious and a little scared, but he trusts his dom and he trusts that tattoo.

His dom stares at him for a long moment before firmly kissing his forehead and releasing his hair. Stepping back from him, he slowly walks backwards towards the open doorway. “You’re my good boy. I’m not leaving, I’m just getting things ready. You just gotta be my patient, good boy.”

Watching his dom walking away, Scott keeps breathing and refuses to let his anxiety take over. His dom has a permanent tattoo with Scott’s fingerprint on it. He chose to put that on his skin and he wouldn’t have done that unless he wanted to keep Scott for life. Even if his dom has to walk around the apartment, it doesn’t mean he’s leaving him. He just has to get things ready so Scott can get fucked the way he wants to. His dom is taking care of him, even if he’s not touching Scott right now.

Scott relaxes as he watches his dom walking around. Sometimes his dom comes into the play room, other times he’s doing something in the kitchen. But no matter where he is, his dom often calls out things like ‘You’re being my good boy, Scotty’ and ‘I’m proud of you’ and ‘Just a little while longer, I promise’. Every few minutes, he’ll come up to Scott, kiss him and praise him for being a good boy. Each time his dom leaves, Scott feels less anxious about it.

When his dom finally tells him he’s finished, he smiles proudly at Scott as he grips his hair and kisses him hard. “You were such a good boy, I’m so proud of you. Now I’ll give you all the cock and cum you want, I promise.” Releasing Scott, his dom pulls off his shirt, his stiff cock bulging in his pants.

Scott shivers from anticipation, staring hungrily at his dom’s hard cock as his dom takes off his pants and underwear. As his mouth water, he’s shaking with desperate want. No matter how many times he’s sucked his dom’s cock, he’ll never have enough of it.

His dom fists his cock a few times, letting out a soft groan. Without saying a word, his dom grips Scott’s hair with one hand and guides his cock to his lips, rubbing the leaking head over his lips before he slides it into Scott’s mouth, Scott letting his lips part as the familiar, warm thickness fills his mouth.

They both let out groans and Scott closes his eyes, his entire world consisting of nothing but his dom’s hand gripping his head, holding it in place, and his dom’s thick cock thrusting into his mouth, leaking pre-cum all over his tongue and smearing it around his mouth.

“Look at you, you’re being my good boy. Fuck, you look incredible. I’ll never get used to this. Even when you’re sucking my cock when we’re eighty years old, I’m gonna be just as amazed as I am now,” his dom mumbles, sounding awed.

Scott moans happily around his dom’s cock and lets himself float, feeling very happy.

His dom fucks his mouth at a slow pace, letting out little gasps and soft sounds. Sometimes, his hand tightens on Scott’s hair and he’ll thrust faster or he’ll slide his cock into Scott’s throat, holding it there and cutting off his breathing for a few seconds before pulling back.

“You look gorgeous, you know that? Your face covered in spit and you’re loving this, aren’t you? You love having your dom fuck your mouth. You’re being my good, happy boy. I’m so proud of you.”

Eventually, his dom’s pace speeds up again and Scott knows he’s getting close. Knowing he’ll get to have his dom’s cum soon makes Scott suck harder, which makes his dom groan and swear as his cock leaks in Scott’s mouth.

Finally, his dom lets out a little sound and Scott’s mouth is flooded with the warm, familiar taste of his dom’s cum. No matter how many times he’s tasted it, he’ll never tired of it. It’s not just amazing because it’s cum, but because it’s his dom’s cum and his dom is letting him have every drop.

Scott eagerly lets his mouth fill up with cum as his dom’s cock smears it around his mouth, spurting more into his mouth. Swallowing most of it so the taste will stay in his throat for hours, he keeps some of it in his mouth, knowing that’s what his dom likes.

When his dom pulls his cock out, Scott keeps his lips parted, cum dripping out of his mouth, down his chin and dribbling onto his chest.

His dom’s breathing is shaky and he pulls Scott’s head back further as Scott open his eyes, smiling up at him. His dom’s eyes are huge and dark with arousal as he stares down at him, his grip on Scott’s hair shaking.

“Fuck, you look so damn hot. I wish I could keep you like this all the time. Just keep you in subspace twenty-four hours a day and make hundreds of batches of cum so I can fill you up with it and see it drip all over you.”

Bending down, his dom kisses him hard, licking into his cum-filled mouth. Moaning, Scott flicks his tongue against his dom’s letting it push his own tongue around his mouth, swirling through his dom’s cum.

When his dom pulls back, his mouth and chin are covered in white smears of cum and Scott smiles, making his dom chuckle and kiss his forehead. “I’m covered in cum now too, aren’t I? We make a good pair.”

Oh, do they ever.

“Okay, let’s get you on the bed. I wanna watch your slutty hole getting fucked. It hasn’t had anything fucking it for a few days and that’s no good.”

Normally, Scott would be focused on his empty mouth, but the promise of getting fucked is a good distraction. Smiling, Scott waits until his dom unclips his hands and ankles and helps him to his shaky feet. His legs aren’t working very well, but his dom has a strong grip on him and Scott isn’t worried.

Once he’s lying on the bed, he flings his arms out and plants his feet on the mattress, spreading his knees apart and closing his eyes.

His dom chuckles. “You’re amazing, Scotty.”

Well, he has an amazing dom, so it’s easy being an amazing sub.

He waits patiently while he listens to the familiar clinking of the chains and feels them being clipped to his wrist cuffs. He tugs on the chains and feels the reassuring pull from the chains keeping him in place. Wrapping his hands around the cool, thick chains, he smiles. Oh, he’s missed his chains so much!

There’s more noise around him, but Scott keeps his eyes closed and lets himself float. He isn’t worried about what’s going on. His dom’s with him and he’ll protect him. Scott doesn’t need to know what’s going on around him.

“Okay, let’s get you warmed up.”

His dom’s slick fingers rub over his hole and Scott lets out a shaky breath as they slide in, thrusting into him and opening him up. It feels so damn good that he lets out a groan.

It’s a little disappointing that his dom hadn’t decided to chain up his legs, but that’s his dom’s choice. Scott thinks he should know why his dom chose not to fully restrain him, but he can’t remember what the reason might be. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. His dom made the decision to only chain up his hands so that’s what’s going to happen.

His dom’s fingers eventually pull out and the smooth head of a cock pushes against his rim. There’s the familiar sound of a machine being turned on and the cock slides into him. The cock has wonderful ridges that catch on his rim and send shivers through him. Oh, he knows this cock! This is one of his favorites!

Letting out a gasp, Scott smiles as the hard cock thrusts into him, stretching him open and filling him up before it pulls back out, those ridges tugging on his rim as they pass.

“You love this cock, don’t you? Feels good, huh?”

The bed shifts and Scott opens his eyes as the cock slowly fucks him. His dom is leaning over him, smiling down at him and Scott grins at him, feeling so good.

He stares up at his dom, whose eyes are shining as he looks down at him, watching him feeling good. The cock thrusts faster, making Scott cry out as arousal races through him and his cock throbs. Oh, this is amazing.

His dom grins and braces his arm above Scott’s head, gripping his hair and pulling his head back. “You’re feeling so good, aren’t you?”

Managing a small nod, Scott’s breathing is choppy as he floats, staring at his dom, who’s looking at him with such awe and love in his eyes.

“You’re being my good boy. My good sub. I’m gonna take care of you for the rest of our lives, I promise,” his dom mumbles, bringing his other hand to Scott’s face and rubbing the drying streaks of cum on his cheek.

Scott sees the black tattoo on his dom’s wrist and he rubs his face against it. He can’t stop smiling as he stares up at his dom, letting the cock fuck him. He’s missed all of this so much! But the best part is that his dom is happy too. His eyes are shining with joy and he seems just as happy as Scott, which makes everything perfect.

Bending down, his dom nuzzles his face, brushing soft kisses over his cheeks and forehead, every kiss filled with love.

Slowly, Scott closes his eyes, sinking deeper into that warm, comfortable darkness that he loves so much. His dom keeps kissing his face and telling Scott how good he’s being and that he’ll take care of Scott for the rest of his life, while that cock keeps fucking him hard and sending waves of arousal through him. Nothing could make this more perfect.


	34. Chapter 34

When Scott wakes up, he’s in one of his favorite positions: lying on Ryan’s chest, the warm blanket and Ryan’s arms wrapped around his back, his plug in his ass and his cuffs holding his wrists and ankles.

Sighing deeply, Scott rubs his face against Ryan’s chest. His face isn’t covered in dry patches of cum, so Ryan must have cleaned him up. Scott remembers something soft and moist wiping his face, but he’d had his eyes closed at the time and hadn’t worried about it. And isn’t that something?

Ryan had been doing all sorts of things to him and around him and Scott had been perfectly content to lie on the bed with his eyes closed, because he’d known that he can trust Ryan. There hadn’t been a single glimmer of doubt in his mind. Not only that, but Ryan had left him kneeling and restrained on the play room floor while he’d walked around, doing things and Scott hadn’t succumbed to his anxiety. He hadn’t felt fully comfortable, but he also hadn’t felt horribly anxious. Overall, it was great progress!

“Welcome back to planet Earth, Scotty,” Ryan mumbles, his chest vibrating as he talks.

Scott smiles and kisses his chest. “Good to be here.”

“Good trip?”

Chuckling, Scott nuzzles Ryan’s chest. “Always. I have the best dom in the world, so I always have the best trips. Very comfortable and the service is fantastic.”

Ryan’s chest shakes as he laughs.

But then Scott remembers that this hadn’t been just another scene, but it had been the first real scene they’d done since Ryan had that stupid nightmare. Pushing himself up, he crawls up Ryan’s body and plants his arms on either side of his face so he can stare down at him, studying his face. “How are you feeling?”

Ryan smiles. “Really good.”

Scott watches him carefully and he’s glad to see that Ryan really does look relaxed and happy. “You’re okay with how everything went?”

“Yup. I could’ve even chained up your legs and I’d have been fine, but I didn’t prep those chains.”

Scott grins. “That’s fine. I had a great time and you had a great time and that’s all that matters.” Bending down, he kisses Ryan, who lets out a happy sound and kisses him back, tightening his arms around him.

“I’m really proud of you, by the way,” Ryan mumbles against his lips.

Scott snorts. “Thanks, I already know my cock sucking skills are top notch. But praise is always nice, so I’ll take it.”

Ryan chuckles and lightly smacks his ass as he kisses him some more. “Not that. Well, yes, I’m proud of you for that, but that’s not a skill you needed to work on. I’m proud of you for something else.”

“What’s the something else?”

Ryan pulls back and grins at him. “I left you by yourself and walked away from you a dozen times and I know how hard that was for you, but you battled through it.”

Scott grins. “Yeah, that was tough, but I’m glad we did it. We’re slowly winning the battle against my abandonment issues, huh?”

Frowning a little, Ryan tightens his arms around him. “You know I wouldn’t have walked away if you were really upset, right?”

Scoffing, Scott rolls his eyes. “I know. But you did a great job reassuring me and the tattoo and the cuffs were a huge help.”

Ryan grins. “I’m really glad.”

“Me too.” Bending down, Scott resumes kissing him, sighing happily. Then he remembers what else he’s happy about. “By the way…”

“Hmm?”

Pulling back, Scott smiles down at him. “I think it’s really cool that I’m always closing my eyes during scenes now. I didn’t even notice I was doing it.”

Ryan grins. “Yeah, I’ve noticed. You’ve been doing it for a while.”

“Do you mind?”

He shakes his head. “Nope. I love knowing you trust me enough to do that.”

“I’m not even making a conscious decision to do it. I think I can feel everything else more intensely if I’m not using any energy to look around. And I love that I’m not worried at all when my eyes are closed. Even when you’re walking around and not touching me or if you’re touching me with different toys or other things, I never get scared. I know you’d never hurt me and you’d never let anybody else hurt me either.”

Ryan blinks hard and his face goes through a series of emotions. “I’m gonna do everything I can to keep earning that trust, I promise.”

Scott smiles down at him. “I know. I’m not worried about that at all. Never have been, never will be. That’s just a fact of life, like the sky being blue.”

Ryan draws in a shaky breath and his only response is to squeeze Scott harder.

* * *

As they’re getting ready to leave to go to Claire’s to celebrate Christmas, Scott’s stomach is clenching into tighter and tighter knots. He’s being silly. He’s not going to spend the day with strangers; it’s just going to be him, Ryan and Claire. Out of the billions of people in this world, they are the two he’s most comfortable being around so theoretically, he shouldn’t feel nervous.

But he still can’t shake the thought that he’s not really wanted by them. That they’d invited him out of pity. That he’ll be left sitting by himself while they talk about things he’s not involved in. That he’ll see how happy they are to spend Christmas as a family and Scott will be reminded that he doesn’t really have a family.

“Hey,” Ryan says softly and grabs Scott’s face. “If you don’t feel comfortable, you don’t have to do this.”

Scott clenches his jaw. “I do wanna do it. But I’m worried that things will be weird. I can’t shake the thought that you guys don’t really want me there.”

Ryan stares at him, looking upset. “That stupid voice put those thoughts into your head, didn’t it?”

Sighing, Scott nods. “Yeah. Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. Don’t ever fucking apologize for that asshole voice that lives in your head. It’s not your fault. You wanna do the breathing thing?”

There are a million thoughts in Scott’s head—his anxiety is still ranting about Ryan not wanting Scott to go with him and there’s a new voice telling him that he’s pathetic, why does Ryan have to do this for him, he doesn’t deserve—

“Scotty? Yes or no?”

Staring at Ryan, Scott nods, desperate to make the stupid voice stop.

Immediately, his dom spins him around and presses one arm across Scott’s chest as he lightly wraps his hand around his throat. His other hand rest over Scott’s nose and mouth, not covering them, but preparing to. “Ready? Breathe. Now.” His dom’s harsh order pushes all other thoughts out of his head and Scott obediently takes a breath.

“Good. Again…good. Here we go: three…two…one…take a deep breath.”

When Scott’s finished drawing in a deep breath and he’s holding it, his dom pinches his nose shut and covers his mouth, sealing off his access to air. Immediately, his dom starts counting down.

“Ten…nine…eight…”

All thoughts disappear from Scott’s head. His heart rate is slowing, his pulse is thudding against his dom’s fingers on his neck and his dom’s soothing, firm voice is counting numbers in his ear, not leaving room for anything else.

“…three…two…one and breathe.”

His dom’s grip on his nose and mouth disappears and Scott sucks in a deep breath.

“Good. Five, breathe…four, breathe…”

They repeat the pattern over and over and Scott lets his eyes close as he relaxes against Ryan, not having to worry about anything except his own breathing and listening to his dom.

Eventually, Ryan’s hand leaves his face and slides down his sweater. To Scott’s delight, Ryan’s hand doesn’t stop; it keeps moving further down until it’s cupping his soft cock through his jeans. Despite the layers of clothes between his cock and Ryan’s hand, he can feel the warmth and strength of his dom’s hand and it fills him with relief.

Ryan will protect him. Ryan wants him to be comfortable, he wants him to have a good Christmas.

“You’re my sub and you’re my family, Scotty,” Ryan whispers in his ear, his hands firmly gripping his throat and cock. “I love you and being around you is a fucking privilege, not a chore. I don’t wanna spend Christmas with you because I pity you. I wanna spend Christmas with you because I wanna spend the day with the two people I love most in the world, and you’re one of those two people.”

Scott slumps against Ryan, his anxious thoughts having fallen completely silent as they’re replaced with the warmth of Ryan’s words.

“If you’re not having a good time, then I’m gonna notice and I’m gonna do everything possible to change it. I don’t ever wanna see you suffer. You understand that? When you’re suffering, it breaks my fucking heart and I hate it. It doesn’t matter if we’re here at home, at work or at my mom’s or on the fucking moon. Taking care of you is a privilege and I’m gonna do it every single second of the rest of our lives.”

Ryan kisses his temple hard and Scott slowly opens his eyes. He feels much better and he’s determined to ride this new wave of positivity before his stupid anxiety can grab hold of him again. “Ryan?”

“Hmm?”

“I think I’m ready.”

Ryan presses his face to the side of Scott’s and grins at him. “Good.” Gently releasing him, Ryan turns Scott around, lifts his chin and kisses him. “Time to start our new annual Christmas tradition.”

Scott grins against his lips and wraps his arms around Ryan’s waist, so unbelievably grateful that he gets to have Ryan in his life.

* * *

When they show up at his mom’s apartment, Christmas music is playing and Ryan sees his mom has put up Christmas decorations all over the living room, as she does every year.

He’s relieved when she focuses more on Scott than him from the moment they arrive. He’s never told his mom about Scott’s anxiety and he wouldn’t do that without Scott’s permission, but his mom’s always been perceptive.

She hugs Scott first and after hugging Ryan, she’s right back to focusing on Scott, telling him to hang up his jacket, where to put the bag of presents they’d brought and to come into the kitchen to help her cook.

Ryan’s thrilled that she doesn’t give Scott a spare second to think, since that would allow his anxiety to grab hold of him again. Scott does look more relaxed than he had before they’d left home and his mom’s efforts to keep him involved in things seem to be helping.

But just in case, Ryan still keeps a careful eye on Scott and stays as close to him as he can. After bringing up the Christmas decorations from his mom’s storage, he joins Scott in the kitchen and wraps his arms around him as he watches him chop various things that will create the stuffing for the turkey.

“Looking good, Jenkins,” Ryan mumbles as he rests his chin on Scott’s shoulder.

Scott smirks. “You talking to me or the vegetables?”

Ryan grins. “Well, I know which one I like having in my mouth more,” he whispers into Scott’s ear.

Laughing, Scott gently elbows him in the gut. But his laugh sounds a little strained. It occurs to Ryan that maybe he should have asked his mom to have their first Christmas as a family at his and Scott’s apartment. That would have probably made Scott feel more comfortable. But they’re here now and Ryan will just have to work hard to make Scott feel good.

Glancing over his shoulder to check that his mom is still busy sorting through the bag of Christmas decorations, Ryan wraps one arm around Scott’s chest and slides the other over his jeans, gently cupping his cock. They’ve done this often enough by now that Scott rarely gets turned on anymore, but it gives him a huge amount of comfort.

Scott draws in a sharp breath and shivers in Ryan’s arms before slumping a little, clearly relieved that Ryan stepped in to help.

Pressing his lips to Scott’s ear, Ryan tightens his grip on him a little more. “I’m always gonna be your shield. Anytime you need me, I’m here,” he whispers into Scott’s ear.

Scott’s body shivers again and he lets out a choked breath before he’s nodding.

Ryan kisses his neck. “You wanna cut or you want me to do it?”

“Can you…can you keep holding me like this? Just please don’t let your mom see,” Scott pleads in a low voice.

“You got it. I won’t let her see, don’t worry.” Ryan keeps his mom in his peripheral vision as he watches Scott go back to cutting.

With Ryan pressed up against him, his arm wrapped around Scott and his hand holding his cock, Scott relaxes, a small smile on his lips as he works. It might not be an efficient way to get the cooking done, but Ryan loves making Scott feel better.

Eventually, Scott asks Ryan to hand him certain things or do something that’s a little farther away from him and Ryan makes sure he’s helpful, but he always returns to Scott when he’s done. Scott never fails to slump against him and smile when Ryan’s back, resuming his post. Thankfully, his mom seems to understand that something’s going on with Scott and she’s deliberately staying out of the kitchen and staying busy in the living room while keeping up a steady stream of chatter.

By the time the turkey’s in the oven, Scott’s smiling and seems fully relaxed and it’s time to decorate the tree.

“Scotty, you go ahead and pick whatever decorations you wanna put on the tree,” his mom tells Scott when they’re all crowded around the table, staring at the piles of ornaments.

“You don’t want things in a special order?” Scott asks.

His mom chuckles. “Nope. I want everybody putting things where they want to put them. Oh, but there’s one ornament that does have a special place.”

Smiling, Ryan digs through the pile and picks up the box holding the oldest ornament they own. Opening it, Ryan carefully pulls out the white angel, made from toilet paper and toilet paper rolls. There’s a piece of paper glued to the angel’s head which has eyes, a nose and a smiling mouth drawn on it. It doesn’t have any hair, but it has a halo made from cotton swabs attached to its head.

Looking at the fragile, handmade angel always brings back memories and conflicting emotions. There are a lot of bad and good memories tied up in this little angel.

Holding it up for Scott to see, Ryan grins when Scott tries to hide his bewilderment.

“It…looks lovely.”

His mom laughs. “It’s hideous and we all know it. But that angel is special and we’ve had it on our tree every Christmas for the last 24 years.”

Ryan tugs on the toilet paper bits to fluff up the angel a bit and checks on the cotton swab halo to make sure it’s still sturdy. He glances at Scott and sees him frowning at the angel in Ryan’s hands. Scott’s probably doing the math and figuring out its existence started from the year Ryan and his mom had left his dad.

“Mom made it on our first Christmas after we left dad,” Ryan tells him.

Scott steps up behind him and wraps his arms around Ryan’s waist. “It’s amazing that it’s survived this long. It’s tough, just like you two.”

His mom appears on Ryan’s other side and Ryan smiles down at her, slinging an arm around her shoulders while he leans back against Scott. “The three of us are a tough bunch, that’s for sure.”

His mom smiles sadly as she reaches out and takes the angel from Ryan, smoothing down the toilet paper sheets. “We left three weeks before Christmas. I didn’t have any money for presents but Ryan was old enough to understand. I still wanted him to have a good Christmas so I made Christmas decorations out of whatever was in the motel room and we listened to Christmas music on the radio. I made a tree out of wire hangers covered in garbage bags.”

Ryan smiles and rubs her arm. “It was the best Christmas I’d ever had.”

His mom draws in a shaky breath. “It was the first one where we didn’t have to sit around, waiting for things to turn into a nightmare.”

Scott releases him and he presses up behind both Ryan and his mom, sliding one arm around each of them and kisses his mom’s cheek. “You’re amazing and it’s fantastic that you love Ryan so much that you tried to give him a good Christmas despite everything you’d gone through.”

His mom smiles softly and presses her face to Scott’s chest. “Thanks, sweetheart.”

Ryan’s still staring down at the toilet paper angel, remembering how worried he’d been that his dad would destroy it when he got into his next rage—only for his mom to remind him that they’d never have to suffer through his rage ever again. It had taken Ryan years to stop scanning crowds of strangers for the one face he was terrified to see and to stop flinching every time somebody touched him.

Scott rubs his side and kisses his cheek. “And you’re amazing too,” Scott tells him. “After everything you’ve been through, nobody would blame you if you only had the energy to take care of yourself, but you take care of everybody around you too. You gotta know that most people couldn’t do that.”

Ryan smiles softly and gently knocks his head against Scott’s. “Thanks.”

Taking care of other people has always made Ryan feel good. Rather than exhaust him, making his loved ones feel safe and happy energizes him and makes him feel whole.

His mom draws in a deep breath and hands the angel to Ryan. “Do you wanna do the honors, honey?”

“Sure.” Gently taking the angel from her, he heads to the tree. Leaning up, he carefully slides the toilet paper roll in the center of the angel around the branch at the very top.

When he steps back, Ryan stares up at it. As it always has, seeing the little angel smiling down on him makes him feel safe and reminds him that his Christmas will contain nothing but love.

“It looks great,” Scott says.

Ryan snorts and shoots him a smile. “No, it doesn’t. But what it symbolizes feels great and that’s all I care about.”

Going back to the table, Ryan glances at Scott. “The rest of the ornaments can go wherever you want.”

Scott picks up a handful of colorful balls and goes to the tree, sliding each one onto their own branch, nestling them amongst the soft, green needles. He has a sad smile on his face and Ryan knows what he’s thinking.

Coming up behind him, Ryan wraps his arms around him. “Your parents are right here, celebrating Christmas with us. They’re looking down and I know they’re proud of you,” he whispers.

Scott draws in a shaky breath. “I haven’t decorated a tree since they died.”

“You don’t have to do this if it’s too hard.”

“No, I wanna make new memories. It’s time.”

Kissing Scott’s neck, Ryan smiles. “I’m proud of you.”

Wanting to stay close to Scott, Ryan sticks to his side as they go back and forth between the table and the trees, picking up ornaments and joining his mom as they decide where to hang different decorations while the sound of ‘Jingle Bells’ plays around them.

They’re both feeling a little vulnerable and his mom keeps up a steady stream of conversation, which is a nice distraction.

By the time he and Scott have finished stringing lights around the tree and his mom plugs them in, Scott’s smile looks better and Ryan’s feeling better too.

All three of them step back from the tree and Ryan puts his arms around his mom and Scott as they look at the tree. The decorations have turned the green tree into a colorful rainbow as the little lights twinkle all over it.

“Well, I think it looks good,” Ryan declares.

His mom nods. “I agree. Scotty?”

“I like it too. Good job, team.”

His mom chuckles. “Alright, let me check on the turkey and Ryan can get the cards set up.”

They pass the next few hours playing card games, using little candy canes as prizes. The card games are ones they often play together and Scott doesn’t give any sign that he’s uncomfortable. He’s sitting across from Ryan and throws his socked feet onto Ryan’s lap while they play and Ryan reaches down whenever he has a free hand to rub Scott’s feet, which always makes him smile.

As usual, his mom has more card luck than they do and ends up winning a nice pile of candy canes. She spends half the time with a candy cane stuck in her mouth, rolling her eyes at Ryan whenever he jokes that she’s ruining her appetite.

When the turkey’s done, they set the table and sit down to eat, polishing off plate after plate of delicious food. His mom had deliberately set a bottle of mayonnaise in front of Scott without him even having to ask, which is hilarious.

After eating, they clean up the kitchen and sit in the living room to do presents. Ryan’s glad they’ve been doing presents as a threesome for years and the experience isn’t stressful for Scott. As usual, they wait for his mom to open her gifts first, then take turns opening their own.

Once the presents are done, Ryan stretches out on the couch and discreetly nudges Scott with his feet, raising an eyebrow on him. He doesn’t want to make Scott uncomfortable, but he really wants to cuddle with him. “You lonely over there? Cause I’m kinda lonely over here.”

Scott chuckles. “You sure you want me sprawled out on top of you after you ate all that food?”

Ryan laughs. “Just don’t jab your elbow into my gut and I’ll be fine.”

Scott looks hesitant and he keeps glancing at his mom. Seeing that he’s torn about it, Ryan’s about to re-arrange himself and slide up next to him, when his mom pulls a blanket off the back of the recliner she’s on and brings it over to them.

“Scott, honey, you can put this on and cuddle up with Ryan. I don’t want you two getting cold when we’re sitting here. Or I can get you another blanket if you’re not in the sharing spirit.”

Ryan smiles at Scott, knowing his mom has understood Scott’s silent dilemma and is giving him an easy option, while also telling him that she’d be fine with him cuddling with Ryan.

Scott presses his lips together, looking back and forth between them before he seems to gather up his courage and he’s getting up to grab the blanket from her. “Thanks, Claire. I guess I can share with Ryan. It’s Christmas, so I’m willing to make some sacrifices.”

His mom and Ryan both laugh as Scott sits back on the couch and slides between Ryan’s spread legs, lying back against Ryan’s chest and shaking the blanket over them.

Ryan nuzzles his hair and wraps his arms around Scott while he tucks the blanket over them. While his mom goes into the kitchen to refill her wine glass, Scott sighs. It’s his happy sigh.

“Comfortable?” Ryan whispers into his ear.

Scott nods. “Yeah. Well…” Scott turns his head and there’s a bit of a smirk on his lips. “Feel free to re-arrange your hands. Not…not the usual way, but just a little…different.”

Grinning, Ryan understands what he’s saying. There’s no way he’d be comfortable wrapping his hand around Scott’s throat in front of his mom, who wouldn’t understand the dynamics behind it and wouldn’t be comfortable seeing that. But Ryan also doesn’t want to touch Scott’s cock because Scott might start floating if he relaxes too much and he doesn’t want his mom catching on.

But he can compromise. Fluffing up the blanket from underneath, Ryan creates hills and valleys in it so it’ll hide what his hands are doing underneath. Running one hand down Scott’s chest, Ryan deliberately avoids his cock but curls his hand around the inside Scott’s right thigh. He’s far enough from Scott’s cock that there won’t be any problems, but his grip isn’t light.

Scott lets out a little breath and spreads his legs a little more and slumps against Ryan.

“You okay?” Ryan whispers.

“Oh, yeah. I like that. It’s not…it’s not the same, but I don’t want it to be.”

Having such a firm grip on Scott’s leg and keeping his other arm around his chest is making Ryan’s adrenaline spike, but he keeps breathing and calms himself down.

His mom comes back with her wine and settles in her recliner as all three of them stare at the twinkling lights on the Christmas tree and ‘Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas’ is playing on the radio.

“Hmm, the tree really does look good this year,” his mum muses, sipping her wine.

Ryan nods. “Yeah. I think it was Scotty’s influence.”

Scott snorts and snuggles back against his chest. “Yeah, clearly I missed my calling in life. Should’ve been a professional Christmas tree decorator.”

“Oh, honey, that’s no good. Too seasonal,” his mom points out. “You should go for general tree decorating and you can work for all those rich people who pay decorators outrageous amounts to do ridiculous things to their homes.”

Scott laughs. “Damn. I wonder if I can still do a career change.”

“You aren’t deserting me, Jenkins,” Ryan tells him.

“I’d wait until we closed the stupid Landers case, I promise.”

Ryan laughs. The case is nothing but a pile of misery, involving family members who are all more interested in saving their own skins rather than finding out who killed the elderly patriarch of the family and they have no problem lying through their teeth in order to throw each other under the bus. The case has been a nightmare since the start and Ryan can’t wait to close it and get away from it until it’s time to go to trial.

“You can still consult, Scotty,” his mom points out, smirking.

“Mom, quit encouraging him. He’s stuck with me until we retire.”

Scott laughs. “You just don’t wanna see me realize my dreams of being a tree decorator for rich people, Harris.”

“I know. I’m just naturally selfish and cruel.”

His mom and Scott both laugh. “That’s definitely you, honey. Not an empathetic bone in your body.”

Scott slides his hand around underneath the blanket and covers Ryan’s hand that’s gripping his thigh and squeezes it. “Yup. Terrible human being, that’s you all around.”

Ryan chuckles in his ear. “Can’t hide anything from you two, can I?”

If they would have joked around about this a few weeks ago, Ryan would have felt very differently about it. But he’s back to fully trusting himself and he knows exactly who he is and what kind of a person he’ll always be.

They spend the next few hours chatting and sharing Christmas memories from years gone by. Ryan and his mom stick to discussing Christmases that had taken place after Ryan’s ninth birthday, and Scott sticks to discussing ones from before he’d turned 19.

It’s a wonderful end to a wonderful day. Ryan’s comfortable and feels great, surrounded by the two people he loves the most. Scott is fully relaxed and even when he’s sharing memories of past Christmases, he seems to be doing okay. His mom is smiling the entire time and Ryan knows she’s happy to have both of her boys in her home, celebrating a holiday that she loves.


	35. Chapter 35

Following his fantastic Christmas, Scott’s mood stays good for days afterwards. Despite his anxiety having made the start of Christmas Day a little rough, Ryan’s company and Claire’s kindness had helped him calm down and he’d had a wonderful time.

It makes Scott want to do something extra special for Ryan. Taking care of Scott is as enjoyable for Ryan as it is appreciated by Scott, but there’s something that Scott’s been keeping in the back of his mind: Ryan had made several references to enjoying the idea of Scott wearing a day collar.

It’s still not something that Scott thinks will make much of an impact on him, but the thought that Ryan’s really attracted to this idea is too delicious to ignore. Since wearing a day collar wouldn’t have a negative impact on him, he sees no reason not to give Ryan this gift.

He decides to bring it up a few days after Christmas, while they’re eating dinner. When he’s done eating, he pushes his plate back but doesn’t get up to put it into the dishwasher. “Harris?”

“Hmm?” Ryan mumbles around a mouthful of food.

“I’m thinking I wanna get you another Christmas present. It’ll be belated, but better late than never.”

Ryan frowns and swallows. “You don’t have to get me another present.”

Scott grins. “I know, but I wanna.”

“Okay…”

“Aren’t you gonna ask me what I’m gonna get you?”

Ryan narrows his eyes at him and leans back in his chair. “You’re looking way too smug, Jenkins. I think this present is sex related.”

Scott’s grin gets bigger. “Kinda.”

“Kinda?” Ryan stares at him, thinking. Finally, understanding dawns on his face. “It’s BDSM related, but not directly sex related.”

“Correct, Detective Harris.”

Putting his cutlery down, Ryan narrows his eyes at him again. “Does it have something to do with your collar?”

“Kinda.”

“You wanna change the padlock? You don’t have to turn that into a present, Scotty. You just buy whatever you want and tell me you’re changing it.”

Scott smiles. “You’re on the right track, but you’re also not.”

“Then you have to give me more clues cause I have no idea.”

“I wanna get a day collar.”

Ryan’s eyes widen and he freezes, which makes Scott laugh. Gaping at him, Ryan seems to have lost the ability to talk.

“Brain turn to mush, Harris?” Scott chuckles at him. “Oh, this is gonna be good. Good job, me.”

Ryan’s eyes darken and his breathing’s picked up speed as he stares at him. “You really want a day collar?”

Scott shrugs. “I don’t really care. But you definitely do.”

Managing to blink, Ryan takes a deep breath. “I don’t want you wearing a day collar just for me.”

“It wouldn’t make me uncomfortable. Honestly, I think it won’t make much difference to me. But you like the idea of your sub wearing a day collar, so I wanna do it for you.”

Ryan presses his lips together, his eyes still wide. “I’d really like that.”

Scott grins. “Just remember that you aren’t allowed to throw me on my desk and fuck me at work. It’s just not professional. Plus, other people would get jealous. Not sure who they’d be more jealous of—you or me, but it would create an unhappy working environment.”

That makes Ryan roll his eyes. “I can restrain myself.”

Scott laughs. “We’ll see.”

* * *

Because Ryan’s so excited about it, Scott pulls him down on the couch with his laptop and searches for day collars. Unfortunately, most of the collars he sees are tight leather chokers, which isn’t what he wants at all.

Ryan sees the look on his face and he grabs the computer from him. “Picky people have to narrow down their search results manually. What kind of day collar do you want?”

“Not one of those,” Scott says, gesturing at the leather collars with distaste.

Chuckling, Ryan rolls his eyes. “Yeah, I got that. You want a metallic chain necklace?”

“Uh huh. And a padlock.”

Ryan chuckles. “You want a mini version of your real collar?”

Scott grins. “Yeah.” Then he frowns. “But I wanna be able to hide it under my shirt and I don’t want a bulky one.”

“We can do that…hang on…okay, here we go. How do you like these?”

The page Ryan shows him is filled with beautiful chain necklaces. They don’t look any different from silver colored chain necklaces that a lot of people wear, except they all have small padlocks in place of a normal clasp. Grinning, Scott nods. “Yeah, that’s perfect.”

“Alright, pick the one you want.”

Scott shakes his head. “Nope, this is your Christmas present. You choose. I’m fine with any of these ones.”

Ryan gives him a long look, but his eyes are heated. “You sure?” His voice sounds a bit rough.

Scott grins at him. “Definitely. Pick whatever you want and I’ll be proud to wear it.”

Pulling the computer closer to himself, Ryan scrolls through the page, frowning in concentration. Suddenly, he lets out a laugh. “Check this one out.”

Scott looks at the one Ryan’s clicked on and he smiles as soon as he sees it, knowing why Ryan laughed. The little silver padlock has the jewelry company’s logo on it, a big black ‘R’ with a black circle around it.

Ryan’s still chuckling and he shakes his head. “Ironic, huh? That’s hilarious.” But he’s already scrolling past it, like the idea of that collar is ridiculous.

Scott…doesn’t think it’s ridiculous. “Wait, go back to that one.”

Glancing at him, Ryan freezes. “I wasn’t being serious.”

The idea of wearing a collar that has his dom’s name on it—even if it’s just the first letter—makes Scott’s stomach clench with excitement. It’s not something he thought he’d ever like, but when he grabs the computer from Ryan and goes back to that collar, he really likes how it looks. “I really like that one,” he whispers.

Ryan’s still staring at him. “Really?” He sounds hopeful, but cautious.

Scott can’t tear his eyes off it. “Yeah.”

Swallowing hard, Ryan takes a deep breath. “We gotta be practical cause we don’t work with idiots. They’re gonna know what the R stands for, they know I got my key tattoo and they’re gonna put the pieces together. You wouldn’t be okay with that.”

Shaking his head but still staring at the collar on the screen, Scott presses his lips together. “No, but if I keep the padlock flipped around, nobody’s gonna see the letter on it. I’m not gonna be walking up to people and shoving it in their faces. Nobody’s gonna notice.”

Ryan takes a shaky breath. “You really wanna wear a collar with my name on it?”

Managing to tear his eyes off the collar chain and the black ‘R’ engraved on the padlock, Scott stares at him. “Yeah, I do. But only if you’re okay with it. I don’t have to.”

“I’m really okay with that. There aren’t enough words in the English language to express how okay I am with that.”

Scott grins at him. “Looks like we found my day collar.”

* * *

Once the order is in and they’ve both calmed down, Ryan tells him they need to talk about how the day collar will be used. “I want this to be good for both of us, so we have to be on the same page.”

Scott nods. “I agree.”

Ryan gives him a long look. “I want the day collar to be something you’re in charge of. It belongs to you.”

That makes Scott shake his head. “It belongs to both of us. If you don’t want me wearing it, you just tell me. I want you to have equal say.”

“I…don’t wanna have equal say.”

Scott frowns at him. “Why?”

“Because this collar is different from your normal one. Your normal collar represents your desire to be physically submissive and I’ll respond to it as your dom. But if you’re wearing your day collar out in public, we can’t apply those same rules.” Ryan shoots him a grin. “I know you wouldn’t be opposed to me groping you in public, but people wouldn’t understand and I’d get in trouble.”

Scott laughs. “Damn it. Stupid people. But okay, I see your point. So the day collar is just going to represent our bond?”

“That’s what I’d like, yeah. You can wear it whenever you want, even if neither of us are in the mood to do stuff we usually do when you’re wearing your normal collar.”

Scott smiles softly, realizing the day collar will have an advantage that his normal collar doesn’t. “It can be my permanent collar, like your tattoo.”

Ryan grins and his eyes are glowing softly. “I like that.”

The idea of wearing a constant reminder that his bond with his dom is permanent is really appealing to him. He grins at Ryan. “I think this is gonna end up being a present for both of us.”

“I’m just hoping I won’t have a heart attack when I see you wearing it,” Ryan says, chuckling.

Scott laughs. “You better not! I want plenty of time to show myself off and you falling over dead within ten seconds is gonna wreck my plans.”

* * *

Wearing the day collar is fantastic and Scott’s never been more happy that his earlier predictions about it have been proven wrong. It pales in comparison to his heavy, thick collar chain, but it’s a joy to wear a collar all the time.

It’s a really nice ritual to kneel before Ryan right before they leave for work and have him take off the heavy collar and replace it with the day collar, and repeating the ritual once they get back home. They’ll eventually have days when neither of them want Scott wearing his normal collar and Scott will keep wearing his light day collar, no matter what happens. Even if Ryan’s mad at him or they’re annoyed with each other, Scott won’t have to ever lose his collar. Not only does Ryan wear the permanent reminder of their bond on his wrist, but now Scott’s wearing a permanent reminder around his neck.

The thought of never having to be without a collar again makes something deep inside of him settle, as if this was a piece that was missing from the puzzle that’s his life. He’s so glad he’d decided to ask Ryan about the day collar, since he hadn’t taken the time to think about what this would mean to him.

Not only does it feel nice, but Scott loves touching it. It’s so nice to reach up and brush his fingers over the small chain links and the small padlock keeping it locked shut. The best part is that the padlock has Ryan’s name on it, pressed against his skin. He can feel the engraved R when he’s rubbing it between his fingers and it always reminds him who his dom is. Choosing this specific collar had been a fantastic decision on Ryan’s—and his—part.

It reminds him that no matter what happens at work—whether a case doesn’t go anywhere, whether they make a stupid mistake, whether he and Ryan get snippy with each other when they’re tired—none of it changes the fact that Scott is Ryan’s sub for life.

Making everything even better is that he can feel the collar around his neck while also seeing the key tattoo on Ryan’s wrist as he’s sorting through papers or doing something else. It’s so damn poetic that Scott’s walking around, wearing a collar and a lock, and his dom is right next to him, with a key and Scott’s fingerprint tattooed on his wrist.

He also loves playing with the collar. He’s never regularly worn jewelry before and it’s really nice to fiddle with it when he’s thinking about something.

At first, he thinks he’ll keep the padlock by the back of his neck and hidden underneath his shirt, but halfway through the day, he realizes that won’t work for him. Touching the padlock and the engraved ‘R’ on it is just as wonderful as the rest of the collar.

Unfortunately, even if the chain itself wouldn’t attract attention—being a fairly normal looking chain that jewelry-wearing men would typically wear—the padlock certain does draw attention. Like with Ryan’s tattoo, there’s no hope in hiding it from their co-workers when Scott’s not even trying to be discreet.

Scott manages to restrain himself for about an hour when they get to work, but that’s when he finally gives in and pulls the collar around so he can rub the little metal padlock between his fingers as he skims over a report on his computer and occasionally tugs on the chain, reassuring himself that it’s locked shut.

“Hey, Jenkins!” A voice calls over from a few desks away.

Scott doesn’t take his eyes off the screen. “Yeah, Richards?”

“What’s with the girly lock on your new bling, huh? You somebody’s bitch now?”

Scott laughs and hears Ryan let out a strangled snort as he lowers his head over his keyboard to hide his laughter.

For the first time ever, Scott really wants to tell the truth and say that yes, he _is_ somebody’s bitch and he’s very happy about it. It’s literally a dream come true for him. But he’s pretty sure that’s a decision he’ll regret within minutes of saying it. Instead, he smirks at Richards and wiggles his eyebrows at him. “Yup, your daddy’s. Jealous?”

Richards makes a face and throws a pen at him, which Scott easily dodges. “That’s disgusting! What the fuck, man? I was just asking a question."

Ryan’s shaking as he tries to restrain his laughter.

Scott shoots him an amused grin, but then mock-glares at Richards. “You asked a rude question. If you ask nicely, I’ll give you a nice answer.”

Richards sighs. “Fine. What’s with the girly lock on the chain?”

“That’s still kinda rude—not to mention sexist—but I’ll let it pass.” Grabbing the padlock, Scott wiggles it. “This is what all the cool kids are wearing, Richards. You just aren’t hip enough to keep up with today’s trendy shit. You should get on that.”

He gets a few more questions about the chain, but he deflects all of the questions just like Ryan had done with his tattoo. Once his co-workers notice that he’s wearing the chain regularly, they’ll get over it.

* * *

Ryan thinks he’s going to die. The first half of the day is fine because he was worried about how Scott would react to wearing the day collar. But those fears are put to rest when Scott keeps fiddling with the collar with a small, content smile on his face.

And when Ryan allows himself to enjoy looking at the collar as much as Scott’s enjoying feeling it around his neck, arousal floods through him and he gets hard within minutes. Watching his sub sitting right across the desk from him, playing with the collar that Ryan locked around his neck and then looking down at the tattooed key with his sub’s fingerprint on his own wrist is incredibly hot. It’s a constant reminder that Scott entrusted the key to him and allowed Ryan to lock the collar around his neck. It doesn’t even matter that technically, his tattoo key doesn’t match the key to the particular collar Scott’s wearing right now.

He tries to focus on work but the more time goes by, the more impossible that becomes. When he realizes he’s been staring at his computer screen for ten minutes without seeing it, he knows he’s in trouble. The need to grab Scott and fuck him on his desk is overwhelming. His blood is boiling and all he can think when he looks at Scott is ‘mine, mine, mine’. He wants the entire department—the entire world—to know that Scott has given himself to Ryan and he belongs to Ryan and nobody else gets the privilege of taking care of him.

It’s a good sign that the possessive thoughts aren’t worrying him. He has enough control that he’s not actually going to embarrass himself or Scott, and Scott’s fine with Ryan’s possessive thoughts. It seems Ryan’s really put that stupid nightmare and his doubts behind him. He’s Scott’s dom and being possessive over him is something they both enjoy and need.

But in any case, the whole thing is embarrassing. He’d been so sure that he’d have better control over his thoughts than this. Breathing deeply, he tries calming down. There’s no doubt he’ll get accustomed to seeing Scott wearing the collar, but there’s no chance of that happening today.

When they have to go see Tech for something, he uses the excuse of bringing the case folder with him—despite them not really needing it—and uses it to cover his throbbing hard-on. Scott gives him a weird look when Ryan keeps the folder over his groin during the entire trip, but it takes all of his concentration to listen to what the Tech guy is telling them.

When they’re back to their desks, Scott leans over his desk, a worried frown on his face. “You okay?”

“I’m fine,” Ryan chokes out, arousal making him shake. To stop himself from grabbing Scott and throwing him on the desk, he clutches the edge of his desk instead.

Scott narrows his eyes at him and looks him up and down. Ryan knows he can’t see anything below Ryan’s waist, but Scott knows him too well because his frown changes to a smirk.

“Oh, you’re not fine. But luckily, I know exactly what the problem is and I have the perfect solution.” Casually hooking his finger in his collar, Scott tugs lightly on the chain and Ryan’s cock twitches and he lets out a quiet whimper.

Scott’s smirk grows even bigger and he glances at the clock. “You know, we’re basically done for the day. I’m gonna head home. You should give me a twenty minute head start.”

Ryan blinks rapidly. Twenty minutes?! He’s not gonna last that long. “I’m gonna die in about five minutes,” he hisses at Scott. He’s very, _very_ close to asking Scott violate one of their personal rules and begging him to let Ryan fuck him in the bathroom. Making matter worse, he can’t decide if he’s more desperate for Scott to grant him permission or deny him.

Raising his eyebrows at him, Scott chuckles and rubs the padlock between his fingers because he’s an asshole. “Well, I hope you don’t die in five minutes cause I’m gonna need my dom’s cock inside me in twenty minutes,” he whispers. Then the jerk winks at him. “That is...if my dom’s in the mood to fuck his sub all night. If not, I have other cocks I can entertain myself with.”

Closing his eyes, Ryan presses his lips together and tries to breathe. “I’ve been in the mood all fucking day so those other cocks are gonna have to wait. But why the fuck do you need twenty fucking minutes?” He growls, struggling to keep his voice low.

“Oh, you’re gonna appreciate those twenty minutes when you get home, trust me.”

Ryan’s only response is a whimper and he presses the heel of his hand against his aching cock.

“Harris, listen.”

“Hmm.”

“Look at me. This is important.”

Taking a deep breath, Ryan stares at Scott, who seems to have found some mercy in his soul because he’s not touching the collar. “What?”

“When you come in, you have to remember to lock the door. Are you gonna remember that?”

Ryan glares at him. “When the fuck have I ever forgotten to lock the door?!” He hisses.

Scott’s looking at him very seriously and there’s a hint of worry in his eyes, which serves as a bucket of cold water thrown over Ryan’s head. Just a little bucket, but it tempers his arousal a bit.

“Because you’re gonna be really distracted when you step through the door but you know I have a thing about people coming in.”

“You can just remind me to lock the door.”

Scott’s smirk returns. “Oh, I’m not gonna be in any condition to remind you about anything when you come in.” Then he grows serious again. “Seriously, I’m not even gonna remember the door exists by that point. Please, please, please remember to lock it. Okay?”

Seeing Scott’s worry helps push some of Ryan’s arousal back even more. “I will, I promise. I won’t even look around, I’ll come in and lock it behind me. You want me doing anything else?”

Scott thinks for a second. “Come in, lock the door, then go straight into the bedroom and put your gun away and take off your clothes. Then you can come into the play room. Everything’s gonna be ready, I promise. But you gotta ignore any sounds you’re hearing until you come into the play room. Can you do that?”

The mental image that’s appearing in his head is almost enough for him to come in his pants. Taking a deep breath, he manages to nod. “Yeah. Lock the door, put gun away, get rid of clothes, find you. In that order.”

Giving Ryan a small smile, Scott touches his collar again. “Good. See you in twenty minutes. And I mean twenty—you’re gonna be shooting yourself in the foot if you come home even a minute earlier. I need those twenty minutes. It’s for your own good.”

Drawing in a shaky breath, Ryan nods. “Twenty minutes, got it.”

Turning off his computer, Scott stands up and pulls on his jacket, adjusting it over his gun in its holster. “Okay, see you soon,” he says, his voice light as he sweeps past Ryan, but he does wink at him as he walks by.

Ryan stares at his computer screen and checks what time it is. Twenty minutes. He just has to wait twenty minutes and then he’ll have Scott all to himself for the rest of the day and the entire night.


	36. Chapter 36

It’s only through sheer will power that Ryan makes it through the twenty minutes and manages to drive home without getting himself killed.

His hand is shaking so badly that he nearly drops his keys before he gets the apartment door open, but once he’s inside, there’s no other thought in his head except ‘lock the door, lock the door, lock the door’. To make sure his arousal-clouded brain isn’t letting him screw up this huge responsibility, he flips the deadbolt multiple times and yanks the door to check that it’s really locked.

Once he’s satisfied, he heads straight for the bedroom, refusing to even look at the open play room door. His hands are already fumbling to take off his gun belt…when he hears some familiar sounds from the play room. The louder sound is a rhythmic whirring noise and the quieter one is Scott moaning.

Ryan’s hands go numb and he drops his gun belt as his cock twitches.

Scott’s getting fucked by the machine. His sub is probably sprawled out on the bed, getting leisurely fucked, a dildo opening him up, while he waits for his dom to fuck him.

“Fucking Christ,” Ryan breathes out. His cock throbs as heat races through him and he takes shaky breaths, forcing himself to bend down and pick up his dropped gun belt. With trembling hands, he gets into the bedroom and blinks hard at his gun while he double checks that the safety is still on before shoving it into the bedside table drawer, next to Scott’s.

It’s weird to see Scott’s gun lying in the drawer next to his while he can hear Scott let out an exaggerated loud moan from Ryan’s play room as he’s getting fucked by Ryan’s machine. It makes Ryan remember how this whole thing had started—Scott letting some asshole keep his gun after the asshole had allowed Scott to suck on it—and he’s left breathless at how privileged he is. How the hell did he get so lucky? How the fuck is it possible that he gets to have this every single day?

Scott lets out one of those little choked cries that means he’s slightly changed positions so the dildo is hitting his prostate.

Just the fact that Ryan knows that when he’s not even in the room with him brings his thoughts right back to his aching cock and adrenaline surges through him. He wants to get that other cock out of his sub right now and he needs to be the one fucking him. He doesn’t want any other cock fucking his sub tonight.

Shutting the bedside table drawer with shaking hands, Ryan yanks off his clothes and hurries to the play room, making it to the doorway before he’s frozen in place by what he’s seeing. Despite having known what he’d see, it’s a whole other thing to actually see it with his own eyes.

Scott’s sprawled out on the bed, his hands holding onto the chains that are dangling from the bedposts at the head of the bed, the wrist cuffs on his wrists. His legs are spread wide open, his feet planted on the bed and he’s wearing his ankle cuffs and thigh cuffs. The fuck machine is moving slowly, pumping a dildo in and out of Scott’s hole, his ass shiny with lube as Scott meets the slow thrusts.

Hurrying to the bed, Ryan spies the remote control by Scott’s hand and grabs it, turning off the machine and freezing the dildo’s movement.

Growling, Ryan’s barely aware of kicking off the locks on the machine’s wheels before he’s yanking it back, pulling the dildo out of his sub. Normally, he loves the sight of his sub getting fucked by the machine, but not tonight. Tonight, no other cock gets to touch his sub.

Scott whines softly, staring at him with shining, half-lidded eyes, a smile on his lips.

Crawling onto the bed between Scott’s legs, Ryan stares down at him. “You’ve been my good boy, huh? Getting your hole ready for your dom.”

Scott’s only response is to grin and nod at him. He’s not deep in subspace—which is good because otherwise Ryan would be concerned about Scott playing with the chains while Ryan wasn’t here—but it won’t take much to send him floating completely. Scott’s loose hole twitches and Ryan’s own cock aches in response, desperate to be inside him.

The bottle of lube is conveniently lying right by Scott’s ass—Jesus, he loves this man so much—and Ryan quickly lubes up his cock before he’s grabbing Scott’s legs in tight grips and sliding into his familiar, moist heat. They both groan when he slides home and Ryan’s clutching Scott’s thighs hard, staring down at Scott. “Your dom’s cock is the only one you’re gonna get tonight. No other cock gets to touch you tonight. You’re all mine.”

Scott whines happily, glowing.

Adrenaline is pumping through Ryan and the need to fuck his sub hard is making his blood simmer, but his eyes catch on his sub’s bare throat, and that’s not okay. Scott’s taken off the day collar and his regular collar is lying on the mattress next to him, Scott having refused to put it on because that’s his dom’s job. The padlock’s already open, ready for Ryan to lock it around his neck.

Staying buried inside Scott, Ryan leans over and grabs the collar. Lifting Scott’s head, he slides it behind his neck and slides the U-shaped bar of the metal padlock through the other end of the chain before snapping it shut and tugging on it hard with shaking hands, making Scott’s breath catch and his eyes flare with heat before dropping half-shut, sending him fully under.

Growling, Ryan bends over him, one hand gripping Scott’s hair and the other clutching the padlock. He’s careful not to pull on the collar too hard, but he knows his sub can feel him gripping it. His hips are moving, fucking Scott in short, deep thrusts as he rubs his face over Scott’s; breathing in his scent.

“You’re my good boy, aren’t you? Fuck, you have no idea how hard it was not to fuck you at work today. Watching you wearing my collar and playing with it, so happy that you’re my sub. Made me fucking crazy,” he mumbles against Scott’s cheek, yanking Scott’s head back and nuzzling his neck and the cool metal chain of the collar that his sub had allowed him to lock around his neck.

Scott lets out a happy moan and wraps his legs around Ryan’s waist.

“I wanted to tear your clothes off and fuck you right there, right on your desk. You’d have let me, wouldn’t you? You’d have been so happy to get fucked by your dom, letting everybody see that you’re mine. And everybody else would have been so fucking jealous because they don’t get to touch you. Only I do.”

A choked cry punches out of Scott’s throat and he’s staring at Ryan, a radiant smile on his face.

“You’re mine, aren’t you? You’re mine for life and nobody else get to touch you or fuck you or hear any of these amazing sounds you’re making. You’re never gonna wear anybody else’s collar,” he growls into Scott’s ear, tightening his grip in Scott’s hair and clutching the padlock, making Scott whine loudly.

“You’re never gonna want anybody else’s collar cause you’re never gonna need anybody else. Nobody else gets to take care of you, just me.”

Pressing his face to Scott’s, he stares at him, fucking him in quick, deep thrusts and gasping against his cheek as adrenaline, heat and arousal rush through him. “You belong to me, Scotty Jenkins. If anybody tries taking you away from me, I’m gonna fucking kill them. I don’t care who they are, I’m gonna kill them.”

Scott’s eyes drop shut and he nuzzles Ryan’s cheek, moaning happily.

Everything is so right about this. Every word Ryan’s saying and every sound Scott’s making are stoking that light burning in his soul and he knows they’re doing the same for Scott. He can’t believe he ever confused this with what his dad had done. The words may be the same, but nothing else is.

“We’re perfect together. This was our fucking destiny,” he whispers. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I’m gonna hold onto you for the rest of my life.”

Being buried inside his sub, feeling his warm skin beneath his lips and finally being able to say all the things he’s been wanting to say all day slowly help calm him down. Now that he’s in full control of his sub and he doesn’t have to worry about holding himself back, that intense fire in his blood gradually cools a bit.

Scott’s hands are still lying sprawled out, holding onto his beloved chains and that needs to be fixed. Ryan wants to chain up his sub properly and he knows that’s what his sub wants too. Luckily, his sub is a brilliant man who had done a great job prepping for this scene.

“I wanna get the chains on you. Get you chained up nice and tight. You’re not gonna move tonight unless I give you permission to. I’m gonna take good care of you.”

He hadn’t thought it was possible, but Scott’s smile gets brighter and he giggles and whines happily, his eyes shining. Ryan’s own lips curl into a smile to mirror Scott’s, his sub’s pure joy during scenes always so infectious.

Kissing Scott hard, Ryan releases his hair and the padlock. Moving carefully so his cock stays buried inside his sub—because pulling out isn’t an option he’s interested in—he pulls the chains out of Scott’s loose grips and clips them to the wrist cuffs, making sure they’re tight.

Glancing at the bedposts at the foot of the bed, Ryan grins when he sees two sets of chains dangling from each one, hooked at the exact right heights and on the exact right links. Brilliant Scotty Jenkins.

It’s hard to do while keeping his cock buried in Scott, but he’s done this so often now that Ryan manages to clip the chains to Scott’s ankle and thigh cuffs one by one, fully restraining him and making Scott moan happily.

Rubbing his hands over Scott’s restrained left leg, Ryan nuzzles his calf that’s hanging in mid-air and rubs the leather thigh cuff and ankle cuffs. “You’re my happy boy now, aren’t you? You love your chains and you love your dom.” He kisses Scott’s leg, gripping his leg hard. “My happy boy.”

Sliding one hand to Scott’s other leg, Ryan rubs the heels of his hands up Scott’s thighs all the way to his feet and back, nuzzling and kissing his chained up legs and the cuffs while he slowly fucks him and Scott groans and relaxes into the chains, his eyes falling shut. “You’re so damn gorgeous. Fuck, I still can’t believe it. You’re perfect. Absolutely fucking perfect.”

The dim light in the room is glinting off the chains keeping his sub restrained, as well as the one locked around his neck. Watching his sub be so relaxed while under his control makes his adrenaline spike again. Growling, Ryan slides his hands up Scott’s pelvis, skipping over his hard cock that’s leaking on his stomach and digging the heels of his hands in as he rubs over Scott’s chest and his nipples. Scott makes a little sound, but that’s not nearly good enough and Ryan grins as he grabs his nipples between his fingers, twisting and tugging on them.

Scott’s eyes fly open as he lets out a choked cry and arches his back up, pressing his nipples against Ryan’s hands.

Chuckling, Ryan bends down and nuzzles Scott’s face. “You love your dom playing with your slutty nipples huh? They’re not as slutty as your mouth or your ass, but they love having my fingers and tongue playing with them too, don’t they?”

Giggling, Scott’s trembling, his hands clutching the tight chains that are clipped to his wrists and his cock leaks steadily as Ryan twists and pinches and tugs on his sensitive, hard nipples.

Ryan’s hips have picked up the pace, fucking Scott in deeper thrusts, pumping in and out of Scott’s slick, twitching hole. Bending down, Ryan releases one of Scott’s nipples and sucks the small bud into his mouth, flicking his tongue against it, which makes Scott cry out, his face slack with pleasure.

Despite his sub already having lost awareness of the world around him, Ryan wants to make absolutely sure that Scott’s not thinking about anything other than the pleasure his dom is giving him. He wants to be the only thing in Scott’s world. Closing his teeth around the nipple between his lips, he gently scrapes his teeth over the sensitive bud.

Letting out a shout, Scott arches his back even more and his entire body strains against the chains, but Ryan barely has to adjust himself because the chains are tight and his sub won’t go anywhere if Ryan doesn’t want him to. Releasing the tight nipple from his mouth, he shifts to the other one and sucks it into his mouth, scraping his teeth over it while he flicks his fingers against the other wet, sensitized nipple.

Scott’s twisting and crying out, straining against the chains while still clutching them, his eyes closed and a bright smile on his face.

When Ryan’s finished sucking and nibbling on the other nipple too, he releases it and flicks it hard with his fingers, alternating his flicks between the nipples and watching his sub basking in the pleasure that Ryan’s giving him while completely under Ryan’s control. “You’re amazing, Scotty. I can’t believe I get to have this for the rest of my life,” he whispers, staring down at him in awe as he slowly thrusts into him.

Stopping the flicking, Ryan switches back to pinching the nipples, alternating his pinches back and forth between them. But when his sub’s hole clenches tightly around his cock, Ryan decides it’s time to give them both what they’ve been waiting for all day: giving his sub a hard fucking and filling him up with his cum.

Releasing Scott’s nipples, Ryan sits up and clutches Scott’s legs tightly. “Time to give your greedy hole the kind of fucking it’s been desperate for all day. Your hole was twitching all day at work, wasn’t it? Your slutty, greedy hole was so desperate for your dom’s cock, you would have dropped your pants and spread yourself out on your desk if I gave you permission, wouldn’t you?”

Scott whines happily and his eyes open a sliver as he nods eagerly, staring down at Ryan while shaking all over.

Grinning at him, Ryan wraps his arms around Scott’s restrained legs and starts fucking him in deep, hard thrusts, smacking against Scott’s ass and sending his arousal sky-rocketing.

Staring at Scott, Ryan fucks him hard, filling his sub with his cock. “Fuck, I’ve been waiting for this all damn day,” he gasps out.

Moaning loudly, Scott’s smiling, clutching the chains and his tight, red nipples shining with Ryan’s spit.

When Ryan’s getting close, he releases his grip on Scott’s legs and bends over him, gripping his hair with one hand and the padlock of the collar with the other, nose to nose with him, gasping against each other’s lips.

“I love you, Scotty. You hear me? I love you so fucking much and I’m never gonna let anybody take you away from me. You’re wearing my collar and nobody’s ever gonna take it away from you. I won’t let them.”

Scott’s eyes are shining as he stares at Ryan and Ryan kisses him hard before releasing the padlock and showing his tattooed wrist to Scott, whose eyes light up when he sees it.

Ryan grins at his happiness and keeps their faces pressed together while Scott nuzzles the tattoo and Ryan changes the angle of his thrusts to brush over Scott’s prostate. “I want you to come. Show me what a good boy you are and then I’m gonna give you every drop of my cum.”

Predictably, Scott moans and his breath catches as his body tenses and within a few hard thrusts, Scott’s hole clenches around him and Ryan looks down to see Scott coming, strips of cum spurting over his stomach and chest.

Smiling, Ryan watching his sub’s cock and keeps fucking him. “Good boy, that’s my good boy. I’m so fucking proud of you. You ready for your dom’s cum? You want me to fill you up with my cum?”

Scott’s breathing hard, smiling up at him with half-lidded eyes. Letting out a giggle, he nods sluggishly.

Kissing him hard, Ryan keeps staring at him as he releases the last of his control and fucks him hard. As always, the thought of getting to come inside of his sub and fill him up with his cum is damn hot, but the thought that his sub desperately wants Ryan to come inside of him and loves him for it is a whole other level. With a low groan, he’s coming, pumping cum inside Scott and fucking him through his orgasm, his cock sliding through lube and his own cum. Pulling out before he’s finished, Ryan sits up and fists his cock, making the last few spurts of cum land on Scott’s ass and the back of his thighs while cum is already leaking out of his loose hole. Seeing his cum dripping out of his sub’s ass is something Ryan will never get tired of seeing.

Scott’s moaning happily and Ryan grins at him. “You loved that, didn’t you? You love having your dom come inside of you. You love it when I cover you in my cum, don’t you?”

At Scott’s sleepy nod and giggle, Ryan laughs and rubs his chained up leg with one hand, while he swipes up the cum on Scott’s ass and thighs and slides his fingers into his hole, putting the cum back where it belongs.

Looking around, he spies the aftercare plugs waiting on the bedside table. “Let’s get you plugged up. We don’t want this cum leaking out of you, do we? I gave it to you, it belongs to you and you get to keep every drop of it.”

Standing up on shaky legs, Ryan snags the plug from the table and covers it in lube before gently sliding it into Scott’s loose hole, plugging him back up.

Scott’s eyes have slid shut again and he’s completely relaxed, knowing that his dom will take care of him and he doesn’t have to worry about a thing. And that’s a very powerful feeling. “Let’s get you down and then you can rest for a while.”

Ryan carefully undoes the chains, leaving them dangling from the bedposts and leaving the cuffs on Scott. There’s a bottle of water and a moist cloth waiting on the table and Ryan wipes him clean and pulls Scott against his chest before taking a long drink of water.

By the time he’s put the bottle and cloth down, Scott’s already dozing, completely relaxed as he’s plastered on Ryan’s chest.

Kissing his forehead softly, Ryan wraps one arm around him and pulls the blanket off the rack next to the bed with the other. Tucking it around Scott, he tightly holds onto him, listening to Scott breathing quietly, his warm breath gusting over Ryan’s chest.

“I love you so much,” he whispers.

He thinks Scott’s already sleeping, but to his surprise, Scott shifts enough to lift a shaky hand. It takes Scott a minute to get his uncoordinated fingers to cooperate, but he manages to lift his thumb, index finger and pinky fingers, making the ASL sign for ‘I love you’.

Smiling, Ryan nuzzles his hair and rubs the back of his collar. “I know and you have no idea how good that makes me feel. Go to sleep for a bit and when you’ve come down, we’ll get working on dinner, okay?”


	37. Chapter 37

When Scott wakes up from his nap, he feels as refreshed and happy as he always does after a scene. Nuzzling Ryan’s chest, he yawns.

“Hey, Scotty. Welcome back to planet Earth,” Ryan mumbles, the words vibrating through his chest.

A water bottle appears in front of Scott’s face and he parts his lips, taking a few sips. When he’s done, he turns his face away and grins while the bottle disappears. “Oh, I know I’m back on planet Earth, but are you?”

Ryan chuckles and his arms tighten around him. “I got back a few minutes ago.”

Laughing, Scott reaches down to pull out the plug and pushes himself up on his elbows to grin down at Ryan. “My day collar really got you going, huh?”

To Scott’s delight, Ryan flushes a bit. “It…was a little distracting.”

Scott grins. “If that was you after you’re a ‘little’ distracted, I don’t know if I’d survive you being very distracted.”

Ryan laughs, but he still looks a bit embarrassed.

“Hey,” Scott says, grabbing his chin and forcing Ryan to look at him. “I loved every second of it. _Every_ second. You know I love it when you get possessive and deep into domspace. I love it that my dom is so crazy about me that he couldn’t stand seeing me get fucked by a dildo. When you came in and shoved the machine away and just slid right into me, I thought I was gonna have a heart attack, but in the best possible way. The whole thing was a dream come true.”

To Scott’s relief, a genuine smile lights up Ryan’s face and he rubs Scott’s back. “I loved it too.”

“Which is why we make a perfect pair.” Leaning down, Scott kisses Ryan, who eagerly parts his lips and deepens the kiss.

Making out with Ryan is wonderful, but Scott’s stomach is reminding him that they hadn’t eaten dinner. Pulling back from Ryan after one last kiss, Scott rubs his nose against Ryan’s. “What do you want for dinner?”

“I…”

Staring at Ryan, Scott waits for him to finish, but Ryan has an odd frown on his face and he’s staring at Scott very intently.

Raising his eyebrows, Scott grins down at him. “You what?”

Ryan presses his lips together. “I’m still feeling a bit…dommy.”

Scott laughs. “That’s not a real word, but let’s pretend that it is. Okay, so what do you wanna do about it?”

“I just had this idea that…it wouldn’t be sexual, but you said that...”

When Ryan falls silent again, Scott flicks him on the nose. This is the first time Ryan’s ever suggested continuing their dom-sub roles after a scene finished, which is something Scott thought would make him feel apprehensive, but he’s just excited. “I really wanna hear what you wanna say, Harris. Whatever you’re in the mood for, I promise I’m gonna like it.”

“You told me you don’t wanna do our dom-sub roles when we’re not doing a scene and I wanna respect that.”

Scott smiles softly. “That was when I didn’t fully trust you. I was scared of giving you that much power over me and I didn’t feel comfortable with it. I still wouldn’t be comfortable doing it 24/7, but if you wanna try something new, I’d love to try it too.”

Ryan stares at him, looking hopeful but worried. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. I know I can say no anytime and you wouldn’t get upset.”

“Of course not.”

Scott grins. “Okay then. See? We’re on the same page. So what did you wanna try doing?”

It takes Ryan a second to get going, but he doesn’t get very far. “I wanna make you dinner…”

And he falls silent again. In a weird reversal of their usual roles, it’s up to Scott to pull Ryan’s words out of him. “Okay…you make me dinner all the time. What do you wanna do differently?”

Ryan’s staring at him, his eyes huge. He looks excited and nervous but also very desperate. “I wanna cook you dinner while you kneel next to me.”

Scott’s breath catches and he’s flooded with an intense want. He nods frantically. “Okay. That’s—I want that too. I really want that too.”

Shifting his jaw, Ryan keeps looking at him intently, no doubt searching Scott’s face for any glimmer of hesitation. “Would you be okay being…naked?”

Desperate want sends shivers through Scott and he can barely breathe. His desire to be naked around Ryan while Ryan’s wearing clothes and doing ordinary things has never gone away, but with everything else that’s happened recently, Scott hasn’t had time to bring it up. “I’d be very okay with that.”

Ryan smiles. “Really? You’d be into that?”

Would he be into that?! Scott would give anything in the world to make this a reality. “A hundred percent. I...being naked while you’re dressed and doing normal things is something I’ve been thinking about for a while but I didn’t have the chance to bring it up. Trust me, I’m definitely on the same page.”

Ryan raises his eyebrows at him. “Would...you also be okay if I restrained you while you’re naked and kneeling next to me?”

Jesus. Whimpering, Scott nods frantically. He’s shaking, so desperate to make this a reality. It’s going to feel so good and so right. “Yeah, definitely.”

But there’s a frown slowly appearing on Ryan’s face, which cools some of Scott’s excitement. “What?”

“Since we don’t know how things are gonna go, we need to decide if we’d be okay if things end up being sexual. It’s fine if we wanna keep things platonic, but that’ll change how I respond to things.”

Scott chuckles. “I’m always okay with scenes getting sexual, you know that. Whatever direction you wanna take a scene in, you have my permission to do it. Now just now but always.”

Finally, Ryan’s smile is back. “Yeah?”

Scott grins in response. “Uh huh.” His excitement is flooding back and Scott’s almost vibrating. “So...can we start now?”

Ryan’s smile grows into a grin and his eyes are sparkling. “Absolutely.”

Climbing off Ryan and shoving the blanket off himself, Scott slides off the bed and kneels on the carpet, bowing his head and clasping his hands behind his back. Being in this position always makes him feel peaceful and despite his excitement, kneeling like this is calming him down.

“Jesus fucking…” There’s the sound of Ryan shifting on the bed and Ryan’s legs appear.

Running his hands through Scott’s hair, Ryan gradually tightens his grip and pulls Scott’s head up, staring down at him with huge eyes.

Trembling, Scott blinks up at him, already floating a bit again. Bending down, Ryan kisses him hard and wraps one hand around his throat, massaging the sides of his neck while Scott moans. Fuck, this is already amazing.

Releasing him, his dom straightens up, looking at him intently. “Stay there. I’m gonna get dressed, then we’re gonna go into the kitchen and you’re gonna kneel next to me and be my good boy while I make dinner.”

Smiling, Scott lets his head drop again. He can’t wait! He listens as his dom leaves the play room for a few minutes before returning, dressed in his favorite sweatpants and a loose shirt. To Scott’s surprise, his dom doesn’t come back to him right away but stops at one of the drawers, taking something out that Scott can’t see.

When he gets back to Scott, he smiles down at him. “Good boy. Get up, we’re going into the kitchen.”

It’s a little difficult getting his legs to cooperate, but his dom helps him stand and holds his hand as he leads him out to the kitchen. There’s a pillow lying on the floor next to the stove and Scott realizes his dom must have put it there for him to kneel on. It hadn’t even occurred to Scott that kneeling on the hard kitchen floor would be uncomfortable. He would have done it without question if his dom had asked him to, but his dom would never tolerate that. His dom had thought ahead and realized Scott might get uncomfortable and he’d decided to fix it ahead of time. And that’s one of the many, many reasons why Scott loves him so much.

His dom points at the pillow. “Kneel on that and sit back on your heels. Get comfortable cause you’re gonna be there for a while.”

Grinning, Scott melts down to his knees on the soft pillow and makes himself comfortable, putting his hands behind his back again.

His dom grabs his hair and pulls his head back, frowning down at him. “Comfortable? Be honest.”

Scott nods, smiling at him.

His dom stares at him intently for a second—probably to verify that Scott was being honest—before he holds up a handful of carabiners. “Let’s get you chained up. I’m gonna be cooking so I can’t hold you, but the clips will do it for me.”

Yes, they will! Scott can’t stop smiling as his dom bends down and clips his right wrist to his left ankle and his left wrist to his right ankle. As before, he also clips his wrists together. Lastly, he clips his ankle cuffs together too.

Tugging on his wrists, Scott feels the responding pull on his ankles and he can barely move them. Relief floods him and he wants to cry at how grateful he feels. The clips are holding him and protecting him and his dom had put them on him because he loves him and wants Scott to feel safe.

His dom lifts his chin and stares at him. “You feeling good?”

It’s getting harder to nod, but Scott manages, blinking up at his dom as he nods slowly, his lips curled into a smile.

His dom grins and kisses him softly on the forehead. “Good boy. You’re my happy boy, aren’t you?”

Oh, yes, he is!

Releasing his chin, his dom runs his hand through his hair and around his neck, rubbing his collar, his eyes shining. “My happy boy. My gorgeous, happy boy. You make me so happy, you know that?”

Nuzzling his dom’s arms, Scott sinks even further into his calm, peaceful place. It’s not the same place as when he’s having sex, but it reminds him of how he feels whenever his dom chains him up from head to toe. There’s nothing arousing about this, he just feels peaceful. Like he finally fits right in his body. No matter how happy he feels in the rest of his life, he can never achieve this same level of contentment as he can when he’s floating in this happy place.

“Okay, I’m gonna make us dinner. You be my good boy and kneel quietly.”

His dom releases him and takes a few steps to the refrigerator, pulling open the door. Taking out some ingredients, his dom moves around the kitchen, doing various things. Every few minutes, his dom tells him he’s being a good boy and how proud he is of him and he’ll often stop by to touch Scott and kiss him on the forehead.

Everything’s going great…until Scott hears a noise from the hallway outside. Somebody’s calling somebody’s name and there’s the sound of a door slamming shut.

It abruptly reminds Scott that they’re not in the safe play room. They’re in the kitchen and the front door is only steps away. That’s…a big, big problem. Anybody could come into the apartment! He’s restrained and helpless, hobbled on the floor! There are dozens of people who live in this apartment building and if any of them want to hurt him, they could come in and do it. The door’s right there!

From one second to the next, Scott’s tumbling out of his happy place and plummeting into a cold, terrifying darkness. Staring at the door, he’s shaking with fear and desperately yanking at his restraints, trying to free himself as his heart races. He needs to get free! He needs to be able to defend himself when they come in to hurt him!

Somebody touches his shoulder, sending a shiver of fear through him and he jerks away from the touch, trying to curl himself up, his forehead pressed to the cold kitchen floor. Are the people in the apartment already?! He didn’t see them come in, but he’s a stupid whore, so that’s not a surprise.

His heart pounds in his chest as he tries to curl up as much as he can, frantically yanking on the restraints keeping his hands bound to his feet. He can’t protect himself like this! Fuck, they’re gonna start hurting him any second and there’s nothing he can—

Abruptly, somebody grabs his chin and forces him to look up from the floor. Blinking, Scott finds himself staring up at his dom instead. His dom’s frowning and his lips are moving but there’s so much noise in Scott’s head that he can’t tell if his dom is actually saying something or not. That’s when reality slowly seeps back into his sluggish, terrified mind.

His dom’s here. That changes things.

But does it really?! What if his dom decides he doesn’t want him anymore and lets the others hurt him?! What if he takes off Scott’s collar and leaves him at the mercy of the others?! What if—

A hand tightly grips his hair and his arm, pulling him up to a sitting position and making all of his thoughts freeze.

“Scotty, I’m gonna ask you one more time and if you can’t respond, I’m taking the clips off. Do you wanna keep the clips on?”

Scott gapes up at him. Of course he wants them to stay! He never wants the chains to release him; they keep him safe. But…if somebody comes in then he can’t defend himself if he’s tied up! Oh, what a dilemma. What the fuck is he supposed to do?!

But in his panic, he forgets to answer his dom’s question and sure enough, the pressure on his wrists and ankles releases.

No, no, no! The chains are letting him go. They don’t want to protect him anymore. They don’t think he’s worthy of their love anymore. They—

Abruptly, a warm body presses up behind him and strong arms wrap around him. A hand curls around his throat, right above his collar, which feels wonderful. Even though the chains have abandoned him, his dom hasn’t. His dom still loves him, he’s holding Scott tight and allowing Scott to keep his collar.

His dom’s other hand hovers over his nose and mouth. It feels familiar, but Scott can’t remember why it feels familiar. His dom is saying something to him, but Scott can only hear jumbles of words because he’s still falling through the cold darkness filled with too much noise and it’s impossible to hear things properly.

Eventually, his dom’s hand leave his nose and mouth, which makes Scott panic even more. What if his dom’s other hand leaves his throat?! What if his dom pushes him away and lets the others hurt him because he doesn’t want him anymore? If that happens, Scott wouldn’t even care if all the people in the apartment attacked him because none of that would feel worse than knowing his dom doesn’t want him anymore.

His frantic thoughts keep whirling around in his head and Scott has no chance at defeating this raging inferno. This is how he’s going to die. He’s just going to stay locked up in this fire burning in his head and his dom will take off his collar and tell the others that they can do whatever they want to him because his dom’s bored of him and doesn’t want him anymo—

Suddenly, a warm hand curls over his cock, holding it just as firmly as the hand that’s wrapped around his throat.

Scott’s breath catches as everything changes. His thoughts abruptly grind to a halt. He’s no longer alone in this terrifying darkness that’s filled with people who want to hurt him. His dom is holding his throat and cock, protecting him from the darkness; from the people trying to hurt him.

His dom is wrapped all around him and his grip is so strong, so firm. Like he’s daring the people around them to hurt Scott. His dom won’t allow it. Scott belongs to his dom and nobody else. The proof is all here: Scott’s wearing his dom’s collar that’s locked around his neck, a strong metal chain with a strong metal lock that nobody can tear off; his dom is holding his throat and cock and his body is wrapped around Scott’s like a protective shield.

Scott’s heart calms and the jumbled noises that he’s been hearing in his right ear slowly morph into words he can understand.

“—never gonna let anybody hurt you. You belong to me and nobody else is allowed to touch you. If they even look at you, I’m gonna kill them. You hear me? I don’t care who they are, I’m gonna kill them. You’re my sub, you belong to me and nobody else gets to touch you or look at you. There’s nobody in here with us cause I would never let anybody else in here. This is my apartment where I keep my sub safe and nobody else is allowed to be around you.”

Smiling, relief rushes through Scott. He’d made a major miscalculation during his panic. He’d assumed that his dom would want to get rid of him and that he wouldn’t protect Scott, but that’s nonsense. His dom is holding him tight, wrapped around him and holding him just as securely as the beloved chains usually do, and Scott can also see the edge of the black tattoo on his dom’s wrist where he’s holding Scott’s cock.

That tattoo is the key to Scott’s collar. It’s nobody else’s collar because his dom put Scott’s fingerprint on it. His dom wouldn’t have done that if he wasn’t absolutely sure that he wanted to keep Scott for life. He’s going to protect and love Scott for the rest of his life. That’s the promise embedded in the tattoo, in his dom’s strong grip on him and the metal collar locked around his neck.

His dom has a tattoo with Scott’s fingerprint on it and he locked the precious collar around Scott’s neck. Those aren’t things his dom would do if he were tired of Scott. His dom doesn’t think he’s a stupid, worthless whore, that’s absolutely clear. He wouldn’t be holding him like this if he let other people into the apartment and didn’t want him anymore. And nobody could sneak into the apartment without his dom knowing. This is his dom’s apartment and everything in it belongs to him, including Scott. His dom will protect everything in this apartment because his dom loves everything in this apartment and thinks every thing in it is worthy of his protection, including Scott.

His dom is still whispering into his ear, his tone hard and filled with certainty. “I’d never let anybody into this apartment, Scotty. I’d never let anybody see or touch you because you’re _my_ sub. I’d never allow that. If they tried, I’d kill them. You hear me? And they all know that. They know that you belong to me and none of them are stupid enough to try to come in here and hurt you. You’re mine for life and everybody knows that. They know about my tattoo, they know that’s my collar locked around your neck and they know those things mean I chose you, you belong to me and they aren’t allowed to touch you.”

Slumping against his dom, Scott takes a deep, shaky breath. He’s no longer floating but his earlier panic has faded. Reaching up a trembling hand, he finds his dom’s face and touches his cheek, so grateful that this wonderful man has decided to keep Scott for life when nobody else has ever wanted to.

“Scotty? You back with me?”

Scott nods slowly.

“What do you need? We can stay here as long as you want, but if you need something else, you gotta tell me.”

The only thing Scott needs is for his dom to stay exactly where he is for a little while longer. Every minute that goes by with his dom wrapped around him like a protective shield is making him feel calmer, but he needs a little more time. Lifting his hand, he spells out ‘stay’ and ‘please’.

The hands around his cock and throat tighten a little bit and his dom kisses his shoulder. “We’re gonna stay as long as you want.”

* * *

Things had gone so well at first that it had taken Ryan a few seconds to notice Scott’s body language had changed. He’d just taken a pot out of the cupboard when he’d heard Scott whimper—and it hadn’t been one of his good whimpers.

Having shoved the pot onto the counter, he’d spun around and looked down at Scott, who had gone from smiling in slumped relaxation to being tense and shaking as he’d stared at the front door with wide eyes.

“Oh, shit,” Ryan had mumbled, having quickly put all the pieces together. They’d never done a scene in the kitchen before and they’d never restrained Scott outside of the play room. Together with their close proximity to the front door, Scott’s anxiety was using his past trauma to destroy the happy bubble they’d created.

He’d crouched in front of Scott, who’d continued staring at the door, with wide, scared eyes, his entire body trembling. “Scotty, it’s fine. The door’s locked, I promise. Nobody’s gonna come in. You want me to undo the clips?”

Scott hadn’t reacted to his words at all, which had sent a shiver of fear through Ryan. The last time Scott had gone through a hard subdrop had been during the blindfold fiasco and Ryan hated the thought that they’d stumbled into another bad situation.

Having known Scott probably couldn’t hear him, Ryan had crouched down in front of him and reached out to touch his shoulder. Physical contact was usually the only thing Scott responded to while deep in subspace or going through subdrop. Unfortunately, Ryan’s tentative touch had resulted in Scott flinching and whimpering as he’d tried to curl up, probably trying to protect himself from whoever he thought was about to hurt him.

Ryan’s heart had ached at Scott’s fear. Seeing Scott flinch had been bad enough, but seeing him flinch from Ryan attempting to touch him had been even worse. That ingrained fear and the association between physical touch and pain was something Ryan had spent years living with. He’d swallowed through the tightness of his throat, his hands shaking as he’d flashed back to the many years he’d spent cowering on a floor, terrified of being hurt by somebody who was supposed to love him. “Scotty, it’s okay, I promise. It’s just me. Nobody else is here. Do you want me to undo the clips?”

But when Scott hadn’t reacted to his words again, Ryan had given himself a hard mental shake. Come on, Harris! He’d sternly reminded himself that sitting here and getting upset over Scott’s pain wouldn’t help stop that pain. And Scott was clearly stuck, his anxiety keeping him trapped in whatever nightmare was playing out in his head.

There’s only one person who could help get Scott out of the hell he was stuck in, and that was Scott’s dom. That meant Ryan had to stop remembering that scared little boy he used to be and remember who he is today: Scott’s dom.

Taking a deep breath to steady himself, Ryan had briefly closed his eyes to push aside his own fear and he’d summoned the strength to do what his sub needed him to do. When he’d opened his eyes and stared down at his shaking sub, cowering on the floor, Ryan had felt ready to rush into battle and wage war against the demons in his sub’s head.

How dare anybody hurt his sub?! How dare these stupid thoughts slither into his sub’s head to hurt him when he’d been so happy?!

Standing up, Ryan had reached down and grabbed Scott’s arm with one hand and tangled his other hand into Scott’s hair, pulling Scott up to a sitting position. As he’d hoped, the physical contact and hint of pain had managed to cut through the haze of panic Scott had been stuck in, and Scott had finally made eye contact with him.

Once his sub had been looking at him, Ryan had started to speak, keeping his voice strong. He’d wanted his sub to feel how confident his dom was, even if Ryan had been shaking inside, terrified of making things worse. “Scotty, I’m gonna ask you one more time and if you can’t respond, I’m taking the clips off. Do you wanna keep the clips on?”

Scott had stared up at him, his eyes constantly darting over to the door as he kept making little distressed noises. When Scott hadn’t managed to answer him, Ryan had realized Scott was stuck way too deep for a little coaxing to work. It was time for the big guns.

Before anything else, Ryan had wanted to take the restraints off Scott as soon as possible. The clips left very little room for movement, which had been fine when Scott had been relaxed, but they’d become a danger when Scott had tensed up and started struggling. He’d known that Scott would interpret the removal of the clips badly, but distracting him usually worked.

As soon as the clips had released, Scott had let out a sob, sounding devastated. Not wanting his sub dwell on the thought that he’d been abandoned, Ryan had knelt behind Scott and wrapped his arms firmly around him, pulling his shaking, naked body against his chest.

“Everything’s fine, Scotty. I’m not gonna let anybody hurt you, I promise. I’m your dom and I’m gonna keep you safe. I’m not letting some stupid thoughts convince you that you’re not mine. I don’t care what that stupid voice says in your head. You belong to me and I’m never letting anybody take you away from me.”

When Scott hadn’t reacted to his words, Ryan had wrapped one hand around Scott’s throat. That had made Scott stop whimpering, but his breathing had still been shaky. Making his other hand hover over Scott’s nose and mouth, Ryan had pressed his lips against Scott’s ear. “I’m gonna count down from three. You’re gonna take a deep breath and you’re gonna hold it while I count down. You’re not gonna breathe until I tell you to. Take a deep breath.”

Unfortunately, Scott’s breathing hadn’t changed and Ryan had realized that Scott still couldn’t hear him. That had changed his mind about doing the breathing exercise. Doing it without Scott clearly consenting and cooperating wasn’t an option.

When he’d taken his hand off Scott’s face, Scott had let out another sob and slumped against Ryan, dejected as Ryan’s heart ached.

“I’m not leaving you, Scotty. I’m never gonna leave you. But we’re not doing the breathing exercise. We’re just gonna sit here and I’m gonna protect you from everything bad that’s in your head.”

Without having to think about it, Ryan had automatically slid his hand down to Scott’s soft cock, curling his hand around it in a firm grip.

His sub had reacted instantly, his breath catching. It had been the first big sign that Ryan was starting to reach him and a surge of adrenaline had raced through him. His sub was still scared, still desperate for his dom to protect him and keep him safe.

He’d tightened his arms around Scott, keeping a firm grip on his throat and cock, letting Scott feel that Ryan was here and would protect him. Anger at Scott’s anxiety and those assholes who had hurt Scott had sent an intense shiver through Ryan and he’d easily sunk into domspace, allowing his possessiveness over his sub to wash over him.

“I’m never gonna let anybody hurt you,” he’d growled into Scott’s ear. “You belong to me and nobody else is allowed to touch you. If they even look at you, I’m gonna kill them. You hear me? I don’t care who they are, I’m gonna kill them. You’re my sub, you belong to me and nobody else gets to touch you or look at you. There’s nobody in here with us cause I would never let anybody else in here. This is my apartment where I keep my sub safe and nobody else is allowed to be around you.”

Maybe the words hadn’t been helpful for Scott, but they’d kept that strong fire burning in Ryan’s gut as he’d kept a tight hold on his sub, letting him feel Ryan’s protection and leaving no doubt that Scott belonged to him and Ryan would never leave him or allow anybody to hurt him.

Gradually, Scott had relaxed against Ryan, his body going limp as his shaking had stopped and his breathing had calmed.

Ryan kept his grip firm, knowing how intently Scott was tracking the pressure and movement of Ryan’s hands on him. With adrenaline still racing through him, Ryan could have stayed there for hours. However long his sub needed him to protect him against the dark thoughts in his head, that’s how long Ryan was prepared to stay there.


	38. Chapter 38

As he leans against Ryan with his pulse thudding against Ryan’s fingers and the warmth of Ryan’s hands seeping into his skin, Scott’s heart settles and he comes back to himself. Eventually, he’s finally able to form words again, which means it’s time to say the words he’s been desperate to say for a while. “I’m sorry,” he whispers.

Ryan’s hands tighten. “Don’t start with any of that. You have nothing to apologize for. We went a little too far, too fast. We both got excited about trying this out and we forgot that being so close to the front door might cause problems.”

Frowning, Scott wonders how Ryan knows that the door was causing his anxiety. In fact, he remembers Ryan’s words—how he’d been reassuring Scott that he wouldn’t let anybody come in and if they did come in, he wouldn’t let them hurt Scott—but he doesn’t think he’d told Ryan any of that. At least, not in words. “How do you know what was making me panic? Was I talking?”

“Verbally? No. But the rest of you was talking loud and clear. I saw you glancing at the door and that’s when you started panicking. I know you had bad experiences with those assholes letting other people in when you were restrained and in subspace, and I put the pieces together.”

Scott sighs softly. Now that he’s not scared anymore, he’s annoyed with himself. “It’s so damn stupid. I know the door’s locked and I know you wouldn’t let anybody in.”

Ryan kisses his shoulder. “And if somebody managed to break in, I wouldn’t let them get near you. I don’t even care who they are—I’d shoot first and ask questions later.”

“I know and that should be good enough to make me feel better and it’s stupid that it’s not. I’m sorry for wrecking this whole thing.”

“You didn’t wreck anything. We both pushed a little too hard and too fast cause we got excited.”

Ryan falls silent, letting Scott stew in his annoyance again. It had felt so good being bound and kneeling next to Ryan. Then his stupid anxiety had to ruin the whole thing. But now what? Does he never get to experience that joy again because his stupid anxiety will shove him out of his happy floating place and into the bad floating place? Why the fuck does his anxiety keep winning?

“What do you wanna do?” Ryan asks him. “It’s up to you. We can stay here as long as you want. Or we can go to the couch or go to bed. I can order pizza. Or we can go for a drive. Whatever you want.”

Scott knows what he wants. He wants to beat his stupid anxiety and win this battle. There’s no hope of defeating his anxiety permanently, but he really wants to win this particular battle. He hates the idea of giving up. But there’s no way he can do it on his own—he’s proven that.

But he’s not on his own, is he? Ryan had waded into the battle when Scott was drowning in fear and he’d pulled Scott to safety. And Ryan had previously made it clear that he’s ready and willing to wage war on Scott’s anxiety.

“What—do you—can we—” Scott takes a deep breath, keeping hold of his words with an iron-clad grip. He needs to get these words out. “Would you wanna help me try again?”

“Of course I would, but we’d have to talk about it first.”

Relief floods him and he nods, Ryan’s hand on his throat moving with him. “Yeah.”

“When do you wanna try again?”

“Can we…can we do it now? Unless you wanna eat first or if you’re tired.”

Ryan’s hands tighten on his throat and cock. “Now’s good. We can talk about it and see if we can find a solution. If we can’t, we’ll shelf it for later.”

Thank God! Now that Scott knows Ryan’s willing to help him with this, his confidence returns and he rubs Ryan’s arms, the metal D-rings on the wrist cuffs glinting in the kitchen light. “Okay.”

“Do you wanna start slower and stay in the play room? You were fine when I left you in there before.”

Scott shakes his head, that annoyance coming back. “No, I know I’m fine with that. I don’t wanna give in so easily.”

Ryan sighs. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. You—”

“I wanna try. It felt so good until my anxiety got in the way and that’s stupid. I don’t care if you’re fine with it, but I’m not. I wanna do this. Please?”

After a beat, Ryan’s thumb rubs Scott’s throat. “Okay. But I have the right to end things if I’m not feeling good about it.”

Scott squeezes Ryan’s arms. “Of course, you do.”

“Okay, so let’s talk this through. What was your anxiety saying?”

“All sorts of stuff. You know how it gets—pulling together things that have nothing to do with each other and mushing them together. But the main thing it was nagging me about was other people coming into the apartment.”

“Anything about me?”

“No. Well, yes, at first. It tried convincing me that you’d change your mind and let the people in or you wouldn’t protect me if they got in. But then you wrapped your arms around me and held me like you’re doing now and I remembered your tattoo and my collar and I knew everything the anxiety said about you was bullshit.”

Ryan’s rubbing his nose against Scott’s temple and kisses his cheek. “You’re damn right that’s bullshit.”

Scott smiles and slumps gratefully against Ryan.

Ryan’s quiet for a moment, his thumb moving against Scott’s pulse. “But that wasn’t enough, was it?”

Making a face, Scott shakes his head. “No. I was still scared that they’d come in and take me away from you. I know it doesn’t make any sense cause I’m usually worried about people not wanting me in the first place, but…”

“It doesn’t have to make sense. As long as it’s scaring you, it’s bad and we gotta fix it. So it was worried I wouldn’t be able to keep you safe?”

“Please don’t be mad. I know that’s stupid and when I’m thinking clearly, I know that obviously, you could keep me safe. Well, when I’m thinking clearly then I know there aren’t a dozen assholes standing right outside your door, ready to just wander in here, but that’s the problem. Logic and subspace don’t mix well for me.”

Ryan kisses his shoulder. “I’m not mad. All of that makes sense. When you’re tied up and kneeling in the middle of the kitchen, it’s tough for you to remember that I’m right here. Plus, words aren’t enough for you when it comes to your anxiety.”

It’s not phrased as a question, which is surprising to Scott. He’s never thought about it before but Ryan’s right. His anxiety had refused to stop doubting Ryan’s desire to be with him until Ryan had gotten his tattoo. Ryan had reassured him a dozen times that he was happy and wanted to be with him permanently, but none of that had helped calm Scott’s fears. Maybe Ryan’s right and Scott’s the kind of person who needs solid, physical evidence in order to believe something.

“I guess so,” he mumbles. This new realization brings his earlier annoyance back. “Fuck, I don’t wanna make things even harder for you.”

“You’re not. Words are cheap, I get that. They’re enough for some people but not for others. Just because I like telling you that I’ll protect you and won’t let anybody hurt you doesn’t mean those words are all you need. There’s nothing wrong with that, we just have to be more creative. We have to figure out how to give you physical evidence that I won’t let anybody take you away from me.”

That gets Scott’s mind going. He’s thinking a little sluggishly, but Ryan’s support has given him the energy to tackle this problem head-on. “What we’re doing now is good, but that’s not the point, right? I wanna be okay if you’re not physically touching me. I want a reminder that nobody can take me away from you.”

Suddenly, the answer comes to Scott. It’s the same answer that’s helped him many times in the past and he grins. “Hey, Harris?”

“Hmm?”

“I think I got it.”

“Yeah? What?”

Scott’s grin fades a little when it occurs to him that Ryan might not be okay with Scott’s solution. But he’ll never find out if he doesn’t ask. Or in this case, he wants to show him. “Can I show you? And if you don’t like it, we can think up something else.”

“Sure. You tell me when you want me to move.”

This entire time, Ryan’s grip on his throat and cock has barely changed, which Scott’s grateful for. Having Ryan protecting him like this has made a huge difference and now Scott’s ready to stand on his own. Well, for a little while.

“Can we go into the play room? I need some equipment.”

Ryan shifts, releasing his throat and cock. They feel cold and weirdly exposed without Ryan warm hands on them and Scott clenches his jaw at how vulnerable it makes him feel. Instead of dwelling on that, he gets off the floor with Ryan’s help and holds his hand as he leads Ryan to the play room.

Scott heads right for the wardrobe and opens the large doors, his eyes catching on his wonderful metal chains. Reaching into the closet, Scott pulls out two chains. Individually, they won’t be long enough but maybe if he clips them together…?

Moving over to the set of drawers, he pulls open the drawer containing the carabiners. Pulling out one carabiner, he clips the end of one chain to the other, making one long chain that’s pooling on the ground. Now it’s time for the test to see how he feels about his solution.

Taking out another carabiner, he clips it to one end of the long chain and grabs the padlock of his collar and snaps the carabiner onto the U-shaped bar. A shiver runs through him when the metal carabiner clicks closed and the weight of the heavy chain pulls on the collar, making the chain links press into the back of his neck.

It makes him feel vulnerable and happy at the same time. It’s a scary thought that he’s purposefully attached a metal chain to his neck that somebody could use to drag him around or even kill him, but thankfully, he has somebody he trusts enough to hand the chain to.

Turning around, he stares at Ryan, whose eyes are huge as he gazes at the long metal chain hanging from Scott’s collar. Ryan doesn’t look freaked out or turned off, so some of Scott’s concerns are laid to rest. But he can’t tell if Ryan’s really onboard with this or not.

“So? What do you think?” he whispers. He’s shivering from the intensity of the chain hanging from his neck and the thought of giving his dom the chain to hold. But he doesn’t want to push Ryan.

Ryan swallows a few times before replying and he can’t seem to tear his eyes off the chain, his eyes running up and down the chain that’s hanging down Scott’s naked body and pooling on the floor.

“I’m…really liking this,” Ryan mumbles, his breathing getting faster.

Scott struggles not to chuckle with relief. It seems his dom likes seeing Scott wearing the chain leash. Judging by the bulge in his dom’s pants, it seems his dom likes seeing his sub wearing the chain leash a lot. Staring at Ryan’s groin, Scott’s mouth waters and he has to lock his knees to prevent himself from sliding to his knees and begging Ryan to let him suck his cock. This is supposed to be negotiating time, not sex time. Besides, if his dom’s ignoring his arousal, then Scott should help him by also ignoring it.

“So…what—how were you thinking of doing this?” Ryan asks, biting his lip as he keeps staring up and down Scott’s body, clearly having difficulty staying focused.

The thought of Ryan fucking his mouth while he’s holding the chain connected to Scott’s collar is really, really hot—but now isn’t the time for that. Now’s the time for discussing things and thinking clearly. “I was thinking you could hold the chain when I’m kneeling. It’s long enough that you could walk around me and you could cook or do whatever you want, but I’d always feel the chain being connected to you and I think that would remind me that you’re holding onto me. Nobody else is allowed to grab onto me cause you’re holding the chain and even if they try, you can yank me away from them.”

It’s a little silly, but Scott reasons that his brain is a little silly in general when he’s in subspace, so this might be a solution.

Ryan sucks in a sharp breath and blinks rapidly. “I can—yeah, I can do that. I’d like that. Would…so you’d be okay with that?”

Scott nods. “Yeah, I think so. It feels really good just wearing the chain like this and I know I’ll like it when you’re holding onto it.”

For a while, they both stand there, staring at each other. Scott knows they’re both dying to have Ryan holding the chain, but it seems his dom is still unsure about how Scott feels about this and doesn’t want to make the first move. That’s okay. Scott will do it for him.

Sinking to his knees on the carpet, he grabs handfuls of the heavy chains and wordlessly holds them up for Ryan.

His dom lets out a shaky breath and a soft whimper, as if he can’t believe what Scott’s offering him. In any other situation, Scott would be a little worried about the vulnerable position he’s putting himself into. Here he is: kneeling on the floor and holding out a chain that’s locked around his neck for somebody else to control. But because he’s holding the chain out for Ryan, there’s no trace of worry in his heart.

Ryan shifts and takes the chain is taken out of Scott’s hand. The chain swings, lightly tugging on his collar and as Ryan pulls the chain through his hands, it gradually tightens. When it’s taut, Ryan gently tugs on it, making Scott’s collar tighten around his neck and a surge of intense emotion races through him, making him gasp. His cock stiffens a little as low arousal hums through him, but he ignores it.

“You okay?” Ryan whispers.

Scott grins up at Ryan. “Yeah. It feels really good. I like knowing you’re holding onto me.”

Seeing his dom holding the chain in his hands is amazing. There’s nobody else he’d trust to hold onto this chain.

Ryan’s staring down at him with wide eyes. “Do you have any idea how amazing you are, Scotty?”

“If I’m amazing, it’s cause you’re amazing. If you would have told me a few months ago that one day I’d let somebody lock a chain around my neck and attach a chain leash to it when I’m not floating, I’d have called them crazy.”

Smiling, Ryan transfers the coiled chain to one hand and lightly runs his hand through Scott’s hair. There’s no doubt Ryan’s feeling’s as intensely about this as Scott is.

Eventually, Ryan takes a deep breath. “Okay, let’s talk this out some more. I love the idea of the leash and I know you do too. But I wanna make it clear what it represents. It’s not about control, okay? If I see any sign that you’re uncomfortable, I’ll unclip the chain.”

Scott nods. “I agree. It’s not control, it’s protection. You’re not trying to prevent me from getting away from you if I don’t wanna be here. But the leash is preventing other people from taking me away from you. It’s a signal to other people that I belong to you and you’re taking your promise to protect me seriously.”

The fact that there aren’t any ‘other people’ here and there never will be is irrelevant. Fuck, his anxiety is dumbass, but maybe this solution will have other benefits too.

Ryan’s hand shakes as he reaches out and lightly massages Scott’s head. “Exactly. So you think this’ll work?”

“I think so. The chain’s heavy enough that I can feel it tugging on my collar every time you move, so that’ll be a reminder that you’re still holding onto me, even when I can’t see you.”

A soft smile appears on Ryan’s face. “You wanna give it a test run in the kitchen?”

Scott’s thrilled that Ryan’s willing to give this a try so soon after their other disastrous attempt and he nods eagerly. “Yes, please.”

“Okay, but I won’t tie you up right away. We’ll give it a try and see how things go. Baby steps, alright?”

“Okay.”

“Stand up.”

Scott gets to his feet and clasps his hands behind his back, the chain swinging back and forth from his neck.

Ryan curls his fingers under Scott’s chin and leans over to kiss him, smiling against his lips. “Alright, let’s go try this.”

Releasing him, Ryan turns and walks towards the play room door and Scott follows along, the chain swaying between them. It’s a good thing they’re walking slowly because it seems neither of them can stop staring at the chain glinting in the light.

When they get back to the kitchen, Scott stops by his pillow and takes deep breaths to keep himself calm and firmly tells himself he’s gonna be fine.

“Kneel down. Keep your hands behind your back. Sit exactly like you did last time.”

Going down to his knees on the soft pillow, Scott makes himself comfortable. But this time, his beloved chains are swinging from his collar and keeping him connected to his dom. Once he’s settled, he keeps his head bowed but he can’t help glancing up at his dom’s strong hands, which are holding the thick metal chain that are connected to his collar. Nobody can hurt him now.

“You good, Scotty?”

Scott nods. “Yeah. It feels really good. Try walking around a bit.”

The chain swings and lightly tugs on the collar as his dom walks around him, sometimes stopping to stand close to him and other times walking further away and leaning against the kitchen counter for a beat before coming back to him. No matter where his dom goes, the chain follows him, staying connected to Scott even when he’s several feet away from him. This is amazing!

“Good boy. You’re being my good boy,” his dom murmurs. “Look at how great you’re doing. You’re my good boy.”

Grinning, Scott sighs softly. As his dom keeps walking around and stopping in random places, Scott stops following him with his eyes. He doesn’t need to watch him because he can tell from the motion of the chain exactly where his dom is and what he’s doing.

Sometimes his dom will leave the chain long enough that it swings between them, other times his dom pulls it tight enough that Scott’s collar presses into the back of his neck. It’s never tight enough to be painful or dangerous, but the different motions make Scott smile.

“You’re…you’re not touching me but I’m still…connected to you. I still belong to you, even when you’re not touching me,” Scott mumbles. It’s getting harder to talk and he’s floating a little, but it seems his dom had understood him because his dom’s hand runs through his hair, tightening and pulling his head back.

His dom’s grinning down at him. “I’m so proud of you. You’re doing so good and you’re amazing.”

Scott grins back up at him, his thoughts growing sluggish. Jesus, he loves his dom so much.

His dom leans down and kisses him hard, keeping a tight grip in his hair. “You’re starting to go under, huh? I wanna do a little test before you’re fully under, okay?”

Smiling up at him, Scott blinks at him, happy to do whatever his dom wants to do.

Releasing his hair, his dom grabs Scott’s chin and turns his face to look at the front door. At the same time, the chain around his neck tightens and Scott looks back and forth between the door and the tight chain that’s tightly clutched in his dom’s hand.

There must be a reason his dom wants him to look at the door, but the clinking of the chain and the tight pull of it are so wonderfully distracting. It’s much nicer to focus on those things rather than a silly door. Why does his dom want him to look at the stupid door?

“You feeling okay?”

Glancing up at his dom, Scott nods, smiling up at him.

His dom smiles down at him, chuckling softly. Then he sighs softly, not sounding very happy. “I’m sorry, but I have to do this. We gotta see where your boundaries are so I won’t accidentally sail right past them again, okay?”

Scott stares up at him. It feels so nice that his dom is holding a chain that’s connected to his collar. He loves his chains so much. He loves his dom too, so this is a perfect combination.

His dom sighs again and his smile disappears. “Scotty, look at the front door.”

He wants to keep staring at the chain and his dom holding it, but his dom turns his chin and forces him to look at the front door again as the chain tightens again.

“Are you worried about anybody coming through that door?”

The question stirs up a little anxiety in his gut, but Scott easily pushed it aside. If anybody did come in, they’d see right away that he belongs to his dom and no matter where his dom is at that moment, he could yank on the chain and keep Scott close to him.

Smiling, Scott shakes his head. There’s nothing to fear.

His dom tilts his chin up and his eyes are shining. “You’re not scared, are you? You’re my happy boy. You know I’m gonna protect you. Nobody’s gonna take you away from me when I’m holding the chain.” His dom turns his hand that’s holding the chain and Scott stares at the black key tattooed on the inside of his dom’s wrist.

“Everybody can see the chain and my tattoo and they know you belong to me. They know they’re not allowed to touch you, don’t they?”

Scott whines happily and cranes his chin forward, wanting to nuzzle his dom’s wonderful tattoo. His dom releases his hair and Scott smiles as he rubs his face over that tattoo, the chain swinging from his dom’s hand and tugging gently on his collar.

His dom draws in a shaky breath. “You ready for me to tie you up again?”

Oh, yes, please! The thought of being held securely by the chains again makes Scott’s body shiver with joy. Gazing up at his dom, he nods frantically, smiling.

His dom crouches down and grabs a handful of carabiners that are lying on the ground. But instead of sliding behind him to clip his hands together, his dom pauses and frowns at him.

“I think we have a little problem. I don’t wanna let go of the chain but I’m gonna need two hands to do things.”

Scott’s smile slides off his face. Little problem?! That’s not a little problem. That’s a huge problem! His dom can’t let go of the chain! He can’t—his world tilts, ready to send him crashing into the bad place…

…but his dom drops the carabiners and grabs his hair in a firm grip. At the same time, he yanks hard on the chain connected to Scott’s collar. The hard pulls send a thrill through Scott and his downward slide stops. His dom has control of him. Everything’s okay. His dom knows how important it is for him to keep hold of the chain and he’ll figure something out.

“I have a solution,” his dom tells him, which makes Scott smile again.

His dom holds up the chain. “I’m gonna clip the chain around my waist. Nobody can grab it and I’ll still be connected to you. I can hold the chain with my hands whenever I want but even when I need my hands to do things, you still belong to me.”

Scott’s smile grows bigger. Oh, his dom is such a smart man!

His dom stands up and wraps the chain around his waist, using one of the carabiners to clip the loop closed above the waistband of his pants. When his dom’s happy with the fit, he takes a few steps away from Scott until the chain is taut and tugs on his collar.

“See? No hands and it feels the same as before, doesn’t it?”

His dom’s holding out his hands, the black key tattoo on his wrist standing out against his pale skin and the light glinting off the chain around his waist. Even though his dom isn’t holding the chain with his hands, it’s still firmly connected to him and nobody can take Scott away from him. His dom is so, so smart!

Smiling, his dom comes close to him and runs both hands through his hair as the chain clinks between them. “My happy boy. I’m so proud of you.”

Leaning forward, Scott presses his face against his dom’s warm sweatpants, breathing in his scent. As he rubs his face over the soft pants, the chain tugs on his collar, gently swaying. Craning his face up, he stares at the metal chain glinting around his dom’s waist and he presses his forehead against the cool metal.

His dom’s breathing is shaky as his hands massaging Scott’s head, keeping Scott’s face pressed against him.

“My gorgeous, happy boy,” his dom murmurs.

When Scott shifts his face against the soft pants, he winds up closer to his dom’s cock and he smells his arousal. His dom isn’t as hard as he’d been in the play room, but his cock is still a little stiff, making Scott tense as his own cock responds.

He wants his dom’s cock in his mouth so badly. He wants his dom to fuck his mouth as he holds the chain that’s keeping Scott tied to him. Whining, Scott rubs his face against his dom’s cock. It twitches and stiffens as his dom lets out a groan and his grip in Scott’s hair tightens.

“Fuck, Scotty. You want your dom’s cock in your mouth, don’t you? You need it so bad.”

Whining again, Scott presses his face into his dom’s groin, opening his mouth and sucking on the thick fabric covering the hardness hidden beneath it. He wants to suck his dom’s cock so badly! Please, please, please.

His dom’s hands in his hair tighten and pull his head back, making Scott whine sadly. He wants his dom’s cock. He’s being so good and he definitely deserves it.

“Hush. I’m gonna fuck your mouth, but you gotta be patient. You gotta be my good boy first.”

Scott stares up at his dom and holds his breath, waiting to see what his dom wants him to do. If it’ll end with Scott being rewarded with his dom’s cock, he’ll do anything.

“We’re gonna get you tied up properly and if you’re still feeling good, then I’m gonna give you my cock.”

Scott’s forgotten all about the clips and another shiver runs through him. His dom is giving him one present after another today. Scott doesn’t deserve any of them, but his dom is so wonderful that he’s giving them to Scott anyway.

His dom releases his hair and bends down to pick up the carabiners from the floor. Walking around Scott, his dom disappears from his view, but that’s okay. Scott doesn’t turn his head to follow him. He doesn’t need to because the chain is shifting, tugging on his collar whenever his dom moves, letting him know when his dom is behind him and when he crouches down.

Eagerly bowing his head, Scott closes his eyes, smiling when his dom grabs his wrists and clips the four cuffs together, pressure pulling on his wrists and ankles with every clip that’s attached.

When his dom’s done, he comes back to stand in front of Scott, smiling down at him.

Oh, this feels even more amazing! His hands and ankles are being held by those loving, warm cuffs and the metal clips are holding them together so tight. The chain collar is wrapped around his neck, the heavy padlock keeping it locked shut and there’s the new chain, keeping Scott connected to his dom. None of these chains will ever break. They’ll never let him go. His dom put them on him because he trusts the chains to keep his sub safe. Scott loves the chains almost as much as he loves his dom.

His dom tangles one hand in Scott’s hair and pulls his head back, smiling down at him while his other hand tugs on the chain, making the collar tighten around his neck. Scott moans, his cock aching.

“You feeling good, huh? My happy boy. You’re not worried about anything, are you? There’s nothing to worry about. You know nobody’s gonna hurt you cause you belong to me. You’ve got your wonderful chains on and I’m in control of the chains so there’s nothing to worry about.”

Nodding, Scott gazes up at his dom, floating in his happy place and feeling so good. Life is perfect.

Well, there’s one way it could get even more perfect. Scott’s gaze drifts down to his dom’s cock, still hidden in his pants and his mouth waters as he shivers.

His dom chuckles and releases the chain to rub his cock through his pants, the chain swinging between them. “You want your reward, don’t you? Well, you’ve been such a good boy. Besides, I’m gonna come in my pants if I don’t do something soon and I’d much rather give you my cum.”

Grinning, Scott nods. His dom hadn’t asked him a question, but Scott wants to let him know that he’s fully on board with that plan. His dom giving him his cum is another gift that Scott loves so desperately. It’s another gift he doesn’t deserve, but his dom is so wonderful that he’ll give it to Scott anyway.

Keeping one hand in Scott’s hair, his dom shoves his pants down enough to free his hard cock, already leaking at the tip.

Moaning at the sight, Scott stares at it, shaking with want—but there’s a little patch of fear deep in his heart. That’s unusual. He doesn’t know why that dark fear is there and he has no idea when it started. That silly bit of fear isn’t connected to the chains or his dom and it’s annoying that he can’t remember why he feels a little scared. In any case, Scott knows having his dom’s cock in his mouth and getting his cum will make the fear disappear. Getting his dom’s cock and cum always makes his fears disappear.

His dom holds his cock and steps closer to Scott, tightening his grip on his hair as he keeps Scott’s head from moving.

“You need your dom’s cock so bad, don’t you? You’re still a little off, huh? I’ll give you my cock and my cum and that’ll help you feel better, won’t it?” His dom sounds a little sad, like he’s worried about that silly, dark fear that’s still simmering in the back of Scott’s mind, but that stops mattering when his dom guides his cock to Scott’s lips and slides the thick hardness into his mouth, stretching Scott’s lips and filling his mouth.

Letting his eyes slide shut, Scott relaxes, giving control over to his dom and the chains. His hands and ankles are being held in tight grips, his dom’s holding his head still and there’s the gentle swaying as the chain connected to his collar moves in time with his dom thrusting his cock into Scott’s mouth.

“Fuck, you look amazing,” his dom breathes out, his thrusts deepening but always stopping just short of slipping into his throat. Scott wouldn’t mind if his dom goes deeper, but his dom must have decided that he’s not going to fuck his throat today so that’s how things will be.

“You look so peaceful with your mouth full of cock. Naked and so fucking gorgeous, wearing my collar and this strong chain keeping you tied to me. You have no idea how hot it looks. While I’m fucking your mouth, the chain’s moving and fuck—you might get my cum sooner than planned.”

Having his dom fuck his mouth and being bound is as wonderful as it always is, but that silly fear is still stuck in the back of Scott’s mind and he can’t seem to shake it loose. He manages to ignore it while his dom groans and the taste of pre-cum fills Scott’s mouth, getting smeared around as his dom’s thick cock slides in and out of his mouth.

“Fuck, you’re doing so good. You’re amazing.”

Scott’s cock is throbbing and he can’t wait for his dom to come in his mouth.

“You’re being my good boy. My beautiful, happy boy. I wanna see you come. Let me see you come while I’m fucking your mouth.”

Relaxing, Scott lets the feel of his dom’s cock using his mouth push him closer to that edge. Along with his dom’s order, that’s usually enough for him to easily come…

…except he can’t.

That stupid fear is still hovering in the back of his mind and it’s enough of a distraction that Scott can’t…quite…let…go…

Squeezing his eyes shut, he tenses, letting out a distressed sound. This isn’t good! This isn’t good at all! His dom told him to come and that means he needs to come. His dom’s cock has stopped moving in his mouth, leaking steadily and there’s a little tug on the chain.

“Come on, Scotty. Lemme see you come. I wanna see you come.”

His legs twitch as Scott desperately tries to force himself to follow his dom’s order…but the harder he tries, the bigger that stupid fear grows, creating a bigger and bigger distraction. Oh, he’s being a bad boy! A very bad boy! His dom’s given him so many nice presents and this is how Scott repays him?! By being a stupid, bad boy?! Why is he such a worthless, stupid whore? Why does he always ruin everything?

Abruptly, his dom’s cock is pulled out of his mouth, which makes Scott tense with sadness. No, no, no! Now his dom is taking his cock away and then he’ll take the chain away and then he’ll take his collar away and then he’ll throw Scott out and—

The chain yanks hard on his collar and his head is pulled back as his dom’s grip in his hair tightens, making Scott’s thoughts grind to a halt.

“Scotty, open your eyes. Now.”

For a panicked second, Scott forgets how to open his eyes, but finally he manages to pry them open. He stares up at his dom, close to tears. He’s such a bad boy and now he’s disappointed his dom!

His dom bent over him, frowning down at him. “Everything’s okay and you’re being my good boy, okay? You want me to undo the clips?”

No, no, no! It’s bad enough that his dom’s cock has left him, but the clips too?! No, no, no, please, please, please. He frantically shakes his head, letting out a half sob, staring imploringly at his dom.

“Okay, the clips are gonna stay, I promise. Nobody’s taking any of the chains off, okay? And I’ve still got the chain attached to me, see?”

His dom jiggles the chain, making Scott look down to confirm that yes, he’s still attached to his dom. That makes him feel a little better and some of his panic fades.

“You were having trouble coming, huh? I think you’re still a little off cause of earlier.”

Scott can’t remember what happened earlier that might be making him be a bad boy now, but it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that he’s not following his dom’s orders and that’s not good. He drops his eyes, hating himself.

“Hey, hey, hey,” his dom says, lifting Scott’s chin and kissing him softly. “That’s okay.”

Scott stares at him, wanting to cry. No, it’s not okay! He was a bad boy and his dom wanted him to come and he didn’t. He’s getting further and further away from being able to do what his dom wanted and that’s never okay.

His dom’s grip on his chin tightens and the chain is yanked hard, making Scott’s thoughts freeze and his eyes dart to his dom’s.

“I change my mind,” his dom tells him. “I don’t want you to come. Not because you’ve been a bad boy but because I want you to come later. I wanna suck you off when we go to bed and I wanna taste every drop of your cum and that means I don’t want you coming now. That would be a waste. Can you do that for me? Can you be my good boy and not come?”

Relief floods him and Scott nods eagerly, the chain clinking. Yes, he can definitely do that! Oh, this is great! Now that his dom’s changed the order, Scott can be a good boy again.

His dom grins at him and kisses his forehead. “Good boy. See? You were being such a good boy this entire time. You knew I’d change my mind and that I’d be happier if you come later. You’re my wonderful, smart boy.”

Glowing, Scott grins, nodding happily.

Nuzzling their noses together, his dom smiles, looking very proud of him. That dark fear has completely disappeared. Fortunately, so has Scott’s arousal. That’s good because he doesn’t want to be turned on right now. His dom wants him to come later, so that’s what Scott will do.

“Let’s get started with dinner, okay?”

His dom stands up, but as he does, Scott’s eyes catch on his dom’s cock. It’s still hard, shiny from pre-cum and spit, and Scott’s mouth waters again, whining. Even though he can’t come until later, will his dom give him his cum now? Scott had been looking forward to it so much!

His dom tangles a hand in his hair and pulls his head back, smiling down at him. “You want your dom’s cum now? You can have it now or later. You want it now?”

Grinning, Scott nods, the chain swaying between them.

Without a word, his dom keeps smiling down at him as he holds Scott’s head in place and guides his cock back into Scott’s mouth.

Scott groans as the familiar thickness fills his mouth, his eyes dropping shut as he settles right back into bliss. This time, there’s no fear lingering in the back of his head as he relaxes against the chains holding his hands and feet, and the chain keeping him connected to his dom swings against his chest as his dom thrusts his cock into his mouth.

“My good boy. My good, happy boy. You’re amazing. Fuck, you look so beautiful, Scotty. My gorgeous, happy boy. Gonna give you all of my cum, I promise. Every last drop of it.”

The thrusting of the cock gets faster, his dom’s breathing gets choppier and eventually his dom’s grip in his hair tightens, the chain around his neck goes taut, pulling on his collar as his dom lets out a soft sound and cum floods Scott’s mouth.

Moaning, Scott shivers as his dom’s cum fills his mouth and runs down his throat, coating his mouth as his dom’s spurting cock keeps fucking his mouth. His dom’s pulling on his hair and the collar, keeping him firmly connected to him as he gives Scott his cum, the clips behind his back protecting his hands and feet. It feels amazing.

Eventually, his dom’s cock pulls out, but the chain around his neck stays tight. Even without opening his eyes, Scott isn’t worried that his dom is leaving him. He can feel his dom is still right here, still holding onto him tightly because he loves Scott and wants to keep him close.

“My good boy. You did so good. You look so fucking happy. Look at you; still floating, with your eyes closed and your face covered in my cum. You love the chain, don’t you?”

There’s a gentle tug on the chain, making Scott smile as he floats in his wonderful happy place where his dom keeps him safe; his dom’s sticky cum coating his mouth. The pressure in his hair gradually releases and his dom rubs his hair and warm lips kiss his forehead as the chain loosens a bit, lightly swaying on his collar.

His dom chuckles, sounding very happy. “You’re doing so good. You just keep floating and don’t worry about anything. I’m gonna make us dinner and then I’m gonna feed you. You be my good boy and relax. Let your dom take care of you.”

Smiling, Scott slumps a little as he relaxes against the restraints keeping his hands and feet bound. There’s no need to open his eyes because the chain lets him feel exactly where his dom is. His dom’s moving around, the chain shifting and tugging lightly on his collar as other sounds join in: running water, a knife chopping something, a metal lid being put on a pot, the gas stove igniting.

Scott knows they’re in the kitchen and that his dom is cooking dinner so he can feed Scott. He also knows that the front door is very close by, but that doesn’t matter. The sounds in the kitchen don’t matter, the front door doesn’t matter—nothing matters except for his dom moving around the kitchen and the chain keeping him connected to his dom. Those are the only two things that matter in Scott’s world.

He doesn’t have to worry about anything else because his dom will take care of everything. His dom will watch out for dangers and protect him. Scott doesn’t have to monitor his surroundings with his own eyes. He belongs to his dom and all he has to do is float and track the movement of the chain, which lets him know where his dom is. Life is wonderful.


	39. Chapter 39

Ryan can’t believe what a difference the chain leash makes for both of them. Holding a chain that’s connected to his sub’s collar is intense and makes him feel insanely powerful but also humbled by the responsibility that comes with it. It’s not the first time Ryan’s held Scott’s life in his hands, but having the physical representation of it in his hands makes it feel different.

Even when the chain is around his waist, he’s intensely aware of it being connected to his sub and he keeps glancing at the chain as he moves around, wanting to reassure himself that yes, Scott’s still attached to the other end, his sub is still safe and Ryan’s doing a good job protecting him.

It feels amazing.

But the difference the chain leash makes for Scott is even bigger than for Ryan. A little over an hour ago, Scott had been cowering on the kitchen floor, shaking with fear at the dark possibilities that lay behind the locked apartment door. It hadn’t mattered that the door was locked or that Ryan had never been more than a few feet from him. But now that Ryan’s physically connected to Scott through the chain, Scott’s completely relaxed.

Ryan pours a box of dry pasta into the boiling water and drops the empty box onto the counter before glancing over at Scott, who’s still slumped in his kneeling position on the pillow, completely naked, his hands and ankles bound, the lower part of his face covered in cum and his eyes closed in bliss. Scott’s just as vulnerable as he’d been an hour ago—if not more so due to the chain connected to his collar—but he’s as relaxed as if he were sleeping in bed.

Smiling, Ryan stares down at him, feeling awed at the entire situation. Being naked and bound while kneeling at his dom’s feet were things Ryan had known his sub would enjoy, but Ryan can’t believe that all of Scott’s earlier fears have disappeared with the simple addition of the chain keeping them connected.

Wrapping his hand around the chain, Ryan swings it gently, watching it tugging on Scott’s collar. “You’re being such a good boy. You’re my amazing boy, aren’t you? Floating in your happy place while you wait for me to finish cooking you dinner, hmm?”

Scott lets out one of those adorable little giggles and his smile grows wider, but his eyes stay closed.

Adrenaline is still surging through Ryan every single time he’s reminded of Scott’s trust in him and how Scott has voluntarily handed control of his life, heart and soul over to Ryan.

Taking a shaky breath, Ryan walks closer to his sub, the chain gently brushing against Scott’s naked chest. Curling his hand around the chain close to where it’s connected to the padlock keeping Scott’s collar locked around his neck, Ryan tugs on it gently, making Scott let out a soft, happy sound.

“I’m so proud of you,” Ryan whispers. “I love you so damn much and you make me whole, you know that?”

Scott’s smile grows brighter and he lets out a happy whine.

The urge to touch his sub is simmering under his skin, but Ryan restrains himself. Tugging on the chain is one thing, but he doesn’t want to startle Scott by touching him when his eyes are closed. He’ll have plenty of time to touch him when they go to bed.

Releasing the chain, Ryan heads back to the stove to keep cooking. But no matter what he’s doing, he glances over at Scott every few minutes, just to make sure his sub is safe and letting himself marvel of the intensity of the moment.

* * *

Time loses all meaning while Scott floats and tracks the movement of the chain. Eventually, his dom comes closer to him—Scott can tell from the sound of his dom’s socked feet on the kitchen floor and the slack in the chain that’s brushing against his chest.

“Scotty, open your eyes. It’s time for dinner.”

The words penetrate the warm darkness he’s floating in, but he’s so relaxed that opening his eyes doesn’t feel possible. Thankfully, his dom grabs his hair, pulls his head back and sharply tugs on the chain, which send a surge of adrenaline through him and makes Scott open his eyes.

His dom’s smiling down at him. “There you are. Come on, let’s get you up and go eat dinner.”

Scott blinks up at him. His stomach’s growling and he really does want to eat, but getting up seems impossible.

Once again, his dom saves the day. With the chain swaying between them, his dom bends over to unclip Scott’s ankles and the clips keeping his hands and ankles tied together. The release of the pressure makes Scott shiver and he whines sadly.

His dom tugs sharply on the chain. “Hush, Scotty. We gotta get you over to the table so I can sit down while we eat or things are gonna get messy. I’ll put the clips back but you can’t walk when you’re tied up. I’ll keep your wrists clipped together.”

Well, that’s better than nothing. Scott knows his dom’s making sense but Scott can’t help the sadness that tugs at his heart when his ankles slump apart.

His dom doesn’t let him dwell on it. He hauls Scott to his feet and stays behind him, wrapping his arms around him with the chain pressed against Scott’s chest as they slowly walk to the table.

Scott’s legs aren’t working very well and he’s still floating, but his dom keeps a tight hold on him until they get to the chair where Ryan usually sits when they eat.

“Okay, down we go. Kneel down.”

Slowly, Scott’s sinking down with Ryan’s help until he’s back to kneeling. He doesn’t care about anything other than intently focusing on his ankles and wrists. But just as his dom had promised, his ankles are being re-arranged and the clips are being re-attached until he can’t move his hands or ankles again.

His dom straights up and smiles down at him, touching his face with gentle hands. “That’s better, huh?”

Scott nods, smiling gratefully. Yes, yes, it is.

“Do you need the pillow? The carpet isn’t as thick as the pillow.”

Shaking his head, Scott thinks he’ll be fine for now.

“Okay, we’ll see how it goes. I think you need some knee pads. Nice, thick ones that’ll feel comfortable. I’ll make them this weekend.”

Making a happy sound, Scott leans forward enough to press his face against his dom’s thigh, nuzzling the soft pants. It’s so wonderful that his dom always wants to take care of Scott. How the hell did Scott get so lucky?!

His dom rubs his hands through Scott’s hair, kisses his head and rubs the metal links on his collar, pressing Scott harder against his leg. “I’d do anything for you, Scotty,” he mumbles against Scott’s hair. “ _Anything._ Making you comfortable and happy are my missions in life.”

Shivering, Scott whines and rubs his face against his dom’s leg and his soft cock. Not for sexual reasons, but just to demonstrate how much he loves his dom. Pulling back just enough to crane his head back, he gazes up at his dom as he keeps his chin pressed against his dom’s leg, smiling and hoping his love is showing in his eyes.

He’s holding out his thumb, index finger and pinky fingers of both hands, making the ASL sign for ‘I love you’, but his dom can’t see his hands from where he’s standing. That’s not okay. Wanting his dom to know what he’s trying to say, Scott jiggles his hands, making the clips rattle.

That catches his dom’s attention, who frowns and leans over him to look at his hands. “What’s wrong? Are you—”

Scott smiles as his dom’s words abruptly cut off. No doubt, he’s seen the sign Scott’s making with both hands and from the tightening of his dom’s hands against his collar and in his hair, it seems his dom understood what was trying to say.

Shifting back, his dom smiles softly down at him, his eyes shining. “I love you too,” he whispers. Bending down he kisses Scott, a soft, lingering kiss that makes Scott sigh happily. It’s hard to kiss properly when he’s still semi-floating, but he manages.

Pulling back, his dom slowly releases him. “Ready to eat?”

Scott nods and slumps into his kneeling position, making himself comfortable as his dom steps away to grab the plate of food from the kitchen counter, the chain moving with him. When his dom returns, he turns the chair sideways and sits down, sliding the chair closer to him until Scott’s kneeling between his legs.

Smiling, his dom runs his hand through his hair and plays with the chain, lightly pulling it back and forth. “You want your dom to feed you?”

A thrill of intense emotion runs through Scott and he nods eagerly. Once again, his dom is going to give him a wonderful present. He’s never been fed by a dom before, but something about it makes him feel intensely submissive. The idea that his dom is in charge of giving him food that he needs to live is very appealing.

Based on his dom’s excited grin and the way his hand tightens in Scott’s hair, his dom is just as excited about it. Releasing him, his dom twists towards the table and there’s the clinking of cutlery before his dom turns back to him, holding a spoonful of food. “Open up,” his dom tells him.

Scott eagerly opens his mouth and his dom slides the spoon into his mouth, giving him his first mouthful of food. His heart racing, he’s shivering and can’t stop grinning as he chews, staring gratefully at his dom.

His dom’s eyes are shining and he’s grinning too, rubbing his cheek while Scott chews and leaning over to kiss his forehead. “Good boy. That’s my good boy. You like having your dom feed you, huh? Feels good having your dom take care of you. Well, it feels really damn good to be feeding you.” His dom draws in a shaky breath. “It feels really intense but also really good.”

Smiling, Scott nods as he chews and swallows. This is fantastic! There’s no reason Scott couldn’t feed himself. His dom’s only doing this because it makes Scott feel good and it makes his dom feel good and that’s wonderful.

Kissing his forehead again, his dom turns back to the plate, scoops up a mouthful of food that he eats himself before loading up the spoon again and bringing it towards Scott.

* * *

Getting fed by his dom is amazing and Scott wishes they could eat like this all the time. Sadly, that would get them weird looks at the office but on the other hand, keeping this as a secret treat for when they’re both home and in the mood for it is better.

Once they finished eating, his dom leads him back into the kitchen to kneel on his pillow and Scott closes his eyes again, relaxing while the chain tugs on his collar as his dom walks around the kitchen, cleaning up from dinner.

When the chain loosens enough to brush against his chest, Scott knows his dom is standing very close to him even if he hadn’t heard him walking around.

“Scotty? Do you wanna go to bed or relax on the couch? It’s still a little early, but we’ve had a big day and we gotta work tomorrow.”

Opening his eyes, Scott looks up at his dom and realizes how tired he is. They really have had a busy day and together with his earlier panicking, he’s feeling drained.

“So what do you think? Bed, yes or no? Your choice.”

Nodding, Scott slumps forward, pressing his face against his dom’s soft sweatpants, nuzzling them.

His dom’s hands slide through his hair and rub his collar as he chuckles softly. “Yeah, we’ve had a big day, huh? Okay, let’s go to bed and if you want, I’ll give you that blow job I promised you.”

Smiling sleepily, Scott nods against his dom’s thigh. Oh, that’ll be a wonderful way to end today.

His dom helps him up and they slowly make their way back into the play room. Seeing that his dom is bringing him into the play room rather than the bedroom makes Scott shiver in anticipation.

Chuckling into Scott’s ear as they walk, his dom’s arms tighten around him. “Yeah, you noticed we’re not going into the bedroom, huh? I wanna chain up your arms and watch you pulling on them while I suck you off nice and slow.”

A jolt of arousal runs through him and Scott moans. His dom laughs and gently dumps him on the bed, Scott landing on his stomach with his wrists still cuffed behind his back.

“Let’s get this clip off you so we can get you chained up properly.”

His wrists are unclipped and they drop to Scott’s sides. That’s very sad, but then his dom is gently smacking his ass.

“Come on, Scotty. Get up on the bed and lie on your back.”

Scott’s very tired, but the promise of getting his hands chained up again and his dom sucking him off are enough to get him moving. Crawling across the bed and dragging the chain leash with him, he collapses on his back and flings his arms out on either side of him, smiling down at his dom.

His dom laughs and crawls after him, straddling him as the chain clipped around his waist pools on Scott’s chest and stomach, the metal cool against his skin.

“I wanna keep the chain leash on. Do you—”

Scott nods eagerly, grinning before his dom even finishes his sentence.

Chuckling, his dom grabs the chain and lightly tugs on his collar. Bending down he nuzzles Scott’s face and kisses him softly. “You’re my amazing boy,” he whispers against his lips.

Smiling, Scott relaxes beneath his dom’s weight and closes his eyes.

His dom shifts and Scott’s hands are pulled closer to the bedposts at the head of the bed and there’s a familiar clicking sound as his dom attaches the long chains that were still dangling from the posts to his wrist cuffs. Once they’re both on, Scott tugs on them hard, arching his back a bit. Feeling the strong pull of the chains holding his arms in a tight grip sends a surge of arousal and joy through him and he groans.

His dom’s thighs tighten against his sides and his dom nuzzles Scott’s face, kissing him hard. “Fuck. You feel good, huh?”

Scott hums and nods against his dom’s face, wrapping his hands around the strong chains and continuing to tug on them. With every pull, the chains reassure him over and over again that they’re strong enough to hold onto him and they won’t let him go.

His dom shifts again and slides down his body, his hands running down Scott’s chest to his stomach and hips, rubbing the chain leash against his skin as he goes and pushing his legs apart. Scott eagerly parts them, pushing his hips up, eager to get his dom’s mouth on his cock. He’s not very hard, but that’ll change soon.

His dom laughs and kisses his thighs, rubbing and squeezing both of them with firm hands. “You’re excited, hmm? You just relax and let me take care of you. You can come whenever you want.”

Those hands slide up his thighs until one of them wraps around his cock and the other rubs his balls. Scott gasps and heat races through him, his cock rapidly stiffening as his dom rubs it. Once his dom’s tongue starts licking and suckling on the head, Scott moans loudly, his toes curling as he strains against the chains holding his arms in place.

Despite Scott’s cock rapidly gaining interest, his dom keeps his pace slow. He gently sucks and licks at the head, his hands slowly rubbing and squeezing his cock and balls. Scott lets out a shaky moan and tightens his grip on the chains. This will be slow and amazing.

Finally, his dom slides his lips over his cock and envelopes Scott’s length in moist, warm heat that makes Scott shake and cry out. His hips are thrusting a little, but his dom doesn’t let himself be pushed into a faster pace. If Scott thrusts too deep or fast, his dom pulls back a bit, sucking on the head and squeezing his balls until Scott’s calmed down before he slides down again, keeping up that maddening slow pace.

Scott’s shaking, the whole thing feeling even more intense due to his eyes being closed. Every swipe and flick of his dom’s tongue, every shift of his dom’s lips over his cock, every rub of his dom’s fingers over his balls are magnified and send intense waves of heat through him. He’s pulling on the chains and digging his heels into the mattress, desperate to come but also desperate to make this last forever.

Despite it feeling amazing with his eyes closed, Scott does want to see his dom and from time to time, he slides his eyes open just a sliver, to see his dom watching him, his lips stretched around Scott’s throbbing cock, his chin covered in spit and his eyes glowing. Best of all, the chain that’s still clipped to Scott’s collar and pooling on Scott’s chest and stomach is still around his dom’s waist.

Scott always smiles at the sight of his dom and the chain, his heart squeezing with joy at how much his dom loves him and loves making him feel good. But eventually everything feels too good again and Scott’s eyes are sliding shut without him being aware of it.

Eventually, his dom increases his pace a bit, sucks him a little harder and squeezes his balls a little firmer as he’s playing with them. Scott gasps for breath, bursts of arousal racing through him as he trembles and clutches the chains, pulling on them so hard that his upper body is almost suspended off the mattress, the chain leash having slid off his chest.

Scott tries to hold onto the moment as long as he can, but when his dom slides his lips further down his cock, letting him slip into his throat and swallowing around him, Scott’s orgasm slams through him. He comes with a loud cry, his body tensing as he comes down his dom’s throat, his hips thrusting into that warm heat.

His dom keeps sucking him, letting Scott fuck his mouth as the waves of pleasure wash over him and he keeps pumping cum into his dom’s mouth.

Finally, Scott’s done and he collapses against the mattress, his entire body tingling, shivering and exhausted. He can’t even grip the chains anymore and he lies there with closed eyes, gasping and shaking.

Slowly, his dom pulls off his cock and he comes back up Scott’s body, kissing his hips, his stomach, his chest and bringing the chain leash back so it’s lying on Scott’s heaving chest, the metal cool against his heated skin.

His dom kisses Scott’s neck, right above the collar and moves up to Scott’s face, brushing their noses together and kissing his lips. Moaning, Scott parts his lips, letting his dom’s cum-covered tongue into his mouth, sucking on it and shivering at the taste of his cum in his dom’s mouth.

His dom groans and presses him into the pillow, deepening the kiss and plastering his body against his, the metal chain between them. Scott can even feel the end of the chain where it’s tied around his dom’s waist as it presses against Scott’s stomach.

His dom softens his kisses, pressing their foreheads together, his warm breath gusting over Scott’s face.

Opening his eyes, Scott smiles at Ryan. As his body calms, he feels nothing but a bone-deep contentment.

Ryan pulls back and looks down at him, rubbing their noses together. “How you feeling?”

“Good. Real good,” Scott mumbles. Talking is still a little difficult, but he’s no longer floating.

Shifting a bit off Scott, Ryan reaches up and unclips the chains from Scott’s wrists before resting back on Scott, propping his chin on Scott’s chest, a soft smile on his face.

Scott adjusts his legs and feels Ryan’s cock, which is a little stiff. Smirking at him, Scott rubs his toes along Ryan’s leg. “You wanna do something about the situation you’ve got down there?”

Ryan chuckles but shakes his head, kissing Scott’s chest. “Nah, I’m fine.”

Bringing his hand down, Scott rubs the back of his fingers against Ryan’s cheek. “So was the chain leash thing okay?”

A big grin appears on Ryan’s face. “It was a hell of a lot more than just ‘okay’. I loved it. How’d you like it?”

Scott snorts. “You know the answer to that.”

Chuckling, Ryan rubs his face against Scott’s chest. “Yeah, I do.”

Ryan really does look tired. Reaching up to his collar, Scott unclips the chain leash. He’d love to wear it twenty-four hours a day, but sleeping with a long chain between them is dangerous and he doesn’t want Ryan worrying over how Scott will react to it being taken off. Wearing the chain leash when they’re in bed together is nice, but not a necessity.

Nudging Ryan’s leg with his foot, Scott holds up the loose end of the chain. “Sit up and I’ll get this off you, then we can sleep.”

Ryan sits up and straddles him, watching as Scott reaches over and undoes the carabiner keeping the chain around his waist. Grabbing the heavy chain, Scott shoves it off the bed, hearing the metal thunk onto the floor.

Grinning up at Ryan, Scott nudges him again. “How do you wanna sleep?”

In response, Ryan climbs off him and gives Scott a little shove until he rolls over onto his side. Ryan grabs the blanket off the rack and spoons up behind him, wrapping one arm around Scott’s waist as he pulls the blanket over them.

Smiling, Scott shoves his ass back until Ryan’s semi-hard cock is pressed against the crack of his ass. He doesn’t press to hard, not wanting Ryan to be uncomfortable.

But Ryan lets out a happy groan and pushes back against him, his cock nestled against Scott’s ass.

It sends shivers through Scott. “Mmm, that feels good. I like feeling my dom’s cock right against my ass, even if you’re not fucking me.”

Ryan chuckles and kisses his neck, his hand rubbing Scott’s collar and lightly tugging on the padlock. “I like having my cock up against your ass. It lets everybody know nobody else is allowed to fuck you.”

That brings a rush of heat racing through Scott and he sighs happily. “That makes me a very happy boy.”

“That makes you _my_ very happy boy,” Ryan mumbles against his neck, tugging harder on the padlock.

Having Ryan still being so possessive over him even when he’s tired makes Scott smile. Life is perfect. “I’m really happy you got me a day collar.”

Ryan chuckles and rubs his cock a little against Scott’s ass. “Me too. This entire day has been a dream come true. Well, except the part where I nearly died at work because I couldn’t fuck you in front of everyone.”

Laughing, Scott closes his eyes, relaxing against the warmth from Ryan’s body and the blanket covering them. “You’ll get used to it. But whenever you’re having a very hard time—pun fully intended—I’ll need a twenty minute head-start to get home.”

Ryan groans against his neck, rubbing the metal links of the collar. “Jesus, you’re amazing.”

“So are you. We’ve always been awesome together, Harris and that’s not gonna ever change.”


	40. Chapter 40

A month later, their day starts off with a visit to the morgue. Walking through the sliding glass doors with Ryan on his heels, Scott sees Dr. Ishikura sitting at her computer. By now, her assistant Heather is handling most of the autopsies herself as she gets closer to finishing her apprenticeship.

“Hello, Detectives!” Heather greets them, smiling.

Scott returns her smile. “Hi, Dr. Wilkes. How are you?”

“I’m great, thanks.”

They exchange pleasantries and Scott and Ryan both greet Dr. Ishikura before Heather leads them to the wall of metal lockers and Scott helps pull out the tray with their victim on it while Heather hands Ryan a copy of the autopsy results.

Scott’s happy to see that she’s gained a lot of confidence in the past few months and she seems comfortable during the debriefing. As she’s talking, Scott finds his fingers playing with his day collar. Far from being a distraction, fiddling with the chain and tugging on the padlock helps keep Scott’s anxiety at bay during the day very well.

When the autopsy debriefing is finished, Ryan helps push the victim back into the cooling unit and Scott’s attention is caught by the black leather band that Heather always wears around her neck. Since he’d started wearing his day collar, he finds himself much more conscious of what jewelry other people wear. He likes trying to figure out if there’s a hidden meaning behind any of the pieces or if they just enjoy wearing them.

As he discreetly studies the thin leather necklace around Heather’s neck, he notices the small metal heart pendant that hangs from a ring on the leather band. It has a dark mark in the center. He’d noticed her necklace before, but this is the first time he realizes the dark mark is actually a keyhole.

It makes him smile. The heart pendant isn’t a padlock but Heather must enjoy taking the expression ‘giving somebody the key to my heart’ literally with the necklace. It’s sweet.

Unfortunately, he must not be staring as discreetly as he thinks he is, because Heather catches him and gives him a soft smile as her hand reaches up to rub the heart pendant the same way Scott’s rubbing his padlock.

“Scott, can I speak to you privately for a minute? There’s something I’ve been meaning to discuss with you,” she says.

Frowning, Scott nods. “Sure. Just me, or Harris too?”

“No, just you. It won’t take very long. It’s a…personal issue. If you don’t mind.”

“Sure! I don’t mind.”

Ryan grabs the autopsy file from Scott’s hands. “I’ll chat with Dr. Ishikura while you two talk. Come get me when you’re done.”

“Thank you, Ryan,” Heather says and heads to the autopsy doors while shooting Scott shy smiles over her shoulder.

Scott can’t understand what on earth she wants to discuss with him, but the way she’s smiling at him is a little worrying. He waits until they’re outside in the empty hallway and the glass doors have slid shut. “Uhm…Heather?”

“Yes?”

He puts what he hopes is a kind smile on his face. “You do know I’m gay…right?”

She blushes and starts laughing. “Oh, my gosh—yes, I’m aware! This wasn’t—I wasn’t trying to flirt with you! Did you think—oh, gosh, I’m sorry.”

Scott feels like an idiot. “No, no! You weren’t—I just assumed...I’m sorry. I have no idea what you wanted to talk to me about but you kept smiling at me in a weird—well, no not weird but…in an unusual way.”

She’s blushing. “I was smiling at you for another reason.” Then her smile fades and she looks a bit worried, which is also strange. “I understand that this really isn’t my business and please feel free to tell me to mind my own business, but I’ve never met…I don’t really know…I…”

It’s weird not being the one who’s having trouble putting his words together. He knows exactly how Heather feels and gives her what he hopes is the kind of soothing smile Ryan always gives him. “It’s fine, take your time. If I’m not comfortable answering your question, I won’t be rude about it.”

She takes a deep breath and stares at him, her eyes glued to his collar. “Do—is that…a day collar?” she whispers, gesturing at his neck.

Scott gapes at her. He’s not accustomed to hearing BDSM terminology from anybody other than Ryan. His hand flies up to the metal chain and he rubs his fingers over the chain and the padlock. His first instinct is to lie but Heather keeps talking, keeping her voice low.

“I’m really sorry if it’s not and—oh, maybe you don’t even know what I’m talking about? I just noticed you wearing it and I’ve seen Ryan’s tattoo and I know the two of you are together and I just assumed…you see, because I’m wearing mine too and I just wanted...”

Her voice fades off as she reaches up and rubs the metal heart pendant on her leather choker.

Scott stares at her, her last words replaying in his head. The denials and excuses he’d been lining up fade away as he comes to the stunning realization that Heather’s a sub too. “You—you’re—that’s your day collar?” Scott whispers.

She nods, still looking nervous.

Well. This changes things. To his surprise, he wants to be honest with her. He’s still nervous and this whole thing is awkward, but it feels kind of nice. It feels just as nice as when he’d learned how accepting Ryan was of Scott’s submissive behavior. It’s such a nice thought that there’s another person in the world who understands this secret part of him.

He clears his throat. “Yeah…it’s my day collar.” And feeling a bravery that’s new to him, he finds himself giving her even more information. “I just got it a month ago. I got it as a gift for Ryan but I really like wearing it. My real collar’s too bulky to wear when I’m not at home, so this is a nice substitute.”

She gives him a soft smile and seems to relax a little bit. “You have two different collars?”

He nods. “Uh huh. My real one’s a much thicker chain and a real padlock. Well, I guess this is a real padlock too, but the real one’s kinda…” He makes a vague hand gesture, having trouble keeping his words moving.

“Like one of those big padlocks people use on storage lockers and things?”

Grinning at her, he nods as both of them play with their collars. “Yeah, exactly. I love it but…”

“It’s not exactly discreet, is it?” she says, letting out a quiet laugh.

“No, not at all. But I like my day collar.”

She smiles. “It’s great getting to wear it during the day, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

They grin at each other and Scott thinks she must feel as excited as he is. He’s nervous too, but it’s so nice that there’s another person who understands him as a whole person. Up until to now, Ryan’s been the only one who’s ever known Scott in both roles he plays in his life: a detective and a sub.

He’d always feared having his worlds colliding with anybody except Ryan, but this feels nice. To his surprise, he really wants to talk to Heather about his other world. The trouble is, he has no idea how to talk about these things with somebody who isn’t Ryan. But he really wants to.

Well, the only way to get more comfortable with something that’s important to him is to dive in and give it a try. Ryan had taught him that. “So…your dom gave you your collar?” he asks quietly.

Her face lights up and she nods. “Yes! Two years ago.”

His eyes widen. “Wow, that’s a long time. Is he…does your dom take good care of you?”

She lets out a little giggle. “It’s actually a ‘she’.”

Well, that’s embarrassing. Cringing, Scott gives her an apologetic smile. “Sorry.”

“No, no. You didn’t know. But now…now you do. I don’t really…I don’t tell…you’re the first person I’ve ever told. Well, I talk to my dom about these things, but nobody else.”

He nods. “Me too. I’ve…been with people in the past, but they didn’t know about my...job life. I kept things separate.”

“Me too. It’s hard to know how people will respond, you know?”

“Yeah. A lot of people probably wouldn’t understand.”

She nods. “Exactly. And I don’t want to feel ashamed.” She shifts on her feet a bit, still looking nervous but curious. “So…can I…can I ask if Ryan’s your dom?”

Scott grins. It’s surprising that he doesn’t feel any shame telling her. In fact, he’s proud. “Yeah. I guess my collar and his tattoo are pretty obvious if somebody knows what to look for, huh?”

She laughs. “Well, I wouldn’t have put the pieces together if I didn’t know that the two of you were together. When I saw Ryan’s tattoo, I thought it might be a dom tattoo, but then I dismissed it. I thought I was reading too much into the situation and dom’s getting tattoos isn’t really common. I thought I was jumping on the key symbolism too much. But then you started wearing the chain with the padlock and I talked to my dom about it and we both thought I might be right.”

It’s a relief that he and Ryan aren’t being so obvious that people outside of the BDSM world would easily catch on, but Scott actually likes the idea that he and Ryan are signalling their relationship in a way that others who share their lifestyle can pick up on. “That’s really neat. And it’s smart too. I guess that’s what Ryan and I get, working around a bunch of smart people, huh?”

Laughing again, she shrugs. “I guess so. I didn’t know how you’d react to me asking you about it, but I got kind of excited thinking I wasn’t the only one around, you know?”

He nods. “Yeah, I feel the same. You’re the second person—after Ryan—who knows the whole me. That’s kind of nice.”

“I feel the same way.”

They fall into a silence for a little while. Scott’s sure Heather’s feeling the same way he is: excited to have found a kindred spirit, but not feeling completely comfortable talking about these things with anybody except their doms.

She breaks the silence first, fiddling with her heart pendant. “Can…can I ask you some more questions?”

“Sure! Can I ask you some?”

She nods. “Of course!”

There’s another awkward silence, but Scott can tell she’s dying to ask some questions and he doesn’t have any lined up yet. “You…you go ahead with your questions,” he says, smiling encouragingly at her and trying to push aside his nerves.

She presses her lips together, staring at him with wide eyes and her fingers keep playing with the heart pendant on her collar. Finally, she takes a deep breath and seems to find her courage. “So…is the day collar just for play or did…did Ryan…”

He knows exactly what she’s asking. Thank God for Ryan Harris and his insistence on teaching Scott the right words for all of this. “Yeah, Ryan collared me. It’s not just a toy. Is…is yours a real…did your dom…did she…”

Heather nods, smiling. “Yes, she collared me too. We’ve been together for five years and she collared me two years ago.”

He smiles. “Oh, that’s really nice. So does your dom…does she take good care of you?”

Heather nods. “Oh, yes! We’re very happy together. Does…gosh, this is a bit awkward, since I know Ryan, but…does he take good care of you?”

“Oh, yeah. It…I didn’t…I had some bad experiences in the past and Ryan’s been really amazing. He’s all my dreams and fantasies rolled into one.”

She looks a bit sad to hear the beginning of his admission, but she gives him a soft smile at the end. “I’m really glad.”

They stare at each other, smiling excited but nervous smiles and neither of them really knowing how to proceed.

Again, Heather finds her courage before Scott does. “Can we maybe spend a bit more time together? It’s nerve-wracking talking about these things with anybody except my dom, but I’m really enjoying it.”

“Me too. Ryan has a lot of friends in the…that world. But I haven’t been comfortable enough to spend time with them yet.”

She nods. “I’m the same way. It just feels too intimidating.”

“Well…we can work through our nerves together…if you want?”

Grinning, she nods frantically. “I’d like that.”

“Would…would you wanna just spend time with me or with Ryan too? It’s fine if it’s just me, but I thought I’d ask…”

“Oh, I’d love that. Would…would you like to meet my dom too?”

Scott grins. He really does like the idea of meeting the special person who’s Heather’s other half. “Yeah, I would.”

“I guess we can take baby steps together and see if we wanna dip our toes into deeper waters.”

Nodding, Scott smiles at her. “I’d like that.”

“Me too.”

The rest of the conversation allows them to avoid some awkwardness, since they already have each other’s phone numbers. After agreeing to text each other and ask their doms if they’d like to meet up, they walk back into the morgue.

Ryan’s sitting on a chair, talking to Dr. Ishikura and they both glance up when Scott and Heather walk back through the doors.

“There you are. We were thinking of sending out a search party,” Ryan quips, but Scott can see a hint of worry in his eyes as he looks Scott up and down to see if he’s okay.

Scott smiles. “Thankfully, Heather and I found ourselves so we’re saving you both some paperwork.”

Laughing, Ryan gets off the chair. “I wouldn’t do the paperwork myself. I’d focus on finding you and then make you do it.”

Rolling his eyes, Scott glances at Heather, who’s looking intently at Ryan. It makes Scott feel very proud. He finds himself wanting to point at Ryan and gleefully tell Heather ‘That’s my dom— _my_ dom! I’m his sub, can you believe it? He wants me to be his sub for the rest of our lives!’. Thankfully, he manages to restrain himself.

He and Ryan say goodbye to Heather and Dr. Ishikura and head out to Scott’s car.

As he’d known he would, Ryan waits until they’d both slammed their doors shut before Ryan’s staring at him with concern. “You okay? What did Heather want? You look nervous.”

Chuckling, Scott starts the car and backs it out of the parking spot. “I was a little nervous, but I’m fine. Heather asked me about my day collar.”

“Okay…so you told her to mind her own business, like we do with everyone who asks about my tattoo or your collar. Why did it take so long? If she got offended and pushy, that’s not okay. We can talk to Dr. Ishikura ab—”

Scott laughs as he puts the car into forward gear and heads for the exit of the parking lot. “Calm down, it’s fine. She asked about my day collar because she recognized what it was. She wears hers too.”

That stuns Ryan into silence for a few minutes while Scott chuckles. “I can’t believe I did better than you when she told me. I had trouble talking, but I didn’t lose my words completely.”

When he glances over, he sees Ryan gaping at him before a look of comprehension appears on his face and Ryan groans. “The fucking heart pendant even has a keyhole in it. I should have seen it. Damn it.”

Scott smiles, rolling his eyes as he looks for a break in traffic to turn out into the main road. “Don’t be ridiculous. People wear leather chokers like that all the time and having heart pendants with little keyholes isn’t that unusual. Anyway, it wasn’t just my collar that tipped her off. She knows we’re together and she’d noticed your tattoo a while ago. When I started wearing my chain with the padlock, she put the pieces together. Well, her and her dom did.”

“Her…wow. So what did you think about the conversation?”

“It was awkward at first. I was really nervous cause you know I don’t talk about any of that stuff with anybody except you. But it got a little easier over time. And that’s not surprising. You remember I used to have trouble stringing two words together during kink negotiations? And now I’m completely comfortable talking to you about any of those things.”

When he glances at Ryan, he sees him smiling at him softly. “Yeah, I remember. You’ve come a long way.”

Seeing a break in traffic, Scott makes his turn and settles into the flow of traffic. “It’s all thanks to my dom, not me.”

“I might have opened those doors for you and held them propped open while you thought about it, but you’re the one who walked through them.”

“I would’ve never had the courage to walk through the doors if it wasn’t for your support and your kindness. I don’t care if you refuse to take most of the credit—I’m heaping it on you and I refuse to take it back.”

Ryan laughs and relaxes into his seat. “So what else did you two talk about?”

“It’s funny—we were both really nervous, but we actually talked about a lot of things.”

The drive to the station isn’t very long and Scott doesn’t manage to finish detailing his conversation with Heather before they arrive, so the rest of the conversation is put on hold until a few hours later.

Once they’re back at the station, they use Heather’s autopsy results to re-examine the case and unfortunately, the results throw a wrench into all of their working theories and they decide that they’ll have to drive back out to the crime scene to look at things from a new perspective. They grab lunch on the way and the drive gives Scott plenty of time to finish telling Ryan about his conversation with Heather.

Ryan seems as excited about spending time with Heather and her dom as Scott is, which is great but Scott also doesn’t want Ryan getting too excited. “Heather and I aren’t ready to mingle with your group of friends yet. We wanna go slow and see how it goes.”

“Don’t worry about it. I told you before, if you’re never comfortable meeting my friends, that’s fine. They’re my friends and I don’t need you to spend time with them if it makes you uncomfortable. You’re fine if I talk about you to them and that’s all I care about. I don’t like lying to people I care about, but I don’t mind keeping certain parts of my life separate.”

Scott makes a face. “Are you sure?”

“Absolutely. I’ll probably never tell my mom about any of this and I’m fine with that. That’s what makes me happy.”

Scott’s completely forgotten that Claire doesn’t know the true nature of his and Ryan’s relationship. Since he was so excited to blend his worlds together with Heather, he thinks for a moment that he should want to do the same thing with everybody in his life…but that’s nonsense. If it makes somebody feel better about themselves to be open about every aspect of their personal life with everybody around them, they should do that. But sharing details like that with Claire won’t make Scott feel good.

He reminds himself that he has the right to do what makes him comfortable, and if not telling Claire and not meeting with Ryan’s friends for a few years—or possibly ever—keeps him comfortable, there’s nothing wrong with that.

It’s a very Ryan-esque way of thinking and Scott grins at Ryan. “You’re definitely rubbing off on me, Harris. In more ways than one.”

Laughing, Ryan reaches down to grab their bags of lunch and opens Scott’s box of chicken nuggets for him. “That’s something I’m always happy doing, no matter how I’m doing it.”

Scott laughs too, before growing serious again. “I think I’m done feeling guilty for not wanting to spend time with your friends right now. I’m allowed to do what makes me comfortable and I don’t have to put myself into awkward situations just cause other people wanna meet me. And you’re fine with me not meeting them yet—or ever. How you feel and how I feel are the most important things.”

“Exactly,” Ryan says, opening a packet of mayo and squeezing a generous amount onto the chicken before handing it to Scott, who happily stuffs it into his mouth as he slows down for a red light.

* * *

Scott’s happy that Ryan’s so accepting of Scott’s limits, but he wants to respect Ryan’s desires too.

Once they’re at home and Ryan’s talking to Andrew—one of his BDSM friends—on the phone while Scott’s cooking dinner, Scott waits until he has a break during cooking and wanders over to the recliner where Ryan’s talking.

Leaning over it, Scott wraps his arms around Ryan’s chest and kisses his temple. Nuzzling Ryan’s ear, Scott waits until there’s a break in Ryan’s conversation.

“Tell Andrew that your sub says hi,” he whispers into Ryan’s ear.

Ryan lets out a soft sound and tenses, reaching up to squeeze Scott’s arm. Pulling back from him, Scott sees him smiling.

Giving Ryan a pat on the chest, Scott pulls his arms back and kisses Ryan’s cheek before wandering back into the kitchen. He’s not ready to stay close to the phone when Ryan talks to Andrew—or anybody else—about him, but he wants to be a little more open about things.

One step at a time.

* * *

“Kneel down, Scotty,” his dom whispers into his ear as they get to the table, his dom’s arm tightly wrapped around his naked body, helping his shaky legs keep him moving in the right direction.

At his dom’s order, Scott sinks down to his knees, settling onto the soft foam shin pads that are strapped around his calves. The black foam pads cover his knees all the way down to the tops of his feet, allowing him to comfortably relax on the kitchen floor. His dom had made them for him and Scott loves wearing them.

His dom releases him and Scott tenses with anticipation, smiling as he waits for his dom to re-attach the clips that will keep his hands attached to his ankles. After his dom checks the clip that’s still keeping his wrists connected, his hands and ankles are nudged as his dom gets them into the right position and then there’s the wonderful clicking sound as the carabiners snap closed and pressure tugs on his wrists and ankles. Once they’re fully restrained again, Scott sighs happily.

His dom stands up, the chain around his waist swinging as it gently tugs on Scott’s collar. Running his hand through Scott’s hair, his dom tightens his grip and pulls his head back, smiling down at him.

“My good boy. That feels good, huh? You hungry?”

Scott nods eagerly, shivering with anticipation. They’ve had a busy week and it’s been four whole days since he’s last knelt by his dom as he’d cooked or been fed by his dom and Scott’s missed it so much.

His dom’s eyes sparkle as he grins down at him and kisses him hard on the lips. “Good. I’ve missed feeding my sub. Stupid work was too stupid busy.”

Chuckling weakly, Scott leans forward and slumps against his dom’s legs, nuzzling his soft pants as the chain sways between them. His dom sighs deeply, tightening his grip in Scott’s hair with one hand while the other rubs the metal links of his collar.

Scott could stay like this forever, but his dom eventually tugs on his hair and steps back from him, kissing his head. “Come on, let’s get you some food and then we’ll sit on the couch.”

His dom sits down and spreads his legs, letting Scott shuffle between them and rub his face against one of his knees while his dom prepares his food for him.

“Open up.”

Pulling back from his dom’s knee, Scott relaxes and opens his mouth for the spoonful of food his dom is giving him.

As he chews, he smiles happily up at his dom, who’s smiling down at him, looking so happy. “My good boy. My gorgeous, wonderful boy.”

His dom alternates feeding both of them and while Scott chews, his dom often plays with the chain leash, gently tugging and swinging it, making the metal clink, or he’ll lean down and kiss Scott’s forehead or run his hand through his hair.

Scott can never stop staring at his dom when he’s being fed. Not only does it make Scott feel amazing, but it’s wonderful watching his dom’s smile and the way his eyes are shining the entire time.

When they’re done eating, his dom helps him back into the kitchen and Scott kneels on his comfortable pads and closes his eyes while his dom moves around the kitchen, cleaning up. He listens to his dom’s familiar footsteps walking around, the clinking of dishes, the running of water, the opening and closing of the fridge. But the sounds are just background noise. He spends most of his time concentrating on what his chain leash is telling him, letting him know exactly where his dom is and how far away he is from Scott at all times. Despite them having done this dozens of times already, it never fails to be reassuring.

“All done. Come on, let’s go relax.”

At a tug on his collar, Scott opens his eyes and gazes up at his dom, still floating.

His dom grins down at him. “Good boy. I’m gonna loosen the clips and we’ll head to the couch.”

Scott doesn’t fuss when his dom undoes the clips and helps him to his feet. They’ve done this often enough that Scott’s body knows the clips aren’t letting him go because they don’t want him anymore. He’ll get them back once he’s at the couch.

His dom helps him to the couch, the chain clinking as they walk.

“You wanna kneel?” His dom whispers into his ear as they walk.

Scott smiles and nods eagerly, not having had enough of it yet. Some days he doesn’t want to kneel at all, other days he only likes it for short periods. But today, he wants to spend more time kneeling and floating before he’s had his fill.

“Okay,” his dom whispers.

When they get to the couch, his dom helps him kneel down and clips his hands and feet together again. Once they’re being tightly held by those wonderful metal clips, Scott relaxes.

His dom sits on the couch, spreading his knees around Scott. Tugging on the chain, his dom smiles at him. “Come here.”

Shivering from anticipation, Scott smiles and shuffles forward on his knee pads until his dom’s knees are brushing his sides and he presses his face against the warm, fabric covered area between his dom’s cock and his leg.

Sighing happily, Scott closes his eyes and nuzzles his dom’s cock, lying still and soft in his pants. His dom’s hands wrap around his head; one hand rubbing through his hair and the other gently pressing the links of his collar against the back of his neck. Once Scott lets himself completely relax, his nose pressed close to his dom’s cock, his dom shifts his legs, pressing them against Scott’s sides, sealing him into a safe, warm pocket.

This is Scott’s new favorite way to kneel with his dom. He loves the warmth of his dom’s legs pressing against him, the smell of his dom surrounding him, the feel of his dom’s cock against his face, his dom’s strong hands holding his face pressed against him. And best of all: his dom keeps rubbing the collar on the back of his neck, which makes the chain hanging from Scott’s neck sway. That chain is still wrapped around his dom’s waist. Together with the warm cuffs that are tightly holding his hands and ankles, Scott’s surrounded by love and protection.

Everything about this position reminds him constantly that his dom’s protecting him. Nobody will hurt him when he’s here. He can relax and float and his dom will keep him safe. He never has to worry about his dom deciding to throw him out. If Scott’s having a bad day and doubting his dom’s desire to keep him for life, he’ll lift his head and nuzzle his dom’s hand; a signal that will prompt his dom to put his hand on his thigh where Scott can see the wonderful black key tattoo with Scott’s fingerprint on it. He can nuzzle, kiss and stare at the tattoo that’s a permanent part of his dom as long as he wants. That never fails to make that silly voice in his head fall silent.

But today, Scott’s relaxed and happy just kneeling between his dom’s legs. The television’s turned on; the soft sounds of people talking and music playing barely managing to penetrate the warm, dark haze he’s floating in. When they sit like this, Scott knows if he wants to, he’s allowed to float until bedtime. Until then, his dom will watch television and keep him safe while he floats.

Sometimes his dom will be chatty and talk to him while he’s floating, telling him what a good boy Scott is, how much he loves him and reminding him that he belongs to his dom for life. The words are always nice to hear, but they’re nothing compared to feeling his dom surrounding him and protecting him with his warmth, strength and the chains. But the words are important for his dom and Scott’s happy to hear them if his dom wants to share them.

But on other days—like today—his dom doesn’t say much. His legs stay tight around Scott and his hands keep Scott’s face tightly pressed against his dom’s soft cock, massaging his scalp and playing with the collar around his neck; always lightly tugging and rubbing it to remind both of them that it’s locked tight.

Scott breathes in his dom’s scent, relaxing into his warmth. It’s always amazing when he comes out of subspace and gets told by his dom that an hour or two had gone by. Time just slips past without Scott being aware of it. It’s the only time of the day when he doesn’t have to deal with that silly voice in his head and he doesn’t have to worry about it starting any nonsense. Nothing can hurt him when he’s floating in his happy place, surrounded by his dom’s protection. Sometimes he’ll float until its bedtime and his dom will gently coax him out of his haze enough to get them to bed.

But today, he finds himself slowly starting to come down on his own.

This is something that’s still new and it had only started happening a few weeks ago. It’s not subdrop—he doesn’t crash. It’s not triggered by anything specific. His body just quietly decides he’s floated for long enough and starts to gently pull itself out of subspace on its own.

His dom thinks it’s because Scott’s getting used to floating and his body no longer goes from one extreme to the other. His body knows that he’ll get to float again soon and his dom loves him as much when he’s in subspace as when he’s out of it, so coming out of subspace is no longer devastating. He no longer has to worry about never getting to experience this happiness again because he’ll get to enjoy it thousands of times throughout the rest of his life. He can float whenever he and his dom are in the mood and have time, which usually happens several times a week.

The sound of the television gradually gets louder and Scott can hear his dom’s quiet, calm breathing and the hum of the fridge and the heaters. He becomes aware of the soft foam pads he’s kneeling on and the straps across the back of his legs. Along with his dom’s normal scent, the smell of their dinner lingers in the air.

Blinking his eyes open, Scott slowly shifts his head, resting the side of his face against his dom’s thigh. His dom’s hand on his collar stops moving and the hand in his hair tightens its grip to pull his head back a little.

“Hey, Scotty. Welcome back to planet Earth.”

Scott grins up at Ryan. “H—hey,” he whispers.

Ryan’s eyes shine as he looks down at him. “Done floating for the day?”

Sighing deeply, Scott rubs his face against Ryan’s leg, the chain leash lightly tugging on his collar as it moves. “Yeah. You tired?”

“Nope. You wanna stay on the couch?”

“Yeah.”

That makes Ryan grin. “Good, cause I’d love to spend time with my octopus.”

Hearing the affectionate nickname always makes Scott smile and that warm glow lights up in his heart. “Your octopus would like that.”

Moving slowly, Ryan stands up, always keeping at least one hand on Scott in case he falls over.

Losing the supportive walls of his dom from around him always makes his stomach twist a bit, but he no longer gets upset by it. Ryan’s not going anywhere. He’s just going to undo the clips and help him sit on the couch.

When his hands and feet are unclipped, Ryan helps him sit on the couch and takes off his knee pads, frowning at Scott’s knees and legs as he massages them, the chain leash swinging between them. “Your knees feeling okay? Any soreness?”

Despite Scott having knelt on carpet and the pads many times already, Ryan still gets worried every single time. Smiling, Scott rubs Ryan’s side with his foot. “They feel great. My dom made me fantastic knee pads that’ll keep my knees happy for decades.”

Ryan smiles that shy, half-smile. “I’m glad you like them.”

Yawning, Scott stretches his arms and rolls his shoulders and neck.

Ryan watches him from where he’s kneeling on the carpet. Grabbing the chain leash between them, Ryan jiggles it and the resulting tugging on his collar always makes Scott smile. Even though Ryan’s not touching him right now, they’re still connected. Scott still belongs to him.

“You want the clips back on your hands and ankles?” Ryan asks.

Scott grins. “Yes, please.” Holding out his hands with the wrist cuffs pressed together, Scott waits until Ryan snaps a carabiner through the two D-rings, locking them together in front of Scott. He repeats the same thing with the ankle cuffs.

They’ve done this often enough that they don’t have to ask what else either of them want to do. Bracing his joined hands on the couch, Scott lies down on his side and brings his joined feet up on the couch while Ryan sits back down.

Ryan shifts closer to him and lifts his arm as Scott wiggles close to him, resting his head on Ryan’s leg.

His dom lets out a happy sigh and wraps his arm around Scott as Scott makes himself comfortable.

When Scott’s happily wedged up against the back of the couch and his head’s pillowed on his dom’s leg, he relaxes, wiggling his hands and feet to feel the carabiners tugging on them, holding onto him.

Ryan rubs his arm and plays with the chain leash hanging from Scott’s collar. “Is my octopus comfortable?”

Scott smiles softly. “Yes, he is. Very comfortable.”

He still can’t believe how lucky he is. It’s such an incredible feeling that he gets to have this for the rest of his life. Having Ryan as his dom is wonderful, but it’s even more amazing that Ryan easily switches back and forth between his roles as Scott’s dom and his role as Scott’s best friend and partner—both at home and at work.

Recently, Scott’s spent some time thinking back over how this whole thing had started with that asshole and Scott’s gun. Scott doesn’t like to think about where he’d be right now if Ryan hadn’t cared enough about him and hadn’t pushed through the walls Scott had built around himself. He’d been heading down a very dark path and there’s no telling if he would have survived it. “Hey, Harris?”

Ryan’s rubbing the padlock on his collar. “Hmm?”

“I’m really grateful that you helped me get my gun back. Not just cause of the gun—that whole thing could have led to a disaster if you hadn’t helped me—but you didn’t just let things go. You knew I was struggling and you kept trying to help me, even when I wasn’t happy about it.”

Ryan sighs softly, his fingers moving up from the metal chain of the collar to rub over Scott’s neck. Scott happily tilts his head back, letting Ryan gently wrap his hand around his throat. Scott’s pulse thuds against Ryan’s fingers, calm and steady.

“I know it was a big deal for you, but it really wasn’t,” Ryan says. “Not for somebody who really cares about you. Those other assholes you did scenes with or your aunt—they didn’t care enough about you and that’s their loss. They didn’t deserve to have you in their lives.”

Scott smiles softly. That’s one of the many reasons he loves Ryan so much. “I’m really glad you kept pushing and put the pieces together.” His smile fades a bit. “I—things weren’t heading in a good direction and they kept getting worse. I needed help so bad but I was too ashamed to ask for it and I didn’t think I deserved help. You didn’t wait for me to ask—you just barged in and said you were gonna help save me and that was that. If you hadn’t stepped in and forced me to open up and tell you what was going on, things…might have ended in a different way.”

He takes a shaky breath. “You made me a whole person and you made me feel so many things that I thought I’d never feel again. Joy, love…I thought I wasn’t capable of those things anymore and I never thought I’d find people who would care enough about me to give me those things.”

Ryan’s grip tightens a little on his throat, his thumb rubbing against Scott’s pulse. His dom shifts and he kisses Scott’s cheek, nuzzling his face. “You’re amazing and I’m so fucking grateful that I get to have you with me for the rest of my life,” he whispers, his voice rough.

Shifting his hands, Scott extends his thumb, index and pinky fingers, making the ASL sign for ‘I love you’.

Ryan’s lips curl into a smile against his cheek and he covers Scott’s face in slow, hard kisses, pouring his love and devotion to Scott into every kiss.

Smiling, Scott closes his eyes and relaxes, the quiet sounds of the television in the background and Ryan’s warm hand on his neck, keeping him safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And our boys lived happily ever after (of course!). I hope you enjoyed the story and I’d love to hear your thoughts!
> 
> ([Here](https://i.imgur.com/6DOE7Vi.jpg) is a larger version of the summary image. The base image is the BDSM emblem, with some minor alterations)


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